Playing with my Wii: The Conduit

So I was in the process of working on 2 OTMR blogs, then I remembered the new Transformers flick was coming out. So now that one just got pushed up on the to do list. But I have to take a break from awfulness. I must par take in something competent. Not to take any kind of thunder from J.J., but I am a Nintendo Head. Please excuse my prolonged absence, now, let's talk video games.

I have a new addiction: playing The Conduit. The other day, I dropped by Game Stop (2nd time this year, I'm already over my 1 per year limit) and was planning on picking up Resident Evil 4 - Wii version. Well, conveniently enough, they had the Conduit still in stock. How could I resist? I picked it up...and haven't put it down in a week. Yeah...I'd say it's pretty damn good.

I'm not going to give you some in depth review, because that would be boring. I'm going to just go over some highlights of the game that I think make it a must have; or at least, a must play. Now I must say, that it doesn't, by any stretch of the imagination, re-invent the FPS genre. But that's ok, because it doesn't have to. What is on most people's minds are the controls: Can the Wii handle a FPS game's controls? What a stupid god damned question. Hello...have you played Metroid Prime 3? Medal of Honor Heroes 2? Of course the Wii can handle a FPS....and it does it like no other system can. The controls are fluent, responsive, and most importantly, fun to use. There isn't anything much better than realizing you just put a cap into the forehead of an alien because YOU aimed it there. I love it. Even using a melee attack, by thrusting the Wii-mote foward, is amusing.

The graphics are..well, Wii graphics. But hell, why are you buying a Wii game for the graphics? Since when has Nintendo cared about what their games look like? The NES, SNES, and N64 were all graphcially inferior to their competitors...they are still the best consoles of their time. Fuck you...graphics whore.

Campaign mode is nothing special. There is a weird focus on something called the A.S.E. (All Seeing Eye). It is some sort of relic that can do "unique things." The game utilizes it by hinting to you to use it to find secrets and locate nodes to pass through some doors. It really just serves as a worthless puzzle to solve...but there isn't really any significant focus on it other than, the villian wants it because...it's relevant? I don't know...the story is pretty base. But, hell, who cares? I didn't buy it for the story.

The big catch: Multiplayer. One thing the Wii has struggled to do is put on really good multiplayer titles. Disappointingly, you cannot play with another person locally. Note to game designers: Stop being douche bags. I do have real life friends and would like them to play the game with me IN THE SAME ROOM. I hate when games do that...stop doing that, now. Remember when you would stay up late playing video games? Yeah...bring it back. Having said that, the multiplayer is fun. I can't stop playing it. There are a few different game modes, the basic "Kill everything" mode, Team "Kill everything else" mode, and then Team Objective-which is just capture the flag. But, that is my favorite mode because of the custimization. Ranging from a 20 minute, two flag marathon mode, to the single flag mode which requires a lot of fighting off the opposing team to take control of the middle of the stage and run the flag back to your side. I won't go into great lengths about it, now. But I plan on gloating about it later...stay tuned.


Anyway...if you have a Wii, or know someone that does, get this game. Play it...you will have a blast, I assure you. Go get it...like, right now. It has taken every fiber of my being to pry myself away from that tantalizing machine to write this blog. Did you get it yet?

Next posting is OTMR. You're welcome for this.

Old Time Movie Rants 7: Xmen 3: The Last Stand

My first dive into this blogging habit was X-Men Origins. But, let's face it, that wasn't the first X-men movie to bend over and take it. X-Men 3: The Last Stand is really the first one in the series to suck. I didn't like the first X-Men movie, but I did think X2 was greatly improved. So naturally, I had high hopes for the conclusion in the trilogy. There goes Hollywood...jizzing on my face, once again. Brett Ratner took the job away from Bryan Singer, who did the first 2 flicks. Why? I guess they weren't big enough hits. Well...they were certainly better than this crap. Think of X3 as Marvel's answer to the Return of the Sith. I have come full circle to layeth the smack down on this movie's candy ass. Let's get right in to it...


The flick opens up with Professor Xavier and Magneto visiting a young Jeane Grey, inviting her to join his school. She shows off her power by lifting every car in the neighborhood, and Stan Lee's water from his garden hose. Huh...3 minutes in and we already have our mandatory Stan Lee cameo. Xaiver offers his typical mantra, and that segways to a young Warren Worthington (Mutant name: Angel) who is in the bathroom trying to cut off the wings beginning to protrude from his back. His father barges into the bathroom (Dad, that's a big no-no. He could have had a stolen Playboy...that woulda been awkward) and sees what is going on then proclaims, "Oh no...not you too." Thanks, dad. Way to support me. Douche. Someone is gonna have some daddy issues...now, roll the opening credits!



Ya...daddy issues? Boo-Frickety-Hoo!


Now, in the "Not too distant future" (where they still employ Halle Barry in movies, apparently) our cast of heroes are running from something big. A big robot, perhaps. Storm notices that they aren't fairing too well against this monstrosity, so mandatory bad ass, Wolverine, has Colossus toss him at the head of the beast. Logan cuts off its head, and it turns out to be a Centinal. What? The movie thought it was better to NOT show the ultimate mutant killing machine, as explained in great detail throughout all the comics and cartoons? This movie is already facing a 0-1 start.

Storm is displeased with Logan's gung-ho attitude towards the training program...God only knows why. He's only been like that for 2 movies, Storm. That sends Logan away, and he finds Scott. Scott has just experienced a mental breakdown due to the loss of Jean. Poor Scott...oh well, at least the movie won't kill a main character like that off early after a blind attempt to get his love back. That would be stupid.

We cut to Washington, where Beast (The Secretary of Mutant Rights...or something) who is being briefed on the apprehension of Mystique. Nice bargaining chip, make sure you guys don't screw it up. Oh...and there has been a mutant cure developed by Warren Worthington (Angel's father). After a really stupid negotiating scene, uh...nothing happens, actually. I guess we've established that the X-men suck at training, Scott is upset, and Mystique is captured. Does the director understand that he has to solidify a plot point before creating a new one? I mean...leaving me hanging 'till later is fine, but damn movie, let's stick with something and expand on it.

Back at the school (ugh...I'm getting that Resident Evil cut-shot vibe going), Storm is upset again, this time because of the cure. She thinks that any mutant who would want to get this cure is nothing but a coward. A low down, dirty, coward. So in walks Rogue, a character, in this movie, that is better suited to Twilight rather than X-men.

Side rant...about Rogue. In all the movies, she has been nothing but a whiny little brat that has had zero, ZERO, character development. She is a one dimensional, annoying, selfish, and worthless character who doesn't even resemble the character from the cartoon. Rogue is supposed to be a stacked, southern female who can absorb other's life power, but also shoot fireworks out of her hands and fly. Where is all that? Huh? I guess because Rogue in the movie also has that white strip of hair, resembling that of the cartoon character, makes her the same. Fuck it...


These directors are dumber than a prairie dog crossing the highway, don't ya think, sugar?

Sorry, I forgot this movie is trying to establish a sustainable plot, we cut to a mutant rally where they are discussing the cure. The speaker suggests that they form a group to speak with the government in order to stop this madness. Magneto, however, finds that route a bit too bland. He proposes putting together a sort of brotherhood in order to fight back against the humans trying to exterminate the mutant race. Huzzah! He also recruits a mutant who can help him find Mystique. That's...very convenient. I sense another cut shot coming...

Yeah...called it. After a brief stint of Beast meeting Leech (the boy who is the source of the cure), we are taken to Scott fresh off his mental breakdown. He is riding his bike back to the lake where Jean gave her life in the previous movie. Continuous whispers of Jean's voice say "Scott" and it drives him crazy. A huge whirlpool is created in the water and a force knocks him back. Emerging from the water is...Jean! Yeah, no shit. Typical film move, bring back a dead character 'cause they don't have the balls to keep him/her dead. Scott asks her how she is still alive. Her response? "I don't know." Ha...20 bucks says the producers don't know either. Lazy ass writers. They share a kiss...and then Jean kills off the leader of the X-men. Fuck me this is stupid. They just killed off one of the main characters...the leader of the team. Yet Jean gets to come back due to the writers not able to come up with better plot elements. Anger...rising...


Fat Cat does an impersonation of the X3 writers.

Wolverine and Storm are sent to the lake after the Professor has an epiphany. The two find Scott's shades..floating in mid air, and they also find Jean, who is unconscious. They take her back to the Professor, and he explains that she survived because her powers, "Created a telekinetic cocoon that protected her." My ass...that's the best they can come up with? Xavier also explains that Jean Grey is practically a walking God and he put a mental block on her powers so she wouldn't blow up the Earth. Xavier should put a mental block on me, 'cause when I get angry at stupid movies I tend to destroy the world. Wolverine has a back and forth with X about the morals of him hindering Jean's powers...idiot. Logan, she can kill you all with a thought...Xavier did the right thing. Stick to being a killing machine and not doing any thinking. By the way...this is Jean's alter-ego, "The Phoenix."



The Phoenix and Zombie Jean Grey
They are NOT the same...idiots.

The plot comes crashing into the scene, and leads us back to the line that mutants are making at the building to get the vaccine containing the cure. On the other side of the street, however, are protesters, not very happy about this whole vaccine thing. I don't blame 'em. Inside the building, Angel is going to be the first mutant to receive the cure because he is a complete disgrace to his father. I don't blame his dad...if my son is a mutant, he'd better shoot death rays or stop time....ANYTHING besides growing angel wings. Just before he is about to receive the cure, he decides against it and breaks these chains of restraint...thus shattering the hold his father has on his life. Damn...that would be interesting if we had had these two in the movie for more than 2 minutes, so far. This movie not only has too many plot lines, it focuses on the wrong ones.


Daddy issues? You can't hold me down dad...I AM A MAN!

Magneto finally meets up with the convoy that is holding Mystique (among other mutants) and takes it over. Oooo...I hope we get to meet more characters that the audience can't get emotionally attached too. Following about 5 unnecessary corny lines, our new members of the Brotherhood are: James Mavericks (Multiple Man) - he agrees to join the club after zero persuasion...nice, Jane Marco (The Juggernaut). And, yes, I do plan on making a "I'm the Juggernaut" joke later. The crew is very confident with their new additions, that is, until a security guard puts a dart into Mystique and un-mutates her. Yeah...they just eliminated another main mutant. There aren't enough facepalm pictures to use here so to express my complete displeasure. Movie, you can't just continue to eliminate main characters from the movie as you wish. At this rate, Professor X is going to get the hook. Please don't do it...regardless, Magneto drops Mystique like a crazy girlfriend. Harsh.

We have a brief scene with Beast that accomplishes nothing before catching up with Jean and Wolverine. I must have switched on to Skinemax, because Jean mounts Logan like she's in a cheap porno. The foreplay scene doesn't last, however, because Logan remembers he has E.D. Right...the animal-like mutant curbed his primal instinct to ram her on the table because of logic. Jean, upset that she is left cold, storms out and...another worthless scene down the drain. This movie is really achieving a lot. Professor X is pissed at Logan for bringing an end to the world by releasing the most powerful mutant inside Jean Grey. So Xavier heads to..uhh...her house? Ok...and is met their by Magneto, who is there to recruit Jean (Now to be referred to as Phoenix) to the Brotherhood. He's goal orientated.

After a few bumps coming from the house, Logan decides he's going in. Ok...that garners a worthless fight scene between him and Storm, versus the Shmucks from the Brotherhood, naturally, right? Juggernaut tosses Logan around, doesn't Logan know who he's fighting? While the 5 brawl over...purpose not given, Phoenix begins levitating the house, and Xavier. Movie, what are you thinking? Yeah...you guessed it: The movie kills off ANOTHER main character. Christ's sake, who the hell is going to be left for the final act? This is worse than when the Transformers (1986) animated movie killed off all its characters to issue a new line of toys. Have any of these character's dismissals even led to a realization or important development? Can..erm...could Professor Xavier walk? Exactly.


2 tasteless jokes in these many minutes...still, it is more respectful than what the movie did to him.

Movie has a mandatory funeral scene in which I'm supposed to care. Movie, you just killed off the catalyst for the entire X-men series. I'm not sad he's dead, I'm upset the writers are still breathing. Since teenage sorrow and romance is the reason I dig this movie, Iceman takes Kitty (Who is NOT 19...she looks 12), I swear to God, ice skating. Nice move, dope. Like your girlfriend ISN'T watching you flirt with this under aged chick. This is almost as mind boggling as that scene in Spider man 3 when Peter kissed that girl when he KNEW M.J. was watching. Did these 2 directors go to the same party school? Idiots. Of course, this whole thing angers Rogue, so she decides this is the last straw. The straw that broke the camels back. The straw that...sucks like this movie. Hey, bad blogging for bad dialogue, people. Rogue is going to go get the cure. What's are character casualty list at? I lost count after Cyclops.

Note: We are half way through the movie; the 57 minute mark. What have we accomplished? Help your neighbor, the answer is: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! God this movie sucks.


Get it?

After some more 7th Heaven-esque teenage drivel, we catch up with our pal Magneto in the woods with a whole army of non-complacent mutants. I'd explain all the nothing-ness that goes on in this scene, but I don't care. Another part that just dies off with no purpose...like all the characters in this God forsaken thing. It's an analogy for itself. Sorry...I got caught up in the hate, back to whatever plot line we are in. Right, Magneto issues a threat, Pyro blows up the building where the cure is in a terrorist act, and the army is getting strapped for a battle. There, you're caught up. Time for more delusional actions from Logan...he wouldn't bang Jean, but he'll try and save the Phoenix. Ass. Wolverine storms Magneto's tree huggers group in a forest and, whoa, and honest to goodness action sequence? Yeah...it's short lived, but at least we finally have one. Though, it only lasts until Wolverine walks in on Magneto holding his Klan meeting with the Brotherhood, hyping up his army for some cross burnings..or human killings, whichever. But then, oops, Wolverine once again is caught by Magneto and they have a conversation that is SO close to having God's honest character development it's scaring. Wolverine calls out Magneto for not comprehending the Phoenix's powers and for not helping his friend Xavier. You know, he's got a point. Magneto befriended Xavier, even though they stood for different things; he never wanted the Professor dead. So he could convince her to join his clan, but not hesitate to kill off Xavier? I'm calling shenanigans...oops, sorry, times up. Scene over...we need more shots of Zombie Jean Grey standing around trying to make dramatic faces. ACTING AT IT'S FINEST!

The army has put together a task force to ambush Magneto, but to their dismay, the entire group they located happens to only be Multiple Man. I can't believe the movie actually found a purpose for him...I guess this will be the last we see of him. Hold the phone, though, where's Magneto really at? I'll tell you after the X-men suit up and have poorly written inspirational dialogue. Gotta love that the best force they can put together is Wolverine, Storm, Beast, Iceman, Colossus, and..ugh...Kitty. Truly these are the greatest heroes available! Right, Magneto's location...he's on the Golden Gate Bridge. What's he doing? Oh...just levitating it over to Alcatraz Island...that's all. Yeah, actually it is a really cool effect. Funny that Phoenix didn't just levitate them all over to the island...but that's not my beef with this scene. My problem is the fact that it commits what, might be, one of the worst oversights ever. Notice how when Magneto first lifts the bridge it's clearly daylight, and when he travels the short few thousand feet to the island, it's completely dark. Did anybody pay attention to this movie when it was being edited? THINK!

More lack of thinking sure to come with the climatic battle underway, I bet. Magneto sends his worthless associates first, which is smart, especially since he finds out the hard way that the humans switched to plastic guns. You know, there is a reason that guns are metal; a plastic gun wouldn't be able to fire that many times, or at a high velocity, because it would fracture due to the stress created from the combustion's pressure or the thermal reaction. Besides, Magneto's power is quite...well...powerful. The army is shooting out syringes containing the cure. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't the syringes being used have to have metal tips? Yeah...so why can't he control the direction of the needles? No...the movie would rather have Arclight (A transvestite mutant) target the weapons with her/his shock wave. Right...the random blast of distorted air should be accurate. By the power of plot convenience, it works.

In case you're wondering, yes, the Phoenix is STILL just standing there.

The X-men finally land and begin fighting off the seemingly endless horde of mutants. Ugh...even the action sequences in this flick blow. I couldn't be more disinterested...and where did the army go? Did they only bring one set of weapons, and are now rendered worthless? Maybe mutants should just take over. While the battle brews, Juggernaut is sent to capture Leech, and kill the boy. But not if Kitty has a say in it! Yeah...Kitty vs. Juggernaut, who ya got? Doesn't Kitty know who he is...?



Yeah...he does use that line which, admiringly, is pretty funny. After chasing Kitty through the building, they finally reach Leech. How does Kitty defeat the almighty Juggernaut? By making him run at them, then moving out of the way, but still being close enough for Leech to suck his powers, making Juggernaut headbutt the wall and knock himself out. Lame. That's ok, though, because Magneto is busy tossing cars at the army. I don't know, I guess this is the final phase of the plan. What isn't part of his plan, probably, is his best fighting mutants getting easily disposed of, then him getting tricked by Wolverine and Beast. After a diversion created by Logan, Beast stabs Magneto with syringes containing the cure...turning him human. Oh the irony. He plays more mind games with Phoenix, however, tricking her into attacking the entire island. Is she the most naive person ever? For being the closest thing to God on Earth...she ain't not dat bright. Ya heard?

The directors haven't actually included Phoenix in the movie for awhile, so they decided to put her into the most over the top, uncessary, albeit cool, special effects display ever. Phoenix begins to completely destroy the island and all the people in it. While most evacuate in time, Wolverine stays because he is the only one who can stop her. How is that? Well...because the way she kills people is by ripping them into dust, he can heal before that happens, which he does. After having an emotional scene...he puts some anamantium in her chest via his claws. Sweet...the world is safe for democracy. One complaint, though: Why didn't Wolverine just inject her with the cure? Hello...McFly! Anybody home? Being a human is better than being dead! Movie...for the love of filmaking...THINK!


I know the feeling, buddy.

The final act closes with what the movie thinks is resolution, but it isn't. In fact, we have resolved nothing. I'm dead fucking serious, the biggest plot hole OF ALL TIME happens at the end. Remember how the entire movie, Magneto is a wanted terrorist? Yeah, well the final scene consists of him playing chess, by himself, in the park and somehow making one of the pieces move slightly. Again, movie, THINK! He should be, you know, in fucking jail! How did anyone over look this? This is not only an awful way to hint to a sequal, but one of the worst continuity errors I've ever seen. I'm sorry...this just begs me to do it...


This movie is teh pain!

X3 is an awful, poorly scripted, awfuly written, shitties pieces of movies I've ever had the displeasure of paying to see. This damn movie can't even get it's plot straight, because it tries to create far too many plot lines. It's unbelieveable how bad this movie was directed; it reminds me of Resident Evil 3 the way that it jumps back and forth with it's plot lines. Not to mention the writing...oh the writing. The dialogue actually isn't talking, it's more like a string of cliche lines just put together. It's really just brain numbing to even listen to. The acting isn't any better, but the actors aren't that bad; I blame the stupid script and base directing. It kills off major characters, only to lead to NOTHING - no character evolutions, no important devleopments, NOTHING. I've seen cop buddy movies with better character development than this movie. Fuck me this is bad...and you know what? It's finally over...if, in fact, they make more of these X-men movies, I'll be there. I'll be waiting to destroy your flick. You will stand no chance. May God have mercy on you, your cast, your plot, your script, and your soul...because I'm coming for you. For now, roll the credits...

Shortened Show Blog...Jay-z's "D.O.A."

Check out Jay-Z's DOA- Death of Autotune.




Not bad at all. Lately, hip hop has been in the shitter. I love all kinds of music, but recently there hasn't been a good rap CD since Lupe's "The Cool." With artists like Lil' Wayne, T-Pain, and every other awful excuse for a musician making tracks that sound like I could do better, I'm glad that someone has finally made a note to say, "Fuck using Autotune."

Just something I felt like posting...'cuz fuck it, that's why. Good tune...can't wait for his Blueprint 3 CD to come out. Maybe I can start enjoying hip hop again, without putting in old CDs. Happy Father's Day...next OTMR coming soon.

Old Time Movie Rants 6: Disturbia

In 1954, one of the greatest suspense/horror film directors of all time, Alfred Hitchcock, directed a Rear Window. A movie based off of the short story written by Cornell Woolrich. The movie told a story about a photographer who was temporarily wheel chair-ridden and decided to look upon his next door neighbors while he healed. The man eventually found out that one of his neighbors had killed his wife. After a few exciting elements, the climax was a confrontation between the murderer, and the photographer, in which the wheel chair-ridden man came out victorious; leading to the killer's arrest. It is still considered one of the greatest mystery/suspense films to the day.

Now, many other pop culture outlets have taken Hitchcock's classic and adapted it to their own shows. There was a 1998 remake of Rear Window, where Christopher Reeve played a paralyzed man (good casting), instead of a man with broken legs. Not to mention a Simpsons' episode. Obviously, other directors love to pay homage to classic movies that have built the foundation of what we enjoy today, however, there is a difference between giving credit through imitating and just completely ripping off. Enter: Disturbia.

Disturbia stars one of my all-time Shit Listers, Shia LaDouche. You know, the guy in such classics like, I, Robot, Eagle Eye, and Transformers. Honestly, not only do I think he's a terrible actor...he always comes off like such a douche. Hence the name, I guess. Anyway, Disturbia does not pay homage to Rear Window as other outlets, but completely rips it off. How does this movie bend over a nostalgic favorite? Let's take a look...

The flick opens up with Kale (Shia) fishing with his father in a body of water. He almost catches one but, ohhh...so close. This is nice. No really, the movie has done a good job in the first few minutes establishing an emotional attachment between father and son with the audience. After completing the manly excursion, dad and Kale are talking to mom on the drive home when an SUV passes by their car. What a dick head. Kale follows behind him (much too close, it appears) when the SUV suddenly swerves and Kale tries to avoid a incapacitated car, but fails, and the car flips over. The two seem to have escaped with no injuries, until a red truck blasts through their car. The father is killed. Wow...way to create an opening sequence, movie. Still, I have a beef with this film. Why didn't the father insist Kale, clearly a young driver, to stop riding the SUV's bumper? Why did the SUV wait until the LAST possible second to swerve, was he not paying attention, either? Finally, the red truck, too, doesn't even seem to slow down. It's a small 2-lane road...were they driving with their eyes closed? Just sayin'...

Movie transitions to a year later, where Kale is sleeping in his Spanish class. His teacher, whom happens to be the biggest Hispanic prick you can find, asks Kale if he did his homework. After not getting the answer he wanted he asks, "What would your father think?" Bad move. Kale gives him a right hook Manny Pacquio would be proud of. Unfortunately for him, that lands him 3 months house arrest; there goes his Summer vaca. Still...the teacher deserved it. That teacher is an ass hole.


Get it?


So the house arrest thing doesn't seem like that bad of a gig for a teenager and it starts off well. He is pwning n00bs on XBox Live quite effectively that is, until it gets canceled. Oh God...no more XBox?! You're cruel, mom! Not only does she ex-nay the XBox, she cancels his Itunes account, so now Shia can't download the Jonas Brothers' new smash hit, "Fuck you, Shia." He tries to pass time by watching soft core porn, scratching at his ankle bracelet, and doing housework in the most half-ass of ways. Mom even cut the cord to his TV! She is foul demoness. Actually, what gets me is Kale's reaction. He should be in jail right now, yet he feels like his mom owes him something. Kale, get into character: You're a felon...act like it and get to work. After a bored segment, he notices people moving in next door and catches a glimpse of a young attractive female. He made the same face when he first saw Megan Fox's character in Transformers...it's his acting face. The ring of the doorbell breaks his concentration and he finds a bag on fire. Kale, don't step on it...you know it's dog shi...ugh...he stepped on it. In an enraged stupor, he chases after the kids, but realizes he is outside of the safe-zone radius and scurries back to his front yard. He thinks he has made it safely, but darn those anti-climaxes, the cops pull up. Let me tell you something, these must be the finest officers around; that wasn't even a full minute between the bracelet going off and the cops showing up. As it turns out, the cop that is watching over Kale happens to be his Spanish teacher's cousin. Oops...naturally, the cop humiliates Kale in front of the entire neighborhood by cuffing him. Tough guy.

Not wanting to see Officer Gutierez, again, Kale puts a border that marks out where he cannot cross. And now, ladies and gents, let the voyeurism begin. Kale begins to observe all his neighbors...except the new chick (Ashley), who he just watches her get dressed, do yoga, and swim. You know...I'm getting a "Teen movie" alert. The movie started off with great character connections, but between these hormonal and boredom driven sequences and his goofy friend (Ronnie), I'm losing interest. Speaking of losing interest, where's the plot? The progression of any story has been absent for about 20 minutes. Movie...advance story line if you aren't going to make the characters more interesting.

Hearing my pleas, the movie injects the element of a local kidnapping that has been connected to a previous string of homicides. An A.P.B. was put out for a blue Mustang with a dent on the front bumper. Ironically enough, Kale's neighbor, Robert Turner, happens to have a whip that matches that description. End plot element...we need more shots of Ashley in her bikini. Ashley takes a dip, but then catches Kale and Ronnie spying on her.


James Bond he ain't...


So she reacts like every other teenage girl after finding out she's getting spied...she heads on over to hang out with the two creepy guys. Not only that, but she has no problem going along with Kale's theory of Turner being behind the kidnapping. She even suggests a steak out. The bad acting is not helping this story any, guys...this isn't Cinemax; T&A can't save this movie. Much...

The Tremendous Trio (As opposed to Dynamic Duo...get it? Ugh...sorry) gather their spy gear, while Ashley reads some articles about how the killer mangled his victim's bodies and stuffed them in his walls. Ugh...could you imagine the smell? How grotesque is this sociopath? Well...Scooby Doo Crew decide not to worry about those silly details and instead order a pizza. Maybe calling this movie a Rear Window rip off was too presumptuous of me. It's not nearly as interesting.

After pizza, Turner is seen bringing home a chick. After a few of those "It looks like he's gonna kill her, but doesn't now let's all laugh" moments, Ashley heads out. Kale goes back to his voyeurism because, let's face it, that's all he can do. He sees the brat kids from earlier watching porn. Thanks for foreshadowing the revenge, movie...we get it. Then, something exciting happens; the chick at Turner's is seen freaking out and getting chased around the house by Turner. Kale records it and expects the worst, but then notices the woman's car leaving a few seconds later. She wasn't running for her life, Kale, she just realized that the guy she is about to blow is old enough to be her grandfather. Seriously, the dude looks like Hanible Lector's brother. What's even worse, come the next morning, is that Kale's mother's car got a flat and Turner helped her out. He appears in their kitchen acting pompous. Douche...I know you're the killer, Turner, the movie isn't capable of complex character and plot developments. Your presumptuousness can't fool me.

Creep, right? Well the movie thinks we need more building of the love interest. Guys, a great aspect of Rear Window was that the character already had his love interest. The point wasn't developing HIS character...it was supposed to show how people react. The true inner workings of the human interactions. Disturbia is failing in that aspect, and it's no more evident because now we focus back on Kale and Ashley's newly found love interest. Ashley is having a party, Kale can't go so he gets jealous and blasts his music over to her's in order to screw it up. Dude, lighten up. You wanna party? Next time don't give your Spanish teacher el righto hooko. Actually, this scene is funny if only because it is so mischievous and quirky. But, it really doesn't fit with the fact that, just a few minutes ago, you were trying to convince me the neighbor is a psychopath. See where I'm goin' with this? The movie takes 1 step forward and 2 steps back. It's getting on my last nerves...





Chris Brown beat talent into one Distubria...think he can go 2 for 2? What...too soon?



Anyway, Ashley comes over to confront why Kale is being such a douche. Faced with the question from Ashley of, "What does he look at when he spies on the neighborhood." Wait...I can answer that one.





Actually, Kale has a realization. A proverbial coming of age where he explains that Ashley isn't vein, no, she has special qualities that transcend most. The movie finally discovers what it really should be the root of this movie, the true scope of the human interactions. Then they kiss and he gets to second base. I feel like I dove into the shallow end of the pool: it seemed fun at first, but ended in pain. But before Kale can drop the panties, Ashley hears a commotion coming from Turner's. She notices blood spatter on the windows and him dragging a heavy bag into the garage. Holy shit, movie...way to break up the scrumping. It really is so jarring...to, at one moment see them making out, and then a sudden cut to blood getting spewed across a window to a screeching orchestra. Weird.

Because they now believe he is truly a killer, the 3 device a plan to get into his car and acquire his garage door opener in order to gain access to Turner's house. What's the plan? Ashley follows Turner to the hardware store to follow him, Kale plays commander and relays Ashley's info to Ronnie who is, I swear to God, picking Turner's lock in the middle of the daylight. Good call...I'm sure the close knit community won't notice. Tragically, Ashley loses Turner in the store after she bumps into a girl she knows...I think. The back-and-forth is weird:
Ashley: *Bumps into girl, drops phone*
Woman: "Oh...hi, Ashley!"
Ashley: "Oh hi....Skinny-Minny."
Woman: "Where did you hear that name?"
And scene...

Yeah, I don't get it either. Anyway, Ashley gets into her car and tries to find Turner and...oh...she does. He stands right in front of her car, climbs in, and "kindly" asks her and her friends to stop following him. Ashley...tell him to GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOU CAR. Guys...I'm trying not to use anymore "face palm" picks, but these movies make it so hard to resist. Following that ordeal, Ashley thinks they should call off the spying, but she isn't under house arrest. Kale has none of that and, luckily, has a reason to break into Turner's crib. Oh...but before I tell you that, here's a question for you, movie: Ashley was the one who saw the blood on the window, why is she the one to give up? Isn't the proof up until this point convincingly pointing toward the conclusion that Turner is, in fact, a homicidal maniac? Think about it, hero.

Back to the rant...Ronnie, being the oblivious Asian he is, dropped his phone in Turner's car so now he needs to go get it. Kale hooks him up with a camera and the hacked garage door opener and sends Ronnie in. Kale, you're a coward. Stop sending your lone friend into...actually, Ronnie is annoying, I hope he gets butchered. He gets his phone, and then locates bloody rags. Nasty. Then the garage door closes and, instead of re-opening it and running, he runs in the house. Most...illogical. Kale fears for his friend so he darts out and over to Turner's. Why doesn't he just call the cops? If he leaves...nevermind...idiot. He bangs at the door, bat in hand, and then the cops show up. Duh. The cops cuff him and are ready to take him, but Kale tells them that Ronnie is still inside and Turner has a dead body in the house. Well, the body turns out to be a deer. He cut up a deer and kept it in his garage? What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Clearly he is crazy. Ok...that's one question answered, but where's Ronnie? Yeah...the cops really don't look into that one too much. Ronnie ends up escaping somehow and heads back over to Kale's.

An entire night of false assumptions leads to Kale's mom worrying that Turner might press charges, so she heads over to explain and apologize. Ronnie hooks up his camera to the computer so he can show how cool his escape from Turner's was. While watching his mother converse with Turner, Kale notices something on the video: the face of a decaying body. Oh shit...I KNEW IT! Turner is a psycho...Turner is a killer...Turner is...in the house. Yeah, after taking a pipe to Ronnie's face, he goes after Kale. They have a scuffle which ends up in Kale getting duct tapped. But don't worry, Ashley shows up and helps out. They run out of the house, triggering the bracelet to go off. Gutierrez is called to the scene, but like the excellent law enforcer he is, has to finish his burger before responding. Very responsible of him.


Disturbia's crack law enforcer: Police Chief Wiggum!

Kale searches the house, all at once revealing what we already know. Officer Wiggum is not far behind, too bad Turner jumps out of a corner and snaps his neck. Is Turner an ex-military guy? Movie...you have established that he can take a guy much younger than him and has black-ops skills, but you never told us how. Thanks for that. Never the less, Kale makes his way down to the most creepiest of dungeons this side of Silence of the Lambs. Kale locates his mother and frees her from the restraints, but she falls backwards into the arms of Turner. That sly bastard...I guess he wanted 5 different ways to get into this dive, huh? Regardless, him and Kale duke it out, with dale shoving a pair of giant garden sheers into his chest. Take that, bitch!

Hurray! Kale saved his mom, Ronnie is safe, the killer is dead and his victims avenged. Oh...of course the most important thing, Kale gets the chick. How could we have a movie with LaDouce end WITHOUT him getting a girl? Ugh...


This is far from the worst movie I've seen. Hell, it's not even Shia's worst. But the fact that it completely bit off one of my favorite director's work is what puts this shitter over the top. Don't get me wrong, this movie blows. Shia has exactly 2 different levels of emotion: serious with a side of awe, and stupid dry humor expressions. The movie, aside from being a rip off, is nothing more than a gory teen movie. Within the first hour of the movie, you know the plot. You know that Turner is the killer and will get his in the end. There is never any guess. But that's not the soul problem, instead of creating more conflict between the community, Ashley, Ronnie, the mother, or anybody else...the movie just glazes over issues. Why wouldn't Ashley be more suspicious after the crazy hops in her car? Why wouldn't the cops even look for Ronnie, regardless of whether he broke in or not, they would look. Oh...and c'mon...Ronnie caught the smell of 1 dead deer in the garage as soon as he opened it. When the cops walked in the front, they would smell the multiple bodies decaying in the walls.

Like I mentioned, Rear Window isn't about scaring you, it's about putting you in suspense. This movie never does this. If you don't believe it's a rip off...you're an idiot. The Sheldon Abend Revocable Trust (The owners of the original story) ended up suing DreamWorks for the theft of intellectual property. This movie is not only a rip off, but a poor attempt at capturing a classic. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take my self-righteous, novelty loving ass and going to check out more painfully awful movies. Yeah...I'm outta jokes....so....

Old Time Movie Rants 5: Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000

I feel dirty. Not the "Just played a game of football" dirty...the "I can't believe I just had sex with THAT" dirty. When I think of movies to destroy, I try to think of those that are bad, but have redeeming qualities. Battlefield Earth has none. Sci-Fi movies usually call for a suspension of belief; meaning that you have to just accept what the movie is telling you because it's supposed to be outlandish. In this case, there is no exception for the amount of mind-boggling scenarios. Put on your Scientology hats...let's get crazy, let's get nuts!


The movie starts off with 3 paragraphs of green computer text telling us that aliens from the planet Psychlo have enslaved humanity and have ruled the Earth for 1000 years. To bring home that point, we then meet a tribe of people who have hunkered themselves on the side of a mountain. This is where we meet Chrissy and begin the first storyline of the movie: A love interest. Ugh...so Chrissy is worried that her lover will not return by dusk and get captured by the demons that roam the land. Don't worry, though, the young intrepid returns on his white stallion. I guess he just rode from the mountain side, because he doesn't travel through the front gate. Nice blockade this village has, here. This hippie's name is Jonnie, and he does not quite believe in these demons. I guess the desolate environment, seclusion, and complete lack of any other group of people wasn't a big enough tip off for this guy; at least the movie picked a competent hero. Regardless, he goes out in search for...subject not given, and finds 2 other fearless humans. They all find themselves in a mall and feast upon some jerky, or something, and all is well. Until, uh oh...a demon has come from no where and begins stalking them. At the speed of a fucking slug, he manages to still capture them and they all are sent to a concentration camp.

Here, we get our first look at the Pschlos and...oh my God. I think the producers made sure they would make them look as ridiculous as possible. They look like Klingons that just strapped on more gear until it's unbearably bulky. Here, take a look for yourself:



How do you say, "Stupid fucking costumes" in Klingon?

Ok, so those are our antagonist, ladies and gents. Anyway, Lil' Jonnie makes a break for it and escapes his cage, grabs a gun, and pops a cap in a Psychlo with his own weapon. You'd think this would get the attention of someone...but he continues to run right past countless aliens. That is, until he runs in the Pyschol-John Travolta! So after all that running, Jonnie, you're still headin' to the slave line, pal.

After a scene of oppression, a Psychlo of importance, who's name is not given, comes to presumably give Travolta, or Terl, his transfer off of Earth. Please give it to him...make this movie end quicker. They have pointless dialogue about what a dog is and why it is superior to the human race, but is curiously unable to work like the "Man-Animals." These idiots are the ones that take over the Earth? Christ they're stupid. Anyway, Terl is denied his request for leaving Earth because, well, Psychols are real dick heads to each other. Our antagonist just got antagonized.

We now get a shot at Planet Psychlo...and they call our planet a dump. Anyway, Terl can't take denial well, so he decides to hit the booz (read: Mountain Dew in a fancy cup) and bitch about how good he is, and how much his associate, Ker, sucks. These are really some of the dumbest fucking names...EVER. And then...oh...I guess this scene is over.

Back at the Slave's Inn, Jonnie and some other shmuck get into a fight over who gets to eat the green, moldy, jello first. This is some riveting stuff, guys...I'm on the edge of my seat. What purpose does this scene have? None, of course...that's why we get a cut to see Terl and Ker argue over a location of gold that Ker tried to hide from Terl. Oh...I forgot to mention, the Psychlos' entire purpose for being on Earth is to mine for gold, because apparently, Psychlos love goooooollld. The look of it, the taste of it, the texture of it. They love it so much they would even smelt their dreadlocks in gold. Why gold? Why are you even asking...? Anyway, the large gold mine cannot be reached because there are large amounts of uranium in the location, and Psychlos cannot go anywhere near radiation. Oh my God...the acting is so bad it's just starting to get surreal. I guess Ker was going to betray Terl and claim all the gold for himself...I don't know...this entire scene, it feels like Travolta and Forest Whitaker (Ker) are reading their lines off of prompters just off screen. It hurts...SO BAD.



"I am vrom Psychlo, isn't dat veird?!"



So the scene ends and transitions, and like every other transition in this Hell Spawn movie, is the two vertical lines that sweep out and dissolve the screen. I feel like I'm watching a power point. What the fuck did they use to edit this? Windows Movie Maker? They must have blown the budget on props and costumes and didn't have enough for quality editors.



FX Editors of Battlefield Earth would like to extend their thanks to DeVry for such great training!

Anyway, Terl has devised a plan to the High-Poomba of the business to allow man-animals (that still sounds so damn stupid) to mine for golllddddd by warning this guy of an imminent uprising amongst the Psychlo workers. Terl warns that if the workers don't get paid, they will no longer work. Of course, the High-Poomba (I guess his name is "The Planetship") thinks that employeeing NEW workers, and paying them less, will be a better idea. Ker, wisely, corrects him by mentioning that it would still cost more money to do that. He is insulted with, "Did you not attend economics at The Academy?" Well, I did dumb shit...and if you can pay your workers less, do it! How would bringing in new workers be better? Let the humans do you work! Of coure, the Psychlos can't comprehend this, even though their entire culture is built on making money, and the Planetship denies Terl's option. If the acting and character design wasn't bad enough, these supposed galactic rulers can't even grip basic Macroeconomic fundamentals. Anger...rising...

Before we move on, I have to note this: the reason the Psychlos don't use the humans in anything but basic labor is because the human race is now dwindled down to cavemen like stupidity (which, I guess isn't that much different than now) and can't speak Psychlo. The Psychlos believe the humans are untrainable, unsophisticated, creatures that cannot handle machinery. A flaw from the producers: Humans can be seen operating machinery throughout the shots. Did they even try? Back to the rant...

*Corny Power Point Tranisition*

I guess the directors, so indulged in this invigorating plot, forgot that there was a human element to this story, and we need Jonnie to escape. The following is more evidence that the Psychols are complete idiots: a low flying ship hits a random tower and a piece falls over on a crowd of slaves. Luckily for us, Jonnie's ankle chain is broken and he takes off. Before he can make it too far, however, he gets shot and stunned. The guards wisely deduce that he is untrainable, and should be terminated. Like most villains, they have to be overly complicated about it...so let me explain another thing in this movie: every character in the movie has breathing apparatus on Earth. Why? I DON'T KNOW! It's never explained, it's just a given that they need these things to breath...and that's it. I don't know what's in the atmosphere, or if there is an atmosphere, but they can't breathe without it. Continuity out the shitter, here, folks. Anyway, the guards take Jonnie somewhere else and take off his masks, then proclaim, "He won't survive more than 4 minutes." Keep that in mind. Jonnie runs, gasping for air, trying to get some air from another human. The guards catch up with him, so Jonnie takes off again. And what does the movie do? Breaks the action sequence to give us more awful dialogue from Terl and Ker. Fucking stupid.

Sticking with what's on the screen, I guess...Terl records Ker explaining this brilliant plan. So now Terl has a fall guy and "Levage" over Ker. Leverage...ugh...he says that word a lot. I wonder how much leverage I could get if I take a Ryan Howard swing at Terl's head with a bat? Ker is a fucking idiot...and that's saying something when comparing him to the rest of the species.

Not to jar the audience, or anything, but now we're back running with Jonnie. Hey...aren't those 4 minutes up, yet? Regardless, he ducks through sewers, evading the stupidly slow Psychlo guards, but ends up at a dead end. When the two guards, somehow, corner him it looks like we get to go home early. See, guys? No need to go James Bond when killing a character....just shoot him! But, being a dumb movie, Jonnie is able to bounce their shots back at them and kill them....with a shard of glass. He wielded the thing like it's a fucking light sabre...actually, this is a scene so base that I think George Lucas would admire it.


"Fuck off, movie should. Mmm...asinine it is."


Terl and Ker were, apparently, taking a stroll through the sewers and liked the resourcefulness of Jonnie. Terl decides this could be a human to use for golllldddd drilling, but he needs "leverage" over it. You need leverage over the slave? Ugh...well, how does he plan to get leverage? By letting Jonnie, and a select few other humans, think they escape and then watching what the EAT. Once he knows what they like to eat, he will offer it to them and gain leverage on them. Anger...still...rising. Terl, clearly the human race is an evolved species. They communicate, they learn, we have thumbs! Do you realize how stupid your plan is? Fuck me this is AWFUL.

After 3 days of running, the 3 humans (Jonnie, and 2 other nameless bums) think they have gotten far and decide to eat. In a run down building, Jonnie captures a rat and eats it...raw. Jonnie, eating a disease infested rat would kill you unless you cooked it. Fuck-tard. Terl and Ker, watching the humans in secret, deduce that humans enjoy eating raw rat. Why? Because, "Clearly they could have gotten anything they wanted, and they chose rat." I'm calling shenanigans, movie, no way there is any sustainable food around in a building, that has been desolate for 1000 years, that the humans can eat. But raw rat? C'mon...

So the humans are re-captured, and Jonnie is taken to a machine that will send knowledge of the universe into his head. Maybe Terl should put his own head in that machine. So this is his big plan? Educate the slave? I'm sure nothing wrong will go with this, buddy...you dope.

Well, with his new found wisdom, Jonnie sits with his fellow slaves and explains to them mathematics. The group looks on like a classroom full of Elkton High Students, gazing mindlessly at the symbols drawn on the floor. Humans don't even know what a fucking triangle is...I'm going to remember that, I bet this movie will open up a segment for me to make a joke out of that. Anyway, Terl gets the Dumbass of the Year award for giving an imbecile the knowledge to upend the Psychlo rule. Moron.

With his new ability to understand Klingon..I mean...Psychlo, Jonnie locates the armory and the group of humans acquire some weapons and plan for a surprise attack. Of course, the movie doesn't like a flowing story line, so...

*Movie decides to stray away from main story line because it's time to re-inject the love story. And then for no reason, ends the scene...*

Back at the Love Shack, Terl believes that his plan is complete fail, so he is ready to kill Jonnie. But wait, Jonnie CAN speak Klingo and gets the jump on Terl and Ker. Unfortunately, the weapons are not loaded and the human's plan has, also, fallen flat on its face. Is everyone a moron in this movie? CHECK THE GUN...for Christ's sake. Angry that Jonnie tried to get...leverage...against him, Terl chokeslams Jonnie to the ground. God, he does this constantly through the movie. If he was a wrestler in the WWF, his finishing move would be the "Travolta Chokeslam."


Dramatization:
-"Christianity is the only way to save your soul!"
-"NO! Scientology is superior *Travolta Chokeslam*"


Terl takes Jonnie to the Denver Library to explain when the Psychlos attacked Earth, the humans could only fight them off for 9 minutes. There's so much wrong with that statement...it's pathetic - 20 bucks says that statement comes back to hurt this movies continuity. Jonnie looks through a book that says, "The Declaration of Independence" while this uprising orchestra play. He reads a book, and then Terl slams it shut. I don't understand this sequence...thank God it's over just as quickly as it started. I guess to further the suffocating of the human uprising, Terl takes the humans to an open field and shows off his marksmanship by shooting cows. Ok...then some natives come and have Terl at gun point, but doesn't shoot him because he has some awful plan worked out, Terl has captured Chrissy (Jonnie's bitch), but blows up some other poor sap's head instead. It's such a boring sequence that just could have been summed up with much better screen play. The producers must have been too busy jerking off...this is just getting painful. Well...more painful.

Jonnie is down because his buddy lost his head *rim shot*. But the entire room of slaves cheers him up because he will help the humans rise up and re-take what is theirs! Follow him, humanity, follow him to freedom! Yeah...you guessed it, another worthless scene.

The movie re-joins our favorite alien, Terl and Ker, after developing a new plan. After discovering that the Planetship has been keeping money from the workers, Terl has threatened to take protocol and kill him. Oh...but an offer he cannot refuse is made: Give the authority of Planetship to Terl. And of course any sap could figure this out because they have a fucking detailed discussion about it. Really, movie, you can actually tell aspects of a story without awful dialogue. The Planetship actually says, "These tenders are all blank and dated. You could put anything you wanted on them. You could run the entire planet. I would be nothing more then a pupet." Who the hell wrote this? Keep up, folks...Terl = Planetship.

With his new authority, he first prepares an order for mining equipment and the gathering of man-animals to work. Oh...how delightfully absurd. He also trains Jonnie how to fly one of their Chrystler space ship 300C model. And the scene is awful. Jonnie looks like me playing Mario Kart Wii...jerking the wheel around as if driving this lemon is the most challenging thing ever. If anything is that hard to drive, why would you make it like that? Psychlo engineers blow. After crashing once, and being threatened not to fail again, Jonnie passes the driving test. Terl follows up with, "It's amazing what a little leverage can do..." Stop saying "Leverage!" These writers should die a slow and painful death for the painful dialogue they have put me through!



A perfect analogy for the dialogue in Battlefield Earth. This movie is teh pain!


Terl drops off Jonnie at the mining site and orders him that the ship had better be half filled with golllllddd in 14 days 'else he will bring the death upon him. Why can't Terl stay, you ask? Well, because humans are resistent to radiation, while Psychlos are not. Oh wait...humans aren't resistent to radiation? Huh...


A picture = 1000 years worth of words.


They have devised a plan that has one half of the humans pretending to mine for golllldddd (so Terl will be fooled because he is watching them via camera), while the other half go to Fort Knox and steal the gold there. Actually....that isn't a bad plan. The first one so far in this movie and we're only 80 minutes in! However, the movie decides to fuck with your common sense and comes up with the worst...I mean the most illogical, irrational, over-the-top, plan EVER. Fuck every sci-fi movie's plan before this. Battlefield Earth takes the cake:

The humans will blow up the Dome (where the main city is...another thing the movie has not made clear up until this point). Problem is, once the Dome is blown up, thousands more Psychlos will beam down from their planet and destroy the uprising. How do they prevent that? I hope you're sitting down...by acquiring and re-wiring a nuclear weapon, then beaming it up to Psychlo where the radiation exposure will wipe out the entire race.

Wait...I'm not done. Not only will they be able to actually know how to work a nuclear bomb, but does the movie realize that a nuclear weapon's element's carbon life cycle will not last 1000 years? Oh...but there's more, they have located a storage bunker with perfectly good fighter jets AND a training program. Since they have the training program, I'm sure the idiots who didn't even know what a fucking triangle was a few days ago will have no problem using them. Movie, you've already established this is 1000 years in the future...NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE! They were basically cavemen a week ago, now they're military experts? No amount of crazy pills can supress my disbelief. Excuse me...I'm going to go blow up the Earth.




So while the humans get their plan together, we are treated to the continuation of the citcom known as "Terl and Ker." This time Ker has acquired footage of Terl making the illegal demands for man-animals to work and has pushed for getting 80% of the gold income. But Terl is having none of that, and shoots off Ker's hand. *Laugh track*. I think this movie is making a record for pointless scenes. Movie, if you aren't going to further devleop a character, or the plot, there is no point. Ugh...we got it, Terl is superior to Ker. Enough.

Back to the main story line, we see Jonnie is putting his plan into action. How? By opening fire on the first few Psychlo guards he sees. He's going with the element of surprise, I see. Even one of his fellow humans warns him that his, "Shooting has alerted the guards." Jonnie-boy, u-r stoopid. Needing to escape, Jonnie triggers slo-mo bullet evasion power and scrambles past the flying fire. You know, everytime a shot misses, the debris looks like fiberglass exploding. Psychlo structures blow. Carlo, a human who's name we finally know, has set up the explosives on top of the dome and alerts Jonnie that he is ready. As Carlo is cornered by the Psychlo's flight attack, the rest of the humans show up in the fighter jets. They fly like fucking professionals. How the hell can these cavemen do this? Ain't this a load of bullshit? Yeah...but let's get on with it, we're almost through.

Jonnie prepares the warp for some other nameless bum to transport the nuke to Psychlo. Gotta love how he handles this extremeley dangerous weapon like it's a toy. Dolt. Carlo is ordered to detonate the bombs, but just before the teleportation sequence can be completed...TRAVOLTA CHOKESLAM! It's canceled, but the explosives still go off. However, by the miracle of God know's what, none of the glass shatters leaving the dome in tact. Carlo, being a brave sucker, crashes his air craft (I don't know where he got it, just roll with the punches) into the top of the dome and them blows himself up. The hundreds of pounds of explosives didn't do it, but the little bit in the back of the craft were enough. Stupid. The glass shatters, and the entire structure comes down. Ugh...these Psychlo engineers are goddamned idiots. Not to mention how laughable the scene is with all the falling debris.

With the dome collapsed, Terl calls to the home planet in order to get reinforcements. Before he does that, though, Jonnie is able to reactivate the telporting countdown. Cue the final fight music...Jonnie vs. Terl. Man vs. Psychlo. A few weak punches and Travolta Chokeslams later, Jonnie straps the bomb that was attatched to Chrissy's neck (More Psychlo geinus: a bomb that doesn't explode when de-tatched) and secretely straps it onto Terl's arm. Tricked into detonating the bomb, Terl blows off his own arm. THESE creatures took over our planet? Not to mention the fact that earlier on Terl clearly stated it only took them 9 minutes to wipe out our best defenses. This fight has been going on for well over 20 minutes. I'm calling shenanigans on account of the Psychlo's power being greatly exaggerated.

So the nuke is sent to Psychlo, and being the strongest weapon ever built by incompotent humans, it blows up the whole planet. Whatever...continuity has left, anyway. Humans win...humanity is free! Let's end this shit-cicle.

Terl is captured and, I guess, is the only other Psychlo left. Instead of being killed, he is kept hostage in case other Psychlo colonies try to take over Earth, Jonnie will use the footage of Terl's betrayal to do something that will make them not want to take over Earth. I don't know...his logic is convoluted, as usual. Kill 'em. Anyway, I guess they have extra insurance because Ker has been named "Head Psychlo." Wow...head Psychlo on Planet Earth. Hey, Ker...piss off. So this is how the movie ends? Figures...only a movie this bad could end like this. The ending to Super Mairo was more satisfying. There is no resolution...only some omnipresent feeling that there could be another invasion, and with that a...*GASP*...sequal! Fuck that...


Sonic is doing a dramatization of this movie's flow. The ground is representing the ground, stopping the movie dead.



I remember this movie when it came out, but I don't remember it being this bad. I mean, sure, I'm much more cynical of a bastard now then I was in 2000...but God damn this is garbage. There isn't one redeeming quality with this movie. The acting, especially from the Academy Award winning actor John Travolta, is by far some of the worst. Dialogue is usually pointless and just hurts to listen to. I feel like the writers were hired right out of high school because of their Myspace blog entries, and the director (Roger Christian) IMDb listing shows that he has done a few good independant films, but everything is typical trash. The special effects aren't even that good, especially for a movie that had a 100 million dollar budget.

All of this, and none if it is even to mention the fact that this movie is revered by Scientologists because, get this, this is what they believe in. The basis of this movie are the fundementals of Scientology. John Travolta, a devout Scientologist, believes this trife? Fuck you. This movie needs to get an E.T. for the Atari 2600 treatment, and burry this in the damn desert. The credits are done...and I'm free. 'Till the next time...

Showtime Top 10...Reasons Madden NFL Football games suck!

Everyone has heard of EA's biggest money making sell out, Madden Football. It's the biggest NFL franchise game available. It even says so on the box.


Of course it does...it's the only fucking NFL game you can buy. You know what? I'm tired of forking over 50 bucks each year for the same damn game...Madden Football sucks and you suck for liking it. Before we begin, however, let me say this: I, by no means, am great at Madden. There's some sort of stupid God complex Madden gamers get...you're still just a loser playing a video game. You're no better then the douche bag playing Final Fantasy 8. This has nothing to do with my ability, or lack there of, to playing the game. With that out of the way, here's the top 10 reasons why...Madden blows.




#10 -







#9 - Because since 2004, they haven't made a game that has done anything besides pose as a fucking roster update. I'm not looking for a revolution in gaming, EA, I'm looking for a reason to give you my hard earned money. T.O.'s trade to the Bills...not cuttin' it.




#8 - Because even on the most high tech, next gen, consoles...Cover 2 and Cover 3 defenses still FAIL to defend the deep passes. Will the idiot DBs ever realize the whole purpose is to keep the play in front of them?




#7 - Man coverage contains just as much suck as zone...in fact, it's worse. Your CBs don't press anyway...they just get up to the line really close, then get beat on the wheel route. What's the point? It only works if the offense tries to go for a slant or post route...speaking of...




#6 - If the defense backs off, how is the middle of the field not open? It doesn't matter if you are passing with Peyton Manning, or Kevin NOPE Kolb, QBs in Madden have NEVER been able to throw accurate slant, posts, or even fade routes. These are run every week in football...how do they not work? What's the point of not doing anything but running the "Vick 2004" offense, and just run 20 yards behind the line, then bomb it.




#5 - Message to CBs and WRs...if the ball hits your hands, CATCH THE FUCKING THING!




#4 - With regards to the PS3 and Xbox360 versions...would it be too much to ask to back the fucking camera angle up so I can see the sidelines, and my outside WRs?




#3 - With regards to the Wii version...you can't throw a bullet pass online. Is that supposed to be a fucking joke?




#2 - More Wii version rants...I know it can't do HD graphics. But it CAN do better than what pathetic polygons were done in the '09 version. Oh...and in both versions, the presentation still blows; player intros (which the Wii doesn't even have) is not presentation. Some effort would be nice...sit back and takes some notes:








And the number 1 reason Madden Football absolutely sucks...



- Because I like fucking with stupid fanboys...that's why. Go pick up Tecmo Super Bowl. It is FAR superior.

Old Time Movie Rants 4: Primeval

I'm a fan of horror movies. To an extent, that is. I'm not a big "slasher" film kinda guy, but I don't mind my share of horror/suspense flicks. In 2007, I saw a trailer that appeared to be just that; a movie about some kind of super-natural serial killer in Africa. Sweet...sounds promising. At least it isn't a stupid monster movie...check out this trailer and tell me if there is ANY indication that this is some kind of animal.




Nope. It's even based off of a true story about a serial killer. Well hook, line, and sinker, count me in. If you guys didn't add it all up before...yeah...I'm an idiot.

The movie opens up with a shot of a few scientists and other workers digging up some bodies. The female scientists explains how these people have been executed and continues inspecting the area. She locates another pile of dirt that appears to conceal more bodies, so she shoves a shovel in the ground...but it hits something hard. The following scenes are so disillusioned, choppy, and sporadic, I really don't know what happens. Awful cinematography...all I know is that the Lady is dead and we're in Africa. Ugh...I need a Tylenol after that scene.

The opening credits begin...and I mention this because it should be the first key to what this movie is ACTUALLY about. We are treated to a bunch of news articles ranging from 1909 to present times about this "Serial Killer" named Gustave. Not to disrespect my millions and millions of readers in Africa, but am I really expected to care about this? No way this killer, which NO BODY can figure out who it is, would make front page in the NY Times. Just sayin'. Anyway...how can a human live for one hundred years? Uh oh...



The Force is strong with this one...

We are now at an office of a journalism company where we get to meet up with two of our main characters (read: monster fodder): Tim, Steven and Aviva. Tim is your prototypical douche, Steven (Orlando Jones-the black guy from MadTV) is supposed to be funny and, much like my blogs, is not, Aviva- the uninteresting woman scientist who is probably supposed to get naked, but doesn't. Oh...and like clockwork, the movie gives you two middle fingers; the "super natural serial killer" we were promised isn't a person, as advertised, but a crocodile. Fuck you, movie. If I wanted a monster movie I would've watched Godzilla...ass. Tim and Aviva meet up, and Big Boss Man wants Tim to, get this, go into Africa (a regular war zone) then film and CAPTURE Gustave. Are you kidding me? This creature has been killing native Africans for nearly a century, and for the sake of a story, wants a bunch of journalists to not only film it...but capture it? For Tim's sake, this place better have Aflack.


You can really just summarize the first few scenes with this. "Fuck you, viewers."



Our heroes(?) take a plane to Burundi, Africa (ShowTime has millions of readers there!) and talk about more things we don't care about. Also, the movie treats us to why Orlando Jones was a star on MadTv...his jokes are going to be painful, I hope he gets eaten soon. They land, and within minutes, are on a boat and ready to go become lunch. Silly Americans, we should listen to the wise Africans warning them of how deadly Gustave is. I'm not being sarcastic...these guys are stupid.

Nice transition, movie...we're now on a boat, at night, where Tim is still acting like a dick, and Aviva is till trying to pretend she can act. The back-and-forth between these two is laughable, no way they are journalists. Tim thinks that filming the capture of a century old killing machine is a "No-story." He must be the lead beat-guy on the "Brett Favre Watch." Dick. As the sexual tension grows, guys on the banks open fire on the boat. So much for that cease-fire, huh? No one is hurt and this scene had no purpose...thanks, movie.

New ShowTime Blog gimmick! The Croc Counter...the Croc Counter is a revolutionary tool that calculates how long Gustave is actually shown in the movie about him.
After 17:40 of the movie...Gustave has about :2 of actually being in the movie. He's been in 0.2% of the movie so far...

The crew meet up with Mathew Collins who is a licensed poacher...I mean...hunter. He is the one orchestrating this entire ordeal. Well, him and Jacob Krieg, who is a killer croc sympathist. He feels that Gustave should be taken alive, so it will be his way or the high way; the croc will be taken alive. Don't worry, he's not crazy, he's just a moron. Their fool-proof plan? Build a giant cage, put bait in the back, and have Gustave wonder on into it and then close the door. Jesus Christ, Wile E. Coyote had better plans than this.

They travel to Sorya Miduha, Burundi (I'm not this smart...the sub-text told me so) and meet with the locals that will help them out. Aviva sympathises with a dog who was put out on a raft, in the water, as an offering to Gustave. I told that dog to stop shitting on the carpet! Oh...and then the crew meets with a Shaman, who tells them that they will "Find what they are looking for...then they will find death." Thanks Shaman, I hope your head gets cut off. The next morning (this movie has worse transitions than RE:3, it's making my head hurt), our group and the locals lift up the giant cage and haul it to the site in which they will try and capture the 'croc. It's such a simple plan, I'm sure NOTHING will go wrong!


Crikey! Steve caught Gustave...great, movie over!

Well, Gustave shows up, but doesn't take the bait. Although he doesn't get caught, Collins was able to tag him with a GPA tracking device; now we'll know where he is at all times. The next morning (ugh...), the inspects their empty cage and pretty much scratches their heads. Their plan, well after a few more awful jokes from Steven, they decide to set the trap back up exactly the same way. Brilliant! The dinosaur that has already avoided your trap once is clearly stupid enough to fall for it the 2nd time. Meanwhile, Steven decides he wants to go shoot some footage of...nothing-ness. Yeah I guess the professional cameraman doesn't find a 30 foot killer crocodile interesting. While shooting stock Africa footage, he stumbles upon a few people who have captured the Shaman and his family. Let's play a game: How does the Shaman get got? a) Decapitation, b) Shot c) Who fucking cares, isn't this supposed to be about a crocodile? If you answered c, you're correct...but we were looking for a. HA! I got my wish. Steven returns to the tent and tells the rest of the crew what just went down...leading to them all debating on whether they should care or not. Isn't this just what you wanted when you think "super-natural serial killer who happens to be a crocodile?" Just when you think it can't get any worse...

I'm not sure what they decide to do, and I really don't care, because it's night time now. That means the Gustave trap is reset and ready to go. A local native, named Jo-Jo, that, for some reason, the movie takes a liking to climbs into the cage and starts yelling things at Gustave. Ladies and gents, this is my choice for "dumbest thing to happen that doesn't make any sense in a movie" award. Really...this is unbelievably stupid. Naturally, the movie throws us a cheap scare at us and makes Jo-Jo fall back and trigger the door shut. Then Gustave decides to show up and rattle Jo-Jo's cage *rim shot*, sending it into the water. Tim and the rest of the losers run out to scare off Gustave and save Jo-Jo. Another pointless scene that has some of the worst cinematography ever...you're doing great, movie.

Let's check on the Croc Counter!
With that last scene, Gustave has been in his own movie for a total of 0:19! Wow...we're now up to 0.7% of the movie that has contained the killer croc.

We find out Jo-Jo acted suicidal because he figured if he could capture Gustave, he could go to America. He wants to come here? Huh...apparently he doesn't know that our health care system is a joke or seen our tax rates. The soldiers, who have been protecting the group for the duration, are actually part of those behind the Shaman's murder. They don't want the footage getting out, so they begin to get ansy. And horny, apparently, as one of them tries to rape Aviva. He fights him off for a minute, but then he has her cornered. But like many crocodiles, Gustave does not find rape humorous...so he devours the soldier. There is still one soldier left, and he demands that they hand over the computer. Our hero's backs are against the walls, they are about to be executed, I wish he would shoot faster...but no, Jo-Jo returns and puts a bullet into the soldier. Damn. Regardless, Krieg was shot and the crew needs to find a place to hide out until day break. Gustave is having none of that...especially since they choose to hide in a small shack right off the water. Gustave attacks and makes the wounded Krieg his bitch. How are they going to survived the night?! They are defenseless!

And...Gustave gives up. For no reason at all...he just stops. Why? Wouldn't he go after the other 5 people? Stupid. So the remaining survivors (Tim, Steven, Aviva, Jo-Jo, and Collins) wait on the dock that was just destroyed by the 30 foot killer crocodile. I swear to God they are laying there like nothing happened, shooting the shit. This makes no fucking sense. So finally the helicopter that they called for last night arrives and the plot hole characters make a run for it. But before they can make it, the three goons that knocked off the Shaman arrive in their truck and shoot a rocket at the helicopter; they miss, but it inexplicably flies away NEVER TO RETURN. They don't even try to help...douches. Collins, however, does not want to die so he still tries to run after the 'copter. Yeah...he fails to get to da choppa...the 3 goons hit him with the truck and then shoot 'em. Why did he try and run after it? Oh...it was just an easy way for the writers to get rid of a character. You know...the longer this movie runs, the less sense it's beginning to make. You think the writers began to stop caring? I do.



Red thinks that this movie should stop acting like a DUMB ASS!

Now Tim, Aviva, Steven, and Jo-Jo are left to hide in the brush from the crazies. I thought this was a movie about a crocodile...just sayin'. Anyway, the group decides it's best if they go Scooby Doo and split up. Steven is the only idiot to dive into the fucking water...you know, where the croc is probably hiding. More from his mauling in a minute...they manage to escape the crazies for the most part, until it's down to one of them. Prepare for an epic battle...Tim vs. Nameless-African Guy, ring the bell!

3 unadventurous minutes later...

African Guy's brains are in the water. Shame. Anyway, we still have the non-comical camera man to take care of. I hope he makes a few awful one liners before Gustave destroys him. While wallowing knee deep in the swamp, Steven goes face-to-face with Gustave, and hauls ass in the opposite direction. Let me tell you...this croc makes Devin Hester look slow. The 1000 pound beast with small arms can run 30 mph. My ass...something that large, with such little legs, could NOT run that fast. Steven's death scene is odd, too...instead of seeing a terrible CGI effect of him getting chomped, we see the a final shot of him running from Gustave...then a fade to white. It almost seems as if the movie wants us to believe he is still alive...I really don't get it; probably just more terrible editing and cinematography.

We return with Tim, Aviva, and Jo-Jo: our only remaining survivors. Harry, who was a main component in setting this entire trip up, arrives conveniently and pretends to help the 3. However, his true desire is to acquire the computer that shows his men slaughtering innocent people. They try to tell him that they don't have it...but he doesn't buy it. Right...they are hiding the laptop up their rectums. What computer could really survive this much abuse? It's probably floating in the Nile, by now. Idiots. Anyway, Tim tricks Harry into believing that the GPS device that tracks Gustave is really a GPA device that tracks the computer. Harry is a real moron, like the computer is even that vital. Besides, what exactly is Tim's plan? Lead them all to Gustave so he can get eaten? How does this make sense in any real word concept!? Did the writers even pay attention?


A dramatization of ShowTime blogging about Primeval

So the group wonder into a swamp with the rain pouring down. I'm sure that computer still works here...ugh. They search all the way back until they locate a bone pit; presumably Gustave's meals. Tim finds a knife, and kills the henchman. Aviva then splashes Harry with the liquid bait that was used early to distract Gustave. Tim and Aviva run away, but don't quite escape. Harry puts 2 bullets into Tim's legs and then approaches for the kill but, in the name of plot-convenience, runs outta ammo. Still, it looks bleak for our heroes(?), that is until Gustave makes his presence known. Naturally, he goes after Harry because of the bait that he is lathered in. Gustave catches him and makes him dinner part 2.

Tim and Aviva take this time to run out of the swamp and back into the vehicle that they rode here in. Gustave, however, is still hungry. Yeah...throughout the movie he's stopped after eating one victim; I guess he just really hates these two pricks...can't say I blame him. He attacks the car, but Tim fights him off with a small, sharp stick and then drives away. That's it? That's the end of the movie...excuse me, I'm gonna go throw my computer out the window.


This is it...the bottom of the barrel when it comes to horror movies. Forget flicks like Friday the 13th: Jason takes Manhattan. This is worse because it lied to us. Not only did it lie...it lied, then sucked beyond measurable proportions. Let's list some of the reasons this movie blows:

-The camera work is terrible. I mean...it's so jumpy it'll give you a headache.
-The CGI in this movie is a damn joke.
-I never once cared about any of these characters...I really couldn't have been more disconnected.
-There was a plot?

You know what...you get the picture. If I start naming off reasons, we'll be here all night. This movie lied about being a "serial killer" movie, and ended up being a movie that tried to make me sympathise with African struggles, via a mythical crocodile. And about Gustave, the entire movie they talk like it's an actual person. I don't care how smart it is for an animal, it doesn't have human tendencies; which is something the dialogue between the cast seems to indicate. Oh...and why would anyone be so concerned about what's on a camera? The U.N. isn't going to a damn thing about it...they still don't care about Darfur! Instead of focusing on the croc, the movie narrows about some side story line.

Oh...and before I forget, the Croc Counter.
Up from 19 SECONDS of actually being in the movie, Gustav finishes off with about 10 full minutes of being apart of the movie. That rounds out to be about 10% of the entire movie. A movie about a killer crocodile only features the beast for 10% of the movie. Guys...the numbers don't lie. This movie sucks. Roll the credits...I'm done.