Could someone name me a good video game movie? Why does such a seemingly simple concept constantly fall flat on its ass? I mean...Hollywood can't be really that inept, can they? When they write up the board for the movie and watch the drafts, don't they see how much it sucks? Will I ever stop asking the reader questions? Not until I get...*removes sunglasses* some answers.
Have you thought of a good VG movie, yet? Tomb Raider? No. Silent Hill? It wasn't too bad, but I don't consider it good. Super Mario Brothers? Fuck you. Hollywood can't get it right...that is, until Resident Evil was released. The first one, loosely based off of...uh...none of the video games, in my opinion, was a solid zombie flick. Think about it, it had a good cast-Mila Jovovich starred as Alice, and she had her crew of uninteresting, however quite effective, co-actors. The plot was nothing new; evil corporation makes a virus (titled: T-Virus...yes, from the game) that will enhance how humans live. Token douche bag thinks he can get rich from it, but he ends up getting fucked in the end. That's really it...throw in some scares, slick action sequences, and you have a zombie film George A. Romero would be proud of. Hell...even Resident Evil: Apocalypse was a decent movie; albeit, moved away from a survival horror, to an action movie. I'd still watch and enjoy it.
Of course, no trilogy is complete without a 3rd installment, so out came Resident Evil: Extinction. The first two proved good, and did well in box offices...this was naturally going to happen. And you know what, I was sucked in...I honestly thought that this would be a good movie. I'm an idiot...
I smell a rant coming. This movie is about to be...dead meat. YEAHHHHHHH!
The movie starts us off with a picture of a naked Alice...way to pull in the male demographic, movie. She wakes up and wonders around, until she realizes she's in the mansion from the first movie. Still aimlessly wondering, she scurries into the infamous laser room, avoids becoming bite sized, and jumps into a vent and out into a hospital. This architect blows...a mansion in a hospital? Talk about high healthcare costs. She narrowly avoids getting guillotined, but does not avoid stepping on an Indiana Jones trap, steps on the trap, and promptly gets shot. But, oh lucky us....she's just a clone Alice, and Dr. Isaacs is just doing test to find a cure for the T-Virus. Although, it's never explained why he is sending the Clone-Alices through a prototype Double Dare obstacle course.
The movie zooms out and shows us the desolate desert, then it's title sequence. We are then treated to a narration by Alice that tells us the T-Virus not only spread around the world and devastated the human race, but dried up oceans and destroyed plant life. How, you ask? Logical explanation how a virus that effects animals can cross over to plant life? I think you're asking too much from this movie...
We now zoom to the real Alice who receives a distress call from her radio that pleads for help. She finds her way to a run down shack, where a guy...oh sorry, that's just an ugly woman...is holding her baby, crying. Alice takes the baby...but, oh noes! It's a doll. It's a doll? A group of hillbillies pull guns on her and push her against a table, mocking her. The creepy Johnny Knoxville clone is horny, and wants to show Alice his trouser zombie. He promptly gets kicked in the chin, apparently so hard, that he is dead. The Eagles are in need of a kicker...can she play? The rednecks knock her out and dump her in their basement/room below. They gather around a hole in the ceiling, like a bunch of redneck Ceasers, as Alice struggles to break her binds...some zombie dogs are ready to attack. Wait...you're telling me these hillbillies managed to capture AND cage these rabid, zombie, hell hounds? What...did they trick them using a radio gag, too? Alice, being the token bad ass...kills the first 2 faster than, I think, even the producer wanted. So the hillbillies let all of them through and we have a good chase around the basement to some Benny Hill music. Actually...there was no Benny Hill music, but it might have made it more interesting if there was. Alice kills the dogs, and manages to cave in the ceiling...making the Hick Family dog lunch. This scene makes no sense...why would anyone do this, after the end of the world? Ugh...and what significance does this scene have? None...you idiot.
Searching for plot...error: no purpose for movie. abort...retry...fail
Now we have a cut scene to a convoy running down the road, and over the living dead. How can we possibly get scared in a wide open desert? Oh right...we can't. While the convoy douches have their discussion about "Does anyone have a smoke?" Let's quickly run down the roster of hopeful zombie food: Carlos (Alice's love interest...also plays the courageous character), Claire (Pessimistic bitch), Betty (Played by FUCKING Ashanti!), Mikey (Horror movie necessary "Nice guy"), Chase (the Cowboy), and L.J. (Token black guy). Will the non-horror, horror movie still kill off the black guy first? Let's watch...
Oh...sorry...the movie does a random cut shot back into the Umbrella facility. The holograms of the Umbrella complexes across the world have a weekly business meeting. They talk about Project: Alice and other things we don't care about. How is this a survival horror movie? Oh...I have to try and survive this horrid mess of bad acting and a boring script. Got it...
Cut shot again? Christ...we go to Alice who stops at a local Quick-e-Mart. She puts an arrow through a zombie's forehead (zombie kill 1....for those keeping count). Alice then checks the 7-11 only to find a closet that contains...a person who hung themselves. Ugh...this is scary...she has some nasty, decomposing feet. Alice braves the flies and grabs a journal laying on the ground that depicts Alaska as being "safe." Alaska is too far away from Nevada...please don't make me watch them travel there, movie. FORESHADOWING...a bird is eating the killed zombies face.
Cut shot...AGAIN! Back to the boring convoy, where El Carlos and Token Black Guy enter a hotel-notell, why? Naturally, they stealth around making awful jokes looking for zombies. Movie...why are they in the motel? Carlos and LJ separate to look for...uhh....MOVIE! Why the fuck are they in the motel? LJ finds an unlocked room, so he goes to check it...but gets attacked by a zombie. And the zombie...looks like Duke Nukem. Yeah...LJ gets attacked by Zombie Duke Nukem. Thankfully, he fights him off and kills the zombie (zombie kill 2). LJ, a guy who never watched a horror film, sits on the bed relaxed until he notices a zombie rising from the floor. He shoots but...he hits a mirror? How do you not know what a mirror looks like? It's not a fun house, idiot. The zombie bites him on his chest, but Carlos kills it before it can go for the kill. Typically for a zombie flick, no body notices the huge gash on LJ's chest. This, certainly won't come back to haunt them. Hey, by the way...why were they in the motel?
Nobody takes our brains...and lives.
Cut shot..go figure. We're back at Umbrella LLC, where Dr. Isaacs and his 2 interns tied up a zombie and begin comprehension skills on the zombie. The dead guy actually begins to complete some of the give tasks (Day of the Dead, anyone?) and Dr. Isaacs is given the new title of, "Super Genius." That title is shortly retracted when the zombie gets frustrated and breaks out of his restraints, only to brutally kill the other 2 doctors. What did we learn from this scene...? Nothing, of course.
Surprise...cut scene back to the convoy, where Mikey is handing out cans of food to the entire group. He's correctly guessing what's in each can, how cute. I hope he dies. The convoy is getting down in the dumps because Chase keeps being a douche...oh, and they are running low on gas and daylight. Luckily for them, they have found military grade equipment to create a perimeter around the convoy in order to protect themselves from any wondering zombie. Uh huh...
Cut shot to Alice...ugh...I'm getting dizzy from switching between all these locations. She reads the exposition journal, which tells the audience where this movie is headed: Alaska!
RUN! Zombie Sarah Palin is coming for your brains because she clearly doesn't have any!
Cut shot...already? Back to Umbrella where they run another worthless Alice test that tells them nothing of importance. Clone Alice gets killed by a super-zombie....next scene, fuckers.
Cut shot...Alice. She falls asleep, haves some nightmares and levitates her motorcycle. Then wakes up and it crashes to the ground. Why couldn't we have just been shown this before the cut to Dr. Isaa...fuck it, I don't care. Bottom line: Dr. Isaacs now knows Alice is around.
Cut shot...convoy. The group is sleeping, quite peacefully in fact, until some crows being congregating around them. Eerilie they stare at the vehicles, waiting for the notion to go attack. Everyone tries to be still, but a soda can drops and all the birds swarm. This inspires what might be the most expensive, stupidest, looking death scenes ever. Really...I can't explain it at all. Just watch...notice how dumb they look as they shake their heads when birds peck at their faces. This is just getting painful to watch...I don't know how much more I can take. After some stupid sequences, including the bus carrying the most people crashes, the convoy tries to evacuate. Chase mans the flamethrower on top of the oil tanker, but is attacked by some crows and points the flamethrower at Carlos, who's busy helping an extra. OH NO...NOT CARLOS! Don't worry...Alice is here to save the day. She uses her MIND BULLETS to re-direct the fire upwards, burning all the crows.
Alice can hit a yak from 200 yards away...WITH MIND BULLETS! That's telekinesis, Kyle.
Alice wakes up shortly after using her mind powers to a teenage girl named K-Mart. K-Mart averaged 20 points and 10 rebounds a game for the Nuggets this season...oh...not the NBA K-Mart? Good...Mark Cuban thinks him and his mom are thugs. Claire greets Alice, and like the cunt she is, acts like a cunt. I hope she dies. So because the movie can't have Claire on screen for more than a minute, Carlos and Alice take a little stroll down exposition lane. Then Alice's watch tells her that the satellite tracking her has, in fact, tracked her. Run! Hey...you know what's missing? Zombies. Isn't this supposed to be a movie about zombies? Forget it...
Dr. Isaacs has gotten a hard on to the fact that he has a 67% positive ID on Alice being alive. He goes to hologram boss-man to give him the good news and ask for a task force to pursuit Alice. Apparently, Boss-Man has a lot to do in the post-apocalyptic world, because 67% isn't enough for him. Right...the lone hope for restoring the world to some level of normality and he shrugs it off. Ass....
Cut shot back to the convoy, Alice has shown them her journal that she found at the 7-11. Naturally, she proposes going to Alaska. The group figures it's better to take the chance traveling to Alaska, then wonder around, getting eaten in motel rooms. HOORAY! So the Detroit Lions...I mean, convoy...is heading to Alaska. But they need some supplies. So after some careful deliberation, they decided to head to Viva Las Vegas, baby! WOOOO! I'm hittin the poker table!
Cut fucking shot back to Dr. Isaacs who isn't taking rejection well. He creates a synthesised version of the Boss-Man's voice to create a fake order to send a task force to capture Alice. End.
Cut back to the convoy driving to Vegas. I can't wait to see the city of Las Veg...ass. The city is completely covered in sand. 5 years after the civilization left, and sand drifts covered the ENTIRE city of Vegas? Fuck you...I'm not environmental engineer, but there's no way it happens that quickly. This is just lazy on the filmmakers part. In the middle of the road is a giant metal crate. The crew is ready to move it because apparently they don't know how to drive around objects, but Alice stops them. Her Spidey senses must be tingling. Alice approaches the crate and puts her ear to it, and hears...the sound of this crap plot!
NO! It's actually a horde of super-zombies that attack them all. Remember how you had to shoot a zombie in the head to kill it? Remember that rule put in place by zombie movies of past? Yeah...Resident Evil shits all over that. Oh well...they've already shit all over me, remember? I thought this was going to be good. Alice and company fight off the horde for awhile. It's the best action sequence in the movie, but that isn't saying much. Mid-brawl, Dr. Isaac and the Isaac-netts take control of Alice and shut her down. She's robo-Alice, I guess. But, to no avail. Alice fights the condition and comes for them! Conveniently enough, they are perched on top of a nearby building. Alice slaughters them all, except Isaacs...who escapes, but not before a zombie takes a chomp out of him, infecting him in the process. As the helicopter flies away, Alice hesitates shooting at it. "Why?" K-Mart asks. "Because we're not driving to Alaska...we're flying." Oh good...movie, who here has flight experience? Movie...answer the question.
Notable deaths: Chase, Mikey, LJ turned into a zombie (at a completely random fucking time) and bites Carlos. I wish I cared...but I'm kind of envying them, right now. I guess we'll have to count this as zombie kills 3-25. That sounds fair.
Leon, buddy...you don't know how lucky you are.
Back at "base," Dr. Isaacs is in big trouble. But he's too busy trying not to become a living dead. He has begun injecting himself with numerous amounts of anti-virus, but to no avail. Wow...some scientists Umbrella has; their anti-virus is complete fail. Dr. Isaacs has been sentenced to death and is shot on sight. Unfortunately for the dick heads in the base...all the anti-virus has turned Dr. Isaac into the Hulk's and The Thing's illegitimate love child. Nasty...
Back outside, the rest of the survivors (all 7 of them) have developed a plan. The infected Carlos will drive the tanker, loaded with dynamite, through the hordes of zombies which is outside the Umbrella facility. The explosion clears a path for them and they get to da 'Choppa. After everyone loads in, Alice tells them that she isn't going with. Hey, movie, you still haven't answer...who can fly the helicopter? Well...Claire is, so we'll just assume she can. Alice heads down into the facility...cue the epic boss-battle music!
Alice takes on the toughest foe, yet!
After descending into the facility, Alice is greeted by the AI system, represented by a hologram of a creepy little girl. AI Girl informs Alice that Dr. Isaacs has gone completely bat shit insane, and on top of that, her blood is the cure for the T-Virus. So off Alice goes to fight Mutant Dr. Isaacs. This is supposed to be scary, I guess. But it's not...in fact, there isn't one scary moment in the entire part.
After a brief confrontation with the Freak, Alice accidental wakes up one of her clones...who dies. That was quick. So tired of crying over herself...Alice chases after Isaacs and meets up with him in the, you guessed it...Mansion part of the facility. They exchange awful battle dialogue, and mind bullet force pushes. Alice slightly annoys Isaacs with hers, so he flings her through a wall that lands her in the infamous laser room. After some more awful dialogue, including Issacs pronouncing, "I thought you were the future...but I am the future," he gets cut into little cube pieces. But wait...the laser is heading towards Alice! With her, the cure is lost! And she is...saved. Damn it. The clone isn't really dead, and happens to know that the high-tech laser system is hooked up to a nearby lap top. She also knows what do. PLOT HOLE. Why didn't the AI system just shut it off, instead? Wouldn't that have made sense? Fuck it...who cares? Alice holograms herself to the other Umbrella facilities and threatens upon them a great vengeance and furious anger. Credits roll...finally...
This movie is bad because it's just stupid. This is not a scary movie like its earlier films. And why not? It barely counts as a zombie movie. The only real time zombies were killed, was early on in the first act. Yes, in the giant action sequence about 20 were killed...and later on another few hundred blown up. But that doesn't count, because it's not how zombie movies work. Besides, it fails as an action movie because it barely has any relative action. Most of the time the movie is too busy letting us know what each of the 3 main groups of characters are doing via dizzying cut shots. I don't care...show me a zombie movie. I realize the world is ended...so what? This is not even CLOSE to Resident Evil. There is, litterally, one cheap jump scare in the entire movie...and that is because it happened to be Zombie Duke Nukem. This movie sucks...and I can't take it anymore.
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