Movie Ranting 9: Knowing

Have you ever been bored, broke, and unbelievably delirious at the same time? I have...that's the only rational explanation for me even considering to watch this movie. Let's mark off all the things that will sink this movie faster than a boat hitting an ice cube:
-Nicholas Cage is in the lead roll...ugh...
-Nicholas Cage is in a Sci Fi thriller...
-A National Treasure clone + more at stake x Nicholas Cage = 3 week old garbage

Still, I found myself standing at the Red Box picking this movie because for some diluted and unknown reason to myself, I thought it could be good. I thought that it might just bend the bracket and invent something interesting in the Sci Fi genre I have yet to see. I honestly don't remember the last time I was THIS wrong regarding a movie. And you know what the worst part is? This flick tries to convey a religious theme. So this movie tries to pitch subtle religious anecdotes to the audience? Great. Let's play a game...I'll try to depict these symbols throughout the rant and you try to pick up on it by the end. If you guess right, you'll win one free chest slap...courtesy of yours truly. Knowing what I now know about Knowing, I wish I didn't know a damn thing about Knowing.

The movie begins in the year in the year 1959 with this off beat little girl, who looks like she needs to get some sleep, staring off into space with some eerie whispers in the background. Very creepy. This little girl's name is, Lucinda - a 6 year old basket case. Lucinda's class has a plan to do something for the future, and Lucinda's idea has been selected by the school - keep that in mind. The idea is for all the children to draw a picture of what they believe the future will look like. Most of the children draw beautiful pictures of robots, flying cars, modern advances that would make the Jetsons green with envy. Lucinda, of course, is your basic creepy girl and she fills the entire sheet of paper up with numbers. Silly girl, binary code is just ones and zeroes. Regardless of her teacher's disappointment in Lucinda's choice of pictures, the paper is placed in the time capsule, underneath a 8-point star emblem. I hope you're paying attention to detail...there will be a quiz later.

Although the celebration is a joyous one, Lucinda goes missing, and her teacher realizes it. Naturally, they go a-lookin' for her. Her teacher stumbles upon Lucinda inside a closet, in the school basement, carving out numbers on the inside of a door with her FINGER NAILS. Holy shit...are this little girl's nails made of adamantium? Lucinda is creepy...she shoulda gotten the nod over that Grudge movie little girl, she's much more of a freak...just sayin'.


Yeah...you can suck someone into their own hoodie, but can you carve numbers into a wooden door with your nails? Didn't think so...hack.

The movie transitions to present day by looking down upon the Earth from, what one could assume, is outer space. SYMBOLISM! After a tortuously slow moving introductory credits, we finally meet up with John Koestler (Cage) cooking on the grill and looking through a telescope with his son Caleb (Chandler Canterbury). Let me weave you a depiction of these two on screen: aggravating. John is a pompous astrology professor at MIT and his son is a vexatious little brat. Caleb's character doesn't seem to fit the roll of a 12 year old, but more of a 20 year old; he plans on becoming a vegetarian, is much too logical for a pre-teen, and although I liked his rebellious attitude towards his father, it has become a nuisance. Typical...I bash the two main characters not even 20 minutes into the movie, I'm too cynical.

John goes to his son's bedroom, where Caleb is enjoying the Discovery Channel. John mentioned earlier that "It's just us two out here," insinuating that it's just him and his son searching for other worldly life - it was meant to be dry humor, but I guess Caleb didn't get it because John has to explain his meaning. See? What child thinks like this? We find out that John doesn't not believe in a Heaven, or any other purpose or determination in life. He is, in a sense, a creationist. This will be touched upon later...for now, we get a cutesy little hand gesture and transition to the next morning.

John is lecturing his class and begins to discuss the differences between determinism and creationism. In a nut shell, he describes determinism as the belief that there is a purpose for us being here. That everything has a reason for happening. Creationism, in his words, is simply just a random set of events that have occurred to lead up to an event. There is no purpose, just an arbitrary chain of events. Now, before I continue...the movie is off on both accounts. John, as stated, is a creationist because he does not believe there is a purpose to anything. That's fine, but for an MIT instructor he must think I don't know a thing.

He states that determinism means there is purpose, but this is incorrect because as far as we know only humans can ascribe purpose to things...i.e...the most we can deduce is that dogs do not put a meaning to the water being in their bowl, they just drink from it and want the water. Humans, however, will ascribe a purpose to that cup holding the water; we want the cup to hold the water so it makes the consumption of the water less difficult. Just because there is a causal relationship between one thing and another does not mean that the cause has a purpose. If you trip and fall, sure the thing you tripped on is part of the cause of your fall, but there was no purpose ascribed to what you tripped over. If you were to look at it beforehand, it had no reason for being there. It is in hindsight that we desire to find a reason, and attempt to understand by refer a purpose. The movie assumes an originally ascribed purpose, which is the primary flaw in the entire line of reasoning of the movie, and it is never addressed.

John then states that the alternative to determinism is random chance, and he even mentions "random mutations" as if to put evolution by natural selection as part of the opposing side of his previously declared dichotomy. This is, again, absolutely incorrect because evolution is deterministic, there is a causal relationship between the change in allele frequencies. If you accept determinism, it is absolutely absurd to state that mutations in an organisms are actually random. There is proof to evolution, and that proof certainly does not point to natural selection being a game of chance. To sum it up, the movie's most highlighted inner conflict has been tainted by the fact that it can't even get it's own ideas straight.

Class is dismissed...do your homework, because there is a test on Monday.


Good news everyone! Professor Nintendo Head is finally going to shut the hell up!

Ugh...professor John is a cynical bastard, that's what's wrong with colleges these days. He dismisses class after he has an epiphany that he doesn't realizes he doesn't have any purpose in life...loser. Afterwards, he meets up with his buddy and college, Phil. Phil tries to talk him into coming over to dinner with someone, but John's parenting duties call and he has to rush over to his son's school because today is the 50 year mark since the time capsule has been put in place. The capsule is picked up and all the students are given the pictures drawn 50 years earlier. All the children receive those precious and beautiful pictures of the kids from 5 decades ago, except Caleb, that is. He receives Lucinda's numerical page. That's boring...he should scribble scrabble over it with crayons, don't you think?

Later that evening, John notices that Caleb brought home the paper stating that, "He thinks it might have some sort of secret meaning." What kid knows about numerology at 12?! John gets intrigued by it later on, after a drink no less. Actually, I think John has a bit of a drinking problem. Does he go to class every morning hungover? Maybe that's why he zones out. After spilling a drink on the paper, John notices an odd sequence of numbers, "911012996," or "9/11/01 2996." What significance does that have? The attack on September 9th, 2001 killed 2996 people. Crazy, huh? John, being the rationale guy who doesn't put a purpose on to anything begins to analyze the entire sheet's sequence of numbers and use the Internet to research the dates and events. As expected, the page is filled with dates of tragic events that killed many people - describing the date and amount of casualties. It's a good scene and does a sound job of pulling you into the dramatic discovery made. Of course, Nicholas Cage not having to say a line in this sequence REALLY helps that.


DrunkBum John sez, "I dun wanna hear ur crazy conspiracy theories. I just want anutter beer."

The next day John heads to work and confers with his buddy Phil that he is, in fact, a lunatic. In order to try and suppress that crazy feeling, John heads Miss Taylor (Lucinda's teacher) who is still alive to ask her some questions about the little girl. Ms. Taylor describes that day when Lucinda wrote all those numbers on the paper and that she had to stop, then later she found Lucinda scratching at the door. Fat lot of good that did you, John.

Later that evening, John is still trying to find out some answers, when he notices that Caleb is outside talking to a mysterious man in a car who gave Caleb...*dramatic music*...a black sedimentary rock. Those fiends! Didn't John ever teach his kid not to talk to strangers? Maybe he should stop hitting the bottle and being so cynical so he can parent, once in a while. Alcoholic. But, the family issues have not ceased. No, in fact they are about to get worse and I believe this is where the movie begins to loose sight; right at the start of the second act. John's relative (niece, daughter, sister, cousin? I don't know...the movie isn't clear) Grace arrives and begins to vaguely give us some back story insight on how John does not like his father...who happens to be a pastor. Does he not like him BECAUSE he is a pastor, or just because he's got some daddy issues? Actually, on second thought, I don't care. Why is this scene in the movie? It dilutes it and tampers with the, up to this point, steady flow of the plot. I don't like Grace, anyway. She's an uppity scunt. Screw you, Grace, and your relationship to John.

That evening, or...later that night I guess, John is watching the Depressing-News searching for an event that will take the lives of 81 people, which is pointed out on the sheet of paper. He passes out and does not awake, presumably, until later that afternoon when his son calls and asks for him to pick him up. He's a dead beat dad, an alcoholic, and a sort of a cynical careless bum. Either way, on his way to pick up Caleb he gets stuck in traffic and is presumably ready to make amends with Phil and take him up on an offer to go out Friday night. That is, until he notices an oddity on his GPS, the coordinates read out a sequence of numbers that matches the numbers on the piece of paper. The numbers that he didn't circle before, are the GPS locations of the tragedies. Oh shit, John...the event is going to happen where you're at! As John is talking to a police officer about the accident, a passenger plane comes tearing through the skies and crash lands at the field adjacent to the road. It's quite a gruesome scene, depicting people burning and screaming, what throws me off about it is the reactions from John...they don't seem to match what he should look like. It's hard to explain, really, but it just doesn't seem normal. Still, as guessed, 81 people die in the crash. If there was any doubt, it is gone now: the paper is for real.

John arrives home a complete mental and emotional mess. He ensures Caleb does not find out about the accident because...well...just because, I guess. After ordering Caleb to go to bed, the boy throws some sort of, "I'm not a kid anymore" crap. Is the movie trying to establish something here? If it is...the flick is doing a piss poor job. John has an emotional break down, but that's ok...he's got the boose to help him forget!


Got a lil' sorrow in ya? Just drink those memories away and hide them deep inside your subconscious. You can be: Captain Repressed Memory.


Caleb is sleeping, but then waken by a shadowy figure in his room who points outside. The child looks outside to see that everything has been burnt and is being destroyed, even the wild life trying to flee. NO! NOT THE MOOSE! You bastards...how dare you harm the moooooose!


Those sons of bitches...Bullwinkle will thoroughly PWN their asses for this douche-baggery!

After his son screeches in fear, John runs to his side to reassure him. Reassure ME that the moose is ok, John! But, wait...John notices a shadowy figure in the forest and runs out side to scare him off. It actually looks like a Jason scene, but before you can say "che...che...che...ah...ah...ah" the scene cuts away? That's just stupid editing and lazy writing. Now it's day time, and John and Caleb are in a car out front of Lucinda's daughter's house. Stalkers. I'm not kidding...they track her down, then follow her to a museum, where the mother and daughter are going. This is getting weird, I get the feeling John is going to ask this lady to "Put the lotion in the basket." Aside from John on the verge of pulling a Kobe on this chick, he tries to pry information out of her about her passed mother, the creepy little girl from before, Lucinda. The woman, Diana, like most people does not take kindly to being asked by random strangers if her mother was a certified freak. She ups and leaves, leaving John still at square one: oblivious to what is going on.

I don't blame Diana for ditching John, Nicholas Cage reads his lines like a robot. I guess emotion is for the weak! What bugs me about the scene is that Diana seems to jump off the handle at an odd time in the conversation. Wouldn't natural human curiosity at least guide her to reading the sheet of paper? I mean, how else could this complete stranger know what he knows? Strikes me as odd, is all.

John's smart-pants degree and gig at MIT is leading him to no answers, so he decides to become more involved. He sends Caleb to his annoying niece (daughter? sister? Whatever...) and researches where the next event will take place. It just so happens the event will take place at a crowded and typically busy intersection. Wow...Lucinda really hated New York, this is the second threat to this regional area in this many days! Our hero figures it would be nice to warn someone, so he calls up the FBI from a pay phone and tells them where the attack will take place and that it would be wise to shut down the corner. The following day, John makes his way to the location and finds that not only is it not shut down, but there isn't any kind of federal involvement at all. Yeah fuckin' right...on the news, John heard that there was the threat of an attack on American soil, which obviously means the FBI is on the look out. Then a mysterious stranger, calling from a pay phone, warns them of where the attack will occur and the FBI doesn't take any action? Blow me. This isn't a continuity issue...it's a lack of common sense issue.




After asking a cop why the corner hadn't been shut down, John takes off into the subway in order to avoid getting questioned by some other officers. Hiding amongst the crowd, our hero spots a shady fellow hiding behind one of the columns, and then running away with something in his hand. Clearly this is the would-be attacker! A very boring and choppy chase scene later, we find out that the shady looking fellow is not concealing a bomb, but a few illegally gained DVDs. This is why John is a teacher, and not a CSI; his intuition blows. While they are all getting a ride on the train, a malfunction in the tracks derails the train and slams into another loading area. It's actually a disturbing, and impactful scene...the movie does this very well. Too well, because it is actually difficult for me to watch. John had the right place, but he should now learn that these events are not just human-imposed, but are also by random events. The unpredictability is what makes it scary.

The tragic event leads John to the last place he can turn for any kind of answers, back to Diana? Yeah...after hearing about the event and John being involved, she decides to aid him uncover what the hell is going on. In order to unveil this mystery, John, Diana, and the children head back to Lucinda's house; a small cottage in the middle of the creepy woods. They leave the kids in the car, and fart around the house, rustling through anything that could tip off what was passing through Lucinda's young mind. After a small trip down memory lane with Diana, John stumbles across the "Profit Ezekiel's Vision of Merkaba." This is an illustration of what Ezekiel (a renowned profit) saw, depicting a fiery creature, a floating wheel, and what appears to be Jesus in the heavens. All of which will play a roll later on in the movie.


The image of relevance!

They pocket the picture, and move on to the bedroom. There they find another one of those black rocks...actually, quite a few. That's not the most important revelation, however, as the children in the vehicle are being surrounded by those shadowy figures, whispering inaudible, and characteristically, eerie things. Feeling curious about why the rocks are under the bed, John flips it up to see what is written on the underside of the wodden frame. It turns out that the label "EE" on the paper does not represent one person...as the bed has "Everyone" engraved multiple times on it. The perverbial end of the world. A horn erupting alerts John and Diana, as they dash out to the car to check on their kids. John spots one of the shadow figures, grabs his gun, and chases after him. He finally catches up and demands to know what he wants with his son, the seemingly human only responds by opening his mouth and flashing an illuminous light at John. The fuck? Did he eat a projector? Well...regardless, the paper hasn't been wrong yet, and it predicts the END OF ZE WORLD will happen tomorrow. You guys need to lighten up...here, have some comedy:



With the end of the everything uncertainly approaching, John notices Abby drawing a picture; it's a recreatment of the Ezekiel illustration, but this time with the sun being emphasised around God. John darts over to MIT and reveals that the sun is about to let off a huge burst of solar radiation that will destroy the Earth. It's very ominous and, again, the movie does a good job of delivering a good scene...certainly, my problem with it is not on the basic film making layer.

The demise is approaching, so the crew decides to try and gather supplies to hide in a relatively hidden cave. John calls his father, whom with he hasn't talked to in a while, and warns him to relocate somewhere safe. His father is a devout Christian and decides that if it is his time, he will not "fight the Lord's will." Ok then. Frustrated and ready to go, John calls for everyone to gather their things and leave. Caleb, however, is not responding. He is upstairs writing down more cryptic numbers on a sheet of paper. Weird...but if the world is going to end what's the point? I dunno..whatever. John has an epiphany, though, and instead of heading for the hills, he goes to the elementary school to take the door that Lucinda engraved numbers on. How does he know it's the door, anyway? Hello...I have a feeling this last act is begining to unravel. John uncovers the 50 year old numbers, but is too late to tell Diana and the two kids about it; they have already departed. Hurry, John, you have the location on where to go!

Diana has become an emotional wreck, but that is no excuse for mediocre acting. She stops at a convinience store for some gas. While getting into a go-nowhere argument with John on the phone (Yes, he has the only working cell phone in the world), the car is stolen, along with the chilrdren, by the shadowy people. Diana steals another car...most illogical, and promptly gets t-boned by a truck when trying to run a red light. She gone. This is getting some kinda weird Final Destination vibe. Not really feeling it. Anyway, John has a sentimental moment over Diana's death, and then proceeds to the destination of Lucinda's old house in the creepy woods. That's where all of this is going down.

John locates the epicenter of all this happening, not to mention his son and Abby. So...what is the big revelation? The Shawdowy-Whisper people are, in fact...uhh...aliens? What? It's difficult to explain, but I guess the most simplest explanation is that these figures are, in fact, angels. I guess angels ride in space ships. Apparently, they have been sent to get the two children (Caleb and Abby) to "Start over." Huh...well, way to break the paradime of what we all think angels should be. These guys are douche bags, John is not allowed to follow his son to this new place. Only the "Chosen ones" can go. These "angels" turn into some kind of energy/higher being form and take their kids into the space ship...leaving the other 6 billion residents of earth to die. Thanks.


Dramatization:
-"You see our space ship, that shit is a Dodge."
-"I though we only drove Christ-lers?"
-"That joke is from the devil...let's get off this planet, this place is a dive."

As the world is going to hell in a hand basket, due to the madness of the situation, an odd song that doesn't fit the scene at all plays with John driving to his father's home. The scene is much too sureal for me to even explain...just take my word on it, it's fucking weird. Either way, it has begun, the sun destroys the ozone layer and ignites the ground causing a firey wall of death to engulf everything in its path. It's a good looking scene...but oh...it doesn't make a bit of fucking sense.

TRANSITION! We are now in...uh...unbenounced location, with Caleb, Abby, and the hundreds upon thousands of other chosen kids. They all run gracefully towards a large tree that, obviously, is an allusion to the Tree of Knowledge from the bible. So...does this make this the Garden of Eve, Heaven, what? TELL ME! Ugh...


This movie isn't horrible, per se, but it is far from good. Some people this movie has a strong first two acts, I think those people are out of their mind; this movie blows from start to finish. Am I asking to much to have my movies make sense? Because this one certainly does not. There's some unanswered questions and resolutions that really don't explain a whole helluva lot. What do the black rocks symbolize? Really...they are around whenever someone dies, so is it some kind of marker of death? I don't understand. It seems as if the director rushed the final part of the film, especially, because the story sputters and any kind of clever plot developments kind of sputter off into obscurity.

How do the children carve the numbers, so easily, into tough wooden pallets? It's not a plot hole...it's just something that bothers me.

Oh...and the creationist propaganda, let's not look over that. This movie is all about proping up the fact that they are alluding to Christianity with certain plot points. That's nice, but it leaves a lot to be desired. Mainly, what's the point of destroying the Earth? At least in other movies there is some sort of connection to why us silly humans have to die, take a God awful movie in The Happening; we are harming the Earth with our pollution and the plants have begun to kill us off. Yeah...it's completely idiotic, but at least it's a reason. This movie NEVER gives a reason for the destruction of the planet. Which, correct me if I'm wrong, is the entire point to the film...even the damned movie is telling me it doesn't have to be here. I mean, is it a "Noah's Ark" kinda deal? Our world has been too consumed by evil? But then, why kill us all off? Why not try to show us the err of our ways; not all of us are terrible people, Shadow-Angels. And the angels...ugh. They ride in a space ship and are cold hearted. Didn't God say he wouldn't do this to us again? You make me angry...


You conspire against me? The God of War?!


Just sitting down and watching this movie, it won't make you think...it will make you hurt because, clearly, the director didn't give it enough thought. Cage's acting does not make this thing any better. Avoid it like the plague, and Ben Roethlisberger in a dark alley. The credits have rolled...and I cannot take another second of pain.

By the way, did you play along? Did you get everything that was symbolical? Good...what you found has no purpose, no value, and you will win nothing. To cash in your prize, send 20 dollars to my Paypal account and provide a valid credit card number. Enjoy.

Old Time Movie Rants 7: Xmen 3: The Last Stand

My first dive into this blogging habit was X-Men Origins. But, let's face it, that wasn't the first X-men movie to bend over and take it. X-Men 3: The Last Stand is really the first one in the series to suck. I didn't like the first X-Men movie, but I did think X2 was greatly improved. So naturally, I had high hopes for the conclusion in the trilogy. There goes Hollywood...jizzing on my face, once again. Brett Ratner took the job away from Bryan Singer, who did the first 2 flicks. Why? I guess they weren't big enough hits. Well...they were certainly better than this crap. Think of X3 as Marvel's answer to the Return of the Sith. I have come full circle to layeth the smack down on this movie's candy ass. Let's get right in to it...


The flick opens up with Professor Xavier and Magneto visiting a young Jeane Grey, inviting her to join his school. She shows off her power by lifting every car in the neighborhood, and Stan Lee's water from his garden hose. Huh...3 minutes in and we already have our mandatory Stan Lee cameo. Xaiver offers his typical mantra, and that segways to a young Warren Worthington (Mutant name: Angel) who is in the bathroom trying to cut off the wings beginning to protrude from his back. His father barges into the bathroom (Dad, that's a big no-no. He could have had a stolen Playboy...that woulda been awkward) and sees what is going on then proclaims, "Oh no...not you too." Thanks, dad. Way to support me. Douche. Someone is gonna have some daddy issues...now, roll the opening credits!



Ya...daddy issues? Boo-Frickety-Hoo!


Now, in the "Not too distant future" (where they still employ Halle Barry in movies, apparently) our cast of heroes are running from something big. A big robot, perhaps. Storm notices that they aren't fairing too well against this monstrosity, so mandatory bad ass, Wolverine, has Colossus toss him at the head of the beast. Logan cuts off its head, and it turns out to be a Centinal. What? The movie thought it was better to NOT show the ultimate mutant killing machine, as explained in great detail throughout all the comics and cartoons? This movie is already facing a 0-1 start.

Storm is displeased with Logan's gung-ho attitude towards the training program...God only knows why. He's only been like that for 2 movies, Storm. That sends Logan away, and he finds Scott. Scott has just experienced a mental breakdown due to the loss of Jean. Poor Scott...oh well, at least the movie won't kill a main character like that off early after a blind attempt to get his love back. That would be stupid.

We cut to Washington, where Beast (The Secretary of Mutant Rights...or something) who is being briefed on the apprehension of Mystique. Nice bargaining chip, make sure you guys don't screw it up. Oh...and there has been a mutant cure developed by Warren Worthington (Angel's father). After a really stupid negotiating scene, uh...nothing happens, actually. I guess we've established that the X-men suck at training, Scott is upset, and Mystique is captured. Does the director understand that he has to solidify a plot point before creating a new one? I mean...leaving me hanging 'till later is fine, but damn movie, let's stick with something and expand on it.

Back at the school (ugh...I'm getting that Resident Evil cut-shot vibe going), Storm is upset again, this time because of the cure. She thinks that any mutant who would want to get this cure is nothing but a coward. A low down, dirty, coward. So in walks Rogue, a character, in this movie, that is better suited to Twilight rather than X-men.

Side rant...about Rogue. In all the movies, she has been nothing but a whiny little brat that has had zero, ZERO, character development. She is a one dimensional, annoying, selfish, and worthless character who doesn't even resemble the character from the cartoon. Rogue is supposed to be a stacked, southern female who can absorb other's life power, but also shoot fireworks out of her hands and fly. Where is all that? Huh? I guess because Rogue in the movie also has that white strip of hair, resembling that of the cartoon character, makes her the same. Fuck it...


These directors are dumber than a prairie dog crossing the highway, don't ya think, sugar?

Sorry, I forgot this movie is trying to establish a sustainable plot, we cut to a mutant rally where they are discussing the cure. The speaker suggests that they form a group to speak with the government in order to stop this madness. Magneto, however, finds that route a bit too bland. He proposes putting together a sort of brotherhood in order to fight back against the humans trying to exterminate the mutant race. Huzzah! He also recruits a mutant who can help him find Mystique. That's...very convenient. I sense another cut shot coming...

Yeah...called it. After a brief stint of Beast meeting Leech (the boy who is the source of the cure), we are taken to Scott fresh off his mental breakdown. He is riding his bike back to the lake where Jean gave her life in the previous movie. Continuous whispers of Jean's voice say "Scott" and it drives him crazy. A huge whirlpool is created in the water and a force knocks him back. Emerging from the water is...Jean! Yeah, no shit. Typical film move, bring back a dead character 'cause they don't have the balls to keep him/her dead. Scott asks her how she is still alive. Her response? "I don't know." Ha...20 bucks says the producers don't know either. Lazy ass writers. They share a kiss...and then Jean kills off the leader of the X-men. Fuck me this is stupid. They just killed off one of the main characters...the leader of the team. Yet Jean gets to come back due to the writers not able to come up with better plot elements. Anger...rising...


Fat Cat does an impersonation of the X3 writers.

Wolverine and Storm are sent to the lake after the Professor has an epiphany. The two find Scott's shades..floating in mid air, and they also find Jean, who is unconscious. They take her back to the Professor, and he explains that she survived because her powers, "Created a telekinetic cocoon that protected her." My ass...that's the best they can come up with? Xavier also explains that Jean Grey is practically a walking God and he put a mental block on her powers so she wouldn't blow up the Earth. Xavier should put a mental block on me, 'cause when I get angry at stupid movies I tend to destroy the world. Wolverine has a back and forth with X about the morals of him hindering Jean's powers...idiot. Logan, she can kill you all with a thought...Xavier did the right thing. Stick to being a killing machine and not doing any thinking. By the way...this is Jean's alter-ego, "The Phoenix."



The Phoenix and Zombie Jean Grey
They are NOT the same...idiots.

The plot comes crashing into the scene, and leads us back to the line that mutants are making at the building to get the vaccine containing the cure. On the other side of the street, however, are protesters, not very happy about this whole vaccine thing. I don't blame 'em. Inside the building, Angel is going to be the first mutant to receive the cure because he is a complete disgrace to his father. I don't blame his dad...if my son is a mutant, he'd better shoot death rays or stop time....ANYTHING besides growing angel wings. Just before he is about to receive the cure, he decides against it and breaks these chains of restraint...thus shattering the hold his father has on his life. Damn...that would be interesting if we had had these two in the movie for more than 2 minutes, so far. This movie not only has too many plot lines, it focuses on the wrong ones.


Daddy issues? You can't hold me down dad...I AM A MAN!

Magneto finally meets up with the convoy that is holding Mystique (among other mutants) and takes it over. Oooo...I hope we get to meet more characters that the audience can't get emotionally attached too. Following about 5 unnecessary corny lines, our new members of the Brotherhood are: James Mavericks (Multiple Man) - he agrees to join the club after zero persuasion...nice, Jane Marco (The Juggernaut). And, yes, I do plan on making a "I'm the Juggernaut" joke later. The crew is very confident with their new additions, that is, until a security guard puts a dart into Mystique and un-mutates her. Yeah...they just eliminated another main mutant. There aren't enough facepalm pictures to use here so to express my complete displeasure. Movie, you can't just continue to eliminate main characters from the movie as you wish. At this rate, Professor X is going to get the hook. Please don't do it...regardless, Magneto drops Mystique like a crazy girlfriend. Harsh.

We have a brief scene with Beast that accomplishes nothing before catching up with Jean and Wolverine. I must have switched on to Skinemax, because Jean mounts Logan like she's in a cheap porno. The foreplay scene doesn't last, however, because Logan remembers he has E.D. Right...the animal-like mutant curbed his primal instinct to ram her on the table because of logic. Jean, upset that she is left cold, storms out and...another worthless scene down the drain. This movie is really achieving a lot. Professor X is pissed at Logan for bringing an end to the world by releasing the most powerful mutant inside Jean Grey. So Xavier heads to..uhh...her house? Ok...and is met their by Magneto, who is there to recruit Jean (Now to be referred to as Phoenix) to the Brotherhood. He's goal orientated.

After a few bumps coming from the house, Logan decides he's going in. Ok...that garners a worthless fight scene between him and Storm, versus the Shmucks from the Brotherhood, naturally, right? Juggernaut tosses Logan around, doesn't Logan know who he's fighting? While the 5 brawl over...purpose not given, Phoenix begins levitating the house, and Xavier. Movie, what are you thinking? Yeah...you guessed it: The movie kills off ANOTHER main character. Christ's sake, who the hell is going to be left for the final act? This is worse than when the Transformers (1986) animated movie killed off all its characters to issue a new line of toys. Have any of these character's dismissals even led to a realization or important development? Can..erm...could Professor Xavier walk? Exactly.


2 tasteless jokes in these many minutes...still, it is more respectful than what the movie did to him.

Movie has a mandatory funeral scene in which I'm supposed to care. Movie, you just killed off the catalyst for the entire X-men series. I'm not sad he's dead, I'm upset the writers are still breathing. Since teenage sorrow and romance is the reason I dig this movie, Iceman takes Kitty (Who is NOT 19...she looks 12), I swear to God, ice skating. Nice move, dope. Like your girlfriend ISN'T watching you flirt with this under aged chick. This is almost as mind boggling as that scene in Spider man 3 when Peter kissed that girl when he KNEW M.J. was watching. Did these 2 directors go to the same party school? Idiots. Of course, this whole thing angers Rogue, so she decides this is the last straw. The straw that broke the camels back. The straw that...sucks like this movie. Hey, bad blogging for bad dialogue, people. Rogue is going to go get the cure. What's are character casualty list at? I lost count after Cyclops.

Note: We are half way through the movie; the 57 minute mark. What have we accomplished? Help your neighbor, the answer is: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! God this movie sucks.


Get it?

After some more 7th Heaven-esque teenage drivel, we catch up with our pal Magneto in the woods with a whole army of non-complacent mutants. I'd explain all the nothing-ness that goes on in this scene, but I don't care. Another part that just dies off with no purpose...like all the characters in this God forsaken thing. It's an analogy for itself. Sorry...I got caught up in the hate, back to whatever plot line we are in. Right, Magneto issues a threat, Pyro blows up the building where the cure is in a terrorist act, and the army is getting strapped for a battle. There, you're caught up. Time for more delusional actions from Logan...he wouldn't bang Jean, but he'll try and save the Phoenix. Ass. Wolverine storms Magneto's tree huggers group in a forest and, whoa, and honest to goodness action sequence? Yeah...it's short lived, but at least we finally have one. Though, it only lasts until Wolverine walks in on Magneto holding his Klan meeting with the Brotherhood, hyping up his army for some cross burnings..or human killings, whichever. But then, oops, Wolverine once again is caught by Magneto and they have a conversation that is SO close to having God's honest character development it's scaring. Wolverine calls out Magneto for not comprehending the Phoenix's powers and for not helping his friend Xavier. You know, he's got a point. Magneto befriended Xavier, even though they stood for different things; he never wanted the Professor dead. So he could convince her to join his clan, but not hesitate to kill off Xavier? I'm calling shenanigans...oops, sorry, times up. Scene over...we need more shots of Zombie Jean Grey standing around trying to make dramatic faces. ACTING AT IT'S FINEST!

The army has put together a task force to ambush Magneto, but to their dismay, the entire group they located happens to only be Multiple Man. I can't believe the movie actually found a purpose for him...I guess this will be the last we see of him. Hold the phone, though, where's Magneto really at? I'll tell you after the X-men suit up and have poorly written inspirational dialogue. Gotta love that the best force they can put together is Wolverine, Storm, Beast, Iceman, Colossus, and..ugh...Kitty. Truly these are the greatest heroes available! Right, Magneto's location...he's on the Golden Gate Bridge. What's he doing? Oh...just levitating it over to Alcatraz Island...that's all. Yeah, actually it is a really cool effect. Funny that Phoenix didn't just levitate them all over to the island...but that's not my beef with this scene. My problem is the fact that it commits what, might be, one of the worst oversights ever. Notice how when Magneto first lifts the bridge it's clearly daylight, and when he travels the short few thousand feet to the island, it's completely dark. Did anybody pay attention to this movie when it was being edited? THINK!

More lack of thinking sure to come with the climatic battle underway, I bet. Magneto sends his worthless associates first, which is smart, especially since he finds out the hard way that the humans switched to plastic guns. You know, there is a reason that guns are metal; a plastic gun wouldn't be able to fire that many times, or at a high velocity, because it would fracture due to the stress created from the combustion's pressure or the thermal reaction. Besides, Magneto's power is quite...well...powerful. The army is shooting out syringes containing the cure. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't the syringes being used have to have metal tips? Yeah...so why can't he control the direction of the needles? No...the movie would rather have Arclight (A transvestite mutant) target the weapons with her/his shock wave. Right...the random blast of distorted air should be accurate. By the power of plot convenience, it works.

In case you're wondering, yes, the Phoenix is STILL just standing there.

The X-men finally land and begin fighting off the seemingly endless horde of mutants. Ugh...even the action sequences in this flick blow. I couldn't be more disinterested...and where did the army go? Did they only bring one set of weapons, and are now rendered worthless? Maybe mutants should just take over. While the battle brews, Juggernaut is sent to capture Leech, and kill the boy. But not if Kitty has a say in it! Yeah...Kitty vs. Juggernaut, who ya got? Doesn't Kitty know who he is...?



Yeah...he does use that line which, admiringly, is pretty funny. After chasing Kitty through the building, they finally reach Leech. How does Kitty defeat the almighty Juggernaut? By making him run at them, then moving out of the way, but still being close enough for Leech to suck his powers, making Juggernaut headbutt the wall and knock himself out. Lame. That's ok, though, because Magneto is busy tossing cars at the army. I don't know, I guess this is the final phase of the plan. What isn't part of his plan, probably, is his best fighting mutants getting easily disposed of, then him getting tricked by Wolverine and Beast. After a diversion created by Logan, Beast stabs Magneto with syringes containing the cure...turning him human. Oh the irony. He plays more mind games with Phoenix, however, tricking her into attacking the entire island. Is she the most naive person ever? For being the closest thing to God on Earth...she ain't not dat bright. Ya heard?

The directors haven't actually included Phoenix in the movie for awhile, so they decided to put her into the most over the top, uncessary, albeit cool, special effects display ever. Phoenix begins to completely destroy the island and all the people in it. While most evacuate in time, Wolverine stays because he is the only one who can stop her. How is that? Well...because the way she kills people is by ripping them into dust, he can heal before that happens, which he does. After having an emotional scene...he puts some anamantium in her chest via his claws. Sweet...the world is safe for democracy. One complaint, though: Why didn't Wolverine just inject her with the cure? Hello...McFly! Anybody home? Being a human is better than being dead! Movie...for the love of filmaking...THINK!


I know the feeling, buddy.

The final act closes with what the movie thinks is resolution, but it isn't. In fact, we have resolved nothing. I'm dead fucking serious, the biggest plot hole OF ALL TIME happens at the end. Remember how the entire movie, Magneto is a wanted terrorist? Yeah, well the final scene consists of him playing chess, by himself, in the park and somehow making one of the pieces move slightly. Again, movie, THINK! He should be, you know, in fucking jail! How did anyone over look this? This is not only an awful way to hint to a sequal, but one of the worst continuity errors I've ever seen. I'm sorry...this just begs me to do it...


This movie is teh pain!

X3 is an awful, poorly scripted, awfuly written, shitties pieces of movies I've ever had the displeasure of paying to see. This damn movie can't even get it's plot straight, because it tries to create far too many plot lines. It's unbelieveable how bad this movie was directed; it reminds me of Resident Evil 3 the way that it jumps back and forth with it's plot lines. Not to mention the writing...oh the writing. The dialogue actually isn't talking, it's more like a string of cliche lines just put together. It's really just brain numbing to even listen to. The acting isn't any better, but the actors aren't that bad; I blame the stupid script and base directing. It kills off major characters, only to lead to NOTHING - no character evolutions, no important devleopments, NOTHING. I've seen cop buddy movies with better character development than this movie. Fuck me this is bad...and you know what? It's finally over...if, in fact, they make more of these X-men movies, I'll be there. I'll be waiting to destroy your flick. You will stand no chance. May God have mercy on you, your cast, your plot, your script, and your soul...because I'm coming for you. For now, roll the credits...

Old Time Movie Rants 5: Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000

I feel dirty. Not the "Just played a game of football" dirty...the "I can't believe I just had sex with THAT" dirty. When I think of movies to destroy, I try to think of those that are bad, but have redeeming qualities. Battlefield Earth has none. Sci-Fi movies usually call for a suspension of belief; meaning that you have to just accept what the movie is telling you because it's supposed to be outlandish. In this case, there is no exception for the amount of mind-boggling scenarios. Put on your Scientology hats...let's get crazy, let's get nuts!


The movie starts off with 3 paragraphs of green computer text telling us that aliens from the planet Psychlo have enslaved humanity and have ruled the Earth for 1000 years. To bring home that point, we then meet a tribe of people who have hunkered themselves on the side of a mountain. This is where we meet Chrissy and begin the first storyline of the movie: A love interest. Ugh...so Chrissy is worried that her lover will not return by dusk and get captured by the demons that roam the land. Don't worry, though, the young intrepid returns on his white stallion. I guess he just rode from the mountain side, because he doesn't travel through the front gate. Nice blockade this village has, here. This hippie's name is Jonnie, and he does not quite believe in these demons. I guess the desolate environment, seclusion, and complete lack of any other group of people wasn't a big enough tip off for this guy; at least the movie picked a competent hero. Regardless, he goes out in search for...subject not given, and finds 2 other fearless humans. They all find themselves in a mall and feast upon some jerky, or something, and all is well. Until, uh oh...a demon has come from no where and begins stalking them. At the speed of a fucking slug, he manages to still capture them and they all are sent to a concentration camp.

Here, we get our first look at the Pschlos and...oh my God. I think the producers made sure they would make them look as ridiculous as possible. They look like Klingons that just strapped on more gear until it's unbearably bulky. Here, take a look for yourself:



How do you say, "Stupid fucking costumes" in Klingon?

Ok, so those are our antagonist, ladies and gents. Anyway, Lil' Jonnie makes a break for it and escapes his cage, grabs a gun, and pops a cap in a Psychlo with his own weapon. You'd think this would get the attention of someone...but he continues to run right past countless aliens. That is, until he runs in the Pyschol-John Travolta! So after all that running, Jonnie, you're still headin' to the slave line, pal.

After a scene of oppression, a Psychlo of importance, who's name is not given, comes to presumably give Travolta, or Terl, his transfer off of Earth. Please give it to him...make this movie end quicker. They have pointless dialogue about what a dog is and why it is superior to the human race, but is curiously unable to work like the "Man-Animals." These idiots are the ones that take over the Earth? Christ they're stupid. Anyway, Terl is denied his request for leaving Earth because, well, Psychols are real dick heads to each other. Our antagonist just got antagonized.

We now get a shot at Planet Psychlo...and they call our planet a dump. Anyway, Terl can't take denial well, so he decides to hit the booz (read: Mountain Dew in a fancy cup) and bitch about how good he is, and how much his associate, Ker, sucks. These are really some of the dumbest fucking names...EVER. And then...oh...I guess this scene is over.

Back at the Slave's Inn, Jonnie and some other shmuck get into a fight over who gets to eat the green, moldy, jello first. This is some riveting stuff, guys...I'm on the edge of my seat. What purpose does this scene have? None, of course...that's why we get a cut to see Terl and Ker argue over a location of gold that Ker tried to hide from Terl. Oh...I forgot to mention, the Psychlos' entire purpose for being on Earth is to mine for gold, because apparently, Psychlos love goooooollld. The look of it, the taste of it, the texture of it. They love it so much they would even smelt their dreadlocks in gold. Why gold? Why are you even asking...? Anyway, the large gold mine cannot be reached because there are large amounts of uranium in the location, and Psychlos cannot go anywhere near radiation. Oh my God...the acting is so bad it's just starting to get surreal. I guess Ker was going to betray Terl and claim all the gold for himself...I don't know...this entire scene, it feels like Travolta and Forest Whitaker (Ker) are reading their lines off of prompters just off screen. It hurts...SO BAD.



"I am vrom Psychlo, isn't dat veird?!"



So the scene ends and transitions, and like every other transition in this Hell Spawn movie, is the two vertical lines that sweep out and dissolve the screen. I feel like I'm watching a power point. What the fuck did they use to edit this? Windows Movie Maker? They must have blown the budget on props and costumes and didn't have enough for quality editors.



FX Editors of Battlefield Earth would like to extend their thanks to DeVry for such great training!

Anyway, Terl has devised a plan to the High-Poomba of the business to allow man-animals (that still sounds so damn stupid) to mine for golllddddd by warning this guy of an imminent uprising amongst the Psychlo workers. Terl warns that if the workers don't get paid, they will no longer work. Of course, the High-Poomba (I guess his name is "The Planetship") thinks that employeeing NEW workers, and paying them less, will be a better idea. Ker, wisely, corrects him by mentioning that it would still cost more money to do that. He is insulted with, "Did you not attend economics at The Academy?" Well, I did dumb shit...and if you can pay your workers less, do it! How would bringing in new workers be better? Let the humans do you work! Of coure, the Psychlos can't comprehend this, even though their entire culture is built on making money, and the Planetship denies Terl's option. If the acting and character design wasn't bad enough, these supposed galactic rulers can't even grip basic Macroeconomic fundamentals. Anger...rising...

Before we move on, I have to note this: the reason the Psychlos don't use the humans in anything but basic labor is because the human race is now dwindled down to cavemen like stupidity (which, I guess isn't that much different than now) and can't speak Psychlo. The Psychlos believe the humans are untrainable, unsophisticated, creatures that cannot handle machinery. A flaw from the producers: Humans can be seen operating machinery throughout the shots. Did they even try? Back to the rant...

*Corny Power Point Tranisition*

I guess the directors, so indulged in this invigorating plot, forgot that there was a human element to this story, and we need Jonnie to escape. The following is more evidence that the Psychols are complete idiots: a low flying ship hits a random tower and a piece falls over on a crowd of slaves. Luckily for us, Jonnie's ankle chain is broken and he takes off. Before he can make it too far, however, he gets shot and stunned. The guards wisely deduce that he is untrainable, and should be terminated. Like most villains, they have to be overly complicated about it...so let me explain another thing in this movie: every character in the movie has breathing apparatus on Earth. Why? I DON'T KNOW! It's never explained, it's just a given that they need these things to breath...and that's it. I don't know what's in the atmosphere, or if there is an atmosphere, but they can't breathe without it. Continuity out the shitter, here, folks. Anyway, the guards take Jonnie somewhere else and take off his masks, then proclaim, "He won't survive more than 4 minutes." Keep that in mind. Jonnie runs, gasping for air, trying to get some air from another human. The guards catch up with him, so Jonnie takes off again. And what does the movie do? Breaks the action sequence to give us more awful dialogue from Terl and Ker. Fucking stupid.

Sticking with what's on the screen, I guess...Terl records Ker explaining this brilliant plan. So now Terl has a fall guy and "Levage" over Ker. Leverage...ugh...he says that word a lot. I wonder how much leverage I could get if I take a Ryan Howard swing at Terl's head with a bat? Ker is a fucking idiot...and that's saying something when comparing him to the rest of the species.

Not to jar the audience, or anything, but now we're back running with Jonnie. Hey...aren't those 4 minutes up, yet? Regardless, he ducks through sewers, evading the stupidly slow Psychlo guards, but ends up at a dead end. When the two guards, somehow, corner him it looks like we get to go home early. See, guys? No need to go James Bond when killing a character....just shoot him! But, being a dumb movie, Jonnie is able to bounce their shots back at them and kill them....with a shard of glass. He wielded the thing like it's a fucking light sabre...actually, this is a scene so base that I think George Lucas would admire it.


"Fuck off, movie should. Mmm...asinine it is."


Terl and Ker were, apparently, taking a stroll through the sewers and liked the resourcefulness of Jonnie. Terl decides this could be a human to use for golllldddd drilling, but he needs "leverage" over it. You need leverage over the slave? Ugh...well, how does he plan to get leverage? By letting Jonnie, and a select few other humans, think they escape and then watching what the EAT. Once he knows what they like to eat, he will offer it to them and gain leverage on them. Anger...still...rising. Terl, clearly the human race is an evolved species. They communicate, they learn, we have thumbs! Do you realize how stupid your plan is? Fuck me this is AWFUL.

After 3 days of running, the 3 humans (Jonnie, and 2 other nameless bums) think they have gotten far and decide to eat. In a run down building, Jonnie captures a rat and eats it...raw. Jonnie, eating a disease infested rat would kill you unless you cooked it. Fuck-tard. Terl and Ker, watching the humans in secret, deduce that humans enjoy eating raw rat. Why? Because, "Clearly they could have gotten anything they wanted, and they chose rat." I'm calling shenanigans, movie, no way there is any sustainable food around in a building, that has been desolate for 1000 years, that the humans can eat. But raw rat? C'mon...

So the humans are re-captured, and Jonnie is taken to a machine that will send knowledge of the universe into his head. Maybe Terl should put his own head in that machine. So this is his big plan? Educate the slave? I'm sure nothing wrong will go with this, buddy...you dope.

Well, with his new found wisdom, Jonnie sits with his fellow slaves and explains to them mathematics. The group looks on like a classroom full of Elkton High Students, gazing mindlessly at the symbols drawn on the floor. Humans don't even know what a fucking triangle is...I'm going to remember that, I bet this movie will open up a segment for me to make a joke out of that. Anyway, Terl gets the Dumbass of the Year award for giving an imbecile the knowledge to upend the Psychlo rule. Moron.

With his new ability to understand Klingon..I mean...Psychlo, Jonnie locates the armory and the group of humans acquire some weapons and plan for a surprise attack. Of course, the movie doesn't like a flowing story line, so...

*Movie decides to stray away from main story line because it's time to re-inject the love story. And then for no reason, ends the scene...*

Back at the Love Shack, Terl believes that his plan is complete fail, so he is ready to kill Jonnie. But wait, Jonnie CAN speak Klingo and gets the jump on Terl and Ker. Unfortunately, the weapons are not loaded and the human's plan has, also, fallen flat on its face. Is everyone a moron in this movie? CHECK THE GUN...for Christ's sake. Angry that Jonnie tried to get...leverage...against him, Terl chokeslams Jonnie to the ground. God, he does this constantly through the movie. If he was a wrestler in the WWF, his finishing move would be the "Travolta Chokeslam."


Dramatization:
-"Christianity is the only way to save your soul!"
-"NO! Scientology is superior *Travolta Chokeslam*"


Terl takes Jonnie to the Denver Library to explain when the Psychlos attacked Earth, the humans could only fight them off for 9 minutes. There's so much wrong with that statement...it's pathetic - 20 bucks says that statement comes back to hurt this movies continuity. Jonnie looks through a book that says, "The Declaration of Independence" while this uprising orchestra play. He reads a book, and then Terl slams it shut. I don't understand this sequence...thank God it's over just as quickly as it started. I guess to further the suffocating of the human uprising, Terl takes the humans to an open field and shows off his marksmanship by shooting cows. Ok...then some natives come and have Terl at gun point, but doesn't shoot him because he has some awful plan worked out, Terl has captured Chrissy (Jonnie's bitch), but blows up some other poor sap's head instead. It's such a boring sequence that just could have been summed up with much better screen play. The producers must have been too busy jerking off...this is just getting painful. Well...more painful.

Jonnie is down because his buddy lost his head *rim shot*. But the entire room of slaves cheers him up because he will help the humans rise up and re-take what is theirs! Follow him, humanity, follow him to freedom! Yeah...you guessed it, another worthless scene.

The movie re-joins our favorite alien, Terl and Ker, after developing a new plan. After discovering that the Planetship has been keeping money from the workers, Terl has threatened to take protocol and kill him. Oh...but an offer he cannot refuse is made: Give the authority of Planetship to Terl. And of course any sap could figure this out because they have a fucking detailed discussion about it. Really, movie, you can actually tell aspects of a story without awful dialogue. The Planetship actually says, "These tenders are all blank and dated. You could put anything you wanted on them. You could run the entire planet. I would be nothing more then a pupet." Who the hell wrote this? Keep up, folks...Terl = Planetship.

With his new authority, he first prepares an order for mining equipment and the gathering of man-animals to work. Oh...how delightfully absurd. He also trains Jonnie how to fly one of their Chrystler space ship 300C model. And the scene is awful. Jonnie looks like me playing Mario Kart Wii...jerking the wheel around as if driving this lemon is the most challenging thing ever. If anything is that hard to drive, why would you make it like that? Psychlo engineers blow. After crashing once, and being threatened not to fail again, Jonnie passes the driving test. Terl follows up with, "It's amazing what a little leverage can do..." Stop saying "Leverage!" These writers should die a slow and painful death for the painful dialogue they have put me through!



A perfect analogy for the dialogue in Battlefield Earth. This movie is teh pain!


Terl drops off Jonnie at the mining site and orders him that the ship had better be half filled with golllllddd in 14 days 'else he will bring the death upon him. Why can't Terl stay, you ask? Well, because humans are resistent to radiation, while Psychlos are not. Oh wait...humans aren't resistent to radiation? Huh...


A picture = 1000 years worth of words.


They have devised a plan that has one half of the humans pretending to mine for golllldddd (so Terl will be fooled because he is watching them via camera), while the other half go to Fort Knox and steal the gold there. Actually....that isn't a bad plan. The first one so far in this movie and we're only 80 minutes in! However, the movie decides to fuck with your common sense and comes up with the worst...I mean the most illogical, irrational, over-the-top, plan EVER. Fuck every sci-fi movie's plan before this. Battlefield Earth takes the cake:

The humans will blow up the Dome (where the main city is...another thing the movie has not made clear up until this point). Problem is, once the Dome is blown up, thousands more Psychlos will beam down from their planet and destroy the uprising. How do they prevent that? I hope you're sitting down...by acquiring and re-wiring a nuclear weapon, then beaming it up to Psychlo where the radiation exposure will wipe out the entire race.

Wait...I'm not done. Not only will they be able to actually know how to work a nuclear bomb, but does the movie realize that a nuclear weapon's element's carbon life cycle will not last 1000 years? Oh...but there's more, they have located a storage bunker with perfectly good fighter jets AND a training program. Since they have the training program, I'm sure the idiots who didn't even know what a fucking triangle was a few days ago will have no problem using them. Movie, you've already established this is 1000 years in the future...NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE! They were basically cavemen a week ago, now they're military experts? No amount of crazy pills can supress my disbelief. Excuse me...I'm going to go blow up the Earth.




So while the humans get their plan together, we are treated to the continuation of the citcom known as "Terl and Ker." This time Ker has acquired footage of Terl making the illegal demands for man-animals to work and has pushed for getting 80% of the gold income. But Terl is having none of that, and shoots off Ker's hand. *Laugh track*. I think this movie is making a record for pointless scenes. Movie, if you aren't going to further devleop a character, or the plot, there is no point. Ugh...we got it, Terl is superior to Ker. Enough.

Back to the main story line, we see Jonnie is putting his plan into action. How? By opening fire on the first few Psychlo guards he sees. He's going with the element of surprise, I see. Even one of his fellow humans warns him that his, "Shooting has alerted the guards." Jonnie-boy, u-r stoopid. Needing to escape, Jonnie triggers slo-mo bullet evasion power and scrambles past the flying fire. You know, everytime a shot misses, the debris looks like fiberglass exploding. Psychlo structures blow. Carlo, a human who's name we finally know, has set up the explosives on top of the dome and alerts Jonnie that he is ready. As Carlo is cornered by the Psychlo's flight attack, the rest of the humans show up in the fighter jets. They fly like fucking professionals. How the hell can these cavemen do this? Ain't this a load of bullshit? Yeah...but let's get on with it, we're almost through.

Jonnie prepares the warp for some other nameless bum to transport the nuke to Psychlo. Gotta love how he handles this extremeley dangerous weapon like it's a toy. Dolt. Carlo is ordered to detonate the bombs, but just before the teleportation sequence can be completed...TRAVOLTA CHOKESLAM! It's canceled, but the explosives still go off. However, by the miracle of God know's what, none of the glass shatters leaving the dome in tact. Carlo, being a brave sucker, crashes his air craft (I don't know where he got it, just roll with the punches) into the top of the dome and them blows himself up. The hundreds of pounds of explosives didn't do it, but the little bit in the back of the craft were enough. Stupid. The glass shatters, and the entire structure comes down. Ugh...these Psychlo engineers are goddamned idiots. Not to mention how laughable the scene is with all the falling debris.

With the dome collapsed, Terl calls to the home planet in order to get reinforcements. Before he does that, though, Jonnie is able to reactivate the telporting countdown. Cue the final fight music...Jonnie vs. Terl. Man vs. Psychlo. A few weak punches and Travolta Chokeslams later, Jonnie straps the bomb that was attatched to Chrissy's neck (More Psychlo geinus: a bomb that doesn't explode when de-tatched) and secretely straps it onto Terl's arm. Tricked into detonating the bomb, Terl blows off his own arm. THESE creatures took over our planet? Not to mention the fact that earlier on Terl clearly stated it only took them 9 minutes to wipe out our best defenses. This fight has been going on for well over 20 minutes. I'm calling shenanigans on account of the Psychlo's power being greatly exaggerated.

So the nuke is sent to Psychlo, and being the strongest weapon ever built by incompotent humans, it blows up the whole planet. Whatever...continuity has left, anyway. Humans win...humanity is free! Let's end this shit-cicle.

Terl is captured and, I guess, is the only other Psychlo left. Instead of being killed, he is kept hostage in case other Psychlo colonies try to take over Earth, Jonnie will use the footage of Terl's betrayal to do something that will make them not want to take over Earth. I don't know...his logic is convoluted, as usual. Kill 'em. Anyway, I guess they have extra insurance because Ker has been named "Head Psychlo." Wow...head Psychlo on Planet Earth. Hey, Ker...piss off. So this is how the movie ends? Figures...only a movie this bad could end like this. The ending to Super Mairo was more satisfying. There is no resolution...only some omnipresent feeling that there could be another invasion, and with that a...*GASP*...sequal! Fuck that...


Sonic is doing a dramatization of this movie's flow. The ground is representing the ground, stopping the movie dead.



I remember this movie when it came out, but I don't remember it being this bad. I mean, sure, I'm much more cynical of a bastard now then I was in 2000...but God damn this is garbage. There isn't one redeeming quality with this movie. The acting, especially from the Academy Award winning actor John Travolta, is by far some of the worst. Dialogue is usually pointless and just hurts to listen to. I feel like the writers were hired right out of high school because of their Myspace blog entries, and the director (Roger Christian) IMDb listing shows that he has done a few good independant films, but everything is typical trash. The special effects aren't even that good, especially for a movie that had a 100 million dollar budget.

All of this, and none if it is even to mention the fact that this movie is revered by Scientologists because, get this, this is what they believe in. The basis of this movie are the fundementals of Scientology. John Travolta, a devout Scientologist, believes this trife? Fuck you. This movie needs to get an E.T. for the Atari 2600 treatment, and burry this in the damn desert. The credits are done...and I'm free. 'Till the next time...

Old Time Movie Rants 2: Resident Evil: Extinction

Could someone name me a good video game movie? Why does such a seemingly simple concept constantly fall flat on its ass? I mean...Hollywood can't be really that inept, can they? When they write up the board for the movie and watch the drafts, don't they see how much it sucks? Will I ever stop asking the reader questions? Not until I get...*removes sunglasses* some answers.

Have you thought of a good VG movie, yet? Tomb Raider? No. Silent Hill? It wasn't too bad, but I don't consider it good. Super Mario Brothers? Fuck you. Hollywood can't get it right...that is, until Resident Evil was released. The first one, loosely based off of...uh...none of the video games, in my opinion, was a solid zombie flick. Think about it, it had a good cast-Mila Jovovich starred as Alice, and she had her crew of uninteresting, however quite effective, co-actors. The plot was nothing new; evil corporation makes a virus (titled: T-Virus...yes, from the game) that will enhance how humans live. Token douche bag thinks he can get rich from it, but he ends up getting fucked in the end. That's really it...throw in some scares, slick action sequences, and you have a zombie film George A. Romero would be proud of. Hell...even Resident Evil: Apocalypse was a decent movie; albeit, moved away from a survival horror, to an action movie. I'd still watch and enjoy it.

Of course, no trilogy is complete without a 3rd installment, so out came Resident Evil: Extinction. The first two proved good, and did well in box offices...this was naturally going to happen. And you know what, I was sucked in...I honestly thought that this would be a good movie. I'm an idiot...





I smell a rant coming. This movie is about to be...dead meat. YEAHHHHHHH!

The movie starts us off with a picture of a naked Alice...way to pull in the male demographic, movie. She wakes up and wonders around, until she realizes she's in the mansion from the first movie. Still aimlessly wondering, she scurries into the infamous laser room, avoids becoming bite sized, and jumps into a vent and out into a hospital. This architect blows...a mansion in a hospital? Talk about high healthcare costs. She narrowly avoids getting guillotined, but does not avoid stepping on an Indiana Jones trap, steps on the trap, and promptly gets shot. But, oh lucky us....she's just a clone Alice, and Dr. Isaacs is just doing test to find a cure for the T-Virus. Although, it's never explained why he is sending the Clone-Alices through a prototype Double Dare obstacle course.

The movie zooms out and shows us the desolate desert, then it's title sequence. We are then treated to a narration by Alice that tells us the T-Virus not only spread around the world and devastated the human race, but dried up oceans and destroyed plant life. How, you ask? Logical explanation how a virus that effects animals can cross over to plant life? I think you're asking too much from this movie...

We now zoom to the real Alice who receives a distress call from her radio that pleads for help. She finds her way to a run down shack, where a guy...oh sorry, that's just an ugly woman...is holding her baby, crying. Alice takes the baby...but, oh noes! It's a doll. It's a doll? A group of hillbillies pull guns on her and push her against a table, mocking her. The creepy Johnny Knoxville clone is horny, and wants to show Alice his trouser zombie. He promptly gets kicked in the chin, apparently so hard, that he is dead. The Eagles are in need of a kicker...can she play? The rednecks knock her out and dump her in their basement/room below. They gather around a hole in the ceiling, like a bunch of redneck Ceasers, as Alice struggles to break her binds...some zombie dogs are ready to attack. Wait...you're telling me these hillbillies managed to capture AND cage these rabid, zombie, hell hounds? What...did they trick them using a radio gag, too? Alice, being the token bad ass...kills the first 2 faster than, I think, even the producer wanted. So the hillbillies let all of them through and we have a good chase around the basement to some Benny Hill music. Actually...there was no Benny Hill music, but it might have made it more interesting if there was. Alice kills the dogs, and manages to cave in the ceiling...making the Hick Family dog lunch. This scene makes no sense...why would anyone do this, after the end of the world? Ugh...and what significance does this scene have? None...you idiot.

Searching for plot...error: no purpose for movie. abort...retry...fail

Now we have a cut scene to a convoy running down the road, and over the living dead. How can we possibly get scared in a wide open desert? Oh right...we can't. While the convoy douches have their discussion about "Does anyone have a smoke?" Let's quickly run down the roster of hopeful zombie food: Carlos (Alice's love interest...also plays the courageous character), Claire (Pessimistic bitch), Betty (Played by FUCKING Ashanti!), Mikey (Horror movie necessary "Nice guy"), Chase (the Cowboy), and L.J. (Token black guy). Will the non-horror, horror movie still kill off the black guy first? Let's watch...

Oh...sorry...the movie does a random cut shot back into the Umbrella facility. The holograms of the Umbrella complexes across the world have a weekly business meeting. They talk about Project: Alice and other things we don't care about. How is this a survival horror movie? Oh...I have to try and survive this horrid mess of bad acting and a boring script. Got it...

Cut shot again? Christ...we go to Alice who stops at a local Quick-e-Mart. She puts an arrow through a zombie's forehead (zombie kill 1....for those keeping count). Alice then checks the 7-11 only to find a closet that contains...a person who hung themselves. Ugh...this is scary...she has some nasty, decomposing feet. Alice braves the flies and grabs a journal laying on the ground that depicts Alaska as being "safe." Alaska is too far away from Nevada...please don't make me watch them travel there, movie. FORESHADOWING...a bird is eating the killed zombies face.

Cut shot...AGAIN! Back to the boring convoy, where El Carlos and Token Black Guy enter a hotel-notell, why? Naturally, they stealth around making awful jokes looking for zombies. Movie...why are they in the motel? Carlos and LJ separate to look for...uhh....MOVIE! Why the fuck are they in the motel? LJ finds an unlocked room, so he goes to check it...but gets attacked by a zombie. And the zombie...looks like Duke Nukem. Yeah...LJ gets attacked by Zombie Duke Nukem. Thankfully, he fights him off and kills the zombie (zombie kill 2). LJ, a guy who never watched a horror film, sits on the bed relaxed until he notices a zombie rising from the floor. He shoots but...he hits a mirror? How do you not know what a mirror looks like? It's not a fun house, idiot. The zombie bites him on his chest, but Carlos kills it before it can go for the kill. Typically for a zombie flick, no body notices the huge gash on LJ's chest. This, certainly won't come back to haunt them. Hey, by the way...why were they in the motel?


Nobody takes our brains...and lives.

Cut shot..go figure. We're back at Umbrella LLC, where Dr. Isaacs and his 2 interns tied up a zombie and begin comprehension skills on the zombie. The dead guy actually begins to complete some of the give tasks (Day of the Dead, anyone?) and Dr. Isaacs is given the new title of, "Super Genius." That title is shortly retracted when the zombie gets frustrated and breaks out of his restraints, only to brutally kill the other 2 doctors. What did we learn from this scene...? Nothing, of course.

Surprise...cut scene back to the convoy, where Mikey is handing out cans of food to the entire group. He's correctly guessing what's in each can, how cute. I hope he dies. The convoy is getting down in the dumps because Chase keeps being a douche...oh, and they are running low on gas and daylight. Luckily for them, they have found military grade equipment to create a perimeter around the convoy in order to protect themselves from any wondering zombie. Uh huh...

Cut shot to Alice...ugh...I'm getting dizzy from switching between all these locations. She reads the exposition journal, which tells the audience where this movie is headed: Alaska!


RUN! Zombie Sarah Palin is coming for your brains because she clearly doesn't have any!

Cut shot...already? Back to Umbrella where they run another worthless Alice test that tells them nothing of importance. Clone Alice gets killed by a super-zombie....next scene, fuckers.

Cut shot...Alice. She falls asleep, haves some nightmares and levitates her motorcycle. Then wakes up and it crashes to the ground. Why couldn't we have just been shown this before the cut to Dr. Isaa...fuck it, I don't care. Bottom line: Dr. Isaacs now knows Alice is around.

Cut shot...convoy. The group is sleeping, quite peacefully in fact, until some crows being congregating around them. Eerilie they stare at the vehicles, waiting for the notion to go attack. Everyone tries to be still, but a soda can drops and all the birds swarm. This inspires what might be the most expensive, stupidest, looking death scenes ever. Really...I can't explain it at all. Just watch...notice how dumb they look as they shake their heads when birds peck at their faces. This is just getting painful to watch...I don't know how much more I can take. After some stupid sequences, including the bus carrying the most people crashes, the convoy tries to evacuate. Chase mans the flamethrower on top of the oil tanker, but is attacked by some crows and points the flamethrower at Carlos, who's busy helping an extra. OH NO...NOT CARLOS! Don't worry...Alice is here to save the day. She uses her MIND BULLETS to re-direct the fire upwards, burning all the crows.


Alice can hit a yak from 200 yards away...WITH MIND BULLETS! That's telekinesis, Kyle.


Alice wakes up shortly after using her mind powers to a teenage girl named K-Mart. K-Mart averaged 20 points and 10 rebounds a game for the Nuggets this season...oh...not the NBA K-Mart? Good...Mark Cuban thinks him and his mom are thugs. Claire greets Alice, and like the cunt she is, acts like a cunt. I hope she dies. So because the movie can't have Claire on screen for more than a minute, Carlos and Alice take a little stroll down exposition lane. Then Alice's watch tells her that the satellite tracking her has, in fact, tracked her. Run! Hey...you know what's missing? Zombies. Isn't this supposed to be a movie about zombies? Forget it...

Dr. Isaacs has gotten a hard on to the fact that he has a 67% positive ID on Alice being alive. He goes to hologram boss-man to give him the good news and ask for a task force to pursuit Alice. Apparently, Boss-Man has a lot to do in the post-apocalyptic world, because 67% isn't enough for him. Right...the lone hope for restoring the world to some level of normality and he shrugs it off. Ass....

Cut shot back to the convoy, Alice has shown them her journal that she found at the 7-11. Naturally, she proposes going to Alaska. The group figures it's better to take the chance traveling to Alaska, then wonder around, getting eaten in motel rooms. HOORAY! So the Detroit Lions...I mean, convoy...is heading to Alaska. But they need some supplies. So after some careful deliberation, they decided to head to Viva Las Vegas, baby! WOOOO! I'm hittin the poker table!

Cut fucking shot back to Dr. Isaacs who isn't taking rejection well. He creates a synthesised version of the Boss-Man's voice to create a fake order to send a task force to capture Alice. End.

Cut back to the convoy driving to Vegas. I can't wait to see the city of Las Veg...ass. The city is completely covered in sand. 5 years after the civilization left, and sand drifts covered the ENTIRE city of Vegas? Fuck you...I'm not environmental engineer, but there's no way it happens that quickly. This is just lazy on the filmmakers part. In the middle of the road is a giant metal crate. The crew is ready to move it because apparently they don't know how to drive around objects, but Alice stops them. Her Spidey senses must be tingling. Alice approaches the crate and puts her ear to it, and hears...the sound of this crap plot!

NO! It's actually a horde of super-zombies that attack them all. Remember how you had to shoot a zombie in the head to kill it? Remember that rule put in place by zombie movies of past? Yeah...Resident Evil shits all over that. Oh well...they've already shit all over me, remember? I thought this was going to be good. Alice and company fight off the horde for awhile. It's the best action sequence in the movie, but that isn't saying much. Mid-brawl, Dr. Isaac and the Isaac-netts take control of Alice and shut her down. She's robo-Alice, I guess. But, to no avail. Alice fights the condition and comes for them! Conveniently enough, they are perched on top of a nearby building. Alice slaughters them all, except Isaacs...who escapes, but not before a zombie takes a chomp out of him, infecting him in the process. As the helicopter flies away, Alice hesitates shooting at it. "Why?" K-Mart asks. "Because we're not driving to Alaska...we're flying." Oh good...movie, who here has flight experience? Movie...answer the question.

Notable deaths: Chase, Mikey, LJ turned into a zombie (at a completely random fucking time) and bites Carlos. I wish I cared...but I'm kind of envying them, right now. I guess we'll have to count this as zombie kills 3-25. That sounds fair.



Leon, buddy...you don't know how lucky you are.


Back at "base," Dr. Isaacs is in big trouble. But he's too busy trying not to become a living dead. He has begun injecting himself with numerous amounts of anti-virus, but to no avail. Wow...some scientists Umbrella has; their anti-virus is complete fail. Dr. Isaacs has been sentenced to death and is shot on sight. Unfortunately for the dick heads in the base...all the anti-virus has turned Dr. Isaac into the Hulk's and The Thing's illegitimate love child. Nasty...

Back outside, the rest of the survivors (all 7 of them) have developed a plan. The infected Carlos will drive the tanker, loaded with dynamite, through the hordes of zombies which is outside the Umbrella facility. The explosion clears a path for them and they get to da 'Choppa. After everyone loads in, Alice tells them that she isn't going with. Hey, movie, you still haven't answer...who can fly the helicopter? Well...Claire is, so we'll just assume she can. Alice heads down into the facility...cue the epic boss-battle music!


Alice takes on the toughest foe, yet!

After descending into the facility, Alice is greeted by the AI system, represented by a hologram of a creepy little girl. AI Girl informs Alice that Dr. Isaacs has gone completely bat shit insane, and on top of that, her blood is the cure for the T-Virus. So off Alice goes to fight Mutant Dr. Isaacs. This is supposed to be scary, I guess. But it's not...in fact, there isn't one scary moment in the entire part.

After a brief confrontation with the Freak, Alice accidental wakes up one of her clones...who dies. That was quick. So tired of crying over herself...Alice chases after Isaacs and meets up with him in the, you guessed it...Mansion part of the facility. They exchange awful battle dialogue, and mind bullet force pushes. Alice slightly annoys Isaacs with hers, so he flings her through a wall that lands her in the infamous laser room. After some more awful dialogue, including Issacs pronouncing, "I thought you were the future...but I am the future," he gets cut into little cube pieces. But wait...the laser is heading towards Alice! With her, the cure is lost! And she is...saved. Damn it. The clone isn't really dead, and happens to know that the high-tech laser system is hooked up to a nearby lap top. She also knows what do. PLOT HOLE. Why didn't the AI system just shut it off, instead? Wouldn't that have made sense? Fuck it...who cares? Alice holograms herself to the other Umbrella facilities and threatens upon them a great vengeance and furious anger. Credits roll...finally...

This movie is bad because it's just stupid. This is not a scary movie like its earlier films. And why not? It barely counts as a zombie movie. The only real time zombies were killed, was early on in the first act. Yes, in the giant action sequence about 20 were killed...and later on another few hundred blown up. But that doesn't count, because it's not how zombie movies work. Besides, it fails as an action movie because it barely has any relative action. Most of the time the movie is too busy letting us know what each of the 3 main groups of characters are doing via dizzying cut shots. I don't care...show me a zombie movie. I realize the world is ended...so what? This is not even CLOSE to Resident Evil. There is, litterally, one cheap jump scare in the entire movie...and that is because it happened to be Zombie Duke Nukem. This movie sucks...and I can't take it anymore.