In 1954, one of the greatest suspense/horror film directors of all time, Alfred Hitchcock, directed a Rear Window. A movie based off of the short story written by Cornell Woolrich. The movie told a story about a photographer who was temporarily wheel chair-ridden and decided to look upon his next door neighbors while he healed. The man eventually found out that one of his neighbors had killed his wife. After a few exciting elements, the climax was a confrontation between the murderer, and the photographer, in which the wheel chair-ridden man came out victorious; leading to the killer's arrest. It is still considered one of the greatest mystery/suspense films to the day.
Now, many other pop culture outlets have taken Hitchcock's classic and adapted it to their own shows. There was a 1998 remake of Rear Window, where Christopher Reeve played a paralyzed man (good casting), instead of a man with broken legs. Not to mention a Simpsons' episode. Obviously, other directors love to pay homage to classic movies that have built the foundation of what we enjoy today, however, there is a difference between giving credit through imitating and just completely ripping off. Enter: Disturbia.
Disturbia stars one of my all-time Shit Listers, Shia LaDouche. You know, the guy in such classics like, I, Robot, Eagle Eye, and Transformers. Honestly, not only do I think he's a terrible actor...he always comes off like such a douche. Hence the name, I guess. Anyway, Disturbia does not pay homage to Rear Window as other outlets, but completely rips it off. How does this movie bend over a nostalgic favorite? Let's take a look...
The flick opens up with Kale (Shia) fishing with his father in a body of water. He almost catches one but, ohhh...so close. This is nice. No really, the movie has done a good job in the first few minutes establishing an emotional attachment between father and son with the audience. After completing the manly excursion, dad and Kale are talking to mom on the drive home when an SUV passes by their car. What a dick head. Kale follows behind him (much too close, it appears) when the SUV suddenly swerves and Kale tries to avoid a incapacitated car, but fails, and the car flips over. The two seem to have escaped with no injuries, until a red truck blasts through their car. The father is killed. Wow...way to create an opening sequence, movie. Still, I have a beef with this film. Why didn't the father insist Kale, clearly a young driver, to stop riding the SUV's bumper? Why did the SUV wait until the LAST possible second to swerve, was he not paying attention, either? Finally, the red truck, too, doesn't even seem to slow down. It's a small 2-lane road...were they driving with their eyes closed? Just sayin'...
Movie transitions to a year later, where Kale is sleeping in his Spanish class. His teacher, whom happens to be the biggest Hispanic prick you can find, asks Kale if he did his homework. After not getting the answer he wanted he asks, "What would your father think?" Bad move. Kale gives him a right hook Manny Pacquio would be proud of. Unfortunately for him, that lands him 3 months house arrest; there goes his Summer vaca. Still...the teacher deserved it. That teacher is an ass hole.
Get it?
So the house arrest thing doesn't seem like that bad of a gig for a teenager and it starts off well. He is pwning n00bs on XBox Live quite effectively that is, until it gets canceled. Oh God...no more XBox?! You're cruel, mom! Not only does she ex-nay the XBox, she cancels his Itunes account, so now Shia can't download the Jonas Brothers' new smash hit, "Fuck you, Shia." He tries to pass time by watching soft core porn, scratching at his ankle bracelet, and doing housework in the most half-ass of ways. Mom even cut the cord to his TV! She is foul demoness. Actually, what gets me is Kale's reaction. He should be in jail right now, yet he feels like his mom owes him something. Kale, get into character: You're a felon...act like it and get to work. After a bored segment, he notices people moving in next door and catches a glimpse of a young attractive female. He made the same face when he first saw Megan Fox's character in Transformers...it's his acting face. The ring of the doorbell breaks his concentration and he finds a bag on fire. Kale, don't step on it...you know it's dog shi...ugh...he stepped on it. In an enraged stupor, he chases after the kids, but realizes he is outside of the safe-zone radius and scurries back to his front yard. He thinks he has made it safely, but darn those anti-climaxes, the cops pull up. Let me tell you something, these must be the finest officers around; that wasn't even a full minute between the bracelet going off and the cops showing up. As it turns out, the cop that is watching over Kale happens to be his Spanish teacher's cousin. Oops...naturally, the cop humiliates Kale in front of the entire neighborhood by cuffing him. Tough guy.
Not wanting to see Officer Gutierez, again, Kale puts a border that marks out where he cannot cross. And now, ladies and gents, let the voyeurism begin. Kale begins to observe all his neighbors...except the new chick (Ashley), who he just watches her get dressed, do yoga, and swim. You know...I'm getting a "Teen movie" alert. The movie started off with great character connections, but between these hormonal and boredom driven sequences and his goofy friend (Ronnie), I'm losing interest. Speaking of losing interest, where's the plot? The progression of any story has been absent for about 20 minutes. Movie...advance story line if you aren't going to make the characters more interesting.
Hearing my pleas, the movie injects the element of a local kidnapping that has been connected to a previous string of homicides. An A.P.B. was put out for a blue Mustang with a dent on the front bumper. Ironically enough, Kale's neighbor, Robert Turner, happens to have a whip that matches that description. End plot element...we need more shots of Ashley in her bikini. Ashley takes a dip, but then catches Kale and Ronnie spying on her.
James Bond he ain't...
So she reacts like every other teenage girl after finding out she's getting spied...she heads on over to hang out with the two creepy guys. Not only that, but she has no problem going along with Kale's theory of Turner being behind the kidnapping. She even suggests a steak out. The bad acting is not helping this story any, guys...this isn't Cinemax; T&A can't save this movie. Much...
The Tremendous Trio (As opposed to Dynamic Duo...get it? Ugh...sorry) gather their spy gear, while Ashley reads some articles about how the killer mangled his victim's bodies and stuffed them in his walls. Ugh...could you imagine the smell? How grotesque is this sociopath? Well...Scooby Doo Crew decide not to worry about those silly details and instead order a pizza. Maybe calling this movie a Rear Window rip off was too presumptuous of me. It's not nearly as interesting.
After pizza, Turner is seen bringing home a chick. After a few of those "It looks like he's gonna kill her, but doesn't now let's all laugh" moments, Ashley heads out. Kale goes back to his voyeurism because, let's face it, that's all he can do. He sees the brat kids from earlier watching porn. Thanks for foreshadowing the revenge, movie...we get it. Then, something exciting happens; the chick at Turner's is seen freaking out and getting chased around the house by Turner. Kale records it and expects the worst, but then notices the woman's car leaving a few seconds later. She wasn't running for her life, Kale, she just realized that the guy she is about to blow is old enough to be her grandfather. Seriously, the dude looks like Hanible Lector's brother. What's even worse, come the next morning, is that Kale's mother's car got a flat and Turner helped her out. He appears in their kitchen acting pompous. Douche...I know you're the killer, Turner, the movie isn't capable of complex character and plot developments. Your presumptuousness can't fool me.
Creep, right? Well the movie thinks we need more building of the love interest. Guys, a great aspect of Rear Window was that the character already had his love interest. The point wasn't developing HIS character...it was supposed to show how people react. The true inner workings of the human interactions. Disturbia is failing in that aspect, and it's no more evident because now we focus back on Kale and Ashley's newly found love interest. Ashley is having a party, Kale can't go so he gets jealous and blasts his music over to her's in order to screw it up. Dude, lighten up. You wanna party? Next time don't give your Spanish teacher el righto hooko. Actually, this scene is funny if only because it is so mischievous and quirky. But, it really doesn't fit with the fact that, just a few minutes ago, you were trying to convince me the neighbor is a psychopath. See where I'm goin' with this? The movie takes 1 step forward and 2 steps back. It's getting on my last nerves...
Chris Brown beat talent into one Distubria...think he can go 2 for 2? What...too soon?
Anyway, Ashley comes over to confront why Kale is being such a douche. Faced with the question from Ashley of, "What does he look at when he spies on the neighborhood." Wait...I can answer that one.
Actually, Kale has a realization. A proverbial coming of age where he explains that Ashley isn't vein, no, she has special qualities that transcend most. The movie finally discovers what it really should be the root of this movie, the true scope of the human interactions. Then they kiss and he gets to second base. I feel like I dove into the shallow end of the pool: it seemed fun at first, but ended in pain. But before Kale can drop the panties, Ashley hears a commotion coming from Turner's. She notices blood spatter on the windows and him dragging a heavy bag into the garage. Holy shit, movie...way to break up the scrumping. It really is so jarring...to, at one moment see them making out, and then a sudden cut to blood getting spewed across a window to a screeching orchestra. Weird.
Because they now believe he is truly a killer, the 3 device a plan to get into his car and acquire his garage door opener in order to gain access to Turner's house. What's the plan? Ashley follows Turner to the hardware store to follow him, Kale plays commander and relays Ashley's info to Ronnie who is, I swear to God, picking Turner's lock in the middle of the daylight. Good call...I'm sure the close knit community won't notice. Tragically, Ashley loses Turner in the store after she bumps into a girl she knows...I think. The back-and-forth is weird:
Ashley: *Bumps into girl, drops phone*
Woman: "Oh...hi, Ashley!"
Ashley: "Oh hi....Skinny-Minny."
Woman: "Where did you hear that name?"
And scene...
Yeah, I don't get it either. Anyway, Ashley gets into her car and tries to find Turner and...oh...she does. He stands right in front of her car, climbs in, and "kindly" asks her and her friends to stop following him. Ashley...tell him to GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOU CAR. Guys...I'm trying not to use anymore "face palm" picks, but these movies make it so hard to resist. Following that ordeal, Ashley thinks they should call off the spying, but she isn't under house arrest. Kale has none of that and, luckily, has a reason to break into Turner's crib. Oh...but before I tell you that, here's a question for you, movie: Ashley was the one who saw the blood on the window, why is she the one to give up? Isn't the proof up until this point convincingly pointing toward the conclusion that Turner is, in fact, a homicidal maniac? Think about it, hero.
Back to the rant...Ronnie, being the oblivious Asian he is, dropped his phone in Turner's car so now he needs to go get it. Kale hooks him up with a camera and the hacked garage door opener and sends Ronnie in. Kale, you're a coward. Stop sending your lone friend into...actually, Ronnie is annoying, I hope he gets butchered. He gets his phone, and then locates bloody rags. Nasty. Then the garage door closes and, instead of re-opening it and running, he runs in the house. Most...illogical. Kale fears for his friend so he darts out and over to Turner's. Why doesn't he just call the cops? If he leaves...nevermind...idiot. He bangs at the door, bat in hand, and then the cops show up. Duh. The cops cuff him and are ready to take him, but Kale tells them that Ronnie is still inside and Turner has a dead body in the house. Well, the body turns out to be a deer. He cut up a deer and kept it in his garage? What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Clearly he is crazy. Ok...that's one question answered, but where's Ronnie? Yeah...the cops really don't look into that one too much. Ronnie ends up escaping somehow and heads back over to Kale's.
An entire night of false assumptions leads to Kale's mom worrying that Turner might press charges, so she heads over to explain and apologize. Ronnie hooks up his camera to the computer so he can show how cool his escape from Turner's was. While watching his mother converse with Turner, Kale notices something on the video: the face of a decaying body. Oh shit...I KNEW IT! Turner is a psycho...Turner is a killer...Turner is...in the house. Yeah, after taking a pipe to Ronnie's face, he goes after Kale. They have a scuffle which ends up in Kale getting duct tapped. But don't worry, Ashley shows up and helps out. They run out of the house, triggering the bracelet to go off. Gutierrez is called to the scene, but like the excellent law enforcer he is, has to finish his burger before responding. Very responsible of him.
Disturbia's crack law enforcer: Police Chief Wiggum!
Kale searches the house, all at once revealing what we already know. Officer Wiggum is not far behind, too bad Turner jumps out of a corner and snaps his neck. Is Turner an ex-military guy? Movie...you have established that he can take a guy much younger than him and has black-ops skills, but you never told us how. Thanks for that. Never the less, Kale makes his way down to the most creepiest of dungeons this side of Silence of the Lambs. Kale locates his mother and frees her from the restraints, but she falls backwards into the arms of Turner. That sly bastard...I guess he wanted 5 different ways to get into this dive, huh? Regardless, him and Kale duke it out, with dale shoving a pair of giant garden sheers into his chest. Take that, bitch!
Hurray! Kale saved his mom, Ronnie is safe, the killer is dead and his victims avenged. Oh...of course the most important thing, Kale gets the chick. How could we have a movie with LaDouce end WITHOUT him getting a girl? Ugh...
This is far from the worst movie I've seen. Hell, it's not even Shia's worst. But the fact that it completely bit off one of my favorite director's work is what puts this shitter over the top. Don't get me wrong, this movie blows. Shia has exactly 2 different levels of emotion: serious with a side of awe, and stupid dry humor expressions. The movie, aside from being a rip off, is nothing more than a gory teen movie. Within the first hour of the movie, you know the plot. You know that Turner is the killer and will get his in the end. There is never any guess. But that's not the soul problem, instead of creating more conflict between the community, Ashley, Ronnie, the mother, or anybody else...the movie just glazes over issues. Why wouldn't Ashley be more suspicious after the crazy hops in her car? Why wouldn't the cops even look for Ronnie, regardless of whether he broke in or not, they would look. Oh...and c'mon...Ronnie caught the smell of 1 dead deer in the garage as soon as he opened it. When the cops walked in the front, they would smell the multiple bodies decaying in the walls.
Like I mentioned, Rear Window isn't about scaring you, it's about putting you in suspense. This movie never does this. If you don't believe it's a rip off...you're an idiot. The Sheldon Abend Revocable Trust (The owners of the original story) ended up suing DreamWorks for the theft of intellectual property. This movie is not only a rip off, but a poor attempt at capturing a classic. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take my self-righteous, novelty loving ass and going to check out more painfully awful movies. Yeah...I'm outta jokes....so....
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