Have you ever heard of the film director Uwe Boll (Pronounced: "Oovee Bowl")? He is, by far, the greatest, most superior director and producer to ever create a movie. Check out his IMBd and click on a few of his creations then sit back and gaze in awe at the high praise all give Dr. Uwe Boll. Uwe is known for taking well known video game franchises such as the classic and, most original survival horror game, Alone in the dark, Postal, Far Cry, and a movie based off of a light gun arcade shooter (ported multiple times to the consoles) House of the dead. If you've never played House of the dead it's a simplistic game that was a smash hit in the arcades, you would use a gun to point and shoot at zombies. Simple. There isn't a plot...just kill everything that moves. Even when it was ported to the Dreamcast or the Wii, it was still just annihilate everything that moves. So how does one make a movie based off of this game? I'm not so sure you can...uhh...I mean, Uwe Boll can! Let's take a look at 2003's greatest movie...House of the dead.
The flick begins with some guy telling us that a bunch of people got killed and he regrets ever coming to...this location. Then the most epic of opening sequences rolls: gameplay footage of House of the dead, with 5 different ugly image filters on it, to the sound of techno music. It's like a techno negative rave party...I dig it! The douche bag...err...narrator character, Rudy, introduces all of his bland and generic friends. I love how the movie does this, by stopping time and going in grey scale. Yeah it's ridiculous, but it works because character development is given in the form of adolescent and cliche attributes. Genius. Our character list (read: fodder list) is as followed: Rudy, Simon (rich idiot), Cynthia (stuck up skank), Karma (token black main character...with tits), and Alicia (the friendly dumb skanky broad). These intrepid youngsters have a date with a rave on a desolate island to get to, but missed their boat. What a shame...luckily, Uwe enlists Captain Kirk in the movie!
Ehhh...no, not this guy.
This Capt. Kirk who doesn't like Star Trek jokes. Duly noted...say, is your first mate Spock? Anyway, Simon desperately wants to make this party, so he makes it rain on the Cap'n and persuades him to travel to this island that, apparently, he is weary of. Phew...I was afraid the movie wouldn't be able to continue.
The audience is then gives a sneak peek of what the rave is like. And let me tell you...it's the best 20 person, daytime island party this side of any given weekend at Bernie's. At first, this scene appears to be completely irrelevant, but then I realized the hidden genius - you have to look closely, but a very important plot device that will be a reoccurring factor shows up at the 4:38 mark. Now...play along and guess what that is:
A) A sacred object
B) The DJ's booth
C) Booze
D) BOOBS!
If you answered "A," you're in the wrong movie, pal. "D" is the correct answer!
A healthy part of any movie's story!
Anyway, after the epic bewbage, we follow along with a couple who's names...I don't know. But what I do know is that they are important to the story, because they slither off to the beach and plan on getting horizontal. In fact, it's the 2nd pair of boobs in these many minutes! Uwe has done it again...he's a, dare I say, genius! The female wants to get down in the dirty, cold water, but the guy doesn't dig water sex and decides to let her swim by himself, while he enjoys his beer...with his pants still around some ankles. Dude...for the sake of my eyes, put your pants on. So the woman swims for a while, but realizes she might get the swine flue, or some junk like that, and decides to get out of the water. Unfortunately for her, the guy passed out and was silently carried away somewhere. Damn...they must be drinking bottles of Ever Clear. Regardless, she follows a path into the woods until she discovers a run down house. I wonder if this is a dead house? She wonders on in, only to be greeted by a slew of zombies who devour her. Delightful. She should have remembered, however, that if you show your boobs...there's a 98% chance of death. Too bad...oh well, at least this entire sequence wasn't completely irrelevant.
As the camera travels over the water back to the boat, we are treated to random snippets of the video game footage. Normally I would call this unnecessary, absurd, and just plane stupid. But it's Uwe...so here, it really works. I mean, wouldn't it be great if in the middle of my blogging I just
put random cuts of
a
game? I know...awesome, right? Anyway, they arrive to the party a tad late because shit has hit the fan...well, it would have, had these characters not been as dense as a London fog. Seriously, the entire party location is empty, ruined, and there are bloody clothes laying around. Ugh...this is beginning to make teen movies look respectable. I'm sorry...what I meant to say was, "These characters are very smart to avoid being concerned about the clearly dangerous situation. Thank God their acting is so damn good, too. Perfect casting." Because the plot says they have to be curious, Simon, Alicia, and Karma decide to investigate around the clearly abandoned island. Greg and Cynthia, however, decide they want to stay around and have awkward and unfulfilled sex. As they hide away to scrump, Greg shows his true romantic colors and decides he has to take a piss. Nice...so while he's squeezing the lemon, Cynthia promptly gets attacked by a horde of zombies. I'm so convinced and entertained, this Cynthia is a terrific actress...she's going places! Oh well...I guess Greg wasn't man enough to handle her.
Back with the other 3 intrepid youngsters have found their way to the clearly safe mansion. Wouldn't you enter a creepy ass mansion with no real reason other than pointless curiosity? Isn't that the most rational human reaction? I'm figuring out that Karma is the only insane one here, because she doesn't think it's too smart to enter the building. It looks COMPLETELY safe! It turns out the house IS safe, because Rudy, Liberty (An Asian chick dressed in a tight, American flag themed, spandex attire...no joke), and some other shmucks that are bound to become zombie-chow. Ugh...there's way too many groups of people here. Rudy 'n friends explain to the first 3 set of dolts...uh...heroes that these are, in fact, honest to God zombies. Breaking news...sun to rise in East, more at 11. One of them even states that these are, "The reanimated dead...like right out of a Romero movie." Uwe actually had the GULL to reference the zombie-master? As if his work can even hold Romero's jock? Sorry...sorry...Uwe is a genius, and George A. Romero would be lucky if Boll even shows zombies in a movie, let alone drop his name. Hack. The entire group decides that they need to get the fuck outta Dodge, so they go back to the party spot to meet up with Simon and Cynthia to get back on the boat and leave.
The group begins to make it's way back to the party spot, when they begin discussing meaningless aspects of their lives. This is to try and connect the audience with the characters. Don't you feel attracted to them? Don't you not wish them to have their brains sucked through their nose, heads bashed in, and their intestines eaten like fresh spaghetti? Me too. Unfortunately for them, zombies begin circling their location and, let me tell you, these zombies must have been track stars in their previous life because they are incendiary.
Isn't putting these cut shots into the movie AND rant a great idea? Uwe is a genius!
Finally, they make it back to the hot spot. Time to party? Time to show more tits? No...the plot is getting in the way. Oh...by the way, Alicia is difficult to convince, because she doesn't believe that this zombie thing is legit. Don't you feel that suspense, too? I sure do. They spot a capsized port-o-potty and a commotion from within. But it's just Simon, he got trapped inside after it fell over. Huh...so now he's covered in shit. Perfect analogy of this movie, you say? How dare you speaketh ill of this magnum opuses! Smiteth this reader, oh Uwe-One! Well, of course this was an anti-climax that seems generic, but it's not...because it's this movie and that makes it ok. Suddenly, a now zombie-fied Cynthia jumps out of no where and completely snaps some poor sap's neck. I mean...she spins his head around 180 degrees and kills him. I'm so convinced...even her makeup, which is seemingly just a streak of ketchup down her face and a slightly ripped shirt, works. I mean...zombies don't eat EVERYTHING they see, right? Just before this demoness can strike again, Officer Casper arrives and shoots Cynthia down. Casper was the one that followed Kirk to the island to confront him...thank God for her and her high powered rifle.
Speaking of Capt. Kirk, we meet back with him aboard his ship, the S.S. Minnow Johnson. He is beginning to get attacked by zombies, but have no fear, for he is Captain James T. Kirk...uhh...except for the "James T." part...and he will destroy any adversary that dares to screw with the Federation Starfleet! Are heroes are also making their way to the ship...but OH NOES...the zombies are in hot pursuit. Hit the lame techno music, it's action time! The crew locates the boat, but to their dismay, find out that is under attack from the zombies. Simon, being the rock stupid cretin that he is (it's ok...'cuz he's handsome), jumps into the water to try and get on the boat. That's right...he even ignores the yells of all the people and STILL dives into the infested waters. Maybe the techno music is too loud. Notice use of zombie intelligence; instead of mindlessly devouring the people, they attempt to drown and beat them up. Kirk ends up getting bit...I guess he encountered the only instinctual zombie. Oh...and Simon gets vomited on by zombie-acid and now is permanently ugly. Oh well...at least he's got his brains...oh wait. Oh yeah...and another revelation, Alicia is now a firm believe and, in fact, tries to convince others that these are zombies. Well no shit, sweetheart, did you just figure that out?
"Dumb these characters are, genius this is not"
Don't listen to Yoda, guys, he doesn't know what he's talking about. He wouldn't know what a good movie was if it Obied in his Kenobi. Before we move on with the story, Kirk weaves a tale of a very mean Spaniard who murdered a ship and practices devil-worshiping stuff. Island De La Muerte is a bad place guys...can't you tell? Oh...by the way, I heard Hitler was a jerk.
So Greg is recruited by Casper to go...uhh..wait, guys, the boat is right there. Get off the island? What the hell are you doing?
Usually plot holes are bad...but it's a Uwe Boll movie, so it's ok.
Well, not leaving turns out bad for ol' Greg because he gets killed off after a chase scene. I should also mention that this is where we get the all new "Game over" for the character scene. It will show the character, with a rotating camera, then fade to red. Why not go all the way, Uwe? Why not just put a big, red, bloody, "Game Over" text on the fucking screen...calm down. It's a video game movie, right? It fits...in fact, when I end up going to that big blog in the sky, I hope my death scene is similar. Casper eventually reunites with the remaining survivors...seriously, movie, why did Greg and Casper run off? What the fuck was the point? Ignoring the rising anger, apparently Kirk was smuggling, I'm not kidding, cigars and guns so he has some readily available. So he was smuggling illegally gained goods...to an island that is only inhabited by zombies? Yeah...good plan. The epic music starts up, the montage of equipping begins, I guess we're off to fight zombies for...whatever reason. I'm just sayin'...there's a boat right there. I'll leave it alone.
I guess the plan is that they are going to head back to the house of the dead an bunker themselves in until...uhh...they feel like leaving, I guess. Oh well...action scene go! (By the way, there are way too many shots of the video game put in here, so I won't put one in every time it appears [You're devastated...I Know]). During the sequence, the characters are shooting away, when randomly the movie will show us one individual character, as if he/she was standing on a rotating platform, shooting in slow motion. Uwe just ripped off The Matrix and cars in model show rooms all in one shot...G-E-N-I-U-S. It's THAT cool. And if you were wondering why in some of these shot's (Alicia's, for example), the character is using a shot gun but then randomly it changes to a handgun...shut the hell up. This music is great, too...it's a painfully off key punk rock diddy that punctures your ear drums. But it works...because it fits with the dizzying and vertigo-inducing camera work. I love this...excuse me, I'm getting motion sickness watching the scene.
Well, Liberty ends up becoming a casualty...that is after a countless amount of mindless shooting. As Rudy watches his mail order bride get devoured (No, I don't know why all of them just watched her get eaten), the movie shows us a rapid flashback of everything that has happened up until this point, and then Liberty's game over screen. Did Uwe even go to film school? No...because he's a genius, and genius film makers don't go to school. After minutes of standing at the door with their dicks in their hands, Rudy discovers a window that they can use to get in. Too bad Casper get's her lower half cut off as she climbs through...even worse? No game over screen...shame.
I must commend this movie, it went from balls-to-the-wall action, to a screeching halt. Now we see the few couples make out. It's such a serene mood now...and how fitting. 'Cept for Kirk...he's not looking so good. I'm thinkin' he's gonna turn zombie soon...but don't quote me. The 4 remaining, Rudy, Simon, Karma, and Alicia, decide they best go search the house more and find a better way to fortify themselves. They stumble upon a sloppy SCIENCE lab that is, obviously, the place that is used to make the zombies. Interesting...really. I'm more interested in Kirk, who hears his once first mate whistling outside. Like every thing else in this movie, he completely breaks character and irrationally goes outside to take a look. Well...Uwe makes up for this and has Kirk blow himself up because he knows he's gonna die. How admirable. Shame it's wasted, since he also blows a hole through the front of the house. Thank, Kirk...just let the zombies waltz in. I mean...it's not like the survivors are trying to, you know, survive. "Knock, knock. Who's there? GENIUS!"
Naturally, the 4 remaining flee to the basement once more to barricade themselves from the incoming horde. Being the nosey bitch that she is, Alicia discovers a fish tank that is full of red Koolaid that has a giant, evil sperm swimming in it. Being the idiot broad that she is, Karma promptly shoots the fish tank, letting all the Koolaid (blood) spill out. Turns out, this is a mutated blood that brings the zombies back to life (more on that later). Ooo..side note, this seems like a great time to mention that Alicia is wearing no bra of any kind, and the rest of the movie has her doing a bunch of slow-mo jumps and running. PLOT RELEVANCE!
After locking themselves in a much smaller room, they find a door that leads to a catacombs. Problem is, the zombies are breaking through their barricaded door, Simon realizes his friends can't escape without a diversion. So he sacrifices himself and blows up some gun powder so the others can flee. I'm disappointed...he, too, gets no game over screen. So Rudy, Alicia, and Karma make their way through the catacombs, fighting off a few more zombies when, once again, they find themselves trapped. Karma decides she needs to sacrifice herself, so she fights off a few zombies and them gets eaten. That's nice...thanks for being so self-less, but there's still zombies left. Well...end of the movie I guess. Phew...this fucking atrocity was starting to get painf...what do you mean Greg comes back to help them? What shit is that? Ugh...ok, so Greg comes back and helps Rudy and Alicia from the remaining brain eaters, he then leads them to some other room.
Well, turns out that Greg isn't alive...it happens to be Evil Spaniard guy. Here, we learn that he developed some mutation in blood that keeps him alive forever AND rasise the dead. Rudy and Alicia are seemingly done for, but Rudy makes a daring escape and tosses a gernade to divert attention away from their escape. They find the exit and feel they are home free.
OR ARE THEY!? Of course not...by the way, it was night just 10 minutes ago and now it's daylight. Ugh...
NO! Evil Spaniard is still alive and chases them, insuing in yet, another, fight. The camera spinning, the overuse of slow-mo, the techno music, at this point in time it's SO not wearing on my last fucking nerves. Alicia ends up getting impaled (right in the boobs, no less) and that puts Rudy into a Hulk-like rage and he slices the beasts head off. BUT OH NO! Fuck me he's still alive...that is, until Alicia stomps a mudhole on his dome and finally kills him. Thank fucking Lord...oh...and by the magic of plot convinience a helicopter arrives. Little fucking late, don't you think? How the hell do you know anyone was here? AHHHHH...following a nonsensical, ambiguous soliloquy, the credits finall roll.
I'm FREE! AND I'VE HAD ENOUGH!
For Christ's sake...no amount of German funding is woth this. How do you screw up a zombie flick? It's re-animated corpses, Uwe, not that fucking difficult. And yet, not only did the story draw anybody in...the elements didn't make a lick of sense. You'd be fortunate if George A. Romero simply cursed your existence...'cuz it'd be the closest to talent you've ever been.
Not only does he rip off good movies with little shame, he tries to input video game elements in a movie. As if I need screen shots of a game to drive the plot. Lame game over screens that don't even occur for every character. Slow motion for every shot fired. Uwe...re-animated dead, gore, boobs, repeat. That's all you need, and yet you fucked it up with a lame story that tries to be overly dramatic and ends up drowning on its own liquid bull shit.
There isn't an action sequence that doesn't make my ears bleed, and my head explode. Really...why the use of slow motion for no real purposese? When I mentioned the "action cam" I think the best analogy is a car on a show room floor on a rotating platform. It's so ridiculous that I can barely believe it's in the movie. But then again, it's the same movie that put shots of the actual game in between movie for unbenounced reasons. I guess I get it: it's a movie off of a video game, so why not put a clip of the game in the movie? Problem is...aside from being a dumb idea...you can't use it as a transition OR a tool to advance the direction, as Uwe does multiple times. Oh...and the damn game over screens...actually, it might be the best idea the movie has. But the way it tries to pull it off is just lame. Even when he has a good idea, Uwe knows how to drive it into the ground.
And the story...oh the pain. Forget about continuity, just try not to fall in the holes left by the plot. It's a movie based off a game that's only purpose is to have the player point at the screen and click. That's it. So it's not as if I'm expecting an epic here, guys, I'm only looking for quality effort. No where in this movie is that evident. Why did they NOT board that boat after reaching it? They fought off the zombis, and then for no reason, Greg and Caspser go off. What happens? Greg gets killed and they accomplish NOTHING. It's pathetic. I guess I'd have more to complain about if there actually was a solid plot...there isn't. My other complaint would have to be that there is really no destination or goal for the characters. Why did they go back to the house? To hide out? Ok...but what was there plan? They had no idea that 6 government officials would arrive the next day. And speaking of that...at the end of the movie, a helicopter arrives and it contains 4 armed guys and a random Suit. It's already been established that it'll take more than that kind of fire power to take out all these zombies. Screw it.
Lastly, the characters. You know...the characters don't differ from eachother at all. Rudy is a bland dope who's only purpose is to have a monologue at the beginning, and end, of the movie. Alicia is there because she is busty and agreed to wear a low cut shirt. Karma was the only black chick available to do the movie. Greg was, also, a dull, bland douche bag. Kirk was ambiguous and Casper might as well been an actual ghost. Cynthia was there because they needed a good dick sucker to become a zombie...don't we all? Really, the most in depth character is Simon. Think about it, the arrogant idiot happens to be the most intriguing character. But even so, Uwe could have just had 7 blonde chicks and have them just act generically and it would have been superior then what was in this movie. If you don't get what I'm saying...I'll rephrase: Uwe Boll screwed up the slasher flick, teen movie character architect that was established since the beginning of the horror genre. That is not just inexcusable...it's just laughably bad.
I hope Uwe is burned at the stake, using Guinness and David Hasslehoff CDs as kindling. I hate this movie...and I can't take a second more.
Having said that...go watch it. You need to sit through this movie. Not only so you suffer just as much as I, but to also realize what the bottom of the barrell looks like in film making. Why critics are born. And why I'm the bitter son of bitch I've become. Find this movie and watch it. I fucking dare you. As for me...the credits have rolled, I'm counting my dirty German money, and I just can't take it anymore.
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