Old Time Movie Rants 5: Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000

I feel dirty. Not the "Just played a game of football" dirty...the "I can't believe I just had sex with THAT" dirty. When I think of movies to destroy, I try to think of those that are bad, but have redeeming qualities. Battlefield Earth has none. Sci-Fi movies usually call for a suspension of belief; meaning that you have to just accept what the movie is telling you because it's supposed to be outlandish. In this case, there is no exception for the amount of mind-boggling scenarios. Put on your Scientology hats...let's get crazy, let's get nuts!


The movie starts off with 3 paragraphs of green computer text telling us that aliens from the planet Psychlo have enslaved humanity and have ruled the Earth for 1000 years. To bring home that point, we then meet a tribe of people who have hunkered themselves on the side of a mountain. This is where we meet Chrissy and begin the first storyline of the movie: A love interest. Ugh...so Chrissy is worried that her lover will not return by dusk and get captured by the demons that roam the land. Don't worry, though, the young intrepid returns on his white stallion. I guess he just rode from the mountain side, because he doesn't travel through the front gate. Nice blockade this village has, here. This hippie's name is Jonnie, and he does not quite believe in these demons. I guess the desolate environment, seclusion, and complete lack of any other group of people wasn't a big enough tip off for this guy; at least the movie picked a competent hero. Regardless, he goes out in search for...subject not given, and finds 2 other fearless humans. They all find themselves in a mall and feast upon some jerky, or something, and all is well. Until, uh oh...a demon has come from no where and begins stalking them. At the speed of a fucking slug, he manages to still capture them and they all are sent to a concentration camp.

Here, we get our first look at the Pschlos and...oh my God. I think the producers made sure they would make them look as ridiculous as possible. They look like Klingons that just strapped on more gear until it's unbearably bulky. Here, take a look for yourself:



How do you say, "Stupid fucking costumes" in Klingon?

Ok, so those are our antagonist, ladies and gents. Anyway, Lil' Jonnie makes a break for it and escapes his cage, grabs a gun, and pops a cap in a Psychlo with his own weapon. You'd think this would get the attention of someone...but he continues to run right past countless aliens. That is, until he runs in the Pyschol-John Travolta! So after all that running, Jonnie, you're still headin' to the slave line, pal.

After a scene of oppression, a Psychlo of importance, who's name is not given, comes to presumably give Travolta, or Terl, his transfer off of Earth. Please give it to him...make this movie end quicker. They have pointless dialogue about what a dog is and why it is superior to the human race, but is curiously unable to work like the "Man-Animals." These idiots are the ones that take over the Earth? Christ they're stupid. Anyway, Terl is denied his request for leaving Earth because, well, Psychols are real dick heads to each other. Our antagonist just got antagonized.

We now get a shot at Planet Psychlo...and they call our planet a dump. Anyway, Terl can't take denial well, so he decides to hit the booz (read: Mountain Dew in a fancy cup) and bitch about how good he is, and how much his associate, Ker, sucks. These are really some of the dumbest fucking names...EVER. And then...oh...I guess this scene is over.

Back at the Slave's Inn, Jonnie and some other shmuck get into a fight over who gets to eat the green, moldy, jello first. This is some riveting stuff, guys...I'm on the edge of my seat. What purpose does this scene have? None, of course...that's why we get a cut to see Terl and Ker argue over a location of gold that Ker tried to hide from Terl. Oh...I forgot to mention, the Psychlos' entire purpose for being on Earth is to mine for gold, because apparently, Psychlos love goooooollld. The look of it, the taste of it, the texture of it. They love it so much they would even smelt their dreadlocks in gold. Why gold? Why are you even asking...? Anyway, the large gold mine cannot be reached because there are large amounts of uranium in the location, and Psychlos cannot go anywhere near radiation. Oh my God...the acting is so bad it's just starting to get surreal. I guess Ker was going to betray Terl and claim all the gold for himself...I don't know...this entire scene, it feels like Travolta and Forest Whitaker (Ker) are reading their lines off of prompters just off screen. It hurts...SO BAD.



"I am vrom Psychlo, isn't dat veird?!"



So the scene ends and transitions, and like every other transition in this Hell Spawn movie, is the two vertical lines that sweep out and dissolve the screen. I feel like I'm watching a power point. What the fuck did they use to edit this? Windows Movie Maker? They must have blown the budget on props and costumes and didn't have enough for quality editors.



FX Editors of Battlefield Earth would like to extend their thanks to DeVry for such great training!

Anyway, Terl has devised a plan to the High-Poomba of the business to allow man-animals (that still sounds so damn stupid) to mine for golllddddd by warning this guy of an imminent uprising amongst the Psychlo workers. Terl warns that if the workers don't get paid, they will no longer work. Of course, the High-Poomba (I guess his name is "The Planetship") thinks that employeeing NEW workers, and paying them less, will be a better idea. Ker, wisely, corrects him by mentioning that it would still cost more money to do that. He is insulted with, "Did you not attend economics at The Academy?" Well, I did dumb shit...and if you can pay your workers less, do it! How would bringing in new workers be better? Let the humans do you work! Of coure, the Psychlos can't comprehend this, even though their entire culture is built on making money, and the Planetship denies Terl's option. If the acting and character design wasn't bad enough, these supposed galactic rulers can't even grip basic Macroeconomic fundamentals. Anger...rising...

Before we move on, I have to note this: the reason the Psychlos don't use the humans in anything but basic labor is because the human race is now dwindled down to cavemen like stupidity (which, I guess isn't that much different than now) and can't speak Psychlo. The Psychlos believe the humans are untrainable, unsophisticated, creatures that cannot handle machinery. A flaw from the producers: Humans can be seen operating machinery throughout the shots. Did they even try? Back to the rant...

*Corny Power Point Tranisition*

I guess the directors, so indulged in this invigorating plot, forgot that there was a human element to this story, and we need Jonnie to escape. The following is more evidence that the Psychols are complete idiots: a low flying ship hits a random tower and a piece falls over on a crowd of slaves. Luckily for us, Jonnie's ankle chain is broken and he takes off. Before he can make it too far, however, he gets shot and stunned. The guards wisely deduce that he is untrainable, and should be terminated. Like most villains, they have to be overly complicated about it...so let me explain another thing in this movie: every character in the movie has breathing apparatus on Earth. Why? I DON'T KNOW! It's never explained, it's just a given that they need these things to breath...and that's it. I don't know what's in the atmosphere, or if there is an atmosphere, but they can't breathe without it. Continuity out the shitter, here, folks. Anyway, the guards take Jonnie somewhere else and take off his masks, then proclaim, "He won't survive more than 4 minutes." Keep that in mind. Jonnie runs, gasping for air, trying to get some air from another human. The guards catch up with him, so Jonnie takes off again. And what does the movie do? Breaks the action sequence to give us more awful dialogue from Terl and Ker. Fucking stupid.

Sticking with what's on the screen, I guess...Terl records Ker explaining this brilliant plan. So now Terl has a fall guy and "Levage" over Ker. Leverage...ugh...he says that word a lot. I wonder how much leverage I could get if I take a Ryan Howard swing at Terl's head with a bat? Ker is a fucking idiot...and that's saying something when comparing him to the rest of the species.

Not to jar the audience, or anything, but now we're back running with Jonnie. Hey...aren't those 4 minutes up, yet? Regardless, he ducks through sewers, evading the stupidly slow Psychlo guards, but ends up at a dead end. When the two guards, somehow, corner him it looks like we get to go home early. See, guys? No need to go James Bond when killing a character....just shoot him! But, being a dumb movie, Jonnie is able to bounce their shots back at them and kill them....with a shard of glass. He wielded the thing like it's a fucking light sabre...actually, this is a scene so base that I think George Lucas would admire it.


"Fuck off, movie should. Mmm...asinine it is."


Terl and Ker were, apparently, taking a stroll through the sewers and liked the resourcefulness of Jonnie. Terl decides this could be a human to use for golllldddd drilling, but he needs "leverage" over it. You need leverage over the slave? Ugh...well, how does he plan to get leverage? By letting Jonnie, and a select few other humans, think they escape and then watching what the EAT. Once he knows what they like to eat, he will offer it to them and gain leverage on them. Anger...still...rising. Terl, clearly the human race is an evolved species. They communicate, they learn, we have thumbs! Do you realize how stupid your plan is? Fuck me this is AWFUL.

After 3 days of running, the 3 humans (Jonnie, and 2 other nameless bums) think they have gotten far and decide to eat. In a run down building, Jonnie captures a rat and eats it...raw. Jonnie, eating a disease infested rat would kill you unless you cooked it. Fuck-tard. Terl and Ker, watching the humans in secret, deduce that humans enjoy eating raw rat. Why? Because, "Clearly they could have gotten anything they wanted, and they chose rat." I'm calling shenanigans, movie, no way there is any sustainable food around in a building, that has been desolate for 1000 years, that the humans can eat. But raw rat? C'mon...

So the humans are re-captured, and Jonnie is taken to a machine that will send knowledge of the universe into his head. Maybe Terl should put his own head in that machine. So this is his big plan? Educate the slave? I'm sure nothing wrong will go with this, buddy...you dope.

Well, with his new found wisdom, Jonnie sits with his fellow slaves and explains to them mathematics. The group looks on like a classroom full of Elkton High Students, gazing mindlessly at the symbols drawn on the floor. Humans don't even know what a fucking triangle is...I'm going to remember that, I bet this movie will open up a segment for me to make a joke out of that. Anyway, Terl gets the Dumbass of the Year award for giving an imbecile the knowledge to upend the Psychlo rule. Moron.

With his new ability to understand Klingon..I mean...Psychlo, Jonnie locates the armory and the group of humans acquire some weapons and plan for a surprise attack. Of course, the movie doesn't like a flowing story line, so...

*Movie decides to stray away from main story line because it's time to re-inject the love story. And then for no reason, ends the scene...*

Back at the Love Shack, Terl believes that his plan is complete fail, so he is ready to kill Jonnie. But wait, Jonnie CAN speak Klingo and gets the jump on Terl and Ker. Unfortunately, the weapons are not loaded and the human's plan has, also, fallen flat on its face. Is everyone a moron in this movie? CHECK THE GUN...for Christ's sake. Angry that Jonnie tried to get...leverage...against him, Terl chokeslams Jonnie to the ground. God, he does this constantly through the movie. If he was a wrestler in the WWF, his finishing move would be the "Travolta Chokeslam."


Dramatization:
-"Christianity is the only way to save your soul!"
-"NO! Scientology is superior *Travolta Chokeslam*"


Terl takes Jonnie to the Denver Library to explain when the Psychlos attacked Earth, the humans could only fight them off for 9 minutes. There's so much wrong with that statement...it's pathetic - 20 bucks says that statement comes back to hurt this movies continuity. Jonnie looks through a book that says, "The Declaration of Independence" while this uprising orchestra play. He reads a book, and then Terl slams it shut. I don't understand this sequence...thank God it's over just as quickly as it started. I guess to further the suffocating of the human uprising, Terl takes the humans to an open field and shows off his marksmanship by shooting cows. Ok...then some natives come and have Terl at gun point, but doesn't shoot him because he has some awful plan worked out, Terl has captured Chrissy (Jonnie's bitch), but blows up some other poor sap's head instead. It's such a boring sequence that just could have been summed up with much better screen play. The producers must have been too busy jerking off...this is just getting painful. Well...more painful.

Jonnie is down because his buddy lost his head *rim shot*. But the entire room of slaves cheers him up because he will help the humans rise up and re-take what is theirs! Follow him, humanity, follow him to freedom! Yeah...you guessed it, another worthless scene.

The movie re-joins our favorite alien, Terl and Ker, after developing a new plan. After discovering that the Planetship has been keeping money from the workers, Terl has threatened to take protocol and kill him. Oh...but an offer he cannot refuse is made: Give the authority of Planetship to Terl. And of course any sap could figure this out because they have a fucking detailed discussion about it. Really, movie, you can actually tell aspects of a story without awful dialogue. The Planetship actually says, "These tenders are all blank and dated. You could put anything you wanted on them. You could run the entire planet. I would be nothing more then a pupet." Who the hell wrote this? Keep up, folks...Terl = Planetship.

With his new authority, he first prepares an order for mining equipment and the gathering of man-animals to work. Oh...how delightfully absurd. He also trains Jonnie how to fly one of their Chrystler space ship 300C model. And the scene is awful. Jonnie looks like me playing Mario Kart Wii...jerking the wheel around as if driving this lemon is the most challenging thing ever. If anything is that hard to drive, why would you make it like that? Psychlo engineers blow. After crashing once, and being threatened not to fail again, Jonnie passes the driving test. Terl follows up with, "It's amazing what a little leverage can do..." Stop saying "Leverage!" These writers should die a slow and painful death for the painful dialogue they have put me through!



A perfect analogy for the dialogue in Battlefield Earth. This movie is teh pain!


Terl drops off Jonnie at the mining site and orders him that the ship had better be half filled with golllllddd in 14 days 'else he will bring the death upon him. Why can't Terl stay, you ask? Well, because humans are resistent to radiation, while Psychlos are not. Oh wait...humans aren't resistent to radiation? Huh...


A picture = 1000 years worth of words.


They have devised a plan that has one half of the humans pretending to mine for golllldddd (so Terl will be fooled because he is watching them via camera), while the other half go to Fort Knox and steal the gold there. Actually....that isn't a bad plan. The first one so far in this movie and we're only 80 minutes in! However, the movie decides to fuck with your common sense and comes up with the worst...I mean the most illogical, irrational, over-the-top, plan EVER. Fuck every sci-fi movie's plan before this. Battlefield Earth takes the cake:

The humans will blow up the Dome (where the main city is...another thing the movie has not made clear up until this point). Problem is, once the Dome is blown up, thousands more Psychlos will beam down from their planet and destroy the uprising. How do they prevent that? I hope you're sitting down...by acquiring and re-wiring a nuclear weapon, then beaming it up to Psychlo where the radiation exposure will wipe out the entire race.

Wait...I'm not done. Not only will they be able to actually know how to work a nuclear bomb, but does the movie realize that a nuclear weapon's element's carbon life cycle will not last 1000 years? Oh...but there's more, they have located a storage bunker with perfectly good fighter jets AND a training program. Since they have the training program, I'm sure the idiots who didn't even know what a fucking triangle was a few days ago will have no problem using them. Movie, you've already established this is 1000 years in the future...NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE! They were basically cavemen a week ago, now they're military experts? No amount of crazy pills can supress my disbelief. Excuse me...I'm going to go blow up the Earth.




So while the humans get their plan together, we are treated to the continuation of the citcom known as "Terl and Ker." This time Ker has acquired footage of Terl making the illegal demands for man-animals to work and has pushed for getting 80% of the gold income. But Terl is having none of that, and shoots off Ker's hand. *Laugh track*. I think this movie is making a record for pointless scenes. Movie, if you aren't going to further devleop a character, or the plot, there is no point. Ugh...we got it, Terl is superior to Ker. Enough.

Back to the main story line, we see Jonnie is putting his plan into action. How? By opening fire on the first few Psychlo guards he sees. He's going with the element of surprise, I see. Even one of his fellow humans warns him that his, "Shooting has alerted the guards." Jonnie-boy, u-r stoopid. Needing to escape, Jonnie triggers slo-mo bullet evasion power and scrambles past the flying fire. You know, everytime a shot misses, the debris looks like fiberglass exploding. Psychlo structures blow. Carlo, a human who's name we finally know, has set up the explosives on top of the dome and alerts Jonnie that he is ready. As Carlo is cornered by the Psychlo's flight attack, the rest of the humans show up in the fighter jets. They fly like fucking professionals. How the hell can these cavemen do this? Ain't this a load of bullshit? Yeah...but let's get on with it, we're almost through.

Jonnie prepares the warp for some other nameless bum to transport the nuke to Psychlo. Gotta love how he handles this extremeley dangerous weapon like it's a toy. Dolt. Carlo is ordered to detonate the bombs, but just before the teleportation sequence can be completed...TRAVOLTA CHOKESLAM! It's canceled, but the explosives still go off. However, by the miracle of God know's what, none of the glass shatters leaving the dome in tact. Carlo, being a brave sucker, crashes his air craft (I don't know where he got it, just roll with the punches) into the top of the dome and them blows himself up. The hundreds of pounds of explosives didn't do it, but the little bit in the back of the craft were enough. Stupid. The glass shatters, and the entire structure comes down. Ugh...these Psychlo engineers are goddamned idiots. Not to mention how laughable the scene is with all the falling debris.

With the dome collapsed, Terl calls to the home planet in order to get reinforcements. Before he does that, though, Jonnie is able to reactivate the telporting countdown. Cue the final fight music...Jonnie vs. Terl. Man vs. Psychlo. A few weak punches and Travolta Chokeslams later, Jonnie straps the bomb that was attatched to Chrissy's neck (More Psychlo geinus: a bomb that doesn't explode when de-tatched) and secretely straps it onto Terl's arm. Tricked into detonating the bomb, Terl blows off his own arm. THESE creatures took over our planet? Not to mention the fact that earlier on Terl clearly stated it only took them 9 minutes to wipe out our best defenses. This fight has been going on for well over 20 minutes. I'm calling shenanigans on account of the Psychlo's power being greatly exaggerated.

So the nuke is sent to Psychlo, and being the strongest weapon ever built by incompotent humans, it blows up the whole planet. Whatever...continuity has left, anyway. Humans win...humanity is free! Let's end this shit-cicle.

Terl is captured and, I guess, is the only other Psychlo left. Instead of being killed, he is kept hostage in case other Psychlo colonies try to take over Earth, Jonnie will use the footage of Terl's betrayal to do something that will make them not want to take over Earth. I don't know...his logic is convoluted, as usual. Kill 'em. Anyway, I guess they have extra insurance because Ker has been named "Head Psychlo." Wow...head Psychlo on Planet Earth. Hey, Ker...piss off. So this is how the movie ends? Figures...only a movie this bad could end like this. The ending to Super Mairo was more satisfying. There is no resolution...only some omnipresent feeling that there could be another invasion, and with that a...*GASP*...sequal! Fuck that...


Sonic is doing a dramatization of this movie's flow. The ground is representing the ground, stopping the movie dead.



I remember this movie when it came out, but I don't remember it being this bad. I mean, sure, I'm much more cynical of a bastard now then I was in 2000...but God damn this is garbage. There isn't one redeeming quality with this movie. The acting, especially from the Academy Award winning actor John Travolta, is by far some of the worst. Dialogue is usually pointless and just hurts to listen to. I feel like the writers were hired right out of high school because of their Myspace blog entries, and the director (Roger Christian) IMDb listing shows that he has done a few good independant films, but everything is typical trash. The special effects aren't even that good, especially for a movie that had a 100 million dollar budget.

All of this, and none if it is even to mention the fact that this movie is revered by Scientologists because, get this, this is what they believe in. The basis of this movie are the fundementals of Scientology. John Travolta, a devout Scientologist, believes this trife? Fuck you. This movie needs to get an E.T. for the Atari 2600 treatment, and burry this in the damn desert. The credits are done...and I'm free. 'Till the next time...

Old Time Movie Rants 4: Primeval

I'm a fan of horror movies. To an extent, that is. I'm not a big "slasher" film kinda guy, but I don't mind my share of horror/suspense flicks. In 2007, I saw a trailer that appeared to be just that; a movie about some kind of super-natural serial killer in Africa. Sweet...sounds promising. At least it isn't a stupid monster movie...check out this trailer and tell me if there is ANY indication that this is some kind of animal.




Nope. It's even based off of a true story about a serial killer. Well hook, line, and sinker, count me in. If you guys didn't add it all up before...yeah...I'm an idiot.

The movie opens up with a shot of a few scientists and other workers digging up some bodies. The female scientists explains how these people have been executed and continues inspecting the area. She locates another pile of dirt that appears to conceal more bodies, so she shoves a shovel in the ground...but it hits something hard. The following scenes are so disillusioned, choppy, and sporadic, I really don't know what happens. Awful cinematography...all I know is that the Lady is dead and we're in Africa. Ugh...I need a Tylenol after that scene.

The opening credits begin...and I mention this because it should be the first key to what this movie is ACTUALLY about. We are treated to a bunch of news articles ranging from 1909 to present times about this "Serial Killer" named Gustave. Not to disrespect my millions and millions of readers in Africa, but am I really expected to care about this? No way this killer, which NO BODY can figure out who it is, would make front page in the NY Times. Just sayin'. Anyway...how can a human live for one hundred years? Uh oh...



The Force is strong with this one...

We are now at an office of a journalism company where we get to meet up with two of our main characters (read: monster fodder): Tim, Steven and Aviva. Tim is your prototypical douche, Steven (Orlando Jones-the black guy from MadTV) is supposed to be funny and, much like my blogs, is not, Aviva- the uninteresting woman scientist who is probably supposed to get naked, but doesn't. Oh...and like clockwork, the movie gives you two middle fingers; the "super natural serial killer" we were promised isn't a person, as advertised, but a crocodile. Fuck you, movie. If I wanted a monster movie I would've watched Godzilla...ass. Tim and Aviva meet up, and Big Boss Man wants Tim to, get this, go into Africa (a regular war zone) then film and CAPTURE Gustave. Are you kidding me? This creature has been killing native Africans for nearly a century, and for the sake of a story, wants a bunch of journalists to not only film it...but capture it? For Tim's sake, this place better have Aflack.


You can really just summarize the first few scenes with this. "Fuck you, viewers."



Our heroes(?) take a plane to Burundi, Africa (ShowTime has millions of readers there!) and talk about more things we don't care about. Also, the movie treats us to why Orlando Jones was a star on MadTv...his jokes are going to be painful, I hope he gets eaten soon. They land, and within minutes, are on a boat and ready to go become lunch. Silly Americans, we should listen to the wise Africans warning them of how deadly Gustave is. I'm not being sarcastic...these guys are stupid.

Nice transition, movie...we're now on a boat, at night, where Tim is still acting like a dick, and Aviva is till trying to pretend she can act. The back-and-forth between these two is laughable, no way they are journalists. Tim thinks that filming the capture of a century old killing machine is a "No-story." He must be the lead beat-guy on the "Brett Favre Watch." Dick. As the sexual tension grows, guys on the banks open fire on the boat. So much for that cease-fire, huh? No one is hurt and this scene had no purpose...thanks, movie.

New ShowTime Blog gimmick! The Croc Counter...the Croc Counter is a revolutionary tool that calculates how long Gustave is actually shown in the movie about him.
After 17:40 of the movie...Gustave has about :2 of actually being in the movie. He's been in 0.2% of the movie so far...

The crew meet up with Mathew Collins who is a licensed poacher...I mean...hunter. He is the one orchestrating this entire ordeal. Well, him and Jacob Krieg, who is a killer croc sympathist. He feels that Gustave should be taken alive, so it will be his way or the high way; the croc will be taken alive. Don't worry, he's not crazy, he's just a moron. Their fool-proof plan? Build a giant cage, put bait in the back, and have Gustave wonder on into it and then close the door. Jesus Christ, Wile E. Coyote had better plans than this.

They travel to Sorya Miduha, Burundi (I'm not this smart...the sub-text told me so) and meet with the locals that will help them out. Aviva sympathises with a dog who was put out on a raft, in the water, as an offering to Gustave. I told that dog to stop shitting on the carpet! Oh...and then the crew meets with a Shaman, who tells them that they will "Find what they are looking for...then they will find death." Thanks Shaman, I hope your head gets cut off. The next morning (this movie has worse transitions than RE:3, it's making my head hurt), our group and the locals lift up the giant cage and haul it to the site in which they will try and capture the 'croc. It's such a simple plan, I'm sure NOTHING will go wrong!


Crikey! Steve caught Gustave...great, movie over!

Well, Gustave shows up, but doesn't take the bait. Although he doesn't get caught, Collins was able to tag him with a GPA tracking device; now we'll know where he is at all times. The next morning (ugh...), the inspects their empty cage and pretty much scratches their heads. Their plan, well after a few more awful jokes from Steven, they decide to set the trap back up exactly the same way. Brilliant! The dinosaur that has already avoided your trap once is clearly stupid enough to fall for it the 2nd time. Meanwhile, Steven decides he wants to go shoot some footage of...nothing-ness. Yeah I guess the professional cameraman doesn't find a 30 foot killer crocodile interesting. While shooting stock Africa footage, he stumbles upon a few people who have captured the Shaman and his family. Let's play a game: How does the Shaman get got? a) Decapitation, b) Shot c) Who fucking cares, isn't this supposed to be about a crocodile? If you answered c, you're correct...but we were looking for a. HA! I got my wish. Steven returns to the tent and tells the rest of the crew what just went down...leading to them all debating on whether they should care or not. Isn't this just what you wanted when you think "super-natural serial killer who happens to be a crocodile?" Just when you think it can't get any worse...

I'm not sure what they decide to do, and I really don't care, because it's night time now. That means the Gustave trap is reset and ready to go. A local native, named Jo-Jo, that, for some reason, the movie takes a liking to climbs into the cage and starts yelling things at Gustave. Ladies and gents, this is my choice for "dumbest thing to happen that doesn't make any sense in a movie" award. Really...this is unbelievably stupid. Naturally, the movie throws us a cheap scare at us and makes Jo-Jo fall back and trigger the door shut. Then Gustave decides to show up and rattle Jo-Jo's cage *rim shot*, sending it into the water. Tim and the rest of the losers run out to scare off Gustave and save Jo-Jo. Another pointless scene that has some of the worst cinematography ever...you're doing great, movie.

Let's check on the Croc Counter!
With that last scene, Gustave has been in his own movie for a total of 0:19! Wow...we're now up to 0.7% of the movie that has contained the killer croc.

We find out Jo-Jo acted suicidal because he figured if he could capture Gustave, he could go to America. He wants to come here? Huh...apparently he doesn't know that our health care system is a joke or seen our tax rates. The soldiers, who have been protecting the group for the duration, are actually part of those behind the Shaman's murder. They don't want the footage getting out, so they begin to get ansy. And horny, apparently, as one of them tries to rape Aviva. He fights him off for a minute, but then he has her cornered. But like many crocodiles, Gustave does not find rape humorous...so he devours the soldier. There is still one soldier left, and he demands that they hand over the computer. Our hero's backs are against the walls, they are about to be executed, I wish he would shoot faster...but no, Jo-Jo returns and puts a bullet into the soldier. Damn. Regardless, Krieg was shot and the crew needs to find a place to hide out until day break. Gustave is having none of that...especially since they choose to hide in a small shack right off the water. Gustave attacks and makes the wounded Krieg his bitch. How are they going to survived the night?! They are defenseless!

And...Gustave gives up. For no reason at all...he just stops. Why? Wouldn't he go after the other 5 people? Stupid. So the remaining survivors (Tim, Steven, Aviva, Jo-Jo, and Collins) wait on the dock that was just destroyed by the 30 foot killer crocodile. I swear to God they are laying there like nothing happened, shooting the shit. This makes no fucking sense. So finally the helicopter that they called for last night arrives and the plot hole characters make a run for it. But before they can make it, the three goons that knocked off the Shaman arrive in their truck and shoot a rocket at the helicopter; they miss, but it inexplicably flies away NEVER TO RETURN. They don't even try to help...douches. Collins, however, does not want to die so he still tries to run after the 'copter. Yeah...he fails to get to da choppa...the 3 goons hit him with the truck and then shoot 'em. Why did he try and run after it? Oh...it was just an easy way for the writers to get rid of a character. You know...the longer this movie runs, the less sense it's beginning to make. You think the writers began to stop caring? I do.



Red thinks that this movie should stop acting like a DUMB ASS!

Now Tim, Aviva, Steven, and Jo-Jo are left to hide in the brush from the crazies. I thought this was a movie about a crocodile...just sayin'. Anyway, the group decides it's best if they go Scooby Doo and split up. Steven is the only idiot to dive into the fucking water...you know, where the croc is probably hiding. More from his mauling in a minute...they manage to escape the crazies for the most part, until it's down to one of them. Prepare for an epic battle...Tim vs. Nameless-African Guy, ring the bell!

3 unadventurous minutes later...

African Guy's brains are in the water. Shame. Anyway, we still have the non-comical camera man to take care of. I hope he makes a few awful one liners before Gustave destroys him. While wallowing knee deep in the swamp, Steven goes face-to-face with Gustave, and hauls ass in the opposite direction. Let me tell you...this croc makes Devin Hester look slow. The 1000 pound beast with small arms can run 30 mph. My ass...something that large, with such little legs, could NOT run that fast. Steven's death scene is odd, too...instead of seeing a terrible CGI effect of him getting chomped, we see the a final shot of him running from Gustave...then a fade to white. It almost seems as if the movie wants us to believe he is still alive...I really don't get it; probably just more terrible editing and cinematography.

We return with Tim, Aviva, and Jo-Jo: our only remaining survivors. Harry, who was a main component in setting this entire trip up, arrives conveniently and pretends to help the 3. However, his true desire is to acquire the computer that shows his men slaughtering innocent people. They try to tell him that they don't have it...but he doesn't buy it. Right...they are hiding the laptop up their rectums. What computer could really survive this much abuse? It's probably floating in the Nile, by now. Idiots. Anyway, Tim tricks Harry into believing that the GPS device that tracks Gustave is really a GPA device that tracks the computer. Harry is a real moron, like the computer is even that vital. Besides, what exactly is Tim's plan? Lead them all to Gustave so he can get eaten? How does this make sense in any real word concept!? Did the writers even pay attention?


A dramatization of ShowTime blogging about Primeval

So the group wonder into a swamp with the rain pouring down. I'm sure that computer still works here...ugh. They search all the way back until they locate a bone pit; presumably Gustave's meals. Tim finds a knife, and kills the henchman. Aviva then splashes Harry with the liquid bait that was used early to distract Gustave. Tim and Aviva run away, but don't quite escape. Harry puts 2 bullets into Tim's legs and then approaches for the kill but, in the name of plot-convenience, runs outta ammo. Still, it looks bleak for our heroes(?), that is until Gustave makes his presence known. Naturally, he goes after Harry because of the bait that he is lathered in. Gustave catches him and makes him dinner part 2.

Tim and Aviva take this time to run out of the swamp and back into the vehicle that they rode here in. Gustave, however, is still hungry. Yeah...throughout the movie he's stopped after eating one victim; I guess he just really hates these two pricks...can't say I blame him. He attacks the car, but Tim fights him off with a small, sharp stick and then drives away. That's it? That's the end of the movie...excuse me, I'm gonna go throw my computer out the window.


This is it...the bottom of the barrel when it comes to horror movies. Forget flicks like Friday the 13th: Jason takes Manhattan. This is worse because it lied to us. Not only did it lie...it lied, then sucked beyond measurable proportions. Let's list some of the reasons this movie blows:

-The camera work is terrible. I mean...it's so jumpy it'll give you a headache.
-The CGI in this movie is a damn joke.
-I never once cared about any of these characters...I really couldn't have been more disconnected.
-There was a plot?

You know what...you get the picture. If I start naming off reasons, we'll be here all night. This movie lied about being a "serial killer" movie, and ended up being a movie that tried to make me sympathise with African struggles, via a mythical crocodile. And about Gustave, the entire movie they talk like it's an actual person. I don't care how smart it is for an animal, it doesn't have human tendencies; which is something the dialogue between the cast seems to indicate. Oh...and why would anyone be so concerned about what's on a camera? The U.N. isn't going to a damn thing about it...they still don't care about Darfur! Instead of focusing on the croc, the movie narrows about some side story line.

Oh...and before I forget, the Croc Counter.
Up from 19 SECONDS of actually being in the movie, Gustav finishes off with about 10 full minutes of being apart of the movie. That rounds out to be about 10% of the entire movie. A movie about a killer crocodile only features the beast for 10% of the movie. Guys...the numbers don't lie. This movie sucks. Roll the credits...I'm done.

Summer Time Movie Rants 2: Star Trek

I'm no Trekkie. I've never been a follower of the Star Trek series. I've seen a few of the episodes, but aside from that, and two movies (Nemisis and Wrath of Khan). So going into the new Summer blockbuster film, Star Trek, I was pretty much a noob to the cult phenomenom. And I must say...this movie completely blew my mind. I read a few reviews and thought it looked good...but I had no idea it was going to be as spectacular as it was. This movie was the epitimate definition of "epic" if there ever was one.

I'll be blunt, so not to waste your time, and for those who haven't seen it...I don't plan on telling any of the story because it is good-albeit generic. The movie opens up with a huge space battle...and a note to film directors: anytime you open up a movie with a space battle this big, your movie is going to be really good. Every scene draws you into the story and tells a relevant, and interesting, story about the USS Enterprise's future crew.

Oh...and a forewarning: during the movie, it is noted that these sequences take place in what is described as an "alternate time line." For the first time in history, Hollywood does not intend to rape your memories of a beloved thing.

The visuals of this movie look great. Of course most of it is just CGI, but I honestly felt that I was looking at something real. The only problem, I think, with the camera work in this movie is that damn lense flare that J.J. Abrams does in, almost, all of his stuff. It's nothing that takes away from the movie going experience, but in every fight scene it seems like the camera is pointing at the sun. Damn I'm picky...

Acting is "Spock" on. Get it? Ugh...sorry. Everything is "Star Trek." And by that, I mean all the acting is over the top. Spock always talks it that emotion-less dialect that he is known for. Dr. Lenord McCoy and "Scotty" are both so corny and hammy that it becomes just awesome. My favorite two lines of the movie happen to be "Dammn it, man...!" and "I'm givin' 'er all she's got, Cap'n!" Even non-Trek fans like me can appriciate the greatness in those lines...really good crowd pleasers. Again, the acting is exactly what one would want from Star Trek.

Although the story is really just saving the world, and nothing more...that's not the reason to see the movie. Even if you've never heard of Star Trek, get up from under that rock and go out to see this movie, NOW! It's that good...and well worth the overprice of admission. I don't know if this will end up being the best movie of the season, but it is the first great one. Set your phasors to "Stunning!"

Live long and prosper, my friends.

Old Time Movie Rants: Doom

Show of hands, who's played the video game Doom? For those losers who haven't, let's recap:

Doom 1, 2 (Titled, Hell on Earth), and 3 are all first person shooters in which the player (that's you) takes control of a marine and goes about destroying a plethora of demons from hell...all taking part on Mars. That's it. I mean, you can figure out more of a "plot" by progressing through the game, but who cares? Aim, shoot, kill, reload, repeat; that's it. And it is considered one of the most successful games of all time. See? Us video gamers aren't that complicated.

So in 2005, just after the release of the PC's Doom 3, Universal Pictures put out a movie to follow the video game series titled Doom. Now....would you like to know what it's about?

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT IT'S ABOUT!

Because this movie stars The Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Yeah, he plays the roll of "Sarge." I bet we're in for a breakout performance. But, that's ok. Because action movies like this are allowed to be campy. I'll let it slide, unless it happens to get too painful. So instead of complaining about who's in the movie...let's talk about what the movie's about.

But before I start...do you know what's wrong with this movie? I'll give you 10 seconds to guess...

Time's up. The problem: There's a plot. How can DOOM have a plot? Doom isn't supposed to have a plot. It's supposed to be mindless and destructive. A guilty pleasure movie...think, First Blood/Rambo movies. They actually have the right idea when this movie starts...it opens up with a bunch of scientists running for their lives, one of them getting their arm cut off, then the lone escapee calling for help. Next scene, we're in a marine locker room, where Rocky is getting orders from his commander, while the other marines line up for the opening roll call.

Perfect. Now get to the hell demons. It doesn't even have to be in first person (although, the movie previews do note that there will be a FP scene). Oh...sorry, first I need to introduce you to the cannon fodder....err...characters. In what be the MOST cliche set of names ever to appear in a movie, John Grimm aka "Reaper," Goat (Greatest Of All Time?), Duke (Blue Devils?), Portman (Vince has no joke for this name), "The Kid," and "Destroyer." That's their names...I'm not kidding. But you know what...it's better than the name given to you in the video game Doom (the joke there is that you play as a nameless character). So, to be honest, it works. So far...the cliche aspect is drawing me in...I'm hooked. What's next, movie?

Well, what's next is that the movie wastes no time telling you the story about us silly Earthlings who found a warp to Mars, called the Arc, and some fossils of the civilization that created it-but we don't know what happened to them! I know what you're thinking, "How can there be a civilization from hell?" This is the first clue to the audience that the menace is, in fact, not hell demons

Please God no...stop trying to formulate a plot.

Still holding out hope that the devil will burst through the walls of this Mars science facility and crush all of them, the Marines are given order to eliminate the threat and retrieve the super-secret data. Convenient enough, John Grimm's sister, Samantha, is a scientist here and has been given the duty to download the data. Still no sign of a fully developed plot...so we're in the clear for now.



Please, oh Prince of Darkness...be in this movie and layeth the smackdown on these jabronis!

On the Marines go into the heart of the facility to take on anything that comes their way. They all make their way to the proverbial "safe room" where the marines split off to search the premise, while Reaper and his sister bicker over the re-opened dig that, apparently, claimed their parent's lives while they were young. Samantha shows off the prize possession, a bunch of humanoid bones, that apparently have a 24th chromosome. This supposedly made her Super-Human. Great...is anyone getting the hint that Resident Evil and Alien had a love child, and this was it? Fuck this is going to be painful...

The Great One leads his diligent crew around until he stumbles upon an extremely fast shadow who makes the marines give chase. The Shadow turns out to be the guy that called for help at the beginning of the movie, Dr. Carmack. And he looks like shit. The dude is so scared out of his mind, he rips off his own ear and is carrying around the lady's arm who was ripped off early. I guess the Devil started to sing.


The movie then shows Portman screwing around with the Kid, freaking him out so much that the young rookie needs some drugs to get through it. Why would the marines, knowing they are going on a mission this dangerous, take someone that could become a detriment to the squad? Why don't movies like this make sense? Next to develop a trait we don't care about it, Goat, who gets scared and says, "God damn it." He then proceeds to cut a cross into his wrists. 10 bucks say that neither of these aspects have any relevance to the plot that shouldn't be in the movie.

The confused crew carries Carmack's sorry carcass to the proverbial safe room to examine him. Carmack begins to freak out and mumble inaudibles in what might be the worst filmed scene of all time. He doesn't look like a man that is slowly being corrupted, genetically, by a synthetic chromosome. No....he looks more like an old guy who just saw Megan Fox naked.

Side rant...This is where the audience gets the first look at the movie's token "stupidest future invention:" the nano door. The nano door is the most ill conceived way to enter or exit a room this side of the spinning door; except much less fun. With a simple code input, then pressing of a large button...the user will liquify or solidify the pathway to the door. Do you realize how unbelievably stupid that is? In a science lab where anyone could walk through it and accidentally be caught while it was being closed? Ugh...moving on.

Reaper and Goat are off and about in a animal testing area where they get a few cheap scares thrown at the audience, before a rat-eating doctor charges the 2 and promptly gets the business end of those assault rifles. Not to be outdone, Destroyer and Sarge Rock get spooked by sounds coming from a vent...acting like a trained killer, Destroyer investigates, gets scared like a little bitch, and destroys the creature with his chain gun. What was the terror? A monkey. Truly these are the finest men for the job! But wait, Sarge notices that the blood dripping from the vent is already clotted. Oh god...I'm thinking the directors never played the video game. Hell demons do not zombies make, damn it!

Before you can even react to the idiocy going on, Reaper and Goat, once again, give chase to another rabid doctor. It's doctors gone wild! They blindly chase and shoot after like they were trained to do, I'm sure. And track it into a sewer. Is it ironic that the marines are going to be wallowing knee deep in the movie? Of course, keeping up with it's ratio of minutes of footage outside of safe room, and minutes of footage inside, even at 1:1, we find out that somehow the dead Dr. Carmack revived and disappeared. How did he disappear...there's only one way out?! Never mind...I'm sure this won't come back to haunt them. Back in the sewer, the mutated doctor stalks the crew, until it gets a hold of Goat. FINISH HIM...by sticking your tongue penis in his jugular vein? "See, audience? We're not a rip off from Resident Evil, our non-zombie creatures don't bite!"

More inconsistent shooting later at the safe room...Dr. Mutant Carmack attacks Duke and Samantha, but plot-conveniently, they capture him in the nano door. I guess it isn't the only way to get in or out of the room, because the rest of the crew takes the dying Goat to the safe room and, somehow, misses the creature's carcass frozen in the doorway. Goat dies and Carmack is shot in the head. Good...we're thinning down the crew faster than in a Friday the 13th flick. The faster they die...the faster I'm free.

The Marines decide it's a great idea to get the fuck out of there...so that's what they do. But not before Samantha has the most random scientific breakthrough ever. She discovers that the monsters are actually selecting whom they penetrate with their tongue penises. That C24 (Chromosome 24) will corrupt those with malice genetically coded in them, and give those with good genetically coded in them super human capabilities.

Sarge gives the order to set the Mars station to self destruct, then get through the arc. Once back on Earth, shoot anything that is still alive so the threat isn't released out into the rest of the world. I agree....kill them all, then yourself. Please roll the credits. Of course, Sarge goes on a killing rampage, ignoring the warning from the Siblings Grimm that not everybody is infected with RE:Clone24. In about 3 seconds, Sarge goes from main character...to antagonist. Nice character development, movie. The Kid has a conscious, and the Rock quickly checks him into the smackdown hotel via a bullet through the frontal lobe. Uh oh...I bet this isn't foreshadowing what kind of chromosomes he has. Then out of fucking no where, a huge horde of TOTALLY non-zombies rage at the crew. They get chased behind a nano door, Sarge hits the button and the highly expensive military equipment breaks like it was Triple H's glass jaw. Naturally, the nano door doesn't close immediately (I told you it was fucking stupid) and still allows the non-zombie hands to grab the Sarge's ankles...and...drag...him...wait, is the movie actually taking a chance by killing off the Rock before the resolution?! Wow! Of course, this feeling of victory is shortly lived, because the movie ruins it by having the Rock proclaim, "I'm not supposed to die." Thanks movie...taint licker.

Reaper, who got hit by a ricochet bullet, is bleeding out which would leave Samantha to fend for herself. But, of course, she has a great idea. She injects him with C24, announcing that she knows he won't turn into a mutated creature. Yeah right. C24 for some reason knocks out Reaper for about 30 random seconds...which is just long enough for Samantha to scurry off and get into some shit. But, whoa...here we go! Reaper gets up and we are now in First Person Mode, baby! It's like playing a game...but a movie. It's like the Full Motion Video fad all over again! Reaper kills everything in sight...which turns out to be a pretty cool effect, before he meets up with the now infected, but not yet mutated, Sarge. Play the final showdown music, ring the bell, this is about to be a slobber knocker. And by slobber knocker, I mean one of the more boring last fight scenes ever. The two exchange wire fighting maneuver blows before Reaper gets the upper hand, opens the Arc, and sends the Sarge through. The finishing move? He throws a grenade through the warp and it blows the Sarge up. Kinda anti-climatic for what is supposed to be 2 super human...zombie...mutant things. Samantha is carried out by Reaper in the most insensuous of ways and the credits roll...we're finally done.


Doom was failed from the start. The exact second that it was noted it would not be hell demons, but infected Resident Evil zombie knock offs, the movie was doomed (excuse the pun) from the start. There should have been NO story, besides killing hell demons...then shoving a grenade up Satan's ass. That's it. Instead they go with this overly complicated, but somehow still mundane, story about extra chromosomes and mutations. It's not even that the plot doesn't make sense....it's that the plot is stupid. They aren't supposed to be zombies! They are supposed to be demons who shoot fire balls. And why was the first person moment so emphasized? It only lasted about 2 minutes, and it wasn't all that good. I know they couldn't have done an entire movie that way, but maybe emphasise it a little more if it's your selling point. Doom is boring...sluggish...and down right annoying to watch. A better way to spend your time: Play the superior video games. Do it...NOW.