Showtime Sports would like to extend a congratulations...

To Mark Buehrle




Buehrle threw the 18th PERFECT...yes, EL PERFECTO game...in major league history. His name will now be remembered forever and in the same conversation with the legends of the game. From an avid baseball fan, Mark Buehrle, Congratulations!

Movie Ranting 9: Knowing

Have you ever been bored, broke, and unbelievably delirious at the same time? I have...that's the only rational explanation for me even considering to watch this movie. Let's mark off all the things that will sink this movie faster than a boat hitting an ice cube:
-Nicholas Cage is in the lead roll...ugh...
-Nicholas Cage is in a Sci Fi thriller...
-A National Treasure clone + more at stake x Nicholas Cage = 3 week old garbage

Still, I found myself standing at the Red Box picking this movie because for some diluted and unknown reason to myself, I thought it could be good. I thought that it might just bend the bracket and invent something interesting in the Sci Fi genre I have yet to see. I honestly don't remember the last time I was THIS wrong regarding a movie. And you know what the worst part is? This flick tries to convey a religious theme. So this movie tries to pitch subtle religious anecdotes to the audience? Great. Let's play a game...I'll try to depict these symbols throughout the rant and you try to pick up on it by the end. If you guess right, you'll win one free chest slap...courtesy of yours truly. Knowing what I now know about Knowing, I wish I didn't know a damn thing about Knowing.

The movie begins in the year in the year 1959 with this off beat little girl, who looks like she needs to get some sleep, staring off into space with some eerie whispers in the background. Very creepy. This little girl's name is, Lucinda - a 6 year old basket case. Lucinda's class has a plan to do something for the future, and Lucinda's idea has been selected by the school - keep that in mind. The idea is for all the children to draw a picture of what they believe the future will look like. Most of the children draw beautiful pictures of robots, flying cars, modern advances that would make the Jetsons green with envy. Lucinda, of course, is your basic creepy girl and she fills the entire sheet of paper up with numbers. Silly girl, binary code is just ones and zeroes. Regardless of her teacher's disappointment in Lucinda's choice of pictures, the paper is placed in the time capsule, underneath a 8-point star emblem. I hope you're paying attention to detail...there will be a quiz later.

Although the celebration is a joyous one, Lucinda goes missing, and her teacher realizes it. Naturally, they go a-lookin' for her. Her teacher stumbles upon Lucinda inside a closet, in the school basement, carving out numbers on the inside of a door with her FINGER NAILS. Holy shit...are this little girl's nails made of adamantium? Lucinda is creepy...she shoulda gotten the nod over that Grudge movie little girl, she's much more of a freak...just sayin'.


Yeah...you can suck someone into their own hoodie, but can you carve numbers into a wooden door with your nails? Didn't think so...hack.

The movie transitions to present day by looking down upon the Earth from, what one could assume, is outer space. SYMBOLISM! After a tortuously slow moving introductory credits, we finally meet up with John Koestler (Cage) cooking on the grill and looking through a telescope with his son Caleb (Chandler Canterbury). Let me weave you a depiction of these two on screen: aggravating. John is a pompous astrology professor at MIT and his son is a vexatious little brat. Caleb's character doesn't seem to fit the roll of a 12 year old, but more of a 20 year old; he plans on becoming a vegetarian, is much too logical for a pre-teen, and although I liked his rebellious attitude towards his father, it has become a nuisance. Typical...I bash the two main characters not even 20 minutes into the movie, I'm too cynical.

John goes to his son's bedroom, where Caleb is enjoying the Discovery Channel. John mentioned earlier that "It's just us two out here," insinuating that it's just him and his son searching for other worldly life - it was meant to be dry humor, but I guess Caleb didn't get it because John has to explain his meaning. See? What child thinks like this? We find out that John doesn't not believe in a Heaven, or any other purpose or determination in life. He is, in a sense, a creationist. This will be touched upon later...for now, we get a cutesy little hand gesture and transition to the next morning.

John is lecturing his class and begins to discuss the differences between determinism and creationism. In a nut shell, he describes determinism as the belief that there is a purpose for us being here. That everything has a reason for happening. Creationism, in his words, is simply just a random set of events that have occurred to lead up to an event. There is no purpose, just an arbitrary chain of events. Now, before I continue...the movie is off on both accounts. John, as stated, is a creationist because he does not believe there is a purpose to anything. That's fine, but for an MIT instructor he must think I don't know a thing.

He states that determinism means there is purpose, but this is incorrect because as far as we know only humans can ascribe purpose to things...i.e...the most we can deduce is that dogs do not put a meaning to the water being in their bowl, they just drink from it and want the water. Humans, however, will ascribe a purpose to that cup holding the water; we want the cup to hold the water so it makes the consumption of the water less difficult. Just because there is a causal relationship between one thing and another does not mean that the cause has a purpose. If you trip and fall, sure the thing you tripped on is part of the cause of your fall, but there was no purpose ascribed to what you tripped over. If you were to look at it beforehand, it had no reason for being there. It is in hindsight that we desire to find a reason, and attempt to understand by refer a purpose. The movie assumes an originally ascribed purpose, which is the primary flaw in the entire line of reasoning of the movie, and it is never addressed.

John then states that the alternative to determinism is random chance, and he even mentions "random mutations" as if to put evolution by natural selection as part of the opposing side of his previously declared dichotomy. This is, again, absolutely incorrect because evolution is deterministic, there is a causal relationship between the change in allele frequencies. If you accept determinism, it is absolutely absurd to state that mutations in an organisms are actually random. There is proof to evolution, and that proof certainly does not point to natural selection being a game of chance. To sum it up, the movie's most highlighted inner conflict has been tainted by the fact that it can't even get it's own ideas straight.

Class is dismissed...do your homework, because there is a test on Monday.


Good news everyone! Professor Nintendo Head is finally going to shut the hell up!

Ugh...professor John is a cynical bastard, that's what's wrong with colleges these days. He dismisses class after he has an epiphany that he doesn't realizes he doesn't have any purpose in life...loser. Afterwards, he meets up with his buddy and college, Phil. Phil tries to talk him into coming over to dinner with someone, but John's parenting duties call and he has to rush over to his son's school because today is the 50 year mark since the time capsule has been put in place. The capsule is picked up and all the students are given the pictures drawn 50 years earlier. All the children receive those precious and beautiful pictures of the kids from 5 decades ago, except Caleb, that is. He receives Lucinda's numerical page. That's boring...he should scribble scrabble over it with crayons, don't you think?

Later that evening, John notices that Caleb brought home the paper stating that, "He thinks it might have some sort of secret meaning." What kid knows about numerology at 12?! John gets intrigued by it later on, after a drink no less. Actually, I think John has a bit of a drinking problem. Does he go to class every morning hungover? Maybe that's why he zones out. After spilling a drink on the paper, John notices an odd sequence of numbers, "911012996," or "9/11/01 2996." What significance does that have? The attack on September 9th, 2001 killed 2996 people. Crazy, huh? John, being the rationale guy who doesn't put a purpose on to anything begins to analyze the entire sheet's sequence of numbers and use the Internet to research the dates and events. As expected, the page is filled with dates of tragic events that killed many people - describing the date and amount of casualties. It's a good scene and does a sound job of pulling you into the dramatic discovery made. Of course, Nicholas Cage not having to say a line in this sequence REALLY helps that.


DrunkBum John sez, "I dun wanna hear ur crazy conspiracy theories. I just want anutter beer."

The next day John heads to work and confers with his buddy Phil that he is, in fact, a lunatic. In order to try and suppress that crazy feeling, John heads Miss Taylor (Lucinda's teacher) who is still alive to ask her some questions about the little girl. Ms. Taylor describes that day when Lucinda wrote all those numbers on the paper and that she had to stop, then later she found Lucinda scratching at the door. Fat lot of good that did you, John.

Later that evening, John is still trying to find out some answers, when he notices that Caleb is outside talking to a mysterious man in a car who gave Caleb...*dramatic music*...a black sedimentary rock. Those fiends! Didn't John ever teach his kid not to talk to strangers? Maybe he should stop hitting the bottle and being so cynical so he can parent, once in a while. Alcoholic. But, the family issues have not ceased. No, in fact they are about to get worse and I believe this is where the movie begins to loose sight; right at the start of the second act. John's relative (niece, daughter, sister, cousin? I don't know...the movie isn't clear) Grace arrives and begins to vaguely give us some back story insight on how John does not like his father...who happens to be a pastor. Does he not like him BECAUSE he is a pastor, or just because he's got some daddy issues? Actually, on second thought, I don't care. Why is this scene in the movie? It dilutes it and tampers with the, up to this point, steady flow of the plot. I don't like Grace, anyway. She's an uppity scunt. Screw you, Grace, and your relationship to John.

That evening, or...later that night I guess, John is watching the Depressing-News searching for an event that will take the lives of 81 people, which is pointed out on the sheet of paper. He passes out and does not awake, presumably, until later that afternoon when his son calls and asks for him to pick him up. He's a dead beat dad, an alcoholic, and a sort of a cynical careless bum. Either way, on his way to pick up Caleb he gets stuck in traffic and is presumably ready to make amends with Phil and take him up on an offer to go out Friday night. That is, until he notices an oddity on his GPS, the coordinates read out a sequence of numbers that matches the numbers on the piece of paper. The numbers that he didn't circle before, are the GPS locations of the tragedies. Oh shit, John...the event is going to happen where you're at! As John is talking to a police officer about the accident, a passenger plane comes tearing through the skies and crash lands at the field adjacent to the road. It's quite a gruesome scene, depicting people burning and screaming, what throws me off about it is the reactions from John...they don't seem to match what he should look like. It's hard to explain, really, but it just doesn't seem normal. Still, as guessed, 81 people die in the crash. If there was any doubt, it is gone now: the paper is for real.

John arrives home a complete mental and emotional mess. He ensures Caleb does not find out about the accident because...well...just because, I guess. After ordering Caleb to go to bed, the boy throws some sort of, "I'm not a kid anymore" crap. Is the movie trying to establish something here? If it is...the flick is doing a piss poor job. John has an emotional break down, but that's ok...he's got the boose to help him forget!


Got a lil' sorrow in ya? Just drink those memories away and hide them deep inside your subconscious. You can be: Captain Repressed Memory.


Caleb is sleeping, but then waken by a shadowy figure in his room who points outside. The child looks outside to see that everything has been burnt and is being destroyed, even the wild life trying to flee. NO! NOT THE MOOSE! You bastards...how dare you harm the moooooose!


Those sons of bitches...Bullwinkle will thoroughly PWN their asses for this douche-baggery!

After his son screeches in fear, John runs to his side to reassure him. Reassure ME that the moose is ok, John! But, wait...John notices a shadowy figure in the forest and runs out side to scare him off. It actually looks like a Jason scene, but before you can say "che...che...che...ah...ah...ah" the scene cuts away? That's just stupid editing and lazy writing. Now it's day time, and John and Caleb are in a car out front of Lucinda's daughter's house. Stalkers. I'm not kidding...they track her down, then follow her to a museum, where the mother and daughter are going. This is getting weird, I get the feeling John is going to ask this lady to "Put the lotion in the basket." Aside from John on the verge of pulling a Kobe on this chick, he tries to pry information out of her about her passed mother, the creepy little girl from before, Lucinda. The woman, Diana, like most people does not take kindly to being asked by random strangers if her mother was a certified freak. She ups and leaves, leaving John still at square one: oblivious to what is going on.

I don't blame Diana for ditching John, Nicholas Cage reads his lines like a robot. I guess emotion is for the weak! What bugs me about the scene is that Diana seems to jump off the handle at an odd time in the conversation. Wouldn't natural human curiosity at least guide her to reading the sheet of paper? I mean, how else could this complete stranger know what he knows? Strikes me as odd, is all.

John's smart-pants degree and gig at MIT is leading him to no answers, so he decides to become more involved. He sends Caleb to his annoying niece (daughter? sister? Whatever...) and researches where the next event will take place. It just so happens the event will take place at a crowded and typically busy intersection. Wow...Lucinda really hated New York, this is the second threat to this regional area in this many days! Our hero figures it would be nice to warn someone, so he calls up the FBI from a pay phone and tells them where the attack will take place and that it would be wise to shut down the corner. The following day, John makes his way to the location and finds that not only is it not shut down, but there isn't any kind of federal involvement at all. Yeah fuckin' right...on the news, John heard that there was the threat of an attack on American soil, which obviously means the FBI is on the look out. Then a mysterious stranger, calling from a pay phone, warns them of where the attack will occur and the FBI doesn't take any action? Blow me. This isn't a continuity issue...it's a lack of common sense issue.




After asking a cop why the corner hadn't been shut down, John takes off into the subway in order to avoid getting questioned by some other officers. Hiding amongst the crowd, our hero spots a shady fellow hiding behind one of the columns, and then running away with something in his hand. Clearly this is the would-be attacker! A very boring and choppy chase scene later, we find out that the shady looking fellow is not concealing a bomb, but a few illegally gained DVDs. This is why John is a teacher, and not a CSI; his intuition blows. While they are all getting a ride on the train, a malfunction in the tracks derails the train and slams into another loading area. It's actually a disturbing, and impactful scene...the movie does this very well. Too well, because it is actually difficult for me to watch. John had the right place, but he should now learn that these events are not just human-imposed, but are also by random events. The unpredictability is what makes it scary.

The tragic event leads John to the last place he can turn for any kind of answers, back to Diana? Yeah...after hearing about the event and John being involved, she decides to aid him uncover what the hell is going on. In order to unveil this mystery, John, Diana, and the children head back to Lucinda's house; a small cottage in the middle of the creepy woods. They leave the kids in the car, and fart around the house, rustling through anything that could tip off what was passing through Lucinda's young mind. After a small trip down memory lane with Diana, John stumbles across the "Profit Ezekiel's Vision of Merkaba." This is an illustration of what Ezekiel (a renowned profit) saw, depicting a fiery creature, a floating wheel, and what appears to be Jesus in the heavens. All of which will play a roll later on in the movie.


The image of relevance!

They pocket the picture, and move on to the bedroom. There they find another one of those black rocks...actually, quite a few. That's not the most important revelation, however, as the children in the vehicle are being surrounded by those shadowy figures, whispering inaudible, and characteristically, eerie things. Feeling curious about why the rocks are under the bed, John flips it up to see what is written on the underside of the wodden frame. It turns out that the label "EE" on the paper does not represent one person...as the bed has "Everyone" engraved multiple times on it. The perverbial end of the world. A horn erupting alerts John and Diana, as they dash out to the car to check on their kids. John spots one of the shadow figures, grabs his gun, and chases after him. He finally catches up and demands to know what he wants with his son, the seemingly human only responds by opening his mouth and flashing an illuminous light at John. The fuck? Did he eat a projector? Well...regardless, the paper hasn't been wrong yet, and it predicts the END OF ZE WORLD will happen tomorrow. You guys need to lighten up...here, have some comedy:



With the end of the everything uncertainly approaching, John notices Abby drawing a picture; it's a recreatment of the Ezekiel illustration, but this time with the sun being emphasised around God. John darts over to MIT and reveals that the sun is about to let off a huge burst of solar radiation that will destroy the Earth. It's very ominous and, again, the movie does a good job of delivering a good scene...certainly, my problem with it is not on the basic film making layer.

The demise is approaching, so the crew decides to try and gather supplies to hide in a relatively hidden cave. John calls his father, whom with he hasn't talked to in a while, and warns him to relocate somewhere safe. His father is a devout Christian and decides that if it is his time, he will not "fight the Lord's will." Ok then. Frustrated and ready to go, John calls for everyone to gather their things and leave. Caleb, however, is not responding. He is upstairs writing down more cryptic numbers on a sheet of paper. Weird...but if the world is going to end what's the point? I dunno..whatever. John has an epiphany, though, and instead of heading for the hills, he goes to the elementary school to take the door that Lucinda engraved numbers on. How does he know it's the door, anyway? Hello...I have a feeling this last act is begining to unravel. John uncovers the 50 year old numbers, but is too late to tell Diana and the two kids about it; they have already departed. Hurry, John, you have the location on where to go!

Diana has become an emotional wreck, but that is no excuse for mediocre acting. She stops at a convinience store for some gas. While getting into a go-nowhere argument with John on the phone (Yes, he has the only working cell phone in the world), the car is stolen, along with the chilrdren, by the shadowy people. Diana steals another car...most illogical, and promptly gets t-boned by a truck when trying to run a red light. She gone. This is getting some kinda weird Final Destination vibe. Not really feeling it. Anyway, John has a sentimental moment over Diana's death, and then proceeds to the destination of Lucinda's old house in the creepy woods. That's where all of this is going down.

John locates the epicenter of all this happening, not to mention his son and Abby. So...what is the big revelation? The Shawdowy-Whisper people are, in fact...uhh...aliens? What? It's difficult to explain, but I guess the most simplest explanation is that these figures are, in fact, angels. I guess angels ride in space ships. Apparently, they have been sent to get the two children (Caleb and Abby) to "Start over." Huh...well, way to break the paradime of what we all think angels should be. These guys are douche bags, John is not allowed to follow his son to this new place. Only the "Chosen ones" can go. These "angels" turn into some kind of energy/higher being form and take their kids into the space ship...leaving the other 6 billion residents of earth to die. Thanks.


Dramatization:
-"You see our space ship, that shit is a Dodge."
-"I though we only drove Christ-lers?"
-"That joke is from the devil...let's get off this planet, this place is a dive."

As the world is going to hell in a hand basket, due to the madness of the situation, an odd song that doesn't fit the scene at all plays with John driving to his father's home. The scene is much too sureal for me to even explain...just take my word on it, it's fucking weird. Either way, it has begun, the sun destroys the ozone layer and ignites the ground causing a firey wall of death to engulf everything in its path. It's a good looking scene...but oh...it doesn't make a bit of fucking sense.

TRANSITION! We are now in...uh...unbenounced location, with Caleb, Abby, and the hundreds upon thousands of other chosen kids. They all run gracefully towards a large tree that, obviously, is an allusion to the Tree of Knowledge from the bible. So...does this make this the Garden of Eve, Heaven, what? TELL ME! Ugh...


This movie isn't horrible, per se, but it is far from good. Some people this movie has a strong first two acts, I think those people are out of their mind; this movie blows from start to finish. Am I asking to much to have my movies make sense? Because this one certainly does not. There's some unanswered questions and resolutions that really don't explain a whole helluva lot. What do the black rocks symbolize? Really...they are around whenever someone dies, so is it some kind of marker of death? I don't understand. It seems as if the director rushed the final part of the film, especially, because the story sputters and any kind of clever plot developments kind of sputter off into obscurity.

How do the children carve the numbers, so easily, into tough wooden pallets? It's not a plot hole...it's just something that bothers me.

Oh...and the creationist propaganda, let's not look over that. This movie is all about proping up the fact that they are alluding to Christianity with certain plot points. That's nice, but it leaves a lot to be desired. Mainly, what's the point of destroying the Earth? At least in other movies there is some sort of connection to why us silly humans have to die, take a God awful movie in The Happening; we are harming the Earth with our pollution and the plants have begun to kill us off. Yeah...it's completely idiotic, but at least it's a reason. This movie NEVER gives a reason for the destruction of the planet. Which, correct me if I'm wrong, is the entire point to the film...even the damned movie is telling me it doesn't have to be here. I mean, is it a "Noah's Ark" kinda deal? Our world has been too consumed by evil? But then, why kill us all off? Why not try to show us the err of our ways; not all of us are terrible people, Shadow-Angels. And the angels...ugh. They ride in a space ship and are cold hearted. Didn't God say he wouldn't do this to us again? You make me angry...


You conspire against me? The God of War?!


Just sitting down and watching this movie, it won't make you think...it will make you hurt because, clearly, the director didn't give it enough thought. Cage's acting does not make this thing any better. Avoid it like the plague, and Ben Roethlisberger in a dark alley. The credits have rolled...and I cannot take another second of pain.

By the way, did you play along? Did you get everything that was symbolical? Good...what you found has no purpose, no value, and you will win nothing. To cash in your prize, send 20 dollars to my Paypal account and provide a valid credit card number. Enjoy.

Movies That Made Me: Pulp Fiction

As I whine and complain about all the terrible movies that I have suffered through, I feel as if I lose sight of what movie going is all about. Even to my cynical and critical brain, I of all people should not lose site on what watching a movie is supposed to be like and what emotions it can make you feel. So, in order to bring a sort of balance to the universe (or, my blog in this case), I believe it is time to view and discuss an enjoyable movie. Just to take pleasure in the potential influence that movies have on us.

I do not plan to go into as great a depth as I do with my Movie Rantings, if only because there is just so much you can rejoice the prominence of films before it becomes redundant. Instead I will give my perspective on the movies that have shaped me and give a critical analysis of the film. Instead of ranting, I’ll channel my inner Roger Ebert and give an non bias review of it. With no further a do…Movies That Made Me.

What better way to kick this off then with the best piece of work Quentin Tarantino has ever done, Pulp Fiction.

Pulp Fiction defies logic. It’s a violent, vulgar, and all around insulting movie. It has corny dialogue and a non linear path to tell a story. And still…it is one of the greatest works ever. This movie don't smile for no pictures. It is a different kind of monster, and that’s what gives it the character that makes it memorable. Tarantino never makes a boring movie, he can make a bad one, but never a boring one. He’s like the Kurt Cobain of movie making; even if the instrumentals suck, you can’t help but still listen because of the ingenuity. Not to hype this movie up anymore, but it is so similar to Citizen Kane that it just has to be good.

The first chapter starts off with Vincent Vega (John Travolta) and Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson) driving to work. These two are hit men that work for mobster, Marsellus Wallace (Ving Rhames) and are sent to an apartment to collect a valuable of Marsellus’ from a group of wayward, criminal young men. The scene is so transcends a great deal. From the allusion of Huckleberry Finn and his buddy Jim discussed how foreigners can understand each other, transformed into what they call a quarter pound hamburger, with cheese, in France. “A royal with cheese,” of course. You have to remember the conversion to the metric system. Following one of the more memorable scenes in cinema history, in which Jules recites the famous "Ezikiel 25:17" line, Vincent and Jules kill off the teens, and the chapter closes.



Does he look like a bitch?!

Vincent is ordered by his boss to take out Marcellus' Wife, Mia (Uma Thurman), and make sure she has fun. This leads to one of the stranger scenes I've ever watched. Vince and Mia share an odd conversation, before she demands they win the dance contest...and they do; they win a dance contest in a 1950s themed restaurant. It's surreal to see it because of just how damned weird it is. And I love every minute of it. Still, it's not a movie without drugs and after taking Mia home, she gets into the coke and accidental over doses. Panicking that Marsellus will have his ass, he rushes her to a close friend of his to help revive Mia. A frantic and tense scene filled with an angry wife, a little black medical book, and an adrenaline shot leads to Vincent having to shove the needle into Mia's heart and wake her. Guys, it's in your best interest to make sure Marsellus never knows of this. By the way, you wanna hear a bad joke? 3 tomatoes are walking down a street, papa tomato, mama tomatoe, and baby tomato. Baby tomato lags behind and papa tomato gets really angry about it, so he goes back and squishes him, then says, "Catch up." Get it?

As odd as that scene gets, it is still nothing in comparison to the scene in which a boxer named Butch (Bruce Willis) has a flashback about how he got his prize possession: a small pocket watch from his father. Who else could tell this story better than Christopher Walken? His father hid this watch up his ass during the war in order for it to not get taken by "no commie scum." So Butch holds this watch dear, and before he can leave town for good with his lover, Fabienne, after stealing money from Marsellus. Tragically for him, he forgot the watch and has to go back for it. The next scenes are so weird because it consists of Marsellus chasing Butch into a junk store where the owner turns out to be a racist, closet homo, rapist. I couldn't make this up if I tried. Butch ends up escaping, and contemplates leaving Marsellus to live out the last of his few hours taking it in the back door, but decides to save Marsellus. Just...watch...



Zed's dead, baby, Zed's dead.

The situations are not just outlandish and creative, so is the dialogue. Most movies simply use the dialogue to advance the plot, Pulp Fiction's characters fall head over heels in love with their lines. Every word seems to inch its way out of the actor's mouth with such passion and powerful presence that it makes it memorable. That's what makes the characters, all of them, so unique: Vincent is laconic, Jules is precise, Mia is a living, breathing soap opera, Butch is bold. All the chances this movie makes are what makes it so much fun. This film doesn't just tell you a story, it draws you into the story and pulls you in multiple directions. Every time you tune into the flick, you will notice or like something new about it. Tarantino seems to take all the bland movies on the shelves of a video rental store, combine the best of every genre, and pump steroids directly into it. I'm not going to go over every scene, because my words could never do this movie justice...but if you have never experienced this movie, you have to. Sit down, buy it, and just sit back and enjoy; Pulp Fiction defines what easy watching is all about.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go find my "Bad Mutha Fucker" wallet.

Movie Ranting 8: Transformers

The year is 2007, the anticipation is high. Another childhood blockbuster remake has been released into theaters and people were excited to see a vamped up version of the 1980s toy line, Transformers. You know what? It was a huge success. #1 in the box office for a time being, grossed tons of money, and was regarded as a great film in the minds of fans.

Those fans are fucking morons.

This movie is not only bad, it was bad AND successful. That's the worst kind of bad for a movie if not for the only reason that they will make a sequel. And you know what? They did. Michael Bay continues to churn out shit-tastic creations of cinema and make a killing. Why? Because YOU people continue to go see his abominations of film making; paying for the tickets and DVDs are what continues to feed this monster. Some people consider this movie good...give me your hand, children, and I shall lead you into the golden gates. Allow me to show you the errors of your ways. Transformers does not deserve your praise, and in commemoration of the new dump of a movie that Bay released the other week in, Rise of the Fallen, I feel the need to destroy this movie.

Now, I swear guys, I don't pick on Shia Ladouche. It just seems that every movie he's in gargles balls. It's not like I have some sort of weird vendetta against the guy from a hauntingly bad Disney show years ago, or anything...


I haven't forget, bitch!

With that out of the way, get your fanboy hats on, your "fuck this blog" t-shirts going, and let me grab some hard liquor...the movie is about to begin.

Optimus Prime opens up the movie with an exposition about a cube that can create life, and a battle that has been ongoing for a long while over this god-like cube called the All-Spark. After the introduction, a helicopter approaches a military base stationed in Qatar and is refusing to adhere to the commands of the commanding officer to change course. The mysterious chopper lands on the base and is immediately surrounded by military personnel. Surprise, surprise...it's a Transformer, and it begins laying the smack down. This is Michael Bay's bread and butter...giant robot creating a bunch of explosions, people running around like maniacs, erratic camera movements...yeah, this is definitely a Bay film. The robot is running a complete muck, until...the scene ends and plants us into the front of a high school. Way to completely jar us from a frantic all-out scene to this. Ugh...

Here at, Unknown location High, we get to meet the main character Sam Witwicky. Sam is a tool. His grandfather was an explorer who surveyed the Artic Circle and Sam has gathered his grandfather's utilities to do a school project. Of course, instead of properly completing the project, he decides to auction off the tools. I swear, not only does he mention that he has listed all the items on eBay, he is actually standing there trying to hustle off his grandfather's junk to his classmates. Fucking idiot. Although his teacher should fail him, Sam talks his teacher (who is played by Peter Jacobson AKA Dr. Taub from House) into giving him an A-. What teacher would do that? Sam didn't even give him a blow job or anything...he just upped his grade after hearing Sam's pathetic story about having to get an A to get a new car. Stupid. Anyway, Sam's father picks him up and with the news about Sam's hard earned A, goes to buy that whip.

I would like to note, we aren't even 20 minutes in and I already have a problem with this upcoming scene. Sam and..uh...Dad, go to a use car lot (Bernie Mac is the salesman...sweet) and scope out the options. Slim pickings to say the least. Luckily enough, a beat up Camero catches Shia Ladouche's eye. Now, just minutes before, we see the Camero drive itself into the lot and park itself. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, that would mean that Bernie Mac does not in fact own this Camero. I'll type this slowly so the movie can understand: You...can't...sell...a car...if you don't fucking own it! You can argue that I'm knit-picking, but face the facts: if Sam never gets this car the movie doesn't happen. I'm counting this as a plot hole just on the pure stupidity of it. As expected, Sam gets the whip and is on his way.


Burt Reynolds says, "A Camero looks like it can kick your ass, a Trans Am will come over and do it."


Jon Voigt, who plays the Secretary of Defense, gathers a bunch of no-names to analyze some sound to try and track the attacker. He also gives us exposition that transitions into our other running plot line, the March of the Forlorn Soldiers. Captain Lennox (Played by Josh Duhamel) and Sergent Epps (Played by...oh God...Tyrese Gibson) are the two that we are supposed to give a damn about. I don't, hopefully the robot comes back and blows them to hell. A man can wish, can't he?

More jarring shots lead us back to Sam and his Nameless friend heading towards a gathering at a lake. Sam's buddy, I swear this happens, gets out of the car and climbs a tree for no reason. I don't fuckin' know why. Sam meets up with Trent and Mikaela (Played by Megan Fox). Trent is, how do you say, a grade A douche bag. A stereotypical jock that wouldn't know an algorithm from his ass hole. After some stupid banter and insults between him and Sam, he decides to leave. I'm beginning to get a feeling for 2 things one, this is seeming like a damn teen movie and two, will this scene have a point outside of establishing what Michael Bay thinks are plot points? Doubtful. Trent is ready to leave, but makes the mistake of insulting Mikaela...ugh, what a skanky name...and she walks off. Sam, being the tool that he is, makes his buddy get out and walk home. What?! House, what's the golden rule of friendships between guys?


Damn right.

After Tool Box Sam dumps his friend, he picks up that whore Megan Fox and the driving scene is not only awkward, uninteresting, and fails to evolve our characters above the level of American Pie, but just plain not enjoyable to watch. That's not even mentioning the fact that Megan Fox makes Shia Ladouche look like fucking Johnny Depp. She can't emote one line without sounding like a complete fucking moron. Ugh...these are our main characters! Being the awkward character, Sam's car breaks down. Mikella, apparently, knows how to fix cars so don't worry Sam, she's on it. And, yes, trying to watch Fox read lines that have to do with a car's engine is completely laughable. Of course, Michael Bay figures most guys aren't listening to the dialogue and by this time might as well just show Megan Fox pose half nude on the screen.


Michael Bay really showing off his producing skills from his Playboy porno days, guys...hey, maybe this picture will get my blog some more views!

Sam drives her home, makes sure he nails that "More than meets the eye" line and thankfully ends this Chinese water torture of a scene. It hurts so bad guys...we're only 30 minutes in.

Because this movie is into running countless plot lines at one time, we are now aboard Air Force One. Here we get one awful George Bush joke, followed by the worst display of security ever. A small robot begins hacking the U.S. military secrets - I guess you can do that form Air Force Once...doesn't really seem plausible - and goes unnoticed for a few minutes. That is until someone finally figures it out and the Secret Service gives chase to the little rat-bot. The Secret Service guys have a worse shot than the LAPD because they fail to even damage it. Also, Transformers can now turn into any kind of machine, because the little rat-bot turns himself into a small CD player and the guards walk right by him. I guess random CD players are quite common in high-security computer mainframe rooms.

The army dudes are getting the shank in this movie...just sayin'....they aren't in many scenes. Sam is sleeping after a hard day's work of acting like a dorky tool, but is waken by the sound of his car starting and driving away. He chases the car into some kind of junk yard, where he sees his Camero turn into a giant robot. Impressive. That is, until Sam is chased by 2 guard dogs and then promptly arrested by some douche bag police. How did anyone miss the 80 foot tall robot? Oh...right...Michael Bay wills it.

By the way, I'm not trying to rant on every scene...but they are so impossibly dumb, juvenile, and base I can't help it. I'll try harder. Back at the Pentagon, we see a meeting called by the Secretary of Defense. Maggie, one of the people who discovered the sound that the evil robots made, inputs her own idea that this hacker is in fact an organic system - which is why they cannot track it or destroy the virus it implanted. Of course, this is an absurd idea to the Secretary and he dismisses her quickly. Huh...woman thinking they can deduce complex problems; get back in the kitchen, broad.


Here at Chronicling of a Nintendo Head, we support sexist jokes!

Oh...but I'm not done with the idiocracy. Next scene we meet back up with Sam who is at the police station being interrogated by the most unprofessional cop ever. This scene is so stupid, MY rights were violated. Just take my word for it, this cop would not have a job after this. Christ...movie, I get you are trying to give some comic relief, but every character so far has been nothing but. Eventually, you either have to take yourself seriously, or man up and put the tag "comedy" next to the genre description. Fuck...are we gonna get another random jump shot to the next plot line? You're an idiot if you say, "No."

Back in the Middle East...yeah, quite the leap, we meet back up with the survivors of the Qatar incident. They get ambushed with a Transformer that was released by the one who originally attacked the military base. This is actually an effective scene, and the first one that is really enjoyable, aside from the painful jokes. The soldiers fight off the robot and are returned to the States for debriefing. Maggie, having gotten a look at the beast behind the attacks, decides that there is only "One person who can hack this." So she, get this, steals highly sensitive government information and takes it to her buddy, Glen (Played by Anthony Anderson). How STUPID is this woman? If this is the only guy who can hack it, tell the fucking Secretary of Defense this so they can bring him to the Pentagon! Hello...McFly, anybody home? THINK! Obviously, the SWAT is there in seconds and they are both taken into custody.

Back with our intrepid hero, Sam, his car has mysteriously returned. Scared out of his mind, he makes a desperate run away from the Christine-like vehicle. Sam escapes his car, and is then confronted by a cop car. But this cop car is like no other, because it Transforms into another killer robot. Sam, dude, it just ain't yo day. This Transformer demands that Sam hand over his grandfather's glasses. Remember, he put them on eBay so all the robots can see them. Sam somehow escapes, and collides with Mikaela; they both get a ride from the Camero and the epic chase scene ensues. Gotta love the fact that the chase must have been going on for hours, because it changes from day time to night time by the end of the scene. Continuity shot out the ass. After a weird chase sequence, Sam and Whore are kicked out of the car and the two Transformers have a huge epic battle-fight! I'd say it's really cool...but the camera is so shaky, I really can't tell who is kicking who's ass. I guess the Camero won, because the other robot just goes away and the Camero invites Sam and Mikella to go for a ride. I suppose this is what we are supposed to accept as developing characters, but I just find it stupid. Oh...and about an hour in, what the fuck is the plot? Fighting robots? Did Michael Bay blow up the script, too?



Oh...I almost forgot, this blog post is sponsored by GM Chevorlet and President Obama. While driving in the piece of shit Camero, and that whore Mikaela makes fun of the car's appearance. So, now introducing the new government mandated 2008 Chevy Camaro!


Buy Chevy because it's in Transformers!

Back to our regular scheduled rant...

So a bunch of asteroids, presumably containing Transformers, crash land at random locations. You'd think highly advanced organisms would be able be a bit more subtle than this. Of course, now it's time for Plug the GM Cars. All the Autobots (good Transformers) take the form of various vehicles and meet up with the Camaro (Bumble Bee), Sam, and Whore. They have a talk about the plot at exposition Dark Alley; Optimus Prime explains that they need Sam's grandfather's glasses because, well...it's important. After battling on his home planet, Megatron (Leader of the evil Deceptions) lost the All-Spark, but was able to track it to Earth. By an accident that the writers don't feel like properly explaining, Megatron crash landed and was frozen under the ice. Sam's grandfather accidentally discovered, and then activated this highly advanced robot's navigation device and Megatron imprinted the coordinates to the location of the cube on the glasses. Ahh...so the glasses are a plot device. But, how does someone accidentally activate an organism's navigation device? This thing is supposedly so much more advanced than anything us humans can comprehend, yet some bum can step on its finger and make it work. Not to mention, why did it project onto the glasses and not the rest of his face? Or anywhere else for that matter? And another thing...earlier in the movie, Sam mentioned his grandfather went insane after an event and for the rest of his life babbled on about some giant robot. Did none of the other explorers see this 10 story tall creature?


Searching for answers...error: plot down the shitter.
abort...retry...fail

Before we can continue with this riveting plot line, though, we have to follow up with our felon pals Maggie and Glen. Bay must have thought people would dig racist jokes, so he put in Glen's character to be as stereotypically black as possible. Maggie rationalizes with the FBI guys, and then the scene ends...proving just what I said, Michael Bay wanted to make a few black jokes and then proceed to get them off the screen quickly. Nice...I guess we just don't have enough comic relief in this movie.

The Autobots follow Sam home because he needs to find the glasses. Naturally, hilarity ensues. Guys...what the fuck is this? How does no one see giant fucking robots outside their house? It's like a lame as sitcom routine. Ladies and gents, welcome to Hangin' Wit Sam 'n Friends! Sam's mom makes a masturbaiting joke? Oh, I'm in stitches! A bunch of giant robots are hiding outside the house? Oh my...this is hilarious! Well, I guess the government isn't a fan of sitcoms, because they send out the big guns: Sector 7. What's Sector 7? Well, it's lead by Agent Simmons (Played by John Tuturro) and I guess it's a super-secret government agency that deals with extra-terrestrial shit. And, yes, it is the most laughable fucking scene up until this point. John Tuturro mails in the most hammy and awful of performances including the flashing of his "Do what I want and get away with it" badge. Remember kids, Sector 7 takes nasty shits on your Constitutional Rights! Clearly, the writers had nothing better to come up with besides this stupid fucking idea. Sector 7 guys take the lot of the Witwicky family, and Mikaela, into custody.

En route to...uhh...wherever, the Autobots decide they need Sam and hijack the Sector 7 convoy, freeing Sam and Mikella. I don't know why they didn't free the parents, but I'll assume it's not at all important. Please end this scene...so after some of the most diluted dialogue this side of Battlefield Earth, Bumble Bee pisses on Agent Simmons; followed by Mikella having Agent Simmons take off his clothes, for no particular reason, and they all just walk away. You read that right, Bumble Bee PISSES on the government agent, and then is forced to strip down to his boxers. I'm wishing the the Transformers would have just crushed him...John Tuturro's performance is so hammy, overwrought, and melodramatic it's sickening. The Smooth Criminals think they have gotten away with their heinous crimes, but au contraire, one of the sly Sector 7 ("S7" for simplicity reasons) agents was able to capture the entire conversation on the phone and relay it to their headquarters. How fortunate. Within minutes, the heroes, Optimus Prime, and Bumble Bee are fleeing from the government. Those fiends!

Quick question, oh God of the Transformers world, you have the ability to transform into a tractor trailer, yet you chose to carry Sam and Whore like you are King Kong. Why is that? Wouldn't a truck be easier to, not only taxi people in, but elude people searching for giant robots? Something to chew one, Optimus.

After a dull chase scene, Bumble Bee, Sam, and Mikella are captured. Aww...the sad music and whimpers coming from Bumble Bee as he is getting frozen are so sad. I guess this is supposed to be a depressing scene. Naturally it's ruined by Tuturro acting presumptuous, again. Douche-nozzle. The good news, the plot is still intact! Optimus has lost 3 allies, but gained the highly sought after glasses. Celebration!

Back at the Pentagon, the Secretary of Defense has been informed that a virus implanted on the computers has disable virtually all communications. He is also briefed from another S7 agent about alien life that was encountered on Mars. Transformers on Mars is the next Summer blockbuster, I'm calling it. Oh...and regardless of their crimes against a government official, Sam and Mikella have now been let go and recruited to...uhhh...help out the fight against the evil robots. What could two bland teens possibly contribute to a government defense tactic? Are they going to over act all their lines to the enemy? I'll go with that.

After some cut shots that wearely wrap up the million plot lines and tie them all together, including the characters, creating a shit ball of a story...Tuturro brings his newly acquired agents to the Hoover Dam to inform them about what they're up against. Why? I ain't gots no clue. But he opens the scene with the line, "What you're about to see is totally classified." I'm gonna re-write that, "What you're about see, is total bull shit. Michael bay asks you believe it to be the truth and don't ask any questions."


Always read and understand the signs.


The government has kept Megatron, the Transformer that Sam's grandfather discovered, frozen and hidden from the world. The most powerful Deceptikon we know about to date is put on ice and has been completely incapacitated for generations. Not only that, but he has been used to reverse engineer all of today's modern technology. Actually, I'll give the writiers credit...that's kind of creative. Still, I find it hard to believe NO ONE would ever no about this. It's just too big to not ever discover.

Oh...but I'm not done with the idiocy.

Sam and Agent Simmons have a pissing contest over what to call Megatron and what his motives are, until Sam informs them that he his after the All-Spark, or the giant fucking cube the government has also commendered. Yeah...no shit. A 12 year old could have figured out that the giant, energy producing cube is what the meanacing robot is after. Ugh...we're not done. A demonstration of the cube's power is in order, so they take a cell phone and use the energy from the cube to turn the cell phone into a minature, rabid, robot. How the thing got a machine gun, moving parts, and missles is far beyond what even my addle-brain can comprehend. Hey...if the All-Spark can be used for good, how come everytime it comes in contact with an electronic the machine turns evil? Stupid.

The Deceptikons begin to drain the power from the Dam, thus start thawing Megatron. Uh oh...what to do? Well, although it's obvious to everyone watching the movie that you release the NON-HOSTILE robot to help you out, the S7 dolts disagree. That pertinacity is short lived when Captain Lennox puts a gun to his chest. Good call; that's the first smart thing the military has done this movie. After Bumble Bee is allowed to warm up, they take him to the All-Spark where he...shrinks it? Right, a Michael Bay plot device has to be portable.


Ahhh...there goes Bay's plot device movies, now!



Right...back to the unfreezing of Megatron. He wakes up and begins running a muck inside the dam. Run! The main military personnel follow Sam in his Camero, fleeing the Dam. They just beat out a deterimned, and enraged, Megatron screaming out of his former prison. Although they meet up with Optimus Prime, the rest of the Deceptikons give chase on the freeway. Prime gets into a fight with one of the bum Evil-Bots, but that's short lived 'cause he shoves his sword down that robots throat. Truly he is God. Hey, God, if you don't mind...this thing is starting to run a little long; mind if we wrap it up here? I mean...you have the cube, can we please begin the final fight between Megatron and you?

Well, that which I wish I recieve. The crew arrives in...a crowded city? Why? I don't understand the military logic, here. Why stop in a populated city? Ugh...I feel my anger rising...

Following an attack from Starscreen, Bumble Bee is left injured and hands the cube to Sam. Yeah, good...give the ever-so-important energy source to the squishy meat bag that is Shia Ladouce. The military begins firing everything at the tank Transformer...who ever he is, and the just-landed Megatron. I really can't tell what's going on. Is the camera man an epilleptic? This is annoying. And trying to depict what is going on through this blog is becoming increasingly difficult with this desultory editing and camera work.


This is the equivelent to watching these final scenes. You're welcome.

Being the brave hero he is, Sam is given the task of taking the All-Spark ontop of a building and then getting into a hellicopter to be evacuated. He almost cowards out, but is reminded by Lennox that "He is a soldier, now" and is even given a good luck kiss from his Whore girlfriend. This is so cliche it's making me ill. Sam just went from dorky, out of place, teen to a fucking super hero who won't be stopped by ANYTHING. Book it.

Oooo...a big robot fight has begun! Megatron and Prime have begin to duke it out, Transformer style and, once again, I'm sure it's the coolest looking and most technologically advanced CGI to date, but too bad I can't tell what the fuck is going on. The only thing I know, is that all these innocent by standards could have been evacuated, but the collateral damage is going to be REALLY high.

Back with Sam, who is still running. He gets some help from two Autobots and finally makes it to the building where he tries to flag down his ride, but is met at the top by Megatron. Things are getting a bit dicey, Sam, what are you gonna do? Choose to hand over the cube and live, or risk your life for the aliens? Yeah...like you don't know the answer. Sam refuses to give the All-Spark to 'Tron and is knocked off the building. He screams in fear, but, why? Doesn't he know he has God on his side?! Of course Prime saves him, how dare you question his all-mightyness.


Optimus Prime bless you.

Prime states that he will sacrifice himself if he cannot defeat 'Tron, but think about it...wouldn't Megatron still be alive? Is he not the only one who can defeat him? Optimus, don't do it...it's too self-less and counter productive! In fact, Prime is beginning to get his ass kicked and demands that Sam put the cube in his chest. Sam, however, doesn't like that plan and shoves it into Megatron's. Wait...what? Yeah...Sam just killed Megatron and destroyed the All-Spark all in one fell swoop. Are you kidding me? How in the bloody hell could he have even concieved that idea? Is Megatron's chest always open for things to just absorb into it? If this was possible, why wasn't it done earlier? It is apparently so easy to perform, why not just fucking do it in the first place?! I swear to God I just went insane...it just happened. I can't take this fucking movie anymore. You got it: the world is safe, the Transformers live amongst us humans on Earth, and Shia Ladouce is going to bone Megan Fox. There's your conclusion...I just saved you 20 minutes.



Transformers is one of the most insipid, malignant, juvenile movies I've ever seen. It's not enjoyable because the action is so painful to watch, or just boring all together, that it's not even worth watching for the giant robot fight-aspect. The story isn't "laughably bad," the story is a tremendous disaster the likes in which no one has ever seen. So many plot lines that are just created, for no other reason then to just be there because the movie needed to be longer, aren't even resolved. They are just tied into the main line and we are given a, "Yeah...just go with it" excuse for believing in all this. And...let's not forget the GAPING plot holes. Sam shouldn't even have been able to buy the car, the Deceptions can input viruses onto the most complex of computers, but cannot place a simple fucking bid on eBay, S7 can do whatever the fuck it wants, the cube is virtually the most worthless piece of techno-crap ever conceived, and Michael Bay's glorification of the military is disturbing to watch. I don't hate this movie...I loathe it. I wish that it would be the treatment the E.T. for the Atari 2600 got: dump those worthless things in the desert and bury them.

But you know what, I'll give the movie some credit for sort of rekindling that old Transformers feel: a sell out movie that had no purpose other than to, not really entertain, but suck money from the viewers. Let's face it, even the cartoons were almost as bumbling as this movie was. The animated movie, more so than the cartoon series...but it was still completely ridiculous. The difference is the fact that they were 1980 cartoons...this is a 2007 live action flick; I expected something different from the movie as a 20 year old, than I do as a child watching a cartoon. Although they are comparable in a sense, a resemblance of a story should have evolved, and it never did.

But ya know what? You can like this movie...go ahead. Melt your frontal lobes away with this garbage and use the excuse, "It's a good action flick." I call shenanigans. This movie blows. And you know what? So will the sequals it's bound to produce because YOU people will continue to make movies like this a hit. The credits have rolled and I can't take another minute...I need to go watch something competent; any chance Resident Evil will be on TV tonight?

Showtime Sports...The Man-Ram Experience has begun

EDIT: Youtube took down the previous video 'cuz they are pussies. This is from dodgers.fandome.com.

Check out this, from the Dodgers/Mets game from 7/7/09. Manny Ramirez over exaggerates his displeasure with this iffy call. The ball was a bit outside, but it was close enough to call a strike. Besides, when you cheat, your strike zone becomes bias. Courtesy of NovaBBall20 (No, I don't know why he put "Right Round" on the vid) and MLB.com.

So it has begun. Just like he did in Boston, Manny has already begun quitting on his team just a few games after being reinstated. After the game, he said during his press conference that he was going to be taken out after 5 innings, anyway. Joe Torre, however, was not aware of Manny's early departure from the office. This event, by itself, is no big deal. But in the large picture of things, it's huge. Just look how he trots out to left field; his body language suggesting a lack of even caring. He knew he was gonna get ejected for it.

L.A. fans might not look too deeply into this, but trust me, I know all about problematic stars on one's team. When T.O. had that outburst in the 2004 match up with the Steelers, I should have seen what was bound to happen with him. We all know what happened after that. This is that same kind of deal. It started off with Manny beginning to do annoying, but harmless, things in Boston. Eventually, the team grew tired of him and how he continued to quit on his team. I don't blame them one bit...after awhile a player's ability can no longer over shadow his personality problem.

Enjoy your run now, Dodger fans, for this is a warning to you: Do not invest a great deal into Manny. Much like the superstars before him, his "Manny being Manny" act will become tiresome and he will be dealt away. You might think athletes like this will change...but you couldn't be more wrong.





If you have a sports related story you think needs a little more touched upon, hit me up on the comment wall. Mention "Brett Favre" or "Michael Vick," however, so help you God...thanks in advance!

Playing with my Wii: Super Mario Strikers Charged

A few months back I was playing Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, which is a damn fine game by the way, yet I got tired of it. I needed a fast paced sports game that could entertain me for a while. Then I remembered about a game for the Gamecube titled Super Mario Strikers; it's basically soccer on steroids with Mario characters. Naturally, I had to pick up the Wii version of this game, and damn...it did not disappoint.

This isn't FIFA, by any stretch of the imagination. Let's just get that notion out of the way right now. In fact, it is never referred to as soccer, they have "Kritters" not goalies, and they don't use a soccer ball - it's called a striker ball. What is addicting about this game is the arcade-esque game play. Games are so fast paced and hard hitting, you have to really be on your game to win matches. I'll try to explain the basic concepts: first off, it's called "Charged" because they added a charging concept from the Gamecube version. The best way to score is to continually pass the ball around to your teammates and, subsequently, charge the ball; when the ball turns to a bright white color, a shot will be faster, harder, and have a higher success rate to beat the Kritter. There is also a new charge system for each character. Sidekick character (I'll explain in a bit) will use a specific skill shot that will have a high success rate of scoring, or incapacitate the Kritter, making a rebound score easier. Captain characters, however, use a Mega Shot as their charge shot. The Mega Shot is based off of a meter (similar to the old Madden Football kicking meters) where the power, or amount of balls shot, is measure followed by the accuracy and speed. It can be a huge game breaker because a player can score up to 6 goals with one shot. WHOA!

Let me quickly touch on the side kick characters, including Koopa, Dry Bones, Shy Guy, Birdo, Monty Mole, Hammer Bros., Boo, and Toad. Each character has specific traits, for example, Koopa is a balanced character: he is quick, has an average shot and his skill shot will incapacitate anyone who gets in the way. Hammer Bros., however, is slower but has a devastating shot ability and if his skill shot is done at a reasonably short distance from the goal, it will be an automatic score. A team is made up of 4 players, with the ability to completely customize the 3 sidekick characters.

Now, for the captain characters. Those are Mario, Luigi, Bowser, Bowser Jr., DK, Petey Pirahnna, Daisy, Peach, Diddy Kong, Yoshi, Wario, and Waluigi. Each character, as mentioned, does a Mega Shot for their charged shot. However, each character can acquire a special ability that can open up the game just as much. Mario, for example, will become giant and crush everyone around him. DK uses a thunderous crush to knock back any player around him. While Wario...well, Wario farts.


To...victory?

The game, for the most part is fun, furious, and fast paced. However, there is an issue with the game: the frustrating difficulty. When playing the campaign mode on the normal setting, you will completely demolish the opponents in the first two cup tournaments. The third cup...not so much. Not necessarily because the game is hard, but because at points in the game, the computer decides you aren't winning. I don't care what you do, how good you are...you're going to lose. Think, Madden franchise mode when you are 13-0 and the game decides that you can't go undefeated and stone walls you on every play. Except this is a fast paced game, and with only 3 minute matches, it can get out of game very quickly. This is a big problem, if only because it can put many people off from the game. But I fought through all the annoying playoff rounds (in which, if you lose, you have to re-do the entire season to qualify for the tourney again) and finally won. The only downside? After beating it on the Expert mode, the game rewards you with nothing more than the 3 unlockable characters (Diddy, Petey, and Bowser Jr.) that you can unlock on Normal mode. I guess I just wanted the bragging rights.

Anyway, let me wrap this up because I feel it went on too long. Let me just say that you need to play this game with some buddies, or get good and play online (yeah...it works online and it's fun). It's a great fast paced sports game that will entertain you for quite a while. Pick it up, by now it's a really cheap title. Now if you'll excuse me...I gotta go finish playing with my Wii.

In memoriam...

Steve "Air" McNair
1973 - 2009

Shortened Show Blog...Lupe Fiasco's "Shining Down"

New Lupe Fiasco tracks.


Your new tracks have been rendered irrelevant. The King of the Nerds has returned. FNF Up & Away! I can't WAIT for his new CD. Lupe is the absolute truth.

Playing with my Wii: The Conduit

So I was in the process of working on 2 OTMR blogs, then I remembered the new Transformers flick was coming out. So now that one just got pushed up on the to do list. But I have to take a break from awfulness. I must par take in something competent. Not to take any kind of thunder from J.J., but I am a Nintendo Head. Please excuse my prolonged absence, now, let's talk video games.

I have a new addiction: playing The Conduit. The other day, I dropped by Game Stop (2nd time this year, I'm already over my 1 per year limit) and was planning on picking up Resident Evil 4 - Wii version. Well, conveniently enough, they had the Conduit still in stock. How could I resist? I picked it up...and haven't put it down in a week. Yeah...I'd say it's pretty damn good.

I'm not going to give you some in depth review, because that would be boring. I'm going to just go over some highlights of the game that I think make it a must have; or at least, a must play. Now I must say, that it doesn't, by any stretch of the imagination, re-invent the FPS genre. But that's ok, because it doesn't have to. What is on most people's minds are the controls: Can the Wii handle a FPS game's controls? What a stupid god damned question. Hello...have you played Metroid Prime 3? Medal of Honor Heroes 2? Of course the Wii can handle a FPS....and it does it like no other system can. The controls are fluent, responsive, and most importantly, fun to use. There isn't anything much better than realizing you just put a cap into the forehead of an alien because YOU aimed it there. I love it. Even using a melee attack, by thrusting the Wii-mote foward, is amusing.

The graphics are..well, Wii graphics. But hell, why are you buying a Wii game for the graphics? Since when has Nintendo cared about what their games look like? The NES, SNES, and N64 were all graphcially inferior to their competitors...they are still the best consoles of their time. Fuck you...graphics whore.

Campaign mode is nothing special. There is a weird focus on something called the A.S.E. (All Seeing Eye). It is some sort of relic that can do "unique things." The game utilizes it by hinting to you to use it to find secrets and locate nodes to pass through some doors. It really just serves as a worthless puzzle to solve...but there isn't really any significant focus on it other than, the villian wants it because...it's relevant? I don't know...the story is pretty base. But, hell, who cares? I didn't buy it for the story.

The big catch: Multiplayer. One thing the Wii has struggled to do is put on really good multiplayer titles. Disappointingly, you cannot play with another person locally. Note to game designers: Stop being douche bags. I do have real life friends and would like them to play the game with me IN THE SAME ROOM. I hate when games do that...stop doing that, now. Remember when you would stay up late playing video games? Yeah...bring it back. Having said that, the multiplayer is fun. I can't stop playing it. There are a few different game modes, the basic "Kill everything" mode, Team "Kill everything else" mode, and then Team Objective-which is just capture the flag. But, that is my favorite mode because of the custimization. Ranging from a 20 minute, two flag marathon mode, to the single flag mode which requires a lot of fighting off the opposing team to take control of the middle of the stage and run the flag back to your side. I won't go into great lengths about it, now. But I plan on gloating about it later...stay tuned.


Anyway...if you have a Wii, or know someone that does, get this game. Play it...you will have a blast, I assure you. Go get it...like, right now. It has taken every fiber of my being to pry myself away from that tantalizing machine to write this blog. Did you get it yet?

Next posting is OTMR. You're welcome for this.

Old Time Movie Rants 7: Xmen 3: The Last Stand

My first dive into this blogging habit was X-Men Origins. But, let's face it, that wasn't the first X-men movie to bend over and take it. X-Men 3: The Last Stand is really the first one in the series to suck. I didn't like the first X-Men movie, but I did think X2 was greatly improved. So naturally, I had high hopes for the conclusion in the trilogy. There goes Hollywood...jizzing on my face, once again. Brett Ratner took the job away from Bryan Singer, who did the first 2 flicks. Why? I guess they weren't big enough hits. Well...they were certainly better than this crap. Think of X3 as Marvel's answer to the Return of the Sith. I have come full circle to layeth the smack down on this movie's candy ass. Let's get right in to it...


The flick opens up with Professor Xavier and Magneto visiting a young Jeane Grey, inviting her to join his school. She shows off her power by lifting every car in the neighborhood, and Stan Lee's water from his garden hose. Huh...3 minutes in and we already have our mandatory Stan Lee cameo. Xaiver offers his typical mantra, and that segways to a young Warren Worthington (Mutant name: Angel) who is in the bathroom trying to cut off the wings beginning to protrude from his back. His father barges into the bathroom (Dad, that's a big no-no. He could have had a stolen Playboy...that woulda been awkward) and sees what is going on then proclaims, "Oh no...not you too." Thanks, dad. Way to support me. Douche. Someone is gonna have some daddy issues...now, roll the opening credits!



Ya...daddy issues? Boo-Frickety-Hoo!


Now, in the "Not too distant future" (where they still employ Halle Barry in movies, apparently) our cast of heroes are running from something big. A big robot, perhaps. Storm notices that they aren't fairing too well against this monstrosity, so mandatory bad ass, Wolverine, has Colossus toss him at the head of the beast. Logan cuts off its head, and it turns out to be a Centinal. What? The movie thought it was better to NOT show the ultimate mutant killing machine, as explained in great detail throughout all the comics and cartoons? This movie is already facing a 0-1 start.

Storm is displeased with Logan's gung-ho attitude towards the training program...God only knows why. He's only been like that for 2 movies, Storm. That sends Logan away, and he finds Scott. Scott has just experienced a mental breakdown due to the loss of Jean. Poor Scott...oh well, at least the movie won't kill a main character like that off early after a blind attempt to get his love back. That would be stupid.

We cut to Washington, where Beast (The Secretary of Mutant Rights...or something) who is being briefed on the apprehension of Mystique. Nice bargaining chip, make sure you guys don't screw it up. Oh...and there has been a mutant cure developed by Warren Worthington (Angel's father). After a really stupid negotiating scene, uh...nothing happens, actually. I guess we've established that the X-men suck at training, Scott is upset, and Mystique is captured. Does the director understand that he has to solidify a plot point before creating a new one? I mean...leaving me hanging 'till later is fine, but damn movie, let's stick with something and expand on it.

Back at the school (ugh...I'm getting that Resident Evil cut-shot vibe going), Storm is upset again, this time because of the cure. She thinks that any mutant who would want to get this cure is nothing but a coward. A low down, dirty, coward. So in walks Rogue, a character, in this movie, that is better suited to Twilight rather than X-men.

Side rant...about Rogue. In all the movies, she has been nothing but a whiny little brat that has had zero, ZERO, character development. She is a one dimensional, annoying, selfish, and worthless character who doesn't even resemble the character from the cartoon. Rogue is supposed to be a stacked, southern female who can absorb other's life power, but also shoot fireworks out of her hands and fly. Where is all that? Huh? I guess because Rogue in the movie also has that white strip of hair, resembling that of the cartoon character, makes her the same. Fuck it...


These directors are dumber than a prairie dog crossing the highway, don't ya think, sugar?

Sorry, I forgot this movie is trying to establish a sustainable plot, we cut to a mutant rally where they are discussing the cure. The speaker suggests that they form a group to speak with the government in order to stop this madness. Magneto, however, finds that route a bit too bland. He proposes putting together a sort of brotherhood in order to fight back against the humans trying to exterminate the mutant race. Huzzah! He also recruits a mutant who can help him find Mystique. That's...very convenient. I sense another cut shot coming...

Yeah...called it. After a brief stint of Beast meeting Leech (the boy who is the source of the cure), we are taken to Scott fresh off his mental breakdown. He is riding his bike back to the lake where Jean gave her life in the previous movie. Continuous whispers of Jean's voice say "Scott" and it drives him crazy. A huge whirlpool is created in the water and a force knocks him back. Emerging from the water is...Jean! Yeah, no shit. Typical film move, bring back a dead character 'cause they don't have the balls to keep him/her dead. Scott asks her how she is still alive. Her response? "I don't know." Ha...20 bucks says the producers don't know either. Lazy ass writers. They share a kiss...and then Jean kills off the leader of the X-men. Fuck me this is stupid. They just killed off one of the main characters...the leader of the team. Yet Jean gets to come back due to the writers not able to come up with better plot elements. Anger...rising...


Fat Cat does an impersonation of the X3 writers.

Wolverine and Storm are sent to the lake after the Professor has an epiphany. The two find Scott's shades..floating in mid air, and they also find Jean, who is unconscious. They take her back to the Professor, and he explains that she survived because her powers, "Created a telekinetic cocoon that protected her." My ass...that's the best they can come up with? Xavier also explains that Jean Grey is practically a walking God and he put a mental block on her powers so she wouldn't blow up the Earth. Xavier should put a mental block on me, 'cause when I get angry at stupid movies I tend to destroy the world. Wolverine has a back and forth with X about the morals of him hindering Jean's powers...idiot. Logan, she can kill you all with a thought...Xavier did the right thing. Stick to being a killing machine and not doing any thinking. By the way...this is Jean's alter-ego, "The Phoenix."



The Phoenix and Zombie Jean Grey
They are NOT the same...idiots.

The plot comes crashing into the scene, and leads us back to the line that mutants are making at the building to get the vaccine containing the cure. On the other side of the street, however, are protesters, not very happy about this whole vaccine thing. I don't blame 'em. Inside the building, Angel is going to be the first mutant to receive the cure because he is a complete disgrace to his father. I don't blame his dad...if my son is a mutant, he'd better shoot death rays or stop time....ANYTHING besides growing angel wings. Just before he is about to receive the cure, he decides against it and breaks these chains of restraint...thus shattering the hold his father has on his life. Damn...that would be interesting if we had had these two in the movie for more than 2 minutes, so far. This movie not only has too many plot lines, it focuses on the wrong ones.


Daddy issues? You can't hold me down dad...I AM A MAN!

Magneto finally meets up with the convoy that is holding Mystique (among other mutants) and takes it over. Oooo...I hope we get to meet more characters that the audience can't get emotionally attached too. Following about 5 unnecessary corny lines, our new members of the Brotherhood are: James Mavericks (Multiple Man) - he agrees to join the club after zero persuasion...nice, Jane Marco (The Juggernaut). And, yes, I do plan on making a "I'm the Juggernaut" joke later. The crew is very confident with their new additions, that is, until a security guard puts a dart into Mystique and un-mutates her. Yeah...they just eliminated another main mutant. There aren't enough facepalm pictures to use here so to express my complete displeasure. Movie, you can't just continue to eliminate main characters from the movie as you wish. At this rate, Professor X is going to get the hook. Please don't do it...regardless, Magneto drops Mystique like a crazy girlfriend. Harsh.

We have a brief scene with Beast that accomplishes nothing before catching up with Jean and Wolverine. I must have switched on to Skinemax, because Jean mounts Logan like she's in a cheap porno. The foreplay scene doesn't last, however, because Logan remembers he has E.D. Right...the animal-like mutant curbed his primal instinct to ram her on the table because of logic. Jean, upset that she is left cold, storms out and...another worthless scene down the drain. This movie is really achieving a lot. Professor X is pissed at Logan for bringing an end to the world by releasing the most powerful mutant inside Jean Grey. So Xavier heads to..uhh...her house? Ok...and is met their by Magneto, who is there to recruit Jean (Now to be referred to as Phoenix) to the Brotherhood. He's goal orientated.

After a few bumps coming from the house, Logan decides he's going in. Ok...that garners a worthless fight scene between him and Storm, versus the Shmucks from the Brotherhood, naturally, right? Juggernaut tosses Logan around, doesn't Logan know who he's fighting? While the 5 brawl over...purpose not given, Phoenix begins levitating the house, and Xavier. Movie, what are you thinking? Yeah...you guessed it: The movie kills off ANOTHER main character. Christ's sake, who the hell is going to be left for the final act? This is worse than when the Transformers (1986) animated movie killed off all its characters to issue a new line of toys. Have any of these character's dismissals even led to a realization or important development? Can..erm...could Professor Xavier walk? Exactly.


2 tasteless jokes in these many minutes...still, it is more respectful than what the movie did to him.

Movie has a mandatory funeral scene in which I'm supposed to care. Movie, you just killed off the catalyst for the entire X-men series. I'm not sad he's dead, I'm upset the writers are still breathing. Since teenage sorrow and romance is the reason I dig this movie, Iceman takes Kitty (Who is NOT 19...she looks 12), I swear to God, ice skating. Nice move, dope. Like your girlfriend ISN'T watching you flirt with this under aged chick. This is almost as mind boggling as that scene in Spider man 3 when Peter kissed that girl when he KNEW M.J. was watching. Did these 2 directors go to the same party school? Idiots. Of course, this whole thing angers Rogue, so she decides this is the last straw. The straw that broke the camels back. The straw that...sucks like this movie. Hey, bad blogging for bad dialogue, people. Rogue is going to go get the cure. What's are character casualty list at? I lost count after Cyclops.

Note: We are half way through the movie; the 57 minute mark. What have we accomplished? Help your neighbor, the answer is: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! God this movie sucks.


Get it?

After some more 7th Heaven-esque teenage drivel, we catch up with our pal Magneto in the woods with a whole army of non-complacent mutants. I'd explain all the nothing-ness that goes on in this scene, but I don't care. Another part that just dies off with no purpose...like all the characters in this God forsaken thing. It's an analogy for itself. Sorry...I got caught up in the hate, back to whatever plot line we are in. Right, Magneto issues a threat, Pyro blows up the building where the cure is in a terrorist act, and the army is getting strapped for a battle. There, you're caught up. Time for more delusional actions from Logan...he wouldn't bang Jean, but he'll try and save the Phoenix. Ass. Wolverine storms Magneto's tree huggers group in a forest and, whoa, and honest to goodness action sequence? Yeah...it's short lived, but at least we finally have one. Though, it only lasts until Wolverine walks in on Magneto holding his Klan meeting with the Brotherhood, hyping up his army for some cross burnings..or human killings, whichever. But then, oops, Wolverine once again is caught by Magneto and they have a conversation that is SO close to having God's honest character development it's scaring. Wolverine calls out Magneto for not comprehending the Phoenix's powers and for not helping his friend Xavier. You know, he's got a point. Magneto befriended Xavier, even though they stood for different things; he never wanted the Professor dead. So he could convince her to join his clan, but not hesitate to kill off Xavier? I'm calling shenanigans...oops, sorry, times up. Scene over...we need more shots of Zombie Jean Grey standing around trying to make dramatic faces. ACTING AT IT'S FINEST!

The army has put together a task force to ambush Magneto, but to their dismay, the entire group they located happens to only be Multiple Man. I can't believe the movie actually found a purpose for him...I guess this will be the last we see of him. Hold the phone, though, where's Magneto really at? I'll tell you after the X-men suit up and have poorly written inspirational dialogue. Gotta love that the best force they can put together is Wolverine, Storm, Beast, Iceman, Colossus, and..ugh...Kitty. Truly these are the greatest heroes available! Right, Magneto's location...he's on the Golden Gate Bridge. What's he doing? Oh...just levitating it over to Alcatraz Island...that's all. Yeah, actually it is a really cool effect. Funny that Phoenix didn't just levitate them all over to the island...but that's not my beef with this scene. My problem is the fact that it commits what, might be, one of the worst oversights ever. Notice how when Magneto first lifts the bridge it's clearly daylight, and when he travels the short few thousand feet to the island, it's completely dark. Did anybody pay attention to this movie when it was being edited? THINK!

More lack of thinking sure to come with the climatic battle underway, I bet. Magneto sends his worthless associates first, which is smart, especially since he finds out the hard way that the humans switched to plastic guns. You know, there is a reason that guns are metal; a plastic gun wouldn't be able to fire that many times, or at a high velocity, because it would fracture due to the stress created from the combustion's pressure or the thermal reaction. Besides, Magneto's power is quite...well...powerful. The army is shooting out syringes containing the cure. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't the syringes being used have to have metal tips? Yeah...so why can't he control the direction of the needles? No...the movie would rather have Arclight (A transvestite mutant) target the weapons with her/his shock wave. Right...the random blast of distorted air should be accurate. By the power of plot convenience, it works.

In case you're wondering, yes, the Phoenix is STILL just standing there.

The X-men finally land and begin fighting off the seemingly endless horde of mutants. Ugh...even the action sequences in this flick blow. I couldn't be more disinterested...and where did the army go? Did they only bring one set of weapons, and are now rendered worthless? Maybe mutants should just take over. While the battle brews, Juggernaut is sent to capture Leech, and kill the boy. But not if Kitty has a say in it! Yeah...Kitty vs. Juggernaut, who ya got? Doesn't Kitty know who he is...?



Yeah...he does use that line which, admiringly, is pretty funny. After chasing Kitty through the building, they finally reach Leech. How does Kitty defeat the almighty Juggernaut? By making him run at them, then moving out of the way, but still being close enough for Leech to suck his powers, making Juggernaut headbutt the wall and knock himself out. Lame. That's ok, though, because Magneto is busy tossing cars at the army. I don't know, I guess this is the final phase of the plan. What isn't part of his plan, probably, is his best fighting mutants getting easily disposed of, then him getting tricked by Wolverine and Beast. After a diversion created by Logan, Beast stabs Magneto with syringes containing the cure...turning him human. Oh the irony. He plays more mind games with Phoenix, however, tricking her into attacking the entire island. Is she the most naive person ever? For being the closest thing to God on Earth...she ain't not dat bright. Ya heard?

The directors haven't actually included Phoenix in the movie for awhile, so they decided to put her into the most over the top, uncessary, albeit cool, special effects display ever. Phoenix begins to completely destroy the island and all the people in it. While most evacuate in time, Wolverine stays because he is the only one who can stop her. How is that? Well...because the way she kills people is by ripping them into dust, he can heal before that happens, which he does. After having an emotional scene...he puts some anamantium in her chest via his claws. Sweet...the world is safe for democracy. One complaint, though: Why didn't Wolverine just inject her with the cure? Hello...McFly! Anybody home? Being a human is better than being dead! Movie...for the love of filmaking...THINK!


I know the feeling, buddy.

The final act closes with what the movie thinks is resolution, but it isn't. In fact, we have resolved nothing. I'm dead fucking serious, the biggest plot hole OF ALL TIME happens at the end. Remember how the entire movie, Magneto is a wanted terrorist? Yeah, well the final scene consists of him playing chess, by himself, in the park and somehow making one of the pieces move slightly. Again, movie, THINK! He should be, you know, in fucking jail! How did anyone over look this? This is not only an awful way to hint to a sequal, but one of the worst continuity errors I've ever seen. I'm sorry...this just begs me to do it...


This movie is teh pain!

X3 is an awful, poorly scripted, awfuly written, shitties pieces of movies I've ever had the displeasure of paying to see. This damn movie can't even get it's plot straight, because it tries to create far too many plot lines. It's unbelieveable how bad this movie was directed; it reminds me of Resident Evil 3 the way that it jumps back and forth with it's plot lines. Not to mention the writing...oh the writing. The dialogue actually isn't talking, it's more like a string of cliche lines just put together. It's really just brain numbing to even listen to. The acting isn't any better, but the actors aren't that bad; I blame the stupid script and base directing. It kills off major characters, only to lead to NOTHING - no character evolutions, no important devleopments, NOTHING. I've seen cop buddy movies with better character development than this movie. Fuck me this is bad...and you know what? It's finally over...if, in fact, they make more of these X-men movies, I'll be there. I'll be waiting to destroy your flick. You will stand no chance. May God have mercy on you, your cast, your plot, your script, and your soul...because I'm coming for you. For now, roll the credits...