The year is 2007, the anticipation is high. Another childhood blockbuster remake has been released into theaters and people were excited to see a vamped up version of the 1980s toy line, Transformers. You know what? It was a huge success. #1 in the box office for a time being, grossed tons of money, and was regarded as a great film in the minds of fans.
Those fans are fucking morons.
This movie is not only bad, it was bad AND successful. That's the worst kind of bad for a movie if not for the only reason that they will make a sequel. And you know what? They did. Michael Bay continues to churn out shit-tastic creations of cinema and make a killing. Why? Because YOU people continue to go see his abominations of film making; paying for the tickets and DVDs are what continues to feed this monster. Some people consider this movie good...give me your hand, children, and I shall lead you into the golden gates. Allow me to show you the errors of your ways. Transformers does not deserve your praise, and in commemoration of the new dump of a movie that Bay released the other week in, Rise of the Fallen, I feel the need to destroy this movie.
Now, I swear guys, I don't pick on Shia Ladouche. It just seems that every movie he's in gargles balls. It's not like I have some sort of weird vendetta against the guy from a hauntingly bad Disney show years ago, or anything...
I haven't forget, bitch!
With that out of the way, get your fanboy hats on, your "fuck this blog" t-shirts going, and let me grab some hard liquor...the movie is about to begin.
Optimus Prime opens up the movie with an exposition about a cube that can create life, and a battle that has been ongoing for a long while over this god-like cube called the All-Spark. After the introduction, a helicopter approaches a military base stationed in Qatar and is refusing to adhere to the commands of the commanding officer to change course. The mysterious chopper lands on the base and is immediately surrounded by military personnel. Surprise, surprise...it's a Transformer, and it begins laying the smack down. This is Michael Bay's bread and butter...giant robot creating a bunch of explosions, people running around like maniacs, erratic camera movements...yeah, this is definitely a Bay film. The robot is running a complete muck, until...the scene ends and plants us into the front of a high school. Way to completely jar us from a frantic all-out scene to this. Ugh...
Here at, Unknown location High, we get to meet the main character Sam Witwicky. Sam is a tool. His grandfather was an explorer who surveyed the Artic Circle and Sam has gathered his grandfather's utilities to do a school project. Of course, instead of properly completing the project, he decides to auction off the tools. I swear, not only does he mention that he has listed all the items on eBay, he is actually standing there trying to hustle off his grandfather's junk to his classmates. Fucking idiot. Although his teacher should fail him, Sam talks his teacher (who is played by Peter Jacobson AKA Dr. Taub from House) into giving him an A-. What teacher would do that? Sam didn't even give him a blow job or anything...he just upped his grade after hearing Sam's pathetic story about having to get an A to get a new car. Stupid. Anyway, Sam's father picks him up and with the news about Sam's hard earned A, goes to buy that whip.
I would like to note, we aren't even 20 minutes in and I already have a problem with this upcoming scene. Sam and..uh...Dad, go to a use car lot (Bernie Mac is the salesman...sweet) and scope out the options. Slim pickings to say the least. Luckily enough, a beat up Camero catches Shia Ladouche's eye. Now, just minutes before, we see the Camero drive itself into the lot and park itself. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, that would mean that Bernie Mac does not in fact own this Camero. I'll type this slowly so the movie can understand: You...can't...sell...a car...if you don't fucking own it! You can argue that I'm knit-picking, but face the facts: if Sam never gets this car the movie doesn't happen. I'm counting this as a plot hole just on the pure stupidity of it. As expected, Sam gets the whip and is on his way.
Burt Reynolds says, "A Camero looks like it can kick your ass, a Trans Am will come over and do it."
Jon Voigt, who plays the Secretary of Defense, gathers a bunch of no-names to analyze some sound to try and track the attacker. He also gives us exposition that transitions into our other running plot line, the March of the Forlorn Soldiers. Captain Lennox (Played by Josh Duhamel) and Sergent Epps (Played by...oh God...Tyrese Gibson) are the two that we are supposed to give a damn about. I don't, hopefully the robot comes back and blows them to hell. A man can wish, can't he?
More jarring shots lead us back to Sam and his Nameless friend heading towards a gathering at a lake. Sam's buddy, I swear this happens, gets out of the car and climbs a tree for no reason. I don't fuckin' know why. Sam meets up with Trent and Mikaela (Played by Megan Fox). Trent is, how do you say, a grade A douche bag. A stereotypical jock that wouldn't know an algorithm from his ass hole. After some stupid banter and insults between him and Sam, he decides to leave. I'm beginning to get a feeling for 2 things one, this is seeming like a damn teen movie and two, will this scene have a point outside of establishing what Michael Bay thinks are plot points? Doubtful. Trent is ready to leave, but makes the mistake of insulting Mikaela...ugh, what a skanky name...and she walks off. Sam, being the tool that he is, makes his buddy get out and walk home. What?! House, what's the golden rule of friendships between guys?
Damn right.
After Tool Box Sam dumps his friend, he picks up that whore Megan Fox and the driving scene is not only awkward, uninteresting, and fails to evolve our characters above the level of American Pie, but just plain not enjoyable to watch. That's not even mentioning the fact that Megan Fox makes Shia Ladouche look like fucking Johnny Depp. She can't emote one line without sounding like a complete fucking moron. Ugh...these are our main characters! Being the awkward character, Sam's car breaks down. Mikella, apparently, knows how to fix cars so don't worry Sam, she's on it. And, yes, trying to watch Fox read lines that have to do with a car's engine is completely laughable. Of course, Michael Bay figures most guys aren't listening to the dialogue and by this time might as well just show Megan Fox pose half nude on the screen.
Michael Bay really showing off his producing skills from his Playboy porno days, guys...hey, maybe this picture will get my blog some more views!
Sam drives her home, makes sure he nails that "More than meets the eye" line and thankfully ends this Chinese water torture of a scene. It hurts so bad guys...we're only 30 minutes in.
Because this movie is into running countless plot lines at one time, we are now aboard Air Force One. Here we get one awful George Bush joke, followed by the worst display of security ever. A small robot begins hacking the U.S. military secrets - I guess you can do that form Air Force Once...doesn't really seem plausible - and goes unnoticed for a few minutes. That is until someone finally figures it out and the Secret Service gives chase to the little rat-bot. The Secret Service guys have a worse shot than the LAPD because they fail to even damage it. Also, Transformers can now turn into any kind of machine, because the little rat-bot turns himself into a small CD player and the guards walk right by him. I guess random CD players are quite common in high-security computer mainframe rooms.
The army dudes are getting the shank in this movie...just sayin'....they aren't in many scenes. Sam is sleeping after a hard day's work of acting like a dorky tool, but is waken by the sound of his car starting and driving away. He chases the car into some kind of junk yard, where he sees his Camero turn into a giant robot. Impressive. That is, until Sam is chased by 2 guard dogs and then promptly arrested by some douche bag police. How did anyone miss the 80 foot tall robot? Oh...right...Michael Bay wills it.
By the way, I'm not trying to rant on every scene...but they are so impossibly dumb, juvenile, and base I can't help it. I'll try harder. Back at the Pentagon, we see a meeting called by the Secretary of Defense. Maggie, one of the people who discovered the sound that the evil robots made, inputs her own idea that this hacker is in fact an organic system - which is why they cannot track it or destroy the virus it implanted. Of course, this is an absurd idea to the Secretary and he dismisses her quickly. Huh...woman thinking they can deduce complex problems; get back in the kitchen, broad.
Here at Chronicling of a Nintendo Head, we support sexist jokes!
Oh...but I'm not done with the idiocracy. Next scene we meet back up with Sam who is at the police station being interrogated by the most unprofessional cop ever. This scene is so stupid, MY rights were violated. Just take my word for it, this cop would not have a job after this. Christ...movie, I get you are trying to give some comic relief, but every character so far has been nothing but. Eventually, you either have to take yourself seriously, or man up and put the tag "comedy" next to the genre description. Fuck...are we gonna get another random jump shot to the next plot line? You're an idiot if you say, "No."
Back in the Middle East...yeah, quite the leap, we meet back up with the survivors of the Qatar incident. They get ambushed with a Transformer that was released by the one who originally attacked the military base. This is actually an effective scene, and the first one that is really enjoyable, aside from the painful jokes. The soldiers fight off the robot and are returned to the States for debriefing. Maggie, having gotten a look at the beast behind the attacks, decides that there is only "One person who can hack this." So she, get this, steals highly sensitive government information and takes it to her buddy, Glen (Played by Anthony Anderson). How STUPID is this woman? If this is the only guy who can hack it, tell the fucking Secretary of Defense this so they can bring him to the Pentagon! Hello...McFly, anybody home? THINK! Obviously, the SWAT is there in seconds and they are both taken into custody.
Back with our intrepid hero, Sam, his car has mysteriously returned. Scared out of his mind, he makes a desperate run away from the Christine-like vehicle. Sam escapes his car, and is then confronted by a cop car. But this cop car is like no other, because it Transforms into another killer robot. Sam, dude, it just ain't yo day. This Transformer demands that Sam hand over his grandfather's glasses. Remember, he put them on eBay so all the robots can see them. Sam somehow escapes, and collides with Mikaela; they both get a ride from the Camero and the epic chase scene ensues. Gotta love the fact that the chase must have been going on for hours, because it changes from day time to night time by the end of the scene. Continuity shot out the ass. After a weird chase sequence, Sam and Whore are kicked out of the car and the two Transformers have a huge epic battle-fight! I'd say it's really cool...but the camera is so shaky, I really can't tell who is kicking who's ass. I guess the Camero won, because the other robot just goes away and the Camero invites Sam and Mikella to go for a ride. I suppose this is what we are supposed to accept as developing characters, but I just find it stupid. Oh...and about an hour in, what the fuck is the plot? Fighting robots? Did Michael Bay blow up the script, too?
Oh...I almost forgot, this blog post is sponsored by GM Chevorlet and President Obama. While driving in the piece of shit Camero, and that whore Mikaela makes fun of the car's appearance. So, now introducing the new government mandated 2008 Chevy Camaro!
Buy Chevy because it's in Transformers!
Back to our regular scheduled rant...
So a bunch of asteroids, presumably containing Transformers, crash land at random locations. You'd think highly advanced organisms would be able be a bit more subtle than this. Of course, now it's time for Plug the GM Cars. All the Autobots (good Transformers) take the form of various vehicles and meet up with the Camaro (Bumble Bee), Sam, and Whore. They have a talk about the plot at exposition Dark Alley; Optimus Prime explains that they need Sam's grandfather's glasses because, well...it's important. After battling on his home planet, Megatron (Leader of the evil Deceptions) lost the All-Spark, but was able to track it to Earth. By an accident that the writers don't feel like properly explaining, Megatron crash landed and was frozen under the ice. Sam's grandfather accidentally discovered, and then activated this highly advanced robot's navigation device and Megatron imprinted the coordinates to the location of the cube on the glasses. Ahh...so the glasses are a plot device. But, how does someone accidentally activate an organism's navigation device? This thing is supposedly so much more advanced than anything us humans can comprehend, yet some bum can step on its finger and make it work. Not to mention, why did it project onto the glasses and not the rest of his face? Or anywhere else for that matter? And another thing...earlier in the movie, Sam mentioned his grandfather went insane after an event and for the rest of his life babbled on about some giant robot. Did none of the other explorers see this 10 story tall creature?
Searching for answers...error: plot down the shitter.
abort...retry...fail
Before we can continue with this riveting plot line, though, we have to follow up with our felon pals Maggie and Glen. Bay must have thought people would dig racist jokes, so he put in Glen's character to be as stereotypically black as possible. Maggie rationalizes with the FBI guys, and then the scene ends...proving just what I said, Michael Bay wanted to make a few black jokes and then proceed to get them off the screen quickly. Nice...I guess we just don't have enough comic relief in this movie.
The Autobots follow Sam home because he needs to find the glasses. Naturally, hilarity ensues. Guys...what the fuck is this? How does no one see giant fucking robots outside their house? It's like a lame as sitcom routine. Ladies and gents, welcome to Hangin' Wit Sam 'n Friends! Sam's mom makes a masturbaiting joke? Oh, I'm in stitches! A bunch of giant robots are hiding outside the house? Oh my...this is hilarious! Well, I guess the government isn't a fan of sitcoms, because they send out the big guns: Sector 7. What's Sector 7? Well, it's lead by Agent Simmons (Played by John Tuturro) and I guess it's a super-secret government agency that deals with extra-terrestrial shit. And, yes, it is the most laughable fucking scene up until this point. John Tuturro mails in the most hammy and awful of performances including the flashing of his "Do what I want and get away with it" badge. Remember kids, Sector 7 takes nasty shits on your Constitutional Rights! Clearly, the writers had nothing better to come up with besides this stupid fucking idea. Sector 7 guys take the lot of the Witwicky family, and Mikaela, into custody.
En route to...uhh...wherever, the Autobots decide they need Sam and hijack the Sector 7 convoy, freeing Sam and Mikella. I don't know why they didn't free the parents, but I'll assume it's not at all important. Please end this scene...so after some of the most diluted dialogue this side of Battlefield Earth, Bumble Bee pisses on Agent Simmons; followed by Mikella having Agent Simmons take off his clothes, for no particular reason, and they all just walk away. You read that right, Bumble Bee PISSES on the government agent, and then is forced to strip down to his boxers. I'm wishing the the Transformers would have just crushed him...John Tuturro's performance is so hammy, overwrought, and melodramatic it's sickening. The Smooth Criminals think they have gotten away with their heinous crimes, but au contraire, one of the sly Sector 7 ("S7" for simplicity reasons) agents was able to capture the entire conversation on the phone and relay it to their headquarters. How fortunate. Within minutes, the heroes, Optimus Prime, and Bumble Bee are fleeing from the government. Those fiends!
Quick question, oh God of the Transformers world, you have the ability to transform into a tractor trailer, yet you chose to carry Sam and Whore like you are King Kong. Why is that? Wouldn't a truck be easier to, not only taxi people in, but elude people searching for giant robots? Something to chew one, Optimus.
After a dull chase scene, Bumble Bee, Sam, and Mikella are captured. Aww...the sad music and whimpers coming from Bumble Bee as he is getting frozen are so sad. I guess this is supposed to be a depressing scene. Naturally it's ruined by Tuturro acting presumptuous, again. Douche-nozzle. The good news, the plot is still intact! Optimus has lost 3 allies, but gained the highly sought after glasses. Celebration!
Back at the Pentagon, the Secretary of Defense has been informed that a virus implanted on the computers has disable virtually all communications. He is also briefed from another S7 agent about alien life that was encountered on Mars. Transformers on Mars is the next Summer blockbuster, I'm calling it. Oh...and regardless of their crimes against a government official, Sam and Mikella have now been let go and recruited to...uhhh...help out the fight against the evil robots. What could two bland teens possibly contribute to a government defense tactic? Are they going to over act all their lines to the enemy? I'll go with that.
After some cut shots that wearely wrap up the million plot lines and tie them all together, including the characters, creating a shit ball of a story...Tuturro brings his newly acquired agents to the Hoover Dam to inform them about what they're up against. Why? I ain't gots no clue. But he opens the scene with the line, "What you're about to see is totally classified." I'm gonna re-write that, "What you're about see, is total bull shit. Michael bay asks you believe it to be the truth and don't ask any questions."
Always read and understand the signs.
The government has kept Megatron, the Transformer that Sam's grandfather discovered, frozen and hidden from the world. The most powerful Deceptikon we know about to date is put on ice and has been completely incapacitated for generations. Not only that, but he has been used to reverse engineer all of today's modern technology. Actually, I'll give the writiers credit...that's kind of creative. Still, I find it hard to believe NO ONE would ever no about this. It's just too big to not ever discover.
Oh...but I'm not done with the idiocy.
Sam and Agent Simmons have a pissing contest over what to call Megatron and what his motives are, until Sam informs them that he his after the All-Spark, or the giant fucking cube the government has also commendered. Yeah...no shit. A 12 year old could have figured out that the giant, energy producing cube is what the meanacing robot is after. Ugh...we're not done. A demonstration of the cube's power is in order, so they take a cell phone and use the energy from the cube to turn the cell phone into a minature, rabid, robot. How the thing got a machine gun, moving parts, and missles is far beyond what even my addle-brain can comprehend. Hey...if the All-Spark can be used for good, how come everytime it comes in contact with an electronic the machine turns evil? Stupid.
The Deceptikons begin to drain the power from the Dam, thus start thawing Megatron. Uh oh...what to do? Well, although it's obvious to everyone watching the movie that you release the NON-HOSTILE robot to help you out, the S7 dolts disagree. That pertinacity is short lived when Captain Lennox puts a gun to his chest. Good call; that's the first smart thing the military has done this movie. After Bumble Bee is allowed to warm up, they take him to the All-Spark where he...shrinks it? Right, a Michael Bay plot device has to be portable.
Ahhh...there goes Bay's plot device movies, now!
Right...back to the unfreezing of Megatron. He wakes up and begins running a muck inside the dam. Run! The main military personnel follow Sam in his Camero, fleeing the Dam. They just beat out a deterimned, and enraged, Megatron screaming out of his former prison. Although they meet up with Optimus Prime, the rest of the Deceptikons give chase on the freeway. Prime gets into a fight with one of the bum Evil-Bots, but that's short lived 'cause he shoves his sword down that robots throat. Truly he is God. Hey, God, if you don't mind...this thing is starting to run a little long; mind if we wrap it up here? I mean...you have the cube, can we please begin the final fight between Megatron and you?
Well, that which I wish I recieve. The crew arrives in...a crowded city? Why? I don't understand the military logic, here. Why stop in a populated city? Ugh...I feel my anger rising...
Following an attack from Starscreen, Bumble Bee is left injured and hands the cube to Sam. Yeah, good...give the ever-so-important energy source to the squishy meat bag that is Shia Ladouce. The military begins firing everything at the tank Transformer...who ever he is, and the just-landed Megatron. I really can't tell what's going on. Is the camera man an epilleptic? This is annoying. And trying to depict what is going on through this blog is becoming increasingly difficult with this desultory editing and camera work.
This is the equivelent to watching these final scenes. You're welcome.
Being the brave hero he is, Sam is given the task of taking the All-Spark ontop of a building and then getting into a hellicopter to be evacuated. He almost cowards out, but is reminded by Lennox that "He is a soldier, now" and is even given a good luck kiss from his Whore girlfriend. This is so cliche it's making me ill. Sam just went from dorky, out of place, teen to a fucking super hero who won't be stopped by ANYTHING. Book it.
Oooo...a big robot fight has begun! Megatron and Prime have begin to duke it out, Transformer style and, once again, I'm sure it's the coolest looking and most technologically advanced CGI to date, but too bad I can't tell what the fuck is going on. The only thing I know, is that all these innocent by standards could have been evacuated, but the collateral damage is going to be REALLY high.
Back with Sam, who is still running. He gets some help from two Autobots and finally makes it to the building where he tries to flag down his ride, but is met at the top by Megatron. Things are getting a bit dicey, Sam, what are you gonna do? Choose to hand over the cube and live, or risk your life for the aliens? Yeah...like you don't know the answer. Sam refuses to give the All-Spark to 'Tron and is knocked off the building. He screams in fear, but, why? Doesn't he know he has God on his side?! Of course Prime saves him, how dare you question his all-mightyness.
Optimus Prime bless you.
Prime states that he will sacrifice himself if he cannot defeat 'Tron, but think about it...wouldn't Megatron still be alive? Is he not the only one who can defeat him? Optimus, don't do it...it's too self-less and counter productive! In fact, Prime is beginning to get his ass kicked and demands that Sam put the cube in his chest. Sam, however, doesn't like that plan and shoves it into Megatron's. Wait...what? Yeah...Sam just killed Megatron and destroyed the All-Spark all in one fell swoop. Are you kidding me? How in the bloody hell could he have even concieved that idea? Is Megatron's chest always open for things to just absorb into it? If this was possible, why wasn't it done earlier? It is apparently so easy to perform, why not just fucking do it in the first place?! I swear to God I just went insane...it just happened. I can't take this fucking movie anymore. You got it: the world is safe, the Transformers live amongst us humans on Earth, and Shia Ladouce is going to bone Megan Fox. There's your conclusion...I just saved you 20 minutes.
Transformers is one of the most insipid, malignant, juvenile movies I've ever seen. It's not enjoyable because the action is so painful to watch, or just boring all together, that it's not even worth watching for the giant robot fight-aspect. The story isn't "laughably bad," the story is a tremendous disaster the likes in which no one has ever seen. So many plot lines that are just created, for no other reason then to just be there because the movie needed to be longer, aren't even resolved. They are just tied into the main line and we are given a, "Yeah...just go with it" excuse for believing in all this. And...let's not forget the GAPING plot holes. Sam shouldn't even have been able to buy the car, the Deceptions can input viruses onto the most complex of computers, but cannot place a simple fucking bid on eBay, S7 can do whatever the fuck it wants, the cube is virtually the most worthless piece of techno-crap ever conceived, and Michael Bay's glorification of the military is disturbing to watch. I don't hate this movie...I loathe it. I wish that it would be the treatment the E.T. for the Atari 2600 got: dump those worthless things in the desert and bury them.
But you know what, I'll give the movie some credit for sort of rekindling that old Transformers feel: a sell out movie that had no purpose other than to, not really entertain, but suck money from the viewers. Let's face it, even the cartoons were almost as bumbling as this movie was. The animated movie, more so than the cartoon series...but it was still completely ridiculous. The difference is the fact that they were 1980 cartoons...this is a 2007 live action flick; I expected something different from the movie as a 20 year old, than I do as a child watching a cartoon. Although they are comparable in a sense, a resemblance of a story should have evolved, and it never did.
But ya know what? You can like this movie...go ahead. Melt your frontal lobes away with this garbage and use the excuse, "It's a good action flick." I call shenanigans. This movie blows. And you know what? So will the sequals it's bound to produce because YOU people will continue to make movies like this a hit. The credits have rolled and I can't take another minute...I need to go watch something competent; any chance Resident Evil will be on TV tonight?
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