I'm a fan of horror movies. To an extent, that is. I'm not a big "slasher" film kinda guy, but I don't mind my share of horror/suspense flicks. In 2007, I saw a trailer that appeared to be just that; a movie about some kind of super-natural serial killer in Africa. Sweet...sounds promising. At least it isn't a stupid monster movie...check out this trailer and tell me if there is ANY indication that this is some kind of animal.
Nope. It's even based off of a true story about a serial killer. Well hook, line, and sinker, count me in. If you guys didn't add it all up before...yeah...I'm an idiot.
The movie opens up with a shot of a few scientists and other workers digging up some bodies. The female scientists explains how these people have been executed and continues inspecting the area. She locates another pile of dirt that appears to conceal more bodies, so she shoves a shovel in the ground...but it hits something hard. The following scenes are so disillusioned, choppy, and sporadic, I really don't know what happens. Awful cinematography...all I know is that the Lady is dead and we're in Africa. Ugh...I need a Tylenol after that scene.
The opening credits begin...and I mention this because it should be the first key to what this movie is ACTUALLY about. We are treated to a bunch of news articles ranging from 1909 to present times about this "Serial Killer" named Gustave. Not to disrespect my millions and millions of readers in Africa, but am I really expected to care about this? No way this killer, which NO BODY can figure out who it is, would make front page in the NY Times. Just sayin'. Anyway...how can a human live for one hundred years? Uh oh...
The Force is strong with this one...
We are now at an office of a journalism company where we get to meet up with two of our main characters (read: monster fodder): Tim, Steven and Aviva. Tim is your prototypical douche, Steven (Orlando Jones-the black guy from MadTV) is supposed to be funny and, much like my blogs, is not, Aviva- the uninteresting woman scientist who is probably supposed to get naked, but doesn't. Oh...and like clockwork, the movie gives you two middle fingers; the "super natural serial killer" we were promised isn't a person, as advertised, but a crocodile. Fuck you, movie. If I wanted a monster movie I would've watched Godzilla...ass. Tim and Aviva meet up, and Big Boss Man wants Tim to, get this, go into Africa (a regular war zone) then film and CAPTURE Gustave. Are you kidding me? This creature has been killing native Africans for nearly a century, and for the sake of a story, wants a bunch of journalists to not only film it...but capture it? For Tim's sake, this place better have Aflack.
You can really just summarize the first few scenes with this. "Fuck you, viewers."
Our heroes(?) take a plane to Burundi, Africa (ShowTime has millions of readers there!) and talk about more things we don't care about. Also, the movie treats us to why Orlando Jones was a star on MadTv...his jokes are going to be painful, I hope he gets eaten soon. They land, and within minutes, are on a boat and ready to go become lunch. Silly Americans, we should listen to the wise Africans warning them of how deadly Gustave is. I'm not being sarcastic...these guys are stupid.
Nice transition, movie...we're now on a boat, at night, where Tim is still acting like a dick, and Aviva is till trying to pretend she can act. The back-and-forth between these two is laughable, no way they are journalists. Tim thinks that filming the capture of a century old killing machine is a "No-story." He must be the lead beat-guy on the "Brett Favre Watch." Dick. As the sexual tension grows, guys on the banks open fire on the boat. So much for that cease-fire, huh? No one is hurt and this scene had no purpose...thanks, movie.
New ShowTime Blog gimmick! The Croc Counter...the Croc Counter is a revolutionary tool that calculates how long Gustave is actually shown in the movie about him.
After 17:40 of the movie...Gustave has about :2 of actually being in the movie. He's been in 0.2% of the movie so far...
The crew meet up with Mathew Collins who is a licensed poacher...I mean...hunter. He is the one orchestrating this entire ordeal. Well, him and Jacob Krieg, who is a killer croc sympathist. He feels that Gustave should be taken alive, so it will be his way or the high way; the croc will be taken alive. Don't worry, he's not crazy, he's just a moron. Their fool-proof plan? Build a giant cage, put bait in the back, and have Gustave wonder on into it and then close the door. Jesus Christ, Wile E. Coyote had better plans than this.
They travel to Sorya Miduha, Burundi (I'm not this smart...the sub-text told me so) and meet with the locals that will help them out. Aviva sympathises with a dog who was put out on a raft, in the water, as an offering to Gustave. I told that dog to stop shitting on the carpet! Oh...and then the crew meets with a Shaman, who tells them that they will "Find what they are looking for...then they will find death." Thanks Shaman, I hope your head gets cut off. The next morning (this movie has worse transitions than RE:3, it's making my head hurt), our group and the locals lift up the giant cage and haul it to the site in which they will try and capture the 'croc. It's such a simple plan, I'm sure NOTHING will go wrong!
Crikey! Steve caught Gustave...great, movie over!
Well, Gustave shows up, but doesn't take the bait. Although he doesn't get caught, Collins was able to tag him with a GPA tracking device; now we'll know where he is at all times. The next morning (ugh...), the inspects their empty cage and pretty much scratches their heads. Their plan, well after a few more awful jokes from Steven, they decide to set the trap back up exactly the same way. Brilliant! The dinosaur that has already avoided your trap once is clearly stupid enough to fall for it the 2nd time. Meanwhile, Steven decides he wants to go shoot some footage of...nothing-ness. Yeah I guess the professional cameraman doesn't find a 30 foot killer crocodile interesting. While shooting stock Africa footage, he stumbles upon a few people who have captured the Shaman and his family. Let's play a game: How does the Shaman get got? a) Decapitation, b) Shot c) Who fucking cares, isn't this supposed to be about a crocodile? If you answered c, you're correct...but we were looking for a. HA! I got my wish. Steven returns to the tent and tells the rest of the crew what just went down...leading to them all debating on whether they should care or not. Isn't this just what you wanted when you think "super-natural serial killer who happens to be a crocodile?" Just when you think it can't get any worse...
I'm not sure what they decide to do, and I really don't care, because it's night time now. That means the Gustave trap is reset and ready to go. A local native, named Jo-Jo, that, for some reason, the movie takes a liking to climbs into the cage and starts yelling things at Gustave. Ladies and gents, this is my choice for "dumbest thing to happen that doesn't make any sense in a movie" award. Really...this is unbelievably stupid. Naturally, the movie throws us a cheap scare at us and makes Jo-Jo fall back and trigger the door shut. Then Gustave decides to show up and rattle Jo-Jo's cage *rim shot*, sending it into the water. Tim and the rest of the losers run out to scare off Gustave and save Jo-Jo. Another pointless scene that has some of the worst cinematography ever...you're doing great, movie.
Let's check on the Croc Counter!
With that last scene, Gustave has been in his own movie for a total of 0:19! Wow...we're now up to 0.7% of the movie that has contained the killer croc.
We find out Jo-Jo acted suicidal because he figured if he could capture Gustave, he could go to America. He wants to come here? Huh...apparently he doesn't know that our health care system is a joke or seen our tax rates. The soldiers, who have been protecting the group for the duration, are actually part of those behind the Shaman's murder. They don't want the footage getting out, so they begin to get ansy. And horny, apparently, as one of them tries to rape Aviva. He fights him off for a minute, but then he has her cornered. But like many crocodiles, Gustave does not find rape humorous...so he devours the soldier. There is still one soldier left, and he demands that they hand over the computer. Our hero's backs are against the walls, they are about to be executed, I wish he would shoot faster...but no, Jo-Jo returns and puts a bullet into the soldier. Damn. Regardless, Krieg was shot and the crew needs to find a place to hide out until day break. Gustave is having none of that...especially since they choose to hide in a small shack right off the water. Gustave attacks and makes the wounded Krieg his bitch. How are they going to survived the night?! They are defenseless!
And...Gustave gives up. For no reason at all...he just stops. Why? Wouldn't he go after the other 5 people? Stupid. So the remaining survivors (Tim, Steven, Aviva, Jo-Jo, and Collins) wait on the dock that was just destroyed by the 30 foot killer crocodile. I swear to God they are laying there like nothing happened, shooting the shit. This makes no fucking sense. So finally the helicopter that they called for last night arrives and the plot hole characters make a run for it. But before they can make it, the three goons that knocked off the Shaman arrive in their truck and shoot a rocket at the helicopter; they miss, but it inexplicably flies away NEVER TO RETURN. They don't even try to help...douches. Collins, however, does not want to die so he still tries to run after the 'copter. Yeah...he fails to get to da choppa...the 3 goons hit him with the truck and then shoot 'em. Why did he try and run after it? Oh...it was just an easy way for the writers to get rid of a character. You know...the longer this movie runs, the less sense it's beginning to make. You think the writers began to stop caring? I do.
Red thinks that this movie should stop acting like a DUMB ASS!
Now Tim, Aviva, Steven, and Jo-Jo are left to hide in the brush from the crazies. I thought this was a movie about a crocodile...just sayin'. Anyway, the group decides it's best if they go Scooby Doo and split up. Steven is the only idiot to dive into the fucking water...you know, where the croc is probably hiding. More from his mauling in a minute...they manage to escape the crazies for the most part, until it's down to one of them. Prepare for an epic battle...Tim vs. Nameless-African Guy, ring the bell!
3 unadventurous minutes later...
African Guy's brains are in the water. Shame. Anyway, we still have the non-comical camera man to take care of. I hope he makes a few awful one liners before Gustave destroys him. While wallowing knee deep in the swamp, Steven goes face-to-face with Gustave, and hauls ass in the opposite direction. Let me tell you...this croc makes Devin Hester look slow. The 1000 pound beast with small arms can run 30 mph. My ass...something that large, with such little legs, could NOT run that fast. Steven's death scene is odd, too...instead of seeing a terrible CGI effect of him getting chomped, we see the a final shot of him running from Gustave...then a fade to white. It almost seems as if the movie wants us to believe he is still alive...I really don't get it; probably just more terrible editing and cinematography.
We return with Tim, Aviva, and Jo-Jo: our only remaining survivors. Harry, who was a main component in setting this entire trip up, arrives conveniently and pretends to help the 3. However, his true desire is to acquire the computer that shows his men slaughtering innocent people. They try to tell him that they don't have it...but he doesn't buy it. Right...they are hiding the laptop up their rectums. What computer could really survive this much abuse? It's probably floating in the Nile, by now. Idiots. Anyway, Tim tricks Harry into believing that the GPS device that tracks Gustave is really a GPA device that tracks the computer. Harry is a real moron, like the computer is even that vital. Besides, what exactly is Tim's plan? Lead them all to Gustave so he can get eaten? How does this make sense in any real word concept!? Did the writers even pay attention?
A dramatization of ShowTime blogging about Primeval
So the group wonder into a swamp with the rain pouring down. I'm sure that computer still works here...ugh. They search all the way back until they locate a bone pit; presumably Gustave's meals. Tim finds a knife, and kills the henchman. Aviva then splashes Harry with the liquid bait that was used early to distract Gustave. Tim and Aviva run away, but don't quite escape. Harry puts 2 bullets into Tim's legs and then approaches for the kill but, in the name of plot-convenience, runs outta ammo. Still, it looks bleak for our heroes(?), that is until Gustave makes his presence known. Naturally, he goes after Harry because of the bait that he is lathered in. Gustave catches him and makes him dinner part 2.
Tim and Aviva take this time to run out of the swamp and back into the vehicle that they rode here in. Gustave, however, is still hungry. Yeah...throughout the movie he's stopped after eating one victim; I guess he just really hates these two pricks...can't say I blame him. He attacks the car, but Tim fights him off with a small, sharp stick and then drives away. That's it? That's the end of the movie...excuse me, I'm gonna go throw my computer out the window.
This is it...the bottom of the barrel when it comes to horror movies. Forget flicks like Friday the 13th: Jason takes Manhattan. This is worse because it lied to us. Not only did it lie...it lied, then sucked beyond measurable proportions. Let's list some of the reasons this movie blows:
-The camera work is terrible. I mean...it's so jumpy it'll give you a headache.
-The CGI in this movie is a damn joke.
-I never once cared about any of these characters...I really couldn't have been more disconnected.
-There was a plot?
You know what...you get the picture. If I start naming off reasons, we'll be here all night. This movie lied about being a "serial killer" movie, and ended up being a movie that tried to make me sympathise with African struggles, via a mythical crocodile. And about Gustave, the entire movie they talk like it's an actual person. I don't care how smart it is for an animal, it doesn't have human tendencies; which is something the dialogue between the cast seems to indicate. Oh...and why would anyone be so concerned about what's on a camera? The U.N. isn't going to a damn thing about it...they still don't care about Darfur! Instead of focusing on the croc, the movie narrows about some side story line.
Oh...and before I forget, the Croc Counter.
Up from 19 SECONDS of actually being in the movie, Gustav finishes off with about 10 full minutes of being apart of the movie. That rounds out to be about 10% of the entire movie. A movie about a killer crocodile only features the beast for 10% of the movie. Guys...the numbers don't lie. This movie sucks. Roll the credits...I'm done.
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