Movie Ranting 9: Knowing

Have you ever been bored, broke, and unbelievably delirious at the same time? I have...that's the only rational explanation for me even considering to watch this movie. Let's mark off all the things that will sink this movie faster than a boat hitting an ice cube:
-Nicholas Cage is in the lead roll...ugh...
-Nicholas Cage is in a Sci Fi thriller...
-A National Treasure clone + more at stake x Nicholas Cage = 3 week old garbage

Still, I found myself standing at the Red Box picking this movie because for some diluted and unknown reason to myself, I thought it could be good. I thought that it might just bend the bracket and invent something interesting in the Sci Fi genre I have yet to see. I honestly don't remember the last time I was THIS wrong regarding a movie. And you know what the worst part is? This flick tries to convey a religious theme. So this movie tries to pitch subtle religious anecdotes to the audience? Great. Let's play a game...I'll try to depict these symbols throughout the rant and you try to pick up on it by the end. If you guess right, you'll win one free chest slap...courtesy of yours truly. Knowing what I now know about Knowing, I wish I didn't know a damn thing about Knowing.

The movie begins in the year in the year 1959 with this off beat little girl, who looks like she needs to get some sleep, staring off into space with some eerie whispers in the background. Very creepy. This little girl's name is, Lucinda - a 6 year old basket case. Lucinda's class has a plan to do something for the future, and Lucinda's idea has been selected by the school - keep that in mind. The idea is for all the children to draw a picture of what they believe the future will look like. Most of the children draw beautiful pictures of robots, flying cars, modern advances that would make the Jetsons green with envy. Lucinda, of course, is your basic creepy girl and she fills the entire sheet of paper up with numbers. Silly girl, binary code is just ones and zeroes. Regardless of her teacher's disappointment in Lucinda's choice of pictures, the paper is placed in the time capsule, underneath a 8-point star emblem. I hope you're paying attention to detail...there will be a quiz later.

Although the celebration is a joyous one, Lucinda goes missing, and her teacher realizes it. Naturally, they go a-lookin' for her. Her teacher stumbles upon Lucinda inside a closet, in the school basement, carving out numbers on the inside of a door with her FINGER NAILS. Holy shit...are this little girl's nails made of adamantium? Lucinda is creepy...she shoulda gotten the nod over that Grudge movie little girl, she's much more of a freak...just sayin'.


Yeah...you can suck someone into their own hoodie, but can you carve numbers into a wooden door with your nails? Didn't think so...hack.

The movie transitions to present day by looking down upon the Earth from, what one could assume, is outer space. SYMBOLISM! After a tortuously slow moving introductory credits, we finally meet up with John Koestler (Cage) cooking on the grill and looking through a telescope with his son Caleb (Chandler Canterbury). Let me weave you a depiction of these two on screen: aggravating. John is a pompous astrology professor at MIT and his son is a vexatious little brat. Caleb's character doesn't seem to fit the roll of a 12 year old, but more of a 20 year old; he plans on becoming a vegetarian, is much too logical for a pre-teen, and although I liked his rebellious attitude towards his father, it has become a nuisance. Typical...I bash the two main characters not even 20 minutes into the movie, I'm too cynical.

John goes to his son's bedroom, where Caleb is enjoying the Discovery Channel. John mentioned earlier that "It's just us two out here," insinuating that it's just him and his son searching for other worldly life - it was meant to be dry humor, but I guess Caleb didn't get it because John has to explain his meaning. See? What child thinks like this? We find out that John doesn't not believe in a Heaven, or any other purpose or determination in life. He is, in a sense, a creationist. This will be touched upon later...for now, we get a cutesy little hand gesture and transition to the next morning.

John is lecturing his class and begins to discuss the differences between determinism and creationism. In a nut shell, he describes determinism as the belief that there is a purpose for us being here. That everything has a reason for happening. Creationism, in his words, is simply just a random set of events that have occurred to lead up to an event. There is no purpose, just an arbitrary chain of events. Now, before I continue...the movie is off on both accounts. John, as stated, is a creationist because he does not believe there is a purpose to anything. That's fine, but for an MIT instructor he must think I don't know a thing.

He states that determinism means there is purpose, but this is incorrect because as far as we know only humans can ascribe purpose to things...i.e...the most we can deduce is that dogs do not put a meaning to the water being in their bowl, they just drink from it and want the water. Humans, however, will ascribe a purpose to that cup holding the water; we want the cup to hold the water so it makes the consumption of the water less difficult. Just because there is a causal relationship between one thing and another does not mean that the cause has a purpose. If you trip and fall, sure the thing you tripped on is part of the cause of your fall, but there was no purpose ascribed to what you tripped over. If you were to look at it beforehand, it had no reason for being there. It is in hindsight that we desire to find a reason, and attempt to understand by refer a purpose. The movie assumes an originally ascribed purpose, which is the primary flaw in the entire line of reasoning of the movie, and it is never addressed.

John then states that the alternative to determinism is random chance, and he even mentions "random mutations" as if to put evolution by natural selection as part of the opposing side of his previously declared dichotomy. This is, again, absolutely incorrect because evolution is deterministic, there is a causal relationship between the change in allele frequencies. If you accept determinism, it is absolutely absurd to state that mutations in an organisms are actually random. There is proof to evolution, and that proof certainly does not point to natural selection being a game of chance. To sum it up, the movie's most highlighted inner conflict has been tainted by the fact that it can't even get it's own ideas straight.

Class is dismissed...do your homework, because there is a test on Monday.


Good news everyone! Professor Nintendo Head is finally going to shut the hell up!

Ugh...professor John is a cynical bastard, that's what's wrong with colleges these days. He dismisses class after he has an epiphany that he doesn't realizes he doesn't have any purpose in life...loser. Afterwards, he meets up with his buddy and college, Phil. Phil tries to talk him into coming over to dinner with someone, but John's parenting duties call and he has to rush over to his son's school because today is the 50 year mark since the time capsule has been put in place. The capsule is picked up and all the students are given the pictures drawn 50 years earlier. All the children receive those precious and beautiful pictures of the kids from 5 decades ago, except Caleb, that is. He receives Lucinda's numerical page. That's boring...he should scribble scrabble over it with crayons, don't you think?

Later that evening, John notices that Caleb brought home the paper stating that, "He thinks it might have some sort of secret meaning." What kid knows about numerology at 12?! John gets intrigued by it later on, after a drink no less. Actually, I think John has a bit of a drinking problem. Does he go to class every morning hungover? Maybe that's why he zones out. After spilling a drink on the paper, John notices an odd sequence of numbers, "911012996," or "9/11/01 2996." What significance does that have? The attack on September 9th, 2001 killed 2996 people. Crazy, huh? John, being the rationale guy who doesn't put a purpose on to anything begins to analyze the entire sheet's sequence of numbers and use the Internet to research the dates and events. As expected, the page is filled with dates of tragic events that killed many people - describing the date and amount of casualties. It's a good scene and does a sound job of pulling you into the dramatic discovery made. Of course, Nicholas Cage not having to say a line in this sequence REALLY helps that.


DrunkBum John sez, "I dun wanna hear ur crazy conspiracy theories. I just want anutter beer."

The next day John heads to work and confers with his buddy Phil that he is, in fact, a lunatic. In order to try and suppress that crazy feeling, John heads Miss Taylor (Lucinda's teacher) who is still alive to ask her some questions about the little girl. Ms. Taylor describes that day when Lucinda wrote all those numbers on the paper and that she had to stop, then later she found Lucinda scratching at the door. Fat lot of good that did you, John.

Later that evening, John is still trying to find out some answers, when he notices that Caleb is outside talking to a mysterious man in a car who gave Caleb...*dramatic music*...a black sedimentary rock. Those fiends! Didn't John ever teach his kid not to talk to strangers? Maybe he should stop hitting the bottle and being so cynical so he can parent, once in a while. Alcoholic. But, the family issues have not ceased. No, in fact they are about to get worse and I believe this is where the movie begins to loose sight; right at the start of the second act. John's relative (niece, daughter, sister, cousin? I don't know...the movie isn't clear) Grace arrives and begins to vaguely give us some back story insight on how John does not like his father...who happens to be a pastor. Does he not like him BECAUSE he is a pastor, or just because he's got some daddy issues? Actually, on second thought, I don't care. Why is this scene in the movie? It dilutes it and tampers with the, up to this point, steady flow of the plot. I don't like Grace, anyway. She's an uppity scunt. Screw you, Grace, and your relationship to John.

That evening, or...later that night I guess, John is watching the Depressing-News searching for an event that will take the lives of 81 people, which is pointed out on the sheet of paper. He passes out and does not awake, presumably, until later that afternoon when his son calls and asks for him to pick him up. He's a dead beat dad, an alcoholic, and a sort of a cynical careless bum. Either way, on his way to pick up Caleb he gets stuck in traffic and is presumably ready to make amends with Phil and take him up on an offer to go out Friday night. That is, until he notices an oddity on his GPS, the coordinates read out a sequence of numbers that matches the numbers on the piece of paper. The numbers that he didn't circle before, are the GPS locations of the tragedies. Oh shit, John...the event is going to happen where you're at! As John is talking to a police officer about the accident, a passenger plane comes tearing through the skies and crash lands at the field adjacent to the road. It's quite a gruesome scene, depicting people burning and screaming, what throws me off about it is the reactions from John...they don't seem to match what he should look like. It's hard to explain, really, but it just doesn't seem normal. Still, as guessed, 81 people die in the crash. If there was any doubt, it is gone now: the paper is for real.

John arrives home a complete mental and emotional mess. He ensures Caleb does not find out about the accident because...well...just because, I guess. After ordering Caleb to go to bed, the boy throws some sort of, "I'm not a kid anymore" crap. Is the movie trying to establish something here? If it is...the flick is doing a piss poor job. John has an emotional break down, but that's ok...he's got the boose to help him forget!


Got a lil' sorrow in ya? Just drink those memories away and hide them deep inside your subconscious. You can be: Captain Repressed Memory.


Caleb is sleeping, but then waken by a shadowy figure in his room who points outside. The child looks outside to see that everything has been burnt and is being destroyed, even the wild life trying to flee. NO! NOT THE MOOSE! You bastards...how dare you harm the moooooose!


Those sons of bitches...Bullwinkle will thoroughly PWN their asses for this douche-baggery!

After his son screeches in fear, John runs to his side to reassure him. Reassure ME that the moose is ok, John! But, wait...John notices a shadowy figure in the forest and runs out side to scare him off. It actually looks like a Jason scene, but before you can say "che...che...che...ah...ah...ah" the scene cuts away? That's just stupid editing and lazy writing. Now it's day time, and John and Caleb are in a car out front of Lucinda's daughter's house. Stalkers. I'm not kidding...they track her down, then follow her to a museum, where the mother and daughter are going. This is getting weird, I get the feeling John is going to ask this lady to "Put the lotion in the basket." Aside from John on the verge of pulling a Kobe on this chick, he tries to pry information out of her about her passed mother, the creepy little girl from before, Lucinda. The woman, Diana, like most people does not take kindly to being asked by random strangers if her mother was a certified freak. She ups and leaves, leaving John still at square one: oblivious to what is going on.

I don't blame Diana for ditching John, Nicholas Cage reads his lines like a robot. I guess emotion is for the weak! What bugs me about the scene is that Diana seems to jump off the handle at an odd time in the conversation. Wouldn't natural human curiosity at least guide her to reading the sheet of paper? I mean, how else could this complete stranger know what he knows? Strikes me as odd, is all.

John's smart-pants degree and gig at MIT is leading him to no answers, so he decides to become more involved. He sends Caleb to his annoying niece (daughter? sister? Whatever...) and researches where the next event will take place. It just so happens the event will take place at a crowded and typically busy intersection. Wow...Lucinda really hated New York, this is the second threat to this regional area in this many days! Our hero figures it would be nice to warn someone, so he calls up the FBI from a pay phone and tells them where the attack will take place and that it would be wise to shut down the corner. The following day, John makes his way to the location and finds that not only is it not shut down, but there isn't any kind of federal involvement at all. Yeah fuckin' right...on the news, John heard that there was the threat of an attack on American soil, which obviously means the FBI is on the look out. Then a mysterious stranger, calling from a pay phone, warns them of where the attack will occur and the FBI doesn't take any action? Blow me. This isn't a continuity issue...it's a lack of common sense issue.




After asking a cop why the corner hadn't been shut down, John takes off into the subway in order to avoid getting questioned by some other officers. Hiding amongst the crowd, our hero spots a shady fellow hiding behind one of the columns, and then running away with something in his hand. Clearly this is the would-be attacker! A very boring and choppy chase scene later, we find out that the shady looking fellow is not concealing a bomb, but a few illegally gained DVDs. This is why John is a teacher, and not a CSI; his intuition blows. While they are all getting a ride on the train, a malfunction in the tracks derails the train and slams into another loading area. It's actually a disturbing, and impactful scene...the movie does this very well. Too well, because it is actually difficult for me to watch. John had the right place, but he should now learn that these events are not just human-imposed, but are also by random events. The unpredictability is what makes it scary.

The tragic event leads John to the last place he can turn for any kind of answers, back to Diana? Yeah...after hearing about the event and John being involved, she decides to aid him uncover what the hell is going on. In order to unveil this mystery, John, Diana, and the children head back to Lucinda's house; a small cottage in the middle of the creepy woods. They leave the kids in the car, and fart around the house, rustling through anything that could tip off what was passing through Lucinda's young mind. After a small trip down memory lane with Diana, John stumbles across the "Profit Ezekiel's Vision of Merkaba." This is an illustration of what Ezekiel (a renowned profit) saw, depicting a fiery creature, a floating wheel, and what appears to be Jesus in the heavens. All of which will play a roll later on in the movie.


The image of relevance!

They pocket the picture, and move on to the bedroom. There they find another one of those black rocks...actually, quite a few. That's not the most important revelation, however, as the children in the vehicle are being surrounded by those shadowy figures, whispering inaudible, and characteristically, eerie things. Feeling curious about why the rocks are under the bed, John flips it up to see what is written on the underside of the wodden frame. It turns out that the label "EE" on the paper does not represent one person...as the bed has "Everyone" engraved multiple times on it. The perverbial end of the world. A horn erupting alerts John and Diana, as they dash out to the car to check on their kids. John spots one of the shadow figures, grabs his gun, and chases after him. He finally catches up and demands to know what he wants with his son, the seemingly human only responds by opening his mouth and flashing an illuminous light at John. The fuck? Did he eat a projector? Well...regardless, the paper hasn't been wrong yet, and it predicts the END OF ZE WORLD will happen tomorrow. You guys need to lighten up...here, have some comedy:



With the end of the everything uncertainly approaching, John notices Abby drawing a picture; it's a recreatment of the Ezekiel illustration, but this time with the sun being emphasised around God. John darts over to MIT and reveals that the sun is about to let off a huge burst of solar radiation that will destroy the Earth. It's very ominous and, again, the movie does a good job of delivering a good scene...certainly, my problem with it is not on the basic film making layer.

The demise is approaching, so the crew decides to try and gather supplies to hide in a relatively hidden cave. John calls his father, whom with he hasn't talked to in a while, and warns him to relocate somewhere safe. His father is a devout Christian and decides that if it is his time, he will not "fight the Lord's will." Ok then. Frustrated and ready to go, John calls for everyone to gather their things and leave. Caleb, however, is not responding. He is upstairs writing down more cryptic numbers on a sheet of paper. Weird...but if the world is going to end what's the point? I dunno..whatever. John has an epiphany, though, and instead of heading for the hills, he goes to the elementary school to take the door that Lucinda engraved numbers on. How does he know it's the door, anyway? Hello...I have a feeling this last act is begining to unravel. John uncovers the 50 year old numbers, but is too late to tell Diana and the two kids about it; they have already departed. Hurry, John, you have the location on where to go!

Diana has become an emotional wreck, but that is no excuse for mediocre acting. She stops at a convinience store for some gas. While getting into a go-nowhere argument with John on the phone (Yes, he has the only working cell phone in the world), the car is stolen, along with the chilrdren, by the shadowy people. Diana steals another car...most illogical, and promptly gets t-boned by a truck when trying to run a red light. She gone. This is getting some kinda weird Final Destination vibe. Not really feeling it. Anyway, John has a sentimental moment over Diana's death, and then proceeds to the destination of Lucinda's old house in the creepy woods. That's where all of this is going down.

John locates the epicenter of all this happening, not to mention his son and Abby. So...what is the big revelation? The Shawdowy-Whisper people are, in fact...uhh...aliens? What? It's difficult to explain, but I guess the most simplest explanation is that these figures are, in fact, angels. I guess angels ride in space ships. Apparently, they have been sent to get the two children (Caleb and Abby) to "Start over." Huh...well, way to break the paradime of what we all think angels should be. These guys are douche bags, John is not allowed to follow his son to this new place. Only the "Chosen ones" can go. These "angels" turn into some kind of energy/higher being form and take their kids into the space ship...leaving the other 6 billion residents of earth to die. Thanks.


Dramatization:
-"You see our space ship, that shit is a Dodge."
-"I though we only drove Christ-lers?"
-"That joke is from the devil...let's get off this planet, this place is a dive."

As the world is going to hell in a hand basket, due to the madness of the situation, an odd song that doesn't fit the scene at all plays with John driving to his father's home. The scene is much too sureal for me to even explain...just take my word on it, it's fucking weird. Either way, it has begun, the sun destroys the ozone layer and ignites the ground causing a firey wall of death to engulf everything in its path. It's a good looking scene...but oh...it doesn't make a bit of fucking sense.

TRANSITION! We are now in...uh...unbenounced location, with Caleb, Abby, and the hundreds upon thousands of other chosen kids. They all run gracefully towards a large tree that, obviously, is an allusion to the Tree of Knowledge from the bible. So...does this make this the Garden of Eve, Heaven, what? TELL ME! Ugh...


This movie isn't horrible, per se, but it is far from good. Some people this movie has a strong first two acts, I think those people are out of their mind; this movie blows from start to finish. Am I asking to much to have my movies make sense? Because this one certainly does not. There's some unanswered questions and resolutions that really don't explain a whole helluva lot. What do the black rocks symbolize? Really...they are around whenever someone dies, so is it some kind of marker of death? I don't understand. It seems as if the director rushed the final part of the film, especially, because the story sputters and any kind of clever plot developments kind of sputter off into obscurity.

How do the children carve the numbers, so easily, into tough wooden pallets? It's not a plot hole...it's just something that bothers me.

Oh...and the creationist propaganda, let's not look over that. This movie is all about proping up the fact that they are alluding to Christianity with certain plot points. That's nice, but it leaves a lot to be desired. Mainly, what's the point of destroying the Earth? At least in other movies there is some sort of connection to why us silly humans have to die, take a God awful movie in The Happening; we are harming the Earth with our pollution and the plants have begun to kill us off. Yeah...it's completely idiotic, but at least it's a reason. This movie NEVER gives a reason for the destruction of the planet. Which, correct me if I'm wrong, is the entire point to the film...even the damned movie is telling me it doesn't have to be here. I mean, is it a "Noah's Ark" kinda deal? Our world has been too consumed by evil? But then, why kill us all off? Why not try to show us the err of our ways; not all of us are terrible people, Shadow-Angels. And the angels...ugh. They ride in a space ship and are cold hearted. Didn't God say he wouldn't do this to us again? You make me angry...


You conspire against me? The God of War?!


Just sitting down and watching this movie, it won't make you think...it will make you hurt because, clearly, the director didn't give it enough thought. Cage's acting does not make this thing any better. Avoid it like the plague, and Ben Roethlisberger in a dark alley. The credits have rolled...and I cannot take another second of pain.

By the way, did you play along? Did you get everything that was symbolical? Good...what you found has no purpose, no value, and you will win nothing. To cash in your prize, send 20 dollars to my Paypal account and provide a valid credit card number. Enjoy.

Old Time Movie Rants 5: Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000

I feel dirty. Not the "Just played a game of football" dirty...the "I can't believe I just had sex with THAT" dirty. When I think of movies to destroy, I try to think of those that are bad, but have redeeming qualities. Battlefield Earth has none. Sci-Fi movies usually call for a suspension of belief; meaning that you have to just accept what the movie is telling you because it's supposed to be outlandish. In this case, there is no exception for the amount of mind-boggling scenarios. Put on your Scientology hats...let's get crazy, let's get nuts!


The movie starts off with 3 paragraphs of green computer text telling us that aliens from the planet Psychlo have enslaved humanity and have ruled the Earth for 1000 years. To bring home that point, we then meet a tribe of people who have hunkered themselves on the side of a mountain. This is where we meet Chrissy and begin the first storyline of the movie: A love interest. Ugh...so Chrissy is worried that her lover will not return by dusk and get captured by the demons that roam the land. Don't worry, though, the young intrepid returns on his white stallion. I guess he just rode from the mountain side, because he doesn't travel through the front gate. Nice blockade this village has, here. This hippie's name is Jonnie, and he does not quite believe in these demons. I guess the desolate environment, seclusion, and complete lack of any other group of people wasn't a big enough tip off for this guy; at least the movie picked a competent hero. Regardless, he goes out in search for...subject not given, and finds 2 other fearless humans. They all find themselves in a mall and feast upon some jerky, or something, and all is well. Until, uh oh...a demon has come from no where and begins stalking them. At the speed of a fucking slug, he manages to still capture them and they all are sent to a concentration camp.

Here, we get our first look at the Pschlos and...oh my God. I think the producers made sure they would make them look as ridiculous as possible. They look like Klingons that just strapped on more gear until it's unbearably bulky. Here, take a look for yourself:



How do you say, "Stupid fucking costumes" in Klingon?

Ok, so those are our antagonist, ladies and gents. Anyway, Lil' Jonnie makes a break for it and escapes his cage, grabs a gun, and pops a cap in a Psychlo with his own weapon. You'd think this would get the attention of someone...but he continues to run right past countless aliens. That is, until he runs in the Pyschol-John Travolta! So after all that running, Jonnie, you're still headin' to the slave line, pal.

After a scene of oppression, a Psychlo of importance, who's name is not given, comes to presumably give Travolta, or Terl, his transfer off of Earth. Please give it to him...make this movie end quicker. They have pointless dialogue about what a dog is and why it is superior to the human race, but is curiously unable to work like the "Man-Animals." These idiots are the ones that take over the Earth? Christ they're stupid. Anyway, Terl is denied his request for leaving Earth because, well, Psychols are real dick heads to each other. Our antagonist just got antagonized.

We now get a shot at Planet Psychlo...and they call our planet a dump. Anyway, Terl can't take denial well, so he decides to hit the booz (read: Mountain Dew in a fancy cup) and bitch about how good he is, and how much his associate, Ker, sucks. These are really some of the dumbest fucking names...EVER. And then...oh...I guess this scene is over.

Back at the Slave's Inn, Jonnie and some other shmuck get into a fight over who gets to eat the green, moldy, jello first. This is some riveting stuff, guys...I'm on the edge of my seat. What purpose does this scene have? None, of course...that's why we get a cut to see Terl and Ker argue over a location of gold that Ker tried to hide from Terl. Oh...I forgot to mention, the Psychlos' entire purpose for being on Earth is to mine for gold, because apparently, Psychlos love goooooollld. The look of it, the taste of it, the texture of it. They love it so much they would even smelt their dreadlocks in gold. Why gold? Why are you even asking...? Anyway, the large gold mine cannot be reached because there are large amounts of uranium in the location, and Psychlos cannot go anywhere near radiation. Oh my God...the acting is so bad it's just starting to get surreal. I guess Ker was going to betray Terl and claim all the gold for himself...I don't know...this entire scene, it feels like Travolta and Forest Whitaker (Ker) are reading their lines off of prompters just off screen. It hurts...SO BAD.



"I am vrom Psychlo, isn't dat veird?!"



So the scene ends and transitions, and like every other transition in this Hell Spawn movie, is the two vertical lines that sweep out and dissolve the screen. I feel like I'm watching a power point. What the fuck did they use to edit this? Windows Movie Maker? They must have blown the budget on props and costumes and didn't have enough for quality editors.



FX Editors of Battlefield Earth would like to extend their thanks to DeVry for such great training!

Anyway, Terl has devised a plan to the High-Poomba of the business to allow man-animals (that still sounds so damn stupid) to mine for golllddddd by warning this guy of an imminent uprising amongst the Psychlo workers. Terl warns that if the workers don't get paid, they will no longer work. Of course, the High-Poomba (I guess his name is "The Planetship") thinks that employeeing NEW workers, and paying them less, will be a better idea. Ker, wisely, corrects him by mentioning that it would still cost more money to do that. He is insulted with, "Did you not attend economics at The Academy?" Well, I did dumb shit...and if you can pay your workers less, do it! How would bringing in new workers be better? Let the humans do you work! Of coure, the Psychlos can't comprehend this, even though their entire culture is built on making money, and the Planetship denies Terl's option. If the acting and character design wasn't bad enough, these supposed galactic rulers can't even grip basic Macroeconomic fundamentals. Anger...rising...

Before we move on, I have to note this: the reason the Psychlos don't use the humans in anything but basic labor is because the human race is now dwindled down to cavemen like stupidity (which, I guess isn't that much different than now) and can't speak Psychlo. The Psychlos believe the humans are untrainable, unsophisticated, creatures that cannot handle machinery. A flaw from the producers: Humans can be seen operating machinery throughout the shots. Did they even try? Back to the rant...

*Corny Power Point Tranisition*

I guess the directors, so indulged in this invigorating plot, forgot that there was a human element to this story, and we need Jonnie to escape. The following is more evidence that the Psychols are complete idiots: a low flying ship hits a random tower and a piece falls over on a crowd of slaves. Luckily for us, Jonnie's ankle chain is broken and he takes off. Before he can make it too far, however, he gets shot and stunned. The guards wisely deduce that he is untrainable, and should be terminated. Like most villains, they have to be overly complicated about it...so let me explain another thing in this movie: every character in the movie has breathing apparatus on Earth. Why? I DON'T KNOW! It's never explained, it's just a given that they need these things to breath...and that's it. I don't know what's in the atmosphere, or if there is an atmosphere, but they can't breathe without it. Continuity out the shitter, here, folks. Anyway, the guards take Jonnie somewhere else and take off his masks, then proclaim, "He won't survive more than 4 minutes." Keep that in mind. Jonnie runs, gasping for air, trying to get some air from another human. The guards catch up with him, so Jonnie takes off again. And what does the movie do? Breaks the action sequence to give us more awful dialogue from Terl and Ker. Fucking stupid.

Sticking with what's on the screen, I guess...Terl records Ker explaining this brilliant plan. So now Terl has a fall guy and "Levage" over Ker. Leverage...ugh...he says that word a lot. I wonder how much leverage I could get if I take a Ryan Howard swing at Terl's head with a bat? Ker is a fucking idiot...and that's saying something when comparing him to the rest of the species.

Not to jar the audience, or anything, but now we're back running with Jonnie. Hey...aren't those 4 minutes up, yet? Regardless, he ducks through sewers, evading the stupidly slow Psychlo guards, but ends up at a dead end. When the two guards, somehow, corner him it looks like we get to go home early. See, guys? No need to go James Bond when killing a character....just shoot him! But, being a dumb movie, Jonnie is able to bounce their shots back at them and kill them....with a shard of glass. He wielded the thing like it's a fucking light sabre...actually, this is a scene so base that I think George Lucas would admire it.


"Fuck off, movie should. Mmm...asinine it is."


Terl and Ker were, apparently, taking a stroll through the sewers and liked the resourcefulness of Jonnie. Terl decides this could be a human to use for golllldddd drilling, but he needs "leverage" over it. You need leverage over the slave? Ugh...well, how does he plan to get leverage? By letting Jonnie, and a select few other humans, think they escape and then watching what the EAT. Once he knows what they like to eat, he will offer it to them and gain leverage on them. Anger...still...rising. Terl, clearly the human race is an evolved species. They communicate, they learn, we have thumbs! Do you realize how stupid your plan is? Fuck me this is AWFUL.

After 3 days of running, the 3 humans (Jonnie, and 2 other nameless bums) think they have gotten far and decide to eat. In a run down building, Jonnie captures a rat and eats it...raw. Jonnie, eating a disease infested rat would kill you unless you cooked it. Fuck-tard. Terl and Ker, watching the humans in secret, deduce that humans enjoy eating raw rat. Why? Because, "Clearly they could have gotten anything they wanted, and they chose rat." I'm calling shenanigans, movie, no way there is any sustainable food around in a building, that has been desolate for 1000 years, that the humans can eat. But raw rat? C'mon...

So the humans are re-captured, and Jonnie is taken to a machine that will send knowledge of the universe into his head. Maybe Terl should put his own head in that machine. So this is his big plan? Educate the slave? I'm sure nothing wrong will go with this, buddy...you dope.

Well, with his new found wisdom, Jonnie sits with his fellow slaves and explains to them mathematics. The group looks on like a classroom full of Elkton High Students, gazing mindlessly at the symbols drawn on the floor. Humans don't even know what a fucking triangle is...I'm going to remember that, I bet this movie will open up a segment for me to make a joke out of that. Anyway, Terl gets the Dumbass of the Year award for giving an imbecile the knowledge to upend the Psychlo rule. Moron.

With his new ability to understand Klingon..I mean...Psychlo, Jonnie locates the armory and the group of humans acquire some weapons and plan for a surprise attack. Of course, the movie doesn't like a flowing story line, so...

*Movie decides to stray away from main story line because it's time to re-inject the love story. And then for no reason, ends the scene...*

Back at the Love Shack, Terl believes that his plan is complete fail, so he is ready to kill Jonnie. But wait, Jonnie CAN speak Klingo and gets the jump on Terl and Ker. Unfortunately, the weapons are not loaded and the human's plan has, also, fallen flat on its face. Is everyone a moron in this movie? CHECK THE GUN...for Christ's sake. Angry that Jonnie tried to get...leverage...against him, Terl chokeslams Jonnie to the ground. God, he does this constantly through the movie. If he was a wrestler in the WWF, his finishing move would be the "Travolta Chokeslam."


Dramatization:
-"Christianity is the only way to save your soul!"
-"NO! Scientology is superior *Travolta Chokeslam*"


Terl takes Jonnie to the Denver Library to explain when the Psychlos attacked Earth, the humans could only fight them off for 9 minutes. There's so much wrong with that statement...it's pathetic - 20 bucks says that statement comes back to hurt this movies continuity. Jonnie looks through a book that says, "The Declaration of Independence" while this uprising orchestra play. He reads a book, and then Terl slams it shut. I don't understand this sequence...thank God it's over just as quickly as it started. I guess to further the suffocating of the human uprising, Terl takes the humans to an open field and shows off his marksmanship by shooting cows. Ok...then some natives come and have Terl at gun point, but doesn't shoot him because he has some awful plan worked out, Terl has captured Chrissy (Jonnie's bitch), but blows up some other poor sap's head instead. It's such a boring sequence that just could have been summed up with much better screen play. The producers must have been too busy jerking off...this is just getting painful. Well...more painful.

Jonnie is down because his buddy lost his head *rim shot*. But the entire room of slaves cheers him up because he will help the humans rise up and re-take what is theirs! Follow him, humanity, follow him to freedom! Yeah...you guessed it, another worthless scene.

The movie re-joins our favorite alien, Terl and Ker, after developing a new plan. After discovering that the Planetship has been keeping money from the workers, Terl has threatened to take protocol and kill him. Oh...but an offer he cannot refuse is made: Give the authority of Planetship to Terl. And of course any sap could figure this out because they have a fucking detailed discussion about it. Really, movie, you can actually tell aspects of a story without awful dialogue. The Planetship actually says, "These tenders are all blank and dated. You could put anything you wanted on them. You could run the entire planet. I would be nothing more then a pupet." Who the hell wrote this? Keep up, folks...Terl = Planetship.

With his new authority, he first prepares an order for mining equipment and the gathering of man-animals to work. Oh...how delightfully absurd. He also trains Jonnie how to fly one of their Chrystler space ship 300C model. And the scene is awful. Jonnie looks like me playing Mario Kart Wii...jerking the wheel around as if driving this lemon is the most challenging thing ever. If anything is that hard to drive, why would you make it like that? Psychlo engineers blow. After crashing once, and being threatened not to fail again, Jonnie passes the driving test. Terl follows up with, "It's amazing what a little leverage can do..." Stop saying "Leverage!" These writers should die a slow and painful death for the painful dialogue they have put me through!



A perfect analogy for the dialogue in Battlefield Earth. This movie is teh pain!


Terl drops off Jonnie at the mining site and orders him that the ship had better be half filled with golllllddd in 14 days 'else he will bring the death upon him. Why can't Terl stay, you ask? Well, because humans are resistent to radiation, while Psychlos are not. Oh wait...humans aren't resistent to radiation? Huh...


A picture = 1000 years worth of words.


They have devised a plan that has one half of the humans pretending to mine for golllldddd (so Terl will be fooled because he is watching them via camera), while the other half go to Fort Knox and steal the gold there. Actually....that isn't a bad plan. The first one so far in this movie and we're only 80 minutes in! However, the movie decides to fuck with your common sense and comes up with the worst...I mean the most illogical, irrational, over-the-top, plan EVER. Fuck every sci-fi movie's plan before this. Battlefield Earth takes the cake:

The humans will blow up the Dome (where the main city is...another thing the movie has not made clear up until this point). Problem is, once the Dome is blown up, thousands more Psychlos will beam down from their planet and destroy the uprising. How do they prevent that? I hope you're sitting down...by acquiring and re-wiring a nuclear weapon, then beaming it up to Psychlo where the radiation exposure will wipe out the entire race.

Wait...I'm not done. Not only will they be able to actually know how to work a nuclear bomb, but does the movie realize that a nuclear weapon's element's carbon life cycle will not last 1000 years? Oh...but there's more, they have located a storage bunker with perfectly good fighter jets AND a training program. Since they have the training program, I'm sure the idiots who didn't even know what a fucking triangle was a few days ago will have no problem using them. Movie, you've already established this is 1000 years in the future...NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE! They were basically cavemen a week ago, now they're military experts? No amount of crazy pills can supress my disbelief. Excuse me...I'm going to go blow up the Earth.




So while the humans get their plan together, we are treated to the continuation of the citcom known as "Terl and Ker." This time Ker has acquired footage of Terl making the illegal demands for man-animals to work and has pushed for getting 80% of the gold income. But Terl is having none of that, and shoots off Ker's hand. *Laugh track*. I think this movie is making a record for pointless scenes. Movie, if you aren't going to further devleop a character, or the plot, there is no point. Ugh...we got it, Terl is superior to Ker. Enough.

Back to the main story line, we see Jonnie is putting his plan into action. How? By opening fire on the first few Psychlo guards he sees. He's going with the element of surprise, I see. Even one of his fellow humans warns him that his, "Shooting has alerted the guards." Jonnie-boy, u-r stoopid. Needing to escape, Jonnie triggers slo-mo bullet evasion power and scrambles past the flying fire. You know, everytime a shot misses, the debris looks like fiberglass exploding. Psychlo structures blow. Carlo, a human who's name we finally know, has set up the explosives on top of the dome and alerts Jonnie that he is ready. As Carlo is cornered by the Psychlo's flight attack, the rest of the humans show up in the fighter jets. They fly like fucking professionals. How the hell can these cavemen do this? Ain't this a load of bullshit? Yeah...but let's get on with it, we're almost through.

Jonnie prepares the warp for some other nameless bum to transport the nuke to Psychlo. Gotta love how he handles this extremeley dangerous weapon like it's a toy. Dolt. Carlo is ordered to detonate the bombs, but just before the teleportation sequence can be completed...TRAVOLTA CHOKESLAM! It's canceled, but the explosives still go off. However, by the miracle of God know's what, none of the glass shatters leaving the dome in tact. Carlo, being a brave sucker, crashes his air craft (I don't know where he got it, just roll with the punches) into the top of the dome and them blows himself up. The hundreds of pounds of explosives didn't do it, but the little bit in the back of the craft were enough. Stupid. The glass shatters, and the entire structure comes down. Ugh...these Psychlo engineers are goddamned idiots. Not to mention how laughable the scene is with all the falling debris.

With the dome collapsed, Terl calls to the home planet in order to get reinforcements. Before he does that, though, Jonnie is able to reactivate the telporting countdown. Cue the final fight music...Jonnie vs. Terl. Man vs. Psychlo. A few weak punches and Travolta Chokeslams later, Jonnie straps the bomb that was attatched to Chrissy's neck (More Psychlo geinus: a bomb that doesn't explode when de-tatched) and secretely straps it onto Terl's arm. Tricked into detonating the bomb, Terl blows off his own arm. THESE creatures took over our planet? Not to mention the fact that earlier on Terl clearly stated it only took them 9 minutes to wipe out our best defenses. This fight has been going on for well over 20 minutes. I'm calling shenanigans on account of the Psychlo's power being greatly exaggerated.

So the nuke is sent to Psychlo, and being the strongest weapon ever built by incompotent humans, it blows up the whole planet. Whatever...continuity has left, anyway. Humans win...humanity is free! Let's end this shit-cicle.

Terl is captured and, I guess, is the only other Psychlo left. Instead of being killed, he is kept hostage in case other Psychlo colonies try to take over Earth, Jonnie will use the footage of Terl's betrayal to do something that will make them not want to take over Earth. I don't know...his logic is convoluted, as usual. Kill 'em. Anyway, I guess they have extra insurance because Ker has been named "Head Psychlo." Wow...head Psychlo on Planet Earth. Hey, Ker...piss off. So this is how the movie ends? Figures...only a movie this bad could end like this. The ending to Super Mairo was more satisfying. There is no resolution...only some omnipresent feeling that there could be another invasion, and with that a...*GASP*...sequal! Fuck that...


Sonic is doing a dramatization of this movie's flow. The ground is representing the ground, stopping the movie dead.



I remember this movie when it came out, but I don't remember it being this bad. I mean, sure, I'm much more cynical of a bastard now then I was in 2000...but God damn this is garbage. There isn't one redeeming quality with this movie. The acting, especially from the Academy Award winning actor John Travolta, is by far some of the worst. Dialogue is usually pointless and just hurts to listen to. I feel like the writers were hired right out of high school because of their Myspace blog entries, and the director (Roger Christian) IMDb listing shows that he has done a few good independant films, but everything is typical trash. The special effects aren't even that good, especially for a movie that had a 100 million dollar budget.

All of this, and none if it is even to mention the fact that this movie is revered by Scientologists because, get this, this is what they believe in. The basis of this movie are the fundementals of Scientology. John Travolta, a devout Scientologist, believes this trife? Fuck you. This movie needs to get an E.T. for the Atari 2600 treatment, and burry this in the damn desert. The credits are done...and I'm free. 'Till the next time...

Old Time Movie Rants 4: Primeval

I'm a fan of horror movies. To an extent, that is. I'm not a big "slasher" film kinda guy, but I don't mind my share of horror/suspense flicks. In 2007, I saw a trailer that appeared to be just that; a movie about some kind of super-natural serial killer in Africa. Sweet...sounds promising. At least it isn't a stupid monster movie...check out this trailer and tell me if there is ANY indication that this is some kind of animal.




Nope. It's even based off of a true story about a serial killer. Well hook, line, and sinker, count me in. If you guys didn't add it all up before...yeah...I'm an idiot.

The movie opens up with a shot of a few scientists and other workers digging up some bodies. The female scientists explains how these people have been executed and continues inspecting the area. She locates another pile of dirt that appears to conceal more bodies, so she shoves a shovel in the ground...but it hits something hard. The following scenes are so disillusioned, choppy, and sporadic, I really don't know what happens. Awful cinematography...all I know is that the Lady is dead and we're in Africa. Ugh...I need a Tylenol after that scene.

The opening credits begin...and I mention this because it should be the first key to what this movie is ACTUALLY about. We are treated to a bunch of news articles ranging from 1909 to present times about this "Serial Killer" named Gustave. Not to disrespect my millions and millions of readers in Africa, but am I really expected to care about this? No way this killer, which NO BODY can figure out who it is, would make front page in the NY Times. Just sayin'. Anyway...how can a human live for one hundred years? Uh oh...



The Force is strong with this one...

We are now at an office of a journalism company where we get to meet up with two of our main characters (read: monster fodder): Tim, Steven and Aviva. Tim is your prototypical douche, Steven (Orlando Jones-the black guy from MadTV) is supposed to be funny and, much like my blogs, is not, Aviva- the uninteresting woman scientist who is probably supposed to get naked, but doesn't. Oh...and like clockwork, the movie gives you two middle fingers; the "super natural serial killer" we were promised isn't a person, as advertised, but a crocodile. Fuck you, movie. If I wanted a monster movie I would've watched Godzilla...ass. Tim and Aviva meet up, and Big Boss Man wants Tim to, get this, go into Africa (a regular war zone) then film and CAPTURE Gustave. Are you kidding me? This creature has been killing native Africans for nearly a century, and for the sake of a story, wants a bunch of journalists to not only film it...but capture it? For Tim's sake, this place better have Aflack.


You can really just summarize the first few scenes with this. "Fuck you, viewers."



Our heroes(?) take a plane to Burundi, Africa (ShowTime has millions of readers there!) and talk about more things we don't care about. Also, the movie treats us to why Orlando Jones was a star on MadTv...his jokes are going to be painful, I hope he gets eaten soon. They land, and within minutes, are on a boat and ready to go become lunch. Silly Americans, we should listen to the wise Africans warning them of how deadly Gustave is. I'm not being sarcastic...these guys are stupid.

Nice transition, movie...we're now on a boat, at night, where Tim is still acting like a dick, and Aviva is till trying to pretend she can act. The back-and-forth between these two is laughable, no way they are journalists. Tim thinks that filming the capture of a century old killing machine is a "No-story." He must be the lead beat-guy on the "Brett Favre Watch." Dick. As the sexual tension grows, guys on the banks open fire on the boat. So much for that cease-fire, huh? No one is hurt and this scene had no purpose...thanks, movie.

New ShowTime Blog gimmick! The Croc Counter...the Croc Counter is a revolutionary tool that calculates how long Gustave is actually shown in the movie about him.
After 17:40 of the movie...Gustave has about :2 of actually being in the movie. He's been in 0.2% of the movie so far...

The crew meet up with Mathew Collins who is a licensed poacher...I mean...hunter. He is the one orchestrating this entire ordeal. Well, him and Jacob Krieg, who is a killer croc sympathist. He feels that Gustave should be taken alive, so it will be his way or the high way; the croc will be taken alive. Don't worry, he's not crazy, he's just a moron. Their fool-proof plan? Build a giant cage, put bait in the back, and have Gustave wonder on into it and then close the door. Jesus Christ, Wile E. Coyote had better plans than this.

They travel to Sorya Miduha, Burundi (I'm not this smart...the sub-text told me so) and meet with the locals that will help them out. Aviva sympathises with a dog who was put out on a raft, in the water, as an offering to Gustave. I told that dog to stop shitting on the carpet! Oh...and then the crew meets with a Shaman, who tells them that they will "Find what they are looking for...then they will find death." Thanks Shaman, I hope your head gets cut off. The next morning (this movie has worse transitions than RE:3, it's making my head hurt), our group and the locals lift up the giant cage and haul it to the site in which they will try and capture the 'croc. It's such a simple plan, I'm sure NOTHING will go wrong!


Crikey! Steve caught Gustave...great, movie over!

Well, Gustave shows up, but doesn't take the bait. Although he doesn't get caught, Collins was able to tag him with a GPA tracking device; now we'll know where he is at all times. The next morning (ugh...), the inspects their empty cage and pretty much scratches their heads. Their plan, well after a few more awful jokes from Steven, they decide to set the trap back up exactly the same way. Brilliant! The dinosaur that has already avoided your trap once is clearly stupid enough to fall for it the 2nd time. Meanwhile, Steven decides he wants to go shoot some footage of...nothing-ness. Yeah I guess the professional cameraman doesn't find a 30 foot killer crocodile interesting. While shooting stock Africa footage, he stumbles upon a few people who have captured the Shaman and his family. Let's play a game: How does the Shaman get got? a) Decapitation, b) Shot c) Who fucking cares, isn't this supposed to be about a crocodile? If you answered c, you're correct...but we were looking for a. HA! I got my wish. Steven returns to the tent and tells the rest of the crew what just went down...leading to them all debating on whether they should care or not. Isn't this just what you wanted when you think "super-natural serial killer who happens to be a crocodile?" Just when you think it can't get any worse...

I'm not sure what they decide to do, and I really don't care, because it's night time now. That means the Gustave trap is reset and ready to go. A local native, named Jo-Jo, that, for some reason, the movie takes a liking to climbs into the cage and starts yelling things at Gustave. Ladies and gents, this is my choice for "dumbest thing to happen that doesn't make any sense in a movie" award. Really...this is unbelievably stupid. Naturally, the movie throws us a cheap scare at us and makes Jo-Jo fall back and trigger the door shut. Then Gustave decides to show up and rattle Jo-Jo's cage *rim shot*, sending it into the water. Tim and the rest of the losers run out to scare off Gustave and save Jo-Jo. Another pointless scene that has some of the worst cinematography ever...you're doing great, movie.

Let's check on the Croc Counter!
With that last scene, Gustave has been in his own movie for a total of 0:19! Wow...we're now up to 0.7% of the movie that has contained the killer croc.

We find out Jo-Jo acted suicidal because he figured if he could capture Gustave, he could go to America. He wants to come here? Huh...apparently he doesn't know that our health care system is a joke or seen our tax rates. The soldiers, who have been protecting the group for the duration, are actually part of those behind the Shaman's murder. They don't want the footage getting out, so they begin to get ansy. And horny, apparently, as one of them tries to rape Aviva. He fights him off for a minute, but then he has her cornered. But like many crocodiles, Gustave does not find rape humorous...so he devours the soldier. There is still one soldier left, and he demands that they hand over the computer. Our hero's backs are against the walls, they are about to be executed, I wish he would shoot faster...but no, Jo-Jo returns and puts a bullet into the soldier. Damn. Regardless, Krieg was shot and the crew needs to find a place to hide out until day break. Gustave is having none of that...especially since they choose to hide in a small shack right off the water. Gustave attacks and makes the wounded Krieg his bitch. How are they going to survived the night?! They are defenseless!

And...Gustave gives up. For no reason at all...he just stops. Why? Wouldn't he go after the other 5 people? Stupid. So the remaining survivors (Tim, Steven, Aviva, Jo-Jo, and Collins) wait on the dock that was just destroyed by the 30 foot killer crocodile. I swear to God they are laying there like nothing happened, shooting the shit. This makes no fucking sense. So finally the helicopter that they called for last night arrives and the plot hole characters make a run for it. But before they can make it, the three goons that knocked off the Shaman arrive in their truck and shoot a rocket at the helicopter; they miss, but it inexplicably flies away NEVER TO RETURN. They don't even try to help...douches. Collins, however, does not want to die so he still tries to run after the 'copter. Yeah...he fails to get to da choppa...the 3 goons hit him with the truck and then shoot 'em. Why did he try and run after it? Oh...it was just an easy way for the writers to get rid of a character. You know...the longer this movie runs, the less sense it's beginning to make. You think the writers began to stop caring? I do.



Red thinks that this movie should stop acting like a DUMB ASS!

Now Tim, Aviva, Steven, and Jo-Jo are left to hide in the brush from the crazies. I thought this was a movie about a crocodile...just sayin'. Anyway, the group decides it's best if they go Scooby Doo and split up. Steven is the only idiot to dive into the fucking water...you know, where the croc is probably hiding. More from his mauling in a minute...they manage to escape the crazies for the most part, until it's down to one of them. Prepare for an epic battle...Tim vs. Nameless-African Guy, ring the bell!

3 unadventurous minutes later...

African Guy's brains are in the water. Shame. Anyway, we still have the non-comical camera man to take care of. I hope he makes a few awful one liners before Gustave destroys him. While wallowing knee deep in the swamp, Steven goes face-to-face with Gustave, and hauls ass in the opposite direction. Let me tell you...this croc makes Devin Hester look slow. The 1000 pound beast with small arms can run 30 mph. My ass...something that large, with such little legs, could NOT run that fast. Steven's death scene is odd, too...instead of seeing a terrible CGI effect of him getting chomped, we see the a final shot of him running from Gustave...then a fade to white. It almost seems as if the movie wants us to believe he is still alive...I really don't get it; probably just more terrible editing and cinematography.

We return with Tim, Aviva, and Jo-Jo: our only remaining survivors. Harry, who was a main component in setting this entire trip up, arrives conveniently and pretends to help the 3. However, his true desire is to acquire the computer that shows his men slaughtering innocent people. They try to tell him that they don't have it...but he doesn't buy it. Right...they are hiding the laptop up their rectums. What computer could really survive this much abuse? It's probably floating in the Nile, by now. Idiots. Anyway, Tim tricks Harry into believing that the GPS device that tracks Gustave is really a GPA device that tracks the computer. Harry is a real moron, like the computer is even that vital. Besides, what exactly is Tim's plan? Lead them all to Gustave so he can get eaten? How does this make sense in any real word concept!? Did the writers even pay attention?


A dramatization of ShowTime blogging about Primeval

So the group wonder into a swamp with the rain pouring down. I'm sure that computer still works here...ugh. They search all the way back until they locate a bone pit; presumably Gustave's meals. Tim finds a knife, and kills the henchman. Aviva then splashes Harry with the liquid bait that was used early to distract Gustave. Tim and Aviva run away, but don't quite escape. Harry puts 2 bullets into Tim's legs and then approaches for the kill but, in the name of plot-convenience, runs outta ammo. Still, it looks bleak for our heroes(?), that is until Gustave makes his presence known. Naturally, he goes after Harry because of the bait that he is lathered in. Gustave catches him and makes him dinner part 2.

Tim and Aviva take this time to run out of the swamp and back into the vehicle that they rode here in. Gustave, however, is still hungry. Yeah...throughout the movie he's stopped after eating one victim; I guess he just really hates these two pricks...can't say I blame him. He attacks the car, but Tim fights him off with a small, sharp stick and then drives away. That's it? That's the end of the movie...excuse me, I'm gonna go throw my computer out the window.


This is it...the bottom of the barrel when it comes to horror movies. Forget flicks like Friday the 13th: Jason takes Manhattan. This is worse because it lied to us. Not only did it lie...it lied, then sucked beyond measurable proportions. Let's list some of the reasons this movie blows:

-The camera work is terrible. I mean...it's so jumpy it'll give you a headache.
-The CGI in this movie is a damn joke.
-I never once cared about any of these characters...I really couldn't have been more disconnected.
-There was a plot?

You know what...you get the picture. If I start naming off reasons, we'll be here all night. This movie lied about being a "serial killer" movie, and ended up being a movie that tried to make me sympathise with African struggles, via a mythical crocodile. And about Gustave, the entire movie they talk like it's an actual person. I don't care how smart it is for an animal, it doesn't have human tendencies; which is something the dialogue between the cast seems to indicate. Oh...and why would anyone be so concerned about what's on a camera? The U.N. isn't going to a damn thing about it...they still don't care about Darfur! Instead of focusing on the croc, the movie narrows about some side story line.

Oh...and before I forget, the Croc Counter.
Up from 19 SECONDS of actually being in the movie, Gustav finishes off with about 10 full minutes of being apart of the movie. That rounds out to be about 10% of the entire movie. A movie about a killer crocodile only features the beast for 10% of the movie. Guys...the numbers don't lie. This movie sucks. Roll the credits...I'm done.