Do you feel that sensation in your ass? Yeah...that's your childhood getting raped. Remember sitting down with your buddies, as kids, staying up all night playing Super Mario Bros. for the NES? The feeling you had playing that most awesome of classic games and finally beating it. Perfect. Well...perfect until 1993, when Super Mario Bros. hit the silver screen. Now, think about the story line of Super Mario: you play as either a red or green plumber, fight creatures by stomping on them, while eating mushrooms, then eventually defeating a hammer throwing, fire breathing, dragon. All to save a stuck-up princess. Hard to make a 90 minute feature length film about...but hey, Hollywood has made more with less (See: Iron Man). Oh well...let's break out the ol' NES, blow the dust outta the cartridge, and dive balls deep into Super Mario Bros...
The movie opens up with the Mario theme song in all its 8-bit glory. Savor this moment...it's the closest thing to "good" this movie will get. We are then subjected to a terrible looking animation sequence that makes the 8-bit game look HD. We are treated to a narration, from a New Yorker, about dinosaurs and how they were destroyed by a meteor. But wait! What if they weren't all killed off, but instead sent to another alternative dimension and evolved into highly-developed creatures? What if they found a way back? Well, movie, that would not only be one of the most non-sensical things ever conceived, it would be stupid and not at all like the video game. Why do you ask?
That's the plot...? Fuck me...
Set phasers to phail.
Next we cut to a rainy New York night where a lady sets down a case on the doorstep of a church, then scurries away into the sewers. Nuns open up the case and find a giant chicken egg. Sweet...get the pan, I take mine sunny side up. The Lady with No Name is then shown running through the sewers as if someone is chasing her, but then backs up to Academy Award winning actor, Dennis Hopper. "Koopa!" she proclaims. Koopa...? As in, the Koopa King, Bowser? How the fuck is that supposed to be Bowser? Guys...I have no joke for this...just look for yourself:
Oh! Now I see the similarities!
Anyway, Koopa asks where "the Rock" is. He should know...IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE THE ROCK IS! The lady is frightened of this, pushes Koopa, and the room collapses around her. Ok...thanks?
Back at the church, the egg hatches and it turns out to be a baby...human? Since when do humans come from eggs? Without any explanation for ANYTHING going on so far, we cut to the Mario Brothers' Plumbing. Well at least they are really plumbers...that's a start. The brothers get a call for work and go on their way as they talk about God knows what. And who cares? Why hasn't Mario gotten a mushroom and crushed a goomba yet? Regardless of my discontent, Mario and Luigi get ready for their super plumbing adventure but, damn it all, they were beaten by the other plumbers. Wow...this is exciting.
We randomly jump to a dig for dinosaur bones (in FUCKING New York city? What is wrong with these idiot directors?). Mr. EvilBusinessOwner arrives at the dig and asks how long will the dig take, because he has important buildings to build. The lady who is apparently the leader of the dig tells him to shove it, and then runs off to find a phone. Another scene...another lack of explanation. Thanks, movie. While Dig Lady goes to find a pay phone, a creepy guy smelling two hot dogs hops into a car with another weird looking guy and the two begin scouting the Dig Lady. Dig Lady finds a phone, too bad Luigi is already on it. Luigi, being a complete loser, gives up the phone to the lady because...I don't know...I guess he doesn't care about this movie, either. Mario bros. offer the Lady, who's name is now "Daisy," a ride in their P.o.S. mobile, and because she's still being stalked by the 2 Matrix rejects, she accepts.
If you're still awake...here's what we know: NOT A FUCKING THING.
If you still care...we are 15 minutes in, and still don't know why we are in New York, and not the Mushroom Kingdom-crushing goombas.
Is there a cheat code for, "Make movie less suck?"
Luigi has some awkward dialogue with Daisy that includes, "When I get to speaking I tend to say stuff that's stupid." This is why Luigi should never get his own game. Later, the Mario brothers, Daisy, and a new female character we don't know go out to dinner and talk about Daisy's dig site and how improbable...I mean...cool it is. Over exposition dinner, they make stupid jokes and reveal slightly more about the plot...using that term very loosely. We find out that Daisy was the baby who was delivered at a church doorstep...in an egg. Did the nuns tell her she was the love child of the Kernel's secret recipe and some bar hound? After diner, the 2 weirdos are waiting outside the restaurant and see Mario with his broad leaving. They give chase, thinking it's actually Daisy. 10 bucks says Daisy is really a dinosaur. 20 bucks says Luigi nails a dinosaur.
Time out for a side rant...this is really moving along slowly. I mean, usually I have no problem with a slow moving plot. I love Watchmen and that had a sluggish development. But let's face it, this movie is already a huge bomb. We are in freaking New York City, where and inexplicable dinosaur dig is taking place, with no purpose. As I'm watching this movie...it actually hurts to keep my eyes glued to the screen. Super Mario Bros. is going to be the death of me...I just feel that this movie's developments are going to be so monumentally stupid it will surpass even my anti-expectations. Hey...you know what's more interesting than this? This.
Luigi walks Daisy home...and they have a boring conversation about digging up bones. Because Luigi is REALLY trying to get laid, he is anxious to check out Daisy's site. I bet he's got a bone he wants Daisy to investigate! HEYOH! The two make it to the site, and go underground and scope out the bones, but before they can share a kiss...one of the Evil Busniess men's goons (Business man now = "Scapelli") has sabotaged the underground piping, and the dig beings to flood. Luckily for us, the Mario Brothers are plumbers! So Luigi recruits Mario and the two brothers are off to save Daisy's only purpose in life. This must be the movie's excuse for an action sequence...is there any goombas? No. Turtles? No. Mario eating any magic 'shrooms? Of course not. It's Super Mario Bros.: Plumbing Adventures!
Of course our "heros" stop the flooding, but the two stalkers are lurking around the corner and knock out the 2 plumbers, then kidnap Daisy. The Mario brothers follow Daisy's screams through the cavern and eventually find a wall that acts as a portal to another world. It's no warp-pipe, but as long as it gets us the hell out of New York...fine. So Luigi, then Mario, jump through the warp and find themselves in some bizzaro-New York. Which is saying A LOT if it's an even more weird place than New York. By the way...why is Luigi more brave than Mario? Haven't they even played Luigi's Mansion? Idiots...
While Mario and Luigi continue to make stupid puns and rip off one-liners, we cut to the Koopa King, Dennis Hopper, who is busy letting us know that his world sucks, and our world is superior; so naturally, he wants to kill all humans. The 2 stalkers (I guess their names are "Spike and Iggy.") return to Koopa with the captured Daisy. His evil plan is coming to fruition, that is until he notices that they did not bring the "rock" that she was wearing around her neck. "The two plumbers have it" they say. So Koopa puts out an APB for "plumbers." I guess they don't use toilets in bizzaro-New York.
Back with "The Plumbers," they continue to be confused. People are rude, pushy, and violent here in bizzaro-New York, but one would ask why the Mario Brothers feel so out of place? How is Bizzaro-NY different than real-NY? Well, the one difference is in bizzaro-NY old ladies with giant hot glue guns stick up the brothers. She steals the rock away from Luigi, but luckily for them, a very large woman beats the hell out of the old hag and with her super moon-boots, jumps away. Feeling defeated, the brothers slump around the city until a cop notices they have tools on their belt, and promptly arrests them because only plumbers use tools. It's such a stupid sequence...I can't even comprehend it. I guess they are on their way to meet Koopa....
So the two are taken to the police station for booking and...whoa....they are asked for their full names! You mean, we get to know what their last names are? Sweet...what are they, movie? "Mario Mario" and "Luigi Mario?" That is so fucking weak. At least it can only go up from here, right? Actually, it gets worse. The brothers are put in a small dog kennel, right below "Toad." Very cute, movie. so Toad explains that their worlds have crossed the dimensions after the meteor hit and, get this, their world's king happens to be the fungus that is growing throughout the world...their king has just been "de-evolved." Oh...so NOW we know why Sabertooth changed in the X-Men movies! Mario and Luigi are taken to meet Koopa, who demands that they had over the meteorite piece (Daisy's necklace). Of course, they don't have it...so they are sent to the "de-evolution chamber." Doesn't this remind you of Super Mario video games?
Koopa takes the Toad character and de-evolves him into a Goomba. I really think they had to try hard to insure that the Goombas would look nothing like they do in the video games. The threat doesn't scare the Mario Bro., however, because they quickly take over the room and make a break for it.
WHOA! Am I playing the video game, or watching the movie? I CAN'T TELL!
Mario and Luigi steal a cop car and lead the police on a chase that ends up with the two "Alien Plumbers" driving into a cave and out the back end of a cliff. The car plummets to its impending doom, but is saved by the amazingly-elastic fungus. Damn, I could sure use that fungus for everyday applications!
Koopa has grown tired of Iggy and Spike failing, so he evolves them into less-stupid morons. Have I yet mentioned how stupid this is? The fact that, at will, Koopa can evolve and de-evolve anybody he wants? Well...it gets worse, Koopa has issued all Goombas "de-evolution guns." Evolution takes generations, depending on the height of change. But not in Super Mario, it only takes the pulling of a trigger. Didn't that sound dumb enough when it was drafted up? THINK!
Daisy is summoned to see Koopa, and he proceeds to mock her and her family with some of the WORST acting ever. Koopa explains that Daisy, the human, descended from the dinosaurs and that he needs her rock to merge the worlds. I guess the intelligent dinosaurs don't like living on what is explained as "a few miserable streets, and endless desert." Hey, Koopa...if you sucked less as a leader, you could make the world better. But, hey, I'm just a ranting snark.
Back in the endless desert (where are they going to go?), the Mario brothers tie up Iggy and Spike and suck some information out of them. Apparently, just by inserting the small meteorite piece into the giant meteorite will merge the worlds. How the hell does that work? I'm no "dimensional scientist, but how would completing the giant rock do anything? Look at the idiot Showtime thinking that the producers of this movie actually thought through their story lines.
A producer of Super Mario Bros. brainstorms...
Mario and Luigi agree to retrieve the meteor piece, if Iggy and Spike agree to trade it for Daisy. Do the Mario Brothers really trust the minions of the evil dictator? Dumb shits...anyway, the 2 hijack a dump truck and drive it back into the city. Knowing that the lady who stole the rock is a bouncer at a bar, the 4 head there. Of course, Mario and Luigi are dressed in the worst suits ever. No really...Mario in yellow and Luigi in red...it's amazingly stupid looking. But in Bizzaro-NY, ugly he-women love that and Mario's pimp juice is flowing. I swear to God, Super Mario-Nintendo's greatest creation-seduces a bouncer at a club, by dancing with her, and then steals back the rock. God help me. But...uh oh...Lena and the Goombas crash the party and are after the rock. Mario and Luigi try to play keep away, but Mario is much too pudgy, and misses a catch...letting Lena acquire the meteorite. The Brothers escape off the roof, and into a trash truck that is, supposedly, heading right to Koopa's Tower.
The Brothers break into the Tower and ride up an elevator (in some new red and green outfits, respectively) when Goombas begin to pile in. How do they get out of it? Not by jumping on their heads, dummy, they make them dance to Frankie Yankovic's, "Somewhere my Love." Just when you thought it can't get any stupider, it gets worse.
Meanwhile, Daisy is attacked by Koopa's close assistant, Lena. Luckily, the little dinosaur, Yoshi, saves the day. Why did Lena even attack her? I don't fuckin' know...again, not explained. Daisy makes a break for it, but is cornered by some Goombas. Oh...forgot to mention, Iggy and Spike have been captured and sentenced to death because they have been speaking ill of Koopa. Ok...you're caught up. Daisy helps them get free, so they take her to meet Father.
And, I swear to God...it's the dumbest thing I've ever seen in cinema: The King has been de-evolved into fungus. Toad was not kidding...the fungus is actually the true King of Bizzaro-NY. What concept could that possibly have? I'm not sure if this is incredibly hilarious, or just pathetic.
Daisy, meet your father...ALL HAIL THE KING!
Ugh...this movie is beginning to drag. Lena has become shun by Koopa, and intends to unite the dimensions by herself. I guess it's like the Excalibur effect, whomever inserts the rock into the bigger rock owns the world. How stupid. Koopa, forsees this, and has Lena captured...he now has the rock. Sweet...moive almost over? Yes it is, but first we need to defeat the big bad. Mario and Luigi escape the Tower and meet up with Koopa on his way to unite the dimensions, BUT NOT IF MARIO HAS ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT! He attacks Koopa and incidently knocks the rock out of his possesion and into Lena's....how the hell did she get free? Anyway...now she is back on the path the meteorite spot. Luigi chases after Lena, who has arrived at the meteor site. She does insert the small piece into the larger one, but then promptly gets blasted into a rock and killed. The worlds start to merge, but Luigi is on the scene! He, with a little help from Daisy, remove the smaller piece and avert a disaster.
Back with Mario, he is busy battling Koopa in a showdown of epic proportions. This is the battle we've only seen in 8-bit. Man the A-button...let the brawl commence! Ok, I hyped that way too much. Mario and Luigi acquire a de-evolution ray and begin to blast Koopa; first he turns into a T-Rex, and then a pile of goo. Epic.
Mario and Luigi return to NotSoBizzaro-NY, but Daisy elects to stay because it's her duty...blah...blah...blah. Just before the audience thinks this is it, though...Daisy rushes through the Mario Brother's front door armed with weaponry proclaiming, "You're not gonna believe this!" Whoa...is something exciting about to happen? Nope. The movie ends on a cliff note...you've gotta be kidding me. There is no sequal...there is no saving this movie. Is a little bit of resolution too much too ask!?
Hey, Wile E, while you're hangin' around, could you find us an ending for this movie?
I don't know how to conclude this rant...this movie is such an ugly scar. There is so much wrong with this movie. Even if you forget the fact that it's supposed to be Super Mario, it doesn't even qualify for a good movie to enjoy. How does the de-evolution work? What good would taking over our dimension, de-evolving it, and running THIS world into the ground too do? This movie gives us too many stupid scenarios, yet no resolutions.
But I can't leave it at that...because this is a movie that is supposed to be about Super Mario. There are a few newances to the video game; bomb-oms, references to mushrooms, locations named "Thwamp" and "Bullet Bills," but they have no relevance to the story. Instead of focusing on what drew people to the name "Super Mario," they decided to make some garbage plot that doesn't even work. This isn't even mentioning the fact that the acring in this film is not bad...it's atrocious. Every line is spoken like they were reading it off their hand...oh, except for Luigi-who says his lines like he never even reherced them. I swear..everything he says sounds like he just made it up on the spot; it's a movie, Luigi, not impov.
I've had enough...I'm popping back in the NES cartridge and do this movie justice. The credits FINALLY roll..and I can get the fuck out.
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