Nintendo Head ain't dead...

Music Endurance: How long can you last Pt. 1

Possibly a new segment I'll be trying out...we'll see. I find awful song off Youtube, you suffer, cry, and laugh your way through it. I got to the part where they scream at the girl. Oh...and notice how he pours out his 40; clearly an allusion to how the music industry has DIED! 20 bucks says this is on MTV in a week...ready? GO!

Showtime Sports: Eagles have signed...fucking Mike Vick. And...evaluating the 1st preseason game.

Before I address the giant elephant in the room, I'm actually gonna talk about my thoughts and feelings on the 1st preseason game for the Eagles in 2009 against the New England Patriots. I'm really gonna focus on the 1st team offense, but since Maclin did end up playing into the 2nd half, I'll mention him too, of course.

Let's start off with the most important position, Quarter Back. Donovan McNabb started off slow...going 1 for 4 with only 10 yards. After the first series, he really seemed to heat up and put passes right on the target. I noticed he was floating a few passes to Maclin and Curtis, especially. That comes down to just better timing and a better pocket to throw in. He was really moving around nicely, breaking tackles and tossing lasers into his receiver's chests. Overall, the 10 year vet looked solid, ending 11 for 18, 103 yard game.

The biggest problem with McNabb's game, I don't think, was McNabb's game at all...the offensive line looked anxious. The big off season pick up, Jason Peters, is going to get a lot of flack and is gonna have to do a bunch of sprints this week; and deceivingly so. He got beat for 2 sacks and just looked slow getting out of his stance and turning his hips. Peters didn't look awful, but he needs to be able to get up and out of his stance much quicker; putting Donovan in a situation in which he always needs to run is not good. Maybe playing the Pats had Peters channeling his inner Buffalo Bill. Actually, the tackles and center looked weak. Too much outside pressure and line backers getting right up the middle. I think Stacy Andrews was the best of the starting offensive linemen. He played just as well as you can expect and I really didn't think he made a mistake.

Wide receiver and running back were the two biggest position surprises in the game. The rookie McCoy looked stunning. He was like a second coming of Westbrook...whether it was splitting the hole and finding daylight, picking up a block, or catching passes, he was simply outstanding; 10 carries for 55 yards and 2 catches for 12 yards. While the receiving core has been criticized over recent years, Maclin and Jackson looked like a devastatingly dangerous duo. Both were flying around the field, catching whatever came their way. Jackson only had a catch for 9 yards...but 2 for 44 AND 6 returns for a total of 144 yards. Wow.

I was pleased with the defense. Not overly excited...but pleased. The secondary looked just as quick as last year...no complaints about them. Line backing was also a position I was happy with. Against that spread offense of the Pats, it's difficult for a LB to keep up; the Eagles' did admirably. But what I liked the most was how all of them, including Joe Mays (Bradley's replacement), was how they flew around and got to the ball. I was extremely impressed with that. What did not impress me, however, was the defensive line. Brady has a good o-line to protect him, but that line couldn't even get a hand on Brady. They, too, did a good job playing the run, but need to greatly work on their pass rushing skills and get back to last year's level.

Overall, the team played well. But the biggest x-factor of the game, I think, was how the 2nd string players played. They came into the game down 15 and played their asses off. I mean, this might have been the best preseason game I've ever seen. I'm not sure how much that actually means...but it's great for the team. The first unit looked good, but not very energized. On top of Andy's fired up performance, the 2nd and 3rd unit's performance, and the fact that the 1st team is going to get an ass whooping during practice this week...I really was pleased with the 1st game. As I said from the beginning, if the players in the trenches play well...this can be one of the top tier teams in the league; they have the talent, experience, and coaching to do it.

Now...ugh...for him.





My thoughts on Vick are simple, and I'm not going into great detail about them. I was never a big fan of Vick...as a football player. He is a bum QB, and made a living getting hyped up by ESPN for making cool looking highlights. I don't understand the signing at all...McNabb is twice the QB Vick will ever be, and AJ Feely is a better back up option. That only leads me to believe that Vick will be used in a "Slash" role. But why would the Eagles want another fast WR? For that matter, why would they want another elusive RB? In my mind, it just doesn't fit. "Vince...THE WILDCAT!" Fuck that. Not only is it a worthless gimmick, Andy Reid thinks that a Flea Flicker and a Reverse play are really exotic and different. You really think Reid is gonna run a Wildcat offense? Well...I guess that's now open for discussion. Hell...I never thought Vick would ever be an Eagle. Still...in 5 I trust.

As for the "Anti-Vick" thing...I'm not getting into it. Honestly, I don't care. I do believe in animal rights, but it wasn't my dog and I'm not self-righteous enough to give a damn. He didn't kill a guy (Ray Lews, Lenord Little), so it's not like his existence is the bain of anyone's life. Really...I never cared if he ended up playing again. Note to PETA: if you show up at my stadium...save it, 'else I will bring the d-cells and Molotov cocktails for you. To summarize, I don't care that Vick is playing...I don't give a rat's ass what he's done. I just didn't want him on my team 'cuz I think he sucks. Got it? Good...this is the last time I will disuss Vick.

Playing with my Wii: Star Wars: The Force Unleashed

I am pathetic. Completely pathetic. I have still yet to complete Resident Evil: 4 for my Wii, and still I decided that it was time to embark on a new quest. So I headed on over to the local GameStop and checked out their selection of games that would keep me entertained. What caught my eyes surprised even me...although I did fail to find the GameCube copy of the Sonic Mega Collection that had the Sonic CD game on it (damn it! If anyone ever finds it...buy it for me, ok?)…Star Wars’ latest embarkment in the video game world, The Force Unleashed.

I’ve heard and read the reviews for the game and they were mixed to negative reactions. Which surprised me because we love beat ‘em up games…throw in the fact that it’s Star Wars AND a wide array of incomprehensible force powers, how the hell could this NOT be a good game? Well, to the IGN, Gamespot, and other reviews, Nintendo Head would like to give you guys…2 middle fingers.

The game is about a young boy who is taken under the wing of Darth Vader as his secret apprentice. Vader plans on training him to become all powerful and have him aid in the overtaking of the Empire. It’s actually a really cool concept story, because it tells the small, beginning workings of the downfall of the Imperial Empire that eventually takes place in Return of the Jedi. Although the concept looks great on the storyboard, I am actually displeased with the way it unveils itself…but I’ll get into that later. First up, the most important thing about a game: how it plays, of course.

I bought this game for the soul purpose of having a game that is easy to pick up, play, and just have fun with. Certainly it delivers on those accounts. It is one of the faster paced action games I’ve ever played, and notably, one of the more fun. It starts you off with a basic tutorial mode that has the player controlling Vader; it’s just used to familiarize yourself with the control scheme, which is important, because it does take a level or two to completely get use to. Simply enough, swinging the Wiimote controls the light saber, A is a block and dash button, B is jump, Control Pad is used for the camera. The Nun Chuck is used for all the force attacks; C for lightning, and Z for force grab, swing the Wii’s waggle to do a force push. I mention the controls in detail so you can get an understanding that they are reasonably comfortable to use. The only complaint I have with the controls is when you attempt a Force Choke, because it does get uncomfortable at times (Hold Z and turn the Nun Chuck upside down…a little cramp-tastic, but thankfully not a move you’ll use a great deal). Overall, excellent control scheme.

Oh…and I should note that Gamespot called this “the most waggle-heavy" game on the Wii. And in a sense, he’s right. Everything you do is based off of moving the two controllers, however, don’t let that confuse you. The syntax used tends to lean towards the fact that it’s painful to use, which is a complete farce. The game requires little effort to pull off the attacks, and you can sit down and play for hours. Also, a website called Zero Punctuation said, "trying to follow an aerobics routine with both your arms tied to different windmills.” I guess they played this game using their feet, or maybe didn’t understand how to use it. But these guys are idiots…don’t believe their lies. And for those that feel this is too much like a “Hack and slash” game…you’re right. But what’s your point? So is God of War and we love that, right? Shut up and enjoy it, losers. With that out of the way…

The moves. Like in so many action games (Think, SpiderMan in this example), there is a combination of moves that can be used to bring upon a great deal of pain to your foes. Usually it tends to be something along the lines of, “LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT A B Y” and you always have to go back to the menu to remind yourself this impossible combination – only to be left disappointed when you can’t pull it off. Force Unleashed solves that. The simple few motions of the Wiimote, Nun Chuck, followed by a press of a button are two even had ME blasting Storm Troopers to kingdom come. If I can pull off these combos with ease, and little time spent on the move selection screen, so can you. ‘Cuz I r noob.

I feel like this is dragging, so let me get into the negatives about this game: the story and (of course) the graphics.

I’m no graphics whore, but I did expect more than this. I feel like I’m playing it on the PS2…it’s not a big deal in-game, but during the cut scenes it makes you wish for an HD system. Something to think about if you feel every game needs to look like a BluRay movie.

As for the story, although I can give credit to the good ideas they had…it comes off just laughably stupid. I haven’t played the other versions, but I’m willing to assume they are the same on the Wii. I won’t dive deep into the story line, but I will list off a few disappointing, or just rock stupid, elements. For example, I kind of got a Sonic Adventure 2-like letdown. The game tries to convince you that you have a choice to always control the destiny of your character, yet that never actually comes to fruition. In fact, it’s quite linear…character development is pre-determined, with the exclusion of the final chapter of the game that allows the player to make one of two choices; one being the canon ending, the other being an ending that would alter the Star Wars’ timeline. I just wish there was a bit more ingenuity to the decision making and path of the character.

The plot lines are…ugh…terrible. I feel as if the Jedi forces you will face completely break all the paradigms that have been set in place by the movies. Jedis are sometimes cocky, malevolent, self-destructive, and just plain non-sensical. List time…uhh…slight spoilers, I guess:

-Starkiller (your character) witnesses Darth Vader kill his father…yet has no problem becoming his virtual slave.
-Starkiller is easily persuaded, for he begins to drift from Vader for no real reason mid-game.
-Rahm Kota (a Jedi who is first a foe, then turned ally) is defeated by Starkiller in a space ship by getting tossed out the window. Aside from the fact that Starkiller wasn’t sucked into outer space due to the releasing pressure, Kota’s head would have exploded…yet he survives, only to have had bandages put over his eyes for no real reason. Continuity…thank you.
-Starkiller is also thrown out of a space ship window, by Vader, in an attempt to deceive the Emporer. He, too, magically survives.
-This isn’t a movie rant…so I’ll leave it at that, but amongst a few other things, the character rationalization and plot development is just…silly at times.

Didn’t buy it for the story, though, so frankly I don’t care too much about it. I strongly suggest you pick up this game for the Wii. It is not only a great time to be had, but a great bargain: you can pick this up NEW for under 20 bucks. Go out now and have fun with it…I promise you will.


Side note: There is a multiplayer game mode for the Wii I didn’t mention because, simply, I didn’t play it. I’m such a loser…I couldn’t find one person to play it with me, but apparently it is a duel mode that you fight against another opponent. Sounds basic…but if it works like that Light Saber Battles game the Wii has, it’ll be fun, too.

Movie Ranting 10: House of the Dead

This rant is brought to you by...ZE GERMAN SUPERIOR MOVIE MAKER UWE BOLL!






Have you ever heard of the film director Uwe Boll (Pronounced: "Oovee Bowl")? He is, by far, the greatest, most superior director and producer to ever create a movie. Check out his IMBd and click on a few of his creations then sit back and gaze in awe at the high praise all give Dr. Uwe Boll. Uwe is known for taking well known video game franchises such as the classic and, most original survival horror game, Alone in the dark, Postal, Far Cry, and a movie based off of a light gun arcade shooter (ported multiple times to the consoles) House of the dead. If you've never played House of the dead it's a simplistic game that was a smash hit in the arcades, you would use a gun to point and shoot at zombies. Simple. There isn't a plot...just kill everything that moves. Even when it was ported to the Dreamcast or the Wii, it was still just annihilate everything that moves. So how does one make a movie based off of this game? I'm not so sure you can...uhh...I mean, Uwe Boll can! Let's take a look at 2003's greatest movie...House of the dead.

The flick begins with some guy telling us that a bunch of people got killed and he regrets ever coming to...this location. Then the most epic of opening sequences rolls: gameplay footage of House of the dead, with 5 different ugly image filters on it, to the sound of techno music. It's like a techno negative rave party...I dig it! The douche bag...err...narrator character, Rudy, introduces all of his bland and generic friends. I love how the movie does this, by stopping time and going in grey scale. Yeah it's ridiculous, but it works because character development is given in the form of adolescent and cliche attributes. Genius. Our character list (read: fodder list) is as followed: Rudy, Simon (rich idiot), Cynthia (stuck up skank), Karma (token black main character...with tits), and Alicia (the friendly dumb skanky broad). These intrepid youngsters have a date with a rave on a desolate island to get to, but missed their boat. What a shame...luckily, Uwe enlists Captain Kirk in the movie!


Ehhh...no, not this guy.


This Capt. Kirk who doesn't like Star Trek jokes. Duly noted...say, is your first mate Spock? Anyway, Simon desperately wants to make this party, so he makes it rain on the Cap'n and persuades him to travel to this island that, apparently, he is weary of. Phew...I was afraid the movie wouldn't be able to continue.

The audience is then gives a sneak peek of what the rave is like. And let me tell you...it's the best 20 person, daytime island party this side of any given weekend at Bernie's. At first, this scene appears to be completely irrelevant, but then I realized the hidden genius - you have to look closely, but a very important plot device that will be a reoccurring factor shows up at the 4:38 mark. Now...play along and guess what that is:
A) A sacred object
B) The DJ's booth
C) Booze
D) BOOBS!

If you answered "A," you're in the wrong movie, pal. "D" is the correct answer!


A healthy part of any movie's story!

Anyway, after the epic bewbage, we follow along with a couple who's names...I don't know. But what I do know is that they are important to the story, because they slither off to the beach and plan on getting horizontal. In fact, it's the 2nd pair of boobs in these many minutes! Uwe has done it again...he's a, dare I say, genius! The female wants to get down in the dirty, cold water, but the guy doesn't dig water sex and decides to let her swim by himself, while he enjoys his beer...with his pants still around some ankles. Dude...for the sake of my eyes, put your pants on. So the woman swims for a while, but realizes she might get the swine flue, or some junk like that, and decides to get out of the water. Unfortunately for her, the guy passed out and was silently carried away somewhere. Damn...they must be drinking bottles of Ever Clear. Regardless, she follows a path into the woods until she discovers a run down house. I wonder if this is a dead house? She wonders on in, only to be greeted by a slew of zombies who devour her. Delightful. She should have remembered, however, that if you show your boobs...there's a 98% chance of death. Too bad...oh well, at least this entire sequence wasn't completely irrelevant.

As the camera travels over the water back to the boat, we are treated to random snippets of the video game footage. Normally I would call this unnecessary, absurd, and just plane stupid. But it's Uwe...so here, it really works. I mean, wouldn't it be great if in the middle of my blogging I just



put random cuts of



a



game? I know...awesome, right? Anyway, they arrive to the party a tad late because shit has hit the fan...well, it would have, had these characters not been as dense as a London fog. Seriously, the entire party location is empty, ruined, and there are bloody clothes laying around. Ugh...this is beginning to make teen movies look respectable. I'm sorry...what I meant to say was, "These characters are very smart to avoid being concerned about the clearly dangerous situation. Thank God their acting is so damn good, too. Perfect casting." Because the plot says they have to be curious, Simon, Alicia, and Karma decide to investigate around the clearly abandoned island. Greg and Cynthia, however, decide they want to stay around and have awkward and unfulfilled sex. As they hide away to scrump, Greg shows his true romantic colors and decides he has to take a piss. Nice...so while he's squeezing the lemon, Cynthia promptly gets attacked by a horde of zombies. I'm so convinced and entertained, this Cynthia is a terrific actress...she's going places! Oh well...I guess Greg wasn't man enough to handle her.



Back with the other 3 intrepid youngsters have found their way to the clearly safe mansion. Wouldn't you enter a creepy ass mansion with no real reason other than pointless curiosity? Isn't that the most rational human reaction? I'm figuring out that Karma is the only insane one here, because she doesn't think it's too smart to enter the building. It looks COMPLETELY safe! It turns out the house IS safe, because Rudy, Liberty (An Asian chick dressed in a tight, American flag themed, spandex attire...no joke), and some other shmucks that are bound to become zombie-chow. Ugh...there's way too many groups of people here. Rudy 'n friends explain to the first 3 set of dolts...uh...heroes that these are, in fact, honest to God zombies. Breaking news...sun to rise in East, more at 11. One of them even states that these are, "The reanimated dead...like right out of a Romero movie." Uwe actually had the GULL to reference the zombie-master? As if his work can even hold Romero's jock? Sorry...sorry...Uwe is a genius, and George A. Romero would be lucky if Boll even shows zombies in a movie, let alone drop his name. Hack. The entire group decides that they need to get the fuck outta Dodge, so they go back to the party spot to meet up with Simon and Cynthia to get back on the boat and leave.

The group begins to make it's way back to the party spot, when they begin discussing meaningless aspects of their lives. This is to try and connect the audience with the characters. Don't you feel attracted to them? Don't you not wish them to have their brains sucked through their nose, heads bashed in, and their intestines eaten like fresh spaghetti? Me too. Unfortunately for them, zombies begin circling their location and, let me tell you, these zombies must have been track stars in their previous life because they are incendiary.


Isn't putting these cut shots into the movie AND rant a great idea? Uwe is a genius!

Finally, they make it back to the hot spot. Time to party? Time to show more tits? No...the plot is getting in the way. Oh...by the way, Alicia is difficult to convince, because she doesn't believe that this zombie thing is legit. Don't you feel that suspense, too? I sure do. They spot a capsized port-o-potty and a commotion from within. But it's just Simon, he got trapped inside after it fell over. Huh...so now he's covered in shit. Perfect analogy of this movie, you say? How dare you speaketh ill of this magnum opuses! Smiteth this reader, oh Uwe-One! Well, of course this was an anti-climax that seems generic, but it's not...because it's this movie and that makes it ok. Suddenly, a now zombie-fied Cynthia jumps out of no where and completely snaps some poor sap's neck. I mean...she spins his head around 180 degrees and kills him. I'm so convinced...even her makeup, which is seemingly just a streak of ketchup down her face and a slightly ripped shirt, works. I mean...zombies don't eat EVERYTHING they see, right? Just before this demoness can strike again, Officer Casper arrives and shoots Cynthia down. Casper was the one that followed Kirk to the island to confront him...thank God for her and her high powered rifle.

Speaking of Capt. Kirk, we meet back with him aboard his ship, the S.S. Minnow Johnson. He is beginning to get attacked by zombies, but have no fear, for he is Captain James T. Kirk...uhh...except for the "James T." part...and he will destroy any adversary that dares to screw with the Federation Starfleet! Are heroes are also making their way to the ship...but OH NOES...the zombies are in hot pursuit. Hit the lame techno music, it's action time! The crew locates the boat, but to their dismay, find out that is under attack from the zombies. Simon, being the rock stupid cretin that he is (it's ok...'cuz he's handsome), jumps into the water to try and get on the boat. That's right...he even ignores the yells of all the people and STILL dives into the infested waters. Maybe the techno music is too loud. Notice use of zombie intelligence; instead of mindlessly devouring the people, they attempt to drown and beat them up. Kirk ends up getting bit...I guess he encountered the only instinctual zombie. Oh...and Simon gets vomited on by zombie-acid and now is permanently ugly. Oh well...at least he's got his brains...oh wait. Oh yeah...and another revelation, Alicia is now a firm believe and, in fact, tries to convince others that these are zombies. Well no shit, sweetheart, did you just figure that out?



"Dumb these characters are, genius this is not"

Don't listen to Yoda, guys, he doesn't know what he's talking about. He wouldn't know what a good movie was if it Obied in his Kenobi. Before we move on with the story, Kirk weaves a tale of a very mean Spaniard who murdered a ship and practices devil-worshiping stuff. Island De La Muerte is a bad place guys...can't you tell? Oh...by the way, I heard Hitler was a jerk.

So Greg is recruited by Casper to go...uhh..wait, guys, the boat is right there. Get off the island? What the hell are you doing?


Usually plot holes are bad...but it's a Uwe Boll movie, so it's ok.

Well, not leaving turns out bad for ol' Greg because he gets killed off after a chase scene. I should also mention that this is where we get the all new "Game over" for the character scene. It will show the character, with a rotating camera, then fade to red. Why not go all the way, Uwe? Why not just put a big, red, bloody, "Game Over" text on the fucking screen...calm down. It's a video game movie, right? It fits...in fact, when I end up going to that big blog in the sky, I hope my death scene is similar. Casper eventually reunites with the remaining survivors...seriously, movie, why did Greg and Casper run off? What the fuck was the point? Ignoring the rising anger, apparently Kirk was smuggling, I'm not kidding, cigars and guns so he has some readily available. So he was smuggling illegally gained goods...to an island that is only inhabited by zombies? Yeah...good plan. The epic music starts up, the montage of equipping begins, I guess we're off to fight zombies for...whatever reason. I'm just sayin'...there's a boat right there. I'll leave it alone.



I guess the plan is that they are going to head back to the house of the dead an bunker themselves in until...uhh...they feel like leaving, I guess. Oh well...action scene go! (By the way, there are way too many shots of the video game put in here, so I won't put one in every time it appears [You're devastated...I Know]). During the sequence, the characters are shooting away, when randomly the movie will show us one individual character, as if he/she was standing on a rotating platform, shooting in slow motion. Uwe just ripped off The Matrix and cars in model show rooms all in one shot...G-E-N-I-U-S. It's THAT cool. And if you were wondering why in some of these shot's (Alicia's, for example), the character is using a shot gun but then randomly it changes to a handgun...shut the hell up. This music is great, too...it's a painfully off key punk rock diddy that punctures your ear drums. But it works...because it fits with the dizzying and vertigo-inducing camera work. I love this...excuse me, I'm getting motion sickness watching the scene.

Well, Liberty ends up becoming a casualty...that is after a countless amount of mindless shooting. As Rudy watches his mail order bride get devoured (No, I don't know why all of them just watched her get eaten), the movie shows us a rapid flashback of everything that has happened up until this point, and then Liberty's game over screen. Did Uwe even go to film school? No...because he's a genius, and genius film makers don't go to school. After minutes of standing at the door with their dicks in their hands, Rudy discovers a window that they can use to get in. Too bad Casper get's her lower half cut off as she climbs through...even worse? No game over screen...shame.

I must commend this movie, it went from balls-to-the-wall action, to a screeching halt. Now we see the few couples make out. It's such a serene mood now...and how fitting. 'Cept for Kirk...he's not looking so good. I'm thinkin' he's gonna turn zombie soon...but don't quote me. The 4 remaining, Rudy, Simon, Karma, and Alicia, decide they best go search the house more and find a better way to fortify themselves. They stumble upon a sloppy SCIENCE lab that is, obviously, the place that is used to make the zombies. Interesting...really. I'm more interested in Kirk, who hears his once first mate whistling outside. Like every thing else in this movie, he completely breaks character and irrationally goes outside to take a look. Well...Uwe makes up for this and has Kirk blow himself up because he knows he's gonna die. How admirable. Shame it's wasted, since he also blows a hole through the front of the house. Thank, Kirk...just let the zombies waltz in. I mean...it's not like the survivors are trying to, you know, survive. "Knock, knock. Who's there? GENIUS!"

Naturally, the 4 remaining flee to the basement once more to barricade themselves from the incoming horde. Being the nosey bitch that she is, Alicia discovers a fish tank that is full of red Koolaid that has a giant, evil sperm swimming in it. Being the idiot broad that she is, Karma promptly shoots the fish tank, letting all the Koolaid (blood) spill out. Turns out, this is a mutated blood that brings the zombies back to life (more on that later). Ooo..side note, this seems like a great time to mention that Alicia is wearing no bra of any kind, and the rest of the movie has her doing a bunch of slow-mo jumps and running. PLOT RELEVANCE!




After locking themselves in a much smaller room, they find a door that leads to a catacombs. Problem is, the zombies are breaking through their barricaded door, Simon realizes his friends can't escape without a diversion. So he sacrifices himself and blows up some gun powder so the others can flee. I'm disappointed...he, too, gets no game over screen. So Rudy, Alicia, and Karma make their way through the catacombs, fighting off a few more zombies when, once again, they find themselves trapped. Karma decides she needs to sacrifice herself, so she fights off a few zombies and them gets eaten. That's nice...thanks for being so self-less, but there's still zombies left. Well...end of the movie I guess. Phew...this fucking atrocity was starting to get painf...what do you mean Greg comes back to help them? What shit is that? Ugh...ok, so Greg comes back and helps Rudy and Alicia from the remaining brain eaters, he then leads them to some other room.

Well, turns out that Greg isn't alive...it happens to be Evil Spaniard guy. Here, we learn that he developed some mutation in blood that keeps him alive forever AND rasise the dead. Rudy and Alicia are seemingly done for, but Rudy makes a daring escape and tosses a gernade to divert attention away from their escape. They find the exit and feel they are home free.


OR ARE THEY!? Of course not...by the way, it was night just 10 minutes ago and now it's daylight. Ugh...

NO! Evil Spaniard is still alive and chases them, insuing in yet, another, fight. The camera spinning, the overuse of slow-mo, the techno music, at this point in time it's SO not wearing on my last fucking nerves. Alicia ends up getting impaled (right in the boobs, no less) and that puts Rudy into a Hulk-like rage and he slices the beasts head off. BUT OH NO! Fuck me he's still alive...that is, until Alicia stomps a mudhole on his dome and finally kills him. Thank fucking Lord...oh...and by the magic of plot convinience a helicopter arrives. Little fucking late, don't you think? How the hell do you know anyone was here? AHHHHH...following a nonsensical, ambiguous soliloquy, the credits finall roll.


I'm FREE! AND I'VE HAD ENOUGH!

For Christ's sake...no amount of German funding is woth this. How do you screw up a zombie flick? It's re-animated corpses, Uwe, not that fucking difficult. And yet, not only did the story draw anybody in...the elements didn't make a lick of sense. You'd be fortunate if George A. Romero simply cursed your existence...'cuz it'd be the closest to talent you've ever been.

Not only does he rip off good movies with little shame, he tries to input video game elements in a movie. As if I need screen shots of a game to drive the plot. Lame game over screens that don't even occur for every character. Slow motion for every shot fired. Uwe...re-animated dead, gore, boobs, repeat. That's all you need, and yet you fucked it up with a lame story that tries to be overly dramatic and ends up drowning on its own liquid bull shit.

There isn't an action sequence that doesn't make my ears bleed, and my head explode. Really...why the use of slow motion for no real purposese? When I mentioned the "action cam" I think the best analogy is a car on a show room floor on a rotating platform. It's so ridiculous that I can barely believe it's in the movie. But then again, it's the same movie that put shots of the actual game in between movie for unbenounced reasons. I guess I get it: it's a movie off of a video game, so why not put a clip of the game in the movie? Problem is...aside from being a dumb idea...you can't use it as a transition OR a tool to advance the direction, as Uwe does multiple times. Oh...and the damn game over screens...actually, it might be the best idea the movie has. But the way it tries to pull it off is just lame. Even when he has a good idea, Uwe knows how to drive it into the ground.

And the story...oh the pain. Forget about continuity, just try not to fall in the holes left by the plot. It's a movie based off a game that's only purpose is to have the player point at the screen and click. That's it. So it's not as if I'm expecting an epic here, guys, I'm only looking for quality effort. No where in this movie is that evident. Why did they NOT board that boat after reaching it? They fought off the zombis, and then for no reason, Greg and Caspser go off. What happens? Greg gets killed and they accomplish NOTHING. It's pathetic. I guess I'd have more to complain about if there actually was a solid plot...there isn't. My other complaint would have to be that there is really no destination or goal for the characters. Why did they go back to the house? To hide out? Ok...but what was there plan? They had no idea that 6 government officials would arrive the next day. And speaking of that...at the end of the movie, a helicopter arrives and it contains 4 armed guys and a random Suit. It's already been established that it'll take more than that kind of fire power to take out all these zombies. Screw it.

Lastly, the characters. You know...the characters don't differ from eachother at all. Rudy is a bland dope who's only purpose is to have a monologue at the beginning, and end, of the movie. Alicia is there because she is busty and agreed to wear a low cut shirt. Karma was the only black chick available to do the movie. Greg was, also, a dull, bland douche bag. Kirk was ambiguous and Casper might as well been an actual ghost. Cynthia was there because they needed a good dick sucker to become a zombie...don't we all? Really, the most in depth character is Simon. Think about it, the arrogant idiot happens to be the most intriguing character. But even so, Uwe could have just had 7 blonde chicks and have them just act generically and it would have been superior then what was in this movie. If you don't get what I'm saying...I'll rephrase: Uwe Boll screwed up the slasher flick, teen movie character architect that was established since the beginning of the horror genre. That is not just inexcusable...it's just laughably bad.

I hope Uwe is burned at the stake, using Guinness and David Hasslehoff CDs as kindling. I hate this movie...and I can't take a second more.

Having said that...go watch it. You need to sit through this movie. Not only so you suffer just as much as I, but to also realize what the bottom of the barrell looks like in film making. Why critics are born. And why I'm the bitter son of bitch I've become. Find this movie and watch it. I fucking dare you. As for me...the credits have rolled, I'm counting my dirty German money, and I just can't take it anymore.

Movies That Made Me: Ghostbusters

"Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!"

Christ, this movie couldn't have more quotable lines. Every piece of dialogue is funny, I swear to you. Ghostbusters, the 1984 comedy smash hit, is one of the funniest films ever. EVER. Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Sigourney Weaver, Rick Moranis, Ernie Hudson, this movie is stocked with stars and they are all a perfect fit.

I can't imagine that any of you have not seen it, or have a reasonable escuse for not have watching this flick, so I'm not going to waste your time with a synopsis. The movie's main story line is based off of the adventures of scientists Peter Venkman, Raymond Stantz, and Egon Spengler, who later are joined by a random guy, Winston Zeddmore after they are fired from a school for wasting time. Because the private sector expects results, they decide to start their own business focused on the only thing they know, paranormal activity. So, the Ghostbusters are born and they begin sweeping the entire city with their swagger and, of course, abillity to rid people of the troublesome poultergiests. Although they become nationalized celebrities, our heroes aren't excluded from the EPA and Walter Peck. Yes, it's true, Walter Peck has no dick. Peck abruptly shuts down the Ghostbuster's containment unit causing a massive explosion and the release of all the captured ghosts. Dumb ass. That leads to the crew having to face off with a Somaritain God, Gozer. After transforming in itself into the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man, the crew defeates Gozer and sends that bitch back from whence she came. YEAH!

Still, what makes this movie so damn good is the comedy. As I mentioned, every line is one of the most hilarious movies I've ever seen. That's why this is a movie that made me, because it has contributed so much to my twisted and off beat sense of humor. I first saw this movie over 10 years ago and I'm STILL finding new things to laugh at while watching it, especially because the humor relates so well to everyday life...well, except for the whole ghosts thing. Think about it...25 years and it probably holds up better than most any other movie you could name; comedy movies, anyway. There are funnier movies that I could name, Dr. Strangelove, Airplane, Major League all may be funnier at certain times. But Ghostbusters can always be watched; whether it be a rainy or you just need a movie to pick you up anytime. And even the sequal, Ghostbusters 2, although inferior to the first, is still damn funny.

That's not even mentioning the most catchiest themesong EVER in cinema history.

Now, if you guys will excuse me, I got something strange that don't look good up in my neighborhood.


Nintendo Head's weapon of choice.


Oh...here, have this stuck in your head for the next 2 days. You're welcome.

Showtime Sports: Why NFL fans are complete morons

The sport fan inside me just noticed that, although I have put sports related pieces on this blog, little has been an opinion piece (outside of the NFL Power Rankings back in May). So to get that genre down, I decided to talk NFL fans and the way that they always, ALWAYS, debate a topic and how diluted and lame it usually is. I'm not bitter, guys, I'm just speaking from the heart.

I'm a fan. I'm a big Philadelphia fan, in fact. I stay loyal to the Eagles, Phillies, Sixers, and Flyers. Throw in University of Delaware (alum), Villanova - for good basketball, Penn State - for some football and Jo Pa sound bites, and you have what is my entire slate of teams that I root for. Typically, I'm not one to judge someone else. I don't care who you root for them, or why you root for them, but that doesn't mean I can't have a certain feeling about it. Take, for example, the large fan bases that have grown over the past decade in the New England area. There are plenty of legit New England fans, I'm good friends with some of them. They have been loyal transplanted fan to their teams for their entire life. Great. Then there are others, those who have been Patriot fans since they won the Super Bowl a few years back. Banwagoners...frontrunners, if you will. But it doesn't end in Boston, no, this spread of the 28 Days Later-esque disease spreads through many other fan bases. The Steelers are known for having a large amount of fans, but I ask how that is possible without the majority of those being fair weather fans? How can a person who's never been outside of California ever like the Steelers? For that matter, how can someone from Jersey be a die hard Laker fan? A Colorado New York Giants fan? Seems odd...but I'm not here to rant about fair weather fans, no, I'll let ESPN.com's Page 2 write a few filler articles on that. I got bigger fish to fry.

I'm talkin' about the way fans like this perceive...me. Now, I don't care what you think. I'll be more than willing to give you a snowball chuckin', d-cell tossin', beer chuggin', cheese steakin' beat down show anytime...because, let's face it, the paradigm of the city of Philadelphia is so wide spread, it'll never change. Don't get me wrong, I'm just another miserable, bitter, fan who wants my teams to win so badly I lower myself to doing and saying asinine things. But...what die hard fan wouldn't? I digress...earlier this week, ESPN released their 2nd edition of the NFL Power Rankings: Training Camp edition. Their last one was released in May...I guess their writers were getting bored sitting around, so they decided to update a list after no games have been played. Well substantiated. Seeing some of the reactions to the rankings, I can only come to this conclusion: the NFL Live syndrome* has spread further than even I could have participated.

*NFL Live syndrome is when fans begin talking in boring rhetoric about a team. It's not really an analysis, but more of a basic observation that, if even accurate, doesn't do any good because it's something that even John Madden could explain. You know...like all the analysts on NFL Live. Get it?

My main beef is with a few different issues, first it's this basis that I can't give input because my Eagles have never won a Super Bowl, even though most other fans just spout off the same boring bull crap that I'm so tired of hearing from ESPN's crack NFL voices that it's not even funny. I'm referring to a few fans who think their team is God's gift to the NFL because, "Huh...huh....McNoob totally cubed it in the Super Bowl." I'll be the first one to make a McNabb-vomit joke, but this odd detraction from my voice because of my fandom is beyond me. I don't get it, even an honest, well described opinion of something is taken as crap. In the most honest of opinions, I don't think Eli Manning is a good QB. He doesn't really do anything particularly well; he doesn't have a strong arm, his accuracy leaves a lot to be desired, and while his 2007 post-season run was impressive, it's the only stretch in his tenure as a Giant that was worth a damn. He gets so much credit for that play in the Super Bowl when, in reality, he got lucky. He really just did what he always does, chuck it up in the air and pray. The real dap should go to Daivd Tyree, he outplayed the defender for the ball, timed his jump perfectly, and held on for dear life.

What's my point? Well, too many people have become this mindless slave to these weird substantiated ideas that are much too basic. For example, (to prove my anti-bias, I am a conservative) when talking to a conservative republican about the economy, I find that they generally will read off rhetoric and bland ideas for how the economy should be run, as if this were a macroeconomics class. When in reality, the economy is much more that just what you read in a text book; there has to be a critical analysis of it. Same thing goes for most fans. I'm not trying to put myself on a high horse, by any means, but what I am trying to say is that there is a place for the basic ideas of how football teams should be made up, and then there is the next step and that is actually piecing together how the team works. Let's take the Vikings, just to put up an example. Right off the bat someone would say, "Well they have no QBs, but they got a great RB in Adrian Peterson and have a really good defense." Yes, that is true, but is it the whole story? Of course not. Forget about Favre...he's a hack anyway, we're working with what the Vikes got now. Tarvaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels are, presumably, the two QBs that are competing for the starter spot. I'll be the first to tell you these guys aren't the greatest signal callers to ever play the game, but does that make them useless? Hardly. They don't have to be Pro-Bowl caliber guys to be successful in an offense that is built around the running game. Not to mention with a defense as good as theirs behind them. Consider this my official segway into my next rambling point...
Just because a player is not on the God-like level (Brady, Manning, etc.) doesn't make them a commodity and a necessity to their team. When ranking QBs, and ESPN is COMPLETELY guilty of this too, we always say "There's Manning, Brady, then everyone else." I realize there is no argument I can put together that would actually convince, nor be plausible, to argue that Manning and Brady are not the top 2 QBs in the league. I concede to that. However, this rhetorical line has been drowned out so many times that it really blands 30 talented players together. McNabb has never won a Super Bowl, his numbers aren't as good as either of those two guys, does that make him a slouch? No! He has been a consistently good for 10 years, and even made WRs by the names of Todd Pinkston, James Thrash, Freddie Mitchell known to the general public. He is the reason the offense clicks. If you think that that example might be a bit bias, fine, but then take Redskins' QB Jason Campbell. ESPN's talking heads will pound into your head the same boring nonsense about him not yet proving his ability. I disagree. What's more important than a QB who lights it up, is a QB who doesn't make mistakes and Campbell is one of those guys. His late struggles last year were more of a depiction of the poorly run offense on Jim Zorn's part, not Campbell's. In fact, the 'Skins were smart for not benching him for Cutler because I believe he is a better QB than Jay Cutler. Cutler has this aura about him that he has seemed to prove something...like what? Completely collapsing in the last month of the season? A pedestrian 18 interceptions? His numbers, decision making, and attitude don't impress me. But Jason Campbell, on the other hand, does not have such large amount of interceptions because, although he may not be as accurate as Jay Cutler, he is smarter. Campbell knows what throws he can't make and stays away from them. It takes better coaching and game planning to suit what he can do, because a big guy like that who has mobility, and a good deep ball has to be accommodated. I don't mean to come off as some non-conformist hippie, but just because ESPN spouts off the same crap every day, doesn't make it true.

This was most certainly a rant, and one that I'm not even sure had an actual point. Nor do I care. Take it for what it's worth...and if it's worth nothing, that's fine by me. I guess my main idea is, don't just take the plain answer as the whole story. In any situation, dig a little bit deeper. This is getting too philosophical...I need a beer.

Showtime Sports would like to welcome...

Reigning American League Cy Young Award winner, Cliff Lee to the Philadelphia Phillies!



In a HUGE trade for the world champions, the Phillies traded for Cliff Lee and the right handed power hitter center fielder Ben Fransisco for 4 minor league prospects; none including Dominic Brown and Michael Taylor, and pitcher Kyle Drabek or the 7-1 J.A. Happ. A complete steal for the Phillies.

Cliff Lee, welcome to Philadelphia!


Read the ESPN story, here

In memoriam...

Philadelphia Eagles Defensive Coordinator
Jim Johnson
1941-2009

Playing with my Wii: Wii Sports Resort

My buddy Joe picked up a copy of the Wii's newest creation, Wii Sports Resort. Let me say...wow. I can honestly say that I haven't had this much fun with a video game in a long, LONG, time. This game is that good and, once again, gives two middle fingers to game producers who think graphics make the game.

In a nutshell, Wii Sports Resort 12 games in 1, including basketball, frisbee, swordplay, power cruising, table tennis, air sports, arhcery, cycling, canoeing, wake boarding, and the return of golf and bowling. This isn't even mentioning the various different types of game modes that are available to unlock. Quite simply, throwing in a free Wii Motion Plus accessory, this might be the best 50 dollar bargain available to Wii owners. Certainly, it's a must own.

I'm not here to tell you about even sport, but I will tell you that the control is spot on. I mean, it's pulled off without a single hiccup. The feel of every sport is so natural that it is one of the more easier games to just pick up and play...EVER. Although there is a small problem in the basketball's 3-point contest mode when picking up the balls to shoot, it is an issue that a player will solve after a few play thoroughs.

What makes this game so much fun is the fact that you are moving, something that has made the Wii so popular and challenges the other 2 consoles so well. These games will make you move, and sometimes, break a sweat! I'm not kidding...trying to defend yourself playing the sword play game, or riding up the side of a volcano, against the wind, in cycling will REALLY get your heart rate up. It's not terribly taxing on you, but it the feeling of moving so much during a video game is kinda refreshing. I guess I just scared off the fat ass gamers. Oh well..go play DDR at the movie theaters...fat fucks.

The only real issue I have with the game is the exclusion of baseball (which was my favorite from the original Wii Sports). I do think that it would have made the game would have been so much better if they had included, and improved, the baseball game. Still...it's not a big deal after shooting down some other bum's airplane!

Without slurping this game way too much, and looking to big the biggest Nintendo fan boy this side of the AVGN, I'll wrap this up here. Play this game...buy this game. It is such a fun game to play, and isn't that what all this video game nonsense is supposed to be? Fun? Remember fun...well, welcome to Wii Sports Resort: where there is plenty of fun to be had.

Showtime Sports would like to extend a congratulations...

To Mark Buehrle




Buehrle threw the 18th PERFECT...yes, EL PERFECTO game...in major league history. His name will now be remembered forever and in the same conversation with the legends of the game. From an avid baseball fan, Mark Buehrle, Congratulations!

Movie Ranting 9: Knowing

Have you ever been bored, broke, and unbelievably delirious at the same time? I have...that's the only rational explanation for me even considering to watch this movie. Let's mark off all the things that will sink this movie faster than a boat hitting an ice cube:
-Nicholas Cage is in the lead roll...ugh...
-Nicholas Cage is in a Sci Fi thriller...
-A National Treasure clone + more at stake x Nicholas Cage = 3 week old garbage

Still, I found myself standing at the Red Box picking this movie because for some diluted and unknown reason to myself, I thought it could be good. I thought that it might just bend the bracket and invent something interesting in the Sci Fi genre I have yet to see. I honestly don't remember the last time I was THIS wrong regarding a movie. And you know what the worst part is? This flick tries to convey a religious theme. So this movie tries to pitch subtle religious anecdotes to the audience? Great. Let's play a game...I'll try to depict these symbols throughout the rant and you try to pick up on it by the end. If you guess right, you'll win one free chest slap...courtesy of yours truly. Knowing what I now know about Knowing, I wish I didn't know a damn thing about Knowing.

The movie begins in the year in the year 1959 with this off beat little girl, who looks like she needs to get some sleep, staring off into space with some eerie whispers in the background. Very creepy. This little girl's name is, Lucinda - a 6 year old basket case. Lucinda's class has a plan to do something for the future, and Lucinda's idea has been selected by the school - keep that in mind. The idea is for all the children to draw a picture of what they believe the future will look like. Most of the children draw beautiful pictures of robots, flying cars, modern advances that would make the Jetsons green with envy. Lucinda, of course, is your basic creepy girl and she fills the entire sheet of paper up with numbers. Silly girl, binary code is just ones and zeroes. Regardless of her teacher's disappointment in Lucinda's choice of pictures, the paper is placed in the time capsule, underneath a 8-point star emblem. I hope you're paying attention to detail...there will be a quiz later.

Although the celebration is a joyous one, Lucinda goes missing, and her teacher realizes it. Naturally, they go a-lookin' for her. Her teacher stumbles upon Lucinda inside a closet, in the school basement, carving out numbers on the inside of a door with her FINGER NAILS. Holy shit...are this little girl's nails made of adamantium? Lucinda is creepy...she shoulda gotten the nod over that Grudge movie little girl, she's much more of a freak...just sayin'.


Yeah...you can suck someone into their own hoodie, but can you carve numbers into a wooden door with your nails? Didn't think so...hack.

The movie transitions to present day by looking down upon the Earth from, what one could assume, is outer space. SYMBOLISM! After a tortuously slow moving introductory credits, we finally meet up with John Koestler (Cage) cooking on the grill and looking through a telescope with his son Caleb (Chandler Canterbury). Let me weave you a depiction of these two on screen: aggravating. John is a pompous astrology professor at MIT and his son is a vexatious little brat. Caleb's character doesn't seem to fit the roll of a 12 year old, but more of a 20 year old; he plans on becoming a vegetarian, is much too logical for a pre-teen, and although I liked his rebellious attitude towards his father, it has become a nuisance. Typical...I bash the two main characters not even 20 minutes into the movie, I'm too cynical.

John goes to his son's bedroom, where Caleb is enjoying the Discovery Channel. John mentioned earlier that "It's just us two out here," insinuating that it's just him and his son searching for other worldly life - it was meant to be dry humor, but I guess Caleb didn't get it because John has to explain his meaning. See? What child thinks like this? We find out that John doesn't not believe in a Heaven, or any other purpose or determination in life. He is, in a sense, a creationist. This will be touched upon later...for now, we get a cutesy little hand gesture and transition to the next morning.

John is lecturing his class and begins to discuss the differences between determinism and creationism. In a nut shell, he describes determinism as the belief that there is a purpose for us being here. That everything has a reason for happening. Creationism, in his words, is simply just a random set of events that have occurred to lead up to an event. There is no purpose, just an arbitrary chain of events. Now, before I continue...the movie is off on both accounts. John, as stated, is a creationist because he does not believe there is a purpose to anything. That's fine, but for an MIT instructor he must think I don't know a thing.

He states that determinism means there is purpose, but this is incorrect because as far as we know only humans can ascribe purpose to things...i.e...the most we can deduce is that dogs do not put a meaning to the water being in their bowl, they just drink from it and want the water. Humans, however, will ascribe a purpose to that cup holding the water; we want the cup to hold the water so it makes the consumption of the water less difficult. Just because there is a causal relationship between one thing and another does not mean that the cause has a purpose. If you trip and fall, sure the thing you tripped on is part of the cause of your fall, but there was no purpose ascribed to what you tripped over. If you were to look at it beforehand, it had no reason for being there. It is in hindsight that we desire to find a reason, and attempt to understand by refer a purpose. The movie assumes an originally ascribed purpose, which is the primary flaw in the entire line of reasoning of the movie, and it is never addressed.

John then states that the alternative to determinism is random chance, and he even mentions "random mutations" as if to put evolution by natural selection as part of the opposing side of his previously declared dichotomy. This is, again, absolutely incorrect because evolution is deterministic, there is a causal relationship between the change in allele frequencies. If you accept determinism, it is absolutely absurd to state that mutations in an organisms are actually random. There is proof to evolution, and that proof certainly does not point to natural selection being a game of chance. To sum it up, the movie's most highlighted inner conflict has been tainted by the fact that it can't even get it's own ideas straight.

Class is dismissed...do your homework, because there is a test on Monday.


Good news everyone! Professor Nintendo Head is finally going to shut the hell up!

Ugh...professor John is a cynical bastard, that's what's wrong with colleges these days. He dismisses class after he has an epiphany that he doesn't realizes he doesn't have any purpose in life...loser. Afterwards, he meets up with his buddy and college, Phil. Phil tries to talk him into coming over to dinner with someone, but John's parenting duties call and he has to rush over to his son's school because today is the 50 year mark since the time capsule has been put in place. The capsule is picked up and all the students are given the pictures drawn 50 years earlier. All the children receive those precious and beautiful pictures of the kids from 5 decades ago, except Caleb, that is. He receives Lucinda's numerical page. That's boring...he should scribble scrabble over it with crayons, don't you think?

Later that evening, John notices that Caleb brought home the paper stating that, "He thinks it might have some sort of secret meaning." What kid knows about numerology at 12?! John gets intrigued by it later on, after a drink no less. Actually, I think John has a bit of a drinking problem. Does he go to class every morning hungover? Maybe that's why he zones out. After spilling a drink on the paper, John notices an odd sequence of numbers, "911012996," or "9/11/01 2996." What significance does that have? The attack on September 9th, 2001 killed 2996 people. Crazy, huh? John, being the rationale guy who doesn't put a purpose on to anything begins to analyze the entire sheet's sequence of numbers and use the Internet to research the dates and events. As expected, the page is filled with dates of tragic events that killed many people - describing the date and amount of casualties. It's a good scene and does a sound job of pulling you into the dramatic discovery made. Of course, Nicholas Cage not having to say a line in this sequence REALLY helps that.


DrunkBum John sez, "I dun wanna hear ur crazy conspiracy theories. I just want anutter beer."

The next day John heads to work and confers with his buddy Phil that he is, in fact, a lunatic. In order to try and suppress that crazy feeling, John heads Miss Taylor (Lucinda's teacher) who is still alive to ask her some questions about the little girl. Ms. Taylor describes that day when Lucinda wrote all those numbers on the paper and that she had to stop, then later she found Lucinda scratching at the door. Fat lot of good that did you, John.

Later that evening, John is still trying to find out some answers, when he notices that Caleb is outside talking to a mysterious man in a car who gave Caleb...*dramatic music*...a black sedimentary rock. Those fiends! Didn't John ever teach his kid not to talk to strangers? Maybe he should stop hitting the bottle and being so cynical so he can parent, once in a while. Alcoholic. But, the family issues have not ceased. No, in fact they are about to get worse and I believe this is where the movie begins to loose sight; right at the start of the second act. John's relative (niece, daughter, sister, cousin? I don't know...the movie isn't clear) Grace arrives and begins to vaguely give us some back story insight on how John does not like his father...who happens to be a pastor. Does he not like him BECAUSE he is a pastor, or just because he's got some daddy issues? Actually, on second thought, I don't care. Why is this scene in the movie? It dilutes it and tampers with the, up to this point, steady flow of the plot. I don't like Grace, anyway. She's an uppity scunt. Screw you, Grace, and your relationship to John.

That evening, or...later that night I guess, John is watching the Depressing-News searching for an event that will take the lives of 81 people, which is pointed out on the sheet of paper. He passes out and does not awake, presumably, until later that afternoon when his son calls and asks for him to pick him up. He's a dead beat dad, an alcoholic, and a sort of a cynical careless bum. Either way, on his way to pick up Caleb he gets stuck in traffic and is presumably ready to make amends with Phil and take him up on an offer to go out Friday night. That is, until he notices an oddity on his GPS, the coordinates read out a sequence of numbers that matches the numbers on the piece of paper. The numbers that he didn't circle before, are the GPS locations of the tragedies. Oh shit, John...the event is going to happen where you're at! As John is talking to a police officer about the accident, a passenger plane comes tearing through the skies and crash lands at the field adjacent to the road. It's quite a gruesome scene, depicting people burning and screaming, what throws me off about it is the reactions from John...they don't seem to match what he should look like. It's hard to explain, really, but it just doesn't seem normal. Still, as guessed, 81 people die in the crash. If there was any doubt, it is gone now: the paper is for real.

John arrives home a complete mental and emotional mess. He ensures Caleb does not find out about the accident because...well...just because, I guess. After ordering Caleb to go to bed, the boy throws some sort of, "I'm not a kid anymore" crap. Is the movie trying to establish something here? If it is...the flick is doing a piss poor job. John has an emotional break down, but that's ok...he's got the boose to help him forget!


Got a lil' sorrow in ya? Just drink those memories away and hide them deep inside your subconscious. You can be: Captain Repressed Memory.


Caleb is sleeping, but then waken by a shadowy figure in his room who points outside. The child looks outside to see that everything has been burnt and is being destroyed, even the wild life trying to flee. NO! NOT THE MOOSE! You bastards...how dare you harm the moooooose!


Those sons of bitches...Bullwinkle will thoroughly PWN their asses for this douche-baggery!

After his son screeches in fear, John runs to his side to reassure him. Reassure ME that the moose is ok, John! But, wait...John notices a shadowy figure in the forest and runs out side to scare him off. It actually looks like a Jason scene, but before you can say "che...che...che...ah...ah...ah" the scene cuts away? That's just stupid editing and lazy writing. Now it's day time, and John and Caleb are in a car out front of Lucinda's daughter's house. Stalkers. I'm not kidding...they track her down, then follow her to a museum, where the mother and daughter are going. This is getting weird, I get the feeling John is going to ask this lady to "Put the lotion in the basket." Aside from John on the verge of pulling a Kobe on this chick, he tries to pry information out of her about her passed mother, the creepy little girl from before, Lucinda. The woman, Diana, like most people does not take kindly to being asked by random strangers if her mother was a certified freak. She ups and leaves, leaving John still at square one: oblivious to what is going on.

I don't blame Diana for ditching John, Nicholas Cage reads his lines like a robot. I guess emotion is for the weak! What bugs me about the scene is that Diana seems to jump off the handle at an odd time in the conversation. Wouldn't natural human curiosity at least guide her to reading the sheet of paper? I mean, how else could this complete stranger know what he knows? Strikes me as odd, is all.

John's smart-pants degree and gig at MIT is leading him to no answers, so he decides to become more involved. He sends Caleb to his annoying niece (daughter? sister? Whatever...) and researches where the next event will take place. It just so happens the event will take place at a crowded and typically busy intersection. Wow...Lucinda really hated New York, this is the second threat to this regional area in this many days! Our hero figures it would be nice to warn someone, so he calls up the FBI from a pay phone and tells them where the attack will take place and that it would be wise to shut down the corner. The following day, John makes his way to the location and finds that not only is it not shut down, but there isn't any kind of federal involvement at all. Yeah fuckin' right...on the news, John heard that there was the threat of an attack on American soil, which obviously means the FBI is on the look out. Then a mysterious stranger, calling from a pay phone, warns them of where the attack will occur and the FBI doesn't take any action? Blow me. This isn't a continuity issue...it's a lack of common sense issue.




After asking a cop why the corner hadn't been shut down, John takes off into the subway in order to avoid getting questioned by some other officers. Hiding amongst the crowd, our hero spots a shady fellow hiding behind one of the columns, and then running away with something in his hand. Clearly this is the would-be attacker! A very boring and choppy chase scene later, we find out that the shady looking fellow is not concealing a bomb, but a few illegally gained DVDs. This is why John is a teacher, and not a CSI; his intuition blows. While they are all getting a ride on the train, a malfunction in the tracks derails the train and slams into another loading area. It's actually a disturbing, and impactful scene...the movie does this very well. Too well, because it is actually difficult for me to watch. John had the right place, but he should now learn that these events are not just human-imposed, but are also by random events. The unpredictability is what makes it scary.

The tragic event leads John to the last place he can turn for any kind of answers, back to Diana? Yeah...after hearing about the event and John being involved, she decides to aid him uncover what the hell is going on. In order to unveil this mystery, John, Diana, and the children head back to Lucinda's house; a small cottage in the middle of the creepy woods. They leave the kids in the car, and fart around the house, rustling through anything that could tip off what was passing through Lucinda's young mind. After a small trip down memory lane with Diana, John stumbles across the "Profit Ezekiel's Vision of Merkaba." This is an illustration of what Ezekiel (a renowned profit) saw, depicting a fiery creature, a floating wheel, and what appears to be Jesus in the heavens. All of which will play a roll later on in the movie.


The image of relevance!

They pocket the picture, and move on to the bedroom. There they find another one of those black rocks...actually, quite a few. That's not the most important revelation, however, as the children in the vehicle are being surrounded by those shadowy figures, whispering inaudible, and characteristically, eerie things. Feeling curious about why the rocks are under the bed, John flips it up to see what is written on the underside of the wodden frame. It turns out that the label "EE" on the paper does not represent one person...as the bed has "Everyone" engraved multiple times on it. The perverbial end of the world. A horn erupting alerts John and Diana, as they dash out to the car to check on their kids. John spots one of the shadow figures, grabs his gun, and chases after him. He finally catches up and demands to know what he wants with his son, the seemingly human only responds by opening his mouth and flashing an illuminous light at John. The fuck? Did he eat a projector? Well...regardless, the paper hasn't been wrong yet, and it predicts the END OF ZE WORLD will happen tomorrow. You guys need to lighten up...here, have some comedy:



With the end of the everything uncertainly approaching, John notices Abby drawing a picture; it's a recreatment of the Ezekiel illustration, but this time with the sun being emphasised around God. John darts over to MIT and reveals that the sun is about to let off a huge burst of solar radiation that will destroy the Earth. It's very ominous and, again, the movie does a good job of delivering a good scene...certainly, my problem with it is not on the basic film making layer.

The demise is approaching, so the crew decides to try and gather supplies to hide in a relatively hidden cave. John calls his father, whom with he hasn't talked to in a while, and warns him to relocate somewhere safe. His father is a devout Christian and decides that if it is his time, he will not "fight the Lord's will." Ok then. Frustrated and ready to go, John calls for everyone to gather their things and leave. Caleb, however, is not responding. He is upstairs writing down more cryptic numbers on a sheet of paper. Weird...but if the world is going to end what's the point? I dunno..whatever. John has an epiphany, though, and instead of heading for the hills, he goes to the elementary school to take the door that Lucinda engraved numbers on. How does he know it's the door, anyway? Hello...I have a feeling this last act is begining to unravel. John uncovers the 50 year old numbers, but is too late to tell Diana and the two kids about it; they have already departed. Hurry, John, you have the location on where to go!

Diana has become an emotional wreck, but that is no excuse for mediocre acting. She stops at a convinience store for some gas. While getting into a go-nowhere argument with John on the phone (Yes, he has the only working cell phone in the world), the car is stolen, along with the chilrdren, by the shadowy people. Diana steals another car...most illogical, and promptly gets t-boned by a truck when trying to run a red light. She gone. This is getting some kinda weird Final Destination vibe. Not really feeling it. Anyway, John has a sentimental moment over Diana's death, and then proceeds to the destination of Lucinda's old house in the creepy woods. That's where all of this is going down.

John locates the epicenter of all this happening, not to mention his son and Abby. So...what is the big revelation? The Shawdowy-Whisper people are, in fact...uhh...aliens? What? It's difficult to explain, but I guess the most simplest explanation is that these figures are, in fact, angels. I guess angels ride in space ships. Apparently, they have been sent to get the two children (Caleb and Abby) to "Start over." Huh...well, way to break the paradime of what we all think angels should be. These guys are douche bags, John is not allowed to follow his son to this new place. Only the "Chosen ones" can go. These "angels" turn into some kind of energy/higher being form and take their kids into the space ship...leaving the other 6 billion residents of earth to die. Thanks.


Dramatization:
-"You see our space ship, that shit is a Dodge."
-"I though we only drove Christ-lers?"
-"That joke is from the devil...let's get off this planet, this place is a dive."

As the world is going to hell in a hand basket, due to the madness of the situation, an odd song that doesn't fit the scene at all plays with John driving to his father's home. The scene is much too sureal for me to even explain...just take my word on it, it's fucking weird. Either way, it has begun, the sun destroys the ozone layer and ignites the ground causing a firey wall of death to engulf everything in its path. It's a good looking scene...but oh...it doesn't make a bit of fucking sense.

TRANSITION! We are now in...uh...unbenounced location, with Caleb, Abby, and the hundreds upon thousands of other chosen kids. They all run gracefully towards a large tree that, obviously, is an allusion to the Tree of Knowledge from the bible. So...does this make this the Garden of Eve, Heaven, what? TELL ME! Ugh...


This movie isn't horrible, per se, but it is far from good. Some people this movie has a strong first two acts, I think those people are out of their mind; this movie blows from start to finish. Am I asking to much to have my movies make sense? Because this one certainly does not. There's some unanswered questions and resolutions that really don't explain a whole helluva lot. What do the black rocks symbolize? Really...they are around whenever someone dies, so is it some kind of marker of death? I don't understand. It seems as if the director rushed the final part of the film, especially, because the story sputters and any kind of clever plot developments kind of sputter off into obscurity.

How do the children carve the numbers, so easily, into tough wooden pallets? It's not a plot hole...it's just something that bothers me.

Oh...and the creationist propaganda, let's not look over that. This movie is all about proping up the fact that they are alluding to Christianity with certain plot points. That's nice, but it leaves a lot to be desired. Mainly, what's the point of destroying the Earth? At least in other movies there is some sort of connection to why us silly humans have to die, take a God awful movie in The Happening; we are harming the Earth with our pollution and the plants have begun to kill us off. Yeah...it's completely idiotic, but at least it's a reason. This movie NEVER gives a reason for the destruction of the planet. Which, correct me if I'm wrong, is the entire point to the film...even the damned movie is telling me it doesn't have to be here. I mean, is it a "Noah's Ark" kinda deal? Our world has been too consumed by evil? But then, why kill us all off? Why not try to show us the err of our ways; not all of us are terrible people, Shadow-Angels. And the angels...ugh. They ride in a space ship and are cold hearted. Didn't God say he wouldn't do this to us again? You make me angry...


You conspire against me? The God of War?!


Just sitting down and watching this movie, it won't make you think...it will make you hurt because, clearly, the director didn't give it enough thought. Cage's acting does not make this thing any better. Avoid it like the plague, and Ben Roethlisberger in a dark alley. The credits have rolled...and I cannot take another second of pain.

By the way, did you play along? Did you get everything that was symbolical? Good...what you found has no purpose, no value, and you will win nothing. To cash in your prize, send 20 dollars to my Paypal account and provide a valid credit card number. Enjoy.

Movies That Made Me: Pulp Fiction

As I whine and complain about all the terrible movies that I have suffered through, I feel as if I lose sight of what movie going is all about. Even to my cynical and critical brain, I of all people should not lose site on what watching a movie is supposed to be like and what emotions it can make you feel. So, in order to bring a sort of balance to the universe (or, my blog in this case), I believe it is time to view and discuss an enjoyable movie. Just to take pleasure in the potential influence that movies have on us.

I do not plan to go into as great a depth as I do with my Movie Rantings, if only because there is just so much you can rejoice the prominence of films before it becomes redundant. Instead I will give my perspective on the movies that have shaped me and give a critical analysis of the film. Instead of ranting, I’ll channel my inner Roger Ebert and give an non bias review of it. With no further a do…Movies That Made Me.

What better way to kick this off then with the best piece of work Quentin Tarantino has ever done, Pulp Fiction.

Pulp Fiction defies logic. It’s a violent, vulgar, and all around insulting movie. It has corny dialogue and a non linear path to tell a story. And still…it is one of the greatest works ever. This movie don't smile for no pictures. It is a different kind of monster, and that’s what gives it the character that makes it memorable. Tarantino never makes a boring movie, he can make a bad one, but never a boring one. He’s like the Kurt Cobain of movie making; even if the instrumentals suck, you can’t help but still listen because of the ingenuity. Not to hype this movie up anymore, but it is so similar to Citizen Kane that it just has to be good.

The first chapter starts off with Vincent Vega (John Travolta) and Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson) driving to work. These two are hit men that work for mobster, Marsellus Wallace (Ving Rhames) and are sent to an apartment to collect a valuable of Marsellus’ from a group of wayward, criminal young men. The scene is so transcends a great deal. From the allusion of Huckleberry Finn and his buddy Jim discussed how foreigners can understand each other, transformed into what they call a quarter pound hamburger, with cheese, in France. “A royal with cheese,” of course. You have to remember the conversion to the metric system. Following one of the more memorable scenes in cinema history, in which Jules recites the famous "Ezikiel 25:17" line, Vincent and Jules kill off the teens, and the chapter closes.



Does he look like a bitch?!

Vincent is ordered by his boss to take out Marcellus' Wife, Mia (Uma Thurman), and make sure she has fun. This leads to one of the stranger scenes I've ever watched. Vince and Mia share an odd conversation, before she demands they win the dance contest...and they do; they win a dance contest in a 1950s themed restaurant. It's surreal to see it because of just how damned weird it is. And I love every minute of it. Still, it's not a movie without drugs and after taking Mia home, she gets into the coke and accidental over doses. Panicking that Marsellus will have his ass, he rushes her to a close friend of his to help revive Mia. A frantic and tense scene filled with an angry wife, a little black medical book, and an adrenaline shot leads to Vincent having to shove the needle into Mia's heart and wake her. Guys, it's in your best interest to make sure Marsellus never knows of this. By the way, you wanna hear a bad joke? 3 tomatoes are walking down a street, papa tomato, mama tomatoe, and baby tomato. Baby tomato lags behind and papa tomato gets really angry about it, so he goes back and squishes him, then says, "Catch up." Get it?

As odd as that scene gets, it is still nothing in comparison to the scene in which a boxer named Butch (Bruce Willis) has a flashback about how he got his prize possession: a small pocket watch from his father. Who else could tell this story better than Christopher Walken? His father hid this watch up his ass during the war in order for it to not get taken by "no commie scum." So Butch holds this watch dear, and before he can leave town for good with his lover, Fabienne, after stealing money from Marsellus. Tragically for him, he forgot the watch and has to go back for it. The next scenes are so weird because it consists of Marsellus chasing Butch into a junk store where the owner turns out to be a racist, closet homo, rapist. I couldn't make this up if I tried. Butch ends up escaping, and contemplates leaving Marsellus to live out the last of his few hours taking it in the back door, but decides to save Marsellus. Just...watch...



Zed's dead, baby, Zed's dead.

The situations are not just outlandish and creative, so is the dialogue. Most movies simply use the dialogue to advance the plot, Pulp Fiction's characters fall head over heels in love with their lines. Every word seems to inch its way out of the actor's mouth with such passion and powerful presence that it makes it memorable. That's what makes the characters, all of them, so unique: Vincent is laconic, Jules is precise, Mia is a living, breathing soap opera, Butch is bold. All the chances this movie makes are what makes it so much fun. This film doesn't just tell you a story, it draws you into the story and pulls you in multiple directions. Every time you tune into the flick, you will notice or like something new about it. Tarantino seems to take all the bland movies on the shelves of a video rental store, combine the best of every genre, and pump steroids directly into it. I'm not going to go over every scene, because my words could never do this movie justice...but if you have never experienced this movie, you have to. Sit down, buy it, and just sit back and enjoy; Pulp Fiction defines what easy watching is all about.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go find my "Bad Mutha Fucker" wallet.

Movie Ranting 8: Transformers

The year is 2007, the anticipation is high. Another childhood blockbuster remake has been released into theaters and people were excited to see a vamped up version of the 1980s toy line, Transformers. You know what? It was a huge success. #1 in the box office for a time being, grossed tons of money, and was regarded as a great film in the minds of fans.

Those fans are fucking morons.

This movie is not only bad, it was bad AND successful. That's the worst kind of bad for a movie if not for the only reason that they will make a sequel. And you know what? They did. Michael Bay continues to churn out shit-tastic creations of cinema and make a killing. Why? Because YOU people continue to go see his abominations of film making; paying for the tickets and DVDs are what continues to feed this monster. Some people consider this movie good...give me your hand, children, and I shall lead you into the golden gates. Allow me to show you the errors of your ways. Transformers does not deserve your praise, and in commemoration of the new dump of a movie that Bay released the other week in, Rise of the Fallen, I feel the need to destroy this movie.

Now, I swear guys, I don't pick on Shia Ladouche. It just seems that every movie he's in gargles balls. It's not like I have some sort of weird vendetta against the guy from a hauntingly bad Disney show years ago, or anything...


I haven't forget, bitch!

With that out of the way, get your fanboy hats on, your "fuck this blog" t-shirts going, and let me grab some hard liquor...the movie is about to begin.

Optimus Prime opens up the movie with an exposition about a cube that can create life, and a battle that has been ongoing for a long while over this god-like cube called the All-Spark. After the introduction, a helicopter approaches a military base stationed in Qatar and is refusing to adhere to the commands of the commanding officer to change course. The mysterious chopper lands on the base and is immediately surrounded by military personnel. Surprise, surprise...it's a Transformer, and it begins laying the smack down. This is Michael Bay's bread and butter...giant robot creating a bunch of explosions, people running around like maniacs, erratic camera movements...yeah, this is definitely a Bay film. The robot is running a complete muck, until...the scene ends and plants us into the front of a high school. Way to completely jar us from a frantic all-out scene to this. Ugh...

Here at, Unknown location High, we get to meet the main character Sam Witwicky. Sam is a tool. His grandfather was an explorer who surveyed the Artic Circle and Sam has gathered his grandfather's utilities to do a school project. Of course, instead of properly completing the project, he decides to auction off the tools. I swear, not only does he mention that he has listed all the items on eBay, he is actually standing there trying to hustle off his grandfather's junk to his classmates. Fucking idiot. Although his teacher should fail him, Sam talks his teacher (who is played by Peter Jacobson AKA Dr. Taub from House) into giving him an A-. What teacher would do that? Sam didn't even give him a blow job or anything...he just upped his grade after hearing Sam's pathetic story about having to get an A to get a new car. Stupid. Anyway, Sam's father picks him up and with the news about Sam's hard earned A, goes to buy that whip.

I would like to note, we aren't even 20 minutes in and I already have a problem with this upcoming scene. Sam and..uh...Dad, go to a use car lot (Bernie Mac is the salesman...sweet) and scope out the options. Slim pickings to say the least. Luckily enough, a beat up Camero catches Shia Ladouche's eye. Now, just minutes before, we see the Camero drive itself into the lot and park itself. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, that would mean that Bernie Mac does not in fact own this Camero. I'll type this slowly so the movie can understand: You...can't...sell...a car...if you don't fucking own it! You can argue that I'm knit-picking, but face the facts: if Sam never gets this car the movie doesn't happen. I'm counting this as a plot hole just on the pure stupidity of it. As expected, Sam gets the whip and is on his way.


Burt Reynolds says, "A Camero looks like it can kick your ass, a Trans Am will come over and do it."


Jon Voigt, who plays the Secretary of Defense, gathers a bunch of no-names to analyze some sound to try and track the attacker. He also gives us exposition that transitions into our other running plot line, the March of the Forlorn Soldiers. Captain Lennox (Played by Josh Duhamel) and Sergent Epps (Played by...oh God...Tyrese Gibson) are the two that we are supposed to give a damn about. I don't, hopefully the robot comes back and blows them to hell. A man can wish, can't he?

More jarring shots lead us back to Sam and his Nameless friend heading towards a gathering at a lake. Sam's buddy, I swear this happens, gets out of the car and climbs a tree for no reason. I don't fuckin' know why. Sam meets up with Trent and Mikaela (Played by Megan Fox). Trent is, how do you say, a grade A douche bag. A stereotypical jock that wouldn't know an algorithm from his ass hole. After some stupid banter and insults between him and Sam, he decides to leave. I'm beginning to get a feeling for 2 things one, this is seeming like a damn teen movie and two, will this scene have a point outside of establishing what Michael Bay thinks are plot points? Doubtful. Trent is ready to leave, but makes the mistake of insulting Mikaela...ugh, what a skanky name...and she walks off. Sam, being the tool that he is, makes his buddy get out and walk home. What?! House, what's the golden rule of friendships between guys?


Damn right.

After Tool Box Sam dumps his friend, he picks up that whore Megan Fox and the driving scene is not only awkward, uninteresting, and fails to evolve our characters above the level of American Pie, but just plain not enjoyable to watch. That's not even mentioning the fact that Megan Fox makes Shia Ladouche look like fucking Johnny Depp. She can't emote one line without sounding like a complete fucking moron. Ugh...these are our main characters! Being the awkward character, Sam's car breaks down. Mikella, apparently, knows how to fix cars so don't worry Sam, she's on it. And, yes, trying to watch Fox read lines that have to do with a car's engine is completely laughable. Of course, Michael Bay figures most guys aren't listening to the dialogue and by this time might as well just show Megan Fox pose half nude on the screen.


Michael Bay really showing off his producing skills from his Playboy porno days, guys...hey, maybe this picture will get my blog some more views!

Sam drives her home, makes sure he nails that "More than meets the eye" line and thankfully ends this Chinese water torture of a scene. It hurts so bad guys...we're only 30 minutes in.

Because this movie is into running countless plot lines at one time, we are now aboard Air Force One. Here we get one awful George Bush joke, followed by the worst display of security ever. A small robot begins hacking the U.S. military secrets - I guess you can do that form Air Force Once...doesn't really seem plausible - and goes unnoticed for a few minutes. That is until someone finally figures it out and the Secret Service gives chase to the little rat-bot. The Secret Service guys have a worse shot than the LAPD because they fail to even damage it. Also, Transformers can now turn into any kind of machine, because the little rat-bot turns himself into a small CD player and the guards walk right by him. I guess random CD players are quite common in high-security computer mainframe rooms.

The army dudes are getting the shank in this movie...just sayin'....they aren't in many scenes. Sam is sleeping after a hard day's work of acting like a dorky tool, but is waken by the sound of his car starting and driving away. He chases the car into some kind of junk yard, where he sees his Camero turn into a giant robot. Impressive. That is, until Sam is chased by 2 guard dogs and then promptly arrested by some douche bag police. How did anyone miss the 80 foot tall robot? Oh...right...Michael Bay wills it.

By the way, I'm not trying to rant on every scene...but they are so impossibly dumb, juvenile, and base I can't help it. I'll try harder. Back at the Pentagon, we see a meeting called by the Secretary of Defense. Maggie, one of the people who discovered the sound that the evil robots made, inputs her own idea that this hacker is in fact an organic system - which is why they cannot track it or destroy the virus it implanted. Of course, this is an absurd idea to the Secretary and he dismisses her quickly. Huh...woman thinking they can deduce complex problems; get back in the kitchen, broad.


Here at Chronicling of a Nintendo Head, we support sexist jokes!

Oh...but I'm not done with the idiocracy. Next scene we meet back up with Sam who is at the police station being interrogated by the most unprofessional cop ever. This scene is so stupid, MY rights were violated. Just take my word for it, this cop would not have a job after this. Christ...movie, I get you are trying to give some comic relief, but every character so far has been nothing but. Eventually, you either have to take yourself seriously, or man up and put the tag "comedy" next to the genre description. Fuck...are we gonna get another random jump shot to the next plot line? You're an idiot if you say, "No."

Back in the Middle East...yeah, quite the leap, we meet back up with the survivors of the Qatar incident. They get ambushed with a Transformer that was released by the one who originally attacked the military base. This is actually an effective scene, and the first one that is really enjoyable, aside from the painful jokes. The soldiers fight off the robot and are returned to the States for debriefing. Maggie, having gotten a look at the beast behind the attacks, decides that there is only "One person who can hack this." So she, get this, steals highly sensitive government information and takes it to her buddy, Glen (Played by Anthony Anderson). How STUPID is this woman? If this is the only guy who can hack it, tell the fucking Secretary of Defense this so they can bring him to the Pentagon! Hello...McFly, anybody home? THINK! Obviously, the SWAT is there in seconds and they are both taken into custody.

Back with our intrepid hero, Sam, his car has mysteriously returned. Scared out of his mind, he makes a desperate run away from the Christine-like vehicle. Sam escapes his car, and is then confronted by a cop car. But this cop car is like no other, because it Transforms into another killer robot. Sam, dude, it just ain't yo day. This Transformer demands that Sam hand over his grandfather's glasses. Remember, he put them on eBay so all the robots can see them. Sam somehow escapes, and collides with Mikaela; they both get a ride from the Camero and the epic chase scene ensues. Gotta love the fact that the chase must have been going on for hours, because it changes from day time to night time by the end of the scene. Continuity shot out the ass. After a weird chase sequence, Sam and Whore are kicked out of the car and the two Transformers have a huge epic battle-fight! I'd say it's really cool...but the camera is so shaky, I really can't tell who is kicking who's ass. I guess the Camero won, because the other robot just goes away and the Camero invites Sam and Mikella to go for a ride. I suppose this is what we are supposed to accept as developing characters, but I just find it stupid. Oh...and about an hour in, what the fuck is the plot? Fighting robots? Did Michael Bay blow up the script, too?



Oh...I almost forgot, this blog post is sponsored by GM Chevorlet and President Obama. While driving in the piece of shit Camero, and that whore Mikaela makes fun of the car's appearance. So, now introducing the new government mandated 2008 Chevy Camaro!


Buy Chevy because it's in Transformers!

Back to our regular scheduled rant...

So a bunch of asteroids, presumably containing Transformers, crash land at random locations. You'd think highly advanced organisms would be able be a bit more subtle than this. Of course, now it's time for Plug the GM Cars. All the Autobots (good Transformers) take the form of various vehicles and meet up with the Camaro (Bumble Bee), Sam, and Whore. They have a talk about the plot at exposition Dark Alley; Optimus Prime explains that they need Sam's grandfather's glasses because, well...it's important. After battling on his home planet, Megatron (Leader of the evil Deceptions) lost the All-Spark, but was able to track it to Earth. By an accident that the writers don't feel like properly explaining, Megatron crash landed and was frozen under the ice. Sam's grandfather accidentally discovered, and then activated this highly advanced robot's navigation device and Megatron imprinted the coordinates to the location of the cube on the glasses. Ahh...so the glasses are a plot device. But, how does someone accidentally activate an organism's navigation device? This thing is supposedly so much more advanced than anything us humans can comprehend, yet some bum can step on its finger and make it work. Not to mention, why did it project onto the glasses and not the rest of his face? Or anywhere else for that matter? And another thing...earlier in the movie, Sam mentioned his grandfather went insane after an event and for the rest of his life babbled on about some giant robot. Did none of the other explorers see this 10 story tall creature?


Searching for answers...error: plot down the shitter.
abort...retry...fail

Before we can continue with this riveting plot line, though, we have to follow up with our felon pals Maggie and Glen. Bay must have thought people would dig racist jokes, so he put in Glen's character to be as stereotypically black as possible. Maggie rationalizes with the FBI guys, and then the scene ends...proving just what I said, Michael Bay wanted to make a few black jokes and then proceed to get them off the screen quickly. Nice...I guess we just don't have enough comic relief in this movie.

The Autobots follow Sam home because he needs to find the glasses. Naturally, hilarity ensues. Guys...what the fuck is this? How does no one see giant fucking robots outside their house? It's like a lame as sitcom routine. Ladies and gents, welcome to Hangin' Wit Sam 'n Friends! Sam's mom makes a masturbaiting joke? Oh, I'm in stitches! A bunch of giant robots are hiding outside the house? Oh my...this is hilarious! Well, I guess the government isn't a fan of sitcoms, because they send out the big guns: Sector 7. What's Sector 7? Well, it's lead by Agent Simmons (Played by John Tuturro) and I guess it's a super-secret government agency that deals with extra-terrestrial shit. And, yes, it is the most laughable fucking scene up until this point. John Tuturro mails in the most hammy and awful of performances including the flashing of his "Do what I want and get away with it" badge. Remember kids, Sector 7 takes nasty shits on your Constitutional Rights! Clearly, the writers had nothing better to come up with besides this stupid fucking idea. Sector 7 guys take the lot of the Witwicky family, and Mikaela, into custody.

En route to...uhh...wherever, the Autobots decide they need Sam and hijack the Sector 7 convoy, freeing Sam and Mikella. I don't know why they didn't free the parents, but I'll assume it's not at all important. Please end this scene...so after some of the most diluted dialogue this side of Battlefield Earth, Bumble Bee pisses on Agent Simmons; followed by Mikella having Agent Simmons take off his clothes, for no particular reason, and they all just walk away. You read that right, Bumble Bee PISSES on the government agent, and then is forced to strip down to his boxers. I'm wishing the the Transformers would have just crushed him...John Tuturro's performance is so hammy, overwrought, and melodramatic it's sickening. The Smooth Criminals think they have gotten away with their heinous crimes, but au contraire, one of the sly Sector 7 ("S7" for simplicity reasons) agents was able to capture the entire conversation on the phone and relay it to their headquarters. How fortunate. Within minutes, the heroes, Optimus Prime, and Bumble Bee are fleeing from the government. Those fiends!

Quick question, oh God of the Transformers world, you have the ability to transform into a tractor trailer, yet you chose to carry Sam and Whore like you are King Kong. Why is that? Wouldn't a truck be easier to, not only taxi people in, but elude people searching for giant robots? Something to chew one, Optimus.

After a dull chase scene, Bumble Bee, Sam, and Mikella are captured. Aww...the sad music and whimpers coming from Bumble Bee as he is getting frozen are so sad. I guess this is supposed to be a depressing scene. Naturally it's ruined by Tuturro acting presumptuous, again. Douche-nozzle. The good news, the plot is still intact! Optimus has lost 3 allies, but gained the highly sought after glasses. Celebration!

Back at the Pentagon, the Secretary of Defense has been informed that a virus implanted on the computers has disable virtually all communications. He is also briefed from another S7 agent about alien life that was encountered on Mars. Transformers on Mars is the next Summer blockbuster, I'm calling it. Oh...and regardless of their crimes against a government official, Sam and Mikella have now been let go and recruited to...uhhh...help out the fight against the evil robots. What could two bland teens possibly contribute to a government defense tactic? Are they going to over act all their lines to the enemy? I'll go with that.

After some cut shots that wearely wrap up the million plot lines and tie them all together, including the characters, creating a shit ball of a story...Tuturro brings his newly acquired agents to the Hoover Dam to inform them about what they're up against. Why? I ain't gots no clue. But he opens the scene with the line, "What you're about to see is totally classified." I'm gonna re-write that, "What you're about see, is total bull shit. Michael bay asks you believe it to be the truth and don't ask any questions."


Always read and understand the signs.


The government has kept Megatron, the Transformer that Sam's grandfather discovered, frozen and hidden from the world. The most powerful Deceptikon we know about to date is put on ice and has been completely incapacitated for generations. Not only that, but he has been used to reverse engineer all of today's modern technology. Actually, I'll give the writiers credit...that's kind of creative. Still, I find it hard to believe NO ONE would ever no about this. It's just too big to not ever discover.

Oh...but I'm not done with the idiocy.

Sam and Agent Simmons have a pissing contest over what to call Megatron and what his motives are, until Sam informs them that he his after the All-Spark, or the giant fucking cube the government has also commendered. Yeah...no shit. A 12 year old could have figured out that the giant, energy producing cube is what the meanacing robot is after. Ugh...we're not done. A demonstration of the cube's power is in order, so they take a cell phone and use the energy from the cube to turn the cell phone into a minature, rabid, robot. How the thing got a machine gun, moving parts, and missles is far beyond what even my addle-brain can comprehend. Hey...if the All-Spark can be used for good, how come everytime it comes in contact with an electronic the machine turns evil? Stupid.

The Deceptikons begin to drain the power from the Dam, thus start thawing Megatron. Uh oh...what to do? Well, although it's obvious to everyone watching the movie that you release the NON-HOSTILE robot to help you out, the S7 dolts disagree. That pertinacity is short lived when Captain Lennox puts a gun to his chest. Good call; that's the first smart thing the military has done this movie. After Bumble Bee is allowed to warm up, they take him to the All-Spark where he...shrinks it? Right, a Michael Bay plot device has to be portable.


Ahhh...there goes Bay's plot device movies, now!



Right...back to the unfreezing of Megatron. He wakes up and begins running a muck inside the dam. Run! The main military personnel follow Sam in his Camero, fleeing the Dam. They just beat out a deterimned, and enraged, Megatron screaming out of his former prison. Although they meet up with Optimus Prime, the rest of the Deceptikons give chase on the freeway. Prime gets into a fight with one of the bum Evil-Bots, but that's short lived 'cause he shoves his sword down that robots throat. Truly he is God. Hey, God, if you don't mind...this thing is starting to run a little long; mind if we wrap it up here? I mean...you have the cube, can we please begin the final fight between Megatron and you?

Well, that which I wish I recieve. The crew arrives in...a crowded city? Why? I don't understand the military logic, here. Why stop in a populated city? Ugh...I feel my anger rising...

Following an attack from Starscreen, Bumble Bee is left injured and hands the cube to Sam. Yeah, good...give the ever-so-important energy source to the squishy meat bag that is Shia Ladouce. The military begins firing everything at the tank Transformer...who ever he is, and the just-landed Megatron. I really can't tell what's going on. Is the camera man an epilleptic? This is annoying. And trying to depict what is going on through this blog is becoming increasingly difficult with this desultory editing and camera work.


This is the equivelent to watching these final scenes. You're welcome.

Being the brave hero he is, Sam is given the task of taking the All-Spark ontop of a building and then getting into a hellicopter to be evacuated. He almost cowards out, but is reminded by Lennox that "He is a soldier, now" and is even given a good luck kiss from his Whore girlfriend. This is so cliche it's making me ill. Sam just went from dorky, out of place, teen to a fucking super hero who won't be stopped by ANYTHING. Book it.

Oooo...a big robot fight has begun! Megatron and Prime have begin to duke it out, Transformer style and, once again, I'm sure it's the coolest looking and most technologically advanced CGI to date, but too bad I can't tell what the fuck is going on. The only thing I know, is that all these innocent by standards could have been evacuated, but the collateral damage is going to be REALLY high.

Back with Sam, who is still running. He gets some help from two Autobots and finally makes it to the building where he tries to flag down his ride, but is met at the top by Megatron. Things are getting a bit dicey, Sam, what are you gonna do? Choose to hand over the cube and live, or risk your life for the aliens? Yeah...like you don't know the answer. Sam refuses to give the All-Spark to 'Tron and is knocked off the building. He screams in fear, but, why? Doesn't he know he has God on his side?! Of course Prime saves him, how dare you question his all-mightyness.


Optimus Prime bless you.

Prime states that he will sacrifice himself if he cannot defeat 'Tron, but think about it...wouldn't Megatron still be alive? Is he not the only one who can defeat him? Optimus, don't do it...it's too self-less and counter productive! In fact, Prime is beginning to get his ass kicked and demands that Sam put the cube in his chest. Sam, however, doesn't like that plan and shoves it into Megatron's. Wait...what? Yeah...Sam just killed Megatron and destroyed the All-Spark all in one fell swoop. Are you kidding me? How in the bloody hell could he have even concieved that idea? Is Megatron's chest always open for things to just absorb into it? If this was possible, why wasn't it done earlier? It is apparently so easy to perform, why not just fucking do it in the first place?! I swear to God I just went insane...it just happened. I can't take this fucking movie anymore. You got it: the world is safe, the Transformers live amongst us humans on Earth, and Shia Ladouce is going to bone Megan Fox. There's your conclusion...I just saved you 20 minutes.



Transformers is one of the most insipid, malignant, juvenile movies I've ever seen. It's not enjoyable because the action is so painful to watch, or just boring all together, that it's not even worth watching for the giant robot fight-aspect. The story isn't "laughably bad," the story is a tremendous disaster the likes in which no one has ever seen. So many plot lines that are just created, for no other reason then to just be there because the movie needed to be longer, aren't even resolved. They are just tied into the main line and we are given a, "Yeah...just go with it" excuse for believing in all this. And...let's not forget the GAPING plot holes. Sam shouldn't even have been able to buy the car, the Deceptions can input viruses onto the most complex of computers, but cannot place a simple fucking bid on eBay, S7 can do whatever the fuck it wants, the cube is virtually the most worthless piece of techno-crap ever conceived, and Michael Bay's glorification of the military is disturbing to watch. I don't hate this movie...I loathe it. I wish that it would be the treatment the E.T. for the Atari 2600 got: dump those worthless things in the desert and bury them.

But you know what, I'll give the movie some credit for sort of rekindling that old Transformers feel: a sell out movie that had no purpose other than to, not really entertain, but suck money from the viewers. Let's face it, even the cartoons were almost as bumbling as this movie was. The animated movie, more so than the cartoon series...but it was still completely ridiculous. The difference is the fact that they were 1980 cartoons...this is a 2007 live action flick; I expected something different from the movie as a 20 year old, than I do as a child watching a cartoon. Although they are comparable in a sense, a resemblance of a story should have evolved, and it never did.

But ya know what? You can like this movie...go ahead. Melt your frontal lobes away with this garbage and use the excuse, "It's a good action flick." I call shenanigans. This movie blows. And you know what? So will the sequals it's bound to produce because YOU people will continue to make movies like this a hit. The credits have rolled and I can't take another minute...I need to go watch something competent; any chance Resident Evil will be on TV tonight?