Chronicling of a Nintendo Head

Nintendo Head ain't dead...

2009-11-16T19:54:00.001-08:00

Music Endurance: How long can you last Pt. 1

2009-08-19T14:21:00.000-07:00

Possibly a new segment I'll be trying out...we'll see. I find awful song off Youtube, you suffer, cry, and laugh your way through it. I got to the part where they scream at the girl. Oh...and notice how he pours out his 40; clearly an allusion to how the music industry has DIED! 20 bucks says this is on MTV in a week...ready? GO!

Showtime Sports: Eagles have signed...fucking Mike Vick. And...evaluating the 1st preseason game.

2009-08-13T18:19:00.000-07:00

Before I address the giant elephant in the room, I'm actually gonna talk about my thoughts and feelings on the 1st preseason game for the Eagles in 2009 against the New England Patriots. I'm really gonna focus on the 1st team offense, but since Maclin did end up playing into the 2nd half, I'll mention him too, of course.

Let's start off with the most important position, Quarter Back. Donovan McNabb started off slow...going 1 for 4 with only 10 yards. After the first series, he really seemed to heat up and put passes right on the target. I noticed he was floating a few passes to Maclin and Curtis, especially. That comes down to just better timing and a better pocket to throw in. He was really moving around nicely, breaking tackles and tossing lasers into his receiver's chests. Overall, the 10 year vet looked solid, ending 11 for 18, 103 yard game.

The biggest problem with McNabb's game, I don't think, was McNabb's game at all...the offensive line looked anxious. The big off season pick up, Jason Peters, is going to get a lot of flack and is gonna have to do a bunch of sprints this week; and deceivingly so. He got beat for 2 sacks and just looked slow getting out of his stance and turning his hips. Peters didn't look awful, but he needs to be able to get up and out of his stance much quicker; putting Donovan in a situation in which he always needs to run is not good. Maybe playing the Pats had Peters channeling his inner Buffalo Bill. Actually, the tackles and center looked weak. Too much outside pressure and line backers getting right up the middle. I think Stacy Andrews was the best of the starting offensive linemen. He played just as well as you can expect and I really didn't think he made a mistake.

Wide receiver and running back were the two biggest position surprises in the game. The rookie McCoy looked stunning. He was like a second coming of Westbrook...whether it was splitting the hole and finding daylight, picking up a block, or catching passes, he was simply outstanding; 10 carries for 55 yards and 2 catches for 12 yards. While the receiving core has been criticized over recent years, Maclin and Jackson looked like a devastatingly dangerous duo. Both were flying around the field, catching whatever came their way. Jackson only had a catch for 9 yards...but 2 for 44 AND 6 returns for a total of 144 yards. Wow.

I was pleased with the defense. Not overly excited...but pleased. The secondary looked just as quick as last year...no complaints about them. Line backing was also a position I was happy with. Against that spread offense of the Pats, it's difficult for a LB to keep up; the Eagles' did admirably. But what I liked the most was how all of them, including Joe Mays (Bradley's replacement), was how they flew around and got to the ball. I was extremely impressed with that. What did not impress me, however, was the defensive line. Brady has a good o-line to protect him, but that line couldn't even get a hand on Brady. They, too, did a good job playing the run, but need to greatly work on their pass rushing skills and get back to last year's level.

Overall, the team played well. But the biggest x-factor of the game, I think, was how the 2nd string players played. They came into the game down 15 and played their asses off. I mean, this might have been the best preseason game I've ever seen. I'm not sure how much that actually means...but it's great for the team. The first unit looked good, but not very energized. On top of Andy's fired up performance, the 2nd and 3rd unit's performance, and the fact that the 1st team is going to get an ass whooping during practice this week...I really was pleased with the 1st game. As I said from the beginning, if the players in the trenches play well...this can be one of the top tier teams in the league; they have the talent, experience, and coaching to do it.

Now...ugh...for him.

My thoughts on Vick are simple, and I'm not going into great detail about them. I was never a big fan of Vick...as a football player. He is a bum QB, and made a living getting hyped up by ESPN for making cool looking highlights. I don't understand the signing at all...McNabb is twice the QB Vick will ever be, and AJ Feely is a better back up option. That only leads me to believe that Vick will be used in a "Slash" role. But why would the Eagles want another fast WR? For that matter, why would they want another elusive RB? In my mind, it just doesn't fit. "Vince...THE WILDCAT!" Fuck that. Not only is it a worthless gimmick, Andy Reid thinks that a Flea Flicker and a Reverse play are really exotic and different. You really think Reid is gonna run a Wildcat offense? Well...I guess that's now open for discussion. Hell...I never thought Vick would ever be an Eagle. Still...in 5 I trust.

As for the "Anti-Vick" thing...I'm not getting into it. Honestly, I don't care. I do believe in animal rights, but it wasn't my dog and I'm not self-righteous enough to give a damn. He didn't kill a guy (Ray Lews, Lenord Little), so it's not like his existence is the bain of anyone's life. Really...I never cared if he ended up playing again. Note to PETA: if you show up at my stadium...save it, 'else I will bring the d-cells and Molotov cocktails for you. To summarize, I don't care that Vick is playing...I don't give a rat's ass what he's done. I just didn't want him on my team 'cuz I think he sucks. Got it? Good...this is the last time I will disuss Vick.

Playing with my Wii: Star Wars: The Force Unleashed

2009-08-12T19:52:00.000-07:00

I am pathetic. Completely pathetic. I have still yet to complete Resident Evil: 4 for my Wii, and still I decided that it was time to embark on a new quest. So I headed on over to the local GameStop and checked out their selection of games that would keep me entertained. What caught my eyes surprised even me...although I did fail to find the GameCube copy of the Sonic Mega Collection that had the Sonic CD game on it (damn it! If anyone ever finds it...buy it for me, ok?)…Star Wars’ latest embarkment in the video game world, The Force Unleashed.

I’ve heard and read the reviews for the game and they were mixed to negative reactions. Which surprised me because we love beat ‘em up games…throw in the fact that it’s Star Wars AND a wide array of incomprehensible force powers, how the hell could this NOT be a good game? Well, to the IGN, Gamespot, and other reviews, Nintendo Head would like to give you guys…2 middle fingers.

The game is about a young boy who is taken under the wing of Darth Vader as his secret apprentice. Vader plans on training him to become all powerful and have him aid in the overtaking of the Empire. It’s actually a really cool concept story, because it tells the small, beginning workings of the downfall of the Imperial Empire that eventually takes place in Return of the Jedi. Although the concept looks great on the storyboard, I am actually displeased with the way it unveils itself…but I’ll get into that later. First up, the most important thing about a game: how it plays, of course.

I bought this game for the soul purpose of having a game that is easy to pick up, play, and just have fun with. Certainly it delivers on those accounts. It is one of the faster paced action games I’ve ever played, and notably, one of the more fun. It starts you off with a basic tutorial mode that has the player controlling Vader; it’s just used to familiarize yourself with the control scheme, which is important, because it does take a level or two to completely get use to. Simply enough, swinging the Wiimote controls the light saber, A is a block and dash button, B is jump, Control Pad is used for the camera. The Nun Chuck is used for all the force attacks; C for lightning, and Z for force grab, swing the Wii’s waggle to do a force push. I mention the controls in detail so you can get an understanding that they are reasonably comfortable to use. The only complaint I have with the controls is when you attempt a Force Choke, because it does get uncomfortable at times (Hold Z and turn the Nun Chuck upside down…a little cramp-tastic, but thankfully not a move you’ll use a great deal). Overall, excellent control scheme.

Oh…and I should note that Gamespot called this “the most waggle-heavy" game on the Wii. And in a sense, he’s right. Everything you do is based off of moving the two controllers, however, don’t let that confuse you. The syntax used tends to lean towards the fact that it’s painful to use, which is a complete farce. The game requires little effort to pull off the attacks, and you can sit down and play for hours. Also, a website called Zero Punctuation said, "trying to follow an aerobics routine with both your arms tied to different windmills.” I guess they played this game using their feet, or maybe didn’t understand how to use it. But these guys are idiots…don’t believe their lies. And for those that feel this is too much like a “Hack and slash” game…you’re right. But what’s your point? So is God of War and we love that, right? Shut up and enjoy it, losers. With that out of the way…

The moves. Like in so many action games (Think, SpiderMan in this example), there is a combination of moves that can be used to bring upon a great deal of pain to your foes. Usually it tends to be something along the lines of, “LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT A B Y” and you always have to go back to the menu to remind yourself this impossible combination – only to be left disappointed when you can’t pull it off. Force Unleashed solves that. The simple few motions of the Wiimote, Nun Chuck, followed by a press of a button are two even had ME blasting Storm Troopers to kingdom come. If I can pull off these combos with ease, and little time spent on the move selection screen, so can you. ‘Cuz I r noob.

I feel like this is dragging, so let me get into the negatives about this game: the story and (of course) the graphics.

I’m no graphics whore, but I did expect more than this. I feel like I’m playing it on the PS2…it’s not a big deal in-game, but during the cut scenes it makes you wish for an HD system. Something to think about if you feel every game needs to look like a BluRay movie.

As for the story, although I can give credit to the good ideas they had…it comes off just laughably stupid. I haven’t played the other versions, but I’m willing to assume they are the same on the Wii. I won’t dive deep into the story line, but I will list off a few disappointing, or just rock stupid, elements. For example, I kind of got a Sonic Adventure 2-like letdown. The game tries to convince you that you have a choice to always control the destiny of your character, yet that never actually comes to fruition. In fact, it’s quite linear…character development is pre-determined, with the exclusion of the final chapter of the game that allows the player to make one of two choices; one being the canon ending, the other being an ending that would alter the Star Wars’ timeline. I just wish there was a bit more ingenuity to the decision making and path of the character.

The plot lines are…ugh…terrible. I feel as if the Jedi forces you will face completely break all the paradigms that have been set in place by the movies. Jedis are sometimes cocky, malevolent, self-destructive, and just plain non-sensical. List time…uhh…slight spoilers, I guess:

-Starkiller (your character) witnesses Darth Vader kill his father…yet has no problem becoming his virtual slave.
-Starkiller is easily persuaded, for he begins to drift from Vader for no real reason mid-game.
-Rahm Kota (a Jedi who is first a foe, then turned ally) is defeated by Starkiller in a space ship by getting tossed out the window. Aside from the fact that Starkiller wasn’t sucked into outer space due to the releasing pressure, Kota’s head would have exploded…yet he survives, only to have had bandages put over his eyes for no real reason. Continuity…thank you.
-Starkiller is also thrown out of a space ship window, by Vader, in an attempt to deceive the Emporer. He, too, magically survives.
-This isn’t a movie rant…so I’ll leave it at that, but amongst a few other things, the character rationalization and plot development is just…silly at times.

Didn’t buy it for the story, though, so frankly I don’t care too much about it. I strongly suggest you pick up this game for the Wii. It is not only a great time to be had, but a great bargain: you can pick this up NEW for under 20 bucks. Go out now and have fun with it…I promise you will.

Side note: There is a multiplayer game mode for the Wii I didn’t mention because, simply, I didn’t play it. I’m such a loser…I couldn’t find one person to play it with me, but apparently it is a duel mode that you fight against another opponent. Sounds basic…but if it works like that Light Saber Battles game the Wii has, it’ll be fun, too.

Movie Ranting 10: House of the Dead

2009-08-04T17:18:00.000-07:00

This rant is brought to you by...ZE GERMAN SUPERIOR MOVIE MAKER UWE BOLL!

Have you ever heard of the film director Uwe Boll (Pronounced: "Oovee Bowl")? He is, by far, the greatest, most superior director and producer to ever create a movie. Check out his IMBd and click on a few of his creations then sit back and gaze in awe at the high praise all give Dr. Uwe Boll. Uwe is known for taking well known video game franchises such as the classic and, most original survival horror game, Alone in the dark, Postal, Far Cry, and a movie based off of a light gun arcade shooter (ported multiple times to the consoles) House of the dead. If you've never played House of the dead it's a simplistic game that was a smash hit in the arcades, you would use a gun to point and shoot at zombies. Simple. There isn't a plot...just kill everything that moves. Even when it was ported to the Dreamcast or the Wii, it was still just annihilate everything that moves. So how does one make a movie based off of this game? I'm not so sure you can...uhh...I mean, Uwe Boll can! Let's take a look at 2003's greatest movie...House of the dead.

The flick begins with some guy telling us that a bunch of people got killed and he regrets ever coming to...this location. Then the most epic of opening sequences rolls: gameplay footage of House of the dead, with 5 different ugly image filters on it, to the sound of techno music. It's like a techno negative rave party...I dig it! The douche bag...err...narrator character, Rudy, introduces all of his bland and generic friends. I love how the movie does this, by stopping time and going in grey scale. Yeah it's ridiculous, but it works because character development is given in the form of adolescent and cliche attributes. Genius. Our character list (read: fodder list) is as followed: Rudy, Simon (rich idiot), Cynthia (stuck up skank), Karma (token black main character...with tits), and Alicia (the friendly dumb skanky broad). These intrepid youngsters have a date with a rave on a desolate island to get to, but missed their boat. What a shame...luckily, Uwe enlists Captain Kirk in the movie!

Ehhh...no, not this guy.

This Capt. Kirk who doesn't like Star Trek jokes. Duly noted...say, is your first mate Spock? Anyway, Simon desperately wants to make this party, so he makes it rain on the Cap'n and persuades him to travel to this island that, apparently, he is weary of. Phew...I was afraid the movie wouldn't be able to continue.

The audience is then gives a sneak peek of what the rave is like. And let me tell you...it's the best 20 person, daytime island party this side of any given weekend at Bernie's. At first, this scene appears to be completely irrelevant, but then I realized the hidden genius - you have to look closely, but a very important plot device that will be a reoccurring factor shows up at the 4:38 mark. Now...play along and guess what that is:
A) A sacred object
B) The DJ's booth
C) Booze
D) BOOBS!

If you answered "A," you're in the wrong movie, pal. "D" is the correct answer!

A healthy part of any movie's story!

Anyway, after the epic bewbage, we follow along with a couple who's names...I don't know. But what I do know is that they are important to the story, because they slither off to the beach and plan on getting horizontal. In fact, it's the 2nd pair of boobs in these many minutes! Uwe has done it again...he's a, dare I say, genius! The female wants to get down in the dirty, cold water, but the guy doesn't dig water sex and decides to let her swim by himself, while he enjoys his beer...with his pants still around some ankles. Dude...for the sake of my eyes, put your pants on. So the woman swims for a while, but realizes she might get the swine flue, or some junk like that, and decides to get out of the water. Unfortunately for her, the guy passed out and was silently carried away somewhere. Damn...they must be drinking bottles of Ever Clear. Regardless, she follows a path into the woods until she discovers a run down house. I wonder if this is a dead house? She wonders on in, only to be greeted by a slew of zombies who devour her. Delightful. She should have remembered, however, that if you show your boobs...there's a 98% chance of death. Too bad...oh well, at least this entire sequence wasn't completely irrelevant.

As the camera travels over the water back to the boat, we are treated to random snippets of the video game footage. Normally I would call this unnecessary, absurd, and just plane stupid. But it's Uwe...so here, it really works. I mean, wouldn't it be great if in the middle of my blogging I just

put random cuts of

a

game? I know...awesome, right? Anyway, they arrive to the party a tad late because shit has hit the fan...well, it would have, had these characters not been as dense as a London fog. Seriously, the entire party location is empty, ruined, and there are bloody clothes laying around. Ugh...this is beginning to make teen movies look respectable. I'm sorry...what I meant to say was, "These characters are very smart to avoid being concerned about the clearly dangerous situation. Thank God their acting is so damn good, too. Perfect casting." Because the plot says they have to be curious, Simon, Alicia, and Karma decide to investigate around the clearly abandoned island. Greg and Cynthia, however, decide they want to stay around and have awkward and unfulfilled sex. As they hide away to scrump, Greg shows his true romantic colors and decides he has to take a piss. Nice...so while he's squeezing the lemon, Cynthia promptly gets attacked by a horde of zombies. I'm so convinced and entertained, this Cynthia is a terrific actress...she's going places! Oh well...I guess Greg wasn't man enough to handle her.

Back with the other 3 intrepid youngsters have found their way to the clearly safe mansion. Wouldn't you enter a creepy ass mansion with no real reason other than pointless curiosity? Isn't that the most rational human reaction? I'm figuring out that Karma is the only insane one here, because she doesn't think it's too smart to enter the building. It looks COMPLETELY safe! It turns out the house IS safe, because Rudy, Liberty (An Asian chick dressed in a tight, American flag themed, spandex attire...no joke), and some other shmucks that are bound to become zombie-chow. Ugh...there's way too many groups of people here. Rudy 'n friends explain to the first 3 set of dolts...uh...heroes that these are, in fact, honest to God zombies. Breaking news...sun to rise in East, more at 11. One of them even states that these are, "The reanimated dead...like right out of a Romero movie." Uwe actually had the GULL to reference the zombie-master? As if his work can even hold Romero's jock? Sorry...sorry...Uwe is a genius, and George A. Romero would be lucky if Boll even shows zombies in a movie, let alone drop his name. Hack. The entire group decides that they need to get the fuck outta Dodge, so they go back to the party spot to meet up with Simon and Cynthia to get back on the boat and leave.

The group begins to make it's way back to the party spot, when they begin discussing meaningless aspects of their lives. This is to try and connect the audience with the characters. Don't you feel attracted to them? Don't you not wish them to have their brains sucked through their nose, heads bashed in, and their intestines eaten like fresh spaghetti? Me too. Unfortunately for them, zombies begin circling their location and, let me tell you, these zombies must have been track stars in their previous life because they are incendiary.

Isn't putting these cut shots into the movie AND rant a great idea? Uwe is a genius!

Finally, they make it back to the hot spot. Time to party? Time to show more tits? No...the plot is getting in the way. Oh...by the way, Alicia is difficult to convince, because she doesn't believe that this zombie thing is legit. Don't you feel that suspense, too? I sure do. They spot a capsized port-o-potty and a commotion from within. But it's just Simon, he got trapped inside after it fell over. Huh...so now he's covered in shit. Perfect analogy of this movie, you say? How dare you speaketh ill of this magnum opuses! Smiteth this reader, oh Uwe-One! Well, of course this was an anti-climax that seems generic, but it's not...because it's this movie and that makes it ok. Suddenly, a now zombie-fied Cynthia jumps out of no where and completely snaps some poor sap's neck. I mean...she spins his head around 180 degrees and kills him. I'm so convinced...even her makeup, which is seemingly just a streak of ketchup down her face and a slightly ripped shirt, works. I mean...zombies don't eat EVERYTHING they see, right? Just before this demoness can strike again, Officer Casper arrives and shoots Cynthia down. Casper was the one that followed Kirk to the island to confront him...thank God for her and her high powered rifle.

Speaking of Capt. Kirk, we meet back with him aboard his ship, the S.S. Minnow Johnson. He is beginning to get attacked by zombies, but have no fear, for he is Captain James T. Kirk...uhh...except for the "James T." part...and he will destroy any adversary that dares to screw with the Federation Starfleet! Are heroes are also making their way to the ship...but OH NOES...the zombies are in hot pursuit. Hit the lame techno music, it's action time! The crew locates the boat, but to their dismay, find out that is under attack from the zombies. Simon, being the rock stupid cretin that he is (it's ok...'cuz he's handsome), jumps into the water to try and get on the boat. That's right...he even ignores the yells of all the people and STILL dives into the infested waters. Maybe the techno music is too loud. Notice use of zombie intelligence; instead of mindlessly devouring the people, they attempt to drown and beat them up. Kirk ends up getting bit...I guess he encountered the only instinctual zombie. Oh...and Simon gets vomited on by zombie-acid and now is permanently ugly. Oh well...at least he's got his brains...oh wait. Oh yeah...and another revelation, Alicia is now a firm believe and, in fact, tries to convince others that these are zombies. Well no shit, sweetheart, did you just figure that out?

"Dumb these characters are, genius this is not"

Don't listen to Yoda, guys, he doesn't know what he's talking about. He wouldn't know what a good movie was if it Obied in his Kenobi. Before we move on with the story, Kirk weaves a tale of a very mean Spaniard who murdered a ship and practices devil-worshiping stuff. Island De La Muerte is a bad place guys...can't you tell? Oh...by the way, I heard Hitler was a jerk.

So Greg is recruited by Casper to go...uhh..wait, guys, the boat is right there. Get off the island? What the hell are you doing?

Usually plot holes are bad...but it's a Uwe Boll movie, so it's ok.

Well, not leaving turns out bad for ol' Greg because he gets killed off after a chase scene. I should also mention that this is where we get the all new "Game over" for the character scene. It will show the character, with a rotating camera, then fade to red. Why not go all the way, Uwe? Why not just put a big, red, bloody, "Game Over" text on the fucking screen...calm down. It's a video game movie, right? It fits...in fact, when I end up going to that big blog in the sky, I hope my death scene is similar. Casper eventually reunites with the remaining survivors...seriously, movie, why did Greg and Casper run off? What the fuck was the point? Ignoring the rising anger, apparently Kirk was smuggling, I'm not kidding, cigars and guns so he has some readily available. So he was smuggling illegally gained goods...to an island that is only inhabited by zombies? Yeah...good plan. The epic music starts up, the montage of equipping begins, I guess we're off to fight zombies for...whatever reason. I'm just sayin'...there's a boat right there. I'll leave it alone.

I guess the plan is that they are going to head back to the house of the dead an bunker themselves in until...uhh...they feel like leaving, I guess. Oh well...action scene go! (By the way, there are way too many shots of the video game put in here, so I won't put one in every time it appears [You're devastated...I Know]). During the sequence, the characters are shooting away, when randomly the movie will show us one individual character, as if he/she was standing on a rotating platform, shooting in slow motion. Uwe just ripped off The Matrix and cars in model show rooms all in one shot...G-E-N-I-U-S. It's THAT cool. And if you were wondering why in some of these shot's (Alicia's, for example), the character is using a shot gun but then randomly it changes to a handgun...shut the hell up. This music is great, too...it's a painfully off key punk rock diddy that punctures your ear drums. But it works...because it fits with the dizzying and vertigo-inducing camera work. I love this...excuse me, I'm getting motion sickness watching the scene.

Well, Liberty ends up becoming a casualty...that is after a countless amount of mindless shooting. As Rudy watches his mail order bride get devoured (No, I don't know why all of them just watched her get eaten), the movie shows us a rapid flashback of everything that has happened up until this point, and then Liberty's game over screen. Did Uwe even go to film school? No...because he's a genius, and genius film makers don't go to school. After minutes of standing at the door with their dicks in their hands, Rudy discovers a window that they can use to get in. Too bad Casper get's her lower half cut off as she climbs through...even worse? No game over screen...shame.

I must commend this movie, it went from balls-to-the-wall action, to a screeching halt. Now we see the few couples make out. It's such a serene mood now...and how fitting. 'Cept for Kirk...he's not looking so good. I'm thinkin' he's gonna turn zombie soon...but don't quote me. The 4 remaining, Rudy, Simon, Karma, and Alicia, decide they best go search the house more and find a better way to fortify themselves. They stumble upon a sloppy SCIENCE lab that is, obviously, the place that is used to make the zombies. Interesting...really. I'm more interested in Kirk, who hears his once first mate whistling outside. Like every thing else in this movie, he completely breaks character and irrationally goes outside to take a look. Well...Uwe makes up for this and has Kirk blow himself up because he knows he's gonna die. How admirable. Shame it's wasted, since he also blows a hole through the front of the house. Thank, Kirk...just let the zombies waltz in. I mean...it's not like the survivors are trying to, you know, survive. "Knock, knock. Who's there? GENIUS!"

Naturally, the 4 remaining flee to the basement once more to barricade themselves from the incoming horde. Being the nosey bitch that she is, Alicia discovers a fish tank that is full of red Koolaid that has a giant, evil sperm swimming in it. Being the idiot broad that she is, Karma promptly shoots the fish tank, letting all the Koolaid (blood) spill out. Turns out, this is a mutated blood that brings the zombies back to life (more on that later). Ooo..side note, this seems like a great time to mention that Alicia is wearing no bra of any kind, and the rest of the movie has her doing a bunch of slow-mo jumps and running. PLOT RELEVANCE!

After locking themselves in a much smaller room, they find a door that leads to a catacombs. Problem is, the zombies are breaking through their barricaded door, Simon realizes his friends can't escape without a diversion. So he sacrifices himself and blows up some gun powder so the others can flee. I'm disappointed...he, too, gets no game over screen. So Rudy, Alicia, and Karma make their way through the catacombs, fighting off a few more zombies when, once again, they find themselves trapped. Karma decides she needs to sacrifice herself, so she fights off a few zombies and them gets eaten. That's nice...thanks for being so self-less, but there's still zombies left. Well...end of the movie I guess. Phew...this fucking atrocity was starting to get painf...what do you mean Greg comes back to help them? What shit is that? Ugh...ok, so Greg comes back and helps Rudy and Alicia from the remaining brain eaters, he then leads them to some other room.

Well, turns out that Greg isn't alive...it happens to be Evil Spaniard guy. Here, we learn that he developed some mutation in blood that keeps him alive forever AND rasise the dead. Rudy and Alicia are seemingly done for, but Rudy makes a daring escape and tosses a gernade to divert attention away from their escape. They find the exit and feel they are home free.

OR ARE THEY!? Of course not...by the way, it was night just 10 minutes ago and now it's daylight. Ugh...

NO! Evil Spaniard is still alive and chases them, insuing in yet, another, fight. The camera spinning, the overuse of slow-mo, the techno music, at this point in time it's SO not wearing on my last fucking nerves. Alicia ends up getting impaled (right in the boobs, no less) and that puts Rudy into a Hulk-like rage and he slices the beasts head off. BUT OH NO! Fuck me he's still alive...that is, until Alicia stomps a mudhole on his dome and finally kills him. Thank fucking Lord...oh...and by the magic of plot convinience a helicopter arrives. Little fucking late, don't you think? How the hell do you know anyone was here? AHHHHH...following a nonsensical, ambiguous soliloquy, the credits finall roll.

I'm FREE! AND I'VE HAD ENOUGH!

For Christ's sake...no amount of German funding is woth this. How do you screw up a zombie flick? It's re-animated corpses, Uwe, not that fucking difficult. And yet, not only did the story draw anybody in...the elements didn't make a lick of sense. You'd be fortunate if George A. Romero simply cursed your existence...'cuz it'd be the closest to talent you've ever been.

Not only does he rip off good movies with little shame, he tries to input video game elements in a movie. As if I need screen shots of a game to drive the plot. Lame game over screens that don't even occur for every character. Slow motion for every shot fired. Uwe...re-animated dead, gore, boobs, repeat. That's all you need, and yet you fucked it up with a lame story that tries to be overly dramatic and ends up drowning on its own liquid bull shit.

There isn't an action sequence that doesn't make my ears bleed, and my head explode. Really...why the use of slow motion for no real purposese? When I mentioned the "action cam" I think the best analogy is a car on a show room floor on a rotating platform. It's so ridiculous that I can barely believe it's in the movie. But then again, it's the same movie that put shots of the actual game in between movie for unbenounced reasons. I guess I get it: it's a movie off of a video game, so why not put a clip of the game in the movie? Problem is...aside from being a dumb idea...you can't use it as a transition OR a tool to advance the direction, as Uwe does multiple times. Oh...and the damn game over screens...actually, it might be the best idea the movie has. But the way it tries to pull it off is just lame. Even when he has a good idea, Uwe knows how to drive it into the ground.

And the story...oh the pain. Forget about continuity, just try not to fall in the holes left by the plot. It's a movie based off a game that's only purpose is to have the player point at the screen and click. That's it. So it's not as if I'm expecting an epic here, guys, I'm only looking for quality effort. No where in this movie is that evident. Why did they NOT board that boat after reaching it? They fought off the zombis, and then for no reason, Greg and Caspser go off. What happens? Greg gets killed and they accomplish NOTHING. It's pathetic. I guess I'd have more to complain about if there actually was a solid plot...there isn't. My other complaint would have to be that there is really no destination or goal for the characters. Why did they go back to the house? To hide out? Ok...but what was there plan? They had no idea that 6 government officials would arrive the next day. And speaking of that...at the end of the movie, a helicopter arrives and it contains 4 armed guys and a random Suit. It's already been established that it'll take more than that kind of fire power to take out all these zombies. Screw it.

Lastly, the characters. You know...the characters don't differ from eachother at all. Rudy is a bland dope who's only purpose is to have a monologue at the beginning, and end, of the movie. Alicia is there because she is busty and agreed to wear a low cut shirt. Karma was the only black chick available to do the movie. Greg was, also, a dull, bland douche bag. Kirk was ambiguous and Casper might as well been an actual ghost. Cynthia was there because they needed a good dick sucker to become a zombie...don't we all? Really, the most in depth character is Simon. Think about it, the arrogant idiot happens to be the most intriguing character. But even so, Uwe could have just had 7 blonde chicks and have them just act generically and it would have been superior then what was in this movie. If you don't get what I'm saying...I'll rephrase: Uwe Boll screwed up the slasher flick, teen movie character architect that was established since the beginning of the horror genre. That is not just inexcusable...it's just laughably bad.

I hope Uwe is burned at the stake, using Guinness and David Hasslehoff CDs as kindling. I hate this movie...and I can't take a second more.

Having said that...go watch it. You need to sit through this movie. Not only so you suffer just as much as I, but to also realize what the bottom of the barrell looks like in film making. Why critics are born. And why I'm the bitter son of bitch I've become. Find this movie and watch it. I fucking dare you. As for me...the credits have rolled, I'm counting my dirty German money, and I just can't take it anymore.

Movies That Made Me: Ghostbusters

2009-07-30T16:30:00.000-07:00

"Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!"

Christ, this movie couldn't have more quotable lines. Every piece of dialogue is funny, I swear to you. Ghostbusters, the 1984 comedy smash hit, is one of the funniest films ever. EVER. Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Sigourney Weaver, Rick Moranis, Ernie Hudson, this movie is stocked with stars and they are all a perfect fit.

I can't imagine that any of you have not seen it, or have a reasonable escuse for not have watching this flick, so I'm not going to waste your time with a synopsis. The movie's main story line is based off of the adventures of scientists Peter Venkman, Raymond Stantz, and Egon Spengler, who later are joined by a random guy, Winston Zeddmore after they are fired from a school for wasting time. Because the private sector expects results, they decide to start their own business focused on the only thing they know, paranormal activity. So, the Ghostbusters are born and they begin sweeping the entire city with their swagger and, of course, abillity to rid people of the troublesome poultergiests. Although they become nationalized celebrities, our heroes aren't excluded from the EPA and Walter Peck. Yes, it's true, Walter Peck has no dick. Peck abruptly shuts down the Ghostbuster's containment unit causing a massive explosion and the release of all the captured ghosts. Dumb ass. That leads to the crew having to face off with a Somaritain God, Gozer. After transforming in itself into the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man, the crew defeates Gozer and sends that bitch back from whence she came. YEAH!

Still, what makes this movie so damn good is the comedy. As I mentioned, every line is one of the most hilarious movies I've ever seen. That's why this is a movie that made me, because it has contributed so much to my twisted and off beat sense of humor. I first saw this movie over 10 years ago and I'm STILL finding new things to laugh at while watching it, especially because the humor relates so well to everyday life...well, except for the whole ghosts thing. Think about it...25 years and it probably holds up better than most any other movie you could name; comedy movies, anyway. There are funnier movies that I could name, Dr. Strangelove, Airplane, Major League all may be funnier at certain times. But Ghostbusters can always be watched; whether it be a rainy or you just need a movie to pick you up anytime. And even the sequal, Ghostbusters 2, although inferior to the first, is still damn funny.

That's not even mentioning the most catchiest themesong EVER in cinema history.

Now, if you guys will excuse me, I got something strange that don't look good up in my neighborhood.

Nintendo Head's weapon of choice.

Oh...here, have this stuck in your head for the next 2 days. You're welcome.

Showtime Sports: Why NFL fans are complete morons

2009-07-30T14:21:00.000-07:00

The sport fan inside me just noticed that, although I have put sports related pieces on this blog, little has been an opinion piece (outside of the NFL Power Rankings back in May). So to get that genre down, I decided to talk NFL fans and the way that they always, ALWAYS, debate a topic and how diluted and lame it usually is. I'm not bitter, guys, I'm just speaking from the heart.

I'm a fan. I'm a big Philadelphia fan, in fact. I stay loyal to the Eagles, Phillies, Sixers, and Flyers. Throw in University of Delaware (alum), Villanova - for good basketball, Penn State - for some football and Jo Pa sound bites, and you have what is my entire slate of teams that I root for. Typically, I'm not one to judge someone else. I don't care who you root for them, or why you root for them, but that doesn't mean I can't have a certain feeling about it. Take, for example, the large fan bases that have grown over the past decade in the New England area. There are plenty of legit New England fans, I'm good friends with some of them. They have been loyal transplanted fan to their teams for their entire life. Great. Then there are others, those who have been Patriot fans since they won the Super Bowl a few years back. Banwagoners...frontrunners, if you will. But it doesn't end in Boston, no, this spread of the 28 Days Later-esque disease spreads through many other fan bases. The Steelers are known for having a large amount of fans, but I ask how that is possible without the majority of those being fair weather fans? How can a person who's never been outside of California ever like the Steelers? For that matter, how can someone from Jersey be a die hard Laker fan? A Colorado New York Giants fan? Seems odd...but I'm not here to rant about fair weather fans, no, I'll let ESPN.com's Page 2 write a few filler articles on that. I got bigger fish to fry.

I'm talkin' about the way fans like this perceive...me. Now, I don't care what you think. I'll be more than willing to give you a snowball chuckin', d-cell tossin', beer chuggin', cheese steakin' beat down show anytime...because, let's face it, the paradigm of the city of Philadelphia is so wide spread, it'll never change. Don't get me wrong, I'm just another miserable, bitter, fan who wants my teams to win so badly I lower myself to doing and saying asinine things. But...what die hard fan wouldn't? I digress...earlier this week, ESPN released their 2nd edition of the NFL Power Rankings: Training Camp edition. Their last one was released in May...I guess their writers were getting bored sitting around, so they decided to update a list after no games have been played. Well substantiated. Seeing some of the reactions to the rankings, I can only come to this conclusion: the NFL Live syndrome* has spread further than even I could have participated.

*NFL Live syndrome is when fans begin talking in boring rhetoric about a team. It's not really an analysis, but more of a basic observation that, if even accurate, doesn't do any good because it's something that even John Madden could explain. You know...like all the analysts on NFL Live. Get it?

My main beef is with a few different issues, first it's this basis that I can't give input because my Eagles have never won a Super Bowl, even though most other fans just spout off the same boring bull crap that I'm so tired of hearing from ESPN's crack NFL voices that it's not even funny. I'm referring to a few fans who think their team is God's gift to the NFL because, "Huh...huh....McNoob totally cubed it in the Super Bowl." I'll be the first one to make a McNabb-vomit joke, but this odd detraction from my voice because of my fandom is beyond me. I don't get it, even an honest, well described opinion of something is taken as crap. In the most honest of opinions, I don't think Eli Manning is a good QB. He doesn't really do anything particularly well; he doesn't have a strong arm, his accuracy leaves a lot to be desired, and while his 2007 post-season run was impressive, it's the only stretch in his tenure as a Giant that was worth a damn. He gets so much credit for that play in the Super Bowl when, in reality, he got lucky. He really just did what he always does, chuck it up in the air and pray. The real dap should go to Daivd Tyree, he outplayed the defender for the ball, timed his jump perfectly, and held on for dear life.

What's my point? Well, too many people have become this mindless slave to these weird substantiated ideas that are much too basic. For example, (to prove my anti-bias, I am a conservative) when talking to a conservative republican about the economy, I find that they generally will read off rhetoric and bland ideas for how the economy should be run, as if this were a macroeconomics class. When in reality, the economy is much more that just what you read in a text book; there has to be a critical analysis of it. Same thing goes for most fans. I'm not trying to put myself on a high horse, by any means, but what I am trying to say is that there is a place for the basic ideas of how football teams should be made up, and then there is the next step and that is actually piecing together how the team works. Let's take the Vikings, just to put up an example. Right off the bat someone would say, "Well they have no QBs, but they got a great RB in Adrian Peterson and have a really good defense." Yes, that is true, but is it the whole story? Of course not. Forget about Favre...he's a hack anyway, we're working with what the Vikes got now. Tarvaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels are, presumably, the two QBs that are competing for the starter spot. I'll be the first to tell you these guys aren't the greatest signal callers to ever play the game, but does that make them useless? Hardly. They don't have to be Pro-Bowl caliber guys to be successful in an offense that is built around the running game. Not to mention with a defense as good as theirs behind them. Consider this my official segway into my next rambling point...
Just because a player is not on the God-like level (Brady, Manning, etc.) doesn't make them a commodity and a necessity to their team. When ranking QBs, and ESPN is COMPLETELY guilty of this too, we always say "There's Manning, Brady, then everyone else." I realize there is no argument I can put together that would actually convince, nor be plausible, to argue that Manning and Brady are not the top 2 QBs in the league. I concede to that. However, this rhetorical line has been drowned out so many times that it really blands 30 talented players together. McNabb has never won a Super Bowl, his numbers aren't as good as either of those two guys, does that make him a slouch? No! He has been a consistently good for 10 years, and even made WRs by the names of Todd Pinkston, James Thrash, Freddie Mitchell known to the general public. He is the reason the offense clicks. If you think that that example might be a bit bias, fine, but then take Redskins' QB Jason Campbell. ESPN's talking heads will pound into your head the same boring nonsense about him not yet proving his ability. I disagree. What's more important than a QB who lights it up, is a QB who doesn't make mistakes and Campbell is one of those guys. His late struggles last year were more of a depiction of the poorly run offense on Jim Zorn's part, not Campbell's. In fact, the 'Skins were smart for not benching him for Cutler because I believe he is a better QB than Jay Cutler. Cutler has this aura about him that he has seemed to prove something...like what? Completely collapsing in the last month of the season? A pedestrian 18 interceptions? His numbers, decision making, and attitude don't impress me. But Jason Campbell, on the other hand, does not have such large amount of interceptions because, although he may not be as accurate as Jay Cutler, he is smarter. Campbell knows what throws he can't make and stays away from them. It takes better coaching and game planning to suit what he can do, because a big guy like that who has mobility, and a good deep ball has to be accommodated. I don't mean to come off as some non-conformist hippie, but just because ESPN spouts off the same crap every day, doesn't make it true.

This was most certainly a rant, and one that I'm not even sure had an actual point. Nor do I care. Take it for what it's worth...and if it's worth nothing, that's fine by me. I guess my main idea is, don't just take the plain answer as the whole story. In any situation, dig a little bit deeper. This is getting too philosophical...I need a beer.

Showtime Sports would like to welcome...

2009-07-29T13:17:00.000-07:00

Reigning American League Cy Young Award winner, Cliff Lee to the Philadelphia Phillies!

In a HUGE trade for the world champions, the Phillies traded for Cliff Lee and the right handed power hitter center fielder Ben Fransisco for 4 minor league prospects; none including Dominic Brown and Michael Taylor, and pitcher Kyle Drabek or the 7-1 J.A. Happ. A complete steal for the Phillies.

Cliff Lee, welcome to Philadelphia!

Read the ESPN story, here

In memoriam...

2009-07-28T17:48:00.000-07:00

Philadelphia Eagles Defensive Coordinator
Jim Johnson
1941-2009

Playing with my Wii: Wii Sports Resort

2009-07-26T19:23:00.000-07:00

My buddy Joe picked up a copy of the Wii's newest creation, Wii Sports Resort. Let me say...wow. I can honestly say that I haven't had this much fun with a video game in a long, LONG, time. This game is that good and, once again, gives two middle fingers to game producers who think graphics make the game.

In a nutshell, Wii Sports Resort 12 games in 1, including basketball, frisbee, swordplay, power cruising, table tennis, air sports, arhcery, cycling, canoeing, wake boarding, and the return of golf and bowling. This isn't even mentioning the various different types of game modes that are available to unlock. Quite simply, throwing in a free Wii Motion Plus accessory, this might be the best 50 dollar bargain available to Wii owners. Certainly, it's a must own.

I'm not here to tell you about even sport, but I will tell you that the control is spot on. I mean, it's pulled off without a single hiccup. The feel of every sport is so natural that it is one of the more easier games to just pick up and play...EVER. Although there is a small problem in the basketball's 3-point contest mode when picking up the balls to shoot, it is an issue that a player will solve after a few play thoroughs.

What makes this game so much fun is the fact that you are moving, something that has made the Wii so popular and challenges the other 2 consoles so well. These games will make you move, and sometimes, break a sweat! I'm not kidding...trying to defend yourself playing the sword play game, or riding up the side of a volcano, against the wind, in cycling will REALLY get your heart rate up. It's not terribly taxing on you, but it the feeling of moving so much during a video game is kinda refreshing. I guess I just scared off the fat ass gamers. Oh well..go play DDR at the movie theaters...fat fucks.

The only real issue I have with the game is the exclusion of baseball (which was my favorite from the original Wii Sports). I do think that it would have made the game would have been so much better if they had included, and improved, the baseball game. Still...it's not a big deal after shooting down some other bum's airplane!

Without slurping this game way too much, and looking to big the biggest Nintendo fan boy this side of the AVGN, I'll wrap this up here. Play this game...buy this game. It is such a fun game to play, and isn't that what all this video game nonsense is supposed to be? Fun? Remember fun...well, welcome to Wii Sports Resort: where there is plenty of fun to be had.

Showtime Sports would like to extend a congratulations...

2009-07-23T18:32:00.000-07:00

To Mark Buehrle

Buehrle threw the 18th PERFECT...yes, EL PERFECTO game...in major league history. His name will now be remembered forever and in the same conversation with the legends of the game. From an avid baseball fan, Mark Buehrle, Congratulations!

Movie Ranting 9: Knowing

2009-07-23T15:35:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been bored, broke, and unbelievably delirious at the same time? I have...that's the only rational explanation for me even considering to watch this movie. Let's mark off all the things that will sink this movie faster than a boat hitting an ice cube:
-Nicholas Cage is in the lead roll...ugh...
-Nicholas Cage is in a Sci Fi thriller...
-A National Treasure clone + more at stake x Nicholas Cage = 3 week old garbage

Still, I found myself standing at the Red Box picking this movie because for some diluted and unknown reason to myself, I thought it could be good. I thought that it might just bend the bracket and invent something interesting in the Sci Fi genre I have yet to see. I honestly don't remember the last time I was THIS wrong regarding a movie. And you know what the worst part is? This flick tries to convey a religious theme. So this movie tries to pitch subtle religious anecdotes to the audience? Great. Let's play a game...I'll try to depict these symbols throughout the rant and you try to pick up on it by the end. If you guess right, you'll win one free chest slap...courtesy of yours truly. Knowing what I now know about Knowing, I wish I didn't know a damn thing about Knowing.

The movie begins in the year in the year 1959 with this off beat little girl, who looks like she needs to get some sleep, staring off into space with some eerie whispers in the background. Very creepy. This little girl's name is, Lucinda - a 6 year old basket case. Lucinda's class has a plan to do something for the future, and Lucinda's idea has been selected by the school - keep that in mind. The idea is for all the children to draw a picture of what they believe the future will look like. Most of the children draw beautiful pictures of robots, flying cars, modern advances that would make the Jetsons green with envy. Lucinda, of course, is your basic creepy girl and she fills the entire sheet of paper up with numbers. Silly girl, binary code is just ones and zeroes. Regardless of her teacher's disappointment in Lucinda's choice of pictures, the paper is placed in the time capsule, underneath a 8-point star emblem. I hope you're paying attention to detail...there will be a quiz later.

Although the celebration is a joyous one, Lucinda goes missing, and her teacher realizes it. Naturally, they go a-lookin' for her. Her teacher stumbles upon Lucinda inside a closet, in the school basement, carving out numbers on the inside of a door with her FINGER NAILS. Holy shit...are this little girl's nails made of adamantium? Lucinda is creepy...she shoulda gotten the nod over that Grudge movie little girl, she's much more of a freak...just sayin'.

Yeah...you can suck someone into their own hoodie, but can you carve numbers into a wooden door with your nails? Didn't think so...hack.

The movie transitions to present day by looking down upon the Earth from, what one could assume, is outer space. SYMBOLISM! After a tortuously slow moving introductory credits, we finally meet up with John Koestler (Cage) cooking on the grill and looking through a telescope with his son Caleb (Chandler Canterbury). Let me weave you a depiction of these two on screen: aggravating. John is a pompous astrology professor at MIT and his son is a vexatious little brat. Caleb's character doesn't seem to fit the roll of a 12 year old, but more of a 20 year old; he plans on becoming a vegetarian, is much too logical for a pre-teen, and although I liked his rebellious attitude towards his father, it has become a nuisance. Typical...I bash the two main characters not even 20 minutes into the movie, I'm too cynical.

John goes to his son's bedroom, where Caleb is enjoying the Discovery Channel. John mentioned earlier that "It's just us two out here," insinuating that it's just him and his son searching for other worldly life - it was meant to be dry humor, but I guess Caleb didn't get it because John has to explain his meaning. See? What child thinks like this? We find out that John doesn't not believe in a Heaven, or any other purpose or determination in life. He is, in a sense, a creationist. This will be touched upon later...for now, we get a cutesy little hand gesture and transition to the next morning.

John is lecturing his class and begins to discuss the differences between determinism and creationism. In a nut shell, he describes determinism as the belief that there is a purpose for us being here. That everything has a reason for happening. Creationism, in his words, is simply just a random set of events that have occurred to lead up to an event. There is no purpose, just an arbitrary chain of events. Now, before I continue...the movie is off on both accounts. John, as stated, is a creationist because he does not believe there is a purpose to anything. That's fine, but for an MIT instructor he must think I don't know a thing.

He states that determinism means there is purpose, but this is incorrect because as far as we know only humans can ascribe purpose to things...i.e...the most we can deduce is that dogs do not put a meaning to the water being in their bowl, they just drink from it and want the water. Humans, however, will ascribe a purpose to that cup holding the water; we want the cup to hold the water so it makes the consumption of the water less difficult. Just because there is a causal relationship between one thing and another does not mean that the cause has a purpose. If you trip and fall, sure the thing you tripped on is part of the cause of your fall, but there was no purpose ascribed to what you tripped over. If you were to look at it beforehand, it had no reason for being there. It is in hindsight that we desire to find a reason, and attempt to understand by refer a purpose. The movie assumes an originally ascribed purpose, which is the primary flaw in the entire line of reasoning of the movie, and it is never addressed.

John then states that the alternative to determinism is random chance, and he even mentions "random mutations" as if to put evolution by natural selection as part of the opposing side of his previously declared dichotomy. This is, again, absolutely incorrect because evolution is deterministic, there is a causal relationship between the change in allele frequencies. If you accept determinism, it is absolutely absurd to state that mutations in an organisms are actually random. There is proof to evolution, and that proof certainly does not point to natural selection being a game of chance. To sum it up, the movie's most highlighted inner conflict has been tainted by the fact that it can't even get it's own ideas straight.

Class is dismissed...do your homework, because there is a test on Monday.

Good news everyone! Professor Nintendo Head is finally going to shut the hell up!

Ugh...professor John is a cynical bastard, that's what's wrong with colleges these days. He dismisses class after he has an epiphany that he doesn't realizes he doesn't have any purpose in life...loser. Afterwards, he meets up with his buddy and college, Phil. Phil tries to talk him into coming over to dinner with someone, but John's parenting duties call and he has to rush over to his son's school because today is the 50 year mark since the time capsule has been put in place. The capsule is picked up and all the students are given the pictures drawn 50 years earlier. All the children receive those precious and beautiful pictures of the kids from 5 decades ago, except Caleb, that is. He receives Lucinda's numerical page. That's boring...he should scribble scrabble over it with crayons, don't you think?

Later that evening, John notices that Caleb brought home the paper stating that, "He thinks it might have some sort of secret meaning." What kid knows about numerology at 12?! John gets intrigued by it later on, after a drink no less. Actually, I think John has a bit of a drinking problem. Does he go to class every morning hungover? Maybe that's why he zones out. After spilling a drink on the paper, John notices an odd sequence of numbers, "911012996," or "9/11/01 2996." What significance does that have? The attack on September 9th, 2001 killed 2996 people. Crazy, huh? John, being the rationale guy who doesn't put a purpose on to anything begins to analyze the entire sheet's sequence of numbers and use the Internet to research the dates and events. As expected, the page is filled with dates of tragic events that killed many people - describing the date and amount of casualties. It's a good scene and does a sound job of pulling you into the dramatic discovery made. Of course, Nicholas Cage not having to say a line in this sequence REALLY helps that.

DrunkBum John sez, "I dun wanna hear ur crazy conspiracy theories. I just want anutter beer."

The next day John heads to work and confers with his buddy Phil that he is, in fact, a lunatic. In order to try and suppress that crazy feeling, John heads Miss Taylor (Lucinda's teacher) who is still alive to ask her some questions about the little girl. Ms. Taylor describes that day when Lucinda wrote all those numbers on the paper and that she had to stop, then later she found Lucinda scratching at the door. Fat lot of good that did you, John.

Later that evening, John is still trying to find out some answers, when he notices that Caleb is outside talking to a mysterious man in a car who gave Caleb...*dramatic music*...a black sedimentary rock. Those fiends! Didn't John ever teach his kid not to talk to strangers? Maybe he should stop hitting the bottle and being so cynical so he can parent, once in a while. Alcoholic. But, the family issues have not ceased. No, in fact they are about to get worse and I believe this is where the movie begins to loose sight; right at the start of the second act. John's relative (niece, daughter, sister, cousin? I don't know...the movie isn't clear) Grace arrives and begins to vaguely give us some back story insight on how John does not like his father...who happens to be a pastor. Does he not like him BECAUSE he is a pastor, or just because he's got some daddy issues? Actually, on second thought, I don't care. Why is this scene in the movie? It dilutes it and tampers with the, up to this point, steady flow of the plot. I don't like Grace, anyway. She's an uppity scunt. Screw you, Grace, and your relationship to John.

That evening, or...later that night I guess, John is watching the Depressing-News searching for an event that will take the lives of 81 people, which is pointed out on the sheet of paper. He passes out and does not awake, presumably, until later that afternoon when his son calls and asks for him to pick him up. He's a dead beat dad, an alcoholic, and a sort of a cynical careless bum. Either way, on his way to pick up Caleb he gets stuck in traffic and is presumably ready to make amends with Phil and take him up on an offer to go out Friday night. That is, until he notices an oddity on his GPS, the coordinates read out a sequence of numbers that matches the numbers on the piece of paper. The numbers that he didn't circle before, are the GPS locations of the tragedies. Oh shit, John...the event is going to happen where you're at! As John is talking to a police officer about the accident, a passenger plane comes tearing through the skies and crash lands at the field adjacent to the road. It's quite a gruesome scene, depicting people burning and screaming, what throws me off about it is the reactions from John...they don't seem to match what he should look like. It's hard to explain, really, but it just doesn't seem normal. Still, as guessed, 81 people die in the crash. If there was any doubt, it is gone now: the paper is for real.

John arrives home a complete mental and emotional mess. He ensures Caleb does not find out about the accident because...well...just because, I guess. After ordering Caleb to go to bed, the boy throws some sort of, "I'm not a kid anymore" crap. Is the movie trying to establish something here? If it is...the flick is doing a piss poor job. John has an emotional break down, but that's ok...he's got the boose to help him forget!

Got a lil' sorrow in ya? Just drink those memories away and hide them deep inside your subconscious. You can be: Captain Repressed Memory.

Caleb is sleeping, but then waken by a shadowy figure in his room who points outside. The child looks outside to see that everything has been burnt and is being destroyed, even the wild life trying to flee. NO! NOT THE MOOSE! You bastards...how dare you harm the moooooose!

Those sons of bitches...Bullwinkle will thoroughly PWN their asses for this douche-baggery!

After his son screeches in fear, John runs to his side to reassure him. Reassure ME that the moose is ok, John! But, wait...John notices a shadowy figure in the forest and runs out side to scare him off. It actually looks like a Jason scene, but before you can say "che...che...che...ah...ah...ah" the scene cuts away? That's just stupid editing and lazy writing. Now it's day time, and John and Caleb are in a car out front of Lucinda's daughter's house. Stalkers. I'm not kidding...they track her down, then follow her to a museum, where the mother and daughter are going. This is getting weird, I get the feeling John is going to ask this lady to "Put the lotion in the basket." Aside from John on the verge of pulling a Kobe on this chick, he tries to pry information out of her about her passed mother, the creepy little girl from before, Lucinda. The woman, Diana, like most people does not take kindly to being asked by random strangers if her mother was a certified freak. She ups and leaves, leaving John still at square one: oblivious to what is going on.

I don't blame Diana for ditching John, Nicholas Cage reads his lines like a robot. I guess emotion is for the weak! What bugs me about the scene is that Diana seems to jump off the handle at an odd time in the conversation. Wouldn't natural human curiosity at least guide her to reading the sheet of paper? I mean, how else could this complete stranger know what he knows? Strikes me as odd, is all.

John's smart-pants degree and gig at MIT is leading him to no answers, so he decides to become more involved. He sends Caleb to his annoying niece (daughter? sister? Whatever...) and researches where the next event will take place. It just so happens the event will take place at a crowded and typically busy intersection. Wow...Lucinda really hated New York, this is the second threat to this regional area in this many days! Our hero figures it would be nice to warn someone, so he calls up the FBI from a pay phone and tells them where the attack will take place and that it would be wise to shut down the corner. The following day, John makes his way to the location and finds that not only is it not shut down, but there isn't any kind of federal involvement at all. Yeah fuckin' right...on the news, John heard that there was the threat of an attack on American soil, which obviously means the FBI is on the look out. Then a mysterious stranger, calling from a pay phone, warns them of where the attack will occur and the FBI doesn't take any action? Blow me. This isn't a continuity issue...it's a lack of common sense issue.

After asking a cop why the corner hadn't been shut down, John takes off into the subway in order to avoid getting questioned by some other officers. Hiding amongst the crowd, our hero spots a shady fellow hiding behind one of the columns, and then running away with something in his hand. Clearly this is the would-be attacker! A very boring and choppy chase scene later, we find out that the shady looking fellow is not concealing a bomb, but a few illegally gained DVDs. This is why John is a teacher, and not a CSI; his intuition blows. While they are all getting a ride on the train, a malfunction in the tracks derails the train and slams into another loading area. It's actually a disturbing, and impactful scene...the movie does this very well. Too well, because it is actually difficult for me to watch. John had the right place, but he should now learn that these events are not just human-imposed, but are also by random events. The unpredictability is what makes it scary.

The tragic event leads John to the last place he can turn for any kind of answers, back to Diana? Yeah...after hearing about the event and John being involved, she decides to aid him uncover what the hell is going on. In order to unveil this mystery, John, Diana, and the children head back to Lucinda's house; a small cottage in the middle of the creepy woods. They leave the kids in the car, and fart around the house, rustling through anything that could tip off what was passing through Lucinda's young mind. After a small trip down memory lane with Diana, John stumbles across the "Profit Ezekiel's Vision of Merkaba." This is an illustration of what Ezekiel (a renowned profit) saw, depicting a fiery creature, a floating wheel, and what appears to be Jesus in the heavens. All of which will play a roll later on in the movie.

The image of relevance!

They pocket the picture, and move on to the bedroom. There they find another one of those black rocks...actually, quite a few. That's not the most important revelation, however, as the children in the vehicle are being surrounded by those shadowy figures, whispering inaudible, and characteristically, eerie things. Feeling curious about why the rocks are under the bed, John flips it up to see what is written on the underside of the wodden frame. It turns out that the label "EE" on the paper does not represent one person...as the bed has "Everyone" engraved multiple times on it. The perverbial end of the world. A horn erupting alerts John and Diana, as they dash out to the car to check on their kids. John spots one of the shadow figures, grabs his gun, and chases after him. He finally catches up and demands to know what he wants with his son, the seemingly human only responds by opening his mouth and flashing an illuminous light at John. The fuck? Did he eat a projector? Well...regardless, the paper hasn't been wrong yet, and it predicts the END OF ZE WORLD will happen tomorrow. You guys need to lighten up...here, have some comedy:

With the end of the everything uncertainly approaching, John notices Abby drawing a picture; it's a recreatment of the Ezekiel illustration, but this time with the sun being emphasised around God. John darts over to MIT and reveals that the sun is about to let off a huge burst of solar radiation that will destroy the Earth. It's very ominous and, again, the movie does a good job of delivering a good scene...certainly, my problem with it is not on the basic film making layer.

The demise is approaching, so the crew decides to try and gather supplies to hide in a relatively hidden cave. John calls his father, whom with he hasn't talked to in a while, and warns him to relocate somewhere safe. His father is a devout Christian and decides that if it is his time, he will not "fight the Lord's will." Ok then. Frustrated and ready to go, John calls for everyone to gather their things and leave. Caleb, however, is not responding. He is upstairs writing down more cryptic numbers on a sheet of paper. Weird...but if the world is going to end what's the point? I dunno..whatever. John has an epiphany, though, and instead of heading for the hills, he goes to the elementary school to take the door that Lucinda engraved numbers on. How does he know it's the door, anyway? Hello...I have a feeling this last act is begining to unravel. John uncovers the 50 year old numbers, but is too late to tell Diana and the two kids about it; they have already departed. Hurry, John, you have the location on where to go!

Diana has become an emotional wreck, but that is no excuse for mediocre acting. She stops at a convinience store for some gas. While getting into a go-nowhere argument with John on the phone (Yes, he has the only working cell phone in the world), the car is stolen, along with the chilrdren, by the shadowy people. Diana steals another car...most illogical, and promptly gets t-boned by a truck when trying to run a red light. She gone. This is getting some kinda weird Final Destination vibe. Not really feeling it. Anyway, John has a sentimental moment over Diana's death, and then proceeds to the destination of Lucinda's old house in the creepy woods. That's where all of this is going down.

John locates the epicenter of all this happening, not to mention his son and Abby. So...what is the big revelation? The Shawdowy-Whisper people are, in fact...uhh...aliens? What? It's difficult to explain, but I guess the most simplest explanation is that these figures are, in fact, angels. I guess angels ride in space ships. Apparently, they have been sent to get the two children (Caleb and Abby) to "Start over." Huh...well, way to break the paradime of what we all think angels should be. These guys are douche bags, John is not allowed to follow his son to this new place. Only the "Chosen ones" can go. These "angels" turn into some kind of energy/higher being form and take their kids into the space ship...leaving the other 6 billion residents of earth to die. Thanks.

Dramatization:
-"You see our space ship, that shit is a Dodge."
-"I though we only drove Christ-lers?"
-"That joke is from the devil...let's get off this planet, this place is a dive."

As the world is going to hell in a hand basket, due to the madness of the situation, an odd song that doesn't fit the scene at all plays with John driving to his father's home. The scene is much too sureal for me to even explain...just take my word on it, it's fucking weird. Either way, it has begun, the sun destroys the ozone layer and ignites the ground causing a firey wall of death to engulf everything in its path. It's a good looking scene...but oh...it doesn't make a bit of fucking sense.

TRANSITION! We are now in...uh...unbenounced location, with Caleb, Abby, and the hundreds upon thousands of other chosen kids. They all run gracefully towards a large tree that, obviously, is an allusion to the Tree of Knowledge from the bible. So...does this make this the Garden of Eve, Heaven, what? TELL ME! Ugh...

This movie isn't horrible, per se, but it is far from good. Some people this movie has a strong first two acts, I think those people are out of their mind; this movie blows from start to finish. Am I asking to much to have my movies make sense? Because this one certainly does not. There's some unanswered questions and resolutions that really don't explain a whole helluva lot. What do the black rocks symbolize? Really...they are around whenever someone dies, so is it some kind of marker of death? I don't understand. It seems as if the director rushed the final part of the film, especially, because the story sputters and any kind of clever plot developments kind of sputter off into obscurity.

How do the children carve the numbers, so easily, into tough wooden pallets? It's not a plot hole...it's just something that bothers me.

Oh...and the creationist propaganda, let's not look over that. This movie is all about proping up the fact that they are alluding to Christianity with certain plot points. That's nice, but it leaves a lot to be desired. Mainly, what's the point of destroying the Earth? At least in other movies there is some sort of connection to why us silly humans have to die, take a God awful movie in The Happening; we are harming the Earth with our pollution and the plants have begun to kill us off. Yeah...it's completely idiotic, but at least it's a reason. This movie NEVER gives a reason for the destruction of the planet. Which, correct me if I'm wrong, is the entire point to the film...even the damned movie is telling me it doesn't have to be here. I mean, is it a "Noah's Ark" kinda deal? Our world has been too consumed by evil? But then, why kill us all off? Why not try to show us the err of our ways; not all of us are terrible people, Shadow-Angels. And the angels...ugh. They ride in a space ship and are cold hearted. Didn't God say he wouldn't do this to us again? You make me angry...

You conspire against me? The God of War?!

Just sitting down and watching this movie, it won't make you think...it will make you hurt because, clearly, the director didn't give it enough thought. Cage's acting does not make this thing any better. Avoid it like the plague, and Ben Roethlisberger in a dark alley. The credits have rolled...and I cannot take another second of pain.

By the way, did you play along? Did you get everything that was symbolical? Good...what you found has no purpose, no value, and you will win nothing. To cash in your prize, send 20 dollars to my Paypal account and provide a valid credit card number. Enjoy.

Movies That Made Me: Pulp Fiction

2009-07-17T15:31:00.001-07:00

As I whine and complain about all the terrible movies that I have suffered through, I feel as if I lose sight of what movie going is all about. Even to my cynical and critical brain, I of all people should not lose site on what watching a movie is supposed to be like and what emotions it can make you feel. So, in order to bring a sort of balance to the universe (or, my blog in this case), I believe it is time to view and discuss an enjoyable movie. Just to take pleasure in the potential influence that movies have on us.

I do not plan to go into as great a depth as I do with my Movie Rantings, if only because there is just so much you can rejoice the prominence of films before it becomes redundant. Instead I will give my perspective on the movies that have shaped me and give a critical analysis of the film. Instead of ranting, I’ll channel my inner Roger Ebert and give an non bias review of it. With no further a do…Movies That Made Me.

What better way to kick this off then with the best piece of work Quentin Tarantino has ever done, Pulp Fiction.

Pulp Fiction defies logic. It’s a violent, vulgar, and all around insulting movie. It has corny dialogue and a non linear path to tell a story. And still…it is one of the greatest works ever. This movie don't smile for no pictures. It is a different kind of monster, and that’s what gives it the character that makes it memorable. Tarantino never makes a boring movie, he can make a bad one, but never a boring one. He’s like the Kurt Cobain of movie making; even if the instrumentals suck, you can’t help but still listen because of the ingenuity. Not to hype this movie up anymore, but it is so similar to Citizen Kane that it just has to be good.

The first chapter starts off with Vincent Vega (John Travolta) and Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson) driving to work. These two are hit men that work for mobster, Marsellus Wallace (Ving Rhames) and are sent to an apartment to collect a valuable of Marsellus’ from a group of wayward, criminal young men. The scene is so transcends a great deal. From the allusion of Huckleberry Finn and his buddy Jim discussed how foreigners can understand each other, transformed into what they call a quarter pound hamburger, with cheese, in France. “A royal with cheese,” of course. You have to remember the conversion to the metric system. Following one of the more memorable scenes in cinema history, in which Jules recites the famous "Ezikiel 25:17" line, Vincent and Jules kill off the teens, and the chapter closes.

Does he look like a bitch?!

Vincent is ordered by his boss to take out Marcellus' Wife, Mia (Uma Thurman), and make sure she has fun. This leads to one of the stranger scenes I've ever watched. Vince and Mia share an odd conversation, before she demands they win the dance contest...and they do; they win a dance contest in a 1950s themed restaurant. It's surreal to see it because of just how damned weird it is. And I love every minute of it. Still, it's not a movie without drugs and after taking Mia home, she gets into the coke and accidental over doses. Panicking that Marsellus will have his ass, he rushes her to a close friend of his to help revive Mia. A frantic and tense scene filled with an angry wife, a little black medical book, and an adrenaline shot leads to Vincent having to shove the needle into Mia's heart and wake her. Guys, it's in your best interest to make sure Marsellus never knows of this. By the way, you wanna hear a bad joke? 3 tomatoes are walking down a street, papa tomato, mama tomatoe, and baby tomato. Baby tomato lags behind and papa tomato gets really angry about it, so he goes back and squishes him, then says, "Catch up." Get it?

As odd as that scene gets, it is still nothing in comparison to the scene in which a boxer named Butch (Bruce Willis) has a flashback about how he got his prize possession: a small pocket watch from his father. Who else could tell this story better than Christopher Walken? His father hid this watch up his ass during the war in order for it to not get taken by "no commie scum." So Butch holds this watch dear, and before he can leave town for good with his lover, Fabienne, after stealing money from Marsellus. Tragically for him, he forgot the watch and has to go back for it. The next scenes are so weird because it consists of Marsellus chasing Butch into a junk store where the owner turns out to be a racist, closet homo, rapist. I couldn't make this up if I tried. Butch ends up escaping, and contemplates leaving Marsellus to live out the last of his few hours taking it in the back door, but decides to save Marsellus. Just...watch...

Zed's dead, baby, Zed's dead.

The situations are not just outlandish and creative, so is the dialogue. Most movies simply use the dialogue to advance the plot, Pulp Fiction's characters fall head over heels in love with their lines. Every word seems to inch its way out of the actor's mouth with such passion and powerful presence that it makes it memorable. That's what makes the characters, all of them, so unique: Vincent is laconic, Jules is precise, Mia is a living, breathing soap opera, Butch is bold. All the chances this movie makes are what makes it so much fun. This film doesn't just tell you a story, it draws you into the story and pulls you in multiple directions. Every time you tune into the flick, you will notice or like something new about it. Tarantino seems to take all the bland movies on the shelves of a video rental store, combine the best of every genre, and pump steroids directly into it. I'm not going to go over every scene, because my words could never do this movie justice...but if you have never experienced this movie, you have to. Sit down, buy it, and just sit back and enjoy; Pulp Fiction defines what easy watching is all about.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go find my "Bad Mutha Fucker" wallet.

Movie Ranting 8: Transformers

2009-07-14T18:54:00.000-07:00

The year is 2007, the anticipation is high. Another childhood blockbuster remake has been released into theaters and people were excited to see a vamped up version of the 1980s toy line, Transformers. You know what? It was a huge success. #1 in the box office for a time being, grossed tons of money, and was regarded as a great film in the minds of fans.

Those fans are fucking morons.

This movie is not only bad, it was bad AND successful. That's the worst kind of bad for a movie if not for the only reason that they will make a sequel. And you know what? They did. Michael Bay continues to churn out shit-tastic creations of cinema and make a killing. Why? Because YOU people continue to go see his abominations of film making; paying for the tickets and DVDs are what continues to feed this monster. Some people consider this movie good...give me your hand, children, and I shall lead you into the golden gates. Allow me to show you the errors of your ways. Transformers does not deserve your praise, and in commemoration of the new dump of a movie that Bay released the other week in, Rise of the Fallen, I feel the need to destroy this movie.

Now, I swear guys, I don't pick on Shia Ladouche. It just seems that every movie he's in gargles balls. It's not like I have some sort of weird vendetta against the guy from a hauntingly bad Disney show years ago, or anything...

I haven't forget, bitch!

With that out of the way, get your fanboy hats on, your "fuck this blog" t-shirts going, and let me grab some hard liquor...the movie is about to begin.

Optimus Prime opens up the movie with an exposition about a cube that can create life, and a battle that has been ongoing for a long while over this god-like cube called the All-Spark. After the introduction, a helicopter approaches a military base stationed in Qatar and is refusing to adhere to the commands of the commanding officer to change course. The mysterious chopper lands on the base and is immediately surrounded by military personnel. Surprise, surprise...it's a Transformer, and it begins laying the smack down. This is Michael Bay's bread and butter...giant robot creating a bunch of explosions, people running around like maniacs, erratic camera movements...yeah, this is definitely a Bay film. The robot is running a complete muck, until...the scene ends and plants us into the front of a high school. Way to completely jar us from a frantic all-out scene to this. Ugh...

Here at, Unknown location High, we get to meet the main character Sam Witwicky. Sam is a tool. His grandfather was an explorer who surveyed the Artic Circle and Sam has gathered his grandfather's utilities to do a school project. Of course, instead of properly completing the project, he decides to auction off the tools. I swear, not only does he mention that he has listed all the items on eBay, he is actually standing there trying to hustle off his grandfather's junk to his classmates. Fucking idiot. Although his teacher should fail him, Sam talks his teacher (who is played by Peter Jacobson AKA Dr. Taub from House) into giving him an A-. What teacher would do that? Sam didn't even give him a blow job or anything...he just upped his grade after hearing Sam's pathetic story about having to get an A to get a new car. Stupid. Anyway, Sam's father picks him up and with the news about Sam's hard earned A, goes to buy that whip.

I would like to note, we aren't even 20 minutes in and I already have a problem with this upcoming scene. Sam and..uh...Dad, go to a use car lot (Bernie Mac is the salesman...sweet) and scope out the options. Slim pickings to say the least. Luckily enough, a beat up Camero catches Shia Ladouche's eye. Now, just minutes before, we see the Camero drive itself into the lot and park itself. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, that would mean that Bernie Mac does not in fact own this Camero. I'll type this slowly so the movie can understand: You...can't...sell...a car...if you don't fucking own it! You can argue that I'm knit-picking, but face the facts: if Sam never gets this car the movie doesn't happen. I'm counting this as a plot hole just on the pure stupidity of it. As expected, Sam gets the whip and is on his way.

Burt Reynolds says, "A Camero looks like it can kick your ass, a Trans Am will come over and do it."

Jon Voigt, who plays the Secretary of Defense, gathers a bunch of no-names to analyze some sound to try and track the attacker. He also gives us exposition that transitions into our other running plot line, the March of the Forlorn Soldiers. Captain Lennox (Played by Josh Duhamel) and Sergent Epps (Played by...oh God...Tyrese Gibson) are the two that we are supposed to give a damn about. I don't, hopefully the robot comes back and blows them to hell. A man can wish, can't he?

More jarring shots lead us back to Sam and his Nameless friend heading towards a gathering at a lake. Sam's buddy, I swear this happens, gets out of the car and climbs a tree for no reason. I don't fuckin' know why. Sam meets up with Trent and Mikaela (Played by Megan Fox). Trent is, how do you say, a grade A douche bag. A stereotypical jock that wouldn't know an algorithm from his ass hole. After some stupid banter and insults between him and Sam, he decides to leave. I'm beginning to get a feeling for 2 things one, this is seeming like a damn teen movie and two, will this scene have a point outside of establishing what Michael Bay thinks are plot points? Doubtful. Trent is ready to leave, but makes the mistake of insulting Mikaela...ugh, what a skanky name...and she walks off. Sam, being the tool that he is, makes his buddy get out and walk home. What?! House, what's the golden rule of friendships between guys?

Damn right.

After Tool Box Sam dumps his friend, he picks up that whore Megan Fox and the driving scene is not only awkward, uninteresting, and fails to evolve our characters above the level of American Pie, but just plain not enjoyable to watch. That's not even mentioning the fact that Megan Fox makes Shia Ladouche look like fucking Johnny Depp. She can't emote one line without sounding like a complete fucking moron. Ugh...these are our main characters! Being the awkward character, Sam's car breaks down. Mikella, apparently, knows how to fix cars so don't worry Sam, she's on it. And, yes, trying to watch Fox read lines that have to do with a car's engine is completely laughable. Of course, Michael Bay figures most guys aren't listening to the dialogue and by this time might as well just show Megan Fox pose half nude on the screen.

Michael Bay really showing off his producing skills from his Playboy porno days, guys...hey, maybe this picture will get my blog some more views!

Sam drives her home, makes sure he nails that "More than meets the eye" line and thankfully ends this Chinese water torture of a scene. It hurts so bad guys...we're only 30 minutes in.

Because this movie is into running countless plot lines at one time, we are now aboard Air Force One. Here we get one awful George Bush joke, followed by the worst display of security ever. A small robot begins hacking the U.S. military secrets - I guess you can do that form Air Force Once...doesn't really seem plausible - and goes unnoticed for a few minutes. That is until someone finally figures it out and the Secret Service gives chase to the little rat-bot. The Secret Service guys have a worse shot than the LAPD because they fail to even damage it. Also, Transformers can now turn into any kind of machine, because the little rat-bot turns himself into a small CD player and the guards walk right by him. I guess random CD players are quite common in high-security computer mainframe rooms.

The army dudes are getting the shank in this movie...just sayin'....they aren't in many scenes. Sam is sleeping after a hard day's work of acting like a dorky tool, but is waken by the sound of his car starting and driving away. He chases the car into some kind of junk yard, where he sees his Camero turn into a giant robot. Impressive. That is, until Sam is chased by 2 guard dogs and then promptly arrested by some douche bag police. How did anyone miss the 80 foot tall robot? Oh...right...Michael Bay wills it.

By the way, I'm not trying to rant on every scene...but they are so impossibly dumb, juvenile, and base I can't help it. I'll try harder. Back at the Pentagon, we see a meeting called by the Secretary of Defense. Maggie, one of the people who discovered the sound that the evil robots made, inputs her own idea that this hacker is in fact an organic system - which is why they cannot track it or destroy the virus it implanted. Of course, this is an absurd idea to the Secretary and he dismisses her quickly. Huh...woman thinking they can deduce complex problems; get back in the kitchen, broad.

Here at Chronicling of a Nintendo Head, we support sexist jokes!

Oh...but I'm not done with the idiocracy. Next scene we meet back up with Sam who is at the police station being interrogated by the most unprofessional cop ever. This scene is so stupid, MY rights were violated. Just take my word for it, this cop would not have a job after this. Christ...movie, I get you are trying to give some comic relief, but every character so far has been nothing but. Eventually, you either have to take yourself seriously, or man up and put the tag "comedy" next to the genre description. Fuck...are we gonna get another random jump shot to the next plot line? You're an idiot if you say, "No."

Back in the Middle East...yeah, quite the leap, we meet back up with the survivors of the Qatar incident. They get ambushed with a Transformer that was released by the one who originally attacked the military base. This is actually an effective scene, and the first one that is really enjoyable, aside from the painful jokes. The soldiers fight off the robot and are returned to the States for debriefing. Maggie, having gotten a look at the beast behind the attacks, decides that there is only "One person who can hack this." So she, get this, steals highly sensitive government information and takes it to her buddy, Glen (Played by Anthony Anderson). How STUPID is this woman? If this is the only guy who can hack it, tell the fucking Secretary of Defense this so they can bring him to the Pentagon! Hello...McFly, anybody home? THINK! Obviously, the SWAT is there in seconds and they are both taken into custody.

Back with our intrepid hero, Sam, his car has mysteriously returned. Scared out of his mind, he makes a desperate run away from the Christine-like vehicle. Sam escapes his car, and is then confronted by a cop car. But this cop car is like no other, because it Transforms into another killer robot. Sam, dude, it just ain't yo day. This Transformer demands that Sam hand over his grandfather's glasses. Remember, he put them on eBay so all the robots can see them. Sam somehow escapes, and collides with Mikaela; they both get a ride from the Camero and the epic chase scene ensues. Gotta love the fact that the chase must have been going on for hours, because it changes from day time to night time by the end of the scene. Continuity shot out the ass. After a weird chase sequence, Sam and Whore are kicked out of the car and the two Transformers have a huge epic battle-fight! I'd say it's really cool...but the camera is so shaky, I really can't tell who is kicking who's ass. I guess the Camero won, because the other robot just goes away and the Camero invites Sam and Mikella to go for a ride. I suppose this is what we are supposed to accept as developing characters, but I just find it stupid. Oh...and about an hour in, what the fuck is the plot? Fighting robots? Did Michael Bay blow up the script, too?

Oh...I almost forgot, this blog post is sponsored by GM Chevorlet and President Obama. While driving in the piece of shit Camero, and that whore Mikaela makes fun of the car's appearance. So, now introducing the new government mandated 2008 Chevy Camaro!

Buy Chevy because it's in Transformers!

Back to our regular scheduled rant...

So a bunch of asteroids, presumably containing Transformers, crash land at random locations. You'd think highly advanced organisms would be able be a bit more subtle than this. Of course, now it's time for Plug the GM Cars. All the Autobots (good Transformers) take the form of various vehicles and meet up with the Camaro (Bumble Bee), Sam, and Whore. They have a talk about the plot at exposition Dark Alley; Optimus Prime explains that they need Sam's grandfather's glasses because, well...it's important. After battling on his home planet, Megatron (Leader of the evil Deceptions) lost the All-Spark, but was able to track it to Earth. By an accident that the writers don't feel like properly explaining, Megatron crash landed and was frozen under the ice. Sam's grandfather accidentally discovered, and then activated this highly advanced robot's navigation device and Megatron imprinted the coordinates to the location of the cube on the glasses. Ahh...so the glasses are a plot device. But, how does someone accidentally activate an organism's navigation device? This thing is supposedly so much more advanced than anything us humans can comprehend, yet some bum can step on its finger and make it work. Not to mention, why did it project onto the glasses and not the rest of his face? Or anywhere else for that matter? And another thing...earlier in the movie, Sam mentioned his grandfather went insane after an event and for the rest of his life babbled on about some giant robot. Did none of the other explorers see this 10 story tall creature?

Searching for answers...error: plot down the shitter.
abort...retry...fail

Before we can continue with this riveting plot line, though, we have to follow up with our felon pals Maggie and Glen. Bay must have thought people would dig racist jokes, so he put in Glen's character to be as stereotypically black as possible. Maggie rationalizes with the FBI guys, and then the scene ends...proving just what I said, Michael Bay wanted to make a few black jokes and then proceed to get them off the screen quickly. Nice...I guess we just don't have enough comic relief in this movie.

The Autobots follow Sam home because he needs to find the glasses. Naturally, hilarity ensues. Guys...what the fuck is this? How does no one see giant fucking robots outside their house? It's like a lame as sitcom routine. Ladies and gents, welcome to Hangin' Wit Sam 'n Friends! Sam's mom makes a masturbaiting joke? Oh, I'm in stitches! A bunch of giant robots are hiding outside the house? Oh my...this is hilarious! Well, I guess the government isn't a fan of sitcoms, because they send out the big guns: Sector 7. What's Sector 7? Well, it's lead by Agent Simmons (Played by John Tuturro) and I guess it's a super-secret government agency that deals with extra-terrestrial shit. And, yes, it is the most laughable fucking scene up until this point. John Tuturro mails in the most hammy and awful of performances including the flashing of his "Do what I want and get away with it" badge. Remember kids, Sector 7 takes nasty shits on your Constitutional Rights! Clearly, the writers had nothing better to come up with besides this stupid fucking idea. Sector 7 guys take the lot of the Witwicky family, and Mikaela, into custody.

En route to...uhh...wherever, the Autobots decide they need Sam and hijack the Sector 7 convoy, freeing Sam and Mikella. I don't know why they didn't free the parents, but I'll assume it's not at all important. Please end this scene...so after some of the most diluted dialogue this side of Battlefield Earth, Bumble Bee pisses on Agent Simmons; followed by Mikella having Agent Simmons take off his clothes, for no particular reason, and they all just walk away. You read that right, Bumble Bee PISSES on the government agent, and then is forced to strip down to his boxers. I'm wishing the the Transformers would have just crushed him...John Tuturro's performance is so hammy, overwrought, and melodramatic it's sickening. The Smooth Criminals think they have gotten away with their heinous crimes, but au contraire, one of the sly Sector 7 ("S7" for simplicity reasons) agents was able to capture the entire conversation on the phone and relay it to their headquarters. How fortunate. Within minutes, the heroes, Optimus Prime, and Bumble Bee are fleeing from the government. Those fiends!

Quick question, oh God of the Transformers world, you have the ability to transform into a tractor trailer, yet you chose to carry Sam and Whore like you are King Kong. Why is that? Wouldn't a truck be easier to, not only taxi people in, but elude people searching for giant robots? Something to chew one, Optimus.

After a dull chase scene, Bumble Bee, Sam, and Mikella are captured. Aww...the sad music and whimpers coming from Bumble Bee as he is getting frozen are so sad. I guess this is supposed to be a depressing scene. Naturally it's ruined by Tuturro acting presumptuous, again. Douche-nozzle. The good news, the plot is still intact! Optimus has lost 3 allies, but gained the highly sought after glasses. Celebration!

Back at the Pentagon, the Secretary of Defense has been informed that a virus implanted on the computers has disable virtually all communications. He is also briefed from another S7 agent about alien life that was encountered on Mars. Transformers on Mars is the next Summer blockbuster, I'm calling it. Oh...and regardless of their crimes against a government official, Sam and Mikella have now been let go and recruited to...uhhh...help out the fight against the evil robots. What could two bland teens possibly contribute to a government defense tactic? Are they going to over act all their lines to the enemy? I'll go with that.

After some cut shots that wearely wrap up the million plot lines and tie them all together, including the characters, creating a shit ball of a story...Tuturro brings his newly acquired agents to the Hoover Dam to inform them about what they're up against. Why? I ain't gots no clue. But he opens the scene with the line, "What you're about to see is totally classified." I'm gonna re-write that, "What you're about see, is total bull shit. Michael bay asks you believe it to be the truth and don't ask any questions."

Always read and understand the signs.

The government has kept Megatron, the Transformer that Sam's grandfather discovered, frozen and hidden from the world. The most powerful Deceptikon we know about to date is put on ice and has been completely incapacitated for generations. Not only that, but he has been used to reverse engineer all of today's modern technology. Actually, I'll give the writiers credit...that's kind of creative. Still, I find it hard to believe NO ONE would ever no about this. It's just too big to not ever discover.

Oh...but I'm not done with the idiocy.

Sam and Agent Simmons have a pissing contest over what to call Megatron and what his motives are, until Sam informs them that he his after the All-Spark, or the giant fucking cube the government has also commendered. Yeah...no shit. A 12 year old could have figured out that the giant, energy producing cube is what the meanacing robot is after. Ugh...we're not done. A demonstration of the cube's power is in order, so they take a cell phone and use the energy from the cube to turn the cell phone into a minature, rabid, robot. How the thing got a machine gun, moving parts, and missles is far beyond what even my addle-brain can comprehend. Hey...if the All-Spark can be used for good, how come everytime it comes in contact with an electronic the machine turns evil? Stupid.

The Deceptikons begin to drain the power from the Dam, thus start thawing Megatron. Uh oh...what to do? Well, although it's obvious to everyone watching the movie that you release the NON-HOSTILE robot to help you out, the S7 dolts disagree. That pertinacity is short lived when Captain Lennox puts a gun to his chest. Good call; that's the first smart thing the military has done this movie. After Bumble Bee is allowed to warm up, they take him to the All-Spark where he...shrinks it? Right, a Michael Bay plot device has to be portable.

Ahhh...there goes Bay's plot device movies, now!

Right...back to the unfreezing of Megatron. He wakes up and begins running a muck inside the dam. Run! The main military personnel follow Sam in his Camero, fleeing the Dam. They just beat out a deterimned, and enraged, Megatron screaming out of his former prison. Although they meet up with Optimus Prime, the rest of the Deceptikons give chase on the freeway. Prime gets into a fight with one of the bum Evil-Bots, but that's short lived 'cause he shoves his sword down that robots throat. Truly he is God. Hey, God, if you don't mind...this thing is starting to run a little long; mind if we wrap it up here? I mean...you have the cube, can we please begin the final fight between Megatron and you?

Well, that which I wish I recieve. The crew arrives in...a crowded city? Why? I don't understand the military logic, here. Why stop in a populated city? Ugh...I feel my anger rising...

Following an attack from Starscreen, Bumble Bee is left injured and hands the cube to Sam. Yeah, good...give the ever-so-important energy source to the squishy meat bag that is Shia Ladouce. The military begins firing everything at the tank Transformer...who ever he is, and the just-landed Megatron. I really can't tell what's going on. Is the camera man an epilleptic? This is annoying. And trying to depict what is going on through this blog is becoming increasingly difficult with this desultory editing and camera work.

This is the equivelent to watching these final scenes. You're welcome.

Being the brave hero he is, Sam is given the task of taking the All-Spark ontop of a building and then getting into a hellicopter to be evacuated. He almost cowards out, but is reminded by Lennox that "He is a soldier, now" and is even given a good luck kiss from his Whore girlfriend. This is so cliche it's making me ill. Sam just went from dorky, out of place, teen to a fucking super hero who won't be stopped by ANYTHING. Book it.

Oooo...a big robot fight has begun! Megatron and Prime have begin to duke it out, Transformer style and, once again, I'm sure it's the coolest looking and most technologically advanced CGI to date, but too bad I can't tell what the fuck is going on. The only thing I know, is that all these innocent by standards could have been evacuated, but the collateral damage is going to be REALLY high.

Back with Sam, who is still running. He gets some help from two Autobots and finally makes it to the building where he tries to flag down his ride, but is met at the top by Megatron. Things are getting a bit dicey, Sam, what are you gonna do? Choose to hand over the cube and live, or risk your life for the aliens? Yeah...like you don't know the answer. Sam refuses to give the All-Spark to 'Tron and is knocked off the building. He screams in fear, but, why? Doesn't he know he has God on his side?! Of course Prime saves him, how dare you question his all-mightyness.

Optimus Prime bless you.

Prime states that he will sacrifice himself if he cannot defeat 'Tron, but think about it...wouldn't Megatron still be alive? Is he not the only one who can defeat him? Optimus, don't do it...it's too self-less and counter productive! In fact, Prime is beginning to get his ass kicked and demands that Sam put the cube in his chest. Sam, however, doesn't like that plan and shoves it into Megatron's. Wait...what? Yeah...Sam just killed Megatron and destroyed the All-Spark all in one fell swoop. Are you kidding me? How in the bloody hell could he have even concieved that idea? Is Megatron's chest always open for things to just absorb into it? If this was possible, why wasn't it done earlier? It is apparently so easy to perform, why not just fucking do it in the first place?! I swear to God I just went insane...it just happened. I can't take this fucking movie anymore. You got it: the world is safe, the Transformers live amongst us humans on Earth, and Shia Ladouce is going to bone Megan Fox. There's your conclusion...I just saved you 20 minutes.

Transformers is one of the most insipid, malignant, juvenile movies I've ever seen. It's not enjoyable because the action is so painful to watch, or just boring all together, that it's not even worth watching for the giant robot fight-aspect. The story isn't "laughably bad," the story is a tremendous disaster the likes in which no one has ever seen. So many plot lines that are just created, for no other reason then to just be there because the movie needed to be longer, aren't even resolved. They are just tied into the main line and we are given a, "Yeah...just go with it" excuse for believing in all this. And...let's not forget the GAPING plot holes. Sam shouldn't even have been able to buy the car, the Deceptions can input viruses onto the most complex of computers, but cannot place a simple fucking bid on eBay, S7 can do whatever the fuck it wants, the cube is virtually the most worthless piece of techno-crap ever conceived, and Michael Bay's glorification of the military is disturbing to watch. I don't hate this movie...I loathe it. I wish that it would be the treatment the E.T. for the Atari 2600 got: dump those worthless things in the desert and bury them.

But you know what, I'll give the movie some credit for sort of rekindling that old Transformers feel: a sell out movie that had no purpose other than to, not really entertain, but suck money from the viewers. Let's face it, even the cartoons were almost as bumbling as this movie was. The animated movie, more so than the cartoon series...but it was still completely ridiculous. The difference is the fact that they were 1980 cartoons...this is a 2007 live action flick; I expected something different from the movie as a 20 year old, than I do as a child watching a cartoon. Although they are comparable in a sense, a resemblance of a story should have evolved, and it never did.

But ya know what? You can like this movie...go ahead. Melt your frontal lobes away with this garbage and use the excuse, "It's a good action flick." I call shenanigans. This movie blows. And you know what? So will the sequals it's bound to produce because YOU people will continue to make movies like this a hit. The credits have rolled and I can't take another minute...I need to go watch something competent; any chance Resident Evil will be on TV tonight?

Showtime Sports...The Man-Ram Experience has begun

2009-07-08T15:23:00.000-07:00

EDIT: Youtube took down the previous video 'cuz they are pussies. This is from dodgers.fandome.com.

Check out this, from the Dodgers/Mets game from 7/7/09. Manny Ramirez over exaggerates his displeasure with this iffy call. The ball was a bit outside, but it was close enough to call a strike. Besides, when you cheat, your strike zone becomes bias. Courtesy of NovaBBall20 (No, I don't know why he put "Right Round" on the vid) and MLB.com.

So it has begun. Just like he did in Boston, Manny has already begun quitting on his team just a few games after being reinstated. After the game, he said during his press conference that he was going to be taken out after 5 innings, anyway. Joe Torre, however, was not aware of Manny's early departure from the office. This event, by itself, is no big deal. But in the large picture of things, it's huge. Just look how he trots out to left field; his body language suggesting a lack of even caring. He knew he was gonna get ejected for it.

L.A. fans might not look too deeply into this, but trust me, I know all about problematic stars on one's team. When T.O. had that outburst in the 2004 match up with the Steelers, I should have seen what was bound to happen with him. We all know what happened after that. This is that same kind of deal. It started off with Manny beginning to do annoying, but harmless, things in Boston. Eventually, the team grew tired of him and how he continued to quit on his team. I don't blame them one bit...after awhile a player's ability can no longer over shadow his personality problem.

Enjoy your run now, Dodger fans, for this is a warning to you: Do not invest a great deal into Manny. Much like the superstars before him, his "Manny being Manny" act will become tiresome and he will be dealt away. You might think athletes like this will change...but you couldn't be more wrong.

If you have a sports related story you think needs a little more touched upon, hit me up on the comment wall. Mention "Brett Favre" or "Michael Vick," however, so help you God...thanks in advance!

Playing with my Wii: Super Mario Strikers Charged

2009-07-07T14:12:00.000-07:00

A few months back I was playing Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, which is a damn fine game by the way, yet I got tired of it. I needed a fast paced sports game that could entertain me for a while. Then I remembered about a game for the Gamecube titled Super Mario Strikers; it's basically soccer on steroids with Mario characters. Naturally, I had to pick up the Wii version of this game, and damn...it did not disappoint.

This isn't FIFA, by any stretch of the imagination. Let's just get that notion out of the way right now. In fact, it is never referred to as soccer, they have "Kritters" not goalies, and they don't use a soccer ball - it's called a striker ball. What is addicting about this game is the arcade-esque game play. Games are so fast paced and hard hitting, you have to really be on your game to win matches. I'll try to explain the basic concepts: first off, it's called "Charged" because they added a charging concept from the Gamecube version. The best way to score is to continually pass the ball around to your teammates and, subsequently, charge the ball; when the ball turns to a bright white color, a shot will be faster, harder, and have a higher success rate to beat the Kritter. There is also a new charge system for each character. Sidekick character (I'll explain in a bit) will use a specific skill shot that will have a high success rate of scoring, or incapacitate the Kritter, making a rebound score easier. Captain characters, however, use a Mega Shot as their charge shot. The Mega Shot is based off of a meter (similar to the old Madden Football kicking meters) where the power, or amount of balls shot, is measure followed by the accuracy and speed. It can be a huge game breaker because a player can score up to 6 goals with one shot. WHOA!

Let me quickly touch on the side kick characters, including Koopa, Dry Bones, Shy Guy, Birdo, Monty Mole, Hammer Bros., Boo, and Toad. Each character has specific traits, for example, Koopa is a balanced character: he is quick, has an average shot and his skill shot will incapacitate anyone who gets in the way. Hammer Bros., however, is slower but has a devastating shot ability and if his skill shot is done at a reasonably short distance from the goal, it will be an automatic score. A team is made up of 4 players, with the ability to completely customize the 3 sidekick characters.

Now, for the captain characters. Those are Mario, Luigi, Bowser, Bowser Jr., DK, Petey Pirahnna, Daisy, Peach, Diddy Kong, Yoshi, Wario, and Waluigi. Each character, as mentioned, does a Mega Shot for their charged shot. However, each character can acquire a special ability that can open up the game just as much. Mario, for example, will become giant and crush everyone around him. DK uses a thunderous crush to knock back any player around him. While Wario...well, Wario farts.

To...victory?

The game, for the most part is fun, furious, and fast paced. However, there is an issue with the game: the frustrating difficulty. When playing the campaign mode on the normal setting, you will completely demolish the opponents in the first two cup tournaments. The third cup...not so much. Not necessarily because the game is hard, but because at points in the game, the computer decides you aren't winning. I don't care what you do, how good you are...you're going to lose. Think, Madden franchise mode when you are 13-0 and the game decides that you can't go undefeated and stone walls you on every play. Except this is a fast paced game, and with only 3 minute matches, it can get out of game very quickly. This is a big problem, if only because it can put many people off from the game. But I fought through all the annoying playoff rounds (in which, if you lose, you have to re-do the entire season to qualify for the tourney again) and finally won. The only downside? After beating it on the Expert mode, the game rewards you with nothing more than the 3 unlockable characters (Diddy, Petey, and Bowser Jr.) that you can unlock on Normal mode. I guess I just wanted the bragging rights.

Anyway, let me wrap this up because I feel it went on too long. Let me just say that you need to play this game with some buddies, or get good and play online (yeah...it works online and it's fun). It's a great fast paced sports game that will entertain you for quite a while. Pick it up, by now it's a really cheap title. Now if you'll excuse me...I gotta go finish playing with my Wii.

In memoriam...

2009-07-06T13:28:00.000-07:00

Steve "Air" McNair
1973 - 2009

Shortened Show Blog...Lupe Fiasco's "Shining Down"

2009-07-02T23:22:00.000-07:00

New Lupe Fiasco tracks.

Your new tracks have been rendered irrelevant. The King of the Nerds has returned. FNF Up & Away! I can't WAIT for his new CD. Lupe is the absolute truth.

Playing with my Wii: The Conduit

2009-06-28T11:23:00.000-07:00

So I was in the process of working on 2 OTMR blogs, then I remembered the new Transformers flick was coming out. So now that one just got pushed up on the to do list. But I have to take a break from awfulness. I must par take in something competent. Not to take any kind of thunder from J.J., but I am a Nintendo Head. Please excuse my prolonged absence, now, let's talk video games.

I have a new addiction: playing The Conduit. The other day, I dropped by Game Stop (2nd time this year, I'm already over my 1 per year limit) and was planning on picking up Resident Evil 4 - Wii version. Well, conveniently enough, they had the Conduit still in stock. How could I resist? I picked it up...and haven't put it down in a week. Yeah...I'd say it's pretty damn good.

I'm not going to give you some in depth review, because that would be boring. I'm going to just go over some highlights of the game that I think make it a must have; or at least, a must play. Now I must say, that it doesn't, by any stretch of the imagination, re-invent the FPS genre. But that's ok, because it doesn't have to. What is on most people's minds are the controls: Can the Wii handle a FPS game's controls? What a stupid god damned question. Hello...have you played Metroid Prime 3? Medal of Honor Heroes 2? Of course the Wii can handle a FPS....and it does it like no other system can. The controls are fluent, responsive, and most importantly, fun to use. There isn't anything much better than realizing you just put a cap into the forehead of an alien because YOU aimed it there. I love it. Even using a melee attack, by thrusting the Wii-mote foward, is amusing.

The graphics are..well, Wii graphics. But hell, why are you buying a Wii game for the graphics? Since when has Nintendo cared about what their games look like? The NES, SNES, and N64 were all graphcially inferior to their competitors...they are still the best consoles of their time. Fuck you...graphics whore.

Campaign mode is nothing special. There is a weird focus on something called the A.S.E. (All Seeing Eye). It is some sort of relic that can do "unique things." The game utilizes it by hinting to you to use it to find secrets and locate nodes to pass through some doors. It really just serves as a worthless puzzle to solve...but there isn't really any significant focus on it other than, the villian wants it because...it's relevant? I don't know...the story is pretty base. But, hell, who cares? I didn't buy it for the story.

The big catch: Multiplayer. One thing the Wii has struggled to do is put on really good multiplayer titles. Disappointingly, you cannot play with another person locally. Note to game designers: Stop being douche bags. I do have real life friends and would like them to play the game with me IN THE SAME ROOM. I hate when games do that...stop doing that, now. Remember when you would stay up late playing video games? Yeah...bring it back. Having said that, the multiplayer is fun. I can't stop playing it. There are a few different game modes, the basic "Kill everything" mode, Team "Kill everything else" mode, and then Team Objective-which is just capture the flag. But, that is my favorite mode because of the custimization. Ranging from a 20 minute, two flag marathon mode, to the single flag mode which requires a lot of fighting off the opposing team to take control of the middle of the stage and run the flag back to your side. I won't go into great lengths about it, now. But I plan on gloating about it later...stay tuned.

Anyway...if you have a Wii, or know someone that does, get this game. Play it...you will have a blast, I assure you. Go get it...like, right now. It has taken every fiber of my being to pry myself away from that tantalizing machine to write this blog. Did you get it yet?

Next posting is OTMR. You're welcome for this.

Old Time Movie Rants 7: Xmen 3: The Last Stand

2009-06-23T17:08:00.000-07:00

My first dive into this blogging habit was X-Men Origins. But, let's face it, that wasn't the first X-men movie to bend over and take it. X-Men 3: The Last Stand is really the first one in the series to suck. I didn't like the first X-Men movie, but I did think X2 was greatly improved. So naturally, I had high hopes for the conclusion in the trilogy. There goes Hollywood...jizzing on my face, once again. Brett Ratner took the job away from Bryan Singer, who did the first 2 flicks. Why? I guess they weren't big enough hits. Well...they were certainly better than this crap. Think of X3 as Marvel's answer to the Return of the Sith. I have come full circle to layeth the smack down on this movie's candy ass. Let's get right in to it...

The flick opens up with Professor Xavier and Magneto visiting a young Jeane Grey, inviting her to join his school. She shows off her power by lifting every car in the neighborhood, and Stan Lee's water from his garden hose. Huh...3 minutes in and we already have our mandatory Stan Lee cameo. Xaiver offers his typical mantra, and that segways to a young Warren Worthington (Mutant name: Angel) who is in the bathroom trying to cut off the wings beginning to protrude from his back. His father barges into the bathroom (Dad, that's a big no-no. He could have had a stolen Playboy...that woulda been awkward) and sees what is going on then proclaims, "Oh no...not you too." Thanks, dad. Way to support me. Douche. Someone is gonna have some daddy issues...now, roll the opening credits!

Ya...daddy issues? Boo-Frickety-Hoo!

Now, in the "Not too distant future" (where they still employ Halle Barry in movies, apparently) our cast of heroes are running from something big. A big robot, perhaps. Storm notices that they aren't fairing too well against this monstrosity, so mandatory bad ass, Wolverine, has Colossus toss him at the head of the beast. Logan cuts off its head, and it turns out to be a Centinal. What? The movie thought it was better to NOT show the ultimate mutant killing machine, as explained in great detail throughout all the comics and cartoons? This movie is already facing a 0-1 start.

Storm is displeased with Logan's gung-ho attitude towards the training program...God only knows why. He's only been like that for 2 movies, Storm. That sends Logan away, and he finds Scott. Scott has just experienced a mental breakdown due to the loss of Jean. Poor Scott...oh well, at least the movie won't kill a main character like that off early after a blind attempt to get his love back. That would be stupid.

We cut to Washington, where Beast (The Secretary of Mutant Rights...or something) who is being briefed on the apprehension of Mystique. Nice bargaining chip, make sure you guys don't screw it up. Oh...and there has been a mutant cure developed by Warren Worthington (Angel's father). After a really stupid negotiating scene, uh...nothing happens, actually. I guess we've established that the X-men suck at training, Scott is upset, and Mystique is captured. Does the director understand that he has to solidify a plot point before creating a new one? I mean...leaving me hanging 'till later is fine, but damn movie, let's stick with something and expand on it.

Back at the school (ugh...I'm getting that Resident Evil cut-shot vibe going), Storm is upset again, this time because of the cure. She thinks that any mutant who would want to get this cure is nothing but a coward. A low down, dirty, coward. So in walks Rogue, a character, in this movie, that is better suited to Twilight rather than X-men.

Side rant...about Rogue. In all the movies, she has been nothing but a whiny little brat that has had zero, ZERO, character development. She is a one dimensional, annoying, selfish, and worthless character who doesn't even resemble the character from the cartoon. Rogue is supposed to be a stacked, southern female who can absorb other's life power, but also shoot fireworks out of her hands and fly. Where is all that? Huh? I guess because Rogue in the movie also has that white strip of hair, resembling that of the cartoon character, makes her the same. Fuck it...

These directors are dumber than a prairie dog crossing the highway, don't ya think, sugar?

Sorry, I forgot this movie is trying to establish a sustainable plot, we cut to a mutant rally where they are discussing the cure. The speaker suggests that they form a group to speak with the government in order to stop this madness. Magneto, however, finds that route a bit too bland. He proposes putting together a sort of brotherhood in order to fight back against the humans trying to exterminate the mutant race. Huzzah! He also recruits a mutant who can help him find Mystique. That's...very convenient. I sense another cut shot coming...

Yeah...called it. After a brief stint of Beast meeting Leech (the boy who is the source of the cure), we are taken to Scott fresh off his mental breakdown. He is riding his bike back to the lake where Jean gave her life in the previous movie. Continuous whispers of Jean's voice say "Scott" and it drives him crazy. A huge whirlpool is created in the water and a force knocks him back. Emerging from the water is...Jean! Yeah, no shit. Typical film move, bring back a dead character 'cause they don't have the balls to keep him/her dead. Scott asks her how she is still alive. Her response? "I don't know." Ha...20 bucks says the producers don't know either. Lazy ass writers. They share a kiss...and then Jean kills off the leader of the X-men. Fuck me this is stupid. They just killed off one of the main characters...the leader of the team. Yet Jean gets to come back due to the writers not able to come up with better plot elements. Anger...rising...

Fat Cat does an impersonation of the X3 writers.

Wolverine and Storm are sent to the lake after the Professor has an epiphany. The two find Scott's shades..floating in mid air, and they also find Jean, who is unconscious. They take her back to the Professor, and he explains that she survived because her powers, "Created a telekinetic cocoon that protected her." My ass...that's the best they can come up with? Xavier also explains that Jean Grey is practically a walking God and he put a mental block on her powers so she wouldn't blow up the Earth. Xavier should put a mental block on me, 'cause when I get angry at stupid movies I tend to destroy the world. Wolverine has a back and forth with X about the morals of him hindering Jean's powers...idiot. Logan, she can kill you all with a thought...Xavier did the right thing. Stick to being a killing machine and not doing any thinking. By the way...this is Jean's alter-ego, "The Phoenix."

The Phoenix and Zombie Jean Grey
They are NOT the same...idiots.

The plot comes crashing into the scene, and leads us back to the line that mutants are making at the building to get the vaccine containing the cure. On the other side of the street, however, are protesters, not very happy about this whole vaccine thing. I don't blame 'em. Inside the building, Angel is going to be the first mutant to receive the cure because he is a complete disgrace to his father. I don't blame his dad...if my son is a mutant, he'd better shoot death rays or stop time....ANYTHING besides growing angel wings. Just before he is about to receive the cure, he decides against it and breaks these chains of restraint...thus shattering the hold his father has on his life. Damn...that would be interesting if we had had these two in the movie for more than 2 minutes, so far. This movie not only has too many plot lines, it focuses on the wrong ones.

Daddy issues? You can't hold me down dad...I AM A MAN!

Magneto finally meets up with the convoy that is holding Mystique (among other mutants) and takes it over. Oooo...I hope we get to meet more characters that the audience can't get emotionally attached too. Following about 5 unnecessary corny lines, our new members of the Brotherhood are: James Mavericks (Multiple Man) - he agrees to join the club after zero persuasion...nice, Jane Marco (The Juggernaut). And, yes, I do plan on making a "I'm the Juggernaut" joke later. The crew is very confident with their new additions, that is, until a security guard puts a dart into Mystique and un-mutates her. Yeah...they just eliminated another main mutant. There aren't enough facepalm pictures to use here so to express my complete displeasure. Movie, you can't just continue to eliminate main characters from the movie as you wish. At this rate, Professor X is going to get the hook. Please don't do it...regardless, Magneto drops Mystique like a crazy girlfriend. Harsh.

We have a brief scene with Beast that accomplishes nothing before catching up with Jean and Wolverine. I must have switched on to Skinemax, because Jean mounts Logan like she's in a cheap porno. The foreplay scene doesn't last, however, because Logan remembers he has E.D. Right...the animal-like mutant curbed his primal instinct to ram her on the table because of logic. Jean, upset that she is left cold, storms out and...another worthless scene down the drain. This movie is really achieving a lot. Professor X is pissed at Logan for bringing an end to the world by releasing the most powerful mutant inside Jean Grey. So Xavier heads to..uhh...her house? Ok...and is met their by Magneto, who is there to recruit Jean (Now to be referred to as Phoenix) to the Brotherhood. He's goal orientated.

After a few bumps coming from the house, Logan decides he's going in. Ok...that garners a worthless fight scene between him and Storm, versus the Shmucks from the Brotherhood, naturally, right? Juggernaut tosses Logan around, doesn't Logan know who he's fighting? While the 5 brawl over...purpose not given, Phoenix begins levitating the house, and Xavier. Movie, what are you thinking? Yeah...you guessed it: The movie kills off ANOTHER main character. Christ's sake, who the hell is going to be left for the final act? This is worse than when the Transformers (1986) animated movie killed off all its characters to issue a new line of toys. Have any of these character's dismissals even led to a realization or important development? Can..erm...could Professor Xavier walk? Exactly.

2 tasteless jokes in these many minutes...still, it is more respectful than what the movie did to him.

Movie has a mandatory funeral scene in which I'm supposed to care. Movie, you just killed off the catalyst for the entire X-men series. I'm not sad he's dead, I'm upset the writers are still breathing. Since teenage sorrow and romance is the reason I dig this movie, Iceman takes Kitty (Who is NOT 19...she looks 12), I swear to God, ice skating. Nice move, dope. Like your girlfriend ISN'T watching you flirt with this under aged chick. This is almost as mind boggling as that scene in Spider man 3 when Peter kissed that girl when he KNEW M.J. was watching. Did these 2 directors go to the same party school? Idiots. Of course, this whole thing angers Rogue, so she decides this is the last straw. The straw that broke the camels back. The straw that...sucks like this movie. Hey, bad blogging for bad dialogue, people. Rogue is going to go get the cure. What's are character casualty list at? I lost count after Cyclops.

Note: We are half way through the movie; the 57 minute mark. What have we accomplished? Help your neighbor, the answer is: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! God this movie sucks.

Get it?

After some more 7th Heaven-esque teenage drivel, we catch up with our pal Magneto in the woods with a whole army of non-complacent mutants. I'd explain all the nothing-ness that goes on in this scene, but I don't care. Another part that just dies off with no purpose...like all the characters in this God forsaken thing. It's an analogy for itself. Sorry...I got caught up in the hate, back to whatever plot line we are in. Right, Magneto issues a threat, Pyro blows up the building where the cure is in a terrorist act, and the army is getting strapped for a battle. There, you're caught up. Time for more delusional actions from Logan...he wouldn't bang Jean, but he'll try and save the Phoenix. Ass. Wolverine storms Magneto's tree huggers group in a forest and, whoa, and honest to goodness action sequence? Yeah...it's short lived, but at least we finally have one. Though, it only lasts until Wolverine walks in on Magneto holding his Klan meeting with the Brotherhood, hyping up his army for some cross burnings..or human killings, whichever. But then, oops, Wolverine once again is caught by Magneto and they have a conversation that is SO close to having God's honest character development it's scaring. Wolverine calls out Magneto for not comprehending the Phoenix's powers and for not helping his friend Xavier. You know, he's got a point. Magneto befriended Xavier, even though they stood for different things; he never wanted the Professor dead. So he could convince her to join his clan, but not hesitate to kill off Xavier? I'm calling shenanigans...oops, sorry, times up. Scene over...we need more shots of Zombie Jean Grey standing around trying to make dramatic faces. ACTING AT IT'S FINEST!

The army has put together a task force to ambush Magneto, but to their dismay, the entire group they located happens to only be Multiple Man. I can't believe the movie actually found a purpose for him...I guess this will be the last we see of him. Hold the phone, though, where's Magneto really at? I'll tell you after the X-men suit up and have poorly written inspirational dialogue. Gotta love that the best force they can put together is Wolverine, Storm, Beast, Iceman, Colossus, and..ugh...Kitty. Truly these are the greatest heroes available! Right, Magneto's location...he's on the Golden Gate Bridge. What's he doing? Oh...just levitating it over to Alcatraz Island...that's all. Yeah, actually it is a really cool effect. Funny that Phoenix didn't just levitate them all over to the island...but that's not my beef with this scene. My problem is the fact that it commits what, might be, one of the worst oversights ever. Notice how when Magneto first lifts the bridge it's clearly daylight, and when he travels the short few thousand feet to the island, it's completely dark. Did anybody pay attention to this movie when it was being edited? THINK!

More lack of thinking sure to come with the climatic battle underway, I bet. Magneto sends his worthless associates first, which is smart, especially since he finds out the hard way that the humans switched to plastic guns. You know, there is a reason that guns are metal; a plastic gun wouldn't be able to fire that many times, or at a high velocity, because it would fracture due to the stress created from the combustion's pressure or the thermal reaction. Besides, Magneto's power is quite...well...powerful. The army is shooting out syringes containing the cure. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't the syringes being used have to have metal tips? Yeah...so why can't he control the direction of the needles? No...the movie would rather have Arclight (A transvestite mutant) target the weapons with her/his shock wave. Right...the random blast of distorted air should be accurate. By the power of plot convenience, it works.

In case you're wondering, yes, the Phoenix is STILL just standing there.

The X-men finally land and begin fighting off the seemingly endless horde of mutants. Ugh...even the action sequences in this flick blow. I couldn't be more disinterested...and where did the army go? Did they only bring one set of weapons, and are now rendered worthless? Maybe mutants should just take over. While the battle brews, Juggernaut is sent to capture Leech, and kill the boy. But not if Kitty has a say in it! Yeah...Kitty vs. Juggernaut, who ya got? Doesn't Kitty know who he is...?

Yeah...he does use that line which, admiringly, is pretty funny. After chasing Kitty through the building, they finally reach Leech. How does Kitty defeat the almighty Juggernaut? By making him run at them, then moving out of the way, but still being close enough for Leech to suck his powers, making Juggernaut headbutt the wall and knock himself out. Lame. That's ok, though, because Magneto is busy tossing cars at the army. I don't know, I guess this is the final phase of the plan. What isn't part of his plan, probably, is his best fighting mutants getting easily disposed of, then him getting tricked by Wolverine and Beast. After a diversion created by Logan, Beast stabs Magneto with syringes containing the cure...turning him human. Oh the irony. He plays more mind games with Phoenix, however, tricking her into attacking the entire island. Is she the most naive person ever? For being the closest thing to God on Earth...she ain't not dat bright. Ya heard?

The directors haven't actually included Phoenix in the movie for awhile, so they decided to put her into the most over the top, uncessary, albeit cool, special effects display ever. Phoenix begins to completely destroy the island and all the people in it. While most evacuate in time, Wolverine stays because he is the only one who can stop her. How is that? Well...because the way she kills people is by ripping them into dust, he can heal before that happens, which he does. After having an emotional scene...he puts some anamantium in her chest via his claws. Sweet...the world is safe for democracy. One complaint, though: Why didn't Wolverine just inject her with the cure? Hello...McFly! Anybody home? Being a human is better than being dead! Movie...for the love of filmaking...THINK!

I know the feeling, buddy.

The final act closes with what the movie thinks is resolution, but it isn't. In fact, we have resolved nothing. I'm dead fucking serious, the biggest plot hole OF ALL TIME happens at the end. Remember how the entire movie, Magneto is a wanted terrorist? Yeah, well the final scene consists of him playing chess, by himself, in the park and somehow making one of the pieces move slightly. Again, movie, THINK! He should be, you know, in fucking jail! How did anyone over look this? This is not only an awful way to hint to a sequal, but one of the worst continuity errors I've ever seen. I'm sorry...this just begs me to do it...

This movie is teh pain!

X3 is an awful, poorly scripted, awfuly written, shitties pieces of movies I've ever had the displeasure of paying to see. This damn movie can't even get it's plot straight, because it tries to create far too many plot lines. It's unbelieveable how bad this movie was directed; it reminds me of Resident Evil 3 the way that it jumps back and forth with it's plot lines. Not to mention the writing...oh the writing. The dialogue actually isn't talking, it's more like a string of cliche lines just put together. It's really just brain numbing to even listen to. The acting isn't any better, but the actors aren't that bad; I blame the stupid script and base directing. It kills off major characters, only to lead to NOTHING - no character evolutions, no important devleopments, NOTHING. I've seen cop buddy movies with better character development than this movie. Fuck me this is bad...and you know what? It's finally over...if, in fact, they make more of these X-men movies, I'll be there. I'll be waiting to destroy your flick. You will stand no chance. May God have mercy on you, your cast, your plot, your script, and your soul...because I'm coming for you. For now, roll the credits...

Shortened Show Blog...Jay-z's "D.O.A."

2009-06-21T09:35:00.000-07:00

Check out Jay-Z's DOA- Death of Autotune.

Not bad at all. Lately, hip hop has been in the shitter. I love all kinds of music, but recently there hasn't been a good rap CD since Lupe's "The Cool." With artists like Lil' Wayne, T-Pain, and every other awful excuse for a musician making tracks that sound like I could do better, I'm glad that someone has finally made a note to say, "Fuck using Autotune."

Just something I felt like posting...'cuz fuck it, that's why. Good tune...can't wait for his Blueprint 3 CD to come out. Maybe I can start enjoying hip hop again, without putting in old CDs. Happy Father's Day...next OTMR coming soon.

Old Time Movie Rants 6: Disturbia

2009-06-18T14:55:00.000-07:00

In 1954, one of the greatest suspense/horror film directors of all time, Alfred Hitchcock, directed a Rear Window. A movie based off of the short story written by Cornell Woolrich. The movie told a story about a photographer who was temporarily wheel chair-ridden and decided to look upon his next door neighbors while he healed. The man eventually found out that one of his neighbors had killed his wife. After a few exciting elements, the climax was a confrontation between the murderer, and the photographer, in which the wheel chair-ridden man came out victorious; leading to the killer's arrest. It is still considered one of the greatest mystery/suspense films to the day.

Now, many other pop culture outlets have taken Hitchcock's classic and adapted it to their own shows. There was a 1998 remake of Rear Window, where Christopher Reeve played a paralyzed man (good casting), instead of a man with broken legs. Not to mention a Simpsons' episode. Obviously, other directors love to pay homage to classic movies that have built the foundation of what we enjoy today, however, there is a difference between giving credit through imitating and just completely ripping off. Enter: Disturbia.

Disturbia stars one of my all-time Shit Listers, Shia LaDouche. You know, the guy in such classics like, I, Robot, Eagle Eye, and Transformers. Honestly, not only do I think he's a terrible actor...he always comes off like such a douche. Hence the name, I guess. Anyway, Disturbia does not pay homage to Rear Window as other outlets, but completely rips it off. How does this movie bend over a nostalgic favorite? Let's take a look...

The flick opens up with Kale (Shia) fishing with his father in a body of water. He almost catches one but, ohhh...so close. This is nice. No really, the movie has done a good job in the first few minutes establishing an emotional attachment between father and son with the audience. After completing the manly excursion, dad and Kale are talking to mom on the drive home when an SUV passes by their car. What a dick head. Kale follows behind him (much too close, it appears) when the SUV suddenly swerves and Kale tries to avoid a incapacitated car, but fails, and the car flips over. The two seem to have escaped with no injuries, until a red truck blasts through their car. The father is killed. Wow...way to create an opening sequence, movie. Still, I have a beef with this film. Why didn't the father insist Kale, clearly a young driver, to stop riding the SUV's bumper? Why did the SUV wait until the LAST possible second to swerve, was he not paying attention, either? Finally, the red truck, too, doesn't even seem to slow down. It's a small 2-lane road...were they driving with their eyes closed? Just sayin'...

Movie transitions to a year later, where Kale is sleeping in his Spanish class. His teacher, whom happens to be the biggest Hispanic prick you can find, asks Kale if he did his homework. After not getting the answer he wanted he asks, "What would your father think?" Bad move. Kale gives him a right hook Manny Pacquio would be proud of. Unfortunately for him, that lands him 3 months house arrest; there goes his Summer vaca. Still...the teacher deserved it. That teacher is an ass hole.

Get it?

So the house arrest thing doesn't seem like that bad of a gig for a teenager and it starts off well. He is pwning n00bs on XBox Live quite effectively that is, until it gets canceled. Oh God...no more XBox?! You're cruel, mom! Not only does she ex-nay the XBox, she cancels his Itunes account, so now Shia can't download the Jonas Brothers' new smash hit, "Fuck you, Shia." He tries to pass time by watching soft core porn, scratching at his ankle bracelet, and doing housework in the most half-ass of ways. Mom even cut the cord to his TV! She is foul demoness. Actually, what gets me is Kale's reaction. He should be in jail right now, yet he feels like his mom owes him something. Kale, get into character: You're a felon...act like it and get to work. After a bored segment, he notices people moving in next door and catches a glimpse of a young attractive female. He made the same face when he first saw Megan Fox's character in Transformers...it's his acting face. The ring of the doorbell breaks his concentration and he finds a bag on fire. Kale, don't step on it...you know it's dog shi...ugh...he stepped on it. In an enraged stupor, he chases after the kids, but realizes he is outside of the safe-zone radius and scurries back to his front yard. He thinks he has made it safely, but darn those anti-climaxes, the cops pull up. Let me tell you something, these must be the finest officers around; that wasn't even a full minute between the bracelet going off and the cops showing up. As it turns out, the cop that is watching over Kale happens to be his Spanish teacher's cousin. Oops...naturally, the cop humiliates Kale in front of the entire neighborhood by cuffing him. Tough guy.

Not wanting to see Officer Gutierez, again, Kale puts a border that marks out where he cannot cross. And now, ladies and gents, let the voyeurism begin. Kale begins to observe all his neighbors...except the new chick (Ashley), who he just watches her get dressed, do yoga, and swim. You know...I'm getting a "Teen movie" alert. The movie started off with great character connections, but between these hormonal and boredom driven sequences and his goofy friend (Ronnie), I'm losing interest. Speaking of losing interest, where's the plot? The progression of any story has been absent for about 20 minutes. Movie...advance story line if you aren't going to make the characters more interesting.

Hearing my pleas, the movie injects the element of a local kidnapping that has been connected to a previous string of homicides. An A.P.B. was put out for a blue Mustang with a dent on the front bumper. Ironically enough, Kale's neighbor, Robert Turner, happens to have a whip that matches that description. End plot element...we need more shots of Ashley in her bikini. Ashley takes a dip, but then catches Kale and Ronnie spying on her.

James Bond he ain't...

So she reacts like every other teenage girl after finding out she's getting spied...she heads on over to hang out with the two creepy guys. Not only that, but she has no problem going along with Kale's theory of Turner being behind the kidnapping. She even suggests a steak out. The bad acting is not helping this story any, guys...this isn't Cinemax; T&A can't save this movie. Much...

The Tremendous Trio (As opposed to Dynamic Duo...get it? Ugh...sorry) gather their spy gear, while Ashley reads some articles about how the killer mangled his victim's bodies and stuffed them in his walls. Ugh...could you imagine the smell? How grotesque is this sociopath? Well...Scooby Doo Crew decide not to worry about those silly details and instead order a pizza. Maybe calling this movie a Rear Window rip off was too presumptuous of me. It's not nearly as interesting.

After pizza, Turner is seen bringing home a chick. After a few of those "It looks like he's gonna kill her, but doesn't now let's all laugh" moments, Ashley heads out. Kale goes back to his voyeurism because, let's face it, that's all he can do. He sees the brat kids from earlier watching porn. Thanks for foreshadowing the revenge, movie...we get it. Then, something exciting happens; the chick at Turner's is seen freaking out and getting chased around the house by Turner. Kale records it and expects the worst, but then notices the woman's car leaving a few seconds later. She wasn't running for her life, Kale, she just realized that the guy she is about to blow is old enough to be her grandfather. Seriously, the dude looks like Hanible Lector's brother. What's even worse, come the next morning, is that Kale's mother's car got a flat and Turner helped her out. He appears in their kitchen acting pompous. Douche...I know you're the killer, Turner, the movie isn't capable of complex character and plot developments. Your presumptuousness can't fool me.

Creep, right? Well the movie thinks we need more building of the love interest. Guys, a great aspect of Rear Window was that the character already had his love interest. The point wasn't developing HIS character...it was supposed to show how people react. The true inner workings of the human interactions. Disturbia is failing in that aspect, and it's no more evident because now we focus back on Kale and Ashley's newly found love interest. Ashley is having a party, Kale can't go so he gets jealous and blasts his music over to her's in order to screw it up. Dude, lighten up. You wanna party? Next time don't give your Spanish teacher el righto hooko. Actually, this scene is funny if only because it is so mischievous and quirky. But, it really doesn't fit with the fact that, just a few minutes ago, you were trying to convince me the neighbor is a psychopath. See where I'm goin' with this? The movie takes 1 step forward and 2 steps back. It's getting on my last nerves...

Chris Brown beat talent into one Distubria...think he can go 2 for 2? What...too soon?

Anyway, Ashley comes over to confront why Kale is being such a douche. Faced with the question from Ashley of, "What does he look at when he spies on the neighborhood." Wait...I can answer that one.

Actually, Kale has a realization. A proverbial coming of age where he explains that Ashley isn't vein, no, she has special qualities that transcend most. The movie finally discovers what it really should be the root of this movie, the true scope of the human interactions. Then they kiss and he gets to second base. I feel like I dove into the shallow end of the pool: it seemed fun at first, but ended in pain. But before Kale can drop the panties, Ashley hears a commotion coming from Turner's. She notices blood spatter on the windows and him dragging a heavy bag into the garage. Holy shit, movie...way to break up the scrumping. It really is so jarring...to, at one moment see them making out, and then a sudden cut to blood getting spewed across a window to a screeching orchestra. Weird.

Because they now believe he is truly a killer, the 3 device a plan to get into his car and acquire his garage door opener in order to gain access to Turner's house. What's the plan? Ashley follows Turner to the hardware store to follow him, Kale plays commander and relays Ashley's info to Ronnie who is, I swear to God, picking Turner's lock in the middle of the daylight. Good call...I'm sure the close knit community won't notice. Tragically, Ashley loses Turner in the store after she bumps into a girl she knows...I think. The back-and-forth is weird:
Ashley: *Bumps into girl, drops phone*
Woman: "Oh...hi, Ashley!"
Ashley: "Oh hi....Skinny-Minny."
Woman: "Where did you hear that name?"
And scene...

Yeah, I don't get it either. Anyway, Ashley gets into her car and tries to find Turner and...oh...she does. He stands right in front of her car, climbs in, and "kindly" asks her and her friends to stop following him. Ashley...tell him to GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOU CAR. Guys...I'm trying not to use anymore "face palm" picks, but these movies make it so hard to resist. Following that ordeal, Ashley thinks they should call off the spying, but she isn't under house arrest. Kale has none of that and, luckily, has a reason to break into Turner's crib. Oh...but before I tell you that, here's a question for you, movie: Ashley was the one who saw the blood on the window, why is she the one to give up? Isn't the proof up until this point convincingly pointing toward the conclusion that Turner is, in fact, a homicidal maniac? Think about it, hero.

Back to the rant...Ronnie, being the oblivious Asian he is, dropped his phone in Turner's car so now he needs to go get it. Kale hooks him up with a camera and the hacked garage door opener and sends Ronnie in. Kale, you're a coward. Stop sending your lone friend into...actually, Ronnie is annoying, I hope he gets butchered. He gets his phone, and then locates bloody rags. Nasty. Then the garage door closes and, instead of re-opening it and running, he runs in the house. Most...illogical. Kale fears for his friend so he darts out and over to Turner's. Why doesn't he just call the cops? If he leaves...nevermind...idiot. He bangs at the door, bat in hand, and then the cops show up. Duh. The cops cuff him and are ready to take him, but Kale tells them that Ronnie is still inside and Turner has a dead body in the house. Well, the body turns out to be a deer. He cut up a deer and kept it in his garage? What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Clearly he is crazy. Ok...that's one question answered, but where's Ronnie? Yeah...the cops really don't look into that one too much. Ronnie ends up escaping somehow and heads back over to Kale's.

An entire night of false assumptions leads to Kale's mom worrying that Turner might press charges, so she heads over to explain and apologize. Ronnie hooks up his camera to the computer so he can show how cool his escape from Turner's was. While watching his mother converse with Turner, Kale notices something on the video: the face of a decaying body. Oh shit...I KNEW IT! Turner is a psycho...Turner is a killer...Turner is...in the house. Yeah, after taking a pipe to Ronnie's face, he goes after Kale. They have a scuffle which ends up in Kale getting duct tapped. But don't worry, Ashley shows up and helps out. They run out of the house, triggering the bracelet to go off. Gutierrez is called to the scene, but like the excellent law enforcer he is, has to finish his burger before responding. Very responsible of him.

Disturbia's crack law enforcer: Police Chief Wiggum!

Kale searches the house, all at once revealing what we already know. Officer Wiggum is not far behind, too bad Turner jumps out of a corner and snaps his neck. Is Turner an ex-military guy? Movie...you have established that he can take a guy much younger than him and has black-ops skills, but you never told us how. Thanks for that. Never the less, Kale makes his way down to the most creepiest of dungeons this side of Silence of the Lambs. Kale locates his mother and frees her from the restraints, but she falls backwards into the arms of Turner. That sly bastard...I guess he wanted 5 different ways to get into this dive, huh? Regardless, him and Kale duke it out, with dale shoving a pair of giant garden sheers into his chest. Take that, bitch!

Hurray! Kale saved his mom, Ronnie is safe, the killer is dead and his victims avenged. Oh...of course the most important thing, Kale gets the chick. How could we have a movie with LaDouce end WITHOUT him getting a girl? Ugh...

This is far from the worst movie I've seen. Hell, it's not even Shia's worst. But the fact that it completely bit off one of my favorite director's work is what puts this shitter over the top. Don't get me wrong, this movie blows. Shia has exactly 2 different levels of emotion: serious with a side of awe, and stupid dry humor expressions. The movie, aside from being a rip off, is nothing more than a gory teen movie. Within the first hour of the movie, you know the plot. You know that Turner is the killer and will get his in the end. There is never any guess. But that's not the soul problem, instead of creating more conflict between the community, Ashley, Ronnie, the mother, or anybody else...the movie just glazes over issues. Why wouldn't Ashley be more suspicious after the crazy hops in her car? Why wouldn't the cops even look for Ronnie, regardless of whether he broke in or not, they would look. Oh...and c'mon...Ronnie caught the smell of 1 dead deer in the garage as soon as he opened it. When the cops walked in the front, they would smell the multiple bodies decaying in the walls.

Like I mentioned, Rear Window isn't about scaring you, it's about putting you in suspense. This movie never does this. If you don't believe it's a rip off...you're an idiot. The Sheldon Abend Revocable Trust (The owners of the original story) ended up suing DreamWorks for the theft of intellectual property. This movie is not only a rip off, but a poor attempt at capturing a classic. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take my self-righteous, novelty loving ass and going to check out more painfully awful movies. Yeah...I'm outta jokes....so....

Old Time Movie Rants 5: Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000

2009-06-14T12:39:00.000-07:00

I feel dirty. Not the "Just played a game of football" dirty...the "I can't believe I just had sex with THAT" dirty. When I think of movies to destroy, I try to think of those that are bad, but have redeeming qualities. Battlefield Earth has none. Sci-Fi movies usually call for a suspension of belief; meaning that you have to just accept what the movie is telling you because it's supposed to be outlandish. In this case, there is no exception for the amount of mind-boggling scenarios. Put on your Scientology hats...let's get crazy, let's get nuts!

The movie starts off with 3 paragraphs of green computer text telling us that aliens from the planet Psychlo have enslaved humanity and have ruled the Earth for 1000 years. To bring home that point, we then meet a tribe of people who have hunkered themselves on the side of a mountain. This is where we meet Chrissy and begin the first storyline of the movie: A love interest. Ugh...so Chrissy is worried that her lover will not return by dusk and get captured by the demons that roam the land. Don't worry, though, the young intrepid returns on his white stallion. I guess he just rode from the mountain side, because he doesn't travel through the front gate. Nice blockade this village has, here. This hippie's name is Jonnie, and he does not quite believe in these demons. I guess the desolate environment, seclusion, and complete lack of any other group of people wasn't a big enough tip off for this guy; at least the movie picked a competent hero. Regardless, he goes out in search for...subject not given, and finds 2 other fearless humans. They all find themselves in a mall and feast upon some jerky, or something, and all is well. Until, uh oh...a demon has come from no where and begins stalking them. At the speed of a fucking slug, he manages to still capture them and they all are sent to a concentration camp.

Here, we get our first look at the Pschlos and...oh my God. I think the producers made sure they would make them look as ridiculous as possible. They look like Klingons that just strapped on more gear until it's unbearably bulky. Here, take a look for yourself:

How do you say, "Stupid fucking costumes" in Klingon?

Ok, so those are our antagonist, ladies and gents. Anyway, Lil' Jonnie makes a break for it and escapes his cage, grabs a gun, and pops a cap in a Psychlo with his own weapon. You'd think this would get the attention of someone...but he continues to run right past countless aliens. That is, until he runs in the Pyschol-John Travolta! So after all that running, Jonnie, you're still headin' to the slave line, pal.

After a scene of oppression, a Psychlo of importance, who's name is not given, comes to presumably give Travolta, or Terl, his transfer off of Earth. Please give it to him...make this movie end quicker. They have pointless dialogue about what a dog is and why it is superior to the human race, but is curiously unable to work like the "Man-Animals." These idiots are the ones that take over the Earth? Christ they're stupid. Anyway, Terl is denied his request for leaving Earth because, well, Psychols are real dick heads to each other. Our antagonist just got antagonized.

We now get a shot at Planet Psychlo...and they call our planet a dump. Anyway, Terl can't take denial well, so he decides to hit the booz (read: Mountain Dew in a fancy cup) and bitch about how good he is, and how much his associate, Ker, sucks. These are really some of the dumbest fucking names...EVER. And then...oh...I guess this scene is over.

Back at the Slave's Inn, Jonnie and some other shmuck get into a fight over who gets to eat the green, moldy, jello first. This is some riveting stuff, guys...I'm on the edge of my seat. What purpose does this scene have? None, of course...that's why we get a cut to see Terl and Ker argue over a location of gold that Ker tried to hide from Terl. Oh...I forgot to mention, the Psychlos' entire purpose for being on Earth is to mine for gold, because apparently, Psychlos love goooooollld. The look of it, the taste of it, the texture of it. They love it so much they would even smelt their dreadlocks in gold. Why gold? Why are you even asking...? Anyway, the large gold mine cannot be reached because there are large amounts of uranium in the location, and Psychlos cannot go anywhere near radiation. Oh my God...the acting is so bad it's just starting to get surreal. I guess Ker was going to betray Terl and claim all the gold for himself...I don't know...this entire scene, it feels like Travolta and Forest Whitaker (Ker) are reading their lines off of prompters just off screen. It hurts...SO BAD.

"I am vrom Psychlo, isn't dat veird?!"

So the scene ends and transitions, and like every other transition in this Hell Spawn movie, is the two vertical lines that sweep out and dissolve the screen. I feel like I'm watching a power point. What the fuck did they use to edit this? Windows Movie Maker? They must have blown the budget on props and costumes and didn't have enough for quality editors.

FX Editors of Battlefield Earth would like to extend their thanks to DeVry for such great training!

Anyway, Terl has devised a plan to the High-Poomba of the business to allow man-animals (that still sounds so damn stupid) to mine for golllddddd by warning this guy of an imminent uprising amongst the Psychlo workers. Terl warns that if the workers don't get paid, they will no longer work. Of course, the High-Poomba (I guess his name is "The Planetship") thinks that employeeing NEW workers, and paying them less, will be a better idea. Ker, wisely, corrects him by mentioning that it would still cost more money to do that. He is insulted with, "Did you not attend economics at The Academy?" Well, I did dumb shit...and if you can pay your workers less, do it! How would bringing in new workers be better? Let the humans do you work! Of coure, the Psychlos can't comprehend this, even though their entire culture is built on making money, and the Planetship denies Terl's option. If the acting and character design wasn't bad enough, these supposed galactic rulers can't even grip basic Macroeconomic fundamentals. Anger...rising...

Before we move on, I have to note this: the reason the Psychlos don't use the humans in anything but basic labor is because the human race is now dwindled down to cavemen like stupidity (which, I guess isn't that much different than now) and can't speak Psychlo. The Psychlos believe the humans are untrainable, unsophisticated, creatures that cannot handle machinery. A flaw from the producers: Humans can be seen operating machinery throughout the shots. Did they even try? Back to the rant...

*Corny Power Point Tranisition*

I guess the directors, so indulged in this invigorating plot, forgot that there was a human element to this story, and we need Jonnie to escape. The following is more evidence that the Psychols are complete idiots: a low flying ship hits a random tower and a piece falls over on a crowd of slaves. Luckily for us, Jonnie's ankle chain is broken and he takes off. Before he can make it too far, however, he gets shot and stunned. The guards wisely deduce that he is untrainable, and should be terminated. Like most villains, they have to be overly complicated about it...so let me explain another thing in this movie: every character in the movie has breathing apparatus on Earth. Why? I DON'T KNOW! It's never explained, it's just a given that they need these things to breath...and that's it. I don't know what's in the atmosphere, or if there is an atmosphere, but they can't breathe without it. Continuity out the shitter, here, folks. Anyway, the guards take Jonnie somewhere else and take off his masks, then proclaim, "He won't survive more than 4 minutes." Keep that in mind. Jonnie runs, gasping for air, trying to get some air from another human. The guards catch up with him, so Jonnie takes off again. And what does the movie do? Breaks the action sequence to give us more awful dialogue from Terl and Ker. Fucking stupid.

Sticking with what's on the screen, I guess...Terl records Ker explaining this brilliant plan. So now Terl has a fall guy and "Levage" over Ker. Leverage...ugh...he says that word a lot. I wonder how much leverage I could get if I take a Ryan Howard swing at Terl's head with a bat? Ker is a fucking idiot...and that's saying something when comparing him to the rest of the species.

Not to jar the audience, or anything, but now we're back running with Jonnie. Hey...aren't those 4 minutes up, yet? Regardless, he ducks through sewers, evading the stupidly slow Psychlo guards, but ends up at a dead end. When the two guards, somehow, corner him it looks like we get to go home early. See, guys? No need to go James Bond when killing a character....just shoot him! But, being a dumb movie, Jonnie is able to bounce their shots back at them and kill them....with a shard of glass. He wielded the thing like it's a fucking light sabre...actually, this is a scene so base that I think George Lucas would admire it.

"Fuck off, movie should. Mmm...asinine it is."

Terl and Ker were, apparently, taking a stroll through the sewers and liked the resourcefulness of Jonnie. Terl decides this could be a human to use for golllldddd drilling, but he needs "leverage" over it. You need leverage over the slave? Ugh...well, how does he plan to get leverage? By letting Jonnie, and a select few other humans, think they escape and then watching what the EAT. Once he knows what they like to eat, he will offer it to them and gain leverage on them. Anger...still...rising. Terl, clearly the human race is an evolved species. They communicate, they learn, we have thumbs! Do you realize how stupid your plan is? Fuck me this is AWFUL.

After 3 days of running, the 3 humans (Jonnie, and 2 other nameless bums) think they have gotten far and decide to eat. In a run down building, Jonnie captures a rat and eats it...raw. Jonnie, eating a disease infested rat would kill you unless you cooked it. Fuck-tard. Terl and Ker, watching the humans in secret, deduce that humans enjoy eating raw rat. Why? Because, "Clearly they could have gotten anything they wanted, and they chose rat." I'm calling shenanigans, movie, no way there is any sustainable food around in a building, that has been desolate for 1000 years, that the humans can eat. But raw rat? C'mon...

So the humans are re-captured, and Jonnie is taken to a machine that will send knowledge of the universe into his head. Maybe Terl should put his own head in that machine. So this is his big plan? Educate the slave? I'm sure nothing wrong will go with this, buddy...you dope.

Well, with his new found wisdom, Jonnie sits with his fellow slaves and explains to them mathematics. The group looks on like a classroom full of Elkton High Students, gazing mindlessly at the symbols drawn on the floor. Humans don't even know what a fucking triangle is...I'm going to remember that, I bet this movie will open up a segment for me to make a joke out of that. Anyway, Terl gets the Dumbass of the Year award for giving an imbecile the knowledge to upend the Psychlo rule. Moron.

With his new ability to understand Klingon..I mean...Psychlo, Jonnie locates the armory and the group of humans acquire some weapons and plan for a surprise attack. Of course, the movie doesn't like a flowing story line, so...

*Movie decides to stray away from main story line because it's time to re-inject the love story. And then for no reason, ends the scene...*

Back at the Love Shack, Terl believes that his plan is complete fail, so he is ready to kill Jonnie. But wait, Jonnie CAN speak Klingo and gets the jump on Terl and Ker. Unfortunately, the weapons are not loaded and the human's plan has, also, fallen flat on its face. Is everyone a moron in this movie? CHECK THE GUN...for Christ's sake. Angry that Jonnie tried to get...leverage...against him, Terl chokeslams Jonnie to the ground. God, he does this constantly through the movie. If he was a wrestler in the WWF, his finishing move would be the "Travolta Chokeslam."

Dramatization:
-"Christianity is the only way to save your soul!"
-"NO! Scientology is superior *Travolta Chokeslam*"

Terl takes Jonnie to the Denver Library to explain when the Psychlos attacked Earth, the humans could only fight them off for 9 minutes. There's so much wrong with that statement...it's pathetic - 20 bucks says that statement comes back to hurt this movies continuity. Jonnie looks through a book that says, "The Declaration of Independence" while this uprising orchestra play. He reads a book, and then Terl slams it shut. I don't understand this sequence...thank God it's over just as quickly as it started. I guess to further the suffocating of the human uprising, Terl takes the humans to an open field and shows off his marksmanship by shooting cows. Ok...then some natives come and have Terl at gun point, but doesn't shoot him because he has some awful plan worked out, Terl has captured Chrissy (Jonnie's bitch), but blows up some other poor sap's head instead. It's such a boring sequence that just could have been summed up with much better screen play. The producers must have been too busy jerking off...this is just getting painful. Well...more painful.

Jonnie is down because his buddy lost his head *rim shot*. But the entire room of slaves cheers him up because he will help the humans rise up and re-take what is theirs! Follow him, humanity, follow him to freedom! Yeah...you guessed it, another worthless scene.

The movie re-joins our favorite alien, Terl and Ker, after developing a new plan. After discovering that the Planetship has been keeping money from the workers, Terl has threatened to take protocol and kill him. Oh...but an offer he cannot refuse is made: Give the authority of Planetship to Terl. And of course any sap could figure this out because they have a fucking detailed discussion about it. Really, movie, you can actually tell aspects of a story without awful dialogue. The Planetship actually says, "These tenders are all blank and dated. You could put anything you wanted on them. You could run the entire planet. I would be nothing more then a pupet." Who the hell wrote this? Keep up, folks...Terl = Planetship.

With his new authority, he first prepares an order for mining equipment and the gathering of man-animals to work. Oh...how delightfully absurd. He also trains Jonnie how to fly one of their Chrystler space ship 300C model. And the scene is awful. Jonnie looks like me playing Mario Kart Wii...jerking the wheel around as if driving this lemon is the most challenging thing ever. If anything is that hard to drive, why would you make it like that? Psychlo engineers blow. After crashing once, and being threatened not to fail again, Jonnie passes the driving test. Terl follows up with, "It's amazing what a little leverage can do..." Stop saying "Leverage!" These writers should die a slow and painful death for the painful dialogue they have put me through!

A perfect analogy for the dialogue in Battlefield Earth. This movie is teh pain!

Terl drops off Jonnie at the mining site and orders him that the ship had better be half filled with golllllddd in 14 days 'else he will bring the death upon him. Why can't Terl stay, you ask? Well, because humans are resistent to radiation, while Psychlos are not. Oh wait...humans aren't resistent to radiation? Huh...

A picture = 1000 years worth of words.

They have devised a plan that has one half of the humans pretending to mine for golllldddd (so Terl will be fooled because he is watching them via camera), while the other half go to Fort Knox and steal the gold there. Actually....that isn't a bad plan. The first one so far in this movie and we're only 80 minutes in! However, the movie decides to fuck with your common sense and comes up with the worst...I mean the most illogical, irrational, over-the-top, plan EVER. Fuck every sci-fi movie's plan before this. Battlefield Earth takes the cake:

The humans will blow up the Dome (where the main city is...another thing the movie has not made clear up until this point). Problem is, once the Dome is blown up, thousands more Psychlos will beam down from their planet and destroy the uprising. How do they prevent that? I hope you're sitting down...by acquiring and re-wiring a nuclear weapon, then beaming it up to Psychlo where the radiation exposure will wipe out the entire race.

Wait...I'm not done. Not only will they be able to actually know how to work a nuclear bomb, but does the movie realize that a nuclear weapon's element's carbon life cycle will not last 1000 years? Oh...but there's more, they have located a storage bunker with perfectly good fighter jets AND a training program. Since they have the training program, I'm sure the idiots who didn't even know what a fucking triangle was a few days ago will have no problem using them. Movie, you've already established this is 1000 years in the future...NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE! They were basically cavemen a week ago, now they're military experts? No amount of crazy pills can supress my disbelief. Excuse me...I'm going to go blow up the Earth.

So while the humans get their plan together, we are treated to the continuation of the citcom known as "Terl and Ker." This time Ker has acquired footage of Terl making the illegal demands for man-animals to work and has pushed for getting 80% of the gold income. But Terl is having none of that, and shoots off Ker's hand. *Laugh track*. I think this movie is making a record for pointless scenes. Movie, if you aren't going to further devleop a character, or the plot, there is no point. Ugh...we got it, Terl is superior to Ker. Enough.

Back to the main story line, we see Jonnie is putting his plan into action. How? By opening fire on the first few Psychlo guards he sees. He's going with the element of surprise, I see. Even one of his fellow humans warns him that his, "Shooting has alerted the guards." Jonnie-boy, u-r stoopid. Needing to escape, Jonnie triggers slo-mo bullet evasion power and scrambles past the flying fire. You know, everytime a shot misses, the debris looks like fiberglass exploding. Psychlo structures blow. Carlo, a human who's name we finally know, has set up the explosives on top of the dome and alerts Jonnie that he is ready. As Carlo is cornered by the Psychlo's flight attack, the rest of the humans show up in the fighter jets. They fly like fucking professionals. How the hell can these cavemen do this? Ain't this a load of bullshit? Yeah...but let's get on with it, we're almost through.

Jonnie prepares the warp for some other nameless bum to transport the nuke to Psychlo. Gotta love how he handles this extremeley dangerous weapon like it's a toy. Dolt. Carlo is ordered to detonate the bombs, but just before the teleportation sequence can be completed...TRAVOLTA CHOKESLAM! It's canceled, but the explosives still go off. However, by the miracle of God know's what, none of the glass shatters leaving the dome in tact. Carlo, being a brave sucker, crashes his air craft (I don't know where he got it, just roll with the punches) into the top of the dome and them blows himself up. The hundreds of pounds of explosives didn't do it, but the little bit in the back of the craft were enough. Stupid. The glass shatters, and the entire structure comes down. Ugh...these Psychlo engineers are goddamned idiots. Not to mention how laughable the scene is with all the falling debris.

With the dome collapsed, Terl calls to the home planet in order to get reinforcements. Before he does that, though, Jonnie is able to reactivate the telporting countdown. Cue the final fight music...Jonnie vs. Terl. Man vs. Psychlo. A few weak punches and Travolta Chokeslams later, Jonnie straps the bomb that was attatched to Chrissy's neck (More Psychlo geinus: a bomb that doesn't explode when de-tatched) and secretely straps it onto Terl's arm. Tricked into detonating the bomb, Terl blows off his own arm. THESE creatures took over our planet? Not to mention the fact that earlier on Terl clearly stated it only took them 9 minutes to wipe out our best defenses. This fight has been going on for well over 20 minutes. I'm calling shenanigans on account of the Psychlo's power being greatly exaggerated.

So the nuke is sent to Psychlo, and being the strongest weapon ever built by incompotent humans, it blows up the whole planet. Whatever...continuity has left, anyway. Humans win...humanity is free! Let's end this shit-cicle.

Terl is captured and, I guess, is the only other Psychlo left. Instead of being killed, he is kept hostage in case other Psychlo colonies try to take over Earth, Jonnie will use the footage of Terl's betrayal to do something that will make them not want to take over Earth. I don't know...his logic is convoluted, as usual. Kill 'em. Anyway, I guess they have extra insurance because Ker has been named "Head Psychlo." Wow...head Psychlo on Planet Earth. Hey, Ker...piss off. So this is how the movie ends? Figures...only a movie this bad could end like this. The ending to Super Mairo was more satisfying. There is no resolution...only some omnipresent feeling that there could be another invasion, and with that a...*GASP*...sequal! Fuck that...

Sonic is doing a dramatization of this movie's flow. The ground is representing the ground, stopping the movie dead.

I remember this movie when it came out, but I don't remember it being this bad. I mean, sure, I'm much more cynical of a bastard now then I was in 2000...but God damn this is garbage. There isn't one redeeming quality with this movie. The acting, especially from the Academy Award winning actor John Travolta, is by far some of the worst. Dialogue is usually pointless and just hurts to listen to. I feel like the writers were hired right out of high school because of their Myspace blog entries, and the director (Roger Christian) IMDb listing shows that he has done a few good independant films, but everything is typical trash. The special effects aren't even that good, especially for a movie that had a 100 million dollar budget.

All of this, and none if it is even to mention the fact that this movie is revered by Scientologists because, get this, this is what they believe in. The basis of this movie are the fundementals of Scientology. John Travolta, a devout Scientologist, believes this trife? Fuck you. This movie needs to get an E.T. for the Atari 2600 treatment, and burry this in the damn desert. The credits are done...and I'm free. 'Till the next time...

Showtime Top 10...Reasons Madden NFL Football games suck!

2009-06-10T16:59:00.000-07:00

Everyone has heard of EA's biggest money making sell out, Madden Football. It's the biggest NFL franchise game available. It even says so on the box.

Of course it does...it's the only fucking NFL game you can buy. You know what? I'm tired of forking over 50 bucks each year for the same damn game...Madden Football sucks and you suck for liking it. Before we begin, however, let me say this: I, by no means, am great at Madden. There's some sort of stupid God complex Madden gamers get...you're still just a loser playing a video game. You're no better then the douche bag playing Final Fantasy 8. This has nothing to do with my ability, or lack there of, to playing the game. With that out of the way, here's the top 10 reasons why...Madden blows.

#10 -

#9 - Because since 2004, they haven't made a game that has done anything besides pose as a fucking roster update. I'm not looking for a revolution in gaming, EA, I'm looking for a reason to give you my hard earned money. T.O.'s trade to the Bills...not cuttin' it.

#8 - Because even on the most high tech, next gen, consoles...Cover 2 and Cover 3 defenses still FAIL to defend the deep passes. Will the idiot DBs ever realize the whole purpose is to keep the play in front of them?

#7 - Man coverage contains just as much suck as zone...in fact, it's worse. Your CBs don't press anyway...they just get up to the line really close, then get beat on the wheel route. What's the point? It only works if the offense tries to go for a slant or post route...speaking of...

#6 - If the defense backs off, how is the middle of the field not open? It doesn't matter if you are passing with Peyton Manning, or Kevin NOPE Kolb, QBs in Madden have NEVER been able to throw accurate slant, posts, or even fade routes. These are run every week in football...how do they not work? What's the point of not doing anything but running the "Vick 2004" offense, and just run 20 yards behind the line, then bomb it.

#5 - Message to CBs and WRs...if the ball hits your hands, CATCH THE FUCKING THING!

#4 - With regards to the PS3 and Xbox360 versions...would it be too much to ask to back the fucking camera angle up so I can see the sidelines, and my outside WRs?

#3 - With regards to the Wii version...you can't throw a bullet pass online. Is that supposed to be a fucking joke?

#2 - More Wii version rants...I know it can't do HD graphics. But it CAN do better than what pathetic polygons were done in the '09 version. Oh...and in both versions, the presentation still blows; player intros (which the Wii doesn't even have) is not presentation. Some effort would be nice...sit back and takes some notes:

And the number 1 reason Madden Football absolutely sucks...

- Because I like fucking with stupid fanboys...that's why. Go pick up Tecmo Super Bowl. It is FAR superior.

Old Time Movie Rants 4: Primeval

2009-06-07T10:57:00.000-07:00

I'm a fan of horror movies. To an extent, that is. I'm not a big "slasher" film kinda guy, but I don't mind my share of horror/suspense flicks. In 2007, I saw a trailer that appeared to be just that; a movie about some kind of super-natural serial killer in Africa. Sweet...sounds promising. At least it isn't a stupid monster movie...check out this trailer and tell me if there is ANY indication that this is some kind of animal.

Nope. It's even based off of a true story about a serial killer. Well hook, line, and sinker, count me in. If you guys didn't add it all up before...yeah...I'm an idiot.

The movie opens up with a shot of a few scientists and other workers digging up some bodies. The female scientists explains how these people have been executed and continues inspecting the area. She locates another pile of dirt that appears to conceal more bodies, so she shoves a shovel in the ground...but it hits something hard. The following scenes are so disillusioned, choppy, and sporadic, I really don't know what happens. Awful cinematography...all I know is that the Lady is dead and we're in Africa. Ugh...I need a Tylenol after that scene.

The opening credits begin...and I mention this because it should be the first key to what this movie is ACTUALLY about. We are treated to a bunch of news articles ranging from 1909 to present times about this "Serial Killer" named Gustave. Not to disrespect my millions and millions of readers in Africa, but am I really expected to care about this? No way this killer, which NO BODY can figure out who it is, would make front page in the NY Times. Just sayin'. Anyway...how can a human live for one hundred years? Uh oh...

The Force is strong with this one...

We are now at an office of a journalism company where we get to meet up with two of our main characters (read: monster fodder): Tim, Steven and Aviva. Tim is your prototypical douche, Steven (Orlando Jones-the black guy from MadTV) is supposed to be funny and, much like my blogs, is not, Aviva- the uninteresting woman scientist who is probably supposed to get naked, but doesn't. Oh...and like clockwork, the movie gives you two middle fingers; the "super natural serial killer" we were promised isn't a person, as advertised, but a crocodile. Fuck you, movie. If I wanted a monster movie I would've watched Godzilla...ass. Tim and Aviva meet up, and Big Boss Man wants Tim to, get this, go into Africa (a regular war zone) then film and CAPTURE Gustave. Are you kidding me? This creature has been killing native Africans for nearly a century, and for the sake of a story, wants a bunch of journalists to not only film it...but capture it? For Tim's sake, this place better have Aflack.

You can really just summarize the first few scenes with this. "Fuck you, viewers."

Our heroes(?) take a plane to Burundi, Africa (ShowTime has millions of readers there!) and talk about more things we don't care about. Also, the movie treats us to why Orlando Jones was a star on MadTv...his jokes are going to be painful, I hope he gets eaten soon. They land, and within minutes, are on a boat and ready to go become lunch. Silly Americans, we should listen to the wise Africans warning them of how deadly Gustave is. I'm not being sarcastic...these guys are stupid.

Nice transition, movie...we're now on a boat, at night, where Tim is still acting like a dick, and Aviva is till trying to pretend she can act. The back-and-forth between these two is laughable, no way they are journalists. Tim thinks that filming the capture of a century old killing machine is a "No-story." He must be the lead beat-guy on the "Brett Favre Watch." Dick. As the sexual tension grows, guys on the banks open fire on the boat. So much for that cease-fire, huh? No one is hurt and this scene had no purpose...thanks, movie.

New ShowTime Blog gimmick! The Croc Counter...the Croc Counter is a revolutionary tool that calculates how long Gustave is actually shown in the movie about him.
After 17:40 of the movie...Gustave has about :2 of actually being in the movie. He's been in 0.2% of the movie so far...

The crew meet up with Mathew Collins who is a licensed poacher...I mean...hunter. He is the one orchestrating this entire ordeal. Well, him and Jacob Krieg, who is a killer croc sympathist. He feels that Gustave should be taken alive, so it will be his way or the high way; the croc will be taken alive. Don't worry, he's not crazy, he's just a moron. Their fool-proof plan? Build a giant cage, put bait in the back, and have Gustave wonder on into it and then close the door. Jesus Christ, Wile E. Coyote had better plans than this.

They travel to Sorya Miduha, Burundi (I'm not this smart...the sub-text told me so) and meet with the locals that will help them out. Aviva sympathises with a dog who was put out on a raft, in the water, as an offering to Gustave. I told that dog to stop shitting on the carpet! Oh...and then the crew meets with a Shaman, who tells them that they will "Find what they are looking for...then they will find death." Thanks Shaman, I hope your head gets cut off. The next morning (this movie has worse transitions than RE:3, it's making my head hurt), our group and the locals lift up the giant cage and haul it to the site in which they will try and capture the 'croc. It's such a simple plan, I'm sure NOTHING will go wrong!

Crikey! Steve caught Gustave...great, movie over!

Well, Gustave shows up, but doesn't take the bait. Although he doesn't get caught, Collins was able to tag him with a GPA tracking device; now we'll know where he is at all times. The next morning (ugh...), the inspects their empty cage and pretty much scratches their heads. Their plan, well after a few more awful jokes from Steven, they decide to set the trap back up exactly the same way. Brilliant! The dinosaur that has already avoided your trap once is clearly stupid enough to fall for it the 2nd time. Meanwhile, Steven decides he wants to go shoot some footage of...nothing-ness. Yeah I guess the professional cameraman doesn't find a 30 foot killer crocodile interesting. While shooting stock Africa footage, he stumbles upon a few people who have captured the Shaman and his family. Let's play a game: How does the Shaman get got? a) Decapitation, b) Shot c) Who fucking cares, isn't this supposed to be about a crocodile? If you answered c, you're correct...but we were looking for a. HA! I got my wish. Steven returns to the tent and tells the rest of the crew what just went down...leading to them all debating on whether they should care or not. Isn't this just what you wanted when you think "super-natural serial killer who happens to be a crocodile?" Just when you think it can't get any worse...

I'm not sure what they decide to do, and I really don't care, because it's night time now. That means the Gustave trap is reset and ready to go. A local native, named Jo-Jo, that, for some reason, the movie takes a liking to climbs into the cage and starts yelling things at Gustave. Ladies and gents, this is my choice for "dumbest thing to happen that doesn't make any sense in a movie" award. Really...this is unbelievably stupid. Naturally, the movie throws us a cheap scare at us and makes Jo-Jo fall back and trigger the door shut. Then Gustave decides to show up and rattle Jo-Jo's cage *rim shot*, sending it into the water. Tim and the rest of the losers run out to scare off Gustave and save Jo-Jo. Another pointless scene that has some of the worst cinematography ever...you're doing great, movie.

Let's check on the Croc Counter!
With that last scene, Gustave has been in his own movie for a total of 0:19! Wow...we're now up to 0.7% of the movie that has contained the killer croc.

We find out Jo-Jo acted suicidal because he figured if he could capture Gustave, he could go to America. He wants to come here? Huh...apparently he doesn't know that our health care system is a joke or seen our tax rates. The soldiers, who have been protecting the group for the duration, are actually part of those behind the Shaman's murder. They don't want the footage getting out, so they begin to get ansy. And horny, apparently, as one of them tries to rape Aviva. He fights him off for a minute, but then he has her cornered. But like many crocodiles, Gustave does not find rape humorous...so he devours the soldier. There is still one soldier left, and he demands that they hand over the computer. Our hero's backs are against the walls, they are about to be executed, I wish he would shoot faster...but no, Jo-Jo returns and puts a bullet into the soldier. Damn. Regardless, Krieg was shot and the crew needs to find a place to hide out until day break. Gustave is having none of that...especially since they choose to hide in a small shack right off the water. Gustave attacks and makes the wounded Krieg his bitch. How are they going to survived the night?! They are defenseless!

And...Gustave gives up. For no reason at all...he just stops. Why? Wouldn't he go after the other 5 people? Stupid. So the remaining survivors (Tim, Steven, Aviva, Jo-Jo, and Collins) wait on the dock that was just destroyed by the 30 foot killer crocodile. I swear to God they are laying there like nothing happened, shooting the shit. This makes no fucking sense. So finally the helicopter that they called for last night arrives and the plot hole characters make a run for it. But before they can make it, the three goons that knocked off the Shaman arrive in their truck and shoot a rocket at the helicopter; they miss, but it inexplicably flies away NEVER TO RETURN. They don't even try to help...douches. Collins, however, does not want to die so he still tries to run after the 'copter. Yeah...he fails to get to da choppa...the 3 goons hit him with the truck and then shoot 'em. Why did he try and run after it? Oh...it was just an easy way for the writers to get rid of a character. You know...the longer this movie runs, the less sense it's beginning to make. You think the writers began to stop caring? I do.

Red thinks that this movie should stop acting like a DUMB ASS!

Now Tim, Aviva, Steven, and Jo-Jo are left to hide in the brush from the crazies. I thought this was a movie about a crocodile...just sayin'. Anyway, the group decides it's best if they go Scooby Doo and split up. Steven is the only idiot to dive into the fucking water...you know, where the croc is probably hiding. More from his mauling in a minute...they manage to escape the crazies for the most part, until it's down to one of them. Prepare for an epic battle...Tim vs. Nameless-African Guy, ring the bell!

3 unadventurous minutes later...

African Guy's brains are in the water. Shame. Anyway, we still have the non-comical camera man to take care of. I hope he makes a few awful one liners before Gustave destroys him. While wallowing knee deep in the swamp, Steven goes face-to-face with Gustave, and hauls ass in the opposite direction. Let me tell you...this croc makes Devin Hester look slow. The 1000 pound beast with small arms can run 30 mph. My ass...something that large, with such little legs, could NOT run that fast. Steven's death scene is odd, too...instead of seeing a terrible CGI effect of him getting chomped, we see the a final shot of him running from Gustave...then a fade to white. It almost seems as if the movie wants us to believe he is still alive...I really don't get it; probably just more terrible editing and cinematography.

We return with Tim, Aviva, and Jo-Jo: our only remaining survivors. Harry, who was a main component in setting this entire trip up, arrives conveniently and pretends to help the 3. However, his true desire is to acquire the computer that shows his men slaughtering innocent people. They try to tell him that they don't have it...but he doesn't buy it. Right...they are hiding the laptop up their rectums. What computer could really survive this much abuse? It's probably floating in the Nile, by now. Idiots. Anyway, Tim tricks Harry into believing that the GPS device that tracks Gustave is really a GPA device that tracks the computer. Harry is a real moron, like the computer is even that vital. Besides, what exactly is Tim's plan? Lead them all to Gustave so he can get eaten? How does this make sense in any real word concept!? Did the writers even pay attention?

A dramatization of ShowTime blogging about Primeval

So the group wonder into a swamp with the rain pouring down. I'm sure that computer still works here...ugh. They search all the way back until they locate a bone pit; presumably Gustave's meals. Tim finds a knife, and kills the henchman. Aviva then splashes Harry with the liquid bait that was used early to distract Gustave. Tim and Aviva run away, but don't quite escape. Harry puts 2 bullets into Tim's legs and then approaches for the kill but, in the name of plot-convenience, runs outta ammo. Still, it looks bleak for our heroes(?), that is until Gustave makes his presence known. Naturally, he goes after Harry because of the bait that he is lathered in. Gustave catches him and makes him dinner part 2.

Tim and Aviva take this time to run out of the swamp and back into the vehicle that they rode here in. Gustave, however, is still hungry. Yeah...throughout the movie he's stopped after eating one victim; I guess he just really hates these two pricks...can't say I blame him. He attacks the car, but Tim fights him off with a small, sharp stick and then drives away. That's it? That's the end of the movie...excuse me, I'm gonna go throw my computer out the window.

This is it...the bottom of the barrel when it comes to horror movies. Forget flicks like Friday the 13th: Jason takes Manhattan. This is worse because it lied to us. Not only did it lie...it lied, then sucked beyond measurable proportions. Let's list some of the reasons this movie blows:

-The camera work is terrible. I mean...it's so jumpy it'll give you a headache.
-The CGI in this movie is a damn joke.
-I never once cared about any of these characters...I really couldn't have been more disconnected.
-There was a plot?

You know what...you get the picture. If I start naming off reasons, we'll be here all night. This movie lied about being a "serial killer" movie, and ended up being a movie that tried to make me sympathise with African struggles, via a mythical crocodile. And about Gustave, the entire movie they talk like it's an actual person. I don't care how smart it is for an animal, it doesn't have human tendencies; which is something the dialogue between the cast seems to indicate. Oh...and why would anyone be so concerned about what's on a camera? The U.N. isn't going to a damn thing about it...they still don't care about Darfur! Instead of focusing on the croc, the movie narrows about some side story line.

Oh...and before I forget, the Croc Counter.
Up from 19 SECONDS of actually being in the movie, Gustav finishes off with about 10 full minutes of being apart of the movie. That rounds out to be about 10% of the entire movie. A movie about a killer crocodile only features the beast for 10% of the movie. Guys...the numbers don't lie. This movie sucks. Roll the credits...I'm done.

Showtime Sports! NFL - Top 10...reasons Kevin Kolb sholdn't start over McNabb

2009-05-30T19:11:00.000-07:00

Showtime's TOP 10...!

"Reasons Kevin Kolb should not start over Donovan McNabb."

#10: 'Cuz fuck him...that's why!

#9: He has a strong arm and can throw the deep ball well...right into a defender's chest.

#8: Kolb is about as fleet footed as Dan Marino...perfect fit for the West Coast offense *fart sound*

#7: All QBs who wear the number 4 are losers. All of them.

#6: The University of Houston has such a long and wondrous history of producing grade A athletes, right?

#5: He turned a 3 point deficit into a 20 point deficit...how magical.

#4: Kolb makes Bobby Hoying look great...do Eagle fans REALLY wanna suffer through the mid-90s again? I thought so...

#3: My fellow Eagle fans have run countless stars outta town...usually it ends up in complete and utter failure. SO STOP DOING IT!

#2: 'Cuz fuck him again...that's why!

And the number one reason Kevin Kolb should not start over Donovan McNabb...

#1: Because Kevin Kolb = ....

Old Time Movie Rants 3: Super Mario Bros.

2009-05-28T15:22:00.000-07:00

Do you feel that sensation in your ass? Yeah...that's your childhood getting raped. Remember sitting down with your buddies, as kids, staying up all night playing Super Mario Bros. for the NES? The feeling you had playing that most awesome of classic games and finally beating it. Perfect. Well...perfect until 1993, when Super Mario Bros. hit the silver screen. Now, think about the story line of Super Mario: you play as either a red or green plumber, fight creatures by stomping on them, while eating mushrooms, then eventually defeating a hammer throwing, fire breathing, dragon. All to save a stuck-up princess. Hard to make a 90 minute feature length film about...but hey, Hollywood has made more with less (See: Iron Man). Oh well...let's break out the ol' NES, blow the dust outta the cartridge, and dive balls deep into Super Mario Bros...

The movie opens up with the Mario theme song in all its 8-bit glory. Savor this moment...it's the closest thing to "good" this movie will get. We are then subjected to a terrible looking animation sequence that makes the 8-bit game look HD. We are treated to a narration, from a New Yorker, about dinosaurs and how they were destroyed by a meteor. But wait! What if they weren't all killed off, but instead sent to another alternative dimension and evolved into highly-developed creatures? What if they found a way back? Well, movie, that would not only be one of the most non-sensical things ever conceived, it would be stupid and not at all like the video game. Why do you ask?

That's the plot...? Fuck me...

Set phasers to phail.

Next we cut to a rainy New York night where a lady sets down a case on the doorstep of a church, then scurries away into the sewers. Nuns open up the case and find a giant chicken egg. Sweet...get the pan, I take mine sunny side up. The Lady with No Name is then shown running through the sewers as if someone is chasing her, but then backs up to Academy Award winning actor, Dennis Hopper. "Koopa!" she proclaims. Koopa...? As in, the Koopa King, Bowser? How the fuck is that supposed to be Bowser? Guys...I have no joke for this...just look for yourself:

Oh! Now I see the similarities!

Anyway, Koopa asks where "the Rock" is. He should know...IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE THE ROCK IS! The lady is frightened of this, pushes Koopa, and the room collapses around her. Ok...thanks?

Back at the church, the egg hatches and it turns out to be a baby...human? Since when do humans come from eggs? Without any explanation for ANYTHING going on so far, we cut to the Mario Brothers' Plumbing. Well at least they are really plumbers...that's a start. The brothers get a call for work and go on their way as they talk about God knows what. And who cares? Why hasn't Mario gotten a mushroom and crushed a goomba yet? Regardless of my discontent, Mario and Luigi get ready for their super plumbing adventure but, damn it all, they were beaten by the other plumbers. Wow...this is exciting.

We randomly jump to a dig for dinosaur bones (in FUCKING New York city? What is wrong with these idiot directors?). Mr. EvilBusinessOwner arrives at the dig and asks how long will the dig take, because he has important buildings to build. The lady who is apparently the leader of the dig tells him to shove it, and then runs off to find a phone. Another scene...another lack of explanation. Thanks, movie. While Dig Lady goes to find a pay phone, a creepy guy smelling two hot dogs hops into a car with another weird looking guy and the two begin scouting the Dig Lady. Dig Lady finds a phone, too bad Luigi is already on it. Luigi, being a complete loser, gives up the phone to the lady because...I don't know...I guess he doesn't care about this movie, either. Mario bros. offer the Lady, who's name is now "Daisy," a ride in their P.o.S. mobile, and because she's still being stalked by the 2 Matrix rejects, she accepts.

If you're still awake...here's what we know: NOT A FUCKING THING.
If you still care...we are 15 minutes in, and still don't know why we are in New York, and not the Mushroom Kingdom-crushing goombas.

Is there a cheat code for, "Make movie less suck?"

Luigi has some awkward dialogue with Daisy that includes, "When I get to speaking I tend to say stuff that's stupid." This is why Luigi should never get his own game. Later, the Mario brothers, Daisy, and a new female character we don't know go out to dinner and talk about Daisy's dig site and how improbable...I mean...cool it is. Over exposition dinner, they make stupid jokes and reveal slightly more about the plot...using that term very loosely. We find out that Daisy was the baby who was delivered at a church doorstep...in an egg. Did the nuns tell her she was the love child of the Kernel's secret recipe and some bar hound? After diner, the 2 weirdos are waiting outside the restaurant and see Mario with his broad leaving. They give chase, thinking it's actually Daisy. 10 bucks says Daisy is really a dinosaur. 20 bucks says Luigi nails a dinosaur.

Time out for a side rant...this is really moving along slowly. I mean, usually I have no problem with a slow moving plot. I love Watchmen and that had a sluggish development. But let's face it, this movie is already a huge bomb. We are in freaking New York City, where and inexplicable dinosaur dig is taking place, with no purpose. As I'm watching this movie...it actually hurts to keep my eyes glued to the screen. Super Mario Bros. is going to be the death of me...I just feel that this movie's developments are going to be so monumentally stupid it will surpass even my anti-expectations. Hey...you know what's more interesting than this? This.

Luigi walks Daisy home...and they have a boring conversation about digging up bones. Because Luigi is REALLY trying to get laid, he is anxious to check out Daisy's site. I bet he's got a bone he wants Daisy to investigate! HEYOH! The two make it to the site, and go underground and scope out the bones, but before they can share a kiss...one of the Evil Busniess men's goons (Business man now = "Scapelli") has sabotaged the underground piping, and the dig beings to flood. Luckily for us, the Mario Brothers are plumbers! So Luigi recruits Mario and the two brothers are off to save Daisy's only purpose in life. This must be the movie's excuse for an action sequence...is there any goombas? No. Turtles? No. Mario eating any magic 'shrooms? Of course not. It's Super Mario Bros.: Plumbing Adventures!

Of course our "heros" stop the flooding, but the two stalkers are lurking around the corner and knock out the 2 plumbers, then kidnap Daisy. The Mario brothers follow Daisy's screams through the cavern and eventually find a wall that acts as a portal to another world. It's no warp-pipe, but as long as it gets us the hell out of New York...fine. So Luigi, then Mario, jump through the warp and find themselves in some bizzaro-New York. Which is saying A LOT if it's an even more weird place than New York. By the way...why is Luigi more brave than Mario? Haven't they even played Luigi's Mansion? Idiots...

While Mario and Luigi continue to make stupid puns and rip off one-liners, we cut to the Koopa King, Dennis Hopper, who is busy letting us know that his world sucks, and our world is superior; so naturally, he wants to kill all humans. The 2 stalkers (I guess their names are "Spike and Iggy.") return to Koopa with the captured Daisy. His evil plan is coming to fruition, that is until he notices that they did not bring the "rock" that she was wearing around her neck. "The two plumbers have it" they say. So Koopa puts out an APB for "plumbers." I guess they don't use toilets in bizzaro-New York.

Back with "The Plumbers," they continue to be confused. People are rude, pushy, and violent here in bizzaro-New York, but one would ask why the Mario Brothers feel so out of place? How is Bizzaro-NY different than real-NY? Well, the one difference is in bizzaro-NY old ladies with giant hot glue guns stick up the brothers. She steals the rock away from Luigi, but luckily for them, a very large woman beats the hell out of the old hag and with her super moon-boots, jumps away. Feeling defeated, the brothers slump around the city until a cop notices they have tools on their belt, and promptly arrests them because only plumbers use tools. It's such a stupid sequence...I can't even comprehend it. I guess they are on their way to meet Koopa....

So the two are taken to the police station for booking and...whoa....they are asked for their full names! You mean, we get to know what their last names are? Sweet...what are they, movie? "Mario Mario" and "Luigi Mario?" That is so fucking weak. At least it can only go up from here, right? Actually, it gets worse. The brothers are put in a small dog kennel, right below "Toad." Very cute, movie. so Toad explains that their worlds have crossed the dimensions after the meteor hit and, get this, their world's king happens to be the fungus that is growing throughout the world...their king has just been "de-evolved." Oh...so NOW we know why Sabertooth changed in the X-Men movies! Mario and Luigi are taken to meet Koopa, who demands that they had over the meteorite piece (Daisy's necklace). Of course, they don't have it...so they are sent to the "de-evolution chamber." Doesn't this remind you of Super Mario video games?

Koopa takes the Toad character and de-evolves him into a Goomba. I really think they had to try hard to insure that the Goombas would look nothing like they do in the video games. The threat doesn't scare the Mario Bro., however, because they quickly take over the room and make a break for it.

WHOA! Am I playing the video game, or watching the movie? I CAN'T TELL!

Mario and Luigi steal a cop car and lead the police on a chase that ends up with the two "Alien Plumbers" driving into a cave and out the back end of a cliff. The car plummets to its impending doom, but is saved by the amazingly-elastic fungus. Damn, I could sure use that fungus for everyday applications!

Koopa has grown tired of Iggy and Spike failing, so he evolves them into less-stupid morons. Have I yet mentioned how stupid this is? The fact that, at will, Koopa can evolve and de-evolve anybody he wants? Well...it gets worse, Koopa has issued all Goombas "de-evolution guns." Evolution takes generations, depending on the height of change. But not in Super Mario, it only takes the pulling of a trigger. Didn't that sound dumb enough when it was drafted up? THINK!

Daisy is summoned to see Koopa, and he proceeds to mock her and her family with some of the WORST acting ever. Koopa explains that Daisy, the human, descended from the dinosaurs and that he needs her rock to merge the worlds. I guess the intelligent dinosaurs don't like living on what is explained as "a few miserable streets, and endless desert." Hey, Koopa...if you sucked less as a leader, you could make the world better. But, hey, I'm just a ranting snark.

Back in the endless desert (where are they going to go?), the Mario brothers tie up Iggy and Spike and suck some information out of them. Apparently, just by inserting the small meteorite piece into the giant meteorite will merge the worlds. How the hell does that work? I'm no "dimensional scientist, but how would completing the giant rock do anything? Look at the idiot Showtime thinking that the producers of this movie actually thought through their story lines.

A producer of Super Mario Bros. brainstorms...

Mario and Luigi agree to retrieve the meteor piece, if Iggy and Spike agree to trade it for Daisy. Do the Mario Brothers really trust the minions of the evil dictator? Dumb shits...anyway, the 2 hijack a dump truck and drive it back into the city. Knowing that the lady who stole the rock is a bouncer at a bar, the 4 head there. Of course, Mario and Luigi are dressed in the worst suits ever. No really...Mario in yellow and Luigi in red...it's amazingly stupid looking. But in Bizzaro-NY, ugly he-women love that and Mario's pimp juice is flowing. I swear to God, Super Mario-Nintendo's greatest creation-seduces a bouncer at a club, by dancing with her, and then steals back the rock. God help me. But...uh oh...Lena and the Goombas crash the party and are after the rock. Mario and Luigi try to play keep away, but Mario is much too pudgy, and misses a catch...letting Lena acquire the meteorite. The Brothers escape off the roof, and into a trash truck that is, supposedly, heading right to Koopa's Tower.

The Brothers break into the Tower and ride up an elevator (in some new red and green outfits, respectively) when Goombas begin to pile in. How do they get out of it? Not by jumping on their heads, dummy, they make them dance to Frankie Yankovic's, "Somewhere my Love." Just when you thought it can't get any stupider, it gets worse.

Meanwhile, Daisy is attacked by Koopa's close assistant, Lena. Luckily, the little dinosaur, Yoshi, saves the day. Why did Lena even attack her? I don't fuckin' know...again, not explained. Daisy makes a break for it, but is cornered by some Goombas. Oh...forgot to mention, Iggy and Spike have been captured and sentenced to death because they have been speaking ill of Koopa. Ok...you're caught up. Daisy helps them get free, so they take her to meet Father.

And, I swear to God...it's the dumbest thing I've ever seen in cinema: The King has been de-evolved into fungus. Toad was not kidding...the fungus is actually the true King of Bizzaro-NY. What concept could that possibly have? I'm not sure if this is incredibly hilarious, or just pathetic.

Daisy, meet your father...ALL HAIL THE KING!

Ugh...this movie is beginning to drag. Lena has become shun by Koopa, and intends to unite the dimensions by herself. I guess it's like the Excalibur effect, whomever inserts the rock into the bigger rock owns the world. How stupid. Koopa, forsees this, and has Lena captured...he now has the rock. Sweet...moive almost over? Yes it is, but first we need to defeat the big bad. Mario and Luigi escape the Tower and meet up with Koopa on his way to unite the dimensions, BUT NOT IF MARIO HAS ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT! He attacks Koopa and incidently knocks the rock out of his possesion and into Lena's....how the hell did she get free? Anyway...now she is back on the path the meteorite spot. Luigi chases after Lena, who has arrived at the meteor site. She does insert the small piece into the larger one, but then promptly gets blasted into a rock and killed. The worlds start to merge, but Luigi is on the scene! He, with a little help from Daisy, remove the smaller piece and avert a disaster.

Back with Mario, he is busy battling Koopa in a showdown of epic proportions. This is the battle we've only seen in 8-bit. Man the A-button...let the brawl commence! Ok, I hyped that way too much. Mario and Luigi acquire a de-evolution ray and begin to blast Koopa; first he turns into a T-Rex, and then a pile of goo. Epic.

Mario and Luigi return to NotSoBizzaro-NY, but Daisy elects to stay because it's her duty...blah...blah...blah. Just before the audience thinks this is it, though...Daisy rushes through the Mario Brother's front door armed with weaponry proclaiming, "You're not gonna believe this!" Whoa...is something exciting about to happen? Nope. The movie ends on a cliff note...you've gotta be kidding me. There is no sequal...there is no saving this movie. Is a little bit of resolution too much too ask!?

Hey, Wile E, while you're hangin' around, could you find us an ending for this movie?

I don't know how to conclude this rant...this movie is such an ugly scar. There is so much wrong with this movie. Even if you forget the fact that it's supposed to be Super Mario, it doesn't even qualify for a good movie to enjoy. How does the de-evolution work? What good would taking over our dimension, de-evolving it, and running THIS world into the ground too do? This movie gives us too many stupid scenarios, yet no resolutions.

But I can't leave it at that...because this is a movie that is supposed to be about Super Mario. There are a few newances to the video game; bomb-oms, references to mushrooms, locations named "Thwamp" and "Bullet Bills," but they have no relevance to the story. Instead of focusing on what drew people to the name "Super Mario," they decided to make some garbage plot that doesn't even work. This isn't even mentioning the fact that the acring in this film is not bad...it's atrocious. Every line is spoken like they were reading it off their hand...oh, except for Luigi-who says his lines like he never even reherced them. I swear..everything he says sounds like he just made it up on the spot; it's a movie, Luigi, not impov.

I've had enough...I'm popping back in the NES cartridge and do this movie justice. The credits FINALLY roll..and I can get the fuck out.

Showtime Sports! ESPN NFL Power Rankings Thoughts...

2009-05-24T08:58:00.000-07:00

ESPN just released their NFL off season power rankings. My Eagles are ranked 4th-maybe a little high for a 9-7 team, but then again, it is explained that the rankings are derived from off season moves. Which, in that case, could justify a top 5 spot.

Here's the link for the list:

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/powerranking?season=2009&week=0

My humble, and in turn correct, opinion on noteable teams:

1. Steelers - the defending champs are returning 20 starters. It's hard not to like them as an early favorite. The number 1 ranked defense still has all it's playmakers...minus LB Foote; and let's face it, that's not much of a loss. Look for them to be a contender for the title again. My early pick for the AFC North champs.

2. Patriots - I think it's a little high. ESPN looks like they are still feeding off past Patriot accomplishments...then again, this team DID go 11-5 last season without Brady. Brady, and the defense, are what would concern me about this team. They do have DROY LB Mayo, but that secondary is still really shaky. I also know Brady is back, but I'm sorry, players don't come back immediately from a severe injury like that. But...it is still a "Hoodie" coached team.

3. Giants - As much as it pains me to say, this is the team to beat in the NFC East...if not the entire conference. The defensive line still anchors a tough defense. As long as they field that front line, this is a playoff team. Big question: Can Brandon Jacobs and Eli Manning shoulder this entire offense?

5. Colts - Is it weird that Indy's rebuilding year they are still going to field one of the most prolific passing offenses in the league? Go figure. Peyton Manning would sure love a solid running game, Donald Brown should help that. But will that Cover 2 defense EVER work out? That D isn't getting any younger...they need to find a solution, quick.

7. Chargers - Don't really get them being at the 7 spot. I understand the ridiculous run they went on late in the season, including an amazing division title win and a wild card victory of the Colts. But, still...LT hasn't seemed like the same back since FB Lorenzo Neal left for Baltimore. Rivers was the highest rated QB in the league last year, but does anyone think that him and the defense can lead the Chargers to the promised land? I don't...even with "Lights Out" returning to the defense.

8. Titans - Tennessee was an aboration last year. Their defense lost the best DT in the game to Washington, and my trust in Chris Johnson and Lendale White behind that o-line isn't exactly large. Not to mention this team's QB competition is between Kerry Collins, Vince Young, and Chris Simms...ouch.

9. Cards - Playing in the NFC West helps. I think this team still boasts the best offense, and that alone will be enough to get them the division crown. A top ten team? Well...they are the defending conference champs.

10. Panthers - I may sound like an idiot, which is pretty accurate, but this was the worst 12 win team ever. Jake Delhomme has thrived off of the success of Deangelo Williams, who is arguably the best RB in the game. But that defense is anchored by Julius Peppers: A guy that doesn't even wanna be there anymore

13. Cowboys - Screw Dallas. They should be lower.

16. Saints - Saints were ranked number one overall in offense in 2008, but their defense was on the other end of the spectrum. D was their man focus during the off season and if they can put up, at least, a top 15 ranked defense, chances are they make a late playoff push.

18. Texans - The yearly "sexy" pick goes to Houston. Most think that this is their year to prove their worth since becoming the latest expansion team in '03. With the 3rd ranked offense overall, and one of the best pass rushing DEs in the league in Super Mario, they could certainly contend for, at least, a wild card.

19. Redskins - I feel sorry for 'Skins fans, almost as much as Browns fans. They have a top 5 defense, but a terrible offense...so what does Dan Snyder do? Acquires DT Albert Hanyesworth from the Titans. Good move, Danny.

21. Bills - Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills! Will the combo of Lee Evans and T.O. help this lethargic passing attack get going before T.O. implodes the team? Probably not...but they will at least be competitive with the 'Phins, Pats, and Jets this year.

25. Broncos - They took my Eagles' FS Brian DONKins...signing a 35 year old safety was their best off season move. No, really...they drafted Knoshawn Moreno (RB, Georgia) with their first pick. Josh McDaniels came from Bill Belicheck? He's not making smart moves like it...

27. Bucs - Tampa Bay was one win away from the playoffs but failed to win a final game against the lowly Raiders. They are now in disaray after releasing all their defensive vets, and QB Jeff Garcia. Josh McCown has proclaimed himself the starter...how reassuring.

28. Browns - Good looking team...recently acquired a solid CB in Roderick Hood and finally plan to put in Notre Dame product, Brady Quinn. But their coach is Eric Manboobs...God's speed.

29. RRRRRRRAIDERS - If this team could just slow down the opposition's running game, they would have a top 10 defense; Nnamdi Asmougha is the best shut down CB in the game and they have a damn good pass rusher in Derrik Burges. Also, their slew of RBs are vastly underrated. Their problem? Establishing continuity, and of course, QB. Will Jamarcus Russell get his fat ass working, or will Oak-town have to rely on FA QB Jeff Garcia to brace this team until they find a long term solution?

32. Lions - Poor Detroit...at least they have "Bradford 2 Megatron" to think about for future years to come. They probably end up in the basement, again, but the 0-16 Lions will at least win a few games next year. I mean...they can't possibly be that bad, right?

Summer Time Movie Rants 2: Star Trek

2009-05-24T08:27:00.000-07:00

I'm no Trekkie. I've never been a follower of the Star Trek series. I've seen a few of the episodes, but aside from that, and two movies (Nemisis and Wrath of Khan). So going into the new Summer blockbuster film, Star Trek, I was pretty much a noob to the cult phenomenom. And I must say...this movie completely blew my mind. I read a few reviews and thought it looked good...but I had no idea it was going to be as spectacular as it was. This movie was the epitimate definition of "epic" if there ever was one.

I'll be blunt, so not to waste your time, and for those who haven't seen it...I don't plan on telling any of the story because it is good-albeit generic. The movie opens up with a huge space battle...and a note to film directors: anytime you open up a movie with a space battle this big, your movie is going to be really good. Every scene draws you into the story and tells a relevant, and interesting, story about the USS Enterprise's future crew.

Oh...and a forewarning: during the movie, it is noted that these sequences take place in what is described as an "alternate time line." For the first time in history, Hollywood does not intend to rape your memories of a beloved thing.

The visuals of this movie look great. Of course most of it is just CGI, but I honestly felt that I was looking at something real. The only problem, I think, with the camera work in this movie is that damn lense flare that J.J. Abrams does in, almost, all of his stuff. It's nothing that takes away from the movie going experience, but in every fight scene it seems like the camera is pointing at the sun. Damn I'm picky...

Acting is "Spock" on. Get it? Ugh...sorry. Everything is "Star Trek." And by that, I mean all the acting is over the top. Spock always talks it that emotion-less dialect that he is known for. Dr. Lenord McCoy and "Scotty" are both so corny and hammy that it becomes just awesome. My favorite two lines of the movie happen to be "Dammn it, man...!" and "I'm givin' 'er all she's got, Cap'n!" Even non-Trek fans like me can appriciate the greatness in those lines...really good crowd pleasers. Again, the acting is exactly what one would want from Star Trek.

Although the story is really just saving the world, and nothing more...that's not the reason to see the movie. Even if you've never heard of Star Trek, get up from under that rock and go out to see this movie, NOW! It's that good...and well worth the overprice of admission. I don't know if this will end up being the best movie of the season, but it is the first great one. Set your phasors to "Stunning!"

Live long and prosper, my friends.

Old Time Movie Rants 2: Resident Evil: Extinction

2009-05-22T15:31:00.000-07:00

Could someone name me a good video game movie? Why does such a seemingly simple concept constantly fall flat on its ass? I mean...Hollywood can't be really that inept, can they? When they write up the board for the movie and watch the drafts, don't they see how much it sucks? Will I ever stop asking the reader questions? Not until I get...*removes sunglasses* some answers.

Have you thought of a good VG movie, yet? Tomb Raider? No. Silent Hill? It wasn't too bad, but I don't consider it good. Super Mario Brothers? Fuck you. Hollywood can't get it right...that is, until Resident Evil was released. The first one, loosely based off of...uh...none of the video games, in my opinion, was a solid zombie flick. Think about it, it had a good cast-Mila Jovovich starred as Alice, and she had her crew of uninteresting, however quite effective, co-actors. The plot was nothing new; evil corporation makes a virus (titled: T-Virus...yes, from the game) that will enhance how humans live. Token douche bag thinks he can get rich from it, but he ends up getting fucked in the end. That's really it...throw in some scares, slick action sequences, and you have a zombie film George A. Romero would be proud of. Hell...even Resident Evil: Apocalypse was a decent movie; albeit, moved away from a survival horror, to an action movie. I'd still watch and enjoy it.

Of course, no trilogy is complete without a 3rd installment, so out came Resident Evil: Extinction. The first two proved good, and did well in box offices...this was naturally going to happen. And you know what, I was sucked in...I honestly thought that this would be a good movie. I'm an idiot...

I smell a rant coming. This movie is about to be...dead meat. YEAHHHHHHH!

The movie starts us off with a picture of a naked Alice...way to pull in the male demographic, movie. She wakes up and wonders around, until she realizes she's in the mansion from the first movie. Still aimlessly wondering, she scurries into the infamous laser room, avoids becoming bite sized, and jumps into a vent and out into a hospital. This architect blows...a mansion in a hospital? Talk about high healthcare costs. She narrowly avoids getting guillotined, but does not avoid stepping on an Indiana Jones trap, steps on the trap, and promptly gets shot. But, oh lucky us....she's just a clone Alice, and Dr. Isaacs is just doing test to find a cure for the T-Virus. Although, it's never explained why he is sending the Clone-Alices through a prototype Double Dare obstacle course.

The movie zooms out and shows us the desolate desert, then it's title sequence. We are then treated to a narration by Alice that tells us the T-Virus not only spread around the world and devastated the human race, but dried up oceans and destroyed plant life. How, you ask? Logical explanation how a virus that effects animals can cross over to plant life? I think you're asking too much from this movie...

We now zoom to the real Alice who receives a distress call from her radio that pleads for help. She finds her way to a run down shack, where a guy...oh sorry, that's just an ugly woman...is holding her baby, crying. Alice takes the baby...but, oh noes! It's a doll. It's a doll? A group of hillbillies pull guns on her and push her against a table, mocking her. The creepy Johnny Knoxville clone is horny, and wants to show Alice his trouser zombie. He promptly gets kicked in the chin, apparently so hard, that he is dead. The Eagles are in need of a kicker...can she play? The rednecks knock her out and dump her in their basement/room below. They gather around a hole in the ceiling, like a bunch of redneck Ceasers, as Alice struggles to break her binds...some zombie dogs are ready to attack. Wait...you're telling me these hillbillies managed to capture AND cage these rabid, zombie, hell hounds? What...did they trick them using a radio gag, too? Alice, being the token bad ass...kills the first 2 faster than, I think, even the producer wanted. So the hillbillies let all of them through and we have a good chase around the basement to some Benny Hill music. Actually...there was no Benny Hill music, but it might have made it more interesting if there was. Alice kills the dogs, and manages to cave in the ceiling...making the Hick Family dog lunch. This scene makes no sense...why would anyone do this, after the end of the world? Ugh...and what significance does this scene have? None...you idiot.

Searching for plot...error: no purpose for movie. abort...retry...fail

Now we have a cut scene to a convoy running down the road, and over the living dead. How can we possibly get scared in a wide open desert? Oh right...we can't. While the convoy douches have their discussion about "Does anyone have a smoke?" Let's quickly run down the roster of hopeful zombie food: Carlos (Alice's love interest...also plays the courageous character), Claire (Pessimistic bitch), Betty (Played by FUCKING Ashanti!), Mikey (Horror movie necessary "Nice guy"), Chase (the Cowboy), and L.J. (Token black guy). Will the non-horror, horror movie still kill off the black guy first? Let's watch...

Oh...sorry...the movie does a random cut shot back into the Umbrella facility. The holograms of the Umbrella complexes across the world have a weekly business meeting. They talk about Project: Alice and other things we don't care about. How is this a survival horror movie? Oh...I have to try and survive this horrid mess of bad acting and a boring script. Got it...

Cut shot again? Christ...we go to Alice who stops at a local Quick-e-Mart. She puts an arrow through a zombie's forehead (zombie kill 1....for those keeping count). Alice then checks the 7-11 only to find a closet that contains...a person who hung themselves. Ugh...this is scary...she has some nasty, decomposing feet. Alice braves the flies and grabs a journal laying on the ground that depicts Alaska as being "safe." Alaska is too far away from Nevada...please don't make me watch them travel there, movie. FORESHADOWING...a bird is eating the killed zombies face.

Cut shot...AGAIN! Back to the boring convoy, where El Carlos and Token Black Guy enter a hotel-notell, why? Naturally, they stealth around making awful jokes looking for zombies. Movie...why are they in the motel? Carlos and LJ separate to look for...uhh....MOVIE! Why the fuck are they in the motel? LJ finds an unlocked room, so he goes to check it...but gets attacked by a zombie. And the zombie...looks like Duke Nukem. Yeah...LJ gets attacked by Zombie Duke Nukem. Thankfully, he fights him off and kills the zombie (zombie kill 2). LJ, a guy who never watched a horror film, sits on the bed relaxed until he notices a zombie rising from the floor. He shoots but...he hits a mirror? How do you not know what a mirror looks like? It's not a fun house, idiot. The zombie bites him on his chest, but Carlos kills it before it can go for the kill. Typically for a zombie flick, no body notices the huge gash on LJ's chest. This, certainly won't come back to haunt them. Hey, by the way...why were they in the motel?

Nobody takes our brains...and lives.

Cut shot..go figure. We're back at Umbrella LLC, where Dr. Isaacs and his 2 interns tied up a zombie and begin comprehension skills on the zombie. The dead guy actually begins to complete some of the give tasks (Day of the Dead, anyone?) and Dr. Isaacs is given the new title of, "Super Genius." That title is shortly retracted when the zombie gets frustrated and breaks out of his restraints, only to brutally kill the other 2 doctors. What did we learn from this scene...? Nothing, of course.

Surprise...cut scene back to the convoy, where Mikey is handing out cans of food to the entire group. He's correctly guessing what's in each can, how cute. I hope he dies. The convoy is getting down in the dumps because Chase keeps being a douche...oh, and they are running low on gas and daylight. Luckily for them, they have found military grade equipment to create a perimeter around the convoy in order to protect themselves from any wondering zombie. Uh huh...

Cut shot to Alice...ugh...I'm getting dizzy from switching between all these locations. She reads the exposition journal, which tells the audience where this movie is headed: Alaska!

RUN! Zombie Sarah Palin is coming for your brains because she clearly doesn't have any!

Cut shot...already? Back to Umbrella where they run another worthless Alice test that tells them nothing of importance. Clone Alice gets killed by a super-zombie....next scene, fuckers.

Cut shot...Alice. She falls asleep, haves some nightmares and levitates her motorcycle. Then wakes up and it crashes to the ground. Why couldn't we have just been shown this before the cut to Dr. Isaa...fuck it, I don't care. Bottom line: Dr. Isaacs now knows Alice is around.

Cut shot...convoy. The group is sleeping, quite peacefully in fact, until some crows being congregating around them. Eerilie they stare at the vehicles, waiting for the notion to go attack. Everyone tries to be still, but a soda can drops and all the birds swarm. This inspires what might be the most expensive, stupidest, looking death scenes ever. Really...I can't explain it at all. Just watch...notice how dumb they look as they shake their heads when birds peck at their faces. This is just getting painful to watch...I don't know how much more I can take. After some stupid sequences, including the bus carrying the most people crashes, the convoy tries to evacuate. Chase mans the flamethrower on top of the oil tanker, but is attacked by some crows and points the flamethrower at Carlos, who's busy helping an extra. OH NO...NOT CARLOS! Don't worry...Alice is here to save the day. She uses her MIND BULLETS to re-direct the fire upwards, burning all the crows.

Alice can hit a yak from 200 yards away...WITH MIND BULLETS! That's telekinesis, Kyle.

Alice wakes up shortly after using her mind powers to a teenage girl named K-Mart. K-Mart averaged 20 points and 10 rebounds a game for the Nuggets this season...oh...not the NBA K-Mart? Good...Mark Cuban thinks him and his mom are thugs. Claire greets Alice, and like the cunt she is, acts like a cunt. I hope she dies. So because the movie can't have Claire on screen for more than a minute, Carlos and Alice take a little stroll down exposition lane. Then Alice's watch tells her that the satellite tracking her has, in fact, tracked her. Run! Hey...you know what's missing? Zombies. Isn't this supposed to be a movie about zombies? Forget it...

Dr. Isaacs has gotten a hard on to the fact that he has a 67% positive ID on Alice being alive. He goes to hologram boss-man to give him the good news and ask for a task force to pursuit Alice. Apparently, Boss-Man has a lot to do in the post-apocalyptic world, because 67% isn't enough for him. Right...the lone hope for restoring the world to some level of normality and he shrugs it off. Ass....

Cut shot back to the convoy, Alice has shown them her journal that she found at the 7-11. Naturally, she proposes going to Alaska. The group figures it's better to take the chance traveling to Alaska, then wonder around, getting eaten in motel rooms. HOORAY! So the Detroit Lions...I mean, convoy...is heading to Alaska. But they need some supplies. So after some careful deliberation, they decided to head to Viva Las Vegas, baby! WOOOO! I'm hittin the poker table!

Cut fucking shot back to Dr. Isaacs who isn't taking rejection well. He creates a synthesised version of the Boss-Man's voice to create a fake order to send a task force to capture Alice. End.

Cut back to the convoy driving to Vegas. I can't wait to see the city of Las Veg...ass. The city is completely covered in sand. 5 years after the civilization left, and sand drifts covered the ENTIRE city of Vegas? Fuck you...I'm not environmental engineer, but there's no way it happens that quickly. This is just lazy on the filmmakers part. In the middle of the road is a giant metal crate. The crew is ready to move it because apparently they don't know how to drive around objects, but Alice stops them. Her Spidey senses must be tingling. Alice approaches the crate and puts her ear to it, and hears...the sound of this crap plot!

NO! It's actually a horde of super-zombies that attack them all. Remember how you had to shoot a zombie in the head to kill it? Remember that rule put in place by zombie movies of past? Yeah...Resident Evil shits all over that. Oh well...they've already shit all over me, remember? I thought this was going to be good. Alice and company fight off the horde for awhile. It's the best action sequence in the movie, but that isn't saying much. Mid-brawl, Dr. Isaac and the Isaac-netts take control of Alice and shut her down. She's robo-Alice, I guess. But, to no avail. Alice fights the condition and comes for them! Conveniently enough, they are perched on top of a nearby building. Alice slaughters them all, except Isaacs...who escapes, but not before a zombie takes a chomp out of him, infecting him in the process. As the helicopter flies away, Alice hesitates shooting at it. "Why?" K-Mart asks. "Because we're not driving to Alaska...we're flying." Oh good...movie, who here has flight experience? Movie...answer the question.

Notable deaths: Chase, Mikey, LJ turned into a zombie (at a completely random fucking time) and bites Carlos. I wish I cared...but I'm kind of envying them, right now. I guess we'll have to count this as zombie kills 3-25. That sounds fair.

Leon, buddy...you don't know how lucky you are.

Back at "base," Dr. Isaacs is in big trouble. But he's too busy trying not to become a living dead. He has begun injecting himself with numerous amounts of anti-virus, but to no avail. Wow...some scientists Umbrella has; their anti-virus is complete fail. Dr. Isaacs has been sentenced to death and is shot on sight. Unfortunately for the dick heads in the base...all the anti-virus has turned Dr. Isaac into the Hulk's and The Thing's illegitimate love child. Nasty...

Back outside, the rest of the survivors (all 7 of them) have developed a plan. The infected Carlos will drive the tanker, loaded with dynamite, through the hordes of zombies which is outside the Umbrella facility. The explosion clears a path for them and they get to da 'Choppa. After everyone loads in, Alice tells them that she isn't going with. Hey, movie, you still haven't answer...who can fly the helicopter? Well...Claire is, so we'll just assume she can. Alice heads down into the facility...cue the epic boss-battle music!

Alice takes on the toughest foe, yet!

After descending into the facility, Alice is greeted by the AI system, represented by a hologram of a creepy little girl. AI Girl informs Alice that Dr. Isaacs has gone completely bat shit insane, and on top of that, her blood is the cure for the T-Virus. So off Alice goes to fight Mutant Dr. Isaacs. This is supposed to be scary, I guess. But it's not...in fact, there isn't one scary moment in the entire part.

After a brief confrontation with the Freak, Alice accidental wakes up one of her clones...who dies. That was quick. So tired of crying over herself...Alice chases after Isaacs and meets up with him in the, you guessed it...Mansion part of the facility. They exchange awful battle dialogue, and mind bullet force pushes. Alice slightly annoys Isaacs with hers, so he flings her through a wall that lands her in the infamous laser room. After some more awful dialogue, including Issacs pronouncing, "I thought you were the future...but I am the future," he gets cut into little cube pieces. But wait...the laser is heading towards Alice! With her, the cure is lost! And she is...saved. Damn it. The clone isn't really dead, and happens to know that the high-tech laser system is hooked up to a nearby lap top. She also knows what do. PLOT HOLE. Why didn't the AI system just shut it off, instead? Wouldn't that have made sense? Fuck it...who cares? Alice holograms herself to the other Umbrella facilities and threatens upon them a great vengeance and furious anger. Credits roll...finally...

This movie is bad because it's just stupid. This is not a scary movie like its earlier films. And why not? It barely counts as a zombie movie. The only real time zombies were killed, was early on in the first act. Yes, in the giant action sequence about 20 were killed...and later on another few hundred blown up. But that doesn't count, because it's not how zombie movies work. Besides, it fails as an action movie because it barely has any relative action. Most of the time the movie is too busy letting us know what each of the 3 main groups of characters are doing via dizzying cut shots. I don't care...show me a zombie movie. I realize the world is ended...so what? This is not even CLOSE to Resident Evil. There is, litterally, one cheap jump scare in the entire movie...and that is because it happened to be Zombie Duke Nukem. This movie sucks...and I can't take it anymore.

Old Time Movie Rants: Doom

2009-05-19T16:22:00.000-07:00

Show of hands, who's played the video game Doom? For those losers who haven't, let's recap:

Doom 1, 2 (Titled, Hell on Earth), and 3 are all first person shooters in which the player (that's you) takes control of a marine and goes about destroying a plethora of demons from hell...all taking part on Mars. That's it. I mean, you can figure out more of a "plot" by progressing through the game, but who cares? Aim, shoot, kill, reload, repeat; that's it. And it is considered one of the most successful games of all time. See? Us video gamers aren't that complicated.

So in 2005, just after the release of the PC's Doom 3, Universal Pictures put out a movie to follow the video game series titled Doom. Now....would you like to know what it's about?

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT IT'S ABOUT!

Because this movie stars The Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Yeah, he plays the roll of "Sarge." I bet we're in for a breakout performance. But, that's ok. Because action movies like this are allowed to be campy. I'll let it slide, unless it happens to get too painful. So instead of complaining about who's in the movie...let's talk about what the movie's about.

But before I start...do you know what's wrong with this movie? I'll give you 10 seconds to guess...

Time's up. The problem: There's a plot. How can DOOM have a plot? Doom isn't supposed to have a plot. It's supposed to be mindless and destructive. A guilty pleasure movie...think, First Blood/Rambo movies. They actually have the right idea when this movie starts...it opens up with a bunch of scientists running for their lives, one of them getting their arm cut off, then the lone escapee calling for help. Next scene, we're in a marine locker room, where Rocky is getting orders from his commander, while the other marines line up for the opening roll call.

Perfect. Now get to the hell demons. It doesn't even have to be in first person (although, the movie previews do note that there will be a FP scene). Oh...sorry, first I need to introduce you to the cannon fodder....err...characters. In what be the MOST cliche set of names ever to appear in a movie, John Grimm aka "Reaper," Goat (Greatest Of All Time?), Duke (Blue Devils?), Portman (Vince has no joke for this name), "The Kid," and "Destroyer." That's their names...I'm not kidding. But you know what...it's better than the name given to you in the video game Doom (the joke there is that you play as a nameless character). So, to be honest, it works. So far...the cliche aspect is drawing me in...I'm hooked. What's next, movie?

Well, what's next is that the movie wastes no time telling you the story about us silly Earthlings who found a warp to Mars, called the Arc, and some fossils of the civilization that created it-but we don't know what happened to them! I know what you're thinking, "How can there be a civilization from hell?" This is the first clue to the audience that the menace is, in fact, not hell demons

Please God no...stop trying to formulate a plot.

Still holding out hope that the devil will burst through the walls of this Mars science facility and crush all of them, the Marines are given order to eliminate the threat and retrieve the super-secret data. Convenient enough, John Grimm's sister, Samantha, is a scientist here and has been given the duty to download the data. Still no sign of a fully developed plot...so we're in the clear for now.

Please, oh Prince of Darkness...be in this movie and layeth the smackdown on these jabronis!

On the Marines go into the heart of the facility to take on anything that comes their way. They all make their way to the proverbial "safe room" where the marines split off to search the premise, while Reaper and his sister bicker over the re-opened dig that, apparently, claimed their parent's lives while they were young. Samantha shows off the prize possession, a bunch of humanoid bones, that apparently have a 24th chromosome. This supposedly made her Super-Human. Great...is anyone getting the hint that Resident Evil and Alien had a love child, and this was it? Fuck this is going to be painful...

The Great One leads his diligent crew around until he stumbles upon an extremely fast shadow who makes the marines give chase. The Shadow turns out to be the guy that called for help at the beginning of the movie, Dr. Carmack. And he looks like shit. The dude is so scared out of his mind, he rips off his own ear and is carrying around the lady's arm who was ripped off early. I guess the Devil started to sing.

The movie then shows Portman screwing around with the Kid, freaking him out so much that the young rookie needs some drugs to get through it. Why would the marines, knowing they are going on a mission this dangerous, take someone that could become a detriment to the squad? Why don't movies like this make sense? Next to develop a trait we don't care about it, Goat, who gets scared and says, "God damn it." He then proceeds to cut a cross into his wrists. 10 bucks say that neither of these aspects have any relevance to the plot that shouldn't be in the movie.

The confused crew carries Carmack's sorry carcass to the proverbial safe room to examine him. Carmack begins to freak out and mumble inaudibles in what might be the worst filmed scene of all time. He doesn't look like a man that is slowly being corrupted, genetically, by a synthetic chromosome. No....he looks more like an old guy who just saw Megan Fox naked.

Side rant...This is where the audience gets the first look at the movie's token "stupidest future invention:" the nano door. The nano door is the most ill conceived way to enter or exit a room this side of the spinning door; except much less fun. With a simple code input, then pressing of a large button...the user will liquify or solidify the pathway to the door. Do you realize how unbelievably stupid that is? In a science lab where anyone could walk through it and accidentally be caught while it was being closed? Ugh...moving on.

Reaper and Goat are off and about in a animal testing area where they get a few cheap scares thrown at the audience, before a rat-eating doctor charges the 2 and promptly gets the business end of those assault rifles. Not to be outdone, Destroyer and Sarge Rock get spooked by sounds coming from a vent...acting like a trained killer, Destroyer investigates, gets scared like a little bitch, and destroys the creature with his chain gun. What was the terror? A monkey. Truly these are the finest men for the job! But wait, Sarge notices that the blood dripping from the vent is already clotted. Oh god...I'm thinking the directors never played the video game. Hell demons do not zombies make, damn it!

Before you can even react to the idiocy going on, Reaper and Goat, once again, give chase to another rabid doctor. It's doctors gone wild! They blindly chase and shoot after like they were trained to do, I'm sure. And track it into a sewer. Is it ironic that the marines are going to be wallowing knee deep in the movie? Of course, keeping up with it's ratio of minutes of footage outside of safe room, and minutes of footage inside, even at 1:1, we find out that somehow the dead Dr. Carmack revived and disappeared. How did he disappear...there's only one way out?! Never mind...I'm sure this won't come back to haunt them. Back in the sewer, the mutated doctor stalks the crew, until it gets a hold of Goat. FINISH HIM...by sticking your tongue penis in his jugular vein? "See, audience? We're not a rip off from Resident Evil, our non-zombie creatures don't bite!"

More inconsistent shooting later at the safe room...Dr. Mutant Carmack attacks Duke and Samantha, but plot-conveniently, they capture him in the nano door. I guess it isn't the only way to get in or out of the room, because the rest of the crew takes the dying Goat to the safe room and, somehow, misses the creature's carcass frozen in the doorway. Goat dies and Carmack is shot in the head. Good...we're thinning down the crew faster than in a Friday the 13th flick. The faster they die...the faster I'm free.

The Marines decide it's a great idea to get the fuck out of there...so that's what they do. But not before Samantha has the most random scientific breakthrough ever. She discovers that the monsters are actually selecting whom they penetrate with their tongue penises. That C24 (Chromosome 24) will corrupt those with malice genetically coded in them, and give those with good genetically coded in them super human capabilities.

Sarge gives the order to set the Mars station to self destruct, then get through the arc. Once back on Earth, shoot anything that is still alive so the threat isn't released out into the rest of the world. I agree....kill them all, then yourself. Please roll the credits. Of course, Sarge goes on a killing rampage, ignoring the warning from the Siblings Grimm that not everybody is infected with RE:Clone24. In about 3 seconds, Sarge goes from main character...to antagonist. Nice character development, movie. The Kid has a conscious, and the Rock quickly checks him into the smackdown hotel via a bullet through the frontal lobe. Uh oh...I bet this isn't foreshadowing what kind of chromosomes he has. Then out of fucking no where, a huge horde of TOTALLY non-zombies rage at the crew. They get chased behind a nano door, Sarge hits the button and the highly expensive military equipment breaks like it was Triple H's glass jaw. Naturally, the nano door doesn't close immediately (I told you it was fucking stupid) and still allows the non-zombie hands to grab the Sarge's ankles...and...drag...him...wait, is the movie actually taking a chance by killing off the Rock before the resolution?! Wow! Of course, this feeling of victory is shortly lived, because the movie ruins it by having the Rock proclaim, "I'm not supposed to die." Thanks movie...taint licker.

Reaper, who got hit by a ricochet bullet, is bleeding out which would leave Samantha to fend for herself. But, of course, she has a great idea. She injects him with C24, announcing that she knows he won't turn into a mutated creature. Yeah right. C24 for some reason knocks out Reaper for about 30 random seconds...which is just long enough for Samantha to scurry off and get into some shit. But, whoa...here we go! Reaper gets up and we are now in First Person Mode, baby! It's like playing a game...but a movie. It's like the Full Motion Video fad all over again! Reaper kills everything in sight...which turns out to be a pretty cool effect, before he meets up with the now infected, but not yet mutated, Sarge. Play the final showdown music, ring the bell, this is about to be a slobber knocker. And by slobber knocker, I mean one of the more boring last fight scenes ever. The two exchange wire fighting maneuver blows before Reaper gets the upper hand, opens the Arc, and sends the Sarge through. The finishing move? He throws a grenade through the warp and it blows the Sarge up. Kinda anti-climatic for what is supposed to be 2 super human...zombie...mutant things. Samantha is carried out by Reaper in the most insensuous of ways and the credits roll...we're finally done.

Doom was failed from the start. The exact second that it was noted it would not be hell demons, but infected Resident Evil zombie knock offs, the movie was doomed (excuse the pun) from the start. There should have been NO story, besides killing hell demons...then shoving a grenade up Satan's ass. That's it. Instead they go with this overly complicated, but somehow still mundane, story about extra chromosomes and mutations. It's not even that the plot doesn't make sense....it's that the plot is stupid. They aren't supposed to be zombies! They are supposed to be demons who shoot fire balls. And why was the first person moment so emphasized? It only lasted about 2 minutes, and it wasn't all that good. I know they couldn't have done an entire movie that way, but maybe emphasise it a little more if it's your selling point. Doom is boring...sluggish...and down right annoying to watch. A better way to spend your time: Play the superior video games. Do it...NOW.

Summer Movie Rant 1: X-men Origins: Wolverine

2009-05-19T15:41:00.000-07:00

So I miss tearing down fanboys dreams and beloved icons. Like, the Final Fantasy 8 series, for example. I hate RPGs to begin with...but that game is so loved by SO many people, and I don't even get it. That game blows.

Or how about sports fanboys? All those Cowboy, Stealer, and BoSawks fans? Where do they all come from? How can you be from Jersey and like the Sawks and Cowboys? How the hell does that work? Buncah front runners...fuck 'um. Oh boy...someone get me my crazy pills, when I start to rant I tend to blow up the world...where's the Vault?

I was thinking the other day about the last time I went to the theaters, with J.J., and checked out the new X-Men movie (read: atrocity), X-Men Origins: Wolverine." Honestly...after X-3, which reminded me of a love child between the Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Shit and Superman Returns; boring, nonsensical, and convoluted...I was less than thrilled about the release of another X-men flick. I mean, how many times can you rape my childhood? Don't answer that...it's rhetorical. When the proposition was offered, "Hey Vince, you wanna go check out that new X-men movie" I wasn't totally opptomistic because I knew...I KNEW...it would suck. You could feel that it would be bad, there was just that underlying feeling that you would walk away into this movie just expressing how much more shit was just spewed outta Hollywood's fat ass.

But...it was better than talking about Man-Ram on steroids, and I wasn't paying for tix. So I was in.

The movie opens up with little Logan (or at this point in his life, Jimmie) lying ill on his bed with his brother, Victor, keeping him company. Their father barges into the room and gives the strangest of look to Victor, as if he will some how de-evolve after this movie is over into some sort of mindless henchmen. How silly of him to think. A comotion down stairs leads to the father to investigate, but, oops, the intruder shoots him down with what seemed little provoking. Logan gets up and is, rightfully, infuriated. This animal like rage sends him into comic book pose #1 and he unleashes his bone claws. Oh God...the bone claws. Even in the comic book that made no sense...actually there's a lot about Wolverine's character that I hate...why do I like his character so much?

Oh well...Logan impales (How?) the shooter, but comes to realize that the man he just killed is his...dramatic pause...FATHER!

This sends Lil' Logan running out of the house in a panic, into the dark woods. His brother follows him, noting that they have to "Stick together." Foreshadowing. They scamper off from the authoroties and hounds...hey, movie, seems like a good time to run the opening credits.

Some kick ass credits roll showing the brothers fighting in World War 1, 2, Vietnam, War of the Worlds, the war between Kratos and Zeus, and Obama's war on capitalism.

Sorry...that was unnecessary.

Actually, this is where I think the directors missed a huge oppurtunity. I mean, this is supposed to be about Wolverine's origin...why not tell us all about his teenage and young adult years? Yeah...don't spare me the details about his life as a lumberjack guys, thanks. Swing and a miss by Gavin Hood.

Movie continues in 'Nam, where Victor goes bezerker on his own camp after a woman he made nookie with wants child support payments. Ha! If I was Victor, I would have gone The Comedian on her. Take that, bitch! Regardless, Victor doesn't like that fact that his camp isn't appriciative of homicidal maniacs killing innocent people (damn liberals) and ends up killing his fellow officer-an act punishible by getting popped. Of course, Logan and Victor are 2 indestructable creatures and are just thrown into a jail cell while everyone questions how the hell they aren't resembling a Philadelphia resident at the moment. William Stryker finds the two in the cell and recruits them to join his secret, black opps-esque, group of military personnel...made up entirely of other uninteresting mutants.

The plot thickens!

So with little explanation why, we are now en route to Brazil, apparently trying to find a rock that is made up of something Stryker wants dearly (coughAdamantiumcough). So we get to meet some other characters that I hope meet their demise like they were starring in a Saw flick. They infiltrate this compound with little resistance and boring means. I mean, here's the run down:

-Zero (Random Asian guy I've never heard of and am not told what his powers are) jumps around and shoots a bunch of henchmen. I guess his powers are Wire Fighting Abilities.
-Frederick Dukes (Yes...the to-be Blob) shoves his arm up a tank cannon, and at the same time Physics' ass, and the tank explodes.
-Bolt controls an elevator
-LookslikeDeadpoolbutisnt has a 20 second sword/bullet action sequence and fights his was through the piss poor guards
-John Wraith (Played by Fucking Will.I.Am!) makes sure that Brazil drug lord doesn't move
-Wolverine is barely in any of these shots...nice.

So Stryker wants to know where Brazil Drug Lord got the paper weight rock on his desk, and he leads Stryker to a small village of natives. Instead of trading off the location of where the rest of the adamantium material is for a casino, Stryker threatens to begin killing the village people...unfortunately he's about 30 years to late. Wolverine, being a man of virutes, wants nothing to do with this, and walks away from the best thing going for him. Virtues isn't looked highly upon, and his comrades take his departure as a betrayal.

Damn it all...why haven't they been murdered by mutants, yet?

So now Wolverine resides in Canada...the fuckin' Commie...with a wife, on top of a cliff side, in a cabin. How did he pull that off? Meanwhile, in the not-so-relaxing location of a carnival, Bolt does a light bulb trick that only idiot teenagers pay a dollar to try. Victor agrees with me, and decides to justifiably slaughter him. Thank God, now get the rest of those bums...actually, if this movie would focus more on more Mutant killing action, and less lumber jacking, it might be good. Some foreshadowing that Logan's wife is a mutant later, Wolverine discoers that his wife has been brutally murdered by his own brother to, and I'm quoting, "Get his attention." Thanks, brother. So the two have a sissy fight outside a bar and Sabertooth (that's his name from now on...) takes the role of Appalachian State and whoops up on Wolverine. Cue the Kill Bill theme...this is a story of REVENGE!

Wolverine has come to the realization that he needs some sort of advantage to beat his brother, a sort of advantage that only HE can endure. If only if he could find someone connected to military SCIENCE that was just as committed to fucking logic up the ass. Insert Stryker, who doesn't look aged...just looks like he forgot to apply some "Just for Men." Speaking of...why is it that NO ONE has aged? The other mutants that we later re-encounter haven't aged at all!? Wolverine and Sabertooth I get...by why does Will.He.Be look the same age after a decade? Whatever...screw consistency. Stryker takes Wolverine to his secret SCIENCE lab and injects his body with the adimantium. After being assured that Wolverine survived...he orders that he be killed and taken to the Weapon X program. Go figure, Wolves...the weasel military guy betrayed you. What a plot twist! So Wolverine slaughters them all and escapes down a water fall.

Side rant...aside from the fact that his bones CANNOT be replaced with metal by just simply injecting the material into Wolverine's body, the question needs to be asked: Why did Stryker give him the adimantium? I got the weapon X project...but Logan's powers are self-healing. HIS METAL CAN'T BE PASSED IN HIS DNA! What purpose would giving the indisctruable man the most durable material EVER, thus making him even more indistructable, possibly have? It makes no sense...it doesn't, and you know it. Don't fight it.

So Wolverine runs butt naked across the country side where he runs into an old farm couple that, for no logical reason, take him in. That's ok...logic is for pussies, anyway. Logan gets fed, but not before investigating his new claws via the WORST CGI effect ever. Really...I've seen Wolverine costume accessories more convincing. The next morning, the couple pretty much make him their new son. Wow...I'm actually beginning to like these two grounding presences in the story. Very...*gun shot*. Scratch that...they are both killed by the no-powers Zero. Wolverin has another boring action sequence and it ends with him killing the talentless Asian. Thank God...now kill Bill.You.Are and the movie can end.

Next up, Wolverine actually DOES visit Will.I.Am. Wow...my wish is coming true!

Side rant 2...what doped up casting crew decided Will.I.Am was the way to go? He is a no-talent musical artist who has the acting talent of a pillow. Worst of all...his character has a southern accent. Chew on that for a second...tastes like the first time you gave head, don't it? Nasty. Fuckin' morons...why not use Nightcrawler? He actually WAS in the Weapon X project. They are both teleporting mutants! It's not like it doesn't fit...THINK!

So after some drinking some exposition beer, Wolverine has to question The Blob for answers about where Sabertooth and Stryker are. The island? Where's the island? Well...to find that out Wolverine has to box with Fat Bastard. Really...why didn't they just put Mike Myers in fat suit and cast him? It might actually be entertaining...so Wolverine finds out he has to go to New Orleans and meet the guy who fan boys have been beating off over for 3 X-Men movies now.

Fucking Gambit.

You know, I just got what's wrong with these expositions and characters...there's no connection. All these characters can just be interchanged with anyone else. Think about it...Will.I.Am for Nightcrawler, Zero for Anyone, and Gambit for well...ANYONE! He's only there for fan service, in fact...this is what Gambit does:

-Blow up and alley way...and throw some cards (cool effect, though)
-Provide exposition airplane.

Oh...I forgot to mention, Sabertooth pulls off a Mortal Kombat fatailty and basically rips out Will.I.Am's spine. Best thing to happen to music until Soulja Boi is Donte Stallworth'd.

Boom Boom Pow...bitch.

So because Gambit stopped Wolverine from ending this painful thing...I mean, killing Sabertooth back in New Orleans, he feels obligated to help finish this thing off by flying Wolverine to the Island. Hopefully, Tattoo and Mr. Roarke will be the ones welcoming Wolverine. Upon arrival, Wolverine pretty much walks right through the military compound and discovers Stryker preparing the mysterious Weapon X. Through some boring diolague, we discover that Wolverine's wife is *GASP* still alive. 10 bucks says she is killed later. Through the most see-through scheme of all time, Stryker has set them all up to complete the puzzle needed to create the ultimate mutant exterminator. My guess is that The Governator, and international punchline, Arnold Schwarzenegger, is the real Weapon X. Wolverine and Sabertooth get into again, but not before Wolverine throws in comic book pose #335 then proceeds to completely whoop his brother's ass. With the chance to finish him off, Wolverine supresses his animal-side and does not kill him. Instead, he helps his wife free her sister...oh, and the other mutants.

Wolverine's "Animal" side, thankfully, left out of this movie.

Needing to wrap up this movie, the not-completed robo-Deadpool is released and begins fighting Wolverine. They drag their fight all the way atop the faux nuclear reactor in what is a pretty damn impressive fight sequence. Sabertooth joins the brawl and helps his superior sibling eventually defeat Deadpool...ending with his decapitated head falling down the middle of the faux nuclear reactor, continuously shooting the forever-going Cyclops eye lasers. Finally...I couldn't take that abomination that they used in place of Deadpool. Deadpool is not a victim of a botched plastic surgery, damn it.

Ok...credits roll, movie over. Ahh...fuck, I forgot. We have to find out a way that Wovlerine loses his memory. So how does it happen? Sabertooth knocks him silly? No. Experimental brain surgery? Nope. Electro-therapy? Negative. Getting shot in the head with an adamantium bullet? ding ding ding. You are winner!!!! Yeah...the military scientist uses complex algorithms to come to the conclusion that is a garuntee that the bullent will not kill Wolverine...no, it will give him a migrane that's so bad, it makes him lose his memory. Fuck me, this a stupid movie. Oh right...the escaped mutants meet up with Piss-poor CGI Professor Xaiver and they go off to Never-Never land. Thanks for that resolution, movie...I needed that.

So Wovlerine gets leaves Fantasy Island with a plot-convienent memory loss of about an hour and a half. Suck...my...dick. How does this movie make any kind of sense? I should have brought a note pad to write down on the non-sensical plot points. So much of the movie is inconsistent with the X-men reality...and this is coming from someone who PREACHES striving away from source material when you need to. Really, think about all the problems with the movie:

1. It's never explained why Sabertooth de-evolves from a well-spoken, self-driven individual...to a mindless, animal-henchman.
2. A bullet to the dome doesn't cause amnesia
3. Too much CGI...and most of it looked like shit.
4. Characters had no auidence attatchment. I dare you to show me a subsequent character who's role was not inconsequential and could have been replaced by anyone. I DARE you.
5. The train wreck that is Deadpool. Aside from the fact that he wasn't even that large a contributor in Wolverine's comic book series...he looked completely ridiculous. Just think about this: His swords come from his wrists. Ugh...
6. For an action movie...the action sucked.
7. Fuck it...this movie blows.

For Christ's sake, the rant is over and I can go to bed. While I'm dreaming, I'll come up with a screen play that's twice as good as this crap. I swear I can. This movie blows...and fuck you if you don't agree.