Or how about sports fanboys? All those Cowboy, Stealer, and BoSawks fans? Where do they all come from? How can you be from Jersey and like the Sawks and Cowboys? How the hell does that work? Buncah front runners...fuck 'um. Oh boy...someone get me my crazy pills, when I start to rant I tend to blow up the world...where's the Vault?
I was thinking the other day about the last time I went to the theaters, with J.J., and checked out the new X-Men movie (read: atrocity), X-Men Origins: Wolverine." Honestly...after X-3, which reminded me of a love child between the Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Shit and Superman Returns; boring, nonsensical, and convoluted...I was less than thrilled about the release of another X-men flick. I mean, how many times can you rape my childhood? Don't answer that...it's rhetorical. When the proposition was offered, "Hey Vince, you wanna go check out that new X-men movie" I wasn't totally opptomistic because I knew...I KNEW...it would suck. You could feel that it would be bad, there was just that underlying feeling that you would walk away into this movie just expressing how much more shit was just spewed outta Hollywood's fat ass.
But...it was better than talking about Man-Ram on steroids, and I wasn't paying for tix. So I was in.
The movie opens up with little Logan (or at this point in his life, Jimmie) lying ill on his bed with his brother, Victor, keeping him company. Their father barges into the room and gives the strangest of look to Victor, as if he will some how de-evolve after this movie is over into some sort of mindless henchmen. How silly of him to think. A comotion down stairs leads to the father to investigate, but, oops, the intruder shoots him down with what seemed little provoking. Logan gets up and is, rightfully, infuriated. This animal like rage sends him into comic book pose #1 and he unleashes his bone claws. Oh God...the bone claws. Even in the comic book that made no sense...actually there's a lot about Wolverine's character that I hate...why do I like his character so much?
Oh well...Logan impales (How?) the shooter, but comes to realize that the man he just killed is his...dramatic pause...FATHER!
This sends Lil' Logan running out of the house in a panic, into the dark woods. His brother follows him, noting that they have to "Stick together." Foreshadowing. They scamper off from the authoroties and hounds...hey, movie, seems like a good time to run the opening credits.
Some kick ass credits roll showing the brothers fighting in World War 1, 2, Vietnam, War of the Worlds, the war between Kratos and Zeus, and Obama's war on capitalism.
Sorry...that was unnecessary.
Actually, this is where I think the directors missed a huge oppurtunity. I mean, this is supposed to be about Wolverine's origin...why not tell us all about his teenage and young adult years? Yeah...don't spare me the details about his life as a lumberjack guys, thanks. Swing and a miss by Gavin Hood.
Movie continues in 'Nam, where Victor goes bezerker on his own camp after a woman he made nookie with wants child support payments. Ha! If I was Victor, I would have gone The Comedian on her. Take that, bitch! Regardless, Victor doesn't like that fact that his camp isn't appriciative of homicidal maniacs killing innocent people (damn liberals) and ends up killing his fellow officer-an act punishible by getting popped. Of course, Logan and Victor are 2 indestructable creatures and are just thrown into a jail cell while everyone questions how the hell they aren't resembling a Philadelphia resident at the moment. William Stryker finds the two in the cell and recruits them to join his secret, black opps-esque, group of military personnel...made up entirely of other uninteresting mutants.
The plot thickens!
So with little explanation why, we are now en route to Brazil, apparently trying to find a rock that is made up of something Stryker wants dearly (coughAdamantiumcough). So we get to meet some other characters that I hope meet their demise like they were starring in a Saw flick. They infiltrate this compound with little resistance and boring means. I mean, here's the run down:
-Zero (Random Asian guy I've never heard of and am not told what his powers are) jumps around and shoots a bunch of henchmen. I guess his powers are Wire Fighting Abilities.
-Frederick Dukes (Yes...the to-be Blob) shoves his arm up a tank cannon, and at the same time Physics' ass, and the tank explodes.
-Bolt controls an elevator
-LookslikeDeadpoolbutisnt has a 20 second sword/bullet action sequence and fights his was through the piss poor guards
-John Wraith (Played by Fucking Will.I.Am!) makes sure that Brazil drug lord doesn't move
-Wolverine is barely in any of these shots...nice.
So Stryker wants to know where Brazil Drug Lord got the paper weight rock on his desk, and he leads Stryker to a small village of natives. Instead of trading off the location of where the rest of the adamantium material is for a casino, Stryker threatens to begin killing the village people...unfortunately he's about 30 years to late. Wolverine, being a man of virutes, wants nothing to do with this, and walks away from the best thing going for him. Virtues isn't looked highly upon, and his comrades take his departure as a betrayal.
Damn it all...why haven't they been murdered by mutants, yet?
So now Wolverine resides in Canada...the fuckin' Commie...with a wife, on top of a cliff side, in a cabin. How did he pull that off? Meanwhile, in the not-so-relaxing location of a carnival, Bolt does a light bulb trick that only idiot teenagers pay a dollar to try. Victor agrees with me, and decides to justifiably slaughter him. Thank God, now get the rest of those bums...actually, if this movie would focus more on more Mutant killing action, and less lumber jacking, it might be good. Some foreshadowing that Logan's wife is a mutant later, Wolverine discoers that his wife has been brutally murdered by his own brother to, and I'm quoting, "Get his attention." Thanks, brother. So the two have a sissy fight outside a bar and Sabertooth (that's his name from now on...) takes the role of Appalachian State and whoops up on Wolverine. Cue the Kill Bill theme...this is a story of REVENGE!
Wolverine has come to the realization that he needs some sort of advantage to beat his brother, a sort of advantage that only HE can endure. If only if he could find someone connected to military SCIENCE that was just as committed to fucking logic up the ass. Insert Stryker, who doesn't look aged...just looks like he forgot to apply some "Just for Men." Speaking of...why is it that NO ONE has aged? The other mutants that we later re-encounter haven't aged at all!? Wolverine and Sabertooth I get...by why does Will.He.Be look the same age after a decade? Whatever...screw consistency. Stryker takes Wolverine to his secret SCIENCE lab and injects his body with the adimantium. After being assured that Wolverine survived...he orders that he be killed and taken to the Weapon X program. Go figure, Wolves...the weasel military guy betrayed you. What a plot twist! So Wolverine slaughters them all and escapes down a water fall.
Side rant...aside from the fact that his bones CANNOT be replaced with metal by just simply injecting the material into Wolverine's body, the question needs to be asked: Why did Stryker give him the adimantium? I got the weapon X project...but Logan's powers are self-healing. HIS METAL CAN'T BE PASSED IN HIS DNA! What purpose would giving the indisctruable man the most durable material EVER, thus making him even more indistructable, possibly have? It makes no sense...it doesn't, and you know it. Don't fight it.
So Wolverine runs butt naked across the country side where he runs into an old farm couple that, for no logical reason, take him in. That's ok...logic is for pussies, anyway. Logan gets fed, but not before investigating his new claws via the WORST CGI effect ever. Really...I've seen Wolverine costume accessories more convincing. The next morning, the couple pretty much make him their new son. Wow...I'm actually beginning to like these two grounding presences in the story. Very...*gun shot*. Scratch that...they are both killed by the no-powers Zero. Wolverin has another boring action sequence and it ends with him killing the talentless Asian. Thank God...now kill Bill.You.Are and the movie can end.
Next up, Wolverine actually DOES visit Will.I.Am. Wow...my wish is coming true!
Side rant 2...what doped up casting crew decided Will.I.Am was the way to go? He is a no-talent musical artist who has the acting talent of a pillow. Worst of all...his character has a southern accent. Chew on that for a second...tastes like the first time you gave head, don't it? Nasty. Fuckin' morons...why not use Nightcrawler? He actually WAS in the Weapon X project. They are both teleporting mutants! It's not like it doesn't fit...THINK!
So after some drinking some exposition beer, Wolverine has to question The Blob for answers about where Sabertooth and Stryker are. The island? Where's the island? Well...to find that out Wolverine has to box with Fat Bastard. Really...why didn't they just put Mike Myers in fat suit and cast him? It might actually be entertaining...so Wolverine finds out he has to go to New Orleans and meet the guy who fan boys have been beating off over for 3 X-Men movies now.
Fucking Gambit.
You know, I just got what's wrong with these expositions and characters...there's no connection. All these characters can just be interchanged with anyone else. Think about it...Will.I.Am for Nightcrawler, Zero for Anyone, and Gambit for well...ANYONE! He's only there for fan service, in fact...this is what Gambit does:
-Blow up and alley way...and throw some cards (cool effect, though)
-Provide exposition airplane.
Oh...I forgot to mention, Sabertooth pulls off a Mortal Kombat fatailty and basically rips out Will.I.Am's spine. Best thing to happen to music until Soulja Boi is Donte Stallworth'd.
Boom Boom Pow...bitch.
So because Gambit stopped Wolverine from ending this painful thing...I mean, killing Sabertooth back in New Orleans, he feels obligated to help finish this thing off by flying Wolverine to the Island. Hopefully, Tattoo and Mr. Roarke will be the ones welcoming Wolverine. Upon arrival, Wolverine pretty much walks right through the military compound and discovers Stryker preparing the mysterious Weapon X. Through some boring diolague, we discover that Wolverine's wife is *GASP* still alive. 10 bucks says she is killed later. Through the most see-through scheme of all time, Stryker has set them all up to complete the puzzle needed to create the ultimate mutant exterminator. My guess is that The Governator, and international punchline, Arnold Schwarzenegger, is the real Weapon X. Wolverine and Sabertooth get into again, but not before Wolverine throws in comic book pose #335 then proceeds to completely whoop his brother's ass. With the chance to finish him off, Wolverine supresses his animal-side and does not kill him. Instead, he helps his wife free her sister...oh, and the other mutants.
Wolverine's "Animal" side, thankfully, left out of this movie.
Needing to wrap up this movie, the not-completed robo-Deadpool is released and begins fighting Wolverine. They drag their fight all the way atop the faux nuclear reactor in what is a pretty damn impressive fight sequence. Sabertooth joins the brawl and helps his superior sibling eventually defeat Deadpool...ending with his decapitated head falling down the middle of the faux nuclear reactor, continuously shooting the forever-going Cyclops eye lasers. Finally...I couldn't take that abomination that they used in place of Deadpool. Deadpool is not a victim of a botched plastic surgery, damn it.
Ok...credits roll, movie over. Ahh...fuck, I forgot. We have to find out a way that Wovlerine loses his memory. So how does it happen? Sabertooth knocks him silly? No. Experimental brain surgery? Nope. Electro-therapy? Negative. Getting shot in the head with an adamantium bullet? ding ding ding. You are winner!!!! Yeah...the military scientist uses complex algorithms to come to the conclusion that is a garuntee that the bullent will not kill Wolverine...no, it will give him a migrane that's so bad, it makes him lose his memory. Fuck me, this a stupid movie. Oh right...the escaped mutants meet up with Piss-poor CGI Professor Xaiver and they go off to Never-Never land. Thanks for that resolution, movie...I needed that.
So Wovlerine gets leaves Fantasy Island with a plot-convienent memory loss of about an hour and a half. Suck...my...dick. How does this movie make any kind of sense? I should have brought a note pad to write down on the non-sensical plot points. So much of the movie is inconsistent with the X-men reality...and this is coming from someone who PREACHES striving away from source material when you need to. Really, think about all the problems with the movie:
1. It's never explained why Sabertooth de-evolves from a well-spoken, self-driven individual...to a mindless, animal-henchman.
2. A bullet to the dome doesn't cause amnesia
3. Too much CGI...and most of it looked like shit.
4. Characters had no auidence attatchment. I dare you to show me a subsequent character who's role was not inconsequential and could have been replaced by anyone. I DARE you.
5. The train wreck that is Deadpool. Aside from the fact that he wasn't even that large a contributor in Wolverine's comic book series...he looked completely ridiculous. Just think about this: His swords come from his wrists. Ugh...
6. For an action movie...the action sucked.
7. Fuck it...this movie blows.
For Christ's sake, the rant is over and I can go to bed. While I'm dreaming, I'll come up with a screen play that's twice as good as this crap. I swear I can. This movie blows...and fuck you if you don't agree.
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