Old Time Movie Rants 7: Xmen 3: The Last Stand

My first dive into this blogging habit was X-Men Origins. But, let's face it, that wasn't the first X-men movie to bend over and take it. X-Men 3: The Last Stand is really the first one in the series to suck. I didn't like the first X-Men movie, but I did think X2 was greatly improved. So naturally, I had high hopes for the conclusion in the trilogy. There goes Hollywood...jizzing on my face, once again. Brett Ratner took the job away from Bryan Singer, who did the first 2 flicks. Why? I guess they weren't big enough hits. Well...they were certainly better than this crap. Think of X3 as Marvel's answer to the Return of the Sith. I have come full circle to layeth the smack down on this movie's candy ass. Let's get right in to it...


The flick opens up with Professor Xavier and Magneto visiting a young Jeane Grey, inviting her to join his school. She shows off her power by lifting every car in the neighborhood, and Stan Lee's water from his garden hose. Huh...3 minutes in and we already have our mandatory Stan Lee cameo. Xaiver offers his typical mantra, and that segways to a young Warren Worthington (Mutant name: Angel) who is in the bathroom trying to cut off the wings beginning to protrude from his back. His father barges into the bathroom (Dad, that's a big no-no. He could have had a stolen Playboy...that woulda been awkward) and sees what is going on then proclaims, "Oh no...not you too." Thanks, dad. Way to support me. Douche. Someone is gonna have some daddy issues...now, roll the opening credits!



Ya...daddy issues? Boo-Frickety-Hoo!


Now, in the "Not too distant future" (where they still employ Halle Barry in movies, apparently) our cast of heroes are running from something big. A big robot, perhaps. Storm notices that they aren't fairing too well against this monstrosity, so mandatory bad ass, Wolverine, has Colossus toss him at the head of the beast. Logan cuts off its head, and it turns out to be a Centinal. What? The movie thought it was better to NOT show the ultimate mutant killing machine, as explained in great detail throughout all the comics and cartoons? This movie is already facing a 0-1 start.

Storm is displeased with Logan's gung-ho attitude towards the training program...God only knows why. He's only been like that for 2 movies, Storm. That sends Logan away, and he finds Scott. Scott has just experienced a mental breakdown due to the loss of Jean. Poor Scott...oh well, at least the movie won't kill a main character like that off early after a blind attempt to get his love back. That would be stupid.

We cut to Washington, where Beast (The Secretary of Mutant Rights...or something) who is being briefed on the apprehension of Mystique. Nice bargaining chip, make sure you guys don't screw it up. Oh...and there has been a mutant cure developed by Warren Worthington (Angel's father). After a really stupid negotiating scene, uh...nothing happens, actually. I guess we've established that the X-men suck at training, Scott is upset, and Mystique is captured. Does the director understand that he has to solidify a plot point before creating a new one? I mean...leaving me hanging 'till later is fine, but damn movie, let's stick with something and expand on it.

Back at the school (ugh...I'm getting that Resident Evil cut-shot vibe going), Storm is upset again, this time because of the cure. She thinks that any mutant who would want to get this cure is nothing but a coward. A low down, dirty, coward. So in walks Rogue, a character, in this movie, that is better suited to Twilight rather than X-men.

Side rant...about Rogue. In all the movies, she has been nothing but a whiny little brat that has had zero, ZERO, character development. She is a one dimensional, annoying, selfish, and worthless character who doesn't even resemble the character from the cartoon. Rogue is supposed to be a stacked, southern female who can absorb other's life power, but also shoot fireworks out of her hands and fly. Where is all that? Huh? I guess because Rogue in the movie also has that white strip of hair, resembling that of the cartoon character, makes her the same. Fuck it...


These directors are dumber than a prairie dog crossing the highway, don't ya think, sugar?

Sorry, I forgot this movie is trying to establish a sustainable plot, we cut to a mutant rally where they are discussing the cure. The speaker suggests that they form a group to speak with the government in order to stop this madness. Magneto, however, finds that route a bit too bland. He proposes putting together a sort of brotherhood in order to fight back against the humans trying to exterminate the mutant race. Huzzah! He also recruits a mutant who can help him find Mystique. That's...very convenient. I sense another cut shot coming...

Yeah...called it. After a brief stint of Beast meeting Leech (the boy who is the source of the cure), we are taken to Scott fresh off his mental breakdown. He is riding his bike back to the lake where Jean gave her life in the previous movie. Continuous whispers of Jean's voice say "Scott" and it drives him crazy. A huge whirlpool is created in the water and a force knocks him back. Emerging from the water is...Jean! Yeah, no shit. Typical film move, bring back a dead character 'cause they don't have the balls to keep him/her dead. Scott asks her how she is still alive. Her response? "I don't know." Ha...20 bucks says the producers don't know either. Lazy ass writers. They share a kiss...and then Jean kills off the leader of the X-men. Fuck me this is stupid. They just killed off one of the main characters...the leader of the team. Yet Jean gets to come back due to the writers not able to come up with better plot elements. Anger...rising...


Fat Cat does an impersonation of the X3 writers.

Wolverine and Storm are sent to the lake after the Professor has an epiphany. The two find Scott's shades..floating in mid air, and they also find Jean, who is unconscious. They take her back to the Professor, and he explains that she survived because her powers, "Created a telekinetic cocoon that protected her." My ass...that's the best they can come up with? Xavier also explains that Jean Grey is practically a walking God and he put a mental block on her powers so she wouldn't blow up the Earth. Xavier should put a mental block on me, 'cause when I get angry at stupid movies I tend to destroy the world. Wolverine has a back and forth with X about the morals of him hindering Jean's powers...idiot. Logan, she can kill you all with a thought...Xavier did the right thing. Stick to being a killing machine and not doing any thinking. By the way...this is Jean's alter-ego, "The Phoenix."



The Phoenix and Zombie Jean Grey
They are NOT the same...idiots.

The plot comes crashing into the scene, and leads us back to the line that mutants are making at the building to get the vaccine containing the cure. On the other side of the street, however, are protesters, not very happy about this whole vaccine thing. I don't blame 'em. Inside the building, Angel is going to be the first mutant to receive the cure because he is a complete disgrace to his father. I don't blame his dad...if my son is a mutant, he'd better shoot death rays or stop time....ANYTHING besides growing angel wings. Just before he is about to receive the cure, he decides against it and breaks these chains of restraint...thus shattering the hold his father has on his life. Damn...that would be interesting if we had had these two in the movie for more than 2 minutes, so far. This movie not only has too many plot lines, it focuses on the wrong ones.


Daddy issues? You can't hold me down dad...I AM A MAN!

Magneto finally meets up with the convoy that is holding Mystique (among other mutants) and takes it over. Oooo...I hope we get to meet more characters that the audience can't get emotionally attached too. Following about 5 unnecessary corny lines, our new members of the Brotherhood are: James Mavericks (Multiple Man) - he agrees to join the club after zero persuasion...nice, Jane Marco (The Juggernaut). And, yes, I do plan on making a "I'm the Juggernaut" joke later. The crew is very confident with their new additions, that is, until a security guard puts a dart into Mystique and un-mutates her. Yeah...they just eliminated another main mutant. There aren't enough facepalm pictures to use here so to express my complete displeasure. Movie, you can't just continue to eliminate main characters from the movie as you wish. At this rate, Professor X is going to get the hook. Please don't do it...regardless, Magneto drops Mystique like a crazy girlfriend. Harsh.

We have a brief scene with Beast that accomplishes nothing before catching up with Jean and Wolverine. I must have switched on to Skinemax, because Jean mounts Logan like she's in a cheap porno. The foreplay scene doesn't last, however, because Logan remembers he has E.D. Right...the animal-like mutant curbed his primal instinct to ram her on the table because of logic. Jean, upset that she is left cold, storms out and...another worthless scene down the drain. This movie is really achieving a lot. Professor X is pissed at Logan for bringing an end to the world by releasing the most powerful mutant inside Jean Grey. So Xavier heads to..uhh...her house? Ok...and is met their by Magneto, who is there to recruit Jean (Now to be referred to as Phoenix) to the Brotherhood. He's goal orientated.

After a few bumps coming from the house, Logan decides he's going in. Ok...that garners a worthless fight scene between him and Storm, versus the Shmucks from the Brotherhood, naturally, right? Juggernaut tosses Logan around, doesn't Logan know who he's fighting? While the 5 brawl over...purpose not given, Phoenix begins levitating the house, and Xavier. Movie, what are you thinking? Yeah...you guessed it: The movie kills off ANOTHER main character. Christ's sake, who the hell is going to be left for the final act? This is worse than when the Transformers (1986) animated movie killed off all its characters to issue a new line of toys. Have any of these character's dismissals even led to a realization or important development? Can..erm...could Professor Xavier walk? Exactly.


2 tasteless jokes in these many minutes...still, it is more respectful than what the movie did to him.

Movie has a mandatory funeral scene in which I'm supposed to care. Movie, you just killed off the catalyst for the entire X-men series. I'm not sad he's dead, I'm upset the writers are still breathing. Since teenage sorrow and romance is the reason I dig this movie, Iceman takes Kitty (Who is NOT 19...she looks 12), I swear to God, ice skating. Nice move, dope. Like your girlfriend ISN'T watching you flirt with this under aged chick. This is almost as mind boggling as that scene in Spider man 3 when Peter kissed that girl when he KNEW M.J. was watching. Did these 2 directors go to the same party school? Idiots. Of course, this whole thing angers Rogue, so she decides this is the last straw. The straw that broke the camels back. The straw that...sucks like this movie. Hey, bad blogging for bad dialogue, people. Rogue is going to go get the cure. What's are character casualty list at? I lost count after Cyclops.

Note: We are half way through the movie; the 57 minute mark. What have we accomplished? Help your neighbor, the answer is: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! God this movie sucks.


Get it?

After some more 7th Heaven-esque teenage drivel, we catch up with our pal Magneto in the woods with a whole army of non-complacent mutants. I'd explain all the nothing-ness that goes on in this scene, but I don't care. Another part that just dies off with no purpose...like all the characters in this God forsaken thing. It's an analogy for itself. Sorry...I got caught up in the hate, back to whatever plot line we are in. Right, Magneto issues a threat, Pyro blows up the building where the cure is in a terrorist act, and the army is getting strapped for a battle. There, you're caught up. Time for more delusional actions from Logan...he wouldn't bang Jean, but he'll try and save the Phoenix. Ass. Wolverine storms Magneto's tree huggers group in a forest and, whoa, and honest to goodness action sequence? Yeah...it's short lived, but at least we finally have one. Though, it only lasts until Wolverine walks in on Magneto holding his Klan meeting with the Brotherhood, hyping up his army for some cross burnings..or human killings, whichever. But then, oops, Wolverine once again is caught by Magneto and they have a conversation that is SO close to having God's honest character development it's scaring. Wolverine calls out Magneto for not comprehending the Phoenix's powers and for not helping his friend Xavier. You know, he's got a point. Magneto befriended Xavier, even though they stood for different things; he never wanted the Professor dead. So he could convince her to join his clan, but not hesitate to kill off Xavier? I'm calling shenanigans...oops, sorry, times up. Scene over...we need more shots of Zombie Jean Grey standing around trying to make dramatic faces. ACTING AT IT'S FINEST!

The army has put together a task force to ambush Magneto, but to their dismay, the entire group they located happens to only be Multiple Man. I can't believe the movie actually found a purpose for him...I guess this will be the last we see of him. Hold the phone, though, where's Magneto really at? I'll tell you after the X-men suit up and have poorly written inspirational dialogue. Gotta love that the best force they can put together is Wolverine, Storm, Beast, Iceman, Colossus, and..ugh...Kitty. Truly these are the greatest heroes available! Right, Magneto's location...he's on the Golden Gate Bridge. What's he doing? Oh...just levitating it over to Alcatraz Island...that's all. Yeah, actually it is a really cool effect. Funny that Phoenix didn't just levitate them all over to the island...but that's not my beef with this scene. My problem is the fact that it commits what, might be, one of the worst oversights ever. Notice how when Magneto first lifts the bridge it's clearly daylight, and when he travels the short few thousand feet to the island, it's completely dark. Did anybody pay attention to this movie when it was being edited? THINK!

More lack of thinking sure to come with the climatic battle underway, I bet. Magneto sends his worthless associates first, which is smart, especially since he finds out the hard way that the humans switched to plastic guns. You know, there is a reason that guns are metal; a plastic gun wouldn't be able to fire that many times, or at a high velocity, because it would fracture due to the stress created from the combustion's pressure or the thermal reaction. Besides, Magneto's power is quite...well...powerful. The army is shooting out syringes containing the cure. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't the syringes being used have to have metal tips? Yeah...so why can't he control the direction of the needles? No...the movie would rather have Arclight (A transvestite mutant) target the weapons with her/his shock wave. Right...the random blast of distorted air should be accurate. By the power of plot convenience, it works.

In case you're wondering, yes, the Phoenix is STILL just standing there.

The X-men finally land and begin fighting off the seemingly endless horde of mutants. Ugh...even the action sequences in this flick blow. I couldn't be more disinterested...and where did the army go? Did they only bring one set of weapons, and are now rendered worthless? Maybe mutants should just take over. While the battle brews, Juggernaut is sent to capture Leech, and kill the boy. But not if Kitty has a say in it! Yeah...Kitty vs. Juggernaut, who ya got? Doesn't Kitty know who he is...?



Yeah...he does use that line which, admiringly, is pretty funny. After chasing Kitty through the building, they finally reach Leech. How does Kitty defeat the almighty Juggernaut? By making him run at them, then moving out of the way, but still being close enough for Leech to suck his powers, making Juggernaut headbutt the wall and knock himself out. Lame. That's ok, though, because Magneto is busy tossing cars at the army. I don't know, I guess this is the final phase of the plan. What isn't part of his plan, probably, is his best fighting mutants getting easily disposed of, then him getting tricked by Wolverine and Beast. After a diversion created by Logan, Beast stabs Magneto with syringes containing the cure...turning him human. Oh the irony. He plays more mind games with Phoenix, however, tricking her into attacking the entire island. Is she the most naive person ever? For being the closest thing to God on Earth...she ain't not dat bright. Ya heard?

The directors haven't actually included Phoenix in the movie for awhile, so they decided to put her into the most over the top, uncessary, albeit cool, special effects display ever. Phoenix begins to completely destroy the island and all the people in it. While most evacuate in time, Wolverine stays because he is the only one who can stop her. How is that? Well...because the way she kills people is by ripping them into dust, he can heal before that happens, which he does. After having an emotional scene...he puts some anamantium in her chest via his claws. Sweet...the world is safe for democracy. One complaint, though: Why didn't Wolverine just inject her with the cure? Hello...McFly! Anybody home? Being a human is better than being dead! Movie...for the love of filmaking...THINK!


I know the feeling, buddy.

The final act closes with what the movie thinks is resolution, but it isn't. In fact, we have resolved nothing. I'm dead fucking serious, the biggest plot hole OF ALL TIME happens at the end. Remember how the entire movie, Magneto is a wanted terrorist? Yeah, well the final scene consists of him playing chess, by himself, in the park and somehow making one of the pieces move slightly. Again, movie, THINK! He should be, you know, in fucking jail! How did anyone over look this? This is not only an awful way to hint to a sequal, but one of the worst continuity errors I've ever seen. I'm sorry...this just begs me to do it...


This movie is teh pain!

X3 is an awful, poorly scripted, awfuly written, shitties pieces of movies I've ever had the displeasure of paying to see. This damn movie can't even get it's plot straight, because it tries to create far too many plot lines. It's unbelieveable how bad this movie was directed; it reminds me of Resident Evil 3 the way that it jumps back and forth with it's plot lines. Not to mention the writing...oh the writing. The dialogue actually isn't talking, it's more like a string of cliche lines just put together. It's really just brain numbing to even listen to. The acting isn't any better, but the actors aren't that bad; I blame the stupid script and base directing. It kills off major characters, only to lead to NOTHING - no character evolutions, no important devleopments, NOTHING. I've seen cop buddy movies with better character development than this movie. Fuck me this is bad...and you know what? It's finally over...if, in fact, they make more of these X-men movies, I'll be there. I'll be waiting to destroy your flick. You will stand no chance. May God have mercy on you, your cast, your plot, your script, and your soul...because I'm coming for you. For now, roll the credits...

Old Time Movie Rants 6: Disturbia

In 1954, one of the greatest suspense/horror film directors of all time, Alfred Hitchcock, directed a Rear Window. A movie based off of the short story written by Cornell Woolrich. The movie told a story about a photographer who was temporarily wheel chair-ridden and decided to look upon his next door neighbors while he healed. The man eventually found out that one of his neighbors had killed his wife. After a few exciting elements, the climax was a confrontation between the murderer, and the photographer, in which the wheel chair-ridden man came out victorious; leading to the killer's arrest. It is still considered one of the greatest mystery/suspense films to the day.

Now, many other pop culture outlets have taken Hitchcock's classic and adapted it to their own shows. There was a 1998 remake of Rear Window, where Christopher Reeve played a paralyzed man (good casting), instead of a man with broken legs. Not to mention a Simpsons' episode. Obviously, other directors love to pay homage to classic movies that have built the foundation of what we enjoy today, however, there is a difference between giving credit through imitating and just completely ripping off. Enter: Disturbia.

Disturbia stars one of my all-time Shit Listers, Shia LaDouche. You know, the guy in such classics like, I, Robot, Eagle Eye, and Transformers. Honestly, not only do I think he's a terrible actor...he always comes off like such a douche. Hence the name, I guess. Anyway, Disturbia does not pay homage to Rear Window as other outlets, but completely rips it off. How does this movie bend over a nostalgic favorite? Let's take a look...

The flick opens up with Kale (Shia) fishing with his father in a body of water. He almost catches one but, ohhh...so close. This is nice. No really, the movie has done a good job in the first few minutes establishing an emotional attachment between father and son with the audience. After completing the manly excursion, dad and Kale are talking to mom on the drive home when an SUV passes by their car. What a dick head. Kale follows behind him (much too close, it appears) when the SUV suddenly swerves and Kale tries to avoid a incapacitated car, but fails, and the car flips over. The two seem to have escaped with no injuries, until a red truck blasts through their car. The father is killed. Wow...way to create an opening sequence, movie. Still, I have a beef with this film. Why didn't the father insist Kale, clearly a young driver, to stop riding the SUV's bumper? Why did the SUV wait until the LAST possible second to swerve, was he not paying attention, either? Finally, the red truck, too, doesn't even seem to slow down. It's a small 2-lane road...were they driving with their eyes closed? Just sayin'...

Movie transitions to a year later, where Kale is sleeping in his Spanish class. His teacher, whom happens to be the biggest Hispanic prick you can find, asks Kale if he did his homework. After not getting the answer he wanted he asks, "What would your father think?" Bad move. Kale gives him a right hook Manny Pacquio would be proud of. Unfortunately for him, that lands him 3 months house arrest; there goes his Summer vaca. Still...the teacher deserved it. That teacher is an ass hole.


Get it?


So the house arrest thing doesn't seem like that bad of a gig for a teenager and it starts off well. He is pwning n00bs on XBox Live quite effectively that is, until it gets canceled. Oh God...no more XBox?! You're cruel, mom! Not only does she ex-nay the XBox, she cancels his Itunes account, so now Shia can't download the Jonas Brothers' new smash hit, "Fuck you, Shia." He tries to pass time by watching soft core porn, scratching at his ankle bracelet, and doing housework in the most half-ass of ways. Mom even cut the cord to his TV! She is foul demoness. Actually, what gets me is Kale's reaction. He should be in jail right now, yet he feels like his mom owes him something. Kale, get into character: You're a felon...act like it and get to work. After a bored segment, he notices people moving in next door and catches a glimpse of a young attractive female. He made the same face when he first saw Megan Fox's character in Transformers...it's his acting face. The ring of the doorbell breaks his concentration and he finds a bag on fire. Kale, don't step on it...you know it's dog shi...ugh...he stepped on it. In an enraged stupor, he chases after the kids, but realizes he is outside of the safe-zone radius and scurries back to his front yard. He thinks he has made it safely, but darn those anti-climaxes, the cops pull up. Let me tell you something, these must be the finest officers around; that wasn't even a full minute between the bracelet going off and the cops showing up. As it turns out, the cop that is watching over Kale happens to be his Spanish teacher's cousin. Oops...naturally, the cop humiliates Kale in front of the entire neighborhood by cuffing him. Tough guy.

Not wanting to see Officer Gutierez, again, Kale puts a border that marks out where he cannot cross. And now, ladies and gents, let the voyeurism begin. Kale begins to observe all his neighbors...except the new chick (Ashley), who he just watches her get dressed, do yoga, and swim. You know...I'm getting a "Teen movie" alert. The movie started off with great character connections, but between these hormonal and boredom driven sequences and his goofy friend (Ronnie), I'm losing interest. Speaking of losing interest, where's the plot? The progression of any story has been absent for about 20 minutes. Movie...advance story line if you aren't going to make the characters more interesting.

Hearing my pleas, the movie injects the element of a local kidnapping that has been connected to a previous string of homicides. An A.P.B. was put out for a blue Mustang with a dent on the front bumper. Ironically enough, Kale's neighbor, Robert Turner, happens to have a whip that matches that description. End plot element...we need more shots of Ashley in her bikini. Ashley takes a dip, but then catches Kale and Ronnie spying on her.


James Bond he ain't...


So she reacts like every other teenage girl after finding out she's getting spied...she heads on over to hang out with the two creepy guys. Not only that, but she has no problem going along with Kale's theory of Turner being behind the kidnapping. She even suggests a steak out. The bad acting is not helping this story any, guys...this isn't Cinemax; T&A can't save this movie. Much...

The Tremendous Trio (As opposed to Dynamic Duo...get it? Ugh...sorry) gather their spy gear, while Ashley reads some articles about how the killer mangled his victim's bodies and stuffed them in his walls. Ugh...could you imagine the smell? How grotesque is this sociopath? Well...Scooby Doo Crew decide not to worry about those silly details and instead order a pizza. Maybe calling this movie a Rear Window rip off was too presumptuous of me. It's not nearly as interesting.

After pizza, Turner is seen bringing home a chick. After a few of those "It looks like he's gonna kill her, but doesn't now let's all laugh" moments, Ashley heads out. Kale goes back to his voyeurism because, let's face it, that's all he can do. He sees the brat kids from earlier watching porn. Thanks for foreshadowing the revenge, movie...we get it. Then, something exciting happens; the chick at Turner's is seen freaking out and getting chased around the house by Turner. Kale records it and expects the worst, but then notices the woman's car leaving a few seconds later. She wasn't running for her life, Kale, she just realized that the guy she is about to blow is old enough to be her grandfather. Seriously, the dude looks like Hanible Lector's brother. What's even worse, come the next morning, is that Kale's mother's car got a flat and Turner helped her out. He appears in their kitchen acting pompous. Douche...I know you're the killer, Turner, the movie isn't capable of complex character and plot developments. Your presumptuousness can't fool me.

Creep, right? Well the movie thinks we need more building of the love interest. Guys, a great aspect of Rear Window was that the character already had his love interest. The point wasn't developing HIS character...it was supposed to show how people react. The true inner workings of the human interactions. Disturbia is failing in that aspect, and it's no more evident because now we focus back on Kale and Ashley's newly found love interest. Ashley is having a party, Kale can't go so he gets jealous and blasts his music over to her's in order to screw it up. Dude, lighten up. You wanna party? Next time don't give your Spanish teacher el righto hooko. Actually, this scene is funny if only because it is so mischievous and quirky. But, it really doesn't fit with the fact that, just a few minutes ago, you were trying to convince me the neighbor is a psychopath. See where I'm goin' with this? The movie takes 1 step forward and 2 steps back. It's getting on my last nerves...





Chris Brown beat talent into one Distubria...think he can go 2 for 2? What...too soon?



Anyway, Ashley comes over to confront why Kale is being such a douche. Faced with the question from Ashley of, "What does he look at when he spies on the neighborhood." Wait...I can answer that one.





Actually, Kale has a realization. A proverbial coming of age where he explains that Ashley isn't vein, no, she has special qualities that transcend most. The movie finally discovers what it really should be the root of this movie, the true scope of the human interactions. Then they kiss and he gets to second base. I feel like I dove into the shallow end of the pool: it seemed fun at first, but ended in pain. But before Kale can drop the panties, Ashley hears a commotion coming from Turner's. She notices blood spatter on the windows and him dragging a heavy bag into the garage. Holy shit, movie...way to break up the scrumping. It really is so jarring...to, at one moment see them making out, and then a sudden cut to blood getting spewed across a window to a screeching orchestra. Weird.

Because they now believe he is truly a killer, the 3 device a plan to get into his car and acquire his garage door opener in order to gain access to Turner's house. What's the plan? Ashley follows Turner to the hardware store to follow him, Kale plays commander and relays Ashley's info to Ronnie who is, I swear to God, picking Turner's lock in the middle of the daylight. Good call...I'm sure the close knit community won't notice. Tragically, Ashley loses Turner in the store after she bumps into a girl she knows...I think. The back-and-forth is weird:
Ashley: *Bumps into girl, drops phone*
Woman: "Oh...hi, Ashley!"
Ashley: "Oh hi....Skinny-Minny."
Woman: "Where did you hear that name?"
And scene...

Yeah, I don't get it either. Anyway, Ashley gets into her car and tries to find Turner and...oh...she does. He stands right in front of her car, climbs in, and "kindly" asks her and her friends to stop following him. Ashley...tell him to GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOU CAR. Guys...I'm trying not to use anymore "face palm" picks, but these movies make it so hard to resist. Following that ordeal, Ashley thinks they should call off the spying, but she isn't under house arrest. Kale has none of that and, luckily, has a reason to break into Turner's crib. Oh...but before I tell you that, here's a question for you, movie: Ashley was the one who saw the blood on the window, why is she the one to give up? Isn't the proof up until this point convincingly pointing toward the conclusion that Turner is, in fact, a homicidal maniac? Think about it, hero.

Back to the rant...Ronnie, being the oblivious Asian he is, dropped his phone in Turner's car so now he needs to go get it. Kale hooks him up with a camera and the hacked garage door opener and sends Ronnie in. Kale, you're a coward. Stop sending your lone friend into...actually, Ronnie is annoying, I hope he gets butchered. He gets his phone, and then locates bloody rags. Nasty. Then the garage door closes and, instead of re-opening it and running, he runs in the house. Most...illogical. Kale fears for his friend so he darts out and over to Turner's. Why doesn't he just call the cops? If he leaves...nevermind...idiot. He bangs at the door, bat in hand, and then the cops show up. Duh. The cops cuff him and are ready to take him, but Kale tells them that Ronnie is still inside and Turner has a dead body in the house. Well, the body turns out to be a deer. He cut up a deer and kept it in his garage? What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Clearly he is crazy. Ok...that's one question answered, but where's Ronnie? Yeah...the cops really don't look into that one too much. Ronnie ends up escaping somehow and heads back over to Kale's.

An entire night of false assumptions leads to Kale's mom worrying that Turner might press charges, so she heads over to explain and apologize. Ronnie hooks up his camera to the computer so he can show how cool his escape from Turner's was. While watching his mother converse with Turner, Kale notices something on the video: the face of a decaying body. Oh shit...I KNEW IT! Turner is a psycho...Turner is a killer...Turner is...in the house. Yeah, after taking a pipe to Ronnie's face, he goes after Kale. They have a scuffle which ends up in Kale getting duct tapped. But don't worry, Ashley shows up and helps out. They run out of the house, triggering the bracelet to go off. Gutierrez is called to the scene, but like the excellent law enforcer he is, has to finish his burger before responding. Very responsible of him.


Disturbia's crack law enforcer: Police Chief Wiggum!

Kale searches the house, all at once revealing what we already know. Officer Wiggum is not far behind, too bad Turner jumps out of a corner and snaps his neck. Is Turner an ex-military guy? Movie...you have established that he can take a guy much younger than him and has black-ops skills, but you never told us how. Thanks for that. Never the less, Kale makes his way down to the most creepiest of dungeons this side of Silence of the Lambs. Kale locates his mother and frees her from the restraints, but she falls backwards into the arms of Turner. That sly bastard...I guess he wanted 5 different ways to get into this dive, huh? Regardless, him and Kale duke it out, with dale shoving a pair of giant garden sheers into his chest. Take that, bitch!

Hurray! Kale saved his mom, Ronnie is safe, the killer is dead and his victims avenged. Oh...of course the most important thing, Kale gets the chick. How could we have a movie with LaDouce end WITHOUT him getting a girl? Ugh...


This is far from the worst movie I've seen. Hell, it's not even Shia's worst. But the fact that it completely bit off one of my favorite director's work is what puts this shitter over the top. Don't get me wrong, this movie blows. Shia has exactly 2 different levels of emotion: serious with a side of awe, and stupid dry humor expressions. The movie, aside from being a rip off, is nothing more than a gory teen movie. Within the first hour of the movie, you know the plot. You know that Turner is the killer and will get his in the end. There is never any guess. But that's not the soul problem, instead of creating more conflict between the community, Ashley, Ronnie, the mother, or anybody else...the movie just glazes over issues. Why wouldn't Ashley be more suspicious after the crazy hops in her car? Why wouldn't the cops even look for Ronnie, regardless of whether he broke in or not, they would look. Oh...and c'mon...Ronnie caught the smell of 1 dead deer in the garage as soon as he opened it. When the cops walked in the front, they would smell the multiple bodies decaying in the walls.

Like I mentioned, Rear Window isn't about scaring you, it's about putting you in suspense. This movie never does this. If you don't believe it's a rip off...you're an idiot. The Sheldon Abend Revocable Trust (The owners of the original story) ended up suing DreamWorks for the theft of intellectual property. This movie is not only a rip off, but a poor attempt at capturing a classic. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take my self-righteous, novelty loving ass and going to check out more painfully awful movies. Yeah...I'm outta jokes....so....