My first dive into this blogging habit was X-Men Origins. But, let's face it, that wasn't the first X-men movie to bend over and take it. X-Men 3: The Last Stand is really the first one in the series to suck. I didn't like the first X-Men movie, but I did think X2 was greatly improved. So naturally, I had high hopes for the conclusion in the trilogy. There goes Hollywood...jizzing on my face, once again. Brett Ratner took the job away from Bryan Singer, who did the first 2 flicks. Why? I guess they weren't big enough hits. Well...they were certainly better than this crap. Think of X3 as Marvel's answer to the Return of the Sith. I have come full circle to layeth the smack down on this movie's candy ass. Let's get right in to it...
The flick opens up with Professor Xavier and Magneto visiting a young Jeane Grey, inviting her to join his school. She shows off her power by lifting every car in the neighborhood, and Stan Lee's water from his garden hose. Huh...3 minutes in and we already have our mandatory Stan Lee cameo. Xaiver offers his typical mantra, and that segways to a young Warren Worthington (Mutant name: Angel) who is in the bathroom trying to cut off the wings beginning to protrude from his back. His father barges into the bathroom (Dad, that's a big no-no. He could have had a stolen Playboy...that woulda been awkward) and sees what is going on then proclaims, "Oh no...not you too." Thanks, dad. Way to support me. Douche. Someone is gonna have some daddy issues...now, roll the opening credits!
Ya...daddy issues? Boo-Frickety-Hoo!
Now, in the "Not too distant future" (where they still employ Halle Barry in movies, apparently) our cast of heroes are running from something big. A big robot, perhaps. Storm notices that they aren't fairing too well against this monstrosity, so mandatory bad ass, Wolverine, has Colossus toss him at the head of the beast. Logan cuts off its head, and it turns out to be a Centinal. What? The movie thought it was better to NOT show the ultimate mutant killing machine, as explained in great detail throughout all the comics and cartoons? This movie is already facing a 0-1 start.
Storm is displeased with Logan's gung-ho attitude towards the training program...God only knows why. He's only been like that for 2 movies, Storm. That sends Logan away, and he finds Scott. Scott has just experienced a mental breakdown due to the loss of Jean. Poor Scott...oh well, at least the movie won't kill a main character like that off early after a blind attempt to get his love back. That would be stupid.
We cut to Washington, where Beast (The Secretary of Mutant Rights...or something) who is being briefed on the apprehension of Mystique. Nice bargaining chip, make sure you guys don't screw it up. Oh...and there has been a mutant cure developed by Warren Worthington (Angel's father). After a really stupid negotiating scene, uh...nothing happens, actually. I guess we've established that the X-men suck at training, Scott is upset, and Mystique is captured. Does the director understand that he has to solidify a plot point before creating a new one? I mean...leaving me hanging 'till later is fine, but damn movie, let's stick with something and expand on it.
Back at the school (ugh...I'm getting that Resident Evil cut-shot vibe going), Storm is upset again, this time because of the cure. She thinks that any mutant who would want to get this cure is nothing but a coward. A low down, dirty, coward. So in walks Rogue, a character, in this movie, that is better suited to Twilight rather than X-men.
Side rant...about Rogue. In all the movies, she has been nothing but a whiny little brat that has had zero, ZERO, character development. She is a one dimensional, annoying, selfish, and worthless character who doesn't even resemble the character from the cartoon. Rogue is supposed to be a stacked, southern female who can absorb other's life power, but also shoot fireworks out of her hands and fly. Where is all that? Huh? I guess because Rogue in the movie also has that white strip of hair, resembling that of the cartoon character, makes her the same. Fuck it...
These directors are dumber than a prairie dog crossing the highway, don't ya think, sugar?
Sorry, I forgot this movie is trying to establish a sustainable plot, we cut to a mutant rally where they are discussing the cure. The speaker suggests that they form a group to speak with the government in order to stop this madness. Magneto, however, finds that route a bit too bland. He proposes putting together a sort of brotherhood in order to fight back against the humans trying to exterminate the mutant race. Huzzah! He also recruits a mutant who can help him find Mystique. That's...very convenient. I sense another cut shot coming...
Yeah...called it. After a brief stint of Beast meeting Leech (the boy who is the source of the cure), we are taken to Scott fresh off his mental breakdown. He is riding his bike back to the lake where Jean gave her life in the previous movie. Continuous whispers of Jean's voice say "Scott" and it drives him crazy. A huge whirlpool is created in the water and a force knocks him back. Emerging from the water is...Jean! Yeah, no shit. Typical film move, bring back a dead character 'cause they don't have the balls to keep him/her dead. Scott asks her how she is still alive. Her response? "I don't know." Ha...20 bucks says the producers don't know either. Lazy ass writers. They share a kiss...and then Jean kills off the leader of the X-men. Fuck me this is stupid. They just killed off one of the main characters...the leader of the team. Yet Jean gets to come back due to the writers not able to come up with better plot elements. Anger...rising...
Fat Cat does an impersonation of the X3 writers.
Wolverine and Storm are sent to the lake after the Professor has an epiphany. The two find Scott's shades..floating in mid air, and they also find Jean, who is unconscious. They take her back to the Professor, and he explains that she survived because her powers, "Created a telekinetic cocoon that protected her." My ass...that's the best they can come up with? Xavier also explains that Jean Grey is practically a walking God and he put a mental block on her powers so she wouldn't blow up the Earth. Xavier should put a mental block on me, 'cause when I get angry at stupid movies I tend to destroy the world. Wolverine has a back and forth with X about the morals of him hindering Jean's powers...idiot. Logan, she can kill you all with a thought...Xavier did the right thing. Stick to being a killing machine and not doing any thinking. By the way...this is Jean's alter-ego, "The Phoenix."
The Phoenix and Zombie Jean Grey
They are NOT the same...idiots.
The plot comes crashing into the scene, and leads us back to the line that mutants are making at the building to get the vaccine containing the cure. On the other side of the street, however, are protesters, not very happy about this whole vaccine thing. I don't blame 'em. Inside the building, Angel is going to be the first mutant to receive the cure because he is a complete disgrace to his father. I don't blame his dad...if my son is a mutant, he'd better shoot death rays or stop time....ANYTHING besides growing angel wings. Just before he is about to receive the cure, he decides against it and breaks these chains of restraint...thus shattering the hold his father has on his life. Damn...that would be interesting if we had had these two in the movie for more than 2 minutes, so far. This movie not only has too many plot lines, it focuses on the wrong ones.
Daddy issues? You can't hold me down dad...I AM A MAN!
Magneto finally meets up with the convoy that is holding Mystique (among other mutants) and takes it over. Oooo...I hope we get to meet more characters that the audience can't get emotionally attached too. Following about 5 unnecessary corny lines, our new members of the Brotherhood are: James Mavericks (Multiple Man) - he agrees to join the club after zero persuasion...nice, Jane Marco (The Juggernaut). And, yes, I do plan on making a "I'm the Juggernaut" joke later. The crew is very confident with their new additions, that is, until a security guard puts a dart into Mystique and un-mutates her. Yeah...they just eliminated another main mutant. There aren't enough facepalm pictures to use here so to express my complete displeasure. Movie, you can't just continue to eliminate main characters from the movie as you wish. At this rate, Professor X is going to get the hook. Please don't do it...regardless, Magneto drops Mystique like a crazy girlfriend. Harsh.
We have a brief scene with Beast that accomplishes nothing before catching up with Jean and Wolverine. I must have switched on to Skinemax, because Jean mounts Logan like she's in a cheap porno. The foreplay scene doesn't last, however, because Logan remembers he has E.D. Right...the animal-like mutant curbed his primal instinct to ram her on the table because of logic. Jean, upset that she is left cold, storms out and...another worthless scene down the drain. This movie is really achieving a lot. Professor X is pissed at Logan for bringing an end to the world by releasing the most powerful mutant inside Jean Grey. So Xavier heads to..uhh...her house? Ok...and is met their by Magneto, who is there to recruit Jean (Now to be referred to as Phoenix) to the Brotherhood. He's goal orientated.
After a few bumps coming from the house, Logan decides he's going in. Ok...that garners a worthless fight scene between him and Storm, versus the Shmucks from the Brotherhood, naturally, right? Juggernaut tosses Logan around, doesn't Logan know who he's fighting? While the 5 brawl over...purpose not given, Phoenix begins levitating the house, and Xavier. Movie, what are you thinking? Yeah...you guessed it: The movie kills off ANOTHER main character. Christ's sake, who the hell is going to be left for the final act? This is worse than when the Transformers (1986) animated movie killed off all its characters to issue a new line of toys. Have any of these character's dismissals even led to a realization or important development? Can..erm...could Professor Xavier walk? Exactly.
2 tasteless jokes in these many minutes...still, it is more respectful than what the movie did to him.
Movie has a mandatory funeral scene in which I'm supposed to care. Movie, you just killed off the catalyst for the entire X-men series. I'm not sad he's dead, I'm upset the writers are still breathing. Since teenage sorrow and romance is the reason I dig this movie, Iceman takes Kitty (Who is NOT 19...she looks 12), I swear to God, ice skating. Nice move, dope. Like your girlfriend ISN'T watching you flirt with this under aged chick. This is almost as mind boggling as that scene in Spider man 3 when Peter kissed that girl when he KNEW M.J. was watching. Did these 2 directors go to the same party school? Idiots. Of course, this whole thing angers Rogue, so she decides this is the last straw. The straw that broke the camels back. The straw that...sucks like this movie. Hey, bad blogging for bad dialogue, people. Rogue is going to go get the cure. What's are character casualty list at? I lost count after Cyclops.
Note: We are half way through the movie; the 57 minute mark. What have we accomplished? Help your neighbor, the answer is: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! God this movie sucks.
Get it?
After some more 7th Heaven-esque teenage drivel, we catch up with our pal Magneto in the woods with a whole army of non-complacent mutants. I'd explain all the nothing-ness that goes on in this scene, but I don't care. Another part that just dies off with no purpose...like all the characters in this God forsaken thing. It's an analogy for itself. Sorry...I got caught up in the hate, back to whatever plot line we are in. Right, Magneto issues a threat, Pyro blows up the building where the cure is in a terrorist act, and the army is getting strapped for a battle. There, you're caught up. Time for more delusional actions from Logan...he wouldn't bang Jean, but he'll try and save the Phoenix. Ass. Wolverine storms Magneto's tree huggers group in a forest and, whoa, and honest to goodness action sequence? Yeah...it's short lived, but at least we finally have one. Though, it only lasts until Wolverine walks in on Magneto holding his Klan meeting with the Brotherhood, hyping up his army for some cross burnings..or human killings, whichever. But then, oops, Wolverine once again is caught by Magneto and they have a conversation that is SO close to having God's honest character development it's scaring. Wolverine calls out Magneto for not comprehending the Phoenix's powers and for not helping his friend Xavier. You know, he's got a point. Magneto befriended Xavier, even though they stood for different things; he never wanted the Professor dead. So he could convince her to join his clan, but not hesitate to kill off Xavier? I'm calling shenanigans...oops, sorry, times up. Scene over...we need more shots of Zombie Jean Grey standing around trying to make dramatic faces. ACTING AT IT'S FINEST!
The army has put together a task force to ambush Magneto, but to their dismay, the entire group they located happens to only be Multiple Man. I can't believe the movie actually found a purpose for him...I guess this will be the last we see of him. Hold the phone, though, where's Magneto really at? I'll tell you after the X-men suit up and have poorly written inspirational dialogue. Gotta love that the best force they can put together is Wolverine, Storm, Beast, Iceman, Colossus, and..ugh...Kitty. Truly these are the greatest heroes available! Right, Magneto's location...he's on the Golden Gate Bridge. What's he doing? Oh...just levitating it over to Alcatraz Island...that's all. Yeah, actually it is a really cool effect. Funny that Phoenix didn't just levitate them all over to the island...but that's not my beef with this scene. My problem is the fact that it commits what, might be, one of the worst oversights ever. Notice how when Magneto first lifts the bridge it's clearly daylight, and when he travels the short few thousand feet to the island, it's completely dark. Did anybody pay attention to this movie when it was being edited? THINK!
More lack of thinking sure to come with the climatic battle underway, I bet. Magneto sends his worthless associates first, which is smart, especially since he finds out the hard way that the humans switched to plastic guns. You know, there is a reason that guns are metal; a plastic gun wouldn't be able to fire that many times, or at a high velocity, because it would fracture due to the stress created from the combustion's pressure or the thermal reaction. Besides, Magneto's power is quite...well...powerful. The army is shooting out syringes containing the cure. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't the syringes being used have to have metal tips? Yeah...so why can't he control the direction of the needles? No...the movie would rather have Arclight (A transvestite mutant) target the weapons with her/his shock wave. Right...the random blast of distorted air should be accurate. By the power of plot convenience, it works.
In case you're wondering, yes, the Phoenix is STILL just standing there.
The X-men finally land and begin fighting off the seemingly endless horde of mutants. Ugh...even the action sequences in this flick blow. I couldn't be more disinterested...and where did the army go? Did they only bring one set of weapons, and are now rendered worthless? Maybe mutants should just take over. While the battle brews, Juggernaut is sent to capture Leech, and kill the boy. But not if Kitty has a say in it! Yeah...Kitty vs. Juggernaut, who ya got? Doesn't Kitty know who he is...?
Yeah...he does use that line which, admiringly, is pretty funny. After chasing Kitty through the building, they finally reach Leech. How does Kitty defeat the almighty Juggernaut? By making him run at them, then moving out of the way, but still being close enough for Leech to suck his powers, making Juggernaut headbutt the wall and knock himself out. Lame. That's ok, though, because Magneto is busy tossing cars at the army. I don't know, I guess this is the final phase of the plan. What isn't part of his plan, probably, is his best fighting mutants getting easily disposed of, then him getting tricked by Wolverine and Beast. After a diversion created by Logan, Beast stabs Magneto with syringes containing the cure...turning him human. Oh the irony. He plays more mind games with Phoenix, however, tricking her into attacking the entire island. Is she the most naive person ever? For being the closest thing to God on Earth...she ain't not dat bright. Ya heard?
The directors haven't actually included Phoenix in the movie for awhile, so they decided to put her into the most over the top, uncessary, albeit cool, special effects display ever. Phoenix begins to completely destroy the island and all the people in it. While most evacuate in time, Wolverine stays because he is the only one who can stop her. How is that? Well...because the way she kills people is by ripping them into dust, he can heal before that happens, which he does. After having an emotional scene...he puts some anamantium in her chest via his claws. Sweet...the world is safe for democracy. One complaint, though: Why didn't Wolverine just inject her with the cure? Hello...McFly! Anybody home? Being a human is better than being dead! Movie...for the love of filmaking...THINK!
I know the feeling, buddy.
The final act closes with what the movie thinks is resolution, but it isn't. In fact, we have resolved nothing. I'm dead fucking serious, the biggest plot hole OF ALL TIME happens at the end. Remember how the entire movie, Magneto is a wanted terrorist? Yeah, well the final scene consists of him playing chess, by himself, in the park and somehow making one of the pieces move slightly. Again, movie, THINK! He should be, you know, in fucking jail! How did anyone over look this? This is not only an awful way to hint to a sequal, but one of the worst continuity errors I've ever seen. I'm sorry...this just begs me to do it...
This movie is teh pain!
X3 is an awful, poorly scripted, awfuly written, shitties pieces of movies I've ever had the displeasure of paying to see. This damn movie can't even get it's plot straight, because it tries to create far too many plot lines. It's unbelieveable how bad this movie was directed; it reminds me of Resident Evil 3 the way that it jumps back and forth with it's plot lines. Not to mention the writing...oh the writing. The dialogue actually isn't talking, it's more like a string of cliche lines just put together. It's really just brain numbing to even listen to. The acting isn't any better, but the actors aren't that bad; I blame the stupid script and base directing. It kills off major characters, only to lead to NOTHING - no character evolutions, no important devleopments, NOTHING. I've seen cop buddy movies with better character development than this movie. Fuck me this is bad...and you know what? It's finally over...if, in fact, they make more of these X-men movies, I'll be there. I'll be waiting to destroy your flick. You will stand no chance. May God have mercy on you, your cast, your plot, your script, and your soul...because I'm coming for you. For now, roll the credits...
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