Showtime Sports! NFL - Top 10...reasons Kevin Kolb sholdn't start over McNabb

Showtime's TOP 10...!



"Reasons Kevin Kolb should not start over Donovan McNabb."

#10: 'Cuz fuck him...that's why!




#9: He has a strong arm and can throw the deep ball well...right into a defender's chest.




#8: Kolb is about as fleet footed as Dan Marino...perfect fit for the West Coast offense *fart sound*




#7: All QBs who wear the number 4 are losers. All of them.





#6: The University of Houston has such a long and wondrous history of producing grade A athletes, right?




#5: He turned a 3 point deficit into a 20 point deficit...how magical.




#4: Kolb makes Bobby Hoying look great...do Eagle fans REALLY wanna suffer through the mid-90s again? I thought so...





#3: My fellow Eagle fans have run countless stars outta town...usually it ends up in complete and utter failure. SO STOP DOING IT!




#2: 'Cuz fuck him again...that's why!




And the number one reason Kevin Kolb should not start over Donovan McNabb...




#1: Because Kevin Kolb = ....

Old Time Movie Rants 3: Super Mario Bros.

Do you feel that sensation in your ass? Yeah...that's your childhood getting raped. Remember sitting down with your buddies, as kids, staying up all night playing Super Mario Bros. for the NES? The feeling you had playing that most awesome of classic games and finally beating it. Perfect. Well...perfect until 1993, when Super Mario Bros. hit the silver screen. Now, think about the story line of Super Mario: you play as either a red or green plumber, fight creatures by stomping on them, while eating mushrooms, then eventually defeating a hammer throwing, fire breathing, dragon. All to save a stuck-up princess. Hard to make a 90 minute feature length film about...but hey, Hollywood has made more with less (See: Iron Man). Oh well...let's break out the ol' NES, blow the dust outta the cartridge, and dive balls deep into Super Mario Bros...

The movie opens up with the Mario theme song in all its 8-bit glory. Savor this moment...it's the closest thing to "good" this movie will get. We are then subjected to a terrible looking animation sequence that makes the 8-bit game look HD. We are treated to a narration, from a New Yorker, about dinosaurs and how they were destroyed by a meteor. But wait! What if they weren't all killed off, but instead sent to another alternative dimension and evolved into highly-developed creatures? What if they found a way back? Well, movie, that would not only be one of the most non-sensical things ever conceived, it would be stupid and not at all like the video game. Why do you ask?

That's the plot...? Fuck me...


Set phasers to phail.

Next we cut to a rainy New York night where a lady sets down a case on the doorstep of a church, then scurries away into the sewers. Nuns open up the case and find a giant chicken egg. Sweet...get the pan, I take mine sunny side up. The Lady with No Name is then shown running through the sewers as if someone is chasing her, but then backs up to Academy Award winning actor, Dennis Hopper. "Koopa!" she proclaims. Koopa...? As in, the Koopa King, Bowser? How the fuck is that supposed to be Bowser? Guys...I have no joke for this...just look for yourself:


Oh! Now I see the similarities!

Anyway, Koopa asks where "the Rock" is. He should know...IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE THE ROCK IS! The lady is frightened of this, pushes Koopa, and the room collapses around her. Ok...thanks?

Back at the church, the egg hatches and it turns out to be a baby...human? Since when do humans come from eggs? Without any explanation for ANYTHING going on so far, we cut to the Mario Brothers' Plumbing. Well at least they are really plumbers...that's a start. The brothers get a call for work and go on their way as they talk about God knows what. And who cares? Why hasn't Mario gotten a mushroom and crushed a goomba yet? Regardless of my discontent, Mario and Luigi get ready for their super plumbing adventure but, damn it all, they were beaten by the other plumbers. Wow...this is exciting.

We randomly jump to a dig for dinosaur bones (in FUCKING New York city? What is wrong with these idiot directors?). Mr. EvilBusinessOwner arrives at the dig and asks how long will the dig take, because he has important buildings to build. The lady who is apparently the leader of the dig tells him to shove it, and then runs off to find a phone. Another scene...another lack of explanation. Thanks, movie. While Dig Lady goes to find a pay phone, a creepy guy smelling two hot dogs hops into a car with another weird looking guy and the two begin scouting the Dig Lady. Dig Lady finds a phone, too bad Luigi is already on it. Luigi, being a complete loser, gives up the phone to the lady because...I don't know...I guess he doesn't care about this movie, either. Mario bros. offer the Lady, who's name is now "Daisy," a ride in their P.o.S. mobile, and because she's still being stalked by the 2 Matrix rejects, she accepts.

If you're still awake...here's what we know: NOT A FUCKING THING.
If you still care...we are 15 minutes in, and still don't know why we are in New York, and not the Mushroom Kingdom-crushing goombas.


Is there a cheat code for, "Make movie less suck?"

Luigi has some awkward dialogue with Daisy that includes, "When I get to speaking I tend to say stuff that's stupid." This is why Luigi should never get his own game. Later, the Mario brothers, Daisy, and a new female character we don't know go out to dinner and talk about Daisy's dig site and how improbable...I mean...cool it is. Over exposition dinner, they make stupid jokes and reveal slightly more about the plot...using that term very loosely. We find out that Daisy was the baby who was delivered at a church doorstep...in an egg. Did the nuns tell her she was the love child of the Kernel's secret recipe and some bar hound? After diner, the 2 weirdos are waiting outside the restaurant and see Mario with his broad leaving. They give chase, thinking it's actually Daisy. 10 bucks says Daisy is really a dinosaur. 20 bucks says Luigi nails a dinosaur.

Time out for a side rant...this is really moving along slowly. I mean, usually I have no problem with a slow moving plot. I love Watchmen and that had a sluggish development. But let's face it, this movie is already a huge bomb. We are in freaking New York City, where and inexplicable dinosaur dig is taking place, with no purpose. As I'm watching this movie...it actually hurts to keep my eyes glued to the screen. Super Mario Bros. is going to be the death of me...I just feel that this movie's developments are going to be so monumentally stupid it will surpass even my anti-expectations. Hey...you know what's more interesting than this? This.

Luigi walks Daisy home...and they have a boring conversation about digging up bones. Because Luigi is REALLY trying to get laid, he is anxious to check out Daisy's site. I bet he's got a bone he wants Daisy to investigate! HEYOH! The two make it to the site, and go underground and scope out the bones, but before they can share a kiss...one of the Evil Busniess men's goons (Business man now = "Scapelli") has sabotaged the underground piping, and the dig beings to flood. Luckily for us, the Mario Brothers are plumbers! So Luigi recruits Mario and the two brothers are off to save Daisy's only purpose in life. This must be the movie's excuse for an action sequence...is there any goombas? No. Turtles? No. Mario eating any magic 'shrooms? Of course not. It's Super Mario Bros.: Plumbing Adventures!

Of course our "heros" stop the flooding, but the two stalkers are lurking around the corner and knock out the 2 plumbers, then kidnap Daisy. The Mario brothers follow Daisy's screams through the cavern and eventually find a wall that acts as a portal to another world. It's no warp-pipe, but as long as it gets us the hell out of New York...fine. So Luigi, then Mario, jump through the warp and find themselves in some bizzaro-New York. Which is saying A LOT if it's an even more weird place than New York. By the way...why is Luigi more brave than Mario? Haven't they even played Luigi's Mansion? Idiots...

While Mario and Luigi continue to make stupid puns and rip off one-liners, we cut to the Koopa King, Dennis Hopper, who is busy letting us know that his world sucks, and our world is superior; so naturally, he wants to kill all humans. The 2 stalkers (I guess their names are "Spike and Iggy.") return to Koopa with the captured Daisy. His evil plan is coming to fruition, that is until he notices that they did not bring the "rock" that she was wearing around her neck. "The two plumbers have it" they say. So Koopa puts out an APB for "plumbers." I guess they don't use toilets in bizzaro-New York.

Back with "The Plumbers," they continue to be confused. People are rude, pushy, and violent here in bizzaro-New York, but one would ask why the Mario Brothers feel so out of place? How is Bizzaro-NY different than real-NY? Well, the one difference is in bizzaro-NY old ladies with giant hot glue guns stick up the brothers. She steals the rock away from Luigi, but luckily for them, a very large woman beats the hell out of the old hag and with her super moon-boots, jumps away. Feeling defeated, the brothers slump around the city until a cop notices they have tools on their belt, and promptly arrests them because only plumbers use tools. It's such a stupid sequence...I can't even comprehend it. I guess they are on their way to meet Koopa....

So the two are taken to the police station for booking and...whoa....they are asked for their full names! You mean, we get to know what their last names are? Sweet...what are they, movie? "Mario Mario" and "Luigi Mario?" That is so fucking weak. At least it can only go up from here, right? Actually, it gets worse. The brothers are put in a small dog kennel, right below "Toad." Very cute, movie. so Toad explains that their worlds have crossed the dimensions after the meteor hit and, get this, their world's king happens to be the fungus that is growing throughout the world...their king has just been "de-evolved." Oh...so NOW we know why Sabertooth changed in the X-Men movies! Mario and Luigi are taken to meet Koopa, who demands that they had over the meteorite piece (Daisy's necklace). Of course, they don't have it...so they are sent to the "de-evolution chamber." Doesn't this remind you of Super Mario video games?

Koopa takes the Toad character and de-evolves him into a Goomba. I really think they had to try hard to insure that the Goombas would look nothing like they do in the video games. The threat doesn't scare the Mario Bro., however, because they quickly take over the room and make a break for it.


WHOA! Am I playing the video game, or watching the movie? I CAN'T TELL!


Mario and Luigi steal a cop car and lead the police on a chase that ends up with the two "Alien Plumbers" driving into a cave and out the back end of a cliff. The car plummets to its impending doom, but is saved by the amazingly-elastic fungus. Damn, I could sure use that fungus for everyday applications!

Koopa has grown tired of Iggy and Spike failing, so he evolves them into less-stupid morons. Have I yet mentioned how stupid this is? The fact that, at will, Koopa can evolve and de-evolve anybody he wants? Well...it gets worse, Koopa has issued all Goombas "de-evolution guns." Evolution takes generations, depending on the height of change. But not in Super Mario, it only takes the pulling of a trigger. Didn't that sound dumb enough when it was drafted up? THINK!

Daisy is summoned to see Koopa, and he proceeds to mock her and her family with some of the WORST acting ever. Koopa explains that Daisy, the human, descended from the dinosaurs and that he needs her rock to merge the worlds. I guess the intelligent dinosaurs don't like living on what is explained as "a few miserable streets, and endless desert." Hey, Koopa...if you sucked less as a leader, you could make the world better. But, hey, I'm just a ranting snark.

Back in the endless desert (where are they going to go?), the Mario brothers tie up Iggy and Spike and suck some information out of them. Apparently, just by inserting the small meteorite piece into the giant meteorite will merge the worlds. How the hell does that work? I'm no "dimensional scientist, but how would completing the giant rock do anything? Look at the idiot Showtime thinking that the producers of this movie actually thought through their story lines.


A producer of Super Mario Bros. brainstorms...


Mario and Luigi agree to retrieve the meteor piece, if Iggy and Spike agree to trade it for Daisy. Do the Mario Brothers really trust the minions of the evil dictator? Dumb shits...anyway, the 2 hijack a dump truck and drive it back into the city. Knowing that the lady who stole the rock is a bouncer at a bar, the 4 head there. Of course, Mario and Luigi are dressed in the worst suits ever. No really...Mario in yellow and Luigi in red...it's amazingly stupid looking. But in Bizzaro-NY, ugly he-women love that and Mario's pimp juice is flowing. I swear to God, Super Mario-Nintendo's greatest creation-seduces a bouncer at a club, by dancing with her, and then steals back the rock. God help me. But...uh oh...Lena and the Goombas crash the party and are after the rock. Mario and Luigi try to play keep away, but Mario is much too pudgy, and misses a catch...letting Lena acquire the meteorite. The Brothers escape off the roof, and into a trash truck that is, supposedly, heading right to Koopa's Tower.

The Brothers break into the Tower and ride up an elevator (in some new red and green outfits, respectively) when Goombas begin to pile in. How do they get out of it? Not by jumping on their heads, dummy, they make them dance to Frankie Yankovic's, "Somewhere my Love." Just when you thought it can't get any stupider, it gets worse.

Meanwhile, Daisy is attacked by Koopa's close assistant, Lena. Luckily, the little dinosaur, Yoshi, saves the day. Why did Lena even attack her? I don't fuckin' know...again, not explained. Daisy makes a break for it, but is cornered by some Goombas. Oh...forgot to mention, Iggy and Spike have been captured and sentenced to death because they have been speaking ill of Koopa. Ok...you're caught up. Daisy helps them get free, so they take her to meet Father.

And, I swear to God...it's the dumbest thing I've ever seen in cinema: The King has been de-evolved into fungus. Toad was not kidding...the fungus is actually the true King of Bizzaro-NY. What concept could that possibly have? I'm not sure if this is incredibly hilarious, or just pathetic.


Daisy, meet your father...ALL HAIL THE KING!


Ugh...this movie is beginning to drag. Lena has become shun by Koopa, and intends to unite the dimensions by herself. I guess it's like the Excalibur effect, whomever inserts the rock into the bigger rock owns the world. How stupid. Koopa, forsees this, and has Lena captured...he now has the rock. Sweet...moive almost over? Yes it is, but first we need to defeat the big bad. Mario and Luigi escape the Tower and meet up with Koopa on his way to unite the dimensions, BUT NOT IF MARIO HAS ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT! He attacks Koopa and incidently knocks the rock out of his possesion and into Lena's....how the hell did she get free? Anyway...now she is back on the path the meteorite spot. Luigi chases after Lena, who has arrived at the meteor site. She does insert the small piece into the larger one, but then promptly gets blasted into a rock and killed. The worlds start to merge, but Luigi is on the scene! He, with a little help from Daisy, remove the smaller piece and avert a disaster.

Back with Mario, he is busy battling Koopa in a showdown of epic proportions. This is the battle we've only seen in 8-bit. Man the A-button...let the brawl commence! Ok, I hyped that way too much. Mario and Luigi acquire a de-evolution ray and begin to blast Koopa; first he turns into a T-Rex, and then a pile of goo. Epic.

Mario and Luigi return to NotSoBizzaro-NY, but Daisy elects to stay because it's her duty...blah...blah...blah. Just before the audience thinks this is it, though...Daisy rushes through the Mario Brother's front door armed with weaponry proclaiming, "You're not gonna believe this!" Whoa...is something exciting about to happen? Nope. The movie ends on a cliff note...you've gotta be kidding me. There is no sequal...there is no saving this movie. Is a little bit of resolution too much too ask!?


Hey, Wile E, while you're hangin' around, could you find us an ending for this movie?


I don't know how to conclude this rant...this movie is such an ugly scar. There is so much wrong with this movie. Even if you forget the fact that it's supposed to be Super Mario, it doesn't even qualify for a good movie to enjoy. How does the de-evolution work? What good would taking over our dimension, de-evolving it, and running THIS world into the ground too do? This movie gives us too many stupid scenarios, yet no resolutions.

But I can't leave it at that...because this is a movie that is supposed to be about Super Mario. There are a few newances to the video game; bomb-oms, references to mushrooms, locations named "Thwamp" and "Bullet Bills," but they have no relevance to the story. Instead of focusing on what drew people to the name "Super Mario," they decided to make some garbage plot that doesn't even work. This isn't even mentioning the fact that the acring in this film is not bad...it's atrocious. Every line is spoken like they were reading it off their hand...oh, except for Luigi-who says his lines like he never even reherced them. I swear..everything he says sounds like he just made it up on the spot; it's a movie, Luigi, not impov.

I've had enough...I'm popping back in the NES cartridge and do this movie justice. The credits FINALLY roll..and I can get the fuck out.

Showtime Sports! ESPN NFL Power Rankings Thoughts...

ESPN just released their NFL off season power rankings. My Eagles are ranked 4th-maybe a little high for a 9-7 team, but then again, it is explained that the rankings are derived from off season moves. Which, in that case, could justify a top 5 spot.

Here's the link for the list:

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/powerranking?season=2009&week=0


My humble, and in turn correct, opinion on noteable teams:


1. Steelers - the defending champs are returning 20 starters. It's hard not to like them as an early favorite. The number 1 ranked defense still has all it's playmakers...minus LB Foote; and let's face it, that's not much of a loss. Look for them to be a contender for the title again. My early pick for the AFC North champs.

2. Patriots - I think it's a little high. ESPN looks like they are still feeding off past Patriot accomplishments...then again, this team DID go 11-5 last season without Brady. Brady, and the defense, are what would concern me about this team. They do have DROY LB Mayo, but that secondary is still really shaky. I also know Brady is back, but I'm sorry, players don't come back immediately from a severe injury like that. But...it is still a "Hoodie" coached team.

3. Giants - As much as it pains me to say, this is the team to beat in the NFC East...if not the entire conference. The defensive line still anchors a tough defense. As long as they field that front line, this is a playoff team. Big question: Can Brandon Jacobs and Eli Manning shoulder this entire offense?

5. Colts - Is it weird that Indy's rebuilding year they are still going to field one of the most prolific passing offenses in the league? Go figure. Peyton Manning would sure love a solid running game, Donald Brown should help that. But will that Cover 2 defense EVER work out? That D isn't getting any younger...they need to find a solution, quick.

7. Chargers - Don't really get them being at the 7 spot. I understand the ridiculous run they went on late in the season, including an amazing division title win and a wild card victory of the Colts. But, still...LT hasn't seemed like the same back since FB Lorenzo Neal left for Baltimore. Rivers was the highest rated QB in the league last year, but does anyone think that him and the defense can lead the Chargers to the promised land? I don't...even with "Lights Out" returning to the defense.

8. Titans - Tennessee was an aboration last year. Their defense lost the best DT in the game to Washington, and my trust in Chris Johnson and Lendale White behind that o-line isn't exactly large. Not to mention this team's QB competition is between Kerry Collins, Vince Young, and Chris Simms...ouch.

9. Cards - Playing in the NFC West helps. I think this team still boasts the best offense, and that alone will be enough to get them the division crown. A top ten team? Well...they are the defending conference champs.

10. Panthers - I may sound like an idiot, which is pretty accurate, but this was the worst 12 win team ever. Jake Delhomme has thrived off of the success of Deangelo Williams, who is arguably the best RB in the game. But that defense is anchored by Julius Peppers: A guy that doesn't even wanna be there anymore

13. Cowboys - Screw Dallas. They should be lower.

16. Saints - Saints were ranked number one overall in offense in 2008, but their defense was on the other end of the spectrum. D was their man focus during the off season and if they can put up, at least, a top 15 ranked defense, chances are they make a late playoff push.

18. Texans - The yearly "sexy" pick goes to Houston. Most think that this is their year to prove their worth since becoming the latest expansion team in '03. With the 3rd ranked offense overall, and one of the best pass rushing DEs in the league in Super Mario, they could certainly contend for, at least, a wild card.

19. Redskins - I feel sorry for 'Skins fans, almost as much as Browns fans. They have a top 5 defense, but a terrible offense...so what does Dan Snyder do? Acquires DT Albert Hanyesworth from the Titans. Good move, Danny.

21. Bills - Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills! Will the combo of Lee Evans and T.O. help this lethargic passing attack get going before T.O. implodes the team? Probably not...but they will at least be competitive with the 'Phins, Pats, and Jets this year.

25. Broncos - They took my Eagles' FS Brian DONKins...signing a 35 year old safety was their best off season move. No, really...they drafted Knoshawn Moreno (RB, Georgia) with their first pick. Josh McDaniels came from Bill Belicheck? He's not making smart moves like it...

27. Bucs - Tampa Bay was one win away from the playoffs but failed to win a final game against the lowly Raiders. They are now in disaray after releasing all their defensive vets, and QB Jeff Garcia. Josh McCown has proclaimed himself the starter...how reassuring.

28. Browns - Good looking team...recently acquired a solid CB in Roderick Hood and finally plan to put in Notre Dame product, Brady Quinn. But their coach is Eric Manboobs...God's speed.

29. RRRRRRRAIDERS - If this team could just slow down the opposition's running game, they would have a top 10 defense; Nnamdi Asmougha is the best shut down CB in the game and they have a damn good pass rusher in Derrik Burges. Also, their slew of RBs are vastly underrated. Their problem? Establishing continuity, and of course, QB. Will Jamarcus Russell get his fat ass working, or will Oak-town have to rely on FA QB Jeff Garcia to brace this team until they find a long term solution?

32. Lions - Poor Detroit...at least they have "Bradford 2 Megatron" to think about for future years to come. They probably end up in the basement, again, but the 0-16 Lions will at least win a few games next year. I mean...they can't possibly be that bad, right?

Summer Time Movie Rants 2: Star Trek

I'm no Trekkie. I've never been a follower of the Star Trek series. I've seen a few of the episodes, but aside from that, and two movies (Nemisis and Wrath of Khan). So going into the new Summer blockbuster film, Star Trek, I was pretty much a noob to the cult phenomenom. And I must say...this movie completely blew my mind. I read a few reviews and thought it looked good...but I had no idea it was going to be as spectacular as it was. This movie was the epitimate definition of "epic" if there ever was one.

I'll be blunt, so not to waste your time, and for those who haven't seen it...I don't plan on telling any of the story because it is good-albeit generic. The movie opens up with a huge space battle...and a note to film directors: anytime you open up a movie with a space battle this big, your movie is going to be really good. Every scene draws you into the story and tells a relevant, and interesting, story about the USS Enterprise's future crew.

Oh...and a forewarning: during the movie, it is noted that these sequences take place in what is described as an "alternate time line." For the first time in history, Hollywood does not intend to rape your memories of a beloved thing.

The visuals of this movie look great. Of course most of it is just CGI, but I honestly felt that I was looking at something real. The only problem, I think, with the camera work in this movie is that damn lense flare that J.J. Abrams does in, almost, all of his stuff. It's nothing that takes away from the movie going experience, but in every fight scene it seems like the camera is pointing at the sun. Damn I'm picky...

Acting is "Spock" on. Get it? Ugh...sorry. Everything is "Star Trek." And by that, I mean all the acting is over the top. Spock always talks it that emotion-less dialect that he is known for. Dr. Lenord McCoy and "Scotty" are both so corny and hammy that it becomes just awesome. My favorite two lines of the movie happen to be "Dammn it, man...!" and "I'm givin' 'er all she's got, Cap'n!" Even non-Trek fans like me can appriciate the greatness in those lines...really good crowd pleasers. Again, the acting is exactly what one would want from Star Trek.

Although the story is really just saving the world, and nothing more...that's not the reason to see the movie. Even if you've never heard of Star Trek, get up from under that rock and go out to see this movie, NOW! It's that good...and well worth the overprice of admission. I don't know if this will end up being the best movie of the season, but it is the first great one. Set your phasors to "Stunning!"

Live long and prosper, my friends.

Old Time Movie Rants 2: Resident Evil: Extinction

Could someone name me a good video game movie? Why does such a seemingly simple concept constantly fall flat on its ass? I mean...Hollywood can't be really that inept, can they? When they write up the board for the movie and watch the drafts, don't they see how much it sucks? Will I ever stop asking the reader questions? Not until I get...*removes sunglasses* some answers.

Have you thought of a good VG movie, yet? Tomb Raider? No. Silent Hill? It wasn't too bad, but I don't consider it good. Super Mario Brothers? Fuck you. Hollywood can't get it right...that is, until Resident Evil was released. The first one, loosely based off of...uh...none of the video games, in my opinion, was a solid zombie flick. Think about it, it had a good cast-Mila Jovovich starred as Alice, and she had her crew of uninteresting, however quite effective, co-actors. The plot was nothing new; evil corporation makes a virus (titled: T-Virus...yes, from the game) that will enhance how humans live. Token douche bag thinks he can get rich from it, but he ends up getting fucked in the end. That's really it...throw in some scares, slick action sequences, and you have a zombie film George A. Romero would be proud of. Hell...even Resident Evil: Apocalypse was a decent movie; albeit, moved away from a survival horror, to an action movie. I'd still watch and enjoy it.

Of course, no trilogy is complete without a 3rd installment, so out came Resident Evil: Extinction. The first two proved good, and did well in box offices...this was naturally going to happen. And you know what, I was sucked in...I honestly thought that this would be a good movie. I'm an idiot...





I smell a rant coming. This movie is about to be...dead meat. YEAHHHHHHH!

The movie starts us off with a picture of a naked Alice...way to pull in the male demographic, movie. She wakes up and wonders around, until she realizes she's in the mansion from the first movie. Still aimlessly wondering, she scurries into the infamous laser room, avoids becoming bite sized, and jumps into a vent and out into a hospital. This architect blows...a mansion in a hospital? Talk about high healthcare costs. She narrowly avoids getting guillotined, but does not avoid stepping on an Indiana Jones trap, steps on the trap, and promptly gets shot. But, oh lucky us....she's just a clone Alice, and Dr. Isaacs is just doing test to find a cure for the T-Virus. Although, it's never explained why he is sending the Clone-Alices through a prototype Double Dare obstacle course.

The movie zooms out and shows us the desolate desert, then it's title sequence. We are then treated to a narration by Alice that tells us the T-Virus not only spread around the world and devastated the human race, but dried up oceans and destroyed plant life. How, you ask? Logical explanation how a virus that effects animals can cross over to plant life? I think you're asking too much from this movie...

We now zoom to the real Alice who receives a distress call from her radio that pleads for help. She finds her way to a run down shack, where a guy...oh sorry, that's just an ugly woman...is holding her baby, crying. Alice takes the baby...but, oh noes! It's a doll. It's a doll? A group of hillbillies pull guns on her and push her against a table, mocking her. The creepy Johnny Knoxville clone is horny, and wants to show Alice his trouser zombie. He promptly gets kicked in the chin, apparently so hard, that he is dead. The Eagles are in need of a kicker...can she play? The rednecks knock her out and dump her in their basement/room below. They gather around a hole in the ceiling, like a bunch of redneck Ceasers, as Alice struggles to break her binds...some zombie dogs are ready to attack. Wait...you're telling me these hillbillies managed to capture AND cage these rabid, zombie, hell hounds? What...did they trick them using a radio gag, too? Alice, being the token bad ass...kills the first 2 faster than, I think, even the producer wanted. So the hillbillies let all of them through and we have a good chase around the basement to some Benny Hill music. Actually...there was no Benny Hill music, but it might have made it more interesting if there was. Alice kills the dogs, and manages to cave in the ceiling...making the Hick Family dog lunch. This scene makes no sense...why would anyone do this, after the end of the world? Ugh...and what significance does this scene have? None...you idiot.

Searching for plot...error: no purpose for movie. abort...retry...fail

Now we have a cut scene to a convoy running down the road, and over the living dead. How can we possibly get scared in a wide open desert? Oh right...we can't. While the convoy douches have their discussion about "Does anyone have a smoke?" Let's quickly run down the roster of hopeful zombie food: Carlos (Alice's love interest...also plays the courageous character), Claire (Pessimistic bitch), Betty (Played by FUCKING Ashanti!), Mikey (Horror movie necessary "Nice guy"), Chase (the Cowboy), and L.J. (Token black guy). Will the non-horror, horror movie still kill off the black guy first? Let's watch...

Oh...sorry...the movie does a random cut shot back into the Umbrella facility. The holograms of the Umbrella complexes across the world have a weekly business meeting. They talk about Project: Alice and other things we don't care about. How is this a survival horror movie? Oh...I have to try and survive this horrid mess of bad acting and a boring script. Got it...

Cut shot again? Christ...we go to Alice who stops at a local Quick-e-Mart. She puts an arrow through a zombie's forehead (zombie kill 1....for those keeping count). Alice then checks the 7-11 only to find a closet that contains...a person who hung themselves. Ugh...this is scary...she has some nasty, decomposing feet. Alice braves the flies and grabs a journal laying on the ground that depicts Alaska as being "safe." Alaska is too far away from Nevada...please don't make me watch them travel there, movie. FORESHADOWING...a bird is eating the killed zombies face.

Cut shot...AGAIN! Back to the boring convoy, where El Carlos and Token Black Guy enter a hotel-notell, why? Naturally, they stealth around making awful jokes looking for zombies. Movie...why are they in the motel? Carlos and LJ separate to look for...uhh....MOVIE! Why the fuck are they in the motel? LJ finds an unlocked room, so he goes to check it...but gets attacked by a zombie. And the zombie...looks like Duke Nukem. Yeah...LJ gets attacked by Zombie Duke Nukem. Thankfully, he fights him off and kills the zombie (zombie kill 2). LJ, a guy who never watched a horror film, sits on the bed relaxed until he notices a zombie rising from the floor. He shoots but...he hits a mirror? How do you not know what a mirror looks like? It's not a fun house, idiot. The zombie bites him on his chest, but Carlos kills it before it can go for the kill. Typically for a zombie flick, no body notices the huge gash on LJ's chest. This, certainly won't come back to haunt them. Hey, by the way...why were they in the motel?


Nobody takes our brains...and lives.

Cut shot..go figure. We're back at Umbrella LLC, where Dr. Isaacs and his 2 interns tied up a zombie and begin comprehension skills on the zombie. The dead guy actually begins to complete some of the give tasks (Day of the Dead, anyone?) and Dr. Isaacs is given the new title of, "Super Genius." That title is shortly retracted when the zombie gets frustrated and breaks out of his restraints, only to brutally kill the other 2 doctors. What did we learn from this scene...? Nothing, of course.

Surprise...cut scene back to the convoy, where Mikey is handing out cans of food to the entire group. He's correctly guessing what's in each can, how cute. I hope he dies. The convoy is getting down in the dumps because Chase keeps being a douche...oh, and they are running low on gas and daylight. Luckily for them, they have found military grade equipment to create a perimeter around the convoy in order to protect themselves from any wondering zombie. Uh huh...

Cut shot to Alice...ugh...I'm getting dizzy from switching between all these locations. She reads the exposition journal, which tells the audience where this movie is headed: Alaska!


RUN! Zombie Sarah Palin is coming for your brains because she clearly doesn't have any!

Cut shot...already? Back to Umbrella where they run another worthless Alice test that tells them nothing of importance. Clone Alice gets killed by a super-zombie....next scene, fuckers.

Cut shot...Alice. She falls asleep, haves some nightmares and levitates her motorcycle. Then wakes up and it crashes to the ground. Why couldn't we have just been shown this before the cut to Dr. Isaa...fuck it, I don't care. Bottom line: Dr. Isaacs now knows Alice is around.

Cut shot...convoy. The group is sleeping, quite peacefully in fact, until some crows being congregating around them. Eerilie they stare at the vehicles, waiting for the notion to go attack. Everyone tries to be still, but a soda can drops and all the birds swarm. This inspires what might be the most expensive, stupidest, looking death scenes ever. Really...I can't explain it at all. Just watch...notice how dumb they look as they shake their heads when birds peck at their faces. This is just getting painful to watch...I don't know how much more I can take. After some stupid sequences, including the bus carrying the most people crashes, the convoy tries to evacuate. Chase mans the flamethrower on top of the oil tanker, but is attacked by some crows and points the flamethrower at Carlos, who's busy helping an extra. OH NO...NOT CARLOS! Don't worry...Alice is here to save the day. She uses her MIND BULLETS to re-direct the fire upwards, burning all the crows.


Alice can hit a yak from 200 yards away...WITH MIND BULLETS! That's telekinesis, Kyle.


Alice wakes up shortly after using her mind powers to a teenage girl named K-Mart. K-Mart averaged 20 points and 10 rebounds a game for the Nuggets this season...oh...not the NBA K-Mart? Good...Mark Cuban thinks him and his mom are thugs. Claire greets Alice, and like the cunt she is, acts like a cunt. I hope she dies. So because the movie can't have Claire on screen for more than a minute, Carlos and Alice take a little stroll down exposition lane. Then Alice's watch tells her that the satellite tracking her has, in fact, tracked her. Run! Hey...you know what's missing? Zombies. Isn't this supposed to be a movie about zombies? Forget it...

Dr. Isaacs has gotten a hard on to the fact that he has a 67% positive ID on Alice being alive. He goes to hologram boss-man to give him the good news and ask for a task force to pursuit Alice. Apparently, Boss-Man has a lot to do in the post-apocalyptic world, because 67% isn't enough for him. Right...the lone hope for restoring the world to some level of normality and he shrugs it off. Ass....

Cut shot back to the convoy, Alice has shown them her journal that she found at the 7-11. Naturally, she proposes going to Alaska. The group figures it's better to take the chance traveling to Alaska, then wonder around, getting eaten in motel rooms. HOORAY! So the Detroit Lions...I mean, convoy...is heading to Alaska. But they need some supplies. So after some careful deliberation, they decided to head to Viva Las Vegas, baby! WOOOO! I'm hittin the poker table!

Cut fucking shot back to Dr. Isaacs who isn't taking rejection well. He creates a synthesised version of the Boss-Man's voice to create a fake order to send a task force to capture Alice. End.

Cut back to the convoy driving to Vegas. I can't wait to see the city of Las Veg...ass. The city is completely covered in sand. 5 years after the civilization left, and sand drifts covered the ENTIRE city of Vegas? Fuck you...I'm not environmental engineer, but there's no way it happens that quickly. This is just lazy on the filmmakers part. In the middle of the road is a giant metal crate. The crew is ready to move it because apparently they don't know how to drive around objects, but Alice stops them. Her Spidey senses must be tingling. Alice approaches the crate and puts her ear to it, and hears...the sound of this crap plot!

NO! It's actually a horde of super-zombies that attack them all. Remember how you had to shoot a zombie in the head to kill it? Remember that rule put in place by zombie movies of past? Yeah...Resident Evil shits all over that. Oh well...they've already shit all over me, remember? I thought this was going to be good. Alice and company fight off the horde for awhile. It's the best action sequence in the movie, but that isn't saying much. Mid-brawl, Dr. Isaac and the Isaac-netts take control of Alice and shut her down. She's robo-Alice, I guess. But, to no avail. Alice fights the condition and comes for them! Conveniently enough, they are perched on top of a nearby building. Alice slaughters them all, except Isaacs...who escapes, but not before a zombie takes a chomp out of him, infecting him in the process. As the helicopter flies away, Alice hesitates shooting at it. "Why?" K-Mart asks. "Because we're not driving to Alaska...we're flying." Oh good...movie, who here has flight experience? Movie...answer the question.

Notable deaths: Chase, Mikey, LJ turned into a zombie (at a completely random fucking time) and bites Carlos. I wish I cared...but I'm kind of envying them, right now. I guess we'll have to count this as zombie kills 3-25. That sounds fair.



Leon, buddy...you don't know how lucky you are.


Back at "base," Dr. Isaacs is in big trouble. But he's too busy trying not to become a living dead. He has begun injecting himself with numerous amounts of anti-virus, but to no avail. Wow...some scientists Umbrella has; their anti-virus is complete fail. Dr. Isaacs has been sentenced to death and is shot on sight. Unfortunately for the dick heads in the base...all the anti-virus has turned Dr. Isaac into the Hulk's and The Thing's illegitimate love child. Nasty...

Back outside, the rest of the survivors (all 7 of them) have developed a plan. The infected Carlos will drive the tanker, loaded with dynamite, through the hordes of zombies which is outside the Umbrella facility. The explosion clears a path for them and they get to da 'Choppa. After everyone loads in, Alice tells them that she isn't going with. Hey, movie, you still haven't answer...who can fly the helicopter? Well...Claire is, so we'll just assume she can. Alice heads down into the facility...cue the epic boss-battle music!


Alice takes on the toughest foe, yet!

After descending into the facility, Alice is greeted by the AI system, represented by a hologram of a creepy little girl. AI Girl informs Alice that Dr. Isaacs has gone completely bat shit insane, and on top of that, her blood is the cure for the T-Virus. So off Alice goes to fight Mutant Dr. Isaacs. This is supposed to be scary, I guess. But it's not...in fact, there isn't one scary moment in the entire part.

After a brief confrontation with the Freak, Alice accidental wakes up one of her clones...who dies. That was quick. So tired of crying over herself...Alice chases after Isaacs and meets up with him in the, you guessed it...Mansion part of the facility. They exchange awful battle dialogue, and mind bullet force pushes. Alice slightly annoys Isaacs with hers, so he flings her through a wall that lands her in the infamous laser room. After some more awful dialogue, including Issacs pronouncing, "I thought you were the future...but I am the future," he gets cut into little cube pieces. But wait...the laser is heading towards Alice! With her, the cure is lost! And she is...saved. Damn it. The clone isn't really dead, and happens to know that the high-tech laser system is hooked up to a nearby lap top. She also knows what do. PLOT HOLE. Why didn't the AI system just shut it off, instead? Wouldn't that have made sense? Fuck it...who cares? Alice holograms herself to the other Umbrella facilities and threatens upon them a great vengeance and furious anger. Credits roll...finally...

This movie is bad because it's just stupid. This is not a scary movie like its earlier films. And why not? It barely counts as a zombie movie. The only real time zombies were killed, was early on in the first act. Yes, in the giant action sequence about 20 were killed...and later on another few hundred blown up. But that doesn't count, because it's not how zombie movies work. Besides, it fails as an action movie because it barely has any relative action. Most of the time the movie is too busy letting us know what each of the 3 main groups of characters are doing via dizzying cut shots. I don't care...show me a zombie movie. I realize the world is ended...so what? This is not even CLOSE to Resident Evil. There is, litterally, one cheap jump scare in the entire movie...and that is because it happened to be Zombie Duke Nukem. This movie sucks...and I can't take it anymore.

Old Time Movie Rants: Doom

Show of hands, who's played the video game Doom? For those losers who haven't, let's recap:

Doom 1, 2 (Titled, Hell on Earth), and 3 are all first person shooters in which the player (that's you) takes control of a marine and goes about destroying a plethora of demons from hell...all taking part on Mars. That's it. I mean, you can figure out more of a "plot" by progressing through the game, but who cares? Aim, shoot, kill, reload, repeat; that's it. And it is considered one of the most successful games of all time. See? Us video gamers aren't that complicated.

So in 2005, just after the release of the PC's Doom 3, Universal Pictures put out a movie to follow the video game series titled Doom. Now....would you like to know what it's about?

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT IT'S ABOUT!

Because this movie stars The Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Yeah, he plays the roll of "Sarge." I bet we're in for a breakout performance. But, that's ok. Because action movies like this are allowed to be campy. I'll let it slide, unless it happens to get too painful. So instead of complaining about who's in the movie...let's talk about what the movie's about.

But before I start...do you know what's wrong with this movie? I'll give you 10 seconds to guess...

Time's up. The problem: There's a plot. How can DOOM have a plot? Doom isn't supposed to have a plot. It's supposed to be mindless and destructive. A guilty pleasure movie...think, First Blood/Rambo movies. They actually have the right idea when this movie starts...it opens up with a bunch of scientists running for their lives, one of them getting their arm cut off, then the lone escapee calling for help. Next scene, we're in a marine locker room, where Rocky is getting orders from his commander, while the other marines line up for the opening roll call.

Perfect. Now get to the hell demons. It doesn't even have to be in first person (although, the movie previews do note that there will be a FP scene). Oh...sorry, first I need to introduce you to the cannon fodder....err...characters. In what be the MOST cliche set of names ever to appear in a movie, John Grimm aka "Reaper," Goat (Greatest Of All Time?), Duke (Blue Devils?), Portman (Vince has no joke for this name), "The Kid," and "Destroyer." That's their names...I'm not kidding. But you know what...it's better than the name given to you in the video game Doom (the joke there is that you play as a nameless character). So, to be honest, it works. So far...the cliche aspect is drawing me in...I'm hooked. What's next, movie?

Well, what's next is that the movie wastes no time telling you the story about us silly Earthlings who found a warp to Mars, called the Arc, and some fossils of the civilization that created it-but we don't know what happened to them! I know what you're thinking, "How can there be a civilization from hell?" This is the first clue to the audience that the menace is, in fact, not hell demons

Please God no...stop trying to formulate a plot.

Still holding out hope that the devil will burst through the walls of this Mars science facility and crush all of them, the Marines are given order to eliminate the threat and retrieve the super-secret data. Convenient enough, John Grimm's sister, Samantha, is a scientist here and has been given the duty to download the data. Still no sign of a fully developed plot...so we're in the clear for now.



Please, oh Prince of Darkness...be in this movie and layeth the smackdown on these jabronis!

On the Marines go into the heart of the facility to take on anything that comes their way. They all make their way to the proverbial "safe room" where the marines split off to search the premise, while Reaper and his sister bicker over the re-opened dig that, apparently, claimed their parent's lives while they were young. Samantha shows off the prize possession, a bunch of humanoid bones, that apparently have a 24th chromosome. This supposedly made her Super-Human. Great...is anyone getting the hint that Resident Evil and Alien had a love child, and this was it? Fuck this is going to be painful...

The Great One leads his diligent crew around until he stumbles upon an extremely fast shadow who makes the marines give chase. The Shadow turns out to be the guy that called for help at the beginning of the movie, Dr. Carmack. And he looks like shit. The dude is so scared out of his mind, he rips off his own ear and is carrying around the lady's arm who was ripped off early. I guess the Devil started to sing.


The movie then shows Portman screwing around with the Kid, freaking him out so much that the young rookie needs some drugs to get through it. Why would the marines, knowing they are going on a mission this dangerous, take someone that could become a detriment to the squad? Why don't movies like this make sense? Next to develop a trait we don't care about it, Goat, who gets scared and says, "God damn it." He then proceeds to cut a cross into his wrists. 10 bucks say that neither of these aspects have any relevance to the plot that shouldn't be in the movie.

The confused crew carries Carmack's sorry carcass to the proverbial safe room to examine him. Carmack begins to freak out and mumble inaudibles in what might be the worst filmed scene of all time. He doesn't look like a man that is slowly being corrupted, genetically, by a synthetic chromosome. No....he looks more like an old guy who just saw Megan Fox naked.

Side rant...This is where the audience gets the first look at the movie's token "stupidest future invention:" the nano door. The nano door is the most ill conceived way to enter or exit a room this side of the spinning door; except much less fun. With a simple code input, then pressing of a large button...the user will liquify or solidify the pathway to the door. Do you realize how unbelievably stupid that is? In a science lab where anyone could walk through it and accidentally be caught while it was being closed? Ugh...moving on.

Reaper and Goat are off and about in a animal testing area where they get a few cheap scares thrown at the audience, before a rat-eating doctor charges the 2 and promptly gets the business end of those assault rifles. Not to be outdone, Destroyer and Sarge Rock get spooked by sounds coming from a vent...acting like a trained killer, Destroyer investigates, gets scared like a little bitch, and destroys the creature with his chain gun. What was the terror? A monkey. Truly these are the finest men for the job! But wait, Sarge notices that the blood dripping from the vent is already clotted. Oh god...I'm thinking the directors never played the video game. Hell demons do not zombies make, damn it!

Before you can even react to the idiocy going on, Reaper and Goat, once again, give chase to another rabid doctor. It's doctors gone wild! They blindly chase and shoot after like they were trained to do, I'm sure. And track it into a sewer. Is it ironic that the marines are going to be wallowing knee deep in the movie? Of course, keeping up with it's ratio of minutes of footage outside of safe room, and minutes of footage inside, even at 1:1, we find out that somehow the dead Dr. Carmack revived and disappeared. How did he disappear...there's only one way out?! Never mind...I'm sure this won't come back to haunt them. Back in the sewer, the mutated doctor stalks the crew, until it gets a hold of Goat. FINISH HIM...by sticking your tongue penis in his jugular vein? "See, audience? We're not a rip off from Resident Evil, our non-zombie creatures don't bite!"

More inconsistent shooting later at the safe room...Dr. Mutant Carmack attacks Duke and Samantha, but plot-conveniently, they capture him in the nano door. I guess it isn't the only way to get in or out of the room, because the rest of the crew takes the dying Goat to the safe room and, somehow, misses the creature's carcass frozen in the doorway. Goat dies and Carmack is shot in the head. Good...we're thinning down the crew faster than in a Friday the 13th flick. The faster they die...the faster I'm free.

The Marines decide it's a great idea to get the fuck out of there...so that's what they do. But not before Samantha has the most random scientific breakthrough ever. She discovers that the monsters are actually selecting whom they penetrate with their tongue penises. That C24 (Chromosome 24) will corrupt those with malice genetically coded in them, and give those with good genetically coded in them super human capabilities.

Sarge gives the order to set the Mars station to self destruct, then get through the arc. Once back on Earth, shoot anything that is still alive so the threat isn't released out into the rest of the world. I agree....kill them all, then yourself. Please roll the credits. Of course, Sarge goes on a killing rampage, ignoring the warning from the Siblings Grimm that not everybody is infected with RE:Clone24. In about 3 seconds, Sarge goes from main character...to antagonist. Nice character development, movie. The Kid has a conscious, and the Rock quickly checks him into the smackdown hotel via a bullet through the frontal lobe. Uh oh...I bet this isn't foreshadowing what kind of chromosomes he has. Then out of fucking no where, a huge horde of TOTALLY non-zombies rage at the crew. They get chased behind a nano door, Sarge hits the button and the highly expensive military equipment breaks like it was Triple H's glass jaw. Naturally, the nano door doesn't close immediately (I told you it was fucking stupid) and still allows the non-zombie hands to grab the Sarge's ankles...and...drag...him...wait, is the movie actually taking a chance by killing off the Rock before the resolution?! Wow! Of course, this feeling of victory is shortly lived, because the movie ruins it by having the Rock proclaim, "I'm not supposed to die." Thanks movie...taint licker.

Reaper, who got hit by a ricochet bullet, is bleeding out which would leave Samantha to fend for herself. But, of course, she has a great idea. She injects him with C24, announcing that she knows he won't turn into a mutated creature. Yeah right. C24 for some reason knocks out Reaper for about 30 random seconds...which is just long enough for Samantha to scurry off and get into some shit. But, whoa...here we go! Reaper gets up and we are now in First Person Mode, baby! It's like playing a game...but a movie. It's like the Full Motion Video fad all over again! Reaper kills everything in sight...which turns out to be a pretty cool effect, before he meets up with the now infected, but not yet mutated, Sarge. Play the final showdown music, ring the bell, this is about to be a slobber knocker. And by slobber knocker, I mean one of the more boring last fight scenes ever. The two exchange wire fighting maneuver blows before Reaper gets the upper hand, opens the Arc, and sends the Sarge through. The finishing move? He throws a grenade through the warp and it blows the Sarge up. Kinda anti-climatic for what is supposed to be 2 super human...zombie...mutant things. Samantha is carried out by Reaper in the most insensuous of ways and the credits roll...we're finally done.


Doom was failed from the start. The exact second that it was noted it would not be hell demons, but infected Resident Evil zombie knock offs, the movie was doomed (excuse the pun) from the start. There should have been NO story, besides killing hell demons...then shoving a grenade up Satan's ass. That's it. Instead they go with this overly complicated, but somehow still mundane, story about extra chromosomes and mutations. It's not even that the plot doesn't make sense....it's that the plot is stupid. They aren't supposed to be zombies! They are supposed to be demons who shoot fire balls. And why was the first person moment so emphasized? It only lasted about 2 minutes, and it wasn't all that good. I know they couldn't have done an entire movie that way, but maybe emphasise it a little more if it's your selling point. Doom is boring...sluggish...and down right annoying to watch. A better way to spend your time: Play the superior video games. Do it...NOW.

Summer Movie Rant 1: X-men Origins: Wolverine

So I miss tearing down fanboys dreams and beloved icons. Like, the Final Fantasy 8 series, for example. I hate RPGs to begin with...but that game is so loved by SO many people, and I don't even get it. That game blows.

Or how about sports fanboys? All those Cowboy, Stealer, and BoSawks fans? Where do they all come from? How can you be from Jersey and like the Sawks and Cowboys? How the hell does that work? Buncah front runners...fuck 'um. Oh boy...someone get me my crazy pills, when I start to rant I tend to blow up the world...where's the Vault?

I was thinking the other day about the last time I went to the theaters, with J.J., and checked out the new X-Men movie (read: atrocity), X-Men Origins: Wolverine." Honestly...after X-3, which reminded me of a love child between the Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Shit and Superman Returns; boring, nonsensical, and convoluted...I was less than thrilled about the release of another X-men flick. I mean, how many times can you rape my childhood? Don't answer that...it's rhetorical. When the proposition was offered, "Hey Vince, you wanna go check out that new X-men movie" I wasn't totally opptomistic because I knew...I KNEW...it would suck. You could feel that it would be bad, there was just that underlying feeling that you would walk away into this movie just expressing how much more shit was just spewed outta Hollywood's fat ass.

But...it was better than talking about Man-Ram on steroids, and I wasn't paying for tix. So I was in.

The movie opens up with little Logan (or at this point in his life, Jimmie) lying ill on his bed with his brother, Victor, keeping him company. Their father barges into the room and gives the strangest of look to Victor, as if he will some how de-evolve after this movie is over into some sort of mindless henchmen. How silly of him to think. A comotion down stairs leads to the father to investigate, but, oops, the intruder shoots him down with what seemed little provoking. Logan gets up and is, rightfully, infuriated. This animal like rage sends him into comic book pose #1 and he unleashes his bone claws. Oh God...the bone claws. Even in the comic book that made no sense...actually there's a lot about Wolverine's character that I hate...why do I like his character so much?

Oh well...Logan impales (How?) the shooter, but comes to realize that the man he just killed is his...dramatic pause...FATHER!



This sends Lil' Logan running out of the house in a panic, into the dark woods. His brother follows him, noting that they have to "Stick together." Foreshadowing. They scamper off from the authoroties and hounds...hey, movie, seems like a good time to run the opening credits.

Some kick ass credits roll showing the brothers fighting in World War 1, 2, Vietnam, War of the Worlds, the war between Kratos and Zeus, and Obama's war on capitalism.


Sorry...that was unnecessary.

Actually, this is where I think the directors missed a huge oppurtunity. I mean, this is supposed to be about Wolverine's origin...why not tell us all about his teenage and young adult years? Yeah...don't spare me the details about his life as a lumberjack guys, thanks. Swing and a miss by Gavin Hood.

Movie continues in 'Nam, where Victor goes bezerker on his own camp after a woman he made nookie with wants child support payments. Ha! If I was Victor, I would have gone The Comedian on her. Take that, bitch! Regardless, Victor doesn't like that fact that his camp isn't appriciative of homicidal maniacs killing innocent people (damn liberals) and ends up killing his fellow officer-an act punishible by getting popped. Of course, Logan and Victor are 2 indestructable creatures and are just thrown into a jail cell while everyone questions how the hell they aren't resembling a Philadelphia resident at the moment. William Stryker finds the two in the cell and recruits them to join his secret, black opps-esque, group of military personnel...made up entirely of other uninteresting mutants.

The plot thickens!

So with little explanation why, we are now en route to Brazil, apparently trying to find a rock that is made up of something Stryker wants dearly (coughAdamantiumcough). So we get to meet some other characters that I hope meet their demise like they were starring in a Saw flick. They infiltrate this compound with little resistance and boring means. I mean, here's the run down:

-Zero (Random Asian guy I've never heard of and am not told what his powers are) jumps around and shoots a bunch of henchmen. I guess his powers are Wire Fighting Abilities.
-Frederick Dukes (Yes...the to-be Blob) shoves his arm up a tank cannon, and at the same time Physics' ass, and the tank explodes.
-Bolt controls an elevator
-LookslikeDeadpoolbutisnt has a 20 second sword/bullet action sequence and fights his was through the piss poor guards
-John Wraith (Played by Fucking Will.I.Am!) makes sure that Brazil drug lord doesn't move
-Wolverine is barely in any of these shots...nice.

So Stryker wants to know where Brazil Drug Lord got the paper weight rock on his desk, and he leads Stryker to a small village of natives. Instead of trading off the location of where the rest of the adamantium material is for a casino, Stryker threatens to begin killing the village people...unfortunately he's about 30 years to late. Wolverine, being a man of virutes, wants nothing to do with this, and walks away from the best thing going for him. Virtues isn't looked highly upon, and his comrades take his departure as a betrayal.


Damn it all...why haven't they been murdered by mutants, yet?

So now Wolverine resides in Canada...the fuckin' Commie...with a wife, on top of a cliff side, in a cabin. How did he pull that off? Meanwhile, in the not-so-relaxing location of a carnival, Bolt does a light bulb trick that only idiot teenagers pay a dollar to try. Victor agrees with me, and decides to justifiably slaughter him. Thank God, now get the rest of those bums...actually, if this movie would focus more on more Mutant killing action, and less lumber jacking, it might be good. Some foreshadowing that Logan's wife is a mutant later, Wolverine discoers that his wife has been brutally murdered by his own brother to, and I'm quoting, "Get his attention." Thanks, brother. So the two have a sissy fight outside a bar and Sabertooth (that's his name from now on...) takes the role of Appalachian State and whoops up on Wolverine. Cue the Kill Bill theme...this is a story of REVENGE!

Wolverine has come to the realization that he needs some sort of advantage to beat his brother, a sort of advantage that only HE can endure. If only if he could find someone connected to military SCIENCE that was just as committed to fucking logic up the ass. Insert Stryker, who doesn't look aged...just looks like he forgot to apply some "Just for Men." Speaking of...why is it that NO ONE has aged? The other mutants that we later re-encounter haven't aged at all!? Wolverine and Sabertooth I get...by why does Will.He.Be look the same age after a decade? Whatever...screw consistency. Stryker takes Wolverine to his secret SCIENCE lab and injects his body with the adimantium. After being assured that Wolverine survived...he orders that he be killed and taken to the Weapon X program. Go figure, Wolves...the weasel military guy betrayed you. What a plot twist! So Wolverine slaughters them all and escapes down a water fall.

Side rant...aside from the fact that his bones CANNOT be replaced with metal by just simply injecting the material into Wolverine's body, the question needs to be asked: Why did Stryker give him the adimantium? I got the weapon X project...but Logan's powers are self-healing. HIS METAL CAN'T BE PASSED IN HIS DNA! What purpose would giving the indisctruable man the most durable material EVER, thus making him even more indistructable, possibly have? It makes no sense...it doesn't, and you know it. Don't fight it.

So Wolverine runs butt naked across the country side where he runs into an old farm couple that, for no logical reason, take him in. That's ok...logic is for pussies, anyway. Logan gets fed, but not before investigating his new claws via the WORST CGI effect ever. Really...I've seen Wolverine costume accessories more convincing. The next morning, the couple pretty much make him their new son. Wow...I'm actually beginning to like these two grounding presences in the story. Very...*gun shot*. Scratch that...they are both killed by the no-powers Zero. Wolverin has another boring action sequence and it ends with him killing the talentless Asian. Thank God...now kill Bill.You.Are and the movie can end.

Next up, Wolverine actually DOES visit Will.I.Am. Wow...my wish is coming true!

Side rant 2...what doped up casting crew decided Will.I.Am was the way to go? He is a no-talent musical artist who has the acting talent of a pillow. Worst of all...his character has a southern accent. Chew on that for a second...tastes like the first time you gave head, don't it? Nasty. Fuckin' morons...why not use Nightcrawler? He actually WAS in the Weapon X project. They are both teleporting mutants! It's not like it doesn't fit...THINK!

So after some drinking some exposition beer, Wolverine has to question The Blob for answers about where Sabertooth and Stryker are. The island? Where's the island? Well...to find that out Wolverine has to box with Fat Bastard. Really...why didn't they just put Mike Myers in fat suit and cast him? It might actually be entertaining...so Wolverine finds out he has to go to New Orleans and meet the guy who fan boys have been beating off over for 3 X-Men movies now.

Fucking Gambit.

You know, I just got what's wrong with these expositions and characters...there's no connection. All these characters can just be interchanged with anyone else. Think about it...Will.I.Am for Nightcrawler, Zero for Anyone, and Gambit for well...ANYONE! He's only there for fan service, in fact...this is what Gambit does:

-Blow up and alley way...and throw some cards (cool effect, though)
-Provide exposition airplane.

Oh...I forgot to mention, Sabertooth pulls off a Mortal Kombat fatailty and basically rips out Will.I.Am's spine. Best thing to happen to music until Soulja Boi is Donte Stallworth'd.


Boom Boom Pow...bitch.

So because Gambit stopped Wolverine from ending this painful thing...I mean, killing Sabertooth back in New Orleans, he feels obligated to help finish this thing off by flying Wolverine to the Island. Hopefully, Tattoo and Mr. Roarke will be the ones welcoming Wolverine. Upon arrival, Wolverine pretty much walks right through the military compound and discovers Stryker preparing the mysterious Weapon X. Through some boring diolague, we discover that Wolverine's wife is *GASP* still alive. 10 bucks says she is killed later. Through the most see-through scheme of all time, Stryker has set them all up to complete the puzzle needed to create the ultimate mutant exterminator. My guess is that The Governator, and international punchline, Arnold Schwarzenegger, is the real Weapon X. Wolverine and Sabertooth get into again, but not before Wolverine throws in comic book pose #335 then proceeds to completely whoop his brother's ass. With the chance to finish him off, Wolverine supresses his animal-side and does not kill him. Instead, he helps his wife free her sister...oh, and the other mutants.


Wolverine's "Animal" side, thankfully, left out of this movie.

Needing to wrap up this movie, the not-completed robo-Deadpool is released and begins fighting Wolverine. They drag their fight all the way atop the faux nuclear reactor in what is a pretty damn impressive fight sequence. Sabertooth joins the brawl and helps his superior sibling eventually defeat Deadpool...ending with his decapitated head falling down the middle of the faux nuclear reactor, continuously shooting the forever-going Cyclops eye lasers. Finally...I couldn't take that abomination that they used in place of Deadpool. Deadpool is not a victim of a botched plastic surgery, damn it.

Ok...credits roll, movie over. Ahh...fuck, I forgot. We have to find out a way that Wovlerine loses his memory. So how does it happen? Sabertooth knocks him silly? No. Experimental brain surgery? Nope. Electro-therapy? Negative. Getting shot in the head with an adamantium bullet? ding ding ding. You are winner!!!! Yeah...the military scientist uses complex algorithms to come to the conclusion that is a garuntee that the bullent will not kill Wolverine...no, it will give him a migrane that's so bad, it makes him lose his memory. Fuck me, this a stupid movie. Oh right...the escaped mutants meet up with Piss-poor CGI Professor Xaiver and they go off to Never-Never land. Thanks for that resolution, movie...I needed that.

So Wovlerine gets leaves Fantasy Island with a plot-convienent memory loss of about an hour and a half. Suck...my...dick. How does this movie make any kind of sense? I should have brought a note pad to write down on the non-sensical plot points. So much of the movie is inconsistent with the X-men reality...and this is coming from someone who PREACHES striving away from source material when you need to. Really, think about all the problems with the movie:

1. It's never explained why Sabertooth de-evolves from a well-spoken, self-driven individual...to a mindless, animal-henchman.
2. A bullet to the dome doesn't cause amnesia
3. Too much CGI...and most of it looked like shit.
4. Characters had no auidence attatchment. I dare you to show me a subsequent character who's role was not inconsequential and could have been replaced by anyone. I DARE you.
5. The train wreck that is Deadpool. Aside from the fact that he wasn't even that large a contributor in Wolverine's comic book series...he looked completely ridiculous. Just think about this: His swords come from his wrists. Ugh...
6. For an action movie...the action sucked.
7. Fuck it...this movie blows.

For Christ's sake, the rant is over and I can go to bed. While I'm dreaming, I'll come up with a screen play that's twice as good as this crap. I swear I can. This movie blows...and fuck you if you don't agree.